My Favorite Murder with Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark - 159 - Live at the Lyric in Baltimore

Episode Date: February 7, 2019

Karen and Georgia cover the murder of Carolyn Wasilewski and the Baltimore Plot.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is exactly right. We at Wondery live, breathe, and downright obsess over true crime. And now we're launching the ultimate true crime fan experience, Exhibit C. Join now by following Wondery, Exhibit C, on Facebook and listen to true crime on Wondery and Amazon Music. Exhibit C, it's truly criminal. What's up Baltimore? All the way in the back, all the way in the back.

Oh my god, the loudest ever. Yes. Wow, good job guys. Very bold of you to give us an opening standing ovation. This totally unearned standing ovation, thank you. Wow. You don't even know what we're about to say. Oh man.

Here comes our Christian agenda. Ready? In rap form. Yes. White rap. Christian white rap for two hours straight. Horrifying. That's right.

That's what this tour is all about. Hi everybody. Thanks for being here. Thank you for coming out in the fucking snow. In the snow. What is that shit? What are you guys doing? It's freezing and then it's wet.

What the fuck? The lovely woman who drove us here at Tammy was like, you know when you're a kid and your parents bundle you up to go out in the snow and we're both like, no. We're from California. I only know that because I watched a Christmas story 17 times. That's right. And then you have to pee.

I know that because it happened in a movie. Yeah. But no. No. We've only been taken to already fallen snow where the sun is shining brightly and people are like hurry up and play before it melts. That's the snow we know. We both had ‑‑ when we got to Philly yesterday,

we both had to go buy like winter clothes because even though Vince was like, it's going to be cold, it's going to be cold, we're both like, okay. Yeah. Yeah. And then we went out there and I was like, this hurts a lot. I did that thing that's very California where I go out and then I'm like, shut up, polar vortex. Big deal.

And on the walk home from CVS, I could not feel my pinky. I was like, I've lost ‑‑ I've already lost one digit. And I've been out here for four minutes. It's the least important digit. It really ‑‑ Unless you're a cokehead. I don't know. I need people to know.

What did you say? Oh, shit. I'm going to have to grow my thumbnail really long and do it all backwards and weird. No more tea parties. You'll never be a proper lady again. No. Well, fuck it. Hey, this is a different dress from last night.

That's right. I changed it. Oh, cool. I just noticed. Thank you. And you know why the other one didn't have a pocket. That's right. Thank you so much.

Thank you. Oh, wow. That's my super casual put your microphone in your pocket walk that everyone on Broadway knows how to do. Amazing. How about your dress? Okay. So this is my new thing.

And remember last tour at the end, I was like, I'm going to wear whatever I want now. And you were like, you should buy a dress on every weekend and wear it. Yes. And I was like, that seems hard. And then I did it. I bought this yesterday. I did it. I think it's going to be the last time it happens.

And I was just walking and I found a Buffalo exchange. I went in. They had a vintage rack. They basically said Georgia on it. And I bought this for $12. Hell yeah. Thank you. We love a bargain.

Yeah. We love a bargain. And the reason I bought it is because this is how I pick vintage clothing. When I pick it up off the rack, it makes me laugh. I'm like that. I have to wear this. Doesn't this look like I'm, what's that movie? Working girl?

Yeah. Yeah. Or nine to five. It looks like I'm about to get sexually harassed. But out of bed and sexually harassed, rolling out of bed, sexually harassed all day long. Daphne Coleman sexually harasses me. Don't tell Dolly. I sang it like that.

No. She was so mad. And you can tell I didn't plan on wearing it because I would never normally wear silver and gold together. But I had a different dress I was going to wear. So fuck it. Here's what we do. Yeah.

We're going to get some spray paint. We're going to spray paint that belt buckle. The whole dress. Yep. You stay in it. We'll put a washcloth in your mouth. We're going to spray that thing down. This is life on the road.

Oh, this is the podcast, My Favorite Murder by the way. That's right. Thank you. This is Karen Kilgarra. Hi. This is my voice. This is Georgia Hartstark. Stephen couldn't come.

He said he doesn't like you. Why would I ever do that? Every time we talk about Stephen, because he's the first person that hears all of these live shows. He sits at home with little headphones that also have mustaches on them. And he hears them first. So I always try to say something terrible. On top.

Because I know it hurts him deeply. Because he's not allowed in the snow, his mustache just breaks off, you know? And that's a major artery for him. So he would die. He would die if it froze off of his face. It's something to behold. Tell you that. So we had to leave him.

So we left him at home. We left. We left at home. We left at home. We had to talk to somebody day who was like, tell me a little bit about your live show. And I go, well, it starts with this huge dance number. And they didn't laugh. He goes, really?

I'm like, oh, you don't know who we are at all. Then I was like, yeah, I guess we should start working on that dance number. I guess we need to start giving the people something at the top of this. You already did nine to five. What more do they want from you? We could all do it. It's the easiest song to sing. Did you bring this rug from home?

I brought this rug from home. I bought it at Buffalo Exchange. It was $3. They have such nice rugs at Buffalo Exchange. No, I was going to say we don't have a ton of anecdotes for you here because we thought we were going to die in the car ride here. We drove up from Philly. It's so fucking frightening when you turn.

So Vince is like the chillest dude ever. He's my husband. I can tell when he's not chilling out. Thank you. And our tour manager. That's why he's in this story. So he's driving here. And he grew up in Michigan, so snow shouldn't faze him.

And he is fucking leaning over the handlebars. He's leaning forward. I would call them the handlebars. He's leaning over it. It's a bike. We're all tandem bike. All on Vince's 10 speed. It's cute.

He was so determined and I was, how are you doing, baby? Do you need anything? Do you want me? And I'm just freaking out myself. I was, I think I looked down on the entire time because I was just like, I feel like, I don't understand how, like that idea that you could just hit an ice patch and go spinning away into infinity. It's like the scariest shit.

Dude. It's nuts. You guys know that there's places that don't snow, right? The roads never have ice or salt on them at all. I asked him when we were walking. So is that salt? I didn't. I thought it was snow.

Who's littering? Who's throwing all these things? It's melting. Is it rice? Oh, we, by the way, we have an in in the FBI. What? Vince's niece, Erin, is in the, I have a fucking niece in the FBI I found out. Recently.

