My Favorite Murder with Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark - My Favorite Murder Presents: I Said No Gifts! - Episode 1: Matt Ingebretson Disobeys Bridger

Episode Date: March 24, 2020

My Favorite Murder present the first episode of I Said No Gifts! where Bridger politely accepts a gift from Matt Ingebretson (Comedy Central's "Corporate"). Listen and subscribe to I Said No Gifts! on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

You guys were excited, so excited to present episode one of the brand new podcast from our friend, Bridger Weinerger, I Said No Gifts. With special guest, Matt Ingebrezen, you might know him from Comedy Central's corporate or stand-up comedy. You can listen to episode two right afterwards with special guest, Jessica Gao. It's available in the I Said No Gifts feed. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at I Said No Gifts, and there's lots of pictures of the gifts, the stuff that's happening on the show. Listen, like, subscribe to I Said No Gifts now on Apple Podcast, on Stitcher, or wherever you get your podcasts. Goodbye! Welcome to the show.

This is I Said No Gifts, and I'm Bridger Weinerger, and I'm so happy you're here. I hope you're feeling nice, maybe washing some dishes, driving to work, and kind of just collecting yourself before a big day. Whatever it is, we're gonna get it, get through it. And I've got a friend here. I've got a friend. He's a writer. He's a comedian. He is a director. He is the star of a television show called Corporate, Matt Ingebrezen. Hello, Bridger. Matt, I'm so happy you're here. Bridger, what are we doing here? I invited you here, and you're already causing trouble. Did you start a podcast? Who told you to do this?

I was visited in the night, and had this little idea, and then you came along and told me I should do it. And so now I'm dragging you back in for the first, you know... I will take credit for this, actually. You said, Bridger, you should do that if someone will give you a microphone. And I said, that sounds about right. Someone made that mistake. Somebody has made a huge mistake, and we're just gonna have to move through it. And now this is your first one. How do you feel so far? I'm gonna interview you for this podcast. You are not interviewing me. I'm the host here. You parasite. You caught me on a big week. What? You caught me on a big week. And so?

Well, where do you want me to start? The week started out big with me going to none other than the Korean spa. Which one? Have you been to Weespa? Yes, I have. Have we talked about Weespa? I don't know if we have. Weespa, for me, is Disneyland. It is truly the best possible feeling. You get to go... In the sense that you dress up as a Disney princess when you go. Of course. I'm in my bell gown. I've got the full wig, and I'm wet. Okay, Weespa, for the Korean spa, for people who don't know, should we explain it a little bit? Yeah, I think that's worth talking about. This is the only Korean spa I've ever been to. Weespa is kind of Los Angeles' premier Korean spa.

Multi-story spa. You go in, you put on a little costume. Well, that's not a costume. It's truly the least sexy. It's like oversized shorts and a boxy t-shirt. Everyone looks bad. Well, you're given a little watch at the beginning. A little watch you wrap around your wrist that gives you access to your locker. That's right. You go in there, and this, for me, was huge, getting naked in front of strangers. Me, too, when I did it. Enormous, but also excellent for me mentally. For your self-esteem. Oh, my self-esteem was through the roof.

Everyone looks terrible. Begging to look at me. Everyone wanted a look. And I showed them. People were hooting and hollering. No, so you get naked, then you walk over. Oh, but they do give you the shorts and the t-shirt. But that's for later. That's right. Because, I mean, at least I'm speaking from my personal experience. Well, did you start with the bath stuff? I always start with the bath stuff. You don't? I end with the bath stuff. Oh, that's probably the move. Yes, I go do. Well, because I feel like I get, ultimately, a little dirty in the saunas.

Oh, yes. Because you're kind of lying around in gravel. Yeah, you're lying in gravel. Yeah. It's funny, like, describing this, it doesn't sound appealing at all. No. You go to the spa, you lie down in gravel, you roll around, you get filthy as a dog. You're wearing over side shorts, and then you leave. Okay, so that makes sense to me, actually. This time I began in the baths. Yes. Went to the dry spa. Yes. Went back to the baths. The next day my hair was as dry as a bone.

It was like I had shampooed it 18 times. But the reason I started in the baths this time was I scheduled the body scrub. Okay. Have you done the body scrub? No, I have not, but I've been tempted to. It is an insane experience. Because it seems painful? It's not painful. It's not painful. Basically. But it is invasive.

It's the most invasive thing that has ever happened to me. Even more than sex. 100%. Oh, absolutely. Because, I mean, you lie down on essentially just a metal table, and you're fully naked, and a man for the next half an hour scrubs your body to the bone. Yes. I mean, it occurred to me while I was lying there that it was as close. It feels like cadaver training. Because you're just in this kind of unpleasant atmosphere.

It's like you're waiting for someone to come and identify your body. Solo room? No. I mean, sometimes there will be another person on another bed there. Okay. But it's very relaxing. It's borderline prison camp. Well, it's a crazy thing that you're making another human being. Somebody is, they're being paid to truly touch your entire body.

Maybe they like that. I suppose. I also, usually they're Korean people. I feel like most cultures don't have the horror body shame that Americans do. Yes, that's right. So maybe it's not as big of a deal. If I was scrubbing down somebody's body, I don't know. I would be apologizing most of the time. And after the scrub, what? Do you feel soft?

You feel invigorated. You feel like a whole new you. All of your, all of that skin is gone. Your body has been desecrated by a stranger. I am at that point hot pink, because my skin is usually just white as a sheet. And then I march around back into the sauna. And people are very excited to see me. Do you use the toiletries that they provide for you, the lotions and things?

I can't tell you. This time I went all the way. I used the toothbrush. Oh, good God. The opera free toothbrush. You're out of control. I was like, you know what? I'm here. I'm going to brush my teeth. Yes.

So I did the body scrub. I mean, this trip, and I'm so sorry that we're just talking all spa. But this trip to the spa felt calculated to really pinpoint my anxiety because in the bath area, there was a man with a ponytail who was diving into the tubs the entire time. Yes. And these are, you know, they're not, you know, it's not a swimming pool. There are signs that say do not dive into the tubs. Diving.

Literally diving every time. Yes. So fortunately not into the tubs that I was in, but as someone who is just annoyed by those people, that just was on my mind while I'm trying to relax. Yes. I move on to the scrub. Halfway through the scrub, the guy starts coughing. Oh.

So not the sound you want to hear while you're trying to just be scrubbed. That reminds me of a massage I once got, actually, that actually I believe I talked to you on the phone right before I got it. Wait, was this in our, the neighborhood you used to live in, which is currently my neighborhood, that you, I feel like you told me there's a Thai massage to avoid. It was, no. Well, there is one to avoid, but there's another one to avoid. Probably a lot of massages to avoid.

This was in, I had done a show, no, I got into a show a couple hours early and I had some time to kill. So I was, at first I was sitting outside on the curb outside of a McDonald's and actually had a couple more. The perfect intro to a massage. A couple Mormon missionaries came up and tried to, I clearly look terrible because they tried to, you know, bring me into their faith. Then I was like, you know what?

I'm going to get a massage. I'll treat myself. So I just, in Google Maps, I just put in Thai massage, looked up no information on it. I walked in, the smell was highly questionable. In which way? It smelled like a restaurant. Yeah, it smelled like meat. But it was an exclusively massage place.

As far as I could tell. Okay. I walked in, the moment I walked in, I was like, I've made a mistake and I should leave, but they were already like, hello. So I was like, well, I'm about to drop 50 bucks and just do this. I pay money. It's one of the most painful massages I ever got that culminated in her, you know, when they walk on your back and they usually have straps that they hold and too bad.

I'm not from, I know that they walk on your back, but I wasn't aware of these straps. That's right. That's right. Often on the ceiling, something to help them balance. They didn't have those. Instead, when it was time to walk on my back, she pulled out a senior citizen's like walker and straddled me with it and then walked up and down my back. Oh, no.

I was in pain for weeks after that. It really decimated me. Did it feel like whatever she was doing, she was actually doing it correctly? It's just not something that you wanted done to you or was she just a madman? She was out of control. That sounds crazy. It was a bad, I was in pain. I hurt for weeks after.

