My Therapist Ghosted Me - Arsenic, Knighthoods & Sharknado 5

Episode Date: September 16, 2022

This week Vogue is severely hungover and nursing 4 different (soft) drinks. We're chatting Rasputin, getting a knighthood, Burning Man and Vogue reveals that she's a thespian.If you'd like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThank you!

This is a Global Player Original Podcast. Hello and welcome to My Therapist Goes To The Movie with me, I was going to say Joanne McNally and her, Vogue Williams. Joanne McNally and her Vogue Williams. Honestly, the severity of this hangover. I feel like I can't see properly. Are you ever that hungover that you can't see? Yeah, honestly, I can't.

My eyes aren't working properly. I currently have four drinks beside me. I mean, and I'm going to put it, I'm putting it down to one thing. I went to a play last night. I went to see Laura Whitmore in 222, A Ghost Story. Really good. Yeah, I want to see. I have to say.

Yeah. Really, really good. Such a twist that you wouldn't expect. It's just, it's a clever play. And she was fab. And your man, Matt Willis, was really, really good. But like, how am I this violently hung over after going to a play? Like, that was meant to be a wholesome night out.

This is the problem with people like you. You think you can dabble in booze every now and again and not feel the effects. The only way is you build up a tolerance. You build up a fucking tolerance. That's what you do. I was out with Spenny's mom. I wasn't expecting this. Yeah, well, I'm just saying I don't feel sorry for you.

You can't expect to drink one hard seltzer a year. And then when you hit it hard, not have consequences. I'll tell you what. And I'm putting it I don't feel sorry for you you can't expect to drink one hard seltzer a year and then when you hit it hard not have consequences I'll tell you what and I'm not putting it down to one thing whatever Prosecco they were selling in that place

that is what it is you buy cheap booze this is what you get the next day I thought it was a great deal too good a deal no that is that is actually true

the cheaper the booze the worse the hangover Jesus honestly that is true honestly you got to you got the worse the hangover Jesus honestly that is true honestly you got to you got to invest in yourself

you got to invest I didn't invest and now this is where I am now I woke up at half ten who am I it's like your man who poisoned himself for years

what was his name hold on I'm going to google it so I have his name I love when you come out with facts like this that I don't know like I'm learning

now I'm learning at least I've gained something from today also I'm in gym gear I've had a shower so I feel like I've achieved everything I'm going to achieve today Rasputin Rasputin this is you can apply the alcohol um kind of what would you say theory to this right Rasputin poisoned himself slowly over the years gently so that when someone he basically built an immunity to poison who was now what were they using back in the day what was the poison they all loved arsenic arsenic that's folk look boom five points arsenic right he used to inject himself i used to

take arsenic in small doses so that when they eventually tried to poison him with arsenic he had an immunity i've been doing that with alcohol for years. This is what you need to work on. If I lived within close distance of Putin, I too would start taking arsenic because I believe he would poison me. Rasputin, I never knew who he, who is he? Because I only know the song from Boney M. I don't even like, I just thought that was a word. It's a person. He was this holy man who was involved in the Russian Revolution. He was very good friends with the oligarchs, as you'd say. You know, the family that were killed. Oligarchs, yeah.

Yeah, and Anastasia, all that jazz. That's a brief history. That's the cliff notes. Oh my God. Do you know what? Spenny said this to me because I am such a bookworm and you can't take it away from me now. I'm a bookworm.

I finished two books last week and he said if you read like books of importance like about history and stuff like that he was like you would be so fucking clever in a year and he's right yeah but they're not as like let's face it sometimes you just want to read a book that just entertains you don't want to be learned about the Russian revolution do you know what I mean at 2 p.m and it's not like necessarily sometimes you just need a little bit of a page turner. Although the Russian Revolution, I have to say, is fast and learning. I have a book about Russia over there. I actually bought it maybe four or five years ago.

I'm going to read it. I'm going to do it. You can't read it now. Russia is dead to us. Yeah. I'm not reading it anymore. I don't care about the Russian Revolution anymore. No.

Imo and I have started a book club. Imo's recording the pod today by the way because Joe's a lazy bastard. He's been on holidays a couple of times this year now. He has.

That's too much. The only person who gets to go on 12 holidays a year is Vogue Williams and if anyone else even attempts to go on one we're not happy about it. Heads will roll.

Don't even dream about it. Excuse me. No, he's one of those people as well. He doesn't answer like text. He doesn't answer emails on holidays. Who are those people? My my brother does that I'm like that's not a life it is that's someone who's smart and knows the knows the importance of leisure time do you

know what I mean they realize they know the importance of completely she's talking about shutting down I can't I am I'm always on the emails but that's not a good thing I'm always on the emails it's not a good thing I'm always on the emails it's not a good thing like sometimes when I'm on two-week holiday it takes me the first week to properly on what to learn how to relax do you know what the only place in the world that you can go to where you'll relax after one day I found is the Maldives it was the one place I got there I was like there's literally nothing going on there's's nothing to do. There's nothing. So you just like relax. The only way I would really, really relax

is if I went somewhere with no Wi-Fi. That's the only way. And I would, obviously I would struggle and my body would start convulsing and I would start like, I don't know. That's not a life I want to live. Sweating urine out my body and some sort of panic attack.

