My Therapist Ghosted Me - A Pheasant, A Flamingo & A Lobster

Episode Date: April 30, 2021

From the title alone, you can see that this weeks episode contains everything you could possibly need. Don't know what "The Debs" are? You will soon enough. Plus, find out how Vogue became a taxidermy expert and why Joanne is giving booze a break.Subscribe, enjoy and leave a review!If you'd like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.com

Welcome to My Therapist Ghosted Me with me, Joanne McNally, and all the way over there in Jersey, it's Vogue Williams. Yay! It's the podcast that works on the basis of hollering, I didn't know what that word was, I was going to say hollering, our issues into a microphone, even if we have to do it from either side of the English channel. I did not know I was on the other side of the English channel. Now I do. On this week's podcast, we talk about stuffed flamingos, jobs, debbs and more.

How is it? It's stunning. It's like being in a different world. I feel like I'm almost in Ireland. It's hot. It's sunny. Well, it's not hot. I mean, it's 12 degrees, but still that's hot. It's sunny and it's just really nice and relaxing. I'm glad to be here. Have you done any water activities? I did. I went swimming with the kids yesterday.

Nice. Went to the gym. We talk about how we, Joanne and I, we were so excited last week about our big day out on Friday. We went together. We went out for lunch on Friday and neither of us have recovered ever since. Oh my God, my anxiety is through the roof. I'm having night sweats from the alcohol. I swear I'm never doing it again. Honestly. honestly my theory on you is because you're so healthy that if your body even like smelt a teaspoon of cow ball it would just like like it would just rebel it like you can't put any toxins

in your body because your body is just like a like a vase of Evian water at all times whereas if I'm struggling that's a real sign that we did the dog on it because usually there's no consequences to my actions at all, which is why I go bananas because I never get hangovers. But because we did such the dog on it, honestly, my anxiety is like, I'm regretting things I did

at four years of age. Like I'm genuine. I'm wondering why I got a C in my maths junior, so why I didn't work harder. Like every single thing I've ever done in my life is running around in my mind.

It's horrific. I'm saging like it's going out of fashion. I'm listening to smooth jazz. Like it's next level anxiety. I have to say I'm happy about that because I called you on Saturday.

Honestly, I rang her about five or six times. I was like, what am I going to do? I just feel so awful. I feel so terrible. And she's like, oh, I'm Grant. I'm Grant. And I was like, what am I going to do? I just feel so awful. I feel so terrible. And she's like, oh, I'm Grant. I'm Grant.

And I was like, why is this happening to me? Why do I feel so terrible? And now you've joined me. Yeah, you were in a terrible way. Sometimes I think, though, if you're really in the horrors, that having kids is a good thing because you have to just get up

and like keep them alive. You can't just roll around and indulge your anxiety. Do you know what I mean? I'll tell you what happened. This is bad parenting number one. So Theodore had swimming on Saturday afternoon and I couldn't take him.

I was too hungover. I wasn't able to work the scooter. That's how bad I was on Saturday. How do you work? Do you not just put them on and push them? Listen, you heard me on Saturday. Do you think I'd be able to go on a scooter? No, you were close to the edge of life in fairness

and so Sven he had to take him to swimming and I was like oh god that means I've got shishi I lay on the floor with her

for the whole hour they were gone and I was like what can I what can I distract her with now I gave her so many crisps oh I mean

it was not a good parent yeah yeah yeah yeah so we're gonna stop drinking I think that we need to give it up for a month I know everyone says that but we mean it oh i'm never leaving the house again like that's it now like next time i leave the house with my own funeral i'll be wheeled out i'll be wheeled out of the house in a coffin and put into the back of an ambulance or a hearse i'm never leaving i'm

never going out again and i i stand by it i stand by it we paid for that pain through the feckin nose jesus vogue doesn't eat for cheap, I can tell you. Having rich friends is an absolute pain in the hell when the bill comes. You're like, oh yeah, that's grand. Sorry while I just nip off and try and sell a kidney. I'll be back in a minute. Oh, another glass of champagne, Vogue? Sure, work away.

Excuse me, excuse me. We all share the bottle of champagne and then you're the one who decides to get, I'm going to have, I'll have, I'll have a bit of rosé. Oh, and I'll have a cocktail. I had a margarita. Did I tell you at the time I made my mother a margarita

and she came in and she went, thanks a million, I loved that carbonara. There was another time, the best one was, she'll kill me for telling this story. She goes, gorgeous carbonara. I was like, what? I know for sure, like, I'm not that drunk. I know I didn't make you pasta. Like, I'm not that much in a blackout. We were watching Happy Feet and there's this scene, you know, with the penguins

or whatever. And then they were dancing and she was there to me. We'd taken a splash, as my friend Nancy would say, we'd taken a splash of wine. And she was like, I'm very impressed with that now. I think they're wearing like hats and everything. I was like, why? And she goes, how on earth did they teach them to do that? I was like, are you high?