Was there any part of it that was enjoyable? No, and massages are tricky because they are that balance between like pain and pleasure. You want it to hurt a little bit, but I like, she like sprained a muscle in me or something. I've never really had a professional massage now that I think about it. The closest I've become is the scrub. The scrub. But maybe it's time for me to look into a massage. I just don't know who to trust.

You get into Yelp and of course Yelp reviews now mean nothing. I know. So who and then I don't know. I don't want to. I've been thinking about a facial. Oh. I've never gotten one. You should try a facial.

How do you do that? You have a beard. So half of your face is covered. I'm not getting my money's worth. I hope I should get a half off. Yeah, I should. What would you want a facial for? I feel like you've got nice skin.

This is, well, thank you, Bridger. This is, Bridger, you don't have to. Matt, let me describe your face to the listeners. But go ahead. Matt's face right now is bathed in a very soft light. So smooth, not a blemish on it. Maybe under the beard there's horrible scarring, but from what I can tell Matt's got a perfect face. So keep that in mind while he talks about giving himself a facial.

That was nice. Well, a facial. So I've heard, and this is slightly disgusting, but I've heard that they like dig out blackheads, that they like get in there. And I think I like that a little. I think most, whether people want to admit it or not, most people love that. I love a blackhead coming out of their face. Now, my only regret is that I wouldn't be able to see it.

I want to see it happen. Do you, I remember pretty clearly when I discovered I could squeeze like a blackhead out of my nose and being like, that's disgusting, but it's also. But I want it. Yeah. I want it to happen. And I think I've been told you shouldn't do that. No, I don't think you should.

But maybe if you have a professional, how are they doing with a little needle or something? Yes. Does that hurt? I think it does. They're excavating your face. Hillary got one recently and said that it was painful, but like an interesting experience. I wonder what level of pain. I don't know.

How did she look after? Could you tell that she had just had her face dug up? She was covered in blood. But I've become it. She talked to me about it and now I'm intrigued, although I don't even know if I need one because again, I have perfect skin except for the horrid scar. I feel like maybe you want like a relaxing facial. Something that's not going to do a lot of work that's more just like they're putting

the cucumbers on your face. They're putting slime on it. Well, another thing I do, I do know what I enjoy and I don't really watch ASMR videos, but I do like personal attention. Like whenever a doctor like does like checks on me, I like that a lot. And if I could just pay, I guess I could just go to the doctor more often. Just constantly. You and I kind of share a doctor.

He is a bit of a joke writer. Listen, I have heard probably more of his comedy than yours at this point. I do think that's true. And it is truly like written comedy. It's interesting. It is like old school monologue. He goes for it. Yes.

Yeah. And that's the first 10 minutes of your appointment is you are the audience. I mean, I've had a lot of experiences with the doctor this year because early August, as you know, got strep throat. Which was absolutely horrifying. And I just, I scheduled one appointment with him. It was fine. I went.

Second time I was at his office was, I just showed up. It was like, what about Bob's style? Because I was so desperate for help. He was very accommodating. You didn't go to an urgent care. Well, I'll tell you, I was deeply sick. Went to an urgent care without looking at my insurance. And you don't want to be in an urgent care, deeply sick, uninsured.

Right. I walk up to the counter. They turned me away. Oh. I nearly burst into tears. They turned your way? Well, they told me that I was going to be like hundreds of dollars. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And of course, I'm not spending a dime on myself. No, Bridger is a known cheapskate. I turned around and just went home. Yes. Then you stay. Okay. So, I mean, this is a lot, but the strep throat eventually went away. I fall asleep the day that it's going away on my couch.

I wake up, I've got shingles. It felt like I had finally gotten out of a cave and got immediately hit by a car. This was a dark time in Bridger's life. Shingles, I don't know. I didn't see much of him during this time. Well, I hope nobody did. Shingles for five weeks, right on my face, which was, so this all, this was, of course, more trips to the doctor.

And listen, there was some diagnosis and some treatments that were probably not correct. What are you saying to me right now? I'm saying that I, well, I, initially after being turned away from the urgent care, I went on the cell phone. Have you done this yet? The cell phone doctor? The Skype app or the sort of like video conference. Yes, I did.

What did you do it for? I got food poisoning recently. Oh. And I was, I was vomiting so much and I couldn't keep any liquid down that I was severely dehydrated and I got on and he was like, go to the emergency room. Okay. So yes. That feels worthless.

Wait, what causes to this food poisoning? Well, Hillary and I, all the same thing, she didn't get it, but she has more of an iron stomach than I do. Okay. But we did eat Trader Joe's lobster ravioli the night before. That's right. I'm sorry, but you, a thousand percent deserved to get me poisoning. I don't know what it came over me.

I was in the ravioli department at Trader Joe's and I'm typically a butternut squash guy. Of course. You know this about me, Bridger. As everyone should be. The lobster is, no one's buying that. Well, I did. And to be honest, it wasn't even that good. No offense to Trader Joe's.

No offense to the chefs of Trader Joe's. I don't want to bring that upon you, but it's not your finest work. So we had, I woke up the next morning. I was like, this is something is wrong. I couldn't keep any liquids down. I was like shaking. I was so dehydrated into the emergency room. By the way, you turn into a monster at the emergency room because they're all hell.

There was like an hour wait. Of course. And I was pissed off. Everyone else there. I was like, I don't care if you're dying. I wanted before you. Are people bleeding? Are you sitting there with people bleeding?

Nobody else was bleeding. As far as I can tell, unless they were concealing it. I walked in though and I was like, I just told them. I was like, I have the flu and I need help. Oh, so at that point you still felt it was not food poisoning? I didn't know. Okay. But I'm pretty sure it was.

My big food poisoning event was another fish product. It was salmon fish and chips, but a restaurant. Of course I had it coming. But at the same time at that restaurant, I also ate ravioli weirdly. And so I can't, to the stake, can't eat a ravioli. Listeners, if you have, if you take anything away from this podcast, stop eating ravioli. Don't combine them with a fish. Cross it off the list.

It's done. Okay. It's a little pocket that's like, there's too much in there. There's just a good chance that part of it's going to get pointed at some point. You don't need to, pasta's enough. You don't need to put stuff inside of pasta. Exactly. There's just something over it.

Just settle down. Eat it dry. One more food poisoning story I'll share. Let's hear it. I was in Montreal for a comedy festival. The night, last night I was there, everyone stayed up like having a fun time, partying and stuff. At 2.30 in the morning, I head back to my hotel.

On the way back to my hotel, there was a true TV sponsored stand that was handing out bagels and locks. As we all know, true TV is famous. It's the money for the finest. Bagels and locks. Yes. From true TV. I only eat fish from true TV.

Out of a cooler at 2.30 in the morning. Oh no. And I scarfed it down. Were you drunk? I was a little bit drunk. Okay. That makes a little more sense. Yeah.

I was impaired. I then, which honestly, they shouldn't have been serving me locks. That was honestly. Who is serving locks at 2.30 in the morning? That is not in middle of the night food. I hope somebody hears this in true TV. I should get some money for this. You should get a whole series out of this.

Yeah. The next morning, I wake up at 9 a.m. and I'm like, something is terribly wrong. My flight leaves in two and a half hours from Montreal. So I then, I call Lyft. I'm like, I need to go get medicine. I walk downstairs. I feel terrible. I haven't thrown up yet.

I get in the Lyft. I tell him to take me to a pharmacy. Within two minutes, I have the car door open and I'm vomiting out the side. He's yelling at me. I understandably so because I just got into his car and immediately started throwing up. And he probably just thinks you're hungover and an irresponsible jerk. So I, then he doesn't take me all the way to the farm. He like drops me off a couple blocks later and is like, get out of my car.

So then I stumble my way to the pharmacy. The idea of being food poisoned and then getting on a plane. It was terrible. I would move to Montreal at that. It was one of the most out of body experiences I've had in my life. This is a big time for you because I know your birthday is also coming up. That's right. My birthday is coming up when the holidays are coming up.

Gifts. The word gift is right there in the title of this podcast. What do you like to, do you have any gifts you like to get for your birthday? Well, I, my goal, because it's always, I'm essentially always trying to trick people into getting things for me that I, I don't want surprise gifts. I want things that I desire. You like to like carefully guide without directly telling. That's exactly right.