But eventually, I'd have to accept what was going on and I think only then would I actually, would I relax. Do you know up in Glen Affric there's no phone signal at all? Is there not?

It's why I don't, it's why I don't go there very often. Spenny's parents have a place up there and there's only phone signal in the house and like if the, if the Wi-Fi goes, that's it. You're just like cut off from the whole world and like if the if the wifi goes that's it you're just like cut off

from the whole world they do have one of these things it's called a telephone I was going to say that actually they have a landline oh my god that is so gorgeous

the nostalgia just hit me in the face there that's some I talk about landlines a lot a weird amount actually I'd I'd like a landline

I think I'd love a landline they're like walkie talkies I'd love a landline imagine think I'd love a landline they're like walkie talkies I'd love a landline imagine the landline that was the thing you couldn't check

you just had to answer the landline whoever was on it you just had to deal with their shit for an hour because there was no getting away from them oh hideous

actually no I wouldn't like it for that very reason I wouldn't like it but I do like a danger answer so like when someone rings me and I don't know the number

I'm like I'm too nosy not to answer I regret it immediately because they're always trying to sell me something but like no I never answer because I'm too gullible too susceptible to scams so I can't answer any numbers I don't know or I'll give them all my I'll give them all my bank details they find them anyway I just got scammed recently I'm like how the hell did you do that well well done how did you do that how much did they take? They're like,

they're about 400 quid, but the bank gave it back to me quite quickly. It was through Airbnb. And I was like, I haven't used Airbnb in like donkey's years. The last time I used it, I booked, I'm not saying this has anything to do with that,

by the way, but I booked a room in Ukraine, obviously that I wasn't going to. Yes. Because, yeah, because then the people get the money. And he sent me so many nice messages back. I was like room in Ukraine, obviously that I wasn't going to. Yes. Because, yeah, because then the people get the money. And he sent me so many nice messages back. I was like, oh God, one day I will come and see you for real.

That's a really nice thing to do. Thank you. I am actually, I'm a nice person. I went to Ukraine and fought with guns. But anyway, you booked it there at B&B. Good for you. That was only because you fancied Zelensky. That's the only reason you went there.

You were trying to get in. I went to the war lines though. But no, you booked a B&B. Good for you. Good for you. I think the fact I'm calling it the war lines makes it very clear that I didn't go because I'm pretty sure that's not what it's called. The front line. Anyway, you know people don't like when we talk about politics or war

or anything, really. So Liz, trust. Do you know that Twitter account that I love following and you love following called Fasthell? Yeah. After sex,

I place a single tissue over my knob to make it look like a little ghost. I shout woo woo at my girlfriend and twitch it about. She says she's going

to leave me if I do it she says she's going to leave me if I do it again I'm going to do it again I got your drop of your new collab she accepted a gift I accepted a gift I told Lucy

not to give it to you what did she give you I said no Lucy not for her she gave me one tracksuit which I thought was a bit tight but anyway

actually it is a bit tight what colour what colour did she give you did I tell you the jumpsuit her she gave me one tracksuit which I thought was a bit tight but anyway actually it is a bit tight what colour did she give you did I tell you the jumpsuit doesn't fit me at the moment

I don't I'm not trying to body shine myself I'm just saying you can't drink white wine and crisps for a week and not have

consequences I've been gigging in jeans and a t-shirt because I got my jumpsuit I looked poured into it like Elvis

do you remember Elvis about two hours before he died in the toilet he was wearing that jumpsuit who let him out there like that? Honestly.

Someone could have said the same about me if I'd worn that pink jumpsuit on stage. Well, at least you had a word with yourself. You said, no, Joanne, the pink jumpsuit isn't going to happen. Not for you, babes. You know I can't wear jumpsuits anymore. I was literally, I was in, when I was in Arnott's to do the job last week, right? She was like, oh, look, you love a jumpsuit. I was like, not anymore.

I was like, Joanne owns jumpsuits now. I was like, I oh look you love a jumpsuit I was like not anymore I was like Joanne owns jumpsuits now I was like I can't even wear a jumpsuit I did feel sorry for you considering I stole it was your jumpsuit I was wearing

yeah they're like hey what's Joanne's they're like actually it's complete 100% mine when I had the cheek to wear my orange jumpsuit

and I put a picture and people were like why weren't you get your own style you loser I was like I was just reading the comments going People were like, why weren't you? Get your own style, you loser. I was like, I was just reading the comments going. I'll keep that.

Amber's now wearing jumpsuits. She didn't know how to dress like a lesbian because she is a lesbian. So she started taking style tips off you. Yeah, I think that's fair because Amber can be hit and miss with those floral maxis, which we know I have a physical aversion to. But anyway, respect. I was wearing a great floral maxi yesterday, I have to say. And I was adamant you weren't going to ruin it for me.