She thought it was a documentary. Fucking cartoon. Oh no. Your poor mom. Moms do say really dumb stuff sometimes though, don't they? Not me.

No, I was going to say, I was going to say, are we including you in that? Okay, fine. Not me. So anyway was going to say I was going to say re-including you okay fine. So anyway yeah back to your rich friends you're the one that caused the damage on Friday

it's all your fault. It's all my fault I take full responsibility well I'm paying for it now emotionally I can tell you that much. I feel better already knowing that you're

now going through the pain. My friend Susan said the same thing because we went out on Thursday night and on Friday she was there to me how are you?

And I was like I'm actually grand. And she was like I hate you. She was like go home, start crying and film yourself crying and send it to me.

She's like that's the only way I'm going to feel better about this situation. I have such a tolerance for it. It's bananas. But like I say

that's it now. That's the end of that now I can tell you. That's the end. We've turned over New Leaf. We're only going to say it. We're going to train loads. You have to tell yourself

these things to make sure that they happen. I am wall to wall New Leaf. Like I am a full blown bush of New Leaf. So in my world of pain, actually, I let Theodore stay up till half seven one night

because I didn't see Jonathan Ross on Saturday because I was so hung over. I watched it on Sunday with Theodore. You were amazing on that. Did he wreck? He wrecked, of course he was.

He was like, Joanne! Oh, I love it! He says my name! I love it so much! But I loved it and you were in most of it. Like, he was talking to you so much. He loves you.

I like Jonathan. We get on very well. But I think we do. He's kind of iconic. He's in a full, like, head-to-toe leather suit like he's a he's a great man for the fashion in what sense he makes bold choices he makes bold choices yeah was he so sweaty no and I was when I was in vinyl disco leggings and I wasn't so the set was

actually quite cool because obviously they anticipated that Jonathan would be wearing some sort of leather suit. But it was so funny because I told the story about that bald lad that got me into stand-up. And I got in a lot of trouble. And by the way, boy George is bald.

Is he? Yeah, and he kept slagging on bald people. Oh my God, that's, I didn't know. No wonder he didn't follow me back on Instagram.

I was literally watching. Someone got to give me the heads up. The researcher had to tell me. I told him I was going to tell that

bull man story. Tell him, run us through because that was pretty epic. No, but I'm like just short story long or whatever that's saying.

Long story short. Long story short. Heavy weekend, heavy weekend. I'm like, a rolling stone gathers an early bird. Basically,

whatever, got dumped by a bald lab, was raging about it and then got all like, do you know you're bald? This conversation sounds like you think you've got a full head of hair.

Anyway, it was telling the story and the only abuse I got online. Now, I never go and search my name, or I wouldn't go and look at, like, the hat Jonathan Ross. I only see what I'm tagged in. Because for my mental health, I'm like, I'm not going down that sewer. Never. I don't search my name. No way.

No. Anyway, so I was getting a lot of abuse from the bald community. Well, in fairness now, there was only two tweets. One lad was like, this is a disgrace. If a man said that about a woman, I thought, oh, he's trying to reverse it. And one of them was like, anyway, I was like,

but a man didn't say it about a woman. A woman said it about a man. So it's grand. That's feminism. Fuck off. Anyway, I just wrote back, I'm sorry, sir. Are you bald?

And he wrote something else. And I said, because you sound bald. And then I blocked him. And then the only other, and also because on the show, I said that I'm deeply attracted to hooligans, which, as we all know, is true.

I love that kind of chavvy look. Everybody is. I know, aren't they? Everybody is. And a woman messaged me saying, or tweeted at me going that I was glamorizing domestic violence against women. I was like, what a fucking leap.

It's not like I went out and said, do you know what I think is gas? Getting the shit kicked out of you by your husband. I literally like, what a fucking leap. It's not like I went out and said, do you know what I think is gas? Getting the shit kicked out of you by your husband. I literally said, I'm attracted to men who drive high-ace vans. Like, that's literally all I said. Honest to God. What did Boy George tweet you?

Nothing. He was like, we were just kind of chatting. We were getting really well. So I added him on the gram and I was like, oh my God, we're like best mates now. Hey, George. Georgie B BG

he is Google is boy George bald he's the most bald man ever and you slagged him to his face

no well in fairness right at the other side of it is at this stage of my life it was an old story he looks great for it

and what I will say now is I'm at a stage of my life now where I have to accept bald men no more than I have to accept men with children, men with ex-wives. That's where I am now.

Baggage, baggage, baggage. I love a skinhead. I'm actually attracted to men who kind of look like fascists. That's kind of true. You have a weird taste in men. I just, at this stage, I'd fucking take a wheelie bin.

