My Therapist Ghosted Me - An Unprecedented Act of Chivalry

Episode Date: April 16, 2021

Find out what happened when Joanne slid into Wayne Lineker's DM's and why on earth she did it. Maybe it's something to do with the fact that she's getting herself out on the dating scene again... Or maybe not? There's a look at Khloé Kardashian's picture editing debacle, soft babies heads and even an arrest! Subscribe, enjoy and leave a review!If you'd like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail]

Welcome to My Therapist Ghosted Me with me, Bo Williams and Joanne McNally. This is the podcast that works on the basis of us telling you embarrassing, honest shit, hoping that it makes you feel less alone in the world and hoping it doesn't embarrass us in the end and come back to bite us in the ass. On this week's episode, we have bad photos, bad dates, and bad laser.

I have a slight obsession with Wayne Lineker. Do you? I do. Jamie Lange as well. We have a deal that this summer we're going to go to Ocean Beach. And I could not believe my ears when Joanne McNally told me that she had slid into Wayne Lineker's DMs. And after he posted that awful

post looking for a girlfriend, and it was the most misogynistic, awful thing. I don't think he realized what he had done. It was a joke. I don't know if it was a joke. It was a joke. Joanne, it was so outrageous that it did seem like a joke. It was definitely a joke. It was totally a joke. The reason I slipped into Wayne Lineker's DMs, firstly, it's not a physical sexual thing.

I mean, I don't mean to body shame him, but he looks like he's swallowed 60 macaroons. I don't understand how anyone's body is actually shaped like that. The reason I... But the worst thing about you slipping into Wayne Ingram's DMs is he didn't respond.

Didn't even respond. Well, I mean, I'm hardly Wayne's type now. But the reason I went into Wayne's DMs was because when he posted that thing, I just thought it was so funny

and he was getting so much shit that I wanted to support my friend Wayne. I do. I find, I do find him quite funny. I do. He's funny.

Wayne-o, I'm looking forward to seeing you at Ocean Beach. I don't know if we'll get in. We're probably too old now. We're probably too old. Oh, I'm definitely too old for Wayne. Like,

Wayne's wife isn't born yet. Like, she's in a womb somewhere. Yeah. Wayne will cut the cord of his own wife, I'd say. Do you know that men

can smell fertility? Did I tell you that? Smell fertility. They can smell it. And now that I've got about three menstrual cycles left before I'm barren, Darren,

my plan is to find a lad with long COVID who's lost his sense of smell and then just trick him. They cannot smell fertility. By just leaving tampons around the house. Like, oh my God,

I'm so embarrassed. Sorry, I didn't mean to leave them there. But actually, my insides are like dust. So actually, I did slide into someone's DMs on Twitter

and I went out with him for a while. What? Yes. Are we allowed to say who? No. Oh, folk. No way.

I played him. Oh, you'll know it's a him. Ooh. That's a big giveaway. I played him on my, you'll know it's a him. Ooh! That's a big giveaway. I played him on my radio show. I tweeted him, just asked him, and then he DM'd me. And it went from there.

Oh, but then you... Hold on now. That's not... You didn't slip into his DMs. He slipped into yours. Ah, well, I started... Excuse me. I put the first leaf out there.

Yeah, but that's a public thing. Have you ever slipped into anyone's actual DMs and been like, hey, daddy? No, but I'm more of a like, I don't, I'm more of a like, I'll follow them. Yeah. And I'll like pictures and wait. But that's enough for you to do.

I have to literally turn up to their house and get their attention. Like, I've added lads and then like been like, and like nothing. Do you know what though? I think that like, Tumbleweed. Even like when you add them and then you start talking to them what though? I think that like... Tumbleweeds.

Even like when you add them and then you start talking to them, some of them it's like, oh my God, you were so much better when I didn't know your personality. I've never had that opportunity. Oh no,

we're going to get you out there. Well, options are limited Joanne because you have been thrown off the one side I was interested in. She got flung off the Raya dating app, which is meant to be for like celebs. And Joanne got flung.

I loved when you were on that. Yeah. Now let's, just to clarify, we say celebrity dating app. I think it's fair to use that term very loosely. Like, you'd want to see. It's not just celebrities though.