We're clear. Let's get out of here. Cut to her and she's running the Cleary Starling. She's climbing a fence, climbing up a rope, gray sweatsuit. Is that what she's like? Sexual harassment. Sexual harassment. Sexual harassment.

Looks like me in silence of the lambs. That's right. Not good. That's what she did. Should we stand? I guess we should. Looks like it. Yeah.

Ooh. Wow. Gorgeous. It's like chocolate and peanut butter. This. This absolutely looks like someone went back in a time machine to IBM headquarters in 1980. They're like, well, two of your highest chairs. Okay.

So now commences for the next, what, 60 minutes, me awkwardly trying to sit and look casual. That's all I do on these things. There it is. That's very weird. Someday we'll have bespoke chairs, but until then. They're built to our bodies. That's when I would stop listening if I were you. Please stop supporting us when we start building bespoke chairs for live shows.

We've gone too far. I beg you. We won't. No. We won't be able to call it ourselves. You have to be the ones. No. Yeah.

It's this tricky little spot. It's an odd position to be in. Do you want to tell them about the podcast? Yeah. Casually? Oh. Oh, also my $12 dress doesn't sit well. This might be why whoever owned it before me got rid of it.

Because it kept writing up. Look at this. Dunga, dunga, dunga, dunga, dunga. Yeah, that's a lot of material in just a spot that helps nothing. It feels like a jellyfish. Uh-huh. Who's living in my dress. That's dangerous.

Well, I could just pee on it at any moment, though, if I needed to. That's a jellyfish, right? Yeah. Oh, also I'm not wearing my Spanx tonight because they... Women's liberation. Imagine if we got paid the same. But it's... But it's...

I can't follow that up. No, what were you trying to say? It's because they smell like beef jerky. Like, literally. For real? So we went... Vincent and I found a beef jerky store. What flavor?

All of them. Teriyaki? Yes. No. For... Oh. We bought a ton of beef jerky. I'm not fucking just saying that.

Like, I stink. Oh. My fuck... And I accidentally put my tights. They smell too, but I needed to wear them. Uh, in the same bag as the beef jerky. Oh. I honestly thought you were like, I might have a medical condition.

I'm starting to emit the smell of beef jerky through my pores. You know. Jerky Spanx. That's... It's a real problem. It's a real... It's an issue women face today. Dunga, dunga, dunga.

So yeah, so this is a true crime comedy podcast. Yes. I bring it up because, as you well know, some of you insist upon bringing outsiders to these shows. You insist upon dragging those who don't know what's going on, making them sit next to you, whether it's because you're codependent or someone just flaked out on you, whatever it might be. There are people here who need a bit of an explanation.

So just for those people speaking to you, we need you to know this is, although comedy isn't involved, we don't think that the worst thing that can happen to a human being is funny. It's not what we joke about. It's just because the George and I and the way we communicate with each other, being funny people, that's how conversationally we kind of process this incredibly terrible news that you'll be getting from us. Just the worst.

Starts bad, gets worse. That's our guarantee to you for this show. Yeah. So anyway, all of this is just to say that if you listen to the podcast, you know, that we have the benefit of your doubt because you've heard the way we talk about this and you understand the way we do it. If you don't know the podcast, you hear true crime comedy podcasts, you think that's offensive, that's wrong.

They shouldn't be doing that. You know, we just have to say to you, get the fuck out right now. We just have to. It's very simple. It's, um, you're either in or you're out. It's all there is to it with this fucking thing. And we fucking get it if you're out, you know, like shit, man, we're out too. I mean, I cannot fall asleep without a thing first, you know, pill form, some sort, so

I get it. I love that somebody in the audience would just be like, Oh, permission to take my pills. Here I go. Zah, next. Looking for a better cooking routine with meal planning, shopping and prepping handled HelloFresh has you covered. HelloFresh makes home cooking easy and affordable so you can stay on track and on budget in the new year.

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What makes a person a murderer? Are they born to kill or are they made to kill? I'm Candace DeLong and on my new podcast Killer Psyche Daily I share a quick 10 minute run down every weekday on the motivations and behaviors of the criminal masterminds, psychopaths and cold-blooded killers you hear about in the news. I have decades of experience as a psychiatric nurse, FBI agent and criminal profiler. On Killer Psyche Daily I'll give you insight into cases like Ryan Grantham and the newly arrested Stockton Serial Killer.

I'll also bring on expert guests to dive deeper into the details, share what it's like to work with a behavioral assessment unit at Quantico, answer some killer trivia and even host virtual Q&As where I'll answer your burning questions. Hey Prime members, listen to the Amazon Music Exclusive Podcast Killer Psyche Daily in the Amazon Music app. Download the app today. Can, oh I go first? You do.

Okay. Okay. This is a classic, what, I'm going to do the murder of Carolyn Wazolowski, aka the cry baby, what the cry baby movie was based off of. And everything by your friend John Waters. He's here? No he's not. Wouldn't that be amazing?

Don't. I bet he'd come. I would be so excited. My favorite scene in any movie ever, and now I can't remember which movie it is, but it's the one, it's the one where divine dances down the fucking street to the camera. I'm not a total Waters head as some people are, but it truly is when I was watching that movie with my friends, that scene started and I laughed so loud and so hard because it's divine just dancing like to the song down the street, but she's looking out towards,

so I think what I heard was the behind the scenes of John Waters, they just, he was in a car with the camera and they were like, okay, ready, action, and then just did it and everybody in the shot didn't know they were going to be in a movie. I don't know if they got permission slips from anybody, it was just her fucking jamming down the street and if you haven't seen it, please do yourself the favor, look up female trouble dancing, it's the best, it's the most joyous, beautiful thing I've ever seen. And now let's talk about murder. That'll be a little something for after when you pick me up after this shit.

Palette cleanser. Okay. So, Carolyn Loretta, she was born on June 12, 1940 in nowhere else but Baltimore, Maryland. She's the eldest of seven children, it's got to be rough, right? Well, because if you're the girl and you're the oldest of seven, like my dad had eight brothers and sisters, my aunt Teresa was the oldest and you're like the second, you're junior mom. Yeah, they buy you, they have you, so you take care of the other ones they eventually

have. That's right. Yeah. So that was her and she, her family lives in Morrell Park and she's a freshman. Morrell Park? Morrell Park, that's what I didn't say. No, I was asking, I wasn't correct either. No, I think you're right.