A wheelie bin and a pair of nightgowns, Max. I'd be like, come on, let's go. Let's crack the seal on this bad boy. Spenny was saying something there the other day about if he had set up a dating app before he broke up and he'd hide the fact that we have kids. I don't think I'd get away with that. What do you mean? I don't understand.

I understand why he would hide it, but there's no point hiding it. You kind of need to know. You need to know straight out if you're going to be a stepmom or not. And also, like I say, at this stage in my career, in my relationship career, I'm not going to throw some lad out because he's got kids. Sure, what can I do? To be honest, it's kind of weirder at this stage if they don't have kids. Why don't you have kids? What are you, some sort of fuck boy? That's one of the terms the young kids use. It's like me trying to go on TikTok.

And then you wouldn't have to get pregnant. You could have like a pre-made family. Perfect. Exactly. Benny's basically bald everywhere except his head. That's amazing though. That's what I want. Like a kind of a smooth, like a dolphin body. No, I mean, he

is quite hairy. It was like he was never born. No, I mean, he is quite hairy. Like, it was like he was never born. He was knitted. He's so hairy. And he hates having all that hair, but I love it. And he just gets rid of all of it. You should see the fucking chair

when he's finished. Well, I'll tell you now, when one of my ex-boyfriends shaved his ass and he sat three inches lower on the chair, I was like, I can't believe he was literally risen

from the amount of hair in him. What's a nose in Irish? Schnoggin'. How many years did you learn Irish? No one ever learned. You don't really learn Irish though. Shrone. You do know what a shrone is what's a mouth

a mothan well you'd have to know what a mouth is the fucking size of yours I think it's the first thing I had to learn I was thinking because I was watching

you and Jonathan Ross and that got me thinking because he was saying you were talking about when he came and stayed with me and it's because you had to work for free all the time and that got me thinking because he was saying you were talking about when he came and stayed with me and it's because that you had to work for free all the time and it got me thinking about all the shit jobs that we've had to do in our time like I had to work well I wouldn't say it was a shit job but I worked on a building site for six months in London when I was doing my degree I was a site engineer and I was just so crap.

He sent me out to measure things I didn't know how to measure. They locked me in a digger one time. They used to try and bribe me with things like, we'll let you choose your own steel toe boots if you just go and do this. I was like the worst worker ever. Why did you end up in that world though? Is this from what you did in college? Yeah, to my degrees.

Yeah. I think it's too cold on a building site for me it was too cold I mean talk about a professional pivot you went from basically being a builder

on a site to now you're basically landed aristocracy now and you're in a quest area and you play polo at the weekends Spenny is so posh right

that he actually said to me he was like darling we should do polo lessons once a month together and I think Spenny is so posh right that he actually said to me he was like darling we should do polo lessons once a month together and I'm like you're like

imagine trying to live that down in a house no wait that's too far even for me he's got polo boots and everything

and he is one of the six I remember one of the first times I was in your house and you know the way he has that big he has that big bird that taxidermied stuffed bird I fucking hate that bird

I read it really fast and I thought it said it said the first pheasant I shot but I genuinely thought it said the first peasant I shot and I was like oh my god this is what posh English people do

they go around and shoot peasants. The peasants in the freezer. And then they gifted them a pheasant to mark the death of the peasants. So funny. I hate that pheasant. And he's like, darling, that's not my first pheasant. And I'm like, oh my God, why couldn't it have been something small that you shot first? You're dragging a deer through the

door it's the first frog oh yeah okay you can stuff the frog we've room for the frog oh my god you know what recently i should have actually asked you this because i'm after i've lost it now i can't get it anymore basically i was in this house for a shoot and they had a stuffed flamingo i swear it and i was like what i was like how did you get that flamingo i was like you're not going to do that. And he was like, if a flamingo dies of natural causes, like in a zoo or something, a taxidermist will take the flamingo

and like stuff it. So I knew a taxidermist because I got a lobster that you've seen downstairs. Yeah. We have a lobster and she had to fix it for us because it came from St. Bart's.

And anyway, she was like, she told me she had a flamingo. Sorry, can I just say, this is, like I know I slag a flamingo. Sorry, can I just say, this is, I know I slag you, but this is saying that you had a lobster

stuffed by a taxi tourist flown in from Singapore. It's the most ludicrous thing you've ever said. Oh my god You probably flew it first class It didn't have its own seat And everything It's a fucking stuffed lobster And it's huge

It wasn't stuffed It's not stuffed It's been like scraped out Spenny still gets amazing Birthday presents Off his parents That was a present that was

great I've seen that thing it's the size of a nine-year-old child in fairness it's spread out that's not how big the lobster is

anyway back to the flamingo so the same girl she's emailed me on Instagram a while ago and she's like I've come across

a flamingo I was like what she's like yeah there was a flamingo from a flock in Birmingham zoo or something and it's died and they've offered it to me and I was like ah like if it's dead like is it battered and I was like what does it look like I don't want some battered old looking flamingo and she sent me a few pictures and she was like I was like can I have a picture she's like like dead or alive I don't know I was like, can I have a picture?