It's like producers and stuff. On that show. Like if I kind of squirmed my way in are you not on it can we not see it I'm back on it now but the problem

what happened was I got so there's no point to me being on it okay I'm there up there like who

someone's on it like Cindy Crawford or someone's on it she's married someone huge is on it like Lily Allen was on it Rhea Ora

and I'm there with my little photos from Electric Picnic 2014 like being like hey but as a level right on it. Like Lily Allen was on it. Rhea Ora. And I'm there with my little photos from Electric Picnic 2014 like being like, hey! But as a level, right, is Rhea,

like, because I know you like Hinge. Which is better, Rhea or Hinge? What am I in Rhea? Say on a one to ten scale, I'm a scumbag on Rhea. No, no, no.

I refuse. I'm not even on the spectrum of sexual attraction. But you're actually really, you're really fussy. So Joanne wants to go out. We're going to go out and she's there

arranging a date with my other friend Becky telling me I'm not allowed to go because I'm married. Like she's such, because, oh, what,

the two of you go out? I can't like be there. I can go out while you single girls. Of course you can go. You're a mean girl. But you have to go home early to mind the kids.

No, I'm not going home early. The Raya thing was that the, oh, I got super excited home early. The Raya thing was that the, oh, I got super excited. I was going through, it was like just kind of celeb watching.

Yeah. And Lewis Hamilton was on it. He must have been paid to go on it, was he? On Raya? Why would you be paid to go on a date? I don't know.

No, he's on it, like. So I screen grabbed it and then this thing came up. Oh, stop. We've seen what you've done. If you do it again, we're going to kick you off. So then I did a chat show in Ireland

where I said, I tell that story. And then I think it was the star, someone ran a paper, Joanne McNally kicked off celebrity dating app for stalking Lewis Hamilton. No.

Yeah. Would you have liked to go there with Lewis Hamilton? No. I like older men, like, because then I look really attractive because they've got cataracts which is excellent.

Yeah and they won't dump you as quickly. Exactly. You've made me worried now. About what? Your fertility? No. No.

No. No. I've had eggs for days. No I don't have eggs. But the problem with it is is that because everyone's been un-groomed for a year now

so people now on the dating apps they want to Zoom call you to make sure that you haven't turned into a gargoyle in the interim. I'm coming. We're going out. I'm ready to take a man now. I'm ready. Sun's out. Buns out. Sun's out. Buns out. You look great. Thanks. You've done a great job of your tan today.

Thanks. We're going to go out. We're going to find you, man. We don't need the dating apps, especially because you're getting thrown off them but you know what I don't sometimes you said that you hate the start of dating I love the start of dating

somebody I'm kind of jealous that you have that it's so exciting first time you've sex with someone else it's like oh god always be drunk though

oh god it's like yeah go on just fucking lob it in oh Jesus lob it in Joanne we're gonna have to change your chat. The second,

I live, I am currently in a double bed, which is just outrageous because the other side hasn't been touched. It's just growing moss and like leaves. And like if I roll into it,

it's like rolling into an urn. There's just like dust coming off it. So I would like, I would like to share your bed. I would like to share the bed. Yeah. Do you know what's funny, right? If you were a male comic,

you'd have women throwing their knickers at you. They love it. It doesn't work the other way around. They know women are victims of funny men all the time. Funny, ugly men. Yeah.

It doesn't work the other way around. Men are not drawn... Do you know I've never had a single dick pic? And this is not a call out. But I've never had a single dick... Like, that's just weird. Do you know what, though what though actually we were talking

about this the other night I never get mails off boys I know I'm married but still the occasional one never not one when I had Snapchat

it was like dick pic galore I remember one guy sent me a wanking video and I swear to god it lasted like I saw the whole thing unfold

it's not like I was going to stop watching there was like four of us watching at the time. But it was like from start to finish. Then he proceeded to send me different pictures of his willy in different angles. And I was like, you've got to give it to this guy. He's really going for it. Me and my dick at the market.