Okay. And she's a freshman at Southern High School and so she was a nice girl. She was really smart, book smart and everything but she fell in with a bad crowd because around this time, when, in the early fifties, in the early fifties, these like rebel without a cause greasers started getting like fuck and big just like you saw in Cry Baby with the pompadour, they were the fawns before the fawns was the fawns but they were like the fawns but not a middle-aged Jewish man in Hollywood which is what the fawns actually was.

That's right. Yeah. So she was like, these people look like they're having fun, I'm going to join them and she wasn't wrong. So the local rebel gang just like in Cry Baby which John Waters took from is, they're called the drapes which is cool and the girls are known as the drapes. So her nickname with them was Peaches and she's mostly teens although she's kind of dating a 22-year-old.

Guess how old she is here? I guess. Also she was talking to me. Oh, we're real close to this thing. Jesus Christ. I don't know where you're at. Sorry. She's 14?

Yeah. What the fuck? She's 14. She's the principal of my grammar school. How? What? I know. I mean, I'm sure some of the retouching from the black and white photo put more makeup

on. That's what it is. That's what it is. But it kind of makes me glad that when I was a juvenile delinquent at 14, which I was, I didn't look anywhere near older than 14 because I bet you get away with a lot more shit. That's right. You know what I mean?

Yes. And they assume you can handle heavy or shit. Right. Exactly. But she was a sweet girl and the juvenile delinquent gang that she hung out with, they did petty crimes like stealing cars. That doesn't seem petty. Not petty at all.

Don't. That's not. You're going to get in trouble for that in holding hot rod races as well. Oh, gosh. Which seems very dangerous. That's still petty. Yeah. Okay.

Smart, kind. By the time she's 14, she's already gained a reputation, which is like, fuck you. Fucking slut shamers. But you know, it's the time when like, you don't, like girls didn't wear pants at the time. You have to like dress properly and act properly, like your mom or whatever. And sometimes she'd leave home for a couple of days, but she always came home and apologized to her parents.

But she's also feisty and she's looking for excitement and since she looks so much older, people mistook her for being in her 20s or 30s sometimes. Yeah. Fuck, man. They're like, can you fill out this insurance form? People kept asking her to fill out insurance forms all the time. I can't. I don't even know my ancestral security number.

Lady. Okay. So on the night of November 8th, 1954, at 6.15 p.m., Carolyn tells her family that she's going to meet her friend, Peggy, and they're going to register for a dance class at the local elementary school, you know, fucking chill, right? Probably lying to her parents. Probably. I did it a lot.

Her parents are like, you're going out wearing that. We don't like it. She's in a tight pink top, black skirt with accent arrows, which I think are these. Yeah. Right? Those are pleats, I think. I'm not a fashionista by any stretch of the imagination, but she looked like a cute greaser girl, you know, and she had her blonde hair and curlers, covered the scarf, and she

had a little jaunty scarf around her neck as well. She went out in curlers? Yeah. I love it. So she was definitely going to her friend's house, right? Oh, okay. You know what I mean? Yes.

So maybe they were going to meet and do something else, or maybe they were just, you know, being innocent teens. We don't know, because she doesn't return home that evening, and her parents get worried. And it's a school night, so her family searches in the streets in their neighborhood, and they can't find her anywhere. Her friend Peggy says she never showed up at her nearby trailer park home, and she never arrived at the school to register for the dance either. And no one can figure out where she went after she left home, and it's like she just vanished

into thin air. And then the next morning, November 9th, 1954, a train engineer is driving a, is it PENSI or is that a typo, penny or PENSI, they don't have them anymore, apparently, a train. The PENSI Express? Yeah. Does that have something to do with Pennsylvania? Oh. Yes!

They're all mad. We do it all the time. Yes! Why don't you know the nickname of trains? So this train, this train's coming in to Baltimore. The PENSI Express. The PENSI. Coming in.

And then from Harrisburg, it's pulling into Baltimore. That still exists. Thank God. It's just under the Belvedere Avenue Bridge, and as the train goes closer, the train conductor realizes the odd shape that he sees lying in the tracks. And there's a body. It's Caroline Wazelowski. So by chance, there's a journalist on the train named Bill Stump, and he said, quote,

the train slowed down and no one knew what the hell was going on. And then they were diverted to another track, they passed by and saw all the cops milling around and shit, and like knew something was up. Caroline has been beaten, and there's scratches and bruises all over her body. And the murder becomes massive news locally. And I read one article, and it called her, it quote, called like a, you know, she was a teenage rebel. And they really picked up on that, and in a way that as we know now, it's like maybe

she deserved what she got, girls don't be like fast, you know? Yeah. Because they called her a jazz lover, God forbid. Jazz lover. Uh-huh. And boy crazy. Which is like, yeah, we were 14. Yes.

What the fuck? Fuck off. Seriously. So the medical examiner reports that the cause of death is a skull fracture, and the Emmy places her time of death at 11 o'clock the night before. And the last train to pass under the bridge was 1030, so they think right after that happened, she was killed somewhere else and brought to that place. And she put up a fight, and they said there was no sign of sexual assault, but then I

read there's no evidence of violent sexual attack. So I think that just got misprinted. I mean, come on, man. And the strangest clue is that written on Carolyn's thigh is the name Paul in lipstick. Creepy, right? Yeah. So the evidence shows that she's probably not murdered where she was found, and so it doesn't, they find the murder site eventually.

It's down the street from her house in a vacant lot eight miles away from where the bridge where she was found, and it's a lot near the Baltimore and Ohio's railroad, something-something yard. Pency. Pency. And they find her shoes and other personal belongings there. They speak to the family to try and trace her final movements, but they can't come up with anything concrete or anyone who saw her.

And it's one of the most intensive man hunts in Baltimore history. So there's all these leads, what's up? One of them is, so Carolyn recently had testified in her friend's sexual assault case. Her friend had been sexually assaulted. She testified against the person. And so it was theorized that maybe it could have been payback for her cooperation. And the accused man is questioned by police, but he's released due to lack of evidence. Like there's just not a lot of information about these people, but they all sound guilty.