Sure. I'm looking for things that I want, but might not by myself. So like clothes from a clothing store that typically I might be like, I don't need that expensive of a shirt or something like that. What store are we talking about here? Well, do you want to get free plugs? Well, I just want to know, because I don't know where to buy clothes anymore. I haven't bought, I was looking in my closet the other day, I'm like, most of my shirts

are truly 15 years old. Well, and this is something we've talked about this before. Because you, you are simultaneously a fashionable man, but almost buy no clothes for yourself. I buy almost, this is my most recent purchase. I bought this at a place called the Rats Nest in North Carolina. It's nice. Thank you. It's lovely.

For sure. But you should be doing more, because Bridger and listeners, you can't say he's a spelt, he's a handsome, but he's bathed out. Let me describe Bridger's face for you. We've got to talk about my body as much as possible on this podcast. Bridger is, has an extremely symmetrical face. He has, I'd say, cute forehead wrinkles. He has a great jawline, great hair.

He's got a real look. My hair, I will say today, I'm pretty happy with how my hair looks. I'm unhappy with how my hair looks. I feel like your hair always looks good. Well, I've just picked a look where it's like all over the place. It's kind of a do whatever it wants. If that's right. There's no wrong answers.

Yeah. You should be very happy with that. I was going to ask, and I know we're trying to get to the next part of the podcast, or maybe we're not. No, we're not. Great. I was going to ask you, how many times a week are you shampooing? Zero.

Well, I would say once, why I jumped to zero, I was shocked to hear that. I don't wash my hair. Zero. I haven't washed my hair since I was 10. No, I would say one every week and a half. Every week and a half. Okay. So that's because.

Probably too much. Really? Okay. I probably do twice a week. You're washing your hair twice a week? I'm not supposed to wash it at all. Well. Where's the science on shampooing?

I don't think there is any. It's all hearsay. Wait till it stinks. Well, that's my thing. I sweat. I when I exercise, I sweat a fair amount. So that is my concern is I don't want. Now, here's the thing is it's like how many I'm six foot four.

So not many people are getting a whiff of my hair. That's true. It's for the birds. This is exclusively for birds. Yes. That's right. So I'm, but it's a concern of mine where like I sweat it on like, well, I guess I need to watch it.

So often what I'll do is conditioner. No shampoo. Oh, interesting. What sort of conditioner? Well, okay. I've been experimenting. So my sister, I have two older sisters and they've guided me through life in terms of hair products and facial products and clothing.

About a year ago, she got me a shampoo and conditioner called Davanes. Okay. Are you familiar? It's expensive. Of course not. It's like 35 bucks for a thing of conditioner for me. Now I'll tell you what, it's incredible. It's it.

What? I mean, what is the difference you're saying? Well, when you do it, your hair, I was like, oh, my hair was never got clean from the other. It feels actually like, oh, I can run my hands through. Let me see if I can run my hands. Yes. My hair is kind of thick. Bridger's hand is stuck.

He's trying to yank it out right now. Immediately stuck. I'll just keep it here till the end of the podcast and go to the hospital. Something I have done in the last year, every few months is a deep conditioning with coconut oil. Is that what I'm using? Where I'll put it in at night, throw a shower cap on and go to bed like a grandmother. Oh, my God.

Well, that's what I was about to ask, because I once made the mistake of, I read that you should put coconut oil in your hair. Oh, sure. I put it in in the shower, tried to rinse it out. It didn't all come out. Then I'm just have greasy hair all night. I didn't have a shower cap, so then I ruined a pillow at night. Of course.

It's good. How was the pillow ruined? Was it just like? Not ruined, but it was like coconut oil all over it. Yeah. I didn't have a pillow at that point. Well, the thing with the deep conditioning for me is I didn't notice any difference. It was just annoying and then I woke up and then I was like, I guess it was a little shinier.

My hair is already like an annoying color and I'm like, I don't need to draw any more attention to this. It's all guesswork with when it comes to hair and the beauty industry, because it's like the beauty industry's propaganda. So it's really difficult to discern what is actually working and what is just marketing. Getting honest answers from people. It's like, I don't know. I largely rely on my sister.

She recently just gave me some new face moisturizer that I've been putting on. Are you moisturizing your face? I'm doing, look, everyone knows about me. I'm a Jennifer Aniston type. I've been doing a Vino for years. Is that right? I'm in a Vino. Okay.

On your face? Face, arms. Now, do you have a specific face one or you're putting normal lotion onto your face? Normal. I'm putting normal lotion. Bridger? It's a very mild lotion. I don't know.

I mean, I, I'm looking at Steven. I'm looking at the other people in the room to see if that is okay. It's an oatmeal base. We're getting a grimace and, and somebody, and Steven is shaking his face. It's an oatmeal base. Jen Aniston's putting it on or she's making the big bucks. Jennifer Aniston is absolutely, she is, that has never touched her face. I guarantee you that.

She looks gorgeous. Right. Exactly. Because she's not using a Vino. I feel like a Vino is a, I mean, I'm sure it's fine, Bridger. But you should consider. Should I move to a new thing? Is my, but I've been doing this literally since I was probably 12 years old because

I have very dry skin. Oh yes. Well, and that's actually, that's when we all should have started using heavy face moisturizers in our pre-teens. Yeah. Yes. Because you know, we want that youthful look. Are you putting sunscreen on your face every day?

I'm, again, I have an a Vino with an SPF. That's fine. Okay. That's the main thing you must be doing. And listeners, sunscreen on your face. Let's all put, look, I wish I had known. But you know, when you're a teenager in Utah in the 90s, everybody wants to be tan. We need to grow up, yes.

I, where somebody had just taken me aside and said, it's never going to happen for you. Stay out of the sun, you idiot. You're going to get burned. Because you must have just gotten redder, right? Oh my God. I've been absolutely, you know, I've been hospitalized with a sunscreen in Venezuela. But that was a whole other experience. We'll leave that for another podcast.

Too much time on the beach and then back into the hospital, but look, there's been something on the table this entire time. You know, there's very few rules about this podcast. Yes. Each episode should be eight hours long. And I said no gifts. Well Bridger, I'm sorry, but I felt that I felt awkward not bringing something. Currently Matt has brought, I'm just going to describe what seems to be probably a foot

and a half long by a foot box in a beautiful floral wrapping with a card on top. Is that for me? Bridger. Matt, I said no gifts. I couldn't help myself. Okay. I felt like I needed to do something. This feels like a strange way to draw attention to yourself on iPodcast.

Well, okay. Well, now you're making this about, I just felt it was the right thing to do and it doesn't have to be about me. And I honestly resent a little bit about that you're calling me. Well, do I, should I open it? Please. Okay. Well, I just, I thought I opened the card first.

For me with a card, I never know if I should save it for later or open the, I will sing as you just showed up with a gift. Yes. Should I read it aloud on the podcast? Okay. It's like, I'm going to describe, this is literally just a piece of paper Matt has folded in half. No, hang on.

It's card stock. It's card stock. Where did you get card stock? I made custom. I, you know, I put, I didn't put a ton of work into this one, but I'll often draw a picture on it. This says, we have been friends for close to a decade, gone through life's ups and downs. And I finally feel close enough to you to ask, how do you pronounce your last name?

Sincerely, Matt. Matt, I really appreciate that. I mean, I know you know how to pronounce my last name, but I'm going to say ballpark, 80% of the people in my life don't pronounce my last name quickly. And I wanted to give them a chance to learn without having to confront you face to face with them. Yes. This podcast ultimately for me was just to teach people how to pronounce my last name.

That's right. Yes. Weinegger. Weinegger. It looks like vinegar. Yes. Which I understand people would want to say vinegar, but there are people in my life and I'm not going to name names who should have figured this out by now.

It's Weinegger. But you also interesting that you have a last name that I imagine a lot of people struggle with. Yes. Although which is crazy to me because your name to me really tells you how to pronounce it. It's phonetic. Yeah.

Inge Bretzen. What pronunciations are you getting? Inge Bretzen. Inge Bretzen. Inge Bretzen. Inge. Inge Bretzen. Inge Bretzen.