Yeah, it wasn't even a nice one. But you don't want them. I mean, look, you know, I don don't i'm not asking for dick pics i just think there's some disconnect between me and no one i don't my instagram account obviously doesn't say hey come on in no i mean no it doesn't it's got a hostile vibe yeah yeah i'd say men are frightened you're gonna talk about them on stage but to fair, you're actually very good about that. You never, like, I know we joke about things,

but you never actually like... No. The one story I did do on stage, which it didn't really work in the end because I was too pissed off, so it wasn't really that funny. Oh, there's two ones. The guy who had sex like a mute

and wouldn't say anything. Oh, no. With the wizard. Remember he took off his glasses and he had the little hedgehog eyes? He's in my stand-up and then the other guy who didn't go into the stand-up in the end I won't use his name so when I first got to London I was like I'm gonna have like a really kind of promiscuous date worldly as I like to say

so went and date with this guy and I genuinely was like I'm not massive into one night stands because my ego doesn't really allow for someone not to adore me the next day so I'm not really into that whole system, right? But anyway, I was like, this is what I'm going to do. Like, you know, I was waxed. I was good to go. I was ready, ready for the riding, ready for the riding. So went to the date with him.

We're getting on really well. He was, you know, not as attractive as his photos standard. I'm not either. Grant, we all accept that. You fucking are. I'm taking the piss on my dating apps now. Like I'm a full blown catfish at this stage and a shameless one at that.

Anyway, went on a date, getting on really well, blah, blah, blah. Scoring each other. He was like, I really like you. Let's do it again.

Blah, blah, blah. And I was like, yeah, sure. And then he's like, all right, listen, good night. And I was like, we'd obviously done like 90 shots. I was like,

sure, I'll come home with you. He was like, well, no, bearing in mind, one of the main reasons was A, I wanted to ride him, but B, I didn't know where I lived. I was very new to London.'ll come home with you. He was like, well, no, bearing in mind, one of the main reasons was, A, I wanted to ride him, but B, I didn't know where I lived. I was very new to London.

I didn't know the tube system. It felt just easier to go home with him. And I figure it out in the morning. Anyway, we're in the taxi and I remember him saying something to me like, well, at least I know you don't do this that often. Right. And I was like, oh my God, he's judging me.

I thought we were older now. Like we're in our thirties, like that we don't judge anymore. Anyway, we had sex. Literally with every thrust, he lost interest judging me. I thought we were older now. Like we're in our 30s. Like that we don't judge anymore. Anyway, we had sex. Literally with every thrust, he lost interest in me. I could see him dying behind the eyes.

It was awful. Then the next day, he hated me. He was on his phone. He just backed me. He was on his phone tapping away. How could you say, I wouldn't be able to stay the night with someone I didn't know.

Did you fall asleep and everything? Yeah, of course. Oh my God, no. The next day he's tapping away on the phone and I joke going, oh, are you back on Hinge? on hinge and he went no I'm just answering some emails and I was like oh my god so awkward anyway I was like I have to get out of here eject eject eject so I went here do you drive and he was like yeah and I said do you have a car and he was like yeah and then he realized what I was aiming at and he goes Joanne I'm not driving you anywhere. Oh my God. And I was like, oh,

and I said, what, what's that about? And he goes, oh, Joanne, I just think giving you a lift somewhere would be an unprecedented act of chivalry. And I just don't think I feel that way about you. Where do you find these people? Hinge! He wouldn't give you a lift home. An unprecedented act of chivalry. Oh my God. An unprecedented act

of chivalry. You were inside me five hours ago. I once had a guy right, this is well before Spencer, met him in America, Irish guy.

We'd gotten on very well and then in Ireland he came back. I met him and we went to a party at my house and then there was another party going on in another house and I was like come on we're gonna go to this

party and he's like no I'm not going so like I was like 18 and so I was like okay see you later you stay here because I wanted to go to the party I got back he was gone right and I was like oh fucking that worked out well he was gone so I got into bed and then I got up the next day popped on my pink Essex Essex yeah pink Essex with a green writing on the side and they were filled with ketchup filled with ketchup so not only those runners there's about four other pairs he'd use a whole tub of ketchup squeezed it into all of my shoes then he squeezed it into my toaster is that not the weirdest thing you've ever heard in your life? This is like something a 16-year-old girl does. That was the weirdest. Absolutely weird.

Imagine that, like absolutely weird. Because you left him behind. You didn't take him to a party. He was invited to the party and didn't want to go and I was like, okay, dude, you stay here.