Yeah. You know? Every single person is a suspect. Every one. Yep. And the suspect is a dude known as Ralph Garrett. He had been missing since he drove his wife to work that Monday morning. The same day Carolyn had disappeared, he lives close to Carolyn, and witnesses saw a-claim

they saw the two of them together that night. And they also-witnesses also said they saw a two-tone car near where her body was found, and this dude, Ralph, drives a similar car. So they can't find him anywhere. And then his car is found abandoned in a nearby town the day after Carolyn's body was discovered. And then the next day, his body is discovered on the railroad tracks near where Carolyn had been placed. He's fucking hanging from a belt from a brake wheel on top of a gondola car.

Holy shit. He fucking killed himself right by where her body was found, and abandoned his car in another town. Okay. See, everyone's guilty. Yes. There's a lot going on. Yes.

Let's see. Da-da-da-da-da. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. They check the car to see if the tires match the tires at the scene of the crime. And we can't find anything that says if they are or not, so that's good. And neighbors described him as a steady, decent guy, so the cops were like, can't be him. Right? So his wife, though, everyone was like, well, why did he kill himself right there?

And his wife said that her husband had been depressed since the week before, which he annually had this depression at the same time where his mom died every year. So she said that's why it happened, I swear. And so he's ruled out as a suspect. I don't think so. Over the next few months, 300 people are brought in for questioning, including a bunch of Carolyn's drape friends, and this dude Rocky is a 22-year-old guy who is dating her, and he gets brought in for questioning for several hours.

And he was supposed to have been on a date with Carolyn that night, and he doesn't give the police any new information, though, and he isn't seen as a suspect at all, either. And after 300 questions, 300 people, they don't find any promising leads, and the case eventually goes cold. Wow. Yeah. So Carolyn's drape funeral is super popular, and the newspaper writes, although Carolyn had gained a reputation for living beyond her tender years, the last rights were those

for a little girl. And she... Because she was a little girl. Yeah, guys, even though she listened to jazz every once in a while. Yeah. Fucking... It's truly... And her drape friends were Paul the Paul Bearers.

Isn't that a crazy thought? So sad. So sad. And she was buried next to the grave of her grandfather. And yeah. Okay. So meanwhile, a kid from an upper middle-class Catholic family in suburban Baltimore named John Waters...

Okay. Sorry. Side note, Sidebar Nation, my favorite gift in the world. Both of my two favorite things in the world are John Waters related, and yet I don't know the name of his films offhand. Anyhow, there's a gift where it's this picture, and then slowly, a little pencil comes in and just puts a pencil in mustache. It's the best, and the second it's there, it looks exactly like him right today.

I see it. It's so funny. Oh, I should have found that one. And then, so, he became obsessed in the... He was from a... God damn it. Where do I point this? Just everywhere.

Okay. It's not working. He becomes obsessed with drapes and the drape culture, and it has a huge impact on him. He grows up fascinated by these kids he sees out in Baltimore. He's obsessed with them, and he never forgets Carolyn, and he read all about her. He said, it was very... This is what happens to girls who hang out with drapes, and he saw the whole deal as a class issue, because she was in a lower class, he was in a sub-class, he didn't fucking

get it. In 1990, John Waters releases his film, Cry Baby, starring Johnny Depp as a leader of the delinquent gang, also called the drapes. He is on record saying that Carolyn was a Lusky case, is the one, is the inspiration behind it. And I tried to watch it today, and I didn't finish it, but it's interesting. I mean, I just can't get over Tracy Lords and what a hottie she is. Yeah, she is.

Like, what the fuck? How do you look like that? The whole thing. So... Oh, no! What murder are you going to do? I just want to... Before I start my murder, I want to talk about history a little bit.

It's a civics. It's a civics issue. Oh, man. I just fucked that up. Steven! Steven! You need to make it harder. Steven.

For me to do that. Why did you do that, Steven? So, Carolyn was a Lusky. The killer has never been caught, but the case has never gone away. People are still fascinated by it to this day, though more than 60 years have passed since her murder. The death is one of Baltimore's most famous and legendary unsolved murders, and that is the murder of Carolyn was a Lusky.

Wow. So do you believe that the guy that killed himself and was at the railroad tracks is the person who did it? Yeah. You do? Why Paul? Why was his name Paul written in lipstick? I don't know.

Yeah. So weird. Maybe she did that herself because there was someone named Paul she liked. Yeah. And she was just messing around with her friend. Yeah. No, it's really sad. Well, you know who else is sad?

Abraham Lincoln. I'm so sorry. I don't give a shit. I think you know me well enough to know that I don't give a single shit about anything. Right? I can't believe you're going here. Oh, I'm going. You better go.

Look at it. We're back. We're back entirely. I think he's raised. You guys. There is so much terrible murder in the city of Baltimore, as you all know. So much. Baltimore has a higher murder rate than Chicago.

Guys, crazy. You're the reason people get mad at us. Yeah. Oh, okay. I thought you were going to give us a social commentary. Yeah, exactly. And then I'm also going to announce my candidacy for president. I know two things.

Baltimore has a higher murder rate than Chicago. And that Lincoln is sad. So when I was looking for my story, I was just looking for something that might be a little less fucking depressing or the thing that reminds you of the day-to-day bullshit or whatever. And then I stumbled upon the Baltimore plot to assassinate Abraham Lincoln. Do you know about this? Baltimore came together scheming as a fucking city and he was like, he's going down.

It's pretty amazing. Now, here's my disclaimer that I need to say before I start this story, I am the last person who should be telling you the story. When I was in fifth grade, I went to public school where we studied the presidents in sixth grade. And then I switched schools to the Catholic school in town for like junior high where they had already studied the presidents in fifth grade. So I have no fucking clue what I'm talking about right now. In terms of politics, the president, the year, the beard, like I just, this man's a stranger

to me in many ways. I learned a lot and it was fun, but I also am very scared right now, very, very scared. I'm definitely in an area that I don't belong in. I'm in an area where there are historical podcasts that people host where it sounds like they want to kill you the whole time, so I'm scared to be in their territory. Everything about this is very dangerous. We're here with you. Here we go.

And that's why I love this job. Thank you so much. Okay. So Abraham Marie Lincoln was born. He gets us every time. We love it. On February 12, 1809, in a one-room log cabin, we've all been shoved down your throat, not mine.

In sinking spring, at sinking spring farm in Hardin County, Kentucky, his family then relocated to Hurricane Township in Perry County, Indiana. Oh! What did you say? Indiana. Smell it like you say, or say it like you smell it. I'm from France, so I don't really know how to say, oh, sit these names, Indiana, in 1816. And when he was seven, oh, they moved there when he was seven.