And she's like, like dead or alive? I was like, I don't know. And then she sent me a picture of the flock. I just wanted to make sure it was pink enough. But like, imagine, like you're like, you're right. What's the point of getting it stuffed if it's got like tire marks all over it and stuff because it got like ran over. Oh my God.

That makes me suspicious because if they're selling them, if a flamingo dies, if natural, they're not even going to try and resuscitate that thing. So the flamingo comes along. I had to pay for it up front

and it wasn't bloody cheap. And then I just thought, you know what? That one, the flock could look like that. It could be the ugly duckling. I don't want it in case. And then I asked her

to send me a picture when it's done haven't seen him yet I'll be raging if he's stunning so how has it taken you this long to tell me that you've paid

to have a flamingo stuffed and flown to Battersea I didn't pay I didn't pay I didn't get the flamingo on the end I'll probably be able

to get you a good deal on it if you want but are you not going to take it I think if I have a lobster and a flamingo it's a bit too much. I don't know.

I actually think a stuffed flamingo would be pretty. People have very mixed feelings on taxidermies. Like it used to be considered kind of the hobby of the rich but now loads of people are getting things.

Like would you get a purse and stuff? That's what I want to know. Have you never seen that they do in like Brazil and stuff? They get the person's body, right? I think I saw it. Yeah, and say they like going motorcycling they'll stick its body yeah onto a motorcycle and in a big glass casket and dress it all up and have it like smiling no I hate dead bodies so much I'm gonna do that to you and then charge people to come and like stroke your hair

I'm gonna I'm gonna get you stuffed doing a squat in a gym or i'm gonna get you stuffed that's what i'm gonna do in her natural habitat in her natural habitat yeah with an elastic band around your knees before i had kids i thought when when he died probably get him stuffed but only his head because i just his body's not great sorry winnie's body's in great shape it's his mind i worry about That dog is depressed out of his mind. He just looks miserable all the time. He is like, he's living the best life of any dog. Got four beds or something in our house. I know.

He's taken for three walks a day. But would you not, I can't, if you go to the trouble of stuffing a flamingo you've never met, would you not just go the whole hog and stuff the body of the dog you love rather than just cutting off the head and sticking it on the wall? Why not just turn him into a key ring and give him to the kids? He's not getting stuff. What I would like to do when I die, if I die,

that I would like to have a wake and I get laid out, right? And because the body's really cold, I'd like people to leave their wine. So I'll have my legs spread out really far and ice put in between the legs. So I want like, my coffin will have to have like, it'll have to go spread out like a scissors at the end

and then people, I'm like, they'll say their last goodbye, say a little prayer and take a cool Chardonnay from the inside of my legs. I don't want a Chardonnay that's dead.

Oh, what? You want your wine at room temperature? Don't come to my fucking funeral. I want to be used as an ice cube. Ham sandwiches on the torso, wine on the legs.

Oh, disgusting. I don't even want to know about coffins. I don't like talking about that stuff. Okay, well we'll cremate you real fast. I'm gonna, no, because I still have to go in the coffin. Yeah, we'll just fuck you out into the garden then. Yeah, I'll just stay in the garden. Grand. But anyway. Back to the podcast.

Oh yeah, so my jobs okay so I've quit two jobs both from shame one was I was working in a bar in Dorky

and I was the worst bar woman I just couldn't pull a pint I just couldn't do it right and they'd be all froth and this

I remember the first dad was like he's like fucking hell I asked for a pint not an ice cream I was basically just serving

knickerbocker glories these old men all day I might as well have stuck a cherry in the pint of Smith because it was it was just all head I was like he's like fucking hell I asked for a pint not an ice cream I was basically just serving knickerbocker glories these old men all day I might as well have stuck a cherry in the pint of smith because it was just all head I was like

would you not just have a wine for fuck's sake have a wine so I quit that job because I asked for an extra shift and your mom was like

to be honest I'd rather have no one on than have you on and I was like okay I should probably go and the second one which was really embarrassing

I was working in a coffee shop in Deliri and the boss saw me eating a potato out of the bin. So we used to scrape all the food into the bin. Now, Vogue, eating out of the bin. I eat from the bin.