Oh my God. And then just blank stares. People are putting in a lot of work to mispronounce names. I know. Inge Bretzen. That feels so, it's fun. It feels like it's like on a pogo. I do feel like your last name being vinegar is add something.

Bridger vinegar. Bridger vinegar. It's sort of like your alter ego. Yeah. That's kind of my poisonous like a crime fiction writer or something like that. I'm like stalking through the shadows. Bridger vinegar. Yes.

Well, okay. I'm going to open the gift. Please. Let's get some nice. Are you a, a lot of people I think will just dive into ripping open a gift. I try to be a little more careful with the wrapping paper. I don't. Although this is nice wrapping paper.

Yeah. This is like a wallpaper almost. Now tear, tear it up. I don't because I just get now there is underneath. You could damage something. Your career. You're right about that. This you're safe.

Now I will say just before we get your hopes up, the box that it's in is not what the gift is. So this is not a Sega Genesis. It's nice. Okay. Genesis. Yeah. I just adjust my expectations.

Now this is very nice wrapping paper actually, but it's a little bit inconvenient because it didn't come in a roll. It came in two rectangles. That's the new thing, which seems crazy. It doesn't make any sense. Just give me the roll. Yes. Like the rectangles, it's, I think it's a new way to overcharge.

I think so. Although this is like a hearty paper. It's not the thin dollar store. And you just tore it up. It'll never be used again. Never again. It's, it looks like you've got, you've recently ordered from an online retailer. I won't mention, but.

That's right. Yeah. It probably fits. And they're actually. Oh, look at this. What is this? It's a t-shirt, a beautiful t-shirt. Yes.

What is happening here? So you've sent me, where you've given me, oh my good grief. What I initially thought was just a white t-shirt with a pocket, which would have been terrific. A great gift. Of course, everyone likes to just get a nice t-shirt. Yes. I turn it around. Matt has.

I have to explain something and I'll have to share this at some point. For the last, well, let's see, in about 2012, I don't know what did this to me, but I was Google image searching Sizzler. Yes. And I found the highest resolution photo maybe on the internet of none other than the owner of Sizzler. Is that who that is? Four.

I was looking to this recently. I don't know why. Kerry Cramp was the owner of Sizzler. This is just a photo of him standing in front of a salad bar at Sizzler. I'm telling you, this photo was beyond 4K resolution. It was, you could put it on a billboard and it would be crystal clear. You could see the blackheads on his face. Yes.

So I eventually switched it to my, it's, to this day has been my desktop wallpaper. Incredible. I saw you tweet that recently. I didn't know if it was a lie or not. That wasn't a lie. I was trying to share with the world. This has been my photo since I bought this computer, I believe seven, six, seven years ago.

I also should probably get a new computer, but when I do get the new computer, I will be putting Kerry right back on, although now I can wear it on a t-shirt. So it's a tip. Tell me about this. Okay. Well, I, one of my favorite gifts to give people actually is a custom t-shirt. You've done this for me before. That's right.

I could name, you've given me a t-shirt that says, which I wear frequently when I'm working out. Proud mommy blogger. Oh yeah. I forgot about that one. And you've given me a horse symphony t-shirt, which is very stylish actually. That's probably my best work. Although I will say the sleeves are a little long.

I might have them trimmed or something. My arms are too short. Trimmed. Can you get a t-shirt, it's like trimmed? You could if you're out of control. You take it. If you're spiraling. Or do you do it yourself?

Maybe I do go sleeveless. Yeah. Turn into a muscle T. Is that my personality type? Absolutely not, but I think you could do it. But this is something you do. Custom t-shirts. I like to make custom t-shirts for people.

I use a website, which I will plug because I use them all the time, I think they're great, called Custom Inc. Custom Inc. Is that the one with the squid? Yes. I tried to make a Waveray 64 t-shirt on that, but I couldn't pull the trigger because it was $25. Well, and again, going back to the fact that you're a cheapskate.

What do you pay, what is your, in your mind, what should a t-shirt cost? This is a problem for me because I haven't bought, I mean, the majority of my customers in my clothing was bought over a decade ago. I feel like you're living in the year 1997. Yeah. So if I see a t-shirt that's over $10, oh my God, that's a splurge, that's a big splurge for me. Over $10?

Over $10, it feels like, oh, I have to, I truly, and I also, I can say I recognize this as a mental flaw at this point. I have to think it over, and I frequently think it over until the point that it vanishes and then I just don't buy anything. You have to readjust. Now listen, a $10 t-shirt, obviously a great deal, but I'd say t-shirts on average, these days, you have to expect $20. What was the last t-shirt you bought for yourself?

Well, I just actually recently, this is not a good example of this because they are cheap, but I bought a five pack of plain white Hanes t-shirts. Those are, that's the last one. Is this just like an undershirt situation or? An undershirt, I've also, I mean, I continue to dress more and more like my father did in the mid 90s. Sure. And so.

As most people do. Jeans with a tucked in white t-shirt. That's a sort of around the house look for me, or maybe a Sunday afternoon, I'm stopping by the hardware store type of, you know. Okay, that makes sense. That's a good look for that sort of thing. Yes. Now I do feel like you just recently tweeted about t-shirts being softer than ever.

That's right. And I think I, I mean, I think I agree. Okay, now they've always like a vintage t-shirt has always been. Of course, it's been through the wash. That's right, but a new t-shirt, at this point in history, we're reaching new levels of silence. We are though. I agree.

But what's doing it? And who's driving this movement? Well. Nobody really asks for it. I mean, like, we're all happy for that. And you know, somebody responded to that tweet, a good point, which is that the durability level has plummeted on these t-shirts. Oh, interesting.

Fast fashion. That's right. They're softer. By the way, a clip I recommend, this is fast fashion, made me think of it, there's a clip of Kim Kardashian at this speech thanking, oh, shit, maybe cut this part. No, no, no. Leave it. No, I want to, I mean, regardless, I need you to continue down this path.

Okay. Kim Kardashian, she's being interviewed and she is, she has a funny story. She's like, oh, funny story. I have to tell. It was, I was offered a million dollars to post a fast fashion Instagram post. And I thought, why don't I do it? But then Kanye told me that I shouldn't do it because they rip off designs from Yeezus. And I was like, okay, Kanye, I won't do it just for you.

And she sets this up as like a cute story she's telling. So then she's like, so I didn't do it for Kanye, I didn't make the million dollars. My birthday comes around and he gives me an envelope and inside is a check for one million dollars. What? And a contract to be a partner in the Yeezus. How is this a marriage? That is the most psychotic.

These people like, yes, that each of their skulls contains a human brain is so bizarre. Yes, I know. What? So fast fashion. You made me think of that. Okay. Back to t-shirts. Back to t-shirts.

They're softer than ever. They're softer than ever. Less durable, certainly. And I feel like a lot of my, I've bought some very, I mean, granted cheap t-shirts and after one wash I have to iron them, I don't want to have to iron a t-shirt. Absolutely not. I want it to just fit my body and look casual. I have been, my sister speaking to my sister again, I bought, okay, actually this is before

those Haynes white t-shirts, a couple other t-shirts I bought. It's funny that I tweeted that t-shirt thing because I bought some not soft t-shirts recently. Oh, okay. I bought a couple. Name names. I bought another couple Haynes. Oh, Haynes. This company has no consistency.

Haynes? Like a blue? I bought a plain t-shirt. So I bought a blue and like a green t-shirt off of Amazon. I'm sorry for supporting that company. I know they're destroying the environment. But I bought them and they shamed me because of how not soft they were. Oh, interesting.

Now they've since sent me a new t-shirt that is very soft. In response to them not being soft? Yes. Did you complain? What? Wait. I didn't complain. They were like, Matt, you can't be wearing t-shirts like this anymore.

You're an adult man. This t-shirt isn't soft. This says a lot about who I am is that my older sisters have shamed me my entire life in my fashion. But why not? I mean, at least put those t-shirts to work, run them through the wash a few times. I've been working on that. I think they're getting a little softer.