I thought of you. I said nothing. I said, leave this, leave her alone. Blind as a bat. I won't. Looks like she was dressed in the dark by a geriatric joanne i have to tell you right because i listen back to the pod joanne doesn't and to say amber and i were on the floor laughing at your demo dempsey impression it is it is one of the greatest things things it was a terrible day but that's not a

Demo Densy impression that's just but actually it kind of just turned into Demo Densy Demo's an interesting character very serious guy

I told you I used to fancy Demo I used to fancy Demo ah yeah you would it's the he's quite earnest now apparently he's grey croc in real life

I don't know but his stage persona is he's quite earnest he's, apparently he's great crack in real life. I don't know. But his stage persona is he's quite earnest. He's earnest. He's actually, he's quite, like, saying I haven't spent that much time with him. Have you spent, sorry folks, have you spent any time with him at all? Listen, I know I look like a loser,

but yes, I have been in the presence of Damo Dempsey on quite a few nights out, okay? What? As a friend? Yeah, as a friend. Years ago. Once people break through, break through what they actually think of me they're like she's not that bad actually she's all right I know this podcast has done wonders for your career as we as we know I try my best I try my very best um there was something I was gonna say oh yeah I love the idea of like

you and day my damsey because you don't you don't seem like you would be moving in the same circles but it's like Irish the showbiz scene is so small that it's like in one room you one damn Ryan Chobani yeah yeah

Damo Dempsey Twink Dustin the turkey anyway outside of round one get these references anyway they all live in a castle with Enya

once you get famous you'll go to the same house is Enya still going where is she I tell you now I honestly she is house. Is Enya still going? Where is she? I tell you now, she is still going, but I will say this. If and when she does pass away, which she might not because she is immortal, I want her to be replaced like Fungi. I don't want to know about it.

Yeah, I don't. By the way, I didn't know Fungi had died. No. Look, do you know who Fungi is? He's a battered old dolphin. He's battered. I know that about him. He's like, it's honestly, it's dolphin he's battered I know that about him he's like

it's honestly it's like he's been through a fucking shredder You'd want to be very careful because saying that's more controversial than you posting a picture of the Queen so

just shred very carefully there Joanne was like did you did you post a picture of the Queen? I was like have you not watched

The Crown? Like I wouldn't say I wouldn't say I'm a royalist as per but like I watched the crown and I thought this woman what a woman I'm like it's so funny me and Vogue have opposing views on this but um I was like Vogue I can't believe you post a picture of the queen on your Instagram grid like

it's quite the statement and I was like you know she's like why and I was like well considering like the history and colonization and colonialism and slavery. And then Bo goes, I loved her in The Crown. Listen, if anyone thinks my thoughts went any deeper than that, you're very wrong. I liked her in The Crown. She was fantastic. She knew how to dress. She was a great lady.

You want to see all the bits and bobs going on over here. I was watching TV last night and I was like, how much did they spend on those bloody uniforms? They look so expensive. Which uniforms, Niamh? So they have this, they're all guarding the coffin and they have these, like the fanciest uniforms I've ever seen in my life. They look like they must have cost an absolute fortune. And then I was thinking, do you think they have multiple pairs, like for like when they have to wash it? It's dry clean only, that's for sure.

Well, I've tried it. Dry clean only sounds better than it is. I was dry cleaning my jumpsuit. You dry cleaned? That's out of laziness because you didn't want to wash it.

Well, look, I have a stage manager in Vicar Street who takes, yeah, I'm just fucking ironing that thing every day. I've better things to do. No, definitely.

Do you wash that every day? You don't wash it every day, liar. No, every three days. Well, now that I've had Botox in the pits. I've had Botox in the pits, excuse you. Excuse you. Do you know, do you remember, obviously we were at EP, do you remember that dress I was wearing, the sequin dress? And I'm not a smelly person, right? But a festival will, you will get a scent, right? That you're not used to. Yeah, it's called being a human woman like I won't you can't be embarrassed about having bodily functions no you can't well anyway to say I

fucking reeked I reeked and then Karina who does styling for me texted me she was like Amy Huber wants to borrow Amy Huberman wants to borrow that dress and I was like well on her own head be it absolutely and there she was in the late late I was just thinking I'd say that really does not smell well.

On her own head, be it. Oh yeah, because my mum was like, did you see how many human vogelins are the same dress? But obviously I didn't realise she borrowed it off you. Yeah, she borrowed it. It probably crawled its way to her. It was so smelly. Come here.

So did you see the length? So the UK government are saying the queue to see the Queen is six hours. No, no, no, no, no. It's six hours at the moment because they've started queuing. It could be and will be and potentially will be up to 30 hours. 30 hours. So someone was like, is there a fast track? And they were like, yes, there there a fast track and they were like yes there is a fast track

for people with accessibility issues or other people who are struggling to cope and I was like well I'd be certainly struggling to cope I'd be straight up

struggling to cope struggling to cope I want to go to the front let me pass let me pass excuse me I'm struggling to cope there was a woman

right who had seven wristbands in Edinburgh seven so she queued up seven different times just went in a loop Struggling to cope. There was a woman, right, who had seven wristbands in Edinburgh. Seven. So she queued up seven different times, just went in a loop. She must have been going by like,

hiya, hiya. Like going by to see the coffin. It's a coffin. Look at it on TV. Oh, sorry. I didn't realise you meant it. Yeah. The BBC are doing a live stream. You know, I mean, look,

it's dodgy territory. I don't know how much of this you can use. It's not dodgy territory. If you've seen The Crown, look, it's dodgy, it's dodgy territory. I don't know how much of this you can use, but. It's not dodgy territory. If you've seen The Crown, you'll understand. I'm going to watch it again.