But he was invited and didn't want to come. Oh my God. Rejection, rejection, rejection. So he sabotaged your assets in your toaster. Yeah, and sabotaged my toaster. Like, trying to get ketchup out of a toaster

forget about it the thing with the dating apps is people posting really old photos of themselves and so it's really hard to tell

but like one guy I was like can I get an up to date photo please he's like well you're standing in front of the

twin towers so I mean I'm no mathematical scientist I was like, well, you're standing in front of the Twin Towers. So, I mean, I'm no mathematical scientist, but I'm guessing that's an old one. I would like to talk about, obviously, the thing that everyone's been talking about, which is the Khloe Kardashian photo scandal. Oh, poor Khloe. Do scandal oh poor Khloe do you think

poor Khloe you explain it the thing that happened with Khloe K is who obviously heavily filters her photos

rah rah rah that there was a photo taken of her in a bikini she looks great it's a natural photo just there's no filter and no

face tuning and she hasn't like looks like she's been wearing a corset for three years and it somehow got leaked I think her

granny leaked it not intentionally but I think no I know I think it was her her granny's assistant or something like that her granny has an assistant

I know they've all got assistants for what I don't know wash her teeth and bring her a Zimmer frame I felt really bad for her because I know

that she's really upset and I think that she has been abused and bullied online for so long that's something that you're probably more used to than I am

it hasn't really happened to me yet thank God touch wood and that she's so insecure in her own body that then when this went out it was just a complete head fuck for her

and I think she gets trailed on a level that we'll never understand and I actually felt really sorry for her I felt really sorry for her but I posted about it and I can see the two sides

right loads of people were like, agree, agree, agree, because I was like, just like leave her alone. If I want to post a picture where I put a fucking alien on my head, it is nobody else's business if that's what I decide to do. Don't follow me if that's not what you want

to see. But then loads of parents were like, yeah, but what about our daughters looking at it? Chloe Kardashian is not there to educate other people's children. They all do it and they all heavily edit their pictures. And that's what they do. So if you're following them, you have to know that. And as well with anybody on Instagram, with different lighting, with the way you stand.

Like Instagram, it's not real. We all know it's not real. Why do we have to place Khloe Kardashian in this place where she has to do... If she doesn't want that picture up, take it down. And everyone's like, well, she's promoting things that would suggest, no, like she's promoting really stupid things like flat tummy teas and crap like that. And I hate that stuff. But like, she can't be like what everyone wants her to be like, you want her to be like this perfect looking person. And when she

doesn't look perfect, she just gets absolutely annihilated. What's the worst photo you've seen out there of yourself? And if you did, does it traumatise you or do you just shake it off? Because the thing that really shafted Chloe

was she made such a song and dance about the photo being out there. Had she just let it go, there wouldn't be all this furore. She was like, get it taken down, get it taken down. And then of course it went viral.

I should do that for my career. I should go around demanding every video up there. I'd be like, take it down down, get it taken down. And then, of course, it went viral. I should do that for my career. I should go around demanding every video up there. I'd be like, take it down! And then maybe I get affected by this drys and defect and be super duper famous. I don't fack it. Like, there's loads of pictures I wouldn't want to put up. But you know that one, that's the picture of our podcast group.

Yeah. Like, Fanny's like, you can't post that picture. It's so hideous. And I think it's so funny. I've got a green hue to my skin the hair is more so like Wurzel Gummidge the hair is very Wurzel Gummidge yeah like kind of blue streaks through it or something what was the reason for that so I did my first modeling job was I was doing a hair show for L'Oreal and it basically means they don't pay you but they

literally butcher your head. It took me weeks and months to grow that crap out and then I looked like MacGyver because I was like I know how to fix this. I'll shove in loads

of clip-in extensions and then I looked worse. Clip-in extensions! Remember the clip-ins? Yeah! You wouldn't have worn them. You have so much hair. No, I never wore them

but I do remember seeing like hearing them clip in and out of people's hairs. I used to go to sessions and like you'd be at the party and be like oh I'm done with these and I'd always go home and they'd be in my bag so I'd be just whipping them out anywhere I'd go so I remember recently because I kind of feel for Chloe like I remember back in the day like photos going up on back in the day they just lived in a shoebox under your bed no one ever saw them it didn't matter what you looked

like in them they were just for nostalgia and you'd take them out years later then remember everything Facebook came out blah blah blah but like I remember going around

asking people to take photos down of Bebo and she was like that's in bits take that down and they had like four followers so I could totally

understand how Chloe feels yeah it's the exact same just sweet Chloe but like it's so sad that like she looked so good and she still she looks good