Let's be honest. You just moved into a new home. You have your own washing machine. I do. Use that thing to just beat the hell out of some t-shirts and turn them into the soft t-shirts you desire. They're luxurious. My thing with t-shirts is I feel like we made some enormous progress from about 2003 to

2013 of t-shirts that fit men's bodies. Yes. As a small person, this has been something I've really struggled with my entire life. Finding a t-shirt that just fits in a fitted way, we're now forgetting all of those lessons and moving directly towards t-shirts that go to your knees. What's happening? I don't know. I was just trying to grasp onto this.

I was in heaven for a minute, too, because I'm in a slightly different position, tall and thin. Sure. Now, typically, t-shirt companies, in the past, each size up, they assumed you got longer and wider. Oh, yeah. Of course. I was wearing shirts that fit me were baggy, so then for many years, I wore shorts that

were too small for me but fit me around the torso the way that I wanted to. To be a medium-sized man, that's the dream. I know. Somewhere between you and I is the perfect t-shirt wear. Yes, that's exactly right. And that's a real shame. How tall are you again? I'm five-six and you're six-two?

Four. Six-four. That is tall. You're a tall human being. I'm a tall man. I'm right on the verge. You're almost a foot taller than me. I'm right on the verge of it being like a problem and people would stare if I was any

taller. Yeah. Was there pressure on you to play basketball? Yes, but... Do you feel like Dad was mad that you didn't become a professional? I think... He's probably mad at himself. He's also a tall man.

I know. He was six-three. My grandpa was six-four. Was he a basketball player? I can toss the pigskin up the hole. If there's a hole, I'll toss a ball at it. Well, it sounds like you give it a try. I gave it a try.

You know, I will... What happened was when I was in seventh grade, I was pretty good. I was on the A-team at my school, then eighth grade rolled around. A couple other guys got their gross spurts before I did, shot up above me. I got moved down to the B-team, and I became resentful, and I quit after that. But, as we know, neither of those guys went on to professional basketball, so it didn't matter for anybody. No. One of their names was Daniel.

I won't even say his last name. He was the school bully. Oh. He was really ruined. Well, he's probably dead. I mean, if you don't make it into the NBA, I don't know. We haven't heard from him since, so... Did you play any sports growing up?

I played basketball. I was on the junior... Against everyone's advice. Unfortunately, no one gave me any advice about this. I was on the junior jazz in Utah. My parents... I don't know what was going on. It was very apparent from minute one I was not a basketball player. They let me do this for years.

I would have been thrilled for one of them to step in and say... Learn the piano. Learn an instrument. There was the piano, which I also just was actively fighting against, so I didn't learn that skill either. But if they had just stepped in and said, let's find something for you to do where you're not embarrassing yourself, I was the kid on the team that was like, let's get Bridger the ball so he can at least throw it once.

It was not good. I guess I was having a good time. I was on a very good team. Well, you were stupid. I was a very dumb little boy. You weren't aware of your surroundings. Something was going on. I was... a lot of assists.

Yes. I was resisting, giving the ball to men that I... or I guess at the time boys who I knew would be able to make a basket. That's right. Never scored a single point. You did. Humiliating. Oh.

I think I took one shot and it was from half court. Oh. So... Were you never made a basket? Yes. And how many years did you play? At least three, I want to say. Oh.

I mean, God bless the team for letting me stick around. Which is heartbreaking. That is truly... because as someone in my first years of playing basketball, I got to the point where I was pretty good. But in my first years, I didn't make many baskets. And it feels bad. Oh, yeah. It does not.

I mean, I guess I got to a point where I was like, well, I guess this just isn't part of my basketball experience. I'm more just somebody who's running up and down the court. That's right. I was probably three feet tall, mouthful of braces, just this disgusting little creature or my parents, I don't know what they were thinking, but maybe I don't know. Did they try to force you to play piano? Oh, they... I mean, they definitely took me to lessons every single week.

I don't know if forcing or not, but my piano teacher Carol tried her best. I played the Friends theme song at a recital. I think that was kind of the climax for me. And that's the only thing I can remember how to play on the piano. The first, like, do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. That's not what you want to be playing on the piano. Nobody, everyone's upset with you if you're playing that. That classic piano piece, I'll be there for you.

Did you take piano? No, I did not. My parents tried making both of my older sisters play. They both hated it, fought it, like, were so upset that they didn't try to make me play. And then I ended up playing drums. I took... Sure. That sounds like... I would have been a good drummer, I think.

I think so. Yeah. I feel like I've got a decent rhythm. Well, I always think of you as a... I think you could have been a frontman to a band. Well, you know, there's still... I've got seven decades left. Well, I don't know if... I don't know. There's...

I pick up the guitar now. By the time I'm 60, I'm ready to go. And everyone's excited to see you up there cheering you on the way your parents did... Well, you're running up and on the basketball court. I just need somebody to write and record the music. Yes. And then I need to be able to sing. And then someone else will dress you.

Yes. And then someone carries you on stage. If I were to just be kind of a manufactured, maybe secretly join BTS or something. Yes, that's right. Maybe I'm the leader of BTS at this point. And BTS, if you're listening, and I have to assume that you are. Of course. Every... All 400 of you.

I really would encourage you to consider Bridger as a bandmate. I think he has potential... Maybe even a friend. A friend? Or at least as a friend, he'll just be around. What does BTS stand for? It's not behind the scenes. It can't be. But that is what I think of every time.

I didn't even know they were banned for a while. Boys to sing. We need 50 boys to sing. Where are they? Where are those boys? I'm going to be destroyed by the BTS fanbates. You are. This episode, this podcast is going in the toilet.

I should just get my address out now before I get... Just give it up. Docs. Docs by millions of fans. Well, this t-shirt's amazing. At some point, should I put it on? Is that something I can wear now? Do you think it will fit?

I got you a small. Of course. A small is my size. Now, here's the thing. It does look fairly small. Is that going to be a sexual harassment thing if I take my shirt off and put it on right now? Not at all.

It's just that all the listeners will be jealous. Let's see it. I would love to see it on you. I'm going to ask everyone in the room. Is it okay if everybody close your eyes? Well, I'll close their eyes. Unless you don't look at me, that's also fine. Yes.

Bridger's been to Korean spots and he... Yeah. I bought this as a whole new body. Yes. Now, okay. I don't want to embarrass. Now, on the first spot, but if you're going to listen to this podcast, I think you should know, Bridger is a fit man.

He has abs and he looks great. Lovely. Okay. That's going to fit. This fits. Now... He probably needs one shrink. And that's good because it will shrink whether you like it or not.

It's immediately soft though, so that's great. It's good. I'm going to carry cramp on the back of my shirt. People are going to be so confused. Who is that jolly man in front of a salad bar? And obviously no pressure to wear it in public, but I think it works. This is something I'd love to wear in public. Because on the front, it's unassuming.

It just has something on the back. I need a little surprise. I'm going to take the sticker off. I feel a little ridiculous. This is still on me. Yeah. Oh, geez. This... I just want to tell the listeners that this company puts a terrible sticker

on their t-shirt. It feels confusing. And unnecessary from an online retailer. Custom Inc. If you're listening, that's something you could work on. Yeah, come on. Give me a break. Man, I have a game called Gift Master.

I'd like you to play. I need you to give me a number between two and ten because I love to count. And are you about to go count offscreen? Is this another rambling session? This is going to require a few... You're about to go... Stephen is going to earn his keep editing me counting. Stephen, leave these moments.

And I think this is what the viewers really want. Listeners are here. They're going to say different numbers. Okay. Mumble numbers. The number I will choose is four. Four. Okay.

I'll go into the calculating machine. You calculate. I'll talk. We'll see if it's worth keeping. And Stephen, feel free to edit this out. Let's see if I can think about... And this is... I don't know if this will be the first episode to air or not, but a little introduction to Bridger for those of you who don't know him.

This is a tiny man who is very strong, muscle-wise, and weak mentally, but he is smart, and funny, and a nice man overall, although honestly can be quite vicious, which is how he earned his nickname, Bridger Vinegar. Matt, the counting's been done. The gift master is about to... I'm about to push the button on the gift master. Let me give you the rules. I can't believe you've done this, but I can't believe we're here doing this. This is out of control.

