My Therapist Ghosted Me - Auntie Gina, Nail Bars & Supertasters

Episode Date: May 20, 2022

Finally, after months of shouting at each other across the internet, Vogue & Joanne were finally reunited in the studio and the energy was chaotic! They were both a bit hungover, but that didn't mean that they didn't have the energy to discuss cucumbers, McDonald's, big hands and wine tasting.... Plus much more! If you'd like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThank you!

Welcome to My Therapist Goes To Me with me, Gerard McNally and herself, Vogue Williams. We haven't been in studio together in a very long time. It's great to be back together. Look at her filming me there, little fucking snake. Filter that, please! I'm obviously, I'm not going to offend my my my Insta follower sometimes

when I'm really hung over what I'll do is like do you know the way you have certain Insta things that you look at I'll look at like real pores versus Instagram face

I'll be like look at her Kim Kardashian with hells in her face thank god I do love that though as well. I have to say it's terrible.

Welcome to My Therapist Goes To Me with me, Joanne McNally, and her, Vogue Williams, who's very hungover today for once. Thank God. And she's finally cracked. Oh, God. Welcome. Welcome to My Therapist Goes To Me. Not her, me.

Joanne, would you blame him? My Auntie Gina, we went to Joanne's show last night. My Auntie Gina, she got her eyes lasered recently. She was like, does Joanne look green to you? I was like, no, you probably shouldn't have gone out in the sun as soon as you got your eyes lasered. And as well, last night, I have never known somebody to continuously say, no, I'll get this round.

No, I'll get this taxi. And I was like, Gina, are you saying this? Because one time I called Scabby on the pod. Did she? Did you? And she's not even Scabby. I'm sorry. I'm just, is she green? No, and she's not even scabby. Sorry. And does Joanne look...

Is she green? No, and she's wearing a pink jumpsuit. Maybe she got a tint put in the eye. Did she get a tint put in the eye? She went out in the sun and that's why her eyes are probably like that. Your shoes were interesting last night. My shoes?

I felt like you were going to bounce off the stage at one point. They're the new Nike Air Max. They're slightly platformed. Wow. Do you not like them? I have to say, Joanne, we will never share shoes. We'll never agree on shoes. No, we'll never agree on shoes, but we will share clothes.

I did. I did. Even Cass was like, they're big shoes. Did she? Excuse me, they're the new Nike Air Max. How much did they set you back? They were a gift to myself

how much 140 140 they have some cheek charging that shit for runners 140 quid for runners

do you know what you're so right we'll never share shoes because you've no taste from the ankles down Joanne when you own those sandals

that are gonna come out soon because they're her summer sandals you cannot tell me I've no taste excuse me excuse me now tell me if you don't like When you own those sandals that are going to come out soon because they're her summer sandals. You cannot tell me I have no taste. Excuse me. Excuse me. Now tell me if you don't like.

I know you don't like heels. Come on. What's wrong with them? They're just. There's nothing disgusting about them. They're pathetic. They're not even a real shoe. My toes look so embarrassing.

God. Where are you going in those heels? Every time I come here, there's pap sitting outside. There was a pap outside today and I'm walking in. Did you ring them? Is that why they're there? No, I didn't ring them. Everyone says, I wish I would be making money off that.

They camp outside, but I got there and there's all these people looking for autographs. Not mine. Obviously, Amanda Holden's because she walks out at around the same time.

But they saw me getting pictured and it's like a pity autograph. It's like, I know you don't even want this. One person was a tourist walking around Leicester Square and I'm like, I know you don't even want this. One person was a tourist walking around Leicester Square and I'm like, you definitely don't know who I am. And I'm like, what are you going to do

with that? I've had that happen to me as well. When I did stand in for Catstall's Countdown, but it was the same thing. It was people collecting autographs at the front and again, they hadn't a clue who I was. But I think it's so old school asking for autographs. It's so sweet.

I know, but what do you do with them? They collect them. It's a real old school. To me, it's up there with train spotting. It's quite an anarchy, nerdy thing to do. I remember once I asked Jamie Redknapp and Louise for an autograph. Did you? Years ago, they were in Sardinia Airport and I saw them.

And me and my sister went over and asked for an autograph. I think autographs are a much better way to go. Like I, obviously you want it, if people come up to you, it's so nice when they come up to you. But like, I'm having photographs taken now that are literally giving me anxiety. They're so bad. I know. In the gym. In the gym.