Yeah, exactly. I knew you were going to say, I just didn't, I knew you ate from the bin. So I was like, don't leave me hanging here, you bitch. I know you eat from the bin too. Because as I've always said, the bin is just a bowl with a bag in it. I've always said it. I've always said it. If you get bowl with a bag in it. I've always said it. I've always said it. If you get in there in time,

there is no difference. It's like a smorgasbord. If you're working in a restaurant as well, when I used to be a waitress in Scotland, we'd no money. So people wouldn't eat

their whole steak and we'd be like, weirdos. 100%. I know. Another job that I, I worked in a Chinese takeaway. Like taking the orders in over the phone.

And every night I would take home like about 24 chicken balls and eat them in bed like olives. And couldn't understand why at the end of the summer I could wear nothing but a muumiu. Like couldn't understand if there was consequences

to eating 24 chicken balls a day. Okay, here are some of, of my call outs, right? So I asked people on Instagram what were their worst jobs. I worked as a chalet girl waitressing in cleaning rooms. Some people were pretty disgusting. I went to make a child's bed

and they had peed in it and left it. I would have stripped the sheets. We were always so hungover. We used to drink the soft drinks the guests would leave chilling on the windowsill and spray their expensive perfume on it. Oh yeah.

That's like, yeah, you're allowed to do stuff like that. That's grand. That's not even bad. No. I liked this one. I had to sit in a factory conveyor belt line and pick out bad peanuts. I got hardly any and the other woman

and the other woman on the line did not speak in English and clearly hated me and my crapness. I fucked off at lunchtime. I'm sure I wasn't missed. Do you ever get fired? I'm trying to think if I ever got fired. I think that guy's saying

I'd rather have no one on than you on. I think that was getting fired. That's kind of fired. And I did ask the construction side, I asked Rebelle, who was my boss,

I said, would you ever give me a job at the end? And he just was like, no, but I think you're a really nice person. That's nice. That's all I care about.

You did your favour. Imagine you could be still stuck on the sites. Oh, hang on. One more, Joanne, one more. Right. Because we've been there. I walked up and down Grafton Street dressed as a builder holding a sign for build your own burgers at college.

Spence's friend, do you remember him? Who literally, as I was about to take my brow off, went, I just don't think we've got any chemistry. And I said, well, it's a bit fucking late now, mate.

Okay, I've never been an Oscars person. Did you absorb that information or were you too high in your jersey sky? No, I was, of course, checking out all the fashion at the Oscars. I kind of like it because, you know, it's where I gauge what movies I'm going to watch.

I just think it's so up its own. Do you know what it is, right? I've never had any interest in the Oscars. Like, I'm not into that kind of glam life and of all the parties I've ever seen those celebrity parties the Oscars looks like shit crack oh I mean but you'd go to have a look at everyone surely of course I go but I also feel really sorry for actors like and I'm not going to name names right but just say you're like a really amazing stage actor who's a bit older

or you're not one of these kind of hot, young, tit-bobbing, cyborg-style actresses. And then you're all getting compared on the red carpet and all. I'd be like, oh my God, I feel like shit. And also, they all just kind of sit around for hours and hours and hours and hours and hours. And this year was even worse because they didn't have that orchestra that plays

to get you to shut up. You know, they start banging on about Syria and then they play the orchestra because everyone's like, yeah, you're an actor, no, okay, okay. And they didn't have it this year.

And I was like, that orchestra would be great to just bring around in life, just play people off. Wouldn't it? They're just, shut up. If you get a switch

and you just start pointing at somebody and be like, I'm trying to switch you off, shut up. The other point about the Oscars was this year, there was a kind of a scandal

because they expected this guy, Chadwick Bosman, I think I'm pronouncing that correct. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Very sadly died. I think he won the Golden Globe for Ma Rainey's Black Bottom

and they thought that he was going to win Best Actor. And they do it out of respect. I can't pronounce what it's called when you get an award after you've died. I call it post hummus, but it's called

posthumous. Yes. They thought he was going to get the, he thought he was going to get the post hummus award and then Anthony Hopkins got it and everyone was like, it's a disgrace and I'm not being bad.

Is Anthony Hopkins dead? No. Oh. News just in no Anthony is alive but I'm not being bad and I say this

out of love but he's 83 everyone's like oh Chadwick should have gotten it because he died and that's so tragic I'm not being bad

Anthony's 83 he's almost dead at least give him the award that he can enjoy how do you ship an Oscar to Wales by the way you didn't even go to the event.

That's how shit the Oscars is. Anthony Hopkins is bored of them. He's like, no thanks. I think he did deserve it, but the other fella probably did too. But I quite like the glam of it. He's so diplomatic. It's like Mean Girls

when they break the crown. Do you know when they break the crown and give them all a bit? That's what they should have done. I'm that girl. No, I like the glam of it. I like seeing what people are wearing. I like seeing who's going to show up.