This is how the game works. This is... We're going to judge how good of a gift giver you are. I'm going to give you three gifts, three things that you could possibly give, and I'm going to give you three names of celebrities, actors, this sort of thing. You're going to determine which of these people you're going to give each of the items. Does that make sense to you? I think it makes sense. Okay.

The gifts are a restaurant-grade blender, a leaf blower, and surgery. Wait, what kind of surgery? When you determine who you're giving it to, maybe you can decide. The people you have to give these to, Margo Martindale, famed character actress Margo Martindale. Okay. If you need to look her up, she's fantastic. Of course, you might have to because she's... I know that name, I'm just blanking on

for a moment. She blends into every role and just does a dynamite performance. The next person, the members of Heim, all three sisters. Okay. That's a triple gift. A triple gift. But it's only one gift. They have to split it.

Yeah. And then Elijah Wood, most recently seen in the Lord of the Rings. All right. So we have a leaf blower, a restaurant-grade blender, and surgery to Margo Martindale, Heim, and Elijah Wood. So let's start with Margo. What are you going to give Margo? Can you tell me a little bit about Margo?

Margo, she's just kind of been this character actress. She did a terrific job on the Americans most recently as kind of a diabolical Russian. But she kind of plays... She does it all. I don't know what to tell you. She can be maternal. She can be sadistic. I have her pulled up. I recognize her.

Oh, yes. She's in a short film. She's in the movie Paris Jettem, where she plays a character who goes on a little trip by herself to Paris. I want to say it's a Coen Brothers directed short. Everyone should look it up. It's heartbreaking. Do you know French?

Because your pronunciations have felt very genuine in there. No. Well, I took a lot of French and then I went to Paris with Jim, my boyfriend. And he harassed me the entire time about my pronunciation. But it's just because he thinks he does everything better than me. And I think I did an okay job. I think that's a foundation for a healthy relationship is when one person thinks they're fundamentally better than the other.

Okay. Margot Martin Dale will receive a leaf blower. Okay. Why? When I'm... I picture Margot... Now, it was a tough call. It was a tough call because when I picture Margot, I either picture... The blender was the other thing I was considering. But I ultimately gave her the leaf blower because she's no spring chicken anymore.

Sure. If you're doing yard work and you need to... You need to clean up. You don't want... I don't want Margot out there raking. Sure. Okay. I want to give her the power she deserves to do it simply and efficiently. Okay. Interesting.

See, for me, I probably would give Margot surgery. Just give certificate for surgery. Yes. Because she's a middle-aged woman, a middle-aged person. I feel like I'm headed towards endless surgery after 50. For somebody to pick up the bill on one of these surgeries, maybe she wants to get lasik eye surgery. Maybe she needs a new knee.

I feel like for me, I would... I mean, I'm not saying you're wrong. I think the leaf blower is an excellent gift for Margot. Yes. And she'd probably be thrilled. I feel like she's probably out in the yard a lot. That's what I'm picturing. I'm picturing her gardening. I'm picturing her in a beautifully... a picturesque house with a green front yard, and I want

her blowing leaves. And I mean, if she was doing that with 20-20 vision from my surgery, good grief, that's the way to go. Who knows what she could accomplish. Okay. So Margot and a leaf blower. Okay. You've got a restaurant-grade blender.

Yes. That's more than a home blender. That's going to be able to... You throw rocks in there, that's going to write them up. And then we've got surgery. That's right. And then we've got the Heim Sisters. Is that their last name?

I don't know. Yes, that is. Why is that so? Heim Sisters, if you're listening, reach out to me and let me know your last name. I'm not going to look it up. And then Elijah would. So for Heim Sisters, what are you giving them? The Heim Sisters are getting surgery.

Okay. So what sort of surgery are the Heim Sisters getting? I have trouble keeping them apart. I feel like if any of them showed up on my doorstep individually, I wouldn't know who they were. I would like for them to be sutured together. There we go. Become the Heim Sister.

That's exactly right. That way, no more confusion. There's the trio is together at all times. I feel like we're headed this way anyway. They're doing all these choreographed dances. Why not just become one person at this point? So it's surgery, but it's specifically... You can only use the gift card to get surgery to suture yourselves, your bodies together.

To become kind of a singing monster. I think it would work. I think I think I... It's a new hook. Unfortunately, I use mine on Margot, but I think you're making a good choice here. Thank you. And as a pop star, you have to learn to reinvent yourself. Of course. And all I'm saying is putting your bodies together and sewing them.

Well, and they're splitting the royalties right now. Why not have all of them go to one creature? That's exactly right. I like that. Okay. Well, I was going to say, give the gals a blender. Yes. It seemed like a party.

I feel like one of them's mixing drinks. Well, I have a reason to give the blender to Elijah. Oh. Well, then let's just get into it. Elijah. How tall would you say Elijah is? Well, probably 4'11". 4'11".

Elijah. Let's be honest. I'm worried about his, the amount of nutrition he is receiving. He is skeletal. I think Elijah needs a blender so he can make a dense nutritional smoothie for himself with protein and calcium supplements. Okay. Okay.

So that he does not hurt himself because I think he is headed. He's a waif. He's a waif. And Elijah, you need to start bulking up, buddy. Look, I've started making protein shakes at home. Yes. I can share a recipe. Elijah, reach out to me.

What kind of protein are you using? I'm using whey protein. Okay. It's like an, my brother knows these things and I reached out to him. He told me and I blindly agreed it's a chocolate flavored protein. Fun fact. I run a stand up comedy show in Los Angeles called Good Heroin at Stories Books and Café. Excellent show.

There's a man who comes regularly who's an ex cop. Okay. He shows up on his motorcycle. He's the oldest person who ever comes to Good Heroin. He's probably in his late 60s. All right. He has started making it a habit of giving me hemp protein. Oh.

About once a month he comes. This is made entirely out of hemp. Hemp protein. I haven't touched it yet. I haven't used it yet. Homemade? No. Well, I don't know.

I haven't asked him a ton of questions because I find it to be a little odd and if you're listening, he also, this is a man, he's an ex cop. He told me that I would make a great interrogator. Oh. Which I don't think I would. Interesting. I don't know why. I mean, I think you'd be like the good cop.

I could be the good cop. I think I like, I can, I could warm people up, but I don't think I could break people down. And this hemp protein is like bordering on lobster ravioli to me. It's like, something's going to happen. Yes. Yes. See, is it like in a bag?

It's just loose. He's just pulling it out of his pockets like sand. It just falls everywhere. I have to scoop it up. No, it's in a container and it is branded, so it seems fine. But I'm just, it's the only time in my life I've been given hemp protein by a stranger and so I'm a little wary of it. That happens to me.

CBD qualities? Is it just? Just straight hemp. I wonder. I don't even. I think I just don't know enough, but that feels like a weird. I should send it to Elijah, honestly, because he needs it. He needs a starter pack.

Yes. Get him a blender and some hemp protein and get some meat on that boy. Maybe you could, you know, we'll stop seeing him as a hobbit. Yes. Okay. Well, that's, look, I guess my final thing, I guess I'm giving all Elijah the leaf blower. But I feel like a few years ago I read that he had bought a house in Austin or something and, you know, he's got a property, he's got to blow some leaves around.

And, you know, by, by this time that Lord of the Rings money is run at, run, you know, he's been living big the entire time. He's out. Yeah. He's got to, he can't afford for somebody to blow the leaves. No. Or he could sell it on Craigslist. That's exact.

And now that's. He's desperate for cash. What was the last thing you sold on Craigslist? The last thing I sold on Craigslist, I tried to sell my bed, didn't work out. Your mattress? Months, the entire thing. I believe, isn't it illegal to sell your mattress? I'll give me a break.

People are selling their mattresses. If the feds want to bust my door down because I'm trying to sell a mattress, come get me. Blow my brains out. I tried to sell the bed, got a few nibbles, nobody wanted. It's a California king and I think I've told you this and I almost just want to use this platform to tell people the California king is not the bed you want. No, you want a king. You want a king.

California king sounds fancier and bigger. It's longer. Longer. Nobody needs a longer bed. I'm 6'4". I don't even need the light. Thank you. You should be the spokesperson.