I'm going to watch The Crown again. And another thing that's fascinating about The Crown, never fancied Matt Smith before, but, because, he's not my type, but I really fancied him

in The Crown. Really fancied him. Matt Smith, I don't know him. Your man, what's his, your don't know him. Your man. What's his name? Your man, Matt Smith. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Your man, Matt Smith. Yeah, yeah. Amber saw him in Ibiza Airport on her way home. She's like, he's tiny. And Smitty was like, I don't think he is. And she was like, no, he's tiny. Like, he was up to my shoulder.

And we Googled it. He's nearly six foot. He's not tiny. We see sometimes when you see people on telly they have a kind of a big energy the amount of people I meet who were going to me oh my god

you're actually kind of tall because I think because you're so tall I think you make me look small I'm 5'10 did you see that picture of Emily Ratajkowski with Chrissy Turlington

and you're one who said her face got ruined by Linda Evangelista her face did not get ruined but anyway oh folk is dropping bombs today Vogue

what do you mean are you talking about because the front of the Vogue cover she looked great yeah but they had to strap her face back for anyone who doesn't know she was wearing no straps

and she looked good no Vogue she was wearing a headpiece because her face was strapped back and she was photoshopped to shit she sued CoolSculpting

for a million. Basically she got fat kind of lipo suctioned out of her face and it had the opposite effect and created fat cells in her face which she's had lipo suctioned out since loads of times and it just keeps coming back. Basically she says they completely botched her face. Absolutely

right. If you went for lipo and it did the opposite you'd be furious. It was some kind of freak glitch. Anyway, Emily Ratajkowski beside her looked like the smallest woman of all time. And it's just like, that's how I feel in pictures. Sometimes I find myself hunching. I've had to stop hunching. So I literally, I do this.

I have a special bend of the knee where I like literally just do a little bend because then I don't have to hunch, but I still look smaller. You are a royalist. Listen to you bend of the knee. What is this shit? You'll be getting knighted next. Have you seen the curtsy on me? Have you seen the curtsy on me?

I told you before if they want to knight me I will take it. Okay? I will bob geld off the shit out of that and I will take it. She says this shit to annoy me. She does.

She does. We know she does. Are you saying you this shit to annoy me. She does. She does. Are you saying you're going to turn down a knighting? A hundred percent I would turn down a knighthood. Well, I would just like to say it here. I am not turning down a knighthood. By the way, neither of us can be knighted. I can't imagine it's in the

mix. Like, I don't think we're in the mix for a knighting. Speak for yourself. Speak for yourself. Speak for yourself. Well you're practically you're like two rides away. You're like, I don't Say it, I'm a member of the royal family. You're a member of the royal family. I am a member

of the royal family. She's in line, Imo. She's in line. She's in line. Not for the throne but certainly for a well placed bench somewhere. Come on. Ring it in. Pull strings.

Be like, I'm Val fucking Williams. Huh? I can't believe that people... I'm in line for a royal bench. Excuse me. Out of my way. And this is my friend, Joanne. She's struggling to cope.

She's coming with me. We're going into fast track. She's struggling to cope with my political stance on things. So she's coming in the fast track with me. Ma'am, off we go. Siri just kicked in and said, hi Siri, are you gay? Did you hear this?

And I just said, I don't have a sexual orientation. orientation so my UK tour started how's it going where are you by the way where is this place well I'm currently

in Annesgarry but I did Chester Liverpool and Bristol Liverpool's a great place isn't it? Great place, it was one of my favourites

Yeah it was grey crack So it means I'm back to basically wanking over petrol stations because I'm just back on the road now And may I just say five stars to Gloucestershire services which Gloucestershire

Gloucestershire, I can't say it Gloucester, is it Gloucester? It's Gloucestershire Gloucestershire I can't say it Gloucester is it Gloucester? It's Gloucestershire it's a shire how does that make sense? like why does you spell it

like Gloucestershire? Emma what's the crack with that Gloucestershire? it doesn't make any sense people say Irish names don't make sense Gloucestershire Gloucestershire

anyway it's whatever hobbit territory to me where's your man from what's his name Robin Hood Sheringwood Forest is it? Sherwood Sherwood Forest Anyway, it's whatever hobbit territory to me. Where's your man from? What's his name? Robin Hood. Sheringwood Forest, is it?

Sherwood. Sherwood Forest. In Nottingham. Sherwood, yeah. In Nottingham, yeah. In Nottingham, yeah. Anyway, Gloucester Shire Services, five stars, right? The thing looks like Newgrange, okay? So it's got all this grass on the top

and it's all sustainable and environmental except for the fact that it's selling diesel out the back of it. But anyway, it's like a farm shop. So instead of like petrol station sandwiches, they sell like organic apples and, you know, falafel salads and blah, blah, blah. Anyway, so we were there for hours.