I like hearing all the goss after. It's like that other thing, the Met Ball. I live the glam of it. I like seeing what people are wearing. I like seeing who's going to show up. I like hearing all the goss after. It's like that other thing, the Met Ball. Like, I live for stuff like that. I love it so much. And I would go to the Oscars, and I would go to the Met Ball, but I will probably never get invited. So I'll keep watching from the sidelines. I don't really know if we're Met Ball material.

Excuse me? Speak for yourself. Oh, come on. So basically, that was what I was thinking I was remembering back to my last glam event and then it got me thinking about

the Debs right so the Debs to anyone listening not from Ireland is it's our debutante

ball which I mean calling it a ball is I mean it's it's a stretch it's more than a stretch it's a flapping gaping, it's a stretch. Desperate. It's more than a stretch.

It's a flapping, gaping wound. It's our last school. When we, before the Leaving Cert, after the Leaving Cert? It's after the Leaving Cert. After, yeah. Everyone puts on gooners gowns, floor-length ball gowns, and it's absolute carnage. It's carnage in a suit or carnage in a plastic crown,

whatever you want to call it. It's carnage. So anyway, I did a little shout crown, whatever you want to call it. It's carnage. So anyway, I did a little shout out on my Insta. So I was like, oh, the Debs. God, I love the Debs. I wonder if there was any funny Debs stories.

I literally, there was steam coming out of the fan. The amount of Debs stories. I mean, I read. No, tell us yours first. I want to hear yours first. Oh, yeah. So my Debs stories were kind of tame actually my own devs

I was a bigger girl back then so there was no crack and pick in the dress I just had to kind of it was like you know when Julia Roberts goes into that shop

and they're like we've nothing to suit you here it was a bit like me they were like we've one dress here for you and they handed me this black sack that someone had just like

sprayed a bit of glitter on so I just put that on so there was no real fun in getting dressed up and then my date that I bought was just a friend and he was like

unconscious within 20 minutes of getting there and I think he he got kicked out for bringing cans in I can't remember anyway

another Debs I went to which was quite scandalous I went with a friend of mine scored some lad all I remember is I went wearing a bra left with no bra. Oh, God.

But, I know, but one of my besties, she was there as well with her boyfriend. It was a boys' school. And we couldn't find him for a while. And we found him, well, I didn't find him. She found him scoring his French teacher. No. Yeah, right?

Now, we were completely shocked at the time. They ended up going out for a while him and the teacher but the amount of people sending me stories in saying that they scored their teacher or someone they knew

scored their teacher I know what yeah but a lot of young teachers like you'd have like young teachers and stuff that at the time

they might have only been like 20, 21, 22 actually in fairness we would have been about 18 then yeah I went to for my dabs right I was going out

with a boy and he was lovely actually I was going out with him though and I didn't actually want to be going out with him but I didn't break up with him yet so I invited my friend Reds and then my mum was so annoyed that I'd invited someone instead of my boyfriend that she made me cancel on Reds and then I had to bring the guy

who was my boyfriend and I ended up just getting absolutely pissed. Why wouldn't you want to bring your boyfriend? I didn't really the guy who was my boyfriend and I ended up just getting absolutely pissed. Why wouldn't you want to bring your boyfriend? I didn't really want him to be my boyfriend at the time but I hadn't built the courage to do the dumping yet.

Well, there was a lot of act going on as well but I'm going to read you some of the ones I got. Now, I honestly had to give up writing back to people because I just, I could not keep up

with them. By the way, there is nothing I love more than doing these call outs on Insta I was dying in bed laughing

at some of the ones I was getting they're hilarious they are just so funny so this is one at my Debs the lads got so fucked they tore your rhino

from the wall in the hotel and brought it into the dance floor we all thought it was hilarious and danced around for the night

now I posted that to my Insta story and I say I got about 50 messages going, what school is that? Because that happened at ours as well. So I don't know if all those people, there's like 51 people from the same class following me,

which seems unlikely, or it's like a thing. Oh yeah, here we go. Okay, she talks about how she asked, she bought this guy she didn't really know, blah, blah, blah. So it all was going fine until we got on the bus from the GIA club to the hotel

and he whipped out a pump and a pack of balloons. Proceeded to start making balloon animals for everyone, dogs, snakes, giraffes, whatever. He only stopped when a girl in my ear who was sitting about three rows behind us started freaking out and crying because she had a massive phobia of balloons. Got to the dinner,

he kept making balloons under the table despite my repeated requests for him to stop making animal balloons. He then had one bite, got unbelievably tipsy, went from the dinner to the nightclub, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Ended up having a great night. He was actually lovely,

but desperately trying to make my date stop making balloon animals was just not a feature of my dabs I ever envisioned. There was a nut. There was so many of them. You know, there were stories about a girl, she pissed herself, like she went under the table to take a piss.