I'm not going to say she doesn't look good but I can totally see the difference in her in that natural state I think people versus what she wants to represent herself

yeah but I think people want her to admit that she's had all this surgery done but then again here's my point it's none of your business she does not have to

like I mean come on I mean it's fucking obvious it's obvious of your business she does not have to like I mean come on I mean it's fucking obvious it's obvious but she doesn't have to go and write a whole like leaflet of this is the surgery

I've had done and this is what I've had done nobody she doesn't owe anybody that I guess what the deal with them is

they're so influential that to young ones like we spoke I really want to buy some of Kim's skins skims in fairness her skins what are her skims are her knickers yeah I buy some of Kim's skins, skims, in fairness. Her skins?

What are her skims? Are her knickers? Yeah, I want some of them. Are they not like a spank? Shape-y wear, but they're lovely.

But you've nothing to spank. Ah, no, they're not just spankies. Everyone has something to spank, by the way. It's not...

Joanne, listen, if you're wearing a ball gown, right, there's little ripples that everyone wants to spank. Those ripples on you are called abs

I don't know what the fuck you're talking about I don't like any like lumps and bumps we were talking about our cellulite yesterday honestly

when I see a woman with no cellulite I'm like I can't I want her dead I can't feel happy for her flip over her car get rid of her

I cannot feel happy for her and I want to be like oh no let's all be positive about this moment. But it's like, where the fuck is your cellulite? I know.

How is that possible? I know. When I broke my knee on the jump, somehow my cellulite like had, like I mean, multiplied by a million. And I went for this treatment.

This is how insane I was about getting rid of this cellulite. Instead of going for a run and just getting off my arse. I couldn't run though, in fairness. My knee was broken. And I went and I got this treatment.

And the treatment was I have to get 200 injections in each leg to try and get rid of the cellulite. I managed to get through three treatments and I was like, do you know what?

I physically can't handle this torturous pain anymore. And then when I started running, the cellulite went. You're under so much more scrutiny. Like you get like papped and all no one gives a shit

what I'm doing it's amazing like so I remember recently I did this spread which sounds very sexual but it was just kind of a

shoot yeah with a paper in Ireland and so I gave them because it was Corona we couldn't do a photo shoot so I gave them

all my new kind of head shots which were these like what I think were like very like well produced like Evan Doherty

shot them in Dublin they are fab yeah they were lovely photos and fucking bastards so basically there I was

oh my god there I am look there's the spread front page of the magazine open it up oh gorgeous there's the photos photos photos photos

turn to page three. Who is it? This model actor from Ireland called Nadia Ford. Oh, yeah. So they took a photo. The paper had it on file from years ago. It was at some event. It was actually before I was even in the industry. I was in PR at the time. I think I was literally there to pick up invitations. She was dressed like a real housewife, like full-blown ball gown, extensions, like fake eyelashes, spectacular. I was there in some sort of weird faux fur gilet. I looked like a squirrel.

She looked like she was going to the Oscars. I think I remember your gilet. Yeah, I looked like I was on my way to deliver a calf in a field. And I just happened, they obviously went, get in there with Nadia. And those wankers in that newspaper went, oh, look who's more interesting than Joanne.

Nadia Ford. Oh, we can use a photo here. Like, honestly, that's a photo that I would have said on a Bebo account, will you take that down? And there it was in the spread after all the photos I gave them.

So I totally understand Chloe. Je suis Chloe. I totally get it. I know, but like, you can't. Just sweet Chloe. I totally get it. I know but like you can't. She looked like she had 12 ring lights on me. I looked like a gargoyle

just like over her shoulder. I hate that. It was absolutely horrific. If you've got mates as well like Amber Amber's mad for this. She'll post a rotten picture of you.

Amber's my sister. Yeah Amber's my sister and she'll look stunning in it so I can see why she posted it for herself but then it's like what about me? I know, it's like when someone goes,

happy birthday to my best pal, Carol. And like, Carol's got like food on her face and like the person telling, person is like glammed up and everything. Oh, by the way, I wasn't invited to that same gig. No, you were not. No, I was not.