I've been telling people. All I need is a matchbox. That's right. You should be on the floor. California king bed, I guess unless you have like, nobody sleeps straight, lying straight. Everybody. I mean, most people, I'm speaking now for everyone, but I think we're kind of literal. You're judgmental coming from you, I sleep in a corpse position at night.

Oh, okay, but you're on a king bed and you're fine? I'm fine. Okay, and then unless you're 7 feet tall, you don't need the California king. That's exactly right. And you want the width, especially if you have a partner. The width is a dream with a partner. You want the option to be close. You also want the option to abandon them in the night.

Yes. You want to forget that they even exist. You don't want to feel them. You don't want to touch them. Yes. You wake up the next day and you're like, oh, there was somebody else in the bed. Wonderful. I'm alarmed.

I had no idea. I was calling the police. Yeah, that's what I recently tried to sell and it didn't work out. But did you end up getting a new bed? No, I gave up. So that's that. I'm just sleeping on that bed and probably will until I move or something. Listeners, this is going to be an ongoing thing with Bridger and I would encourage you to badger

him. He doesn't spend money on himself and he deserves to have a bed that he likes. So please. You know, whatever. Please write in. Please. Any what he will slip up and tell you his address one day, I guarantee you that. And when he does, I want letters going to his house nonstop.

At some point, I'll get a new bed. But for now, I'm on the California King and suffer. All right. I'll let it go. Matt, we've come to the part of the podcast where we're going to try to help some listeners. Okay. Look, I could call this gift bag. You could.

But where it's a mail bag about gifts. Okay. Why not call it? I said no questions. Okay. Where I'm getting, I want, you know, listeners have written in asking me because I know a lot about gifts and just general advice, you know, I'm good at. People want to hear what they should give people for various things.

But you didn't want to do this segment. Of course I didn't. No. But I'm going to because. People wrote in. It's the first podcast and somehow there's that little bit of me that wants to help. And so we've gotten some letters and I'm going to read them and you're going to help me help others.

I'd be happy to. First up. Hi, Bridger. I have a hard time getting gifts for my wife. Before she buys anything, she spends hours online learning about the product, reading about every possible competitor and looking for the best deal. I'm more of an impulse buyer and worry that my gifts won't seem thoughtful enough. Can you give some advice?

Thank you. Jordan in Denton, Denton, Texas. I know about Denton. You're from Texas. I grew up in Texas. I have some real powerful insight here. I can help you, Jordan. I mean.

You have two options here in my opinion. One, you either completely submit to your wife and just get her things with the receipt knowing she will return it and get the things she wants. Sure. And that will just be the way it goes with you and you'll be sort of a boring couple and that's completely fine. That's fine. I mean, you can have other surprises.

The other option you can do is you have to go completely outside of the box of the type of she asked for a gift. You cannot get her that gift. You have to get her something completely original that she did not ask for. That way it's not something that she can shop around for. It's just purely something. Now, that's very difficult to do though. Something that is like something she would want but doesn't know that she wants.

Okay. Sure. I mean, the key word I see here is I'm more of an impulse buyer, which to me. That worries me. You know, okay, you've identified that about yourself. Yes. It's time to move on when you're buying gifts. Your wife has given you some very, excuse me, some very clear examples of how to buy

things. She's going too far in the other direction. Yes. Why not follow her lead and do a little research on your wife? Is this the way to go? Because I do, I found myself the other day, I was, I needed some new socks. I found myself typing into Google, best socks. Best socks.

This is what's happening to all of us. I've been best men's socks and I was suddenly looking at lists of socks and I felt a deep level of shame. But I mean, I did buy one of the top pairs of socks. Have you tried them? Yes. I love new socks. By the way, give me to yourself at any point, some new socks.

My sister signed me up for some sock club for a year. I'm still wearing them. Incredible. And I feel great in every pair. New socks, one of the best feelings you can experience. So, I do, I'm hesitant to tell him to just fully give in to this new culture we have of ratings and lists of bests, everything, but I understand where you're coming from. Let's just like move a little bit away from the impulse.

Let's just think of something, and I think a good gift is something that's maybe not that exciting, but is like a high quality version of something that the person wouldn't buy themselves. That's exactly right. Maybe it's just a shirt that she finds too expensive. That's right. It's an experience. Which for Bridget, no one pays for it.

It would be an $11 t-shirt. It would be an $11 t-shirt, probably $10, but an experience is another thing most people won't buy for themselves. That's exactly right. And even if it's not something they would want to do, it's a new thing, a memory you're buying them. That's right. So, maybe you look into that, Jordan.

Experiences are good. And I've read or I dreamt again, I can tell if I read or articles anymore, if they just kind of appear in my head as sort of a remnants of a vision of a past life. That's exactly right. But that people don't, that experiences are a much more valuable thing to have than an object. Yes. You have an object, it will lose its meaning very quickly.

An experience, it's a memory you'll have an experience with someone it'll create. It sort of shifts who you are as a person in a subtle way. Absolutely. Fully agreed. I've been looking into some experiences, maybe a whitewater rafting trip. Take your wife to Arkansas. She'll be shocked. Is Arkansas, how much of a drive from Denton?

That's, you're looking at, you're looking at I'd say 15 to 20 hour drive. Take the 20 hour drive to Arkansas. Just tell her, tell her you're going out to eat and then suddenly you're on an extremely long trip to a state that you have no interest in. And you don't pull over for five hours, so you're going to remember it. By the time she says, by the time you finally pull over, it's too late to turn back. Well into divorce proceedings. Yes.

Okay, moving on, hello, Bridger and I assume guest, they're probably talking about you. I would assume. I'd love recommendations for gifts for gardeners. Any insights into upcoming gardening trends would also be great. Thanks in advance, Elizabeth in Cornwall, we've got an international audience. And where? Cornwall, England. Oh, okay.

I actually have a great gift for a gardener. I mean, this feels, I hope it's good because I feel like Cornwall, I mean, the English are all about a garden. They love a garden. It's like, it's the garden country. That's kind of their main thing is taking over, taking over countries and just putting in a bunch of beautiful garden. And God bless them for doing it.

What are you thinking then? My girlfriend, Hillary, we recently moved to a place and there's a garden, there's a couple of garden plots there. Sure. She's begun gardening. And my mom, Peggy, who we'll, we'll, everybody on the pod knows, yes, Peggy, she sent for my girlfriend's birthday, a box of gardening stuff. Okay.

In that box, what I thought to be the most useful thing was a cushy pad that I believe you can buy. Oh, I see where this is headed. And so when you kneel down, you have a pad for your knees, your aging knees, Margo, which I think Margo. Well, she's got the leaf blower. She's not getting on her knees. And you gave her surgery.

Yeah. Maybe she has brand new knees. That's true. Peggy does, by the way, both of her knees, mechanical or whatever, they're both replaced. Peggy, if you're listening, I'm thrilled about your knees. Yes. This pad, I think it's a great gardening gift because, and I never would have thought of it, but you can save your jeans.

You're not, maybe then you're not messing up your jeans. Okay, sure. I hope that you're not worried. Why are you putting on your good jeans to garden? Well, you want to look stylish. That's true. You don't want to be shamed in front of other gardeners. So that's my, that's a gardening gift that I can recommend.

That's a good gardening gift. And she loves it. That's what I'm going to say. As someone who has killed every plant that's come into his apartment, I say get your gardening friend or whoever it is, a high-risk plant, something that they would never buy that could very well die, but it's a gamble for them because what if it doesn't die? They've got a plant that they never would have bought themselves. But I would argue that you're giving them just a stressful something that they're, you're

giving them something that they're going to witness die in front of them slowly over a long period. You're looking at this in the wrong way. I think you're saying, you're saying to the person, you're up for the challenge and your garden is ready to be new. You're in England. Everything survives. That's true.

I mean, if you're, you know, in Southern California in a north-facing apartment, that's right. Just prepare for it to die and enjoy it while it's. I have been over to Bridger's apartment and, but isn't there's one that's hung on, right? Look, I've recently found a plant that I think was designed to be in malls. Yes. That lives with truly no care. No water, no light. I can't remember what it's called.

I would love to be able to recommend it to people, but I think it's very good looking. And I also recently bought two rosemary bushes. I was at Home Depot the other night. Rosemary bushes. Rosemary bushes. They smell beautiful. You put these inside? No, these are outside.