There was one, a dab still been messed, we were saying they were pouring Smirnoff into their soup as the starter. There was another group of girls that they were pouring vodka into the sugar cubes and just eating the cubes directly. There was one girl said her friend vomited so badly she then laid down

and started doing vomit angels in it. Like in her own vomit. That's what the devs is like. I think the Oscars might be slightly better than the devs though. Come on.

I was pissing myself laughing to these things. A lot of it comes from inviting people you don't know that well and then it turns out they're a freak. So this girl saying she went to this guy's

Debs with him she didn't really know him he got more and more drunk at one point during the excruciating meal like he headed off to the bathroom where he stripped himself naked

and then came back to the table wrapped head to toe in toilet paper with his he'd cut out little eye holes for himself

and everything. See, I think he sounds like the croc. There was another girl, I can't find it. It was kind of a long one, but she actually sent me the photo. She says this was back in the day before we had like tanning mitts and you just basically like, we all looked like we were doing one of those, one of those, you know, when people smear shit on the wall. A dirty protest. A dirty protest, exactly.

We looked like a walking dirty protest. There was no, like, tanning mitt or, like, walk into the spray. Everything was the same colour. Everyone smelled like a wagon wheel and you just fucking ploughed it onto yourself. But anyway, this girl, God love her, really went to town on it

and she said it was so bad but she didn't really realise because this was back in the day you didn't take selfies that she was like the laughing stock of her school but she didn't come and everyone was trying

everyone was asking her to get photos taken with her and she just thought she was really popular it was because she was like such a God love her

Ron Seal Ron Seal thank Oh God. Ron Seal. Thank you to everyone who mailed me and sorry if I didn't get back to you. There was just so many of them, but they gave me a great laugh. So thank you.

I can't believe you get back to everyone. That's so good of you. I don't. I just said sorry. I'm sorry to people I didn't get back to. Do you remember for April Fools I kept trying to pressure you into covering Theodore in fake tan

and saying you'd brought out a baby range and she just wouldn't do it and I was like please do it Baby Bear by Vogue I hated the pale colour of my son's skin so I decided to create something to combat it

Is your child embarrassingly translucent? Baby bear by Vogue. For anyone who wasn't listening last week, we kind of demanded a spoofer jingle from Joe. And he has made one, which we have not heard. But he keeps telling me it's absolutely horrific and awful and terrible and the worst thing

that's ever happened to the world. So let's hear it. Okay, this is a segment we call Spoofer of the Week. Spoofer of the Week. That's actually really good. I actually,

I think that's really good. It's so bad but I love it. No, I think it's really good. I think it's really good. It's so bad, but I love it. No, I think it's really good. I think it's really catchy. It's up there with the pennies. Got a hell of a lot of things for Christmas.

Things for Christmas. A lot for the family. No, that's really good, Jo. Well done. Pulled it out of the bag. Gotcha talent. So this week's spoofer is, oh yeah,

so I was saying, I think James Corden is a little bit controversial. I think, do you know what? Once I met James Corden actually at the Brits parties. Go on. And he was actually think you know what once i met james corden actually at the brits parties go on he was actually you know he was i was about to have a little bitch about him there before i remembered that when i actually met him in real life he was actually quite nice but he seems like

he doesn't have the best reputation yeah i feel like things piss him off quite easily yeah you have to remember that you're lucky and that you're in a nice position and all the people that got you there and you can't... But do you know what? It's a testimony hole. I know, but do you know what as well?

In his defence, and he does have quite a bad reputation in the industry for being hard to work with and stuff, but at the same time, I mean, you can't spend your whole life going, I'm so blessed, I'm so blessed. Maybe sometimes you just need to be a bit of a dick to get shit done

Joanne said staring Jo right in the eye but the one thing I will say about him is like he's obviously worked hard for his career and he probably likes to have things done a certain way and that's the way that they're done and then people are like oh he's so whingy but actually he just wants it done a certain way

Victoria Wood apparently had a reputation for being very difficult to work with. But as she said herself, she was like, I'm just someone who knows how one thing's done. And I'm a big fan of Victoria Wood.

Rest in peace, Victoria. Anyway, so this story is a very James Corden story. James Corden's cringe confrontation with Snapper, who was actually looking at Leonardo DiCaprio.

So James is on a beach, sunning himself. He's recognised in America now, but this was kind of before Leonardo DiCaprio. So James is on a beach sunning himself. He's recognized in America now, but this was kind of before he was really big. And he was getting his photo taken. There was this snap, snap, snap, snap, snap. And he went up to the person and he said, look, buddy, I think you've got your photo now.