I was on a fucking rowing machine. I was on a rowing machine. Listen, Joanne, you have to take your moment. I applaud that girl. Every dog has its day. Look, there I am, rowing machine listen Joanne you have to take your moment I applaud that girl every dog has its day look at there I am rowing away there's nothing sweat dripping off me

mascara running down my like I'm not I'm not a sex I don't look sexy when I wear I'm not one of these sexy sweaters as we know you're quite a sweaty sweater I know yeah

so can you imagine me on a rowing machine no anyway that's what I mean just every time now I'm like put a filter on it I'm like literally photoshop that to shit like Kardashian that shit

like I want to see my my head kind of Paris filter into the back more Paris more than Paris oh Paris solves everything one guy downstairs

asked me to take off my sunglasses I thought excuse me what do you mean for his picture it's because he's trying to figure out who you are yeah

are you a man yeah I should have said that lads listen she's coming out in a minute I have somewhere to be I'm late

that's why I was late not because I was chatting out there do you know it as well sometimes men love saying it more so I think than women

but like lads will come up and be like listen I don't have a clue who you are oh I know and I'm like mate I don't have

a fucking clue who you are either and one guy he was like I don't have a clue who you are can I get and i'm like mate i don't have a fucking clue who you are either and one guy he was like i don't have a clue you are can i get a selfie and i was like no and he goes i'm only messing i'm a huge fan i'm a huge fan i was like whatever took the selfie and he goes ha i'm only messing i don't know who you are he's like you're such a wanker you're such a loser fucking loser well anyway anyway i was i was glad about that i was glad i was noticed the green eye g Gina with her green eyes that's jealousy

don't they say that's jealousy she's just constantly jealous Gina is a green eyed monster she was definitely jealous of you last night she was jealous of me last night you were

like amazing thank you Vogue when I went in I actually was like I'm oh dear I take that back now

is your fucking phone going off on the podcast what I was so proud of you who's that oh my god it's my laptop ah

I can understand like it's like when you see someone on stage and you just fancy them I'm like do I fancy Joanna because she's just so cool there's something

very attractive like I that's why I talk in the show about falling for funny men it's there's something very attractive

about seeing someone on stage I find seeing men on stage very attractive. Because it's power, isn't it? You're in a position of power. It's controlling your room. And I have to say,

your fans, like I'm considering just going and standing outside the Palladium tonight just to hang out with them. Aren't they amazing? Everyone who came up to me last night was so sound.

Everyone was locked. I was locked. I'm hungover. I can't get over that. What happened? I don't know. I can't believe you're finally good crack again. It's been three years. I know. And every time I drink, I'm hung over. I can't get over that. What happened? I don't know. I can't believe you're finally

go crack again. It's been three years. I know. And every time I drink, I'm like, I'm not drinking again now. That's me for a month. I'm like,

I've drank every single weekend. But I had a pint of champagne. It just felt like the right thing to do. I love that. That's such a vogue. Such a vogue angle on it. I had a pint of Bollinger.

Like, I was absolutely rocked. It was a pint of Tattinger, actually. Becky gave it to me. Her and her mate were going wild drinking it. The girls who come in, they are sound. I really liked everybody, I have to say, that came up to me. So, well done, all of you, for being sound.

I'll be back to see you. Do drink responsibly. Make sure you have a pint and not a small glass. Jo, like, there's no response but like there's no it's called a Prosecco Express do you know what I mean you know if you have more than

like two drinks that's binge drinking I know like listen it's like eating disorders I assume everyone has an eating disorder and I work back from that

I assume everyone has alcohol dependency issues and I work back from that that's the truth Jo that's the truth like alcohol is a poison like you by ingesting alcohol no one drinks responsibly there's no such thing back from that. That's the truth, Jo. That's the truth. Like, alcohol is a poison.

Like, by ingesting alcohol, no one drinks responsibly. There's no such thing. The only way to drink responsibly is to not actually drink. Don't drink at all. Spencer is now a responsible drinker. He's still a bit smug.

He does this. He goes through a smug. And like, even this morning, I was like, not hungover. Not hungover. Not hungover. Because I knew that he'd be, like, judging.

He sent me pictures of his, someone he's with who is hungover. And he's like, look at him. He's really hungover. hungover because I knew that he'd be like judging he's sending me pictures of his someone he's with who is hungover and he's like look at him he's really hungover and I'm not I'm in trouble I had to stop drinking

certain things as you were talking about white wine last night white wine drunk like I can't drink whiskey or anything like that I go crazy I get in trouble

I'm in trouble a lot at the moment because I I do I want to get you're always in trouble with someone I'm always in trouble

I'm not in trouble with anyone at the moment. I'm in trouble with someone. I woke up the other morning, my friend Audrey had sent me three voice notes and deleted them all. I was like, oh God, I'm in trouble. Oh! Audrey got hit by a van.