It was great. That was like the highlight of my week. But when I was staying in Chester, my agent who is, I will fire off the back of this, booked me into a hotel without a bar. Which is, you know, I've just started my tour. It's like booking Greta Thunberg on a long haul flight. It just shouldn't be done, right? No, it'd be like booking Greta Thunberg on a private flight. A private jet, yeah, and a Kardashian jet. I was like, everyone's going to

get fired for this. Everyone's getting fired. But anyway, so I was saying to Gerold, Gerold was with me, of course. And I was like, Geroad, come on, we have to get a drink somewhere before our last order. So we were like sprinting down the road. Anyway, the next day, I got a DM from this woman and she's like, Joanne, was that your show in Chester?

Blah, blah, blah. As we were driving off, we saw a woman being chased by a man down the road. We thought she was under attack. We turned around, we realized it was you being chased by a little gay man.

I was like, yeah, that was me sprinting for wine. How embarrassing. Gerold was like, I thought we were going to jog. He said, I broke a personal PB. Like if I'd done that run in the Olympics, they would have tested me for performance enhancers. That's how fast I ran because I had 20 minutes to get a large white wine. Humiliating, humiliating.

Oh God, that is too good. I would have loved to have seen that. In other news, guess who's in Ireland? You. Yes, but that's not who I meant. Who?

Lindsay Lohan. Shut up. She's back. She's back making a movie for Netflix called Irish Wish and she's looking for a body double. Well, not her,

the production company company I'm assuming so there's this big call out on all the Irish media channels to get a body double for Lindsay Lohan from the back so basically all the scenes

where she just wants to chain smoke out the back of her trailer doesn't want to be in so she'll do the face acting but she won't do the back acting so I was like

get me a part in this movie now I will pay to be in Irish Wish. There's not a single Irish actor in it. You can't be taking... I know.

So they're going to have all these weird Irish accents like they did in that Wild Mountain Time thing. And all of Ireland's going to kick off. Put me in it. It's like, P.S. I love you. It was so desperate, the accents in that. It was just, honestly, I couldn't believe that that was made into a movie.

It was so bad. It was like a French person had had a movie it was so bad it was like it was like a French person that had a stroke that's what they sounded like yeah it's really bad

Gerard what's his name Gerard Butler I always thought he'd be nice for you Gerard yeah well

yeah I know but he never really he wasn't really into it was he no we couldn't get it going but like

I just really got it going the rapport just wasn't report just wasn't there. Just wasn't there. Anyway. He gave up the booze so Joanne lost interest. But yeah,

so I kind of went down this Lindsay Lohan hole. Do you remember her show when she had that like that reality show? I'd love to watch that again actually. That's exactly what I'm going to do

with my day today. Firstly, I'm going to ring my agent day today firstly I'm going to ring my agent and be like can you do can you try and get me like I will just be

in the bar in the background I'm pissed I think Joanne it would be so good if you could do something like that I know

do you know what do you know I was once asked what I was asked to be in Sharknado 5 excuse me I swear to god

guess who gave up his time to do it instead? Who? Spenny. Sorry? Spenny is in Sharknado 5. He got crushed by a giant shark. That's how he met his demise.

He was a fisherman. I remember it was back in his drinking days. I don't think he'd slept very much and he was like dying a death and on the set of Sharknado 5. But he was like, I think it'd be quite cool to be involved in something like this. I was like, okay. No, I'm sorry. I would have been involved in Sharknado 1, 2, 3 or 4, but by the time they had 5, they're literally hiring the dregs. Like I'm not going to be an Irish Wish 5. I'll be an Irish Wish 1 or I won't be an Irish Wish at all.

That's my final say on that. Okay. Get me a name. And then I'll try and bond with Lindsay. five I'll be an Irish wish one or I won't be an Irish wish at all that's my that's my final say on that okay get me a name and then I'll try and bond with Lindsay so I'll be like cut cut I'll be like

oh Lindsay I've got my period you don't have a tampon do you that's what I do actually Lindsay gave me three I'll have to burn that bar still so I connect with her on like a female level and then we'd be friends

depending whether she's on the I don't know is she on the wagon off the wagon I don't know what her stance on the wagon is but if she wants to follow I'd nudge her off the wagon then Then take her row. I'd take over the

whole film. She's relapsed in Ireland. They were like, just pictures of me in the back red. How do you find out things like this? I don't understand. Like, where do you get your news from? It's all over the place. This, well, I mean, obviously everyone's talking about it. Do you know what I mean? Cause we're like, who's going to audition to be the, the arse of Lindsay Lohan? Actually, we've done a lot of arse work,se work Vogue we should probably apply I've been working on my arse I think I should do it I I think I could act from the back acting from the front I find hard but I reckon I could definitely back act I reckon Joanne I think that you should write you should write a tv show and you and I should be in it you can be the lead role fine but I want

to be the second lead role who wins all the awards. Sorry, well, knowing your trajectory, you'll probably be co-writing, co-written into Sharon Horgan's next film and I'll be fucking working on the catering, just giving food out to the cast. This is why I was thinking about it. She has a new show out. Amber was watching it.

