My Therapist Ghosted Me - Australia, Ostriches & The Oscars

Episode Date: March 17, 2023

Joanne is down under, in the future with dodgy wifi and even dodgier mayo and Vogue's on the bathroom floor with Alan? Plus, raging hangovers, Ostriches, green screen tan, Vogue's trotters on the Daily Mail, Oscars goss and orgasms in your sleep.If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] is going on tour in Ireland & The UK! Remember to check the venue websites as well as Ticketmaster! For more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThank you!

This is a Global Player Original Podcast. Hello and welcome to My Therapist Ghosted Me with me, Vogue Williams and Joanne McNally all the way from Melbourne. Are you in Melbourne? I'm going to say as little as possible. Because the Wi-Fi is not great. And we need to get this done. You know, I met the Australian Prime Minister. Well, she wasn't the Prime Minister at the time.

I met her in Soho House there about three weeks ago. What was her name again? Nice lady. What? Julia, I think was her name. Is that right? Yeah, bumped into her. I remember her from my time as an Australian. I used to be Australian. Do you not remember? Of course I

remember. I remember very well you were Australian. You stole Winnie from Australia. You bought Winnie in Australia. Winnie is an Australian. That's why some dogs don't understand Winnie because they just don't understand his accent. He's got an Aussie accent. And he's very outdoorsy. Always has been. Very outdoorsy. Loves

the sunshine. Always finds the sunspot. He's Aussie through and through. He's mad for avocado. Doesn't understand mayonnaise. Do Aussies not like mayonnaise? They like mayonnaise but they don't understand mayonnaise. Do Aussies not like mayonnaise? They like mayonnaise, but they don't understand it. I remember this from my time here years ago.

They do food so well. And then their mayonnaise, maybe it's because of a refrigeration issue. I don't know. But the mayonnaise just wasn't right. There was just something wrong. Just wasn't right. And you know the way we just do, they don't do,

now look, this is probably racist. I've only been out for one meal in Australia since I've been here. But it reminds me, it's the same thing. It's not like the thick, like kind of juicy,

mayonnaise-y condiment that we know and love. They have this kind of weird, gloopy beige shit. I like the gloopy beige. It looks like a bottle of Hellmann's is really hung over. That's the only way I could describe it. It just doesn't look good. But that's the kind of mayonnaise that they have in France. And I love that mayonnaise. It's got like a touch of mustard in it. It's absolutely delicious. God, I love mayonnaise. There's something not right with it here. I noticed you were eating a lasagna and

I thought that's a very unjoined dish to eat. What the hell were you doing with a lasagna? Was that Alan's lasagna? What couldn't have been your lasagna? Folk, as you know, I don't eat meat. Oh yeah. That's not even why I thought. I just thought she'd never eat a lasagna. I don't eat meat publicly. Privately, I'll have a nibble every now and again away from judgment. But publicly, I would not eat meat. And so that was, indeed,

you're correct, Alan's lasagna. But what made, like poor Alan, so basically, we flew to Australia, obviously.

That's how we got here. And to say Alan enjoyed himself on the flight, he drank so many Cosmos that we flew Emirates who were just Jesus

it's like a religious experience but we he drank so many Cosmos that they ran out of coupe glasses literally ran out of them Jesus because they only have

something like 18 per flight I don't I don't know how many casos he drank, but they ended up giving them to him in a wine glass at the end.

He ate everything they put in front of him. But we sat, we just, we sat for an hour. We sat for an hour. Well, I didn't have time

to eat everything because I took one of my Tanzanian downers and was literally comodified for 24 hours. I'd say they were about to resuscitate me.

I'd say, I would say I was like two snores away from actual death. So he ate everything, drank everything and he was hanging today. And then of course

he takes it out on me because he's like, I'm not like you. I can't handle it like you can. And then he's calling me Joanne McGowan all day after Shane McGowan. It's like, it's not my fault. You drank 68 Cosmos on the plane, Alan. This is not me being smug in any way, but I feel Alan's pain and it is all down to him. He can't blame anyone else. I too have been horrified by the level of hangover

I was left with on a flight and I've never drank on a flight since ever I couldn't do it to myself wouldn't even have one this all stems from the time I found Alan naked on the bathroom floor oh yeah I remember that yeah yeah yeah so basically we were just chilling we listen Vogue I know we've moved past it but please don't try and defend the time that you rode my boyfriend

while I was downstairs okay It wasn't your best work You asked me to you said I can't face that shit again Hug It's like when you

take over Spenny for me It's like That's what a true friend is That's what friends do That's what friends do That's a true friend. True friend. Imo, are you married yet, Imo? No. She's engaged

isn't she? Yeah. Well the day you don't want to ride your wife, me and Vogel step in Imo. Solid. Yes. No questions asked. No questions asked. Oh thank you so much. I probably have more experience in the area to be honest with you. In what area? The field of lesbianism? In the field of lesbianism. I probably have more experience in the area, to be honest with you.