What? You know Audrey, my dentist friend? Yeah, she got hit by a van. Explain this to me. She got hit by an actual van. Where? I don't understand how. In town. She was in A&E.

She's like, I'm after getting hit by a van. And she was the one who booked grease. And I said, you know what that is? That's karma. Yeah, I was actually thinking

that she was bitching about my teeth a while ago. Is she okay? She's fine now. I don't know why I found it so funny. It's not funny getting hit by a van.

It's funny when you know they're okay. It's like when someone falls. And she was just so annoyed and it's so not something she would do. She's real, she's very glamorous and posh.

Getting hit by a van just doesn't, just is very unusual behavior for her. A van though. But I did say, look, you booked Greece. Shit, there was something

coming your way. I am, I'm currently booking holidays, right? I'm going to book Ibiza. It's happening. I need to know your dates.

I'm just booking a villa. I'm going with my family and you can come down is this September yeah yeah I can't I'm on the UK tours in September

I can't go well I'm going anyway Abitha Theodore and I are going to go see see what's his name Wayne Lineker in Ocean Club

are you going to bring Theodore to get off his tits in Manumission absolutely he's going to love it a couple of Mitsubishis a Mitsubishi rotten doubishis a Mitsubishi rotten

do you know what a Mitsubishi is Jo? they were the pills in the 90s me neither there was always these stories going around I remember this story there was these new batch of pills in like the early 90s well do you not remember your one

now again it could be an urbaner but she got completely whacked out of it and ripped out her own eyeball at a party in Dorky. Yeah. Oh, you do hear about stuff like that where people that drink so much water

when they're on pills that they drown themselves. What? Is that an urban myth also? People drink so much water when they're on pills that they drown themselves. They literally,

their body has too much water and that's how they die. Jesus, imagine dying from being too hydrated. I know. It never happened to us. I actually realise why you sweat now

when you're hungover because I'm quite sweaty. I also, Ciara Lambert did my hair. I'm sweating. Sweating on the back of my neck. I didn't even, jeez, I didn't even notice.

Oh yeah. I was like, fab. I felt too mumsy. I went back to the long. I'm getting stenos. Joanne, no you're not. I've already told her.

Ciara said, Joanne wants stenos. I was like, she's not getting them. I want stenos. Joanne, you have so much hair. I want more hair said Joanne wants stenos I was like she's not getting them I want stenos Joanne you have so much hair I want more hair No Where are you going to put the stenos?

You'll literally look like Paddy and Selma That's the way your hair will go Welcome to My Therapist Goes To Me With me Vogue Williams No hold on You're still doing it Welcome to My Therapist Goes To Me with me, Vogue Williams. No, hold on. You're still doing it.

Speaking of standouts, I know we're kind of veering off, but I was in, I went in to get my nails done yesterday. It's so fucking funny. Like, firstly, I just want to get my nails done yesterday. So fucking funny. Like, firstly, I just want to say, I love nail bars. Like, I love them. Who's that now? Sorry, it's actually Auntie Gina. Thanks so much for last night and slept like a log with all the drink.

You passed out, Gina. You didn't sleep like a log. She just kept saying to Cass, Cass, we have to go home now. We have to go home. And I'm like, no! One more! Does your hand look green to you? I'm supposed to get in my laser.

A therapist is going to laser my eyes for me. Thank God. I can't see a fucking thing. You need to get eye laser. Gina's survived on herself. She likes it like that. I love the culture of the nail bars because you go in

and it's a real like sanctity like just women talking shit to each other and everyone like do you know what I mean it's like women's toilets

I just love it anyway I went in and your mum was filing for ages are they your full nails or you put bits on the top they're steno's

oh nails steno's okay but you see the way all my nails kind of veer off to the right now why is that but your mum just fucking kept filing and I was like she's filing them she nails kind of veer off to the right now. Why is that? But she just fucking kept filing them.

And I was like, she's filing them. She was kind of, it was one of these, I think it's a Vietnamese one. And she's like, she's filing my nails. And she's also threading a woman's eyebrows with her right hand. Like there's just a lot of shit going on. Someone's getting a wax under the table. Do you know what I mean? I love those places though where you go and get the lockdown.