He stayed there until he was 21. And then in 1830, 21-year-old Abe, and we can just go through a series of portraits. Let's see that face. Let's see that mug. Oh! So different. Look at all the looks Abe Lincoln has. He looks old for a 21-year-old.

What's that? A dark suit and a beard? Let's see those teeth. That's an old-looking 21-year-old. It was, you know, working on farms back then was hard on your collagen layers. They didn't have SPF and Botox. They didn't. And moist coconut oils.

As my favorite last night, Georgia kept up, we were talking about cleaning something, and she kept suggesting coconut oil as the cure-all cleaner. It was making me laugh. It works. You guys should try it. It really works. It works. It works.

It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. It works.

It works. It works. It works. It works. It works. And he helps his dad set up a new farm there. Then he sets out on his own. He is a boatman, a store clerk, a surveyor, a militia soldier, and finally a lawyer.

I feel like from now on, to be President, you have to have been all those things. Yeah. Or at least two of them! I'm sorry, when were you a boatman? Let's forget about what your thing is. Sorry, President of Starbucks. You haven't done it. He's the one we're mad at. No billionaires allowed. Okay. So, in 1834, he's elected to the Illinois legislature, served for about ten years.

In 1846, he's elected to the U.S. House of Representatives. He is a member of the Huig Party. His platform consists of, among other issues, the opposition to the expansion of slavery in the territories. Good for him. So, he was, yes, as we all know, a great abolitionist in a time of slavery in this country. So, in 1858, Stephen Douglas is up for reelection for the Illinois seat in the Senate. Good old laughing Abe. Right ray of sunshine.

You simply can't find one with teeth. You can't challenge you to do it. So, he's pissed because Stephen Douglas is very pro-slavery. He's all about that rhetoric. And Lincoln is strongly opposed to his political views. So, he decides to run against him. He wins the Senate popular vote, but he loses the election. I'm with her. Seems not right. Yeah.

Seems fucking wrong. Seems like a bad system. Yeah. Seems like it. It's what, 1836? So, they'll fix it by the next hundred. Yeah, don't worry. Oh, God. What's going on, you guys?

We laugh so we don't cry. That's right. But here's the thing. He ran such a strong race that all the Republicans at the time now see him as a viable option for presidency. So, of course, they ask him to do it. He's hesitant at first because he's all like, I'm from a farm and a hundred feet tall or whatever. And they're like, just fucking do it. Just do it.

People love the tall men talking. He's like, flatter me a little more. I don't think I can. Please. I think I'm busy. And that'd be funny if Lincoln was super coy. He was kind of a tease. It's been lost to history.

Look at him. He's like chameleon. He's like Ted fucking Bundy. He just always changes. It's amazing. So many looks, Abe. So, after gaining even more popularity from his 1860 Cooper Union speech in New York City, Abe Lincoln receives the official endorsement, right?

I mean, I'm saying these words. I have no idea what they mean. I know I'm very slowly starting to understand what people are like. I love to learn. I'm like, you know what? I might get around to some learning. It seems like it would be a good idea for me. He gives the Cooper Union speech that you and I talked about all the time.

I love it. It's my favorite. So, it was like so long. Oh, my God. Love this. Long and boring. And boring. He receives the official endorsement, it's just like four straight hours of this.

He receives the official endorsement. Did I say that already? Okay. So, let's get to the action. Around 2 a.m. on November 6, 1860, Abraham Lincoln receives word he has won the presidency of the United States. Sure. Sure.

But he wins by a very narrow margin and most of the other candidates were very pro-slavery. And so, his victory immediately sparks a secessionist movement. So, he decides, what he's going to do is take a 13-day whistle-stop train trip from Illinois to D.C., so that along the way, in all the northern states where people are abolitionists, he can go and shake hands and calm people down and say, it's all great and we're going to be fine. And then in the handful of cities that he could possibly pass through on this train that are below the Mason-Dixon line, he can go extend a hand of peace and say, hey, don't worry

about it, everything's going to be okay, but no more fucking slavery in this country. That's his plan. Yeah. Right. And everything worked out fine. And it was fine. So, when the government offers him a military escort to go along with him on this train trip, he refuses saying that he dislikes, quote, ostentatious display and empty pageantry.

And security. Abe. It's a security detail, it's not Mardi Gras. No one's going to, again, there will be no Feather Boas the entire time. But he's like, no, I'm at the end of the people, don't protect me. Great. But meanwhile, everyone's super worried because from the day he was elected, from the moment it was announced that he was elected, he starts getting this insane amount of mail, so much

so that he has to hire a young Bavarian immigrant named John Nicolet to act as a secretary and help manage and respond to the correspondence. Stephen. Stephen. It's his Stephen. Nicolet had kind of like a big bunch of hair on this side and a weird mustache. He loved cats that he touched. History tells us.

What if we're like, Stephen, just tell us, are you a young Bavarian immigrant? Please, be honest. I want to see your papers. So this poor guy, John Nicolet, is opening and reading these letters and finds an overwhelming amount of death threats. Great. Of course. Now, when Lincoln's worried about these death threats, he chalks them up to angry hyperbole

because he's an optimist and he believes in the best of people. Fuck that shit. Jesus Christ. Never do that. You of all people. So even though people are taking the time to write to him and say, I'm going to stab you, I'm going to shoot you, and I'm going to blow up that train, he's like, let's take this trip, everybody.

Perfect. So there is a Philadelphia Railway executive named Samuel Morse Felton. And it's essentially, he's pissed at Lincoln because he knows the risk. And there are so many threats to blow up the train, and he's like, that's my train. Like, this is my living you're fucking with, that you're being all bold, like, don't worry about it. They're like, no, I'm super worried. So he believes there's a deep laid conspiracy to capture Washington, destroy all avenues

leading to it from the northeast and west, and prevent the inauguration of Mr. Lincoln at the Capitol. So he hires Alan Pinkerton to come and investigate. So you've heard of the Pinkerton detective agency, but mixed feelings. We don't remember this part of the story. They're very famous, but there's some problems, but not in this story, so let's not worry about it right now. We can't solve it all.