In what area? The field of lesbianism? In the field of lesbianism. I'd say I'm more of a lesbian than Joanne is. Why? Because your sister's a lesbian? Yeah, well, that as well. So you're lesbian adjacent. Is that what you're saying?

I'm lesbian adjacent. I'm closer to being a lesbian than you are. Amitai Emo, who's more lesbian, Emo, me or Joanne? We talk about this all the time Vogue is constantly trying to have a higher proportion of lesbian gene

it's clear that I am more of a lesbian than you are Vogue everyone knows that I am more probably a gay man I actually do you know what

speaking of what we are not I left I left a meeting yesterday and I jumped in my Uber and the guy was like nearly jumped out of the car. He was like, I was just talking to somebody. You're not the person.

I was like, no, I am. I just sound really like a man. Sorry, but it is me. I just rang you. I had to tell him my name and everything. He was so, he was like, why are you in my car? I was like, no, I just rang you. I know, I know what I sounded like.

You're vocally fluid. That's what we call people like you. Your voice changes. Sometimes you sound male and sometimes you sound female. You know what I mean? You're a product of your generation. You're vocally fluid. This is it.

But you know what? I was listening back to last week's pod, okay? And Otto had woken us up early. And so I had two coffees before nine o'clock. When I say, well, you know, I sounded berserk because you guys would have heard it. But I sounded... Berserk! Berserk comes from the same place that the word body comes from.

It's like your mom used to say. And she went, absolutely berserk. I haven't heard that word in so long. So you're saying you two coffees and you went completely berserk. I had two coffees and it sounded like I was broken. I had to text him. I was like, Imo, like, did you speed me up? And she was like, I don't think so. And then she listened back and she was like, yeah yeah you're saying really fast oh my god

that's but that's such an amazing that's what everyone wants from coffee we all want to be working at 2x do you know

we want to be working at double speed it doesn't happen for me it actually happens for you oh my god honestly I have to really be careful of my coffee intake

and now I'm like everything if I wake up early in the morning I accuse it on coffee the day before. I'm like, no, I had three coffees. That's why I didn't sleep as well. That's amazing. It really messes me up. Half a cup of Nescafe and you're at 1.5 for the day.

That's amazing. I'd love that. I know. I know. But like when I heard myself back in the pod, I was like, people are going to think I'm absolutely insane. Anyway, Joanne, so your week has been travelling. Sorry.

What else did you do? I have to finish this story by finding out I love the bathroom floor. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. I just blacked out after you freaked out. So once I peeled Vogue off him and was like, Vogue, go home. You're acting, you're berserk. You're being completely berserk.

This is all berserk, Vogue, go home. You're acting, you're berserk. You're being completely berserk. This is all berserk, Vogue. I'm bringing berserk back. Everyone needs to calm. Alan, you're being berserk, Vogue. You're being berserk. Spencer, I'm not even going to start how berserk you're being. Spencer's the most berserk out of everyone. He is the berserkest of us all.

It has to be said. He is the berserkest of us all. It has to be said. He is the berserkest. Anyway, Alan was kind of moaning naked on the tiles on the bathroom floor because we'd had a couple of drinks, right? And I was absolutely grand. And so I shouted upstairs, are you all right? And he's like, yeah, because he was embarrassed. And then he didn't come back down and I went upstairs.

And he says he'll never forget it. He looked up and he was wanting death. He was so drunk and disgusting. And he'd taken all his clothes off and he was lying on the bathroom floor to be soothed by the tiles. And I'd poured a fresh drink and was eating a can of Pringles from the jar, just like kind of shaking them into my mouth. He's like, what's wrong with you? So he blames me when he, that like there's something wrong with me that I don't struggle like he struggles. Anyway.

The torturous feeling though, when you like, when you find yourself somewhere like the bathroom floor, it hasn't happened to me in a long time. If you don't eat dinner, it's like, that is like, I've woken up and I like,

the last time probably happened, it was ages ago in Jersey last summer. And I woke up and it was like that is like I've woken up and I like the last time probably happened it was ages ago in Jersey last summer and I woke up and it was like 11 in the morning I had never slept till 11 in the morning and I honestly felt like like I felt like someone was stabbing my eyes from the inside out I was just like it's that torturous feeling you're like how am I so ill and it takes like it takes a full two days to get over that. I haven't done that since then. That's nearly a year. I'm due one of them.