I love them. You go in, no one has an appointment. You don't know how long you're going to be waiting. But it reminded me so much. There's a comedian called Angela Johnson. She's an American stand-up,

has an amazing bit. It went viral about nail bars. They're just so funny. So I went into a nail bar not that long ago. And I just needed, see the coral colour there? And I said to your one,

I was like, I just needed one nail replaced. So I needed see the coral colour there and I said to your one I was like oh I just need one nail replaced so I went in I asked her do you want to replace one nail and they send you

they point to these Jo you won't know they have these wheels of nail colours like wheels I love them thousands of colours to choose from right

so your one just kind of points me off towards the basket of wheel colours the wheels the wheel of colours and I was like well if you anything like just that

and you could see her face she was fucking bawling and she goes you choose oh and it was like I was like oh was this yesterday

no no no this was recently back in Dublin and I looked at her and I went well do you have anything close to that and she's like

you choose oh my god and I was like oh my god what is going it was like I'd come in and went yo nail bitch

sort me out I hadn't at all that's usually the way Joanne treats people actually then I went chose the colour went over and to say

she slammed my hand around the place oh my god she was like slamming me because you were only doing one nail you weren't worth her while but I don't think that's I think it was because

I asked her to choose the colour for me instead of me spinning through the wheel like Bruce Forsythe for because I asked her to choose the colour for me instead of me spinning through the wheel like Bruce Forsythe for about three years trying to find the fucking colour. So,

you have to look at Angela Johnson's thing about the nail bar. It is so funny. We can't put clips in. I don't think it's for legal reasons. I think it's because Jo doesn't know how to do it.

But anyway, go and look it up in your own time. I agree. I agree. He tries to hide his tech negligence under legal issues.

I feel like when someone has their nails done, you just look really done. I know. Like I never have my nails done. Anyway, all my nails now veer off to the right for some reason.

Ah, they look good. That's only you thinking that. I don't know why. Imagine I got those things on my hands. Like my hands literally wouldn't fit through doors. Like they're just too big.

You'd need quite a wide nail, yeah? I'd need a wide... Look at the size of that hand. It's a big hand. Jo, show us your hands. Look, mine would be bigger. Oh God, Jo. Oh my God, your hands are massive. I've's a big hand. Jo, show us your hands. Look, mine would be bigger. Oh God, Jo. Oh my God, your hands are massive.

I've got a big dick. Well, in fairness, you've got big dick energy. Poor Svenny. Svenny actually said to me once when we were holding hands, he's like, fucking hell, your hands are huge.

I'm like, I don't even like holding hands with him anymore. So I do this special hold where I'll just hold his fingers so he doesn't feel how big my hands are. But I'm like, just so you know, that really offended me

and now I feel uncomfortable about my hands. It's not your responsibility to make Spencer feel more masculine. If he's emasculated by your hands, that's his problem. Will you tell me the joke that I missed last night? No. I missed it. I was

waiting. I just had to leave a little bit early. It's at the end. But I timed it because you came on at 47 and I was like, she said to me it's an hour long. So I waited till 43 and I was like, I gotta go. Yeah, no, it was actually 75. It's about 75 now.

I missed that long? Yeah. Oh my God, I must have looked like such a rude bitch. 75! Why didn't you tell me that? Because I kind of forgot you were going to leave beforehand. I forgot that you only kind of come to half a show. I was there for, excuse me, I was there early. I was

in Soho Drink and I was great crack last night. I was like, you will have my full support for half of it and then I will go. I feel like I could go again then. I could go tonight. I would absolutely love, do you know what one of my biggest fantasies would be? Apart from getting gently choked in the sack.

Choking. Gentle choked in the sack. Is you, I would love one day, Jo, this is my fantasy, right? To wake up, Vogue's ringing me, okay? And instead of her going, come down and train with me and John. What she's actually saying is, oh my God, do you want to go for bottomless brunch? Get absolutely

rat arsed. Come on, come down now. You can wear all my clothes. I'll do your hair. I'm not doing all that stuff. I'll do the other stuff. Shut up! This is my fantasy vote. Get out! Get out of my mind! I said, and you can gently choke me in the sack. And then we'll go on the piss

and we'll go on the piss all day and we'll go to lovely restaurants and we'll go day drinking. I would love, she will never do it. Never. I, excuse me, the new Vogue. No.

Well, I'll tell you. Okay, okay. Do you know what I'm doing on Amber's birthday? Not this Saturday, but next Saturday, if you're around. We're going day drinking at your favourite place. My balcony. Yep.

You're not around, are you? I don't think so. Now, you see, there's your fantasy. And you'll even get Amber thrown in for good measure. What did you think of the opening act last night, Kelly Convite? I arrived late. So how long were you actually there for? I caught the end of her.