Let's worry about this guy. So Samuel Felton hires Alan Pinkerton, and he's like, I really need you to make sure that the president isn't killed, and nothing happens to my precious, precious train. He loved trains. He loved trains, and he loved to lay on his belly and watch them go by. Pinkerton is a Scottish, Alan Pinkerton is a Scottish immigrant who had once been a barrel maker in a village, also in Illinois, but he did some vigilante work helping neighbors catch a ring of counterfeiters.

And so then he, you got to fix that. That's a nightmare. That's a nightmare for her. Or is it? I'm so sorry. You basically outed yourself as a scream-sneezer at a place where we're all so sensitized to it. Is there nothing she could do?

She has to do it. She couldn't not sneeze. Are you leaving? Bye. Not everyone can handle this. You're going to miss a great bunch of history. So fascinating. Okay.

So Alan Pinkerton, he actually was the first official detective in the city of Chicago. Then he opens his own agency, yep, Chicago. Pinkerton jumps to the chance to help the president and the train. So as this time is passing, more southern states are threatening to secede from the union or choosing to secede from the union. And Maryland is becoming increasingly divided and anti-Northern sentiments seem to be winning the fight. So it's a major concern because virtually every route that Lincoln could possibly take

to Washington, D.C. has to run through Baltimore. Just to ask you, you're at inevitability. I just see the mat that like cartoon train screeching through. Right. Through. And at the time, Baltimore was the nation's fourth largest city. It had more than 200,000 residents. And that's twice as many as Chicago.

Chicago's never going to let us come back. I know. They're like, going back to Chicago, oh yeah, I went to the Baltimore show. They're talking shit about us the entire time. Then they attacked a scream-sneezer, it was fucked up. They fucked up. So, Alan Pickerton decides to go full-on, oh, hold on, there he is. Can we stop it with this look?

Isn't he gorgeous? Those blue, blue eyes. He looks so bored. I bet you. I bet his beard smells like beef jerky. Anything? Yeah. Kind of hot.

So, Alan Pickerton decides, what he's going to do is go full-on Donny Brasco and go undercover. He enlists his top agents, including a new recruit named Harry Davies, and five weeks before the inauguration, they all travel to Baltimore to scope it out. What they do is Pinkerton gets a room at a boarding house near the Camden Street train station, and so gorgeous, and he poses as a southern stockbroker named Johnny Hutchinson. That allows him access into Baltimore's basically business circle with all the moneyed people. And Harry Davies takes on the identity of an extreme anti-union man, and he starts letting people know, hanging out, letting people know that he is willing to contribute financially

to any endeavors that will benefit the South. What he's like, hey, I like slavery. I like slavery. Yeah, that's right. And then people are like, me too. People are like, oh, it's X-Nay. We talk about it secretly. Okay.

Well, what happens is they both hear endless anti-union rhetoric from nearly everyone they meet. So Lincoln announces that he's going to travel to D.C. on what they call an open and public manner. So he'll be stopping frequently along the way to greet the public, and the itinerary of this whistle stop train tour will be made public. Great. Great.

So now all the shooters and stabbers and letter writers know exactly where he'll be every day, every hour of the day. So everyone's like, why are you doing this? Is this what your whole presidency is going to be like? He made it as, did someone fall out of the balcony? We're skipping ahead to the real assassination. Oh, that's offensive. Please, don't even.

I know you. Okay. So he's like, whistle stop train trip, make it as unsafe as possible, everybody, let's get on board. Okay. So with the threat of Maryland's secession looming and with Baltimore being the only slave holding city that's now on the journey, apart from Washington, D.C. itself, Pinkerton immediately goes into panic mode, and now at this point, Lincoln is receiving daily

death threats, including one threatening the death by spider-filled dumpling. What? Yeah. That's a delicacy in some places. If you're a bird. Meanwhile, Harry Davies has befriended an anti-union man named Otis K. Hillard, and Hillard is a lieutenant in the civilian militia called the Paul Meadow Guards. So on the morning of Monday, February 11th, 1861, Lincoln packs up, boards his train,

gets onto that first leg of the trip to D.C., and the next day, which is February 12th, Davies and Hillard are hanging out in Davies' room. Hillard asked Davies if he's seen an itinerary of Lincoln's journey and tells him that he's figured out a way to seamlessly track the progress and location of Lincoln throughout the journey undetected. Google Maps. No. Ways.

Otis Hillard invented Google Maps. No one gave him credit. They thought he was insane. Yeah. He's the Ways guy. He's like, here's the thing, the train will show up, but then there'll be like a little thing that looks like a ghost that says, don't go this way. Ruin's like, okay, Otis, sounds good.

Now on the other side of town, where the rich bitches are, Pinkerton is in mid-conversation with a businessman named James H. Luckett, and that guy hints that there might be some trouble for Lincoln as he passes through Baltimore. So Pinkerton slips Luckett $25 and basically is like, I want to contribute to the efforts of whatever is being planned against him. The old $25 bill? Yeah. Who's on that?

Do you think? At the time. President. Never mind. What other presidents were there? Tell me of the leaders of this country. Taft? Okay.

Taft in a bathtub, kicking it. On the 25. Sorry. It was too risque. They had to get rid of it. He has one toe up in the air. Yeah. Pinky.

Taft. Pinky. Big fat Taft. That was his nickname. I've only heard gossip about Taft. I never heard the actual facts. So taking the bait, Luckett says he can't tell Pinkerton what the plan is, but that he offers to introduce him to the head of the operation, a man named Captain Cipriano Ferdinine.

Pinkerton meets with Ferdinine, Ferdinine. Guys, do we have a photo? I don't think so. He finds out that Ferdinine is planning to kill Lincoln himself when he passes through Baltimore. So after talking to him for a couple days, Pinkerton pieces together through rumors and reports and he figures out the plan. So quote, a vast crowd would meet at Lincoln's train at the Calvert Street Depot.

And here it was arranged that a small force of policemen should be stationed and as the president arrives, a disturbance would be created and it would then be an easy task for a determined man to shoot the president and aided by his companion to succeed in making his escape. Huh? Who's so... Sorry, what? It's going to be a, what's that over there?

Got it. This is... Oh, God. Clop, clop, clop, coconut shells. Right. So Pinkerton, of course, is like, holy shit, this is really happening. He rushes to send a secret telegraph warning to Norman Judd, who is, I suppose, because it's, he was part of Lincoln's suite, which I think is like his street team.