I still have not been allowed to go to... Do you know what? Shove your gigs up your arse. In any given week on the podcast, folk and I are going to tell stories and admit things that are embarrassing. And that's just not fair if you aren't going to do the exact same thing.

So you need to send us your problems, thoughts, dick moves and anything else to hello at mtgmpod.com. It's unlikely we'll be able to help and we don't guarantee that you'll feel any better for sharing with the world. But why not give it a go anyway? So here's an email we got.

I can't believe people are really writing in to us. I love that. I know, it's so cute. Dear Vogue and Joanne, I was reminded of this story after Joanne talked about Moomy MOT

and her head torch smear test last week. Head torch smear test last week. Head torch smear test. Jesus. I'm a 30 year old woman from a small town in Wales and as such what happened to me shouldn't be any surprise. Jesus. I was booked in for my

smear test a few months ago when my name was called at reception and I walked into the consultation room. The woman in front of me who'd been performing the procedure was someone I'd been at school with. I hadn't recognised her surname as she's now married

and practising under that name. I'd love to think she didn't recognise me and that's how I comforted myself as I lay back on the bed. What made it worse

is the fact that when we were in sixth form I'd had a little thing with her brother. The upshot is that now two siblings from the same family have seen my vagina.

She remained professional and the smear was absolutely fine but I still found it incredibly embarrassing. All the best, Alice. Oh, Alice, what a stinger. But at least the doctor can now update the brother

on any changes in the vagina since he's last seen it. Oh, God, I don't think anyone, I hope nobody looks that closely at your vagina. Have you ever had, I mean, you obviously have, do you know when you're getting laser on your... Oh, I have nobody looks that closely at your vagina. Have you ever had, I mean, you obviously have, do you know when you're getting laser on your...

Oh, I have to go in for a top up. It's so embarrassing. So you go in for your laser and like, I'm sorry, everyone has a hairy bum. They do. Let's just call it now. They do. Everyone, listen,

if you're listening, you've got a hairy bum hole. You do. You do. So you go in anyway and they're like... I mean, I'm really going to put this out. I'm trying to date. I know. Listen, I don't want... I mean, I'm really going to put this out. I'm trying to date. I know.

Listen, I don't want anyone... Listen, Joanne, you have a hairy bum. I actually don't, folk. You have a... I actually don't, folk. You have a hairy bum.

Stop shaking your little diamante finger at me and accusing me. Stop trying to cock block me with this hairy bum shit. Okay, Joanne's the only girl in the world. I've had laser.

You have to go in and they say, and just spread your bum cheeks and there is I'd take a smear any day of the week oh my god

100% but you know what else actually when I was giving birth and I know it's the like least time you should ever worry about your vagina

but anyway I was like oh god feels like a lot of pressure when I was in labour the midwife started I was like oh I'm just going to spend a quick penny.

And I went in. I nearly fell off. I nearly. Such an old woman. Where do you get these things from? There you are in your neon jumpsuit talking about spending a penny. It's just confusing. What does that even mean?

I was going to do a wee. Oh, crap. And I told the midwife, and I swear to God, I nearly fell off the toilet when I looked down and was presented with what used to be my vagina.

I was like, oh. And I actually went out to her and I was like, something's not right. And she's like, well, you're about to give birth. That's the baby's head there. I was like, please, God,

let it go back to normal. And it did. It spr go back to normal and it did sprung back to normal but I'll take a picture I'll take a picture the next time do you thank you do you know um I've seen your birth video yeah I showed you on my birth video I have a birth video did you like it I loved it it was it was actually quite beautiful yeah I always think it's funny that when the baby like obviously I don't have kids, pretty much established that but when the baby comes out, the head is really soft at the start so that it doesn't

form in the shape of whatever it comes out so you can like remold it real fast. Isn't that true that the baby's head is like played out when it comes out first? I don't really know. So like no, like your skull isn't fully formed together but like it's not like you can shape it into a triangle if you felt like it. I used to think it was like Mother Nature's way of letting you remold the face into the face of the man you've told it's not like you can shape it into a triangle if you felt like it. I used to think it was like Mother Nature's way

of letting you remel the face into the face of the man you've told it's their baby. If you're in a panic, you're like, John, give me a minute! You're trying to remelt it into John's face when actually it's Barry from Next Door's face. That's what I thought it was. No, you cannot do that.