Did you come in, down a pint of champagne and leave? I came in. Do you know how furious I am that you've changed it to 75 minutes and you didn't tell me about it? Like, I must have looked like such a dick walking out at 47 because I was like, oh, it's nearly an hour. I better pop out now. I'll go miss the crowd. I do that with everything, though.

Even shows, I'm like, let's leave two minutes early so we can get a taxi. Yeah, I know. Oh, it did not go unnoticed, your lack of support. In fairness, I left my little brother with Otto and as I'm walking out the door he's like, what do I do? And he wakes up and I'm like, bye! So he didn't know what to do at all. He's actually quite scared of even holding Otto.

Speaking of kids, the book quote. What? All that drama around the book quote. What? All that drama around the book quote. Not only did they put words in my mouth and take a quote I never said. After all that drama. Do you know where they put it, Jo?

On the back of the book. Where did you think it was going? On the front. What? I'm on the front. No, Amanda Holden. For your own book, you can be on the front. Amanda Holden's quote is on the front. No, she's not. Who's on the front? Me Holden for your own book you can be on the front Amanda Holden's quote

is on the front no she's not who's on the front me no she is Amanda Holden's quote Amanda is not on the front she's a nice person

she's a nice person and she does unfortunately look that good she's a baby in real life she's absolutely right sickening

but I'm going back to see Susan Bond I'm hitting up the Morpheus's again I'm going into I'm going into Doctor You so I'm in going in on Sunday and into Doctor Who and so I'm in,

going in on Sunday and like, when I come out, I won't even get through passport control. I will look like a different person and I cannot wait. What are you getting done?

I'm basically going to transition into a ride. So I'm going to get the revive, I'm going to get like an extra ear put on my forehead. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm going to go bananas. That is why Joanne

looks as good as she does. I look like shit. You don't look like shit. You should look like shit know what I'm going to do. I'm going to go bananas. That is why Joanne looks as good as she does. I look like shit. You don't look like shit. You should look like shit. So I'm on the, my nose has had this, like usually my skin is pretty good.

I've had this breakout all around my nose. I genuinely look like I've got syphilis. That's a little rash. You probably do have syphilis from all your gallivanting. I'm going to get an STI test.

Oh, there's ones that you can get sent to your house nowadays. Yeah. I'm going to get an STI test. Oh, there's ones that you can get sent to your house nowadays. Yeah. Going to get one done. Just for the crack. I think you should just get a whole like service done. NCT, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, nothing wrong with that. I can guarantee you're going to be like, 100%, they're going to be like, you've got liver failure in the clap. Go home. I'll be like, I'm a performer. I love it. More clapping.

Supposedly, what's that thing called? Is it warts? Supposedly like 75% of people performer. I love it. More clapping. Supposedly, what's that thing called? Is it warts? Supposedly, like 75% of people have it just dormant in their body. And because I was a wart hand girl when I was younger, warts all over my hands, I probably have it.

I've never had a wart. Never had a wart? Never had a wart. In an interesting turn of events, I have a little lump on my knee, right? And I was in getting something else done. It doesn't matter. I don't know. have a little lump on my knee right and I was in getting something else done doesn't matter and um

I was just getting my face stapled back on getting my lips done the lower half and um I said to the doctor here you wouldn't whack off that wart there and he's like that's not a wart that's a benign tumour I've got a tumour on my knee that's a very like poor choice of words to be like he could have just said it's a cyst

yeah no apparently it's a tumour it could have teeth in it and everything who knows I'd get rid of that get rid of it oh I am obviously

but he's like it's not a case of just burning it off like a verruca so basically I have a tumour did you ever have a verruca you need to start a GoFundMe page

for my treatment that's not what happens poor Joanne run a marathon and raise money for me for God's sake never have a tumour. Did you ever have a verruca? You need to start a GoFundMe page for my treatment. That's not what happens. Poor Joanne. Run a marathon and raise money for me for God's sake. Never. You're the marathon runner.

Did you never have a verruca even? Ah, sure. Jesus. I was riddled with them. Do you remember the swimming socks? Yeah, I loved the swimming socks. I was constantly having my bits of my feet frozen off.

I still have the fear like even when I take the kids swimming I'm like, oh, it's like you're walking on a death trap. You just don't know if you're going to, a brook is going to touch itself. I was always having a brook.

I can't believe you never had a wart on your hand. God, I was covered in them. How did I miss out on the gag of getting Brillo Paddle written on your sexy pad? How did I not think of that? It was only after I was like, why did I get frillo paddle? No McDonald's for the Russians. No McDonald's for the Russians. I can't believe that 800,

they only had 800 McDonald's though. That shocked me even more. The ultimate punishment. We must have 800 in London. I'm not a Maccy D. I don't eat McDonald's. I don't really eat McDonald's. I have to be honest.