Okay. These are out on my, whatever the thing is hanging on the outside of my apartment. Trellis? No, it's a patio or what do you call that, a balcony. What? Remind me what a trellis is. Trellis is like a fence. Yes.

It's like a thing for plants to grow on. Cut that out. Don't. I don't want the listeners to know that I didn't know what a trellis was. Matt is about to be canceled for not knowing what a trellis is. I promise myself by the end of this podcast, you would be canceled and I. That's a promise you made. Yes.

I said, lure him in and cancel him. Okay. Next up, dear Bridger, I have to get a gift for my brother-in-law. He hates, and now this person put things in quotes, he hates things. And one time when I got him a book about World War I, he wasn't as excited as I thought he'd be. Oh. Michelle in Los Angeles.

That's all the information we have. Yeah. This guy, so he doesn't like, he doesn't like material objects. Is that what's happening here? Or is he just a jerk? But also I'm just going to say right up front, Michelle, a World War I book, good lord. That's a real bummer. That's a chore.

Yeah, giving anybody a book is, you might as well. It's a risk. Oh yeah. You're giving them an assignment. Yeah. And you have to, it's happened to me before I found myself reading books that somebody gave me and I resented them for it. Of course.

But I've also enjoyed, it just, it's a high-risk gift. Yeah. You have to know everything about the person. To me, I mean, not to short change it, Michelle, but we've already talked about this. Give him an experience. He doesn't like things. White water rafting. White water rafting.

I don't know. I mean, that's an experience. I mean, that's the only one that's coming to mind. That's the kind of experience most people like. You kidnapped. Kidnapped. Kidnapped. Or a trip to Arkansas.

That's right. Which from Los Angeles is, you're adding a few more hours. Maybe you throw them in the trunk of your car. Okay. Take them white water rafting. That's two experiences in one. Oh, a white water, like halfway to Arkansas. Well, the first six experiences being kidnapped in a truck.

Yeah, of course. That's one that we've all wanted to enjoy. Michelle, give him an experience. Please stop giving people World War I books. That's all I can ask you. If you gave me one of those, I would go through the roof. I would go through the roof. I'd burn it in front of you.

I would. Absolutely. I would tear each page out and drop it into a fire. Okay. Final question. I think we've been very helpful here and hopefully we've got some sense into these idiots. Bridger.

And they didn't mention you, but I assume they also want advice from you. I need to get a gift for my sister who is almost 15 years younger than me. Okay. What do girls her age want? Well, first of all, this is from Craig and Leighton. Okay. Leighton, Utah. Okay.

Craig, we don't know how old you are. Craig, what are you a fourth? I think it's safe to assume you're any age. He's listening to a podcast. Yes. He's listening to a podcast. Okay. I'm going to guess he's not in his sixties.

He's not in his sixties. Let's say... Let's ballpark it. 38. 38. No, let's say 30. Let's say a cool 30. So we can talk about what tween or teens like.

So his parents made a mistake 15 years after. That feels like a huge gap. That's a big gap. That person is almost not your sibling. That's a new spouse or just a whoopsy-daisy that just... I would look at that person as like a... Is it a cousin? It's a cousin.

I think there should be like a legal thing if somebody is that far apart from you as a sibling. They're technically a cousin. I think so. Because they've been raised in a whole new world. This is a 15-year-old girl who has a brother who doesn't provide a lot of information. So that's... What sort of gift does she want?

Does she want an experience? Does she want a 20-hour car ride with her 15-year-old? I mean, her... 15 years old. What do teen girls like these days? Well, I recently... I have a friend who has a daughter around this age and I had a chance to speak with her. And I often, when I'm speaking to a person of this age, I'm just quizzing them.

I want to learn as much as possible. Of course. Show me a peek into whatever's happened now. What are you thinking about? Because I'm lost. First of all, she was an egomaniac. Didn't ask me a single question about myself. Well, that's a teenager.

Yeah. And I'm by far the more interesting person in the conversation. Of course. I had so much to offer her and she didn't want to hear any of it. She told... She liked SoundCloud. SoundCloud, okay. Not a gift.

I guess you can subscribe to it or something. Yeah, it might... I actually think SoundCloud is free. So maybe a concert. A concert experience. Okay, actually, a concert isn't a bad gift. It's a little bit of a risk because... Kind of an assignment.

You need a little... I did know you need to do some research on who she's in due. Yes. But getting her, depending on how much you want to spend, like if it was, let's say she's into Billie Eilish, okay? Okay. These days, I'm sure Billie Eilish tickets are going for a lot of money. That's at least $100.

That's at least $100. So that's not a bad gift to get her because it's something that she might not do herself, but she'll certainly enjoy it. Is she going to end up on drugs at the Billie Eilish concert? Listen, Bridget. I feel like that's Billie's brand. I think that's just what's happening. The team's got...

Whether she's at a Billie Eilish concert or not, I think this 15-year-old girl is doing drugs. She's probably on hard drugs. I'd recommend... Maybe she needs help. So maybe Billie Eilish concert or rehab. Okay. So maybe...

Or it's like... That could be the experience. Or you say, hey, get in the car. We're going to Billie. We're going to see Billie. Just kidding. We're going to rehab in Arkansas. Yeah.

So what's happening? And they do whitewater rafting. Yeah. Of course. I feel like that is a rehab experience. I think so. I don't know. For teens, that's something that would help them get off drugs.

Yeah. Okay. I think we've done a lot of good work here. You're welcome. If all else fails, buy a gift card, which I think have been kind of unfairly maligned in 26 years. I think so. I like getting a gift card.

I don't mind a gift card at all. But... I value them more than money. Yes. I'm not kidding. You give me a gift card. It's going to be probably a year before I actually use it because I'm thinking about what I should buy with it.

Because you have to make it count. Yeah. Now, if you get a gift card, let's say you get a $25 gift card to the Gap. The Gap. Yes. Sure. What would you then consider a more expensive t-shirt? At the Gap?

I mean, I can tell you right now, no, because the Gap makes boxy t-shirts. Oh. I would... At the Gap, I would get socks. Yes. A belt. That's right. A belt.

Maybe like a beanie. Yes. But then... I don't think I've ever seen you in a beanie. Well, no one ever will. The Gap, if... Again, if you're listening, corporations, the Gap, you need to narrow the t-shirts down a little bit.

It's a little like... Who is this for? I know. I don't know. It's the old Navy curse of just like, this is built for someone who is a rectangle or something. And listen, no offense to the people out there who are shaped like rectangles. Of course.

There's... I'm not trying to body-shame anybody. I mean, if you're a literal rectangle, actually, seek surgery. I would just... I would counsel you to know that you are loved despite what this maniac across from me is saying. If you're the rectangle-shaped person, there's going to be hell to pay. I'm going to give him a hug.

I don't know if I'll be able to reach all the way around, but okay. Because these rectangle freaks are out there. You are... You know who's canceled now. You come on your own by best. I'll cancel myself. All right. Bridger Weininger is canceled.

Matt. Bridger. God bless. God bless you. I'm in your t-shirt. I'm so cozy. An absolute honor. Yeah.

Well, of course, I'm doing it very natural. You've got topless on your first podcast. Yeah. People are thinking about my body in all kinds of ways on this podcast, and that's fine. Yeah. Well, I think that's the end of the show. I'm honored to be here, Bridger. I said no gifts.

You brought a gift, and we ended up talking about it, and so much more. This is how life goes. All right. Well, I hope you have a nice rest of your washing the dishes if you've been doing it for an hour and a half. Yes. You might have lost your mind. Put the dishes away right when it's done.

You'll feel better about yourself. Okay. I've got to eat dinner. I am very – I ate a blueberry muffin before I came, but it's wearing off. Oh, great. If I had a taco. All right. I Said No Gifts is an exactly right production.

It's engineered by Earth Angel Stephen Ray Morris. The theme song is by Miracle Worker Amy Mann. You can follow the show on Instagram and Twitter at I Said No Gifts. And if you have a question or need help getting a gift for someone in your life, email me at I Said No Gifts at gmail.com. Listen and subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever you found me. And why not leave a review while you're at it? So how did you dance with a baby?