Did you ever see the picture of Theodore when he was born? He had two heads, so he had to get suctioned out. Honestly, he had two heads. He had to hold the back of his head with both hands. And Benny sent the picture to my mom. And she got the picture at about four in the morning when he was born. And she couldn't go back to sleep

because she was like, oh Jesus, what's wrong with that child? So he had a double head for ages and ages. What do you mean a double head now? So basically he got sucked out because he was in a bit of trouble. So sometimes I suck him out. And because the head is so like formable,

it had sucked the head backwards and he had a double head. Luckily, it got fixed. But are you ready? And tell me if I've over exaggerated. Oh my God. I know. Double head.

I'd be like, that's one of those situations where you're like, oh, there's a twin in his brain with teeth and ears. Do you know when people don't happen to that? They're like,

oh, I got an x-ray at 50 for like cystic something. And my twin was in my stomach. That looks like it's in his head. I know. I know. I told's in his head. I know. I know. I told you. My God, he recovered.

I know. But then like I was thinking of people who think that their kids are so cute. You're so lucky. Imagine your mother calling you Vogue. Imagine you weren't attractive.

Like imagine how hard your life would have been if you were in bits and your name's Vogue. My only thing is imagine like imagine somebody coming over to see your baby

and you're like, oh look, it's Vogue. Like it doesn is, imagine like, imagine somebody coming over to see your baby and you're like, oh look, it's Vogue. Like, it doesn't match. Or, what about when I'm, go see Granny Vogue,

it doesn't match. No, I think it does if you stay hot, which you will. But if you weren't hot, it would be very unfortunate. You'd have to

change it to Lorraine. I did get face tightening treatment this week, thank God. I'm glad they're open. I'll be walking around. Imagine you with

like no teeth and like, I don't want to slag people with no to be walking around. Imagine you with like no teeth and like... I don't want to slag people with no teeth but you know, if you've got no teeth you should look at that. Somebody said something to me

about my robbing days because I have... I used to thief. I used to rob stuff. I never robbed makeup. Do you not remember everyone was robbing makeup from Miss Selfridge when they thief I used to rob stuff I never robbed makeup do you not remember everyone was robbing makeup from Miss Selfridge

when they were younger yeah of course everyone but I was too scared so I used to pay my mates to rob the makeup for me and then such a hustler

you were a hustler from day one but then I got you'd staff as a child that's insane then I got into robbing myself

but not till I was about 18 I used to steal off my dad all the time which is terrible but he was like a used car dealer so he always had a load of cash

beside his bed and I mean loads of cash and I'd literally just pop my hand around the corner of the door and I went on holidays once with the image

I robbed. Where'd you go on holidays? I want to know how much money you robbed. We went to Marbella but we had to stay in what's Ben and Medina so it wasn't great. Where did you go on holidays? I want to know how much money you wrote. We went to Marbella, but we had to stay in what's...

Ben and Medina. So it wasn't great. Listen, I got myself on holidays, didn't I? And I remember the last day of the holidays, we had no money left for me

and my friend. And we had to buy a packet of crisps. So we bought a giant bag of Lay's. And instead of getting water, which was... That was all the money we had. We got a two liter bottle of Coke. That's all we had for the day

until we were able to get home I cannot believe like my mother would be literally like there's a fiver gone from my wallet like my mother would notice anything gone and in fairness why wouldn't she? He never knew and now it's terrible now

God bless his soul Look it's your inheritance Jimmy that's what I keep saying to my mother It was coming my way anyway When my mother shops in Marks and Spencer unless it's got yellow stickers on it, I'm like, that's a bit much now. That's my inheritance.

You're blown. Hummus on a Wednesday? Get over yourself. Please, mother. I fucking love a Marks and Spencer. No, but I was talking about robbing. Yeah. And honestly,

when I thought about my robbing days, I actually, I got up to one time, this is my worst robbery. So we used to rob when we lived, we went on our J1 to America. It was terrible. I'm not, I'm not proud of it. I don't rob anymore.