I'd have it maybe once a year. It just doesn't appeal to me at all. Like, whatever. I like their chips. It's not... I just feel like it's... All my badness comes from booze. I can't afford to not eat well.

Do you know what I mean? Or I'll die. John, chicken salad sandwiches are not eating well. Excuse me. By the way. Her sitting with her box of Pringles and her gins on the plane.

I'm eating well that's why I love when you come to my house I'm like go go and eat something from the fridge please eat something she's like

now in fairness I wouldn't say I eat that well I eat an enormous amount of chocolate every day because it's just sitting there

like we have a box of chocolate at home yeah but you train like a mini athlete so you're fine. Do you know what I mean? I went to the passport office this week because I'm getting Otto's passport

because I'm desperate to get it away. How does Otto need a passport? Well, he does. Do you know what? For everyone asking as well, because I've got loads of mails about it, I should just answer, but like I'll answer everyone here.

You can travel with your child on a birth certificate to Ireland. You just have to, I think Aer Lingus do it. You can travel with your driver's license as well with Aer Lingus, I think. You can, that is true. Yeah. So if you're looking to get your kids home, I know people were asking about that.

Yeah, but I was in the passport office. People are so grim in there. Like just so grumpy and like angry and annoyed. I had the best experience. 40 minutes, in and out, appointment booked. Same as everybody else that was standing there whinging. This girl whinging about having no page in her passport. I'm the best experience. 40 minutes, in and out, appointment booked, same as everybody else that was standing there whinging, this girl whinging about

having no page in her passport. I'm loving today's podcast. Focus just like on one. It's like we've just wound her up. How many batteries are in you today? I know, it's just really, well, it's...

I'm delighted. It's the hangover, actually. I wasn't sure if I was going to get a word out. I'm kicking back. This is fab. Go on, go on about the passport office. Yeah, so I was in there

and just, I just thought like, how annoying is their job that they have to sit and listen to you tutting at them the whole time because like, so I was in there and just, I just thought like, how annoying is their job that they have to sit and listen to you tutting at them the whole time because like, you've lost a page in your passport.

Your passport's expired. It's not their fault. My passport photo is so bad that I'm very much considering selling it on the black market to get a new one. Irish passports are worth quite a lot of money, Jo.

Are they? Yeah. But that's what they say. That's what Irish people tell each other. I don't know. We're always, we're completely up our own hole,

but apparently it's, because it's the least political one, really. Oh, I have something to sell. Sorry, have you used my new face serum? No, not yet. Thank you. BBV, bare my Vogue, has brought out a new face serum

and we're giving 20% off everything. Vogue, hold on a second. If you want to advertise my podcast, you need to go through the official channels. Okay? You can't be just throwing this shit out like I want money for this shit

you'll go in now talk to global marketing this is an ad what's the I need to ask the girls you can't pay me off with the tanning mitt I want actual cash

what's the ghosted code that is I don't know I've never tried to sell anything on this podcast yeah right you've tried your very best are there still tickets

for the September section of the tour where is the September section going on I mean Yeovil I think is still struggling so

where is Yeovil Somerset Somerset it probably didn't help ticket sales by going where the fuck is Yeovil I'm going to Yeovil no let me just

let me just get it in okay so yeah my tanning serum is amazing so do try it and there's a code ghosted you're using

you're using ghosted ghosted to get 20% off the Bareby Vogue site and Joanne's blocked she's not allowed ever wear it again

do you know Kieron Kieron's my business partner and actually someone asked me for his they asked me for Kieron's number and I was like

yeah no problem they're like what's his second name I was like I don't have a clue he's in my phone as Ciarán Tan that's so funny

because Joe when I came in this morning honest to God they were like Joe who and I was like Joe Protestant Joe

I couldn't proddy Joe completely blanked I'm kind of braged and I didn't take a stage name you should have Russell Cain's name is not Russell Cain did you know that there's loads of people in comedy I couldn't find it. Prodigio. Completely blanked. I'm kind of brazen. I didn't take a stage name. You should have.

Russell Kane's name is not Russell Kane. Did you know that? There's loads of people in comedy. What would you take, though? I'd probably stick with Joanne, but I'd get a better surname. No, Joanne. Joanne.