And your man's like, what? Here are you. And he's like, come on, buddy. You've got your photos. And he's like, no, man. Leonardo DiCaprio's standing behind you. Cringe bags. Now, of course, he's like no man leonardo dicaprio's standing behind you cringe bags now of course he's all out of the place but it reminded me of a time that i was in the bank i think i was on republica telly carver water was down and um i was getting slightly like recognized very rarely

you know what i mean like very rarely but you're always at that stage you're like what do you say you're like you don't be they're like because it's always like do i know you it always at that stage. You're like, what do you say? You're like, you don't want to be, they're like, because it's always like, do I know you? It's always that. It's never, oh my God, I know you. Anyway, I was in the bank

and this girl was like, do I know you? And I said, do you know what? I'm just going to fucking own it now. I'm in the biz now. You just have to, you just have to go,

yeah, do you know what? I'm on Republic of Italy. And she's like, no, no, no, no, no. Were you not in a row to talk? I was the year below you. Oh no.

I know. So from now on, I'll just go, if anyone goes, do I know you on I'll just go if anyone goes do I know you I'll just go nope no no no

I've done that though like oh I just I was telling you that yesterday standing in my son's nursery queue and I'm just looking and somebody's walking towards the queue waving

and I'm like woo hi even though I don't really know all of them and then they walk right by me to a parent about like three parents

in front of me and you're like oh god that's so embarrassing whenever I hear the story about waving I remember reading somewhere was it a meme

going around or something in a magazine I can't remember anyway this girl said this guy was going down on her and he looked up at her and she didn't know what to do so she just waved

hey hiya still here still conscious consent consent hi oh my god you know the way because I told that still here still conscious consent consent hi oh my god

you know the way because I told that Fanny Shop story do you know I'm basically now the face of Kegels so I'm getting sent all these free I'm getting

I'm contacted online by all these pelvic floor companies saying thanks a mil for raising awareness about shit pelvic floors and then

Maria from Mummy M.O.T. was on to me the other day saying, I've been gifted free Kegels. Stop. You need to get those Pellviva tampon things. I'm Grant.

My vagina's Grant. Let's get those floppy flops sorted. I now need a little wheelbarrow to drag them around the beach don't go out there without your little wheels now come on you'll be dragging in the sand

you know the deal by now there's no way we're going to tell you everything that goes on in our minds without you doing your part. If you've got something you'd like to share with us, you can email it to hello at mtgmpod.com.

It's a public form of therapy that we don't guarantee will make you feel better, but it might. Here's today's email. My boyfriend and I were talking the other night about how worldly we've been. That's my new term for basically being a bit of a slut yeah

how worldly we've both been the final tally suggested that he's been more worldly but allowing for male inflation I'm pretty sure he was talking shite this girl knows her stuff as he was showing his workings

he described one girl he'd been with at uni as probably the hottest girl he'd ever been with once he realised girl he'd been with at uni as probably the hottest girl he'd ever been with. Once he realised what he'd said, he scrabbled around for phrases like, you know I think you're gorgeous and what we have is far more special.

As it goes, I'm not particularly bothered. I like this girl. We've been together for seven years and he's a stupid man child whose mind wanders off while his mouth carries on. I obviously made him sleep on the sofa that night though because he absolutely deserved it. Love the pod. Lizzie. I would have a breakdown. Like full blown. I'd be like straight jacketed into the asylum trying to, I'd be scraping his eyes out of his head. Give me your eyes, give me your fucking eyes. That's what I'd

be at. I'm actually grand with stuff like that unless I'm pregnant. And I like, once I get pregnant, I am like 50,000 times more jealous than I, because I'm pregnant and I like once I get pregnant I am like 50,000 times more jealous because I'm not jealous when I'm not pregnant and when I'm pregnant I'm like who are you talking there

your mom oh yeah and you said you get much hornier when you're pregnant which I thought was very interesting yeah that was a lunchtime topic Joanne lunchtime topic

yeah so she can't keep her pull out of herself when she's pregnant that's what she said to me no no Vogue huh too honest

pulling away at herself day in day out of herself when she's pregnant. That's what she said to me. No, no Vogue. Huh? Too honest? Porn away in herself day in, day out. Her paw. Her paw. That is so funny. Her little paw dug into herself day in and day out.

Oh my God. That is... There's more you could have said, so thank you. She draws a little moustache on it to spice things up. She gets bored of her own pole. That's all for this week. And remember, if you'd like to send us an email, you're more than welcome to.

Just send it to hello at mtgmpod.com. I have something to plug. Would you believe? Yay! I know, I haven't had anything to plug in a very long time. But I put on a third Vicar Street, which goes on,

which will be on sale when this comes out at Ticketmaster. So my two Vicar Street services were supposed to happen last April, our sell day. So we've moved them to April 2022 and we've added a third night. So the tickets are on sale now

and you can get them at Ticketmaster.com. Also, if you got this far, it would be really sound, no prash, but to leave us a rating and a five-star review. Bye.