But I don't know. And who really cares? So Pinkerton tells Davies to meet with Hillard again to try to get more info on that side of what that plan is. So on February 18th, Davies has dinner with Hillard and Hillard openly confirms that his National Volunteers Unit is soon going to draw lots to see who will kill Lincoln. So Davies pretends he wants in and Hillard agrees to take Davies with him to the meeting at which they're going to pick the killer.

So now they're in. So that night, they go to a secessionist house with 20 other men, including Ferendini, who's dressed in funeral blacks, and they basically put on the light candles, or I think there was all candles back then, right? But they light them. With a lighter? Yeah. That's it.

That's the thick ever. Also Otis Hillard invented that, and they're just like, dude, stop. You're acting nuts. They gather in a circle and hold candles, and Davies is forced to swear his allegiance to this group, and then they all draw folded ballot slips from a box to see who will be the killer. They keep the draws anonymous. Nobody says anything, and then they all leave.

And they first play Truth or Dare before they know. It sounds like a sleepover. There's a lot of, kiss, kiss, and then people are like, stop it. Everybody ran out crying. All Davies knows is that he didn't draw the bad ballot, and neither did Otis Hillard. So he rushes back to tell Pinkerton about this creepy meeting, and the kissing, and then he tells his mom. So Pinkerton knows now this is happening and we have to act.

So the morning of February 21, now it's been three weeks since Samuel Felton has hired Pinkerton, only three weeks. So Pinkerton basically devises a plan to evade the attack by getting Lincoln's train to get to Baltimore early. So he books it up to Philly to pitch this idea to Lincoln. So he explains to the president, if you get to Baltimore early, it'll throw everyone off the trail, and then by the time February 23 rolls around, you'll already be safely in Washington, D.C. They'll be sitting here waiting to kill you in Baltimore, and we'll have

the last laugh. But this plan requires that Lincoln reduces caravan to only one or two people, which of course would leave him completely exposed. But that's not the reason Lincoln says no. Lincoln says no because he said he already made a commitment to raise the flag over Independence Hall in Philadelphia the next morning, and then visit the legislature in Harrisburg in the afternoon. Dude.

But I mean, you can't cancel. He won't cancel. So Pinkerton has to come up with another plan. And the second plan essentially works the same way it just, Lincoln would get to Baltimore a little later than Pinkerton wanted, like kind of pushing it a little bit, but enough ahead of the schedule to still foil the attack. So Lincoln agrees, and on the evening of February 22, after he follows through on all of his fucking obligations in Philly and Harrisburg, like a big nerd, he excuses himself from a

dinner with several prominent Pennsylvanians, and he goes upstairs in the building that they're in, and he's given a beaver hat and a shawl to disguise himself. That's the best disguise. Isn't that good? Mm-hmm. Because beaver hats don't attract attention at all. Beaver hats on a, what, six foot five man? Yep.

Nobody would know. But then a nice light blue shawl that his grandmother crocheted. It's like, what's that trapper doing with my grandma's shawl? Leave him alone. Okay, so then he's, so he's disguised, and they, sorry, they whisk him off to the station where he boards a train, a night train from Harrisburg back to Philly, and so he can catch the 11 p.m. train to Baltimore. But Pinkerton, the problem is that the Harrisburg train might not arrive in Philly in time for

him to board the 11 o'clock train. They're worried about the connection. So Pinkerton sets up a decoy. He creates an important package, which is just a box that's stuffed with old railroad reports and wrapped up in paper. Oh my God, is Abraham in the box? Yes. He becomes tiny somehow, and old railroad reports.

And he gives it to Felton, and then Felton goes and tells the railway workers, so this is like the president of the company coming down and being like, you have to, this package is so important and you have to get it on the train. Basically, he creates the diversion. Everyone's focusing on this package. And they say they have to get, oh. And then I bring up Abe Lincoln's package. That's why you have to look on his face.

I'm 10 years old. I'm so into history, I don't get sex jokes anymore. What on earth? Breathless with historical facts. So Lincoln's on the train. He's on his way to Philly, the plants and motion firm to get onto that 11 o'clock train. On a different railway than it was announced on the public itinerary that they released. And arriving at a different Baltimore station that was initially announced.

Tricky. When they could arrive in Baltimore in the dead of night, a sleeper car would then be unhitched from the train and drawn by horse to Camden Street station. Right? Cool. And as cool as something can be in 18, yes, whatever it is, 61. And then they were going to couple it to a Washington, D.C. bound train. So to ensure everything went according to plan, Pinkerton actually hires alignment to

go cut the telegraph communication line between Harrisburg and Baltimore so that there was no way anyone could go and send a telegram that Lincoln was coming. The tall guy's coming. He's not smiling. But he seems to be having a good time. Ask him how he feels when he gets there. Okay, so here's the hitch. The train from Harrisburg having orders to move quickly gets to Philly early.

They get there too soon. So the president is now at risk of being recognized by the other passengers at the station because he's not going to stand around and get dumb or whatever. He's got that great disguise on. The fucking beaver on his head. What did they just say? Okay. Just a living beaver.

Shh. Shh. The plan. Go to sleep. Don't ruin the plan, Jerry. So to fix this, Pinkerton decides that Lincoln is the safest place he could be would be in a moving carriage because then the only people that will know he's in there are the people with him.

He won't be spotted, whatever. So they go get a carriage, stick him in it in his disguise, and then they give the carriage driver insane directions. They give him all these really complicated directions and you need to keep your eye out for this person on the road. So basically the driver is distracted. He drives around in circles for like an hour and then the train comes. And then there's a rip in the time space continuum and the plane lands.

I'm so scared right now. You're doing great, you're doing great. Basically they get back to the station, they get onto the train when the train arrives without being seen. Great. Right? So while the train from Harrisburg to Philly allowed Lincoln and his team to travel in private, they're on the car, their train from Philly to Baltimore is like public.

He has to share it with strangers. Ew. Right? The rest. So what they do to maintain the president's anonymity is now they get a second, they get a female Pinkerton named Kate Warner and she poses as a woman who's traveling with her sick brother and she goes to the conductor and says, can we please sit in the back of the train?