Joanne Macarazzi. Just something easy. You've got a grand name, though. I feel like my name is kind of cheap. Well, only because you've cheapened the Vogue brand. Before you came along, Vogue was actually quite a high-end brand. I'd say Vogue magazine,

if they even know of my existence, are furious. Did you? Did you? Ugh. Ugh. I give them the ick. We're like,

we need to cease and desist on this human. We need to cease and desist her existence. Did you see that there was a little pub in somewhere called, it's a little town called Vogue and they called the pub Vogue and Vogue sent a cease and desist letter saying change her name.

Stop. People, the gals thing was, they were like, people will think this is an association between us. They'll think,

and no offense to the little pub, but like, it's a tiny little country pub. Like, do you know what I mean ah stop I'm surprised they haven't sent me one please stop using the name

we'll pay you to stop using the name Vogue the idea that this little pub that anyone would think that this little tiny country pub this old man's pub would be would be an affiliation with Vogue magazine is so deranged

have you been watching the Kardashians? No. Oh my God, but it's brand new and it's really like you're in their house. Like it's way more real than the last one. But please tell me you saw the clip of Kendall cutting a cucumber. I did see that.

That girl has never in her life held a knife. She's never ever even made herself a piece of toast. I would have got that cut out. Did you not think that was so embarrassing? I thought it was... Cucumbers to me, between her not being able

to cut that cucumber... Firstly, someone tweeted saying why does she look like she's about to dislocate her arm? She was holding the cucumber with her left arm from the ass of the cucumber and kind of splicing it.

She was cutting off teeny tiny chunks. Are you watching a show? Is that not insane? Her trying to eat the cucumber? Cut it. She was cutting off teeny tiny chunks. Are you watching a show? Is that not insane? Her trying to eat the cucumber. Cut it. But then Chris is like, get the chef to do it.

Get the chef. And I'm like, you have a chef just standing in your gap. Of course they do. Just all day, a chef. Of course they do. Oh my God. She would not know how to make a piece of toast.

I guarantee it. Listen, that's the kind of wealth I want. I don't want to know how to cut a cucumber. That's what I want. I want the kind of wealth. Listen, that's the kind of wealth I want. I don't want to know how to cut a cucumber. That's what I want. I want the kind of wealth, do you know what the kind of wealth I want? Where you know,

you use eye cream but like all over your body. Do you know like eye cream comes entirely past? Or that Estee Lauder like night repair serum but all over your body. Exactly.

Yeah. That's what I want. No, I more so want the life of of like i just want to have a chef there to have and like today i opened my drawer of shorts and i was like oh god i'm gonna have to clear that out now it's like i couldn't even open it and i just want someone to go and do that for me i'd love that i'd be like chef will you put that processed chicken on the crack hot for me please what would you actually ask for? That chicken's not wet enough, chef. Okay?

That sandwich isn't even a bit soggy. You're fired. But do you know what I was thinking? Cucumbers are really having a moment, right? Between Kendall going viral with her cucumber and Hilaria going viral with her cucumber. It's like cucumbers are like the new... Do you know the way computers check if you're a human? Yeah.

They're like tick the box with the traffic lights. Yeah, yeah. That a cucumber is kind of the barometer of how up your own hole or privileged you are. Like if you don't know how to treat a cucumber like a normal person, you're living a privileged lifestyle. Do you know what I mean?

Definitely. But how do you eat a cucumber? I think people who are really fancy get rid of the dark green bit and eat it like that. And then if you're like, if you're apps, if you're like Jeff Bezos, millionaire, billionaire status, you actually get rid of the middle bit as well. Do you know that, have you ever met a super taster? What's that?

Well, I used to live with a super taster called Siobhan. They're fascinating. They're basically, they have a really heightened palate so you always know a super taster because they can't stand the smell of cucumber why? because it smells really acidic to them

it smells horrible so like when I was in the house because I love a bit of cucumber right and when I was in I'd bring in my chardonnay and

even the smell of it like putting it in the fridge and I would drive her bananas if I was cutting it or anything oh my god Joanne yeah you come out with all this weird

crap that you know. A supertaster is a person who tastes certain flavours in foods more strongly than other people. The human tongue is wrapped in taste buds. The small mushroom shaped bumps are covered with taste receptors that bind to the molecules. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

How do you know if you're a supertaster? Wow, I don't think, you definitely aren't, Joanne. You're not even a taster. Oh, I'm a below par taster. I wonder... I have one taste bud. One taste bud. I bet you have like zero taste buds.