Yeah, I know. I haven't watched it properly, but a lot of it is filmed in Hoth, by the way. Is it? Bad Sisters. Me and Amber are like, oh, there's Malahide. Oh, there's Hoth. Oh, that's the Abbey apparently it's great

yes but like do you know what would have been better had she one of us should have been in that big time Sharon's missing a massive trick there she's really let herself down

now unfortunately the show unfortunately the show was hugely successful well Joanne but she she hasn't won any awards she was lucky with that one now

Yeah She was lucky She got lucky Sharon Into the DM Sharon what What were you thinking babe Hi Sharon

Hashtag rude But like your show's okay But I'm just saying If I had been in it It would have been better I was reading then about Have you seen Mean Girls Have I seen Mean Girls

Obviously I know but Geroad Who I spend most of my time with Hasn't seen it I have I seen Mean Girls obviously I know but Geroge who I spend most of my time with hasn't seen it I thought he was a gay man I know he's terrible but he's

yeah he's just he says he'll watch it but it's do you know there's a Mean Girls day October 3rd so you know the way

when your man Aaron Samuels asks her what day it is she's like it's October 3rd there's a Mean Girls day and I was like oh my god imagine there was a ghosted day how fun would that be but just like women looting River Island girls going around in

Balenciaga shades on forklifts lifting ATM machines out of the wall I'll be like purged remember purged be like any man who's ever cheated just lowering like a steel what are they called am I those things that go down the front of a shop? Shutter. All men taken into. Taken into protective custody. For their own safety. Women fucking going around with rifles.

Gas. You need to make it happen. Start writing will you? Come on. My acting career needs to get going. I saw Laura Whitmore last night and I thought that's a bit of me I'll do that would you do an acting class I do an acting class I Joanne I went right I did a course in RADA over here in the summer it was a Shakespearean

based acting class I came over here for a month and did a month-long course in RADA yeah I did I was doing sword fighting and like what you didn't take that you didn't take the part in Sharknado 5 you idiot you're highly trained Spenny Spenny was like you're a crap actor and I was like why are you saying that he's like because I was crapping his clean co-ad sorry are you saying to me that you did a Shakespearean themed acting class in RADA and learned sword fighting, fencing, and you're only telling me this now? Have you told me this before? I don't think I have. I forget about some weird things that I do. I just got it into my head that I wanted to do it. I cannot believe you're a thespian. I'm a thespian. I'm a RADA alumni.

I don't know what RADA stands for actually anymore. What does it stand for? Royal Academy. Dramatic Arts? Of Dramatic Arts. Yes, I am a Thespian. More royalist behaviour. Do you learn to wave? Do you not remember I did a play in the, what's that place called? The Boardcash Theatre.. Remember I was an actor for a minute. No, I do not remember this at all. Oh my God. I'm actually only remembering it now. That's like me being like, oh my God, do you remember I was the lead in Love Actually? I totally forgot about that. Mad. So you are going to write, Joanne and I have some news.

We have a sitcom coming out. Joanne's writing it. It's about a girl from Hoth. It's called Good Sisters. That's what it's called, Sharon. Fucking watch your back. We'll show you, okay? Or Sharon, cast us, either way.

Oh, we'd rather you cast us because there's less work involved in that. Cast us, okay? You can make this easy for yourself, Sharon. You can make this hard for yourself. Okay. Either put us in something or we'll write something that will completely eclipse you. Because Vogue's been to RADA for a month now. And I did drama up to level eight when I was nine.

So Sharon, watch your back. Okay. That's all we're saying. I mean, if you're going to go out with a guy and he won't do a helicopter for you, forget it. Spenny does helicopters for me. I'm like, helicopter, helicopter. Is that what you call spicing it up in the bedroom here did you see everybody

right now that I've been to a festival and I loved it at Electric Picnic just one day though because I was exhausted the next day did you

like what's the crack with Burning Man what is the crack it's not I don't know you'd have to you'd have to do a deep dive with Burning Man. All I know is that

they barter. It's in a desert. But the outfits like, I look at people and I'm like imagine all the effort you have to put into your outfit. That's just like it's too much. It's like sexy, techno apocalyptic Mad Max

aliens like kind of bondage alien vibes yeah where do you buy shit like that where's the shop that's not a zara where do you go there's actually a shop on king's road that i i would say they all go to because that's all the shit they sell and i wondered what it was for it's obviously solely for the burning man but like i find i find it kind of creepy to be honest with the gas masks and all it's all a bit apocalyptic shit it's a bit end of world for me. I think it's too much for me. Like, I don't want to have to barter.

I just want to have my own bits and be able to buy my bits. And just like, I don't want to be dressing up like that every day. I'd go to a desert. We'd turn up, we would be dressed. Imagine you turning up to Burning Man in that dress you wore to EP. Me with a pair of denim hot shorts. Absolutely stinking. And a bikini top, thinking I'm really on brand.