So I robbed a three litre bottle of vodka. I got out of the supermarket. I was pissed at the storm, but I got it. I got it. That was the last thing I robbed. But then I was thinking to myself, if anyone's robbed,

like you look like a robber. Thank you. You do. What have you stolen? God, I mean, how long do you have um it started when i was about nine like we used to do all that stuff like i remember you'd be like you'd have like coming out of chemist with like lip glosses like shoved up every orifice of your body like pulling out lip balms out of your knickers on the 46a driving home from delirium but the biggest one was when I got arrested.

So, when I was, I say, riddled with bulimia, I was in a clinic and my mum picked me up to take me home. Oh, Joanne,

this story's so bad. Anyway, we stopped at a shopping centre in D'Lyrie and she was like, Joanne, run in there and get me a bottle

of Slimline Tonic. I'll never forget it, right? But this was the first time I've been like let loose since I've gone in as a patient. I was a day patient. So I went in and suddenly it was like, it was like a child being let out in a candy shop.

I was wearing this huge big parker and I just started robbing food. I was sticking baguettes up my sleeves. Tubs of ice cream. Like, I was like a zombie and I just walked out. I just walked out. I didn't even,

I wasn't even looking at the cameras. Didn't give a shit. It was like I was walking around my own kitchen, right? Just taking stuff, filling this giant parker with this food. And the security guard

follows me out. He goes, here, will you come back inside? And I went, yeah. And I was so calm about it. And he goes, do you know why I'm bringing you back in? I was like, yeah, because I've been robbing food. Oh, Joanne, oh my God. What age were you? I got arrested. But I remember we were back in the security place. I remember the security guard

pulling out all this stuff, looking for like the electronics. And it was just like cake. Oh, fuck. And he was like, where are the hair straighteners? Oh, no. Oh, my God. I never got arrested. No, I got full blown arrested. That's terrifying. Actually, I honestly have not robbed

in a long time. God, I couldn't be dealing with the stress. No, imagine the stress. I'd resent paying for stuff. Every, what? Yeah, I'm like, I'm not cheap.

Stop, we had the cheap topic. No, no, no, I don't think you're cheap at all. I don't like being done for money. I'll pay something, but not if it's overpriced.

Forget about it. Just forget about it. Like, you know in Ireland when you want to fly home and you fly home like a week before and book your flights,

it's like 400 euros. Like, dude, I'm not going to Dubai. I'm going to Dublin. Yeah, I'd paddle down. Fuck that. I've no pension. Just throwing that

out there. This is like a group. I've no pension. It's like your help. What? I've no pension just throwing that out there this is like a group I've no pension it's like your help what? I've no pension Spencer's your pension I'm Spencer's pension

thank you very much excuse me feminism no I've no pension we'll have to work till the day we die what would you be doing with yourself though

if we weren't working what would you be doing? chill chill out I said this to Spenny the other day I was like I was walking through

and our neighbour doesn't have kids and they're always sitting outside like reading the papers with a nice coffee on a Sunday and we walk out

Theodore fucking squealing on his bike waiting and then Gigi on the baby bure and I look up at them and I literally said to Spenny

I was like imagine imagine we didn't have kids we'd relax so often not that I'd relax I know what you're gonna say but it would be quite just a couple of days a week.

Whenever I was in Vogue's house, all she does is vacuum pack shit. So it's like she's vacuum packing. So it's seasonal. It's like vacuum packing the skiing gear, vacuum packing the summer gear. She's there with the hoover

and I was like, one day I'm going to come down and she'll vacuum pack the kids and not even notice. And it'll be Theodore's little face screaming out from inside a plastic bag. Sorry, Joanne certainly doesn't

vacuum pack her stuff. Joanne, right? She stayed in my house one time. This is, what, two years ago? When she first moved to London. She came and stayed in my house. I couldn't even have her bedroom door open. It was like she walked in and there was a spring in her suitcase and everything just flew all over the room. You are a...

No, you're not unclean. You're an untidy bitch. I am un... Do you know what I am? Untidy. That is all we've got time for this week. If you're after some shaky advice, you're riled up about something,

or if you've got a dick move to share, why not get in touch and send an email to hello at mtgmpod.com this microphone smells really weird oh no stop I've been touching it with my mouth

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