And it's blocked. It's blocked. So I actually can't taste anything. The average person is 15 to 30 and those with fewer than 15 will be considered non-tasters. So that's me. Super tasters often may find

foods and drinks unpleasant, including alcohol. You are not a super taster. Absolutely not a super taster. So that's me. Super tasters often may find foods and drinks unpleasant, including alcohol. You are not a super taster. Absolutely not a super taster. Do you know the weirdest thing happened to me the other day? What? I was in a bar in Clapham

having my chicken salad and my glass of Pinot Grigio. And I didn't, I've never in my life returned a glass of wine. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what's going on.

I went up and I said to your man, I said, I'll pay for it. But I'm going to actually, because I'm only allowed one glass up and I said to your man I said I'll pay for it but I'm going to actually because I'm only allowed one glass of wine a day so I said I'll pay for it but that's not I don't like it

and he's like he was actually Irish he goes why and I was like I don't know I don't know why I just don't like the taste of that wine

yeah but it could have been corked corked fuck as if I'm drinking corked wine they're all screw tops so I gave it back to him he gave me another wine

and I was like I don't like that wine either. And then I was like, oh my God, am I pregnant? I think you're actually getting like good taste in wine. I was like, have I developed a palate? Or am I pregnant? I don't know what's worse. I don't know what's worse. Do you not think it's important to go back and tell people

when you don't like something in a restaurant? Because I did that the other day. Oh, go on. Now, I had wings, right? They were the driest wings. I felt sorry for these wings. They were absolutely awful. And I didn't even want the money off.

I just wanted them to know how shit their wings were. Good. And then the owner of that establishment was beside me in the shop. And I thought about turning around and saying to him, listen, those wings were unacceptable. He wasn't there on the day but it's like how did you get a wing wrong? Well I don't eat wings

but what I will say is sometimes you're like should I say something as in if you have a complaint you're like maybe it's helpful feedback. I think it's important

to give the like they don't give a shit the girl I told about the rotten wings was just like oh okay and just walked off and like went on a better day

she doesn't care but she should go back and tell the chef and be like dude your wings are crap yeah I set up a play date with Theodore's

one of his friends mom's and we went to the Battersea Zoo and like you just meet up and your kids play with each other and like it's always

a nice time and Spenny was like why are we here he was like I, I don't understand. Who's that woman? And I was like, it's a play date, Spenny. He was like, do you do this stuff? And I was like, yeah. The kids have play dates all the time. He was like fascinated by it. Who's that woman? Yeah. Why are we here? Who is that woman? Do you not know her? I didn't know you loved cucumbers so much.

Love a cucumber. Do you know what I used to eat when I was deranged? Oh, when you had your eating disorder? Yeah. I don't know if you mean drunk or like what. Deranged means drunk in Irish. I was deranged. Cucumber sandwiches.

So I would cut a cucumber and like put Philadelphia in and just like a bit of chicken and just eat it as a sandwich. Oh my God, that sounds nice to me. I know, it's delicious. Yeah. It's like a burger when you wrap it in a, sometimes the bun can be too much. I feel we're going to have a really sexy summer.

I don't know why. Well, we're going to go to Jersey to Joe's wedding. He'd be terrified. We're going to go to Jersey. I'm going to Spain at some point. It should pop down. I don't think Jersey is sexy is Jersey sexy I just mean more so

is it a bit sexy is it a bit sexy I just mean more so I just feel it's going to be really sunny I feel like there's going to be a lot of apparel spritzes

I feel like I'm going to have an apparel stress I told you I'm only having straight vodka I feel like we're going to fucking hell things have escalated I'm telling you

we're gonna finish the summer in the Betty Ford I can't wait I'm back on the boots well come on then put your money where your mouth is listen I've just invited you to something

I'm away this weekend I'm in Cork and I can't go out this weekend but the following weekend I'm gonna be drinking I might even start at like 10 in the morning

I don't know I haven't decided Vogue you know my itinerary I need to day drink be in bed by 4 so I'm even start at like 10 in the morning. I don't know. I haven't decided. Vogue, you know my itinerary. I need to day drink, be in bed by four, so I'm on stage at seven. That's how my day works. We actually had a nice day drinking day that turned into a day drinking night, though. That's when I don't like it. It has to end at some point or it's not day drinking anymore. And I'm not going to take you to a bottomless brunch because the thing that gives me the

fear the most is drinking really shite cheap Prosecco I can't do it I don't know what's happened to me but I don't think I can do it now either

Thanks for listening girlos and boyos Thank you girlos and boyos thanks for listening we've had a lovely time with you today

and it's great to be back in the studio isn't it you can't beat it really you can't you actually can't beat it I hope you're here next week I am yeah

oh great all is right in the world we'll see you next week don't forget you can get 20% off our facial serums.