That would be our festival wear. Yay. And everyone else was just looking like, so I find it fascinating though. When I see their outfits, I'm like for a second, I'm like, oh my God, you look so cool. And then I'm like too much effort. You've tried too hard. I think it's, but isn't it, it's such an Instagrammable event that I'd say a lot of people go like a lot of content creators you know those people but yeah and then they just set fire

to someone at the end that's what I heard yeah they do they set fire to a pyramid it'd be us they'd set fire to us they'd be like you with the fucking pink baseball cap

thinking you're living the dream you made no effort here we're setting fire to you bye you in the pink baseball cap your black sandals honestly I would wear I would wear wear my face my face won't burn because there's so much botox in it just kind of sizzles i actually know what i'm gonna wear

i would wear i would wear my green Hunza G My green Hunza G swimsuit And my new black cowboy boots I would wear my Hunter Wallys And my wax jacket Yeah my wax My barber wax jacket Oversized I'd wear a little sparkly bum bag

That I got from ASOS And yeah. Imagine the state of us at Coachella as well. A coin belt. That's what I'd wear. I'd wear a coin belt. Sexy. A coin belt. Can you imagine we showed up to Coachella as well? Like we just, like that space is not like, I know, I know where, I know where I stand. It's not for me. I would not be... We'd be pretty little things up to the max. Yeah, we'd be cycling around and be like,

I'm covered in petroleum jelly. Don't even try and set fire to me. It's not going to work. We'd be dressed in a fire blanket. You know those things because we feel constantly under track because we're not cool enough that they're going to set fire to us at the end.

One of those silver foil blankets as well, just as a cape. In case we get hypothermia, we're in the desert. No, it looks like a lot of work. Too much work. I'm not there for that. I can do a date. That's about it. Yeah. I'm like, I just want to drink vodka out of a hip flask. Do you know what I mean? It's not like a 23 year old. I'm never drinking again. What, because Sabian Blair is in the background. Eat a burger.

Go home. Like, you can't, there's no music at Burning Man. There is, because I know someone who DJed there.

Of course there's music. It's a festival. It's not a music festival. It's just, it's a music festival. It's not. It's an, it's an epiphany,

life affirming festival where they turn their back on commercialism and communism and like swap sheep for, I don't know, poutine or whatever. I don't know what goes on there. If David Guetta's not headlining, we're not going, okay? Yeah.

What do you mean Swedish House Mafia aren't playing? I'm here to see Calvin Harris, okay? To see Calvin Harris engaged. To who? To this presenter over here. Now, I know nothing about Calvin Harris, but he strikes me as boring.

We know nothing about anyone, but we like to form opinions anyway. I have never known anything about Calvin Harris, but yes, I do believe he's boring. I don't know why I get that. Why do you think he's boring? I think because I already owned a farm. And I just made an assumption.

I found some random facts, right? And I didn't want to put them in, but then I was like, these are great facts. Can I tell you? Oh yeah. So do you know what Barbie's real name is? Barbara.

Barbara Millicent Roberts. What? Yeah. Interesting. Do you want to hear the next fact? Yes. The Macarena. No, no, no. I have questions. Is that a double barrel? Is it Ken Millicent

and she just kept her surname? I don't know if her and Ken are married. I don't know if they're married. What's going on there? I don't know. Oh my God, are they fuck buddies? I think they are. There are no strings attached. Ken. They're no strings attached. Ken and Barb, you're no strings attached. That's modern.

I like it. I did find it fun though. But you know that song, one Macca two, of course you do, Macca three Macarena, four Macca five Macca six Macca, you know that song? Yes.

So the Macarena, Unfortunately I do, yes. is about a woman whose boyfriend is about to join the army. And when he's away has a threesome with his two

best mates what yeah one Macca two Macca three Macarena is this what

is this this sounds like an attempt like what comics do when they go to the Edinburgh Fringe to put meaning on something that has no meaning that's what this sounds like to me I think she just liked the words

they rhymed and now she's like in in the world that we're in at the moment she needs a sob story I think she's got his trombolese it's like that fact please he's got his trombolese yeah he's got his trombolese well I just thought it was interesting and I'm taking it. And the last thing, a woman in her 70s, 70s, well, she's only 70,

so she's just hit the 70s. She gave birth, becoming the oldest woman to give birth. That's the dream. Give birth and then die as you're down to raise it. Yeah, I suppose. That's a smart move. You don't want to be going through the newborn phase

as a 70-year-old woman. You give birth, so you've got a legacy yeah they'll mind you well no they won't be old enough to mind you is the problem when you're about to kick the bucket I know

is that not why people have children to mind them when they die toddler helping you up and down the stairs it's not going to work really is it yeah she did not think that through the husband is 75 Toddler helping you up and down the stairs It's not going to work really is it Yeah she didn't She did not think that through The husband is 75 And yeah they've been doing IVF

And she had a baby How long They must have been doing IVF for 60 years Like how long have they been doing IVF A long time They've been married for 54 years 54 years with the same man Well that's because she's bored now

She's like we need to spice it up Throw a baby in the mix Yeah we need to do something with ourselves Oh my god That's why I had babies so quick right So everyone's like we need to spice it up throw a baby in the mix yeah we need to do something with ourselves oh my god that's why I had babies so quick right so everyone's like oh they're really close in age

so I thought to myself I was like I want just in case I want to have four kids I don't want to be pregnant when I'm 40 because I'll be too tired

by then and then that's where I made the mistake I had kids too quickly in succession and now it's very difficult I'm 40 next year start making out like

I'm going to be a woman in my 80s. Covered in varicose veins and exhaustion. She said I couldn't even raise a child now look at me. Ready for the grave. 40 years of it. No energy. But that was my thought process. Too young or too old at 40.