My brother's very ill and he needs rest and I don't want him woken up, whatever. This is not what she said at all. Please, I beg you, with all the... The conductor buys her story and gets them reserved seats in the back of the train. So then they get to be on this train with a little curtain pulled between their area and the rest of the great unwashed. So it's a four and a half hour train ride with only a curtain dividing the president of the United States and everybody who kind of wants him dead.

But despite the looming threat of danger, Lincoln remained in good spirits the whole time, even joking with his team. Yeah, because he doesn't fucking take it seriously. Come on, dude. Dude, you're going to die, dude. Doesn't he know history? Also what are the jokes? What's a Lincoln joke?

Yeah, that makes him laugh. Pull my beard. No, do it, really, you'll love it. They get to Baltimore, they whisk Lincoln off to the connecting station to his next train. That train is delayed. So his, of course, the good spirits fucking hightail it out of there and he becomes queen bitch and is like, who's playing as this? So the sun's about to rise and all they can do is sit there and wait for this train to

come. So finally, but it does come and he slips on, they barrel out of Baltimore, they head for D.C. by 6 a.m. on February 23rd, Lincoln's train arrives safely in Washington, D.C., mission complete. And later that morning, Davies and Hilliard arrive at the assassination site, only to see that Lincoln has already passed through. And with Davies who write, with Davies who cite him, Hilliard expresses his bafflement as to how the president could have gotten the wind of the plot.

And that's when Davies turns to the camera and says, dude, I have no idea, and then winks, makes the seals up in the air, frees frame, credits roll. Oh, hold on. And so, as we all know, Abraham Lincoln was inaugurated to, this is his, that's an actual picture of his inauguration day, and here's the up close. Look at Mary Todd rocking that outfit, and that is the crazy story of the Baltimore plot to assassinate Abraham Lincoln. That was a wild cry.

Can you believe our history? I can't believe it happened. Do we have time for a hometown murder? All right, Karen's going to tell you a story. Here's the part where I tell you the rules. Yeah. There he is. Hi.

Hi. There it is. Yeah. All right. I can't believe you guys didn't touch the fried mozzarella back there. Oh, yeah. It's got a fried mozzarella. All right.

Carry on. Oh. Thanks. Thanks, Vince. Yeah. Okay, so let me just tell you really quick, you have to listen to the rules first, but you know the rules, but you have to listen anyway. So this is the time for a hometown murder.

We would love a Baltimore story. Maryland. Definitely Maryland. Nowhere else. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't think you should do it. Why are you special?

You can't be so drunk. You can't tell your own story. If I'm not allowed to be. I love your spirit, but no fucking way. It's such a nice, it's such a nice idea, but I mean, seriously, it's like tomorrow morning you show up at that side of the stage. Please have the beginning, middle, and end. That's the best way to tell any story.

And anything else? Everyone hates you. Oh, yeah. That's right. Keep it quick. Keep it quick because people hate you for getting picked. Okay. Let's kind of get the lights up a tiny bit.

Three sisters? We don't have three mics. That sounds like a nightmare. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Go over here. Oh, hi. Wow. Hey, guys.

Hi. Jesus. This looks like Lincoln's inauguration in here. Am I right? This is scary. It's amazing. Turn them down or shut them down. Yeah, that's crazy.

That's horrifying. It's scary. Thank you. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Thank you.

Okay. Don't look at the audience. Don't look. Hi. That's great. Jessica. Hi, Jessica. Hi.

It's Jessica. Hi. Hi. Hi, Jessica. Hi. Nice to meet you. Come in the center. Go here.

This is Jessica, everybody. Jessica. Hi. It's so great. I know. So, like, a lot of people tell me I look like you. Oh, yeah. We look a lot like.

Don't we? Yeah. Yeah. Bottom line. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What's your story?

Um, so I'm going to tell a story. It's not my technical hometown, but it's my college town, UMBC. Yeah. Go Retrievers. Go. What? Really? Yes.

They're Golden Retrievers. What? That's our mascot. What? Because you like the mascots. His name is Trugrin. And, um, he's a Golden Retriever and he's fierce. I feel like he's not.

Golden Retriever. That's real. Do you swear that's real? I swear to God. God is real. Google it. Okay. I will.

We did really good at basketball last year. Congratulations. Thank you. Yes. Great. 16 seed with the number one. It's a good school. She said Google it.

We're an honors college. Oh. Thank you. Wait. Let's talk a little bit more about this college. It's a really good school. It's a great school. Except for the murder.

Oh. It's a UMBC and MySpace murder. And there was a student there by the name of John Gomer. And he met a lovely lady on MySpace named Josie Brown. And they went on a date. They were driving back to his apartment on campus. Details are fuzzy. I'm trying to remember them all.

But I guess he wanted to fuck her. She did not. She said drive me home. She said sure. So we're like okay. But somewhere along the route he got upset that she would not fuck him. And got her out of the car or she asked out, we don't really know what happened. He beat her to death.

Oh. I know. So he beat her there, left her there and just went back to college. Like nothing happened. Couple months go by, body is found. Journal reports say he tried to cut off her fingers but only did one hand and removed her bottom jaw. So she wouldn't be identified.

But luckily he pocket dialed her while he was beating her. It was all caught on her voicemail. No. Yeah. So he is now in jail and prison for the rest of his life. And that's the UMBC murder back in 2005. Jesus. Horrifying.

But it's the worst. Thank you. That was amazing. Yeah. Great job. Oh wait. Oh we have a present. Is it a Canadian Kit Kat?

No. We forgot the present. Yeah the present? Oh yeah. It's a keychain someone made that says Murderina. Oh it's so cute. Thanks whoever made this. I love it.

Thank you. I'll take that. Thanks. Great job. Move events. Thank you. Oh that was horrifying. Jarring.

Okay. Thank you guys for coming tonight. Thank you for listening. Thank you for supporting us always. We're so grateful and so lucky that we get to do this and drive in the snow and come see these warm and friendly faces. It's wonderful. Thank you.

Yeah this was an amazing show and we say this all the time, that's the problem with posting live shows as people hear our speeches at the end, but we say it because we honestly mean it. This is our dream come true. I mean like because of your support, because of you guys coming out, getting tickets showing up, we got to write a book. Like the reason that's happening is because of you guys. And so we're so excited that we get to do it with you.

So thank you so much for being with us throughout this fucking insane situation that we are in. And thanks for coming out. And do us a favor and stay sexy. And don't get hurt. Bye Baltimore. Thank you. Thank you.