No, no, no. There is something to be said though for having the energy to raise a child. I've seen what a nightmare it can be. Yeah. The thing is, when you wait to have kids, you see how hard it is because you watch all your friends raising kids. You basically have too much information. I want to gouge my eyes out. That is the problem.

Make an ignorant decision so I have no information. Like our parents generally, like our mothers and their mothers just had kids. They didn't think about it. They just banged them out. I don't imagine they wh't think about it they just banged them out I don't imagine they whinged about it either listen I'm telling you now

back in the day when mothers had a breakdown they went into the toilet and cried into a sponge shook it off and came back to the kitchen and got on with it but I will say

we raised ourselves come on let's be honest did you ever go home before six o'clock no you were thrown out onto the road and you came home at six

I'm pretty sure I was left hanging off the door for hours do you know those things they put in they just bang you off the door on a rope on a bungee cord

I was in or do you remember the seats they put you in with the wheels they were like little UFOs you drive them around you were basically raising yourself

you did we raised ourselves so actually like when I think about how hard my mom was I actually forgot that she did nothing she did absolutely nothing.

I was outside playing on the road until at least six. I dragged myself up. Yeah, you certainly did. If my mother walked in here now, I wouldn't even recognize her. That's the truth. Wouldn't even recognize her. Any woman could pull up that front of the house

and say, get in, and to her mother, I'd get in. Wouldn't even recognize her. Never saw her. She worked the cheek of her. Yeah, so mom, thanks for nothing. Okay? Thanks for nothing. I saw, saw oh my god so i was flying back um i went to dublin this week for a day um and i was flying back and i think i saw a couple breaking up in the airport love it give me give me the scoop they were i couldn't stop looking you know and he can't tear

you know you shouldn't look couldn't tear my eyes away popped the glasses on they didn't know where I was looking directly at them honestly I was like you've chosen the airport to break up shouting at each other and I was like you know those gates down at Aer Lingus the four whatever gates 419 or whatever so it was like the perfect because it's just a straight line and you could see everything. And I was like, you're breaking up in the airport. Breaking up in the airport. Are you sure it wasn't a case that like one of them was kind of moving away

and they was having a sad moment? Were they being aggro with each other? No, aggro shouting like full on Defo breaking up. Yeah, you see a lot of booze taken in the airport. A lot of drinks had in the airport. Like we know it's the only legal place you can have porridge and a pint at 6am. So people get leery.

I've broken up with people in the airport on my own, just myself and the mirror. Not enough future on. Yeah, yeah. Fuck you. Not going to be gaslit by you, little bitch. There'd be nothing worse. Imagine though, you're going away on holidays with somebody and you're just

breaking up with them. Fuck that. I know people that it's happened to. There'd be nothing worse. Imagine though, you're going away on holidays with somebody and you're just, you're breaking up with them. Fuck that. I know people that it's happened to. They've broken up, they've broken up on holidays. Oh no. And then they're just, they're like, what do we do now? Do we, do we stay? What do they do? Well, the one person I know, they stayed, but they said it was a shit show. I'd stay as well. Cause I wouldn't want to waste the money.

I would just keep my mouth shut and be like, listen, let's just enjoy ourselves and sort this out when we get home. And then the second we land, I'd be like, don't ever contact me again. It's over.

Do you know what I mean? I would just, I would put up with it for the holiday. Do you know what? I'm so weird. I'd probably end up getting back with him. Oh, at least three times. Come on.

Yeah. Those people who break up and never speak to each other again. I applaud you, but like, I am not breaking up with somebody unless I've done it three or four times. That's a lie. Five or six. Oh the people who kind of break up, they conscious

uncouple, they break up and they say things like there's no animosity, we're still the best of friends, I wish them nothing but luck in the future. They're liars. Liars. Yeah I know but some people just break up and they don't contact each other constantly. I'm like what? Who are they? I don't understand that. They obviously, do you know what, they're, the only way you break up with someone and never contact them again the only

way you don't do the back and forth the back and forth thing happens when the relationship doesn't work but you still have a lot of feelings for each other so then when the time passes you kind of forget you think you can fix it you forget but sometimes relationships end because they don't have any feelings for each other and they're the ones who don't contact each other I would say with I don't know anecdotally. other. And they're the ones who don't contact each other, I would say. With, I don't know, anecdotally. Actually, yeah, yeah. I suppose there's been one relationship. What am I talking about?

No, there was a lot of breaking up and getting back together. And then the last one, there was no contact. Yeah, that's because you weren't into him. No, yeah, that's exactly it. Yeah, that's exactly it. I'm like a boomerang back into the sitting room window. Out through the door, back in the sitting room window. Out through the door, back in the sitting room window.

Let's make it work. Out the door. You're a dick, back in the sitting room window out through the door back into the sitting room window out through the door back into the sitting room window let's make it work out the door you're a dick back into the sitting room window very important it's very important to do that they keep throwing me out the door and I just fly it back

into the sitting room window I'm back baby hey honey let's make it work well that's it thank you for listening we've had a great time we've had a great time you