We've all been that soldier. Basically, you've poisoned yourself. Like ultimately, alcohol is a poison and you drink enough of it to kind of act a little bit berserk or whatever way you want to act. And then you go back to normal. And sometimes you overdo it. This is what happened. Alan overdid it on the plane.

And so he poisoned himself ultimately. So you need to purge it out. Where are you staying in Melbourne? The Crown is, well, back in the day when I lived there, the Crown was always quite fun to be in. The Crown?

What's that now? It's a hotel and they have like, they've basically got everything you would need there. I never left, to be honest. I just used to stay there and just like go to the cinema and stuff like that and not leave the crown.

Well, I'm staying in a hotel called the Como, which is suitable for Alan yesterday. I was going to say, suitable for the two of us considering we both went for a nap and just slept for three hours and I slept through a live radio interview. Oh, the fear. Well, you know what? You've got the jet lag

and the jet lag in Australia is like no other jet lag. It is the absolute pit. But on the plus side, you'll be fine in a week and then when you come home, you'll be absolutely fucked again. Fantastic.

Something to look forward to. I've definitely got some sort of lag. I don't know what's going on. I don't know. To this, and this is the God's honest truth, I could not tell you what day it is and I genuinely mean that.

Well, I thought it was 2022 last week. So don't worry about that. Yeah. I always get the year wrong. Who says the year? You never think about the year. Come on. Vogue.

Oh my God. I am in Australia. I'm literally in the future I know Am I right? Yeah You've had your Wednesday We're only starting

You don't even know What I'm going to do On my Wednesday And I know what you've done I'm speaking to you From the future, Vogue You've remarried There's been a scandalous affair

With you and Gordon Ramsay. Oh, yeah. No, his wife's really nice. Not him. Not someone with a wife. It's not an affair if they don't have a wife. No, I can be the affairer.

Not him. Okay, you've had a scandalous affair with Ronan Keating. Shit, he's married as well, isn't he? Sorry, sorry, sorry. Yeah, he is married for God's sake. I was in your home at the weekend

as you know. Oh yeah. Oh God. I text Joanne. Gigi Gaborg whatever her name is. Ruder than ever before. Ruder than ever.

I couldn't get over the rudeness of her. She I said to Joanne I said is she being nice to you Joanne, I said, is she being nice to you, Joanne? Nope.

Even ruder than usual. More ignorant than she's ever been. So I was like, I went up to see the one that I own, the little woman, no teeth. You're too, you try too hard with her. That's the problem.

I literally made eye contact with her and she starts screaming like I've tried to abduct her. She started doing that. Like last night we had to pre-warn her that Jamie Lange was coming over and she started having a meltdown. And she was wearing a little nightdress and she's like, I don't want him to look at my dress. So she doesn't want anyone to say that what she's wearing is cute or something. She just wants to go unnoticed in the house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She wants to go unnoticed in the house. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She wants to go unnoticed in her full length princess dress and her high heels. She's like, don't look at me. It's like, why are you dressed in drag? Like, we're supposed to look at you. Anyway, she was dressed in full drag when I saw her. She had her floor length princess dress. And these, it made me laugh so much.

So she, in my day, to get the click-clack of a woman's high heel as a child, which you wanted, you'd have to wear your mum's. Not our Gigi Gaborg. She's got her own little plastic, fully fitted heels and she's click-clacking around the house.

And I post the story going, click-clacking just like her mother. And then someone was, someone told me it's only click now. Like you didn't tell me. Oh, it's only click, yeah. They've gone very sustainable. It's a cardboard box,

very fancy cardboard box, and it just literally clicks. So if you don't have to say click, clack, do they cut your fee? Are you fuming? Is it just click now? Yeah, they cut it by 40%.

Yeah, 40%. Well, I tell you about my week. I know that you're in my house having a lovely time. You've left lots of little presents all over the place. What did I leave? Oh yeah, I left you some clothes and some dry cleaning. That happens to belong to me. There's some clothes, there's some dry cleaning,

there's a laptop cover. There was the always empty water bottle that sits at the Peloton when Joanne's used it. There was the always empty water bottle that sits at the Peloton when Joanne's used it there was a full-ish bottle of fizzy water what else did you leave

lying around yeah that wasn't it wasn't so bad and do you know what Joanne I thought it was very cute that you tried to put the stuff away colour

in the colour coordinated spots what stuff? anything you left me like that pink jumpsuit you'd put in the pink area. Yeah. I was trying not to get beaten to death by Val Williams

for upsetting her system. So I was like I actually I had such a laugh I knew exactly what you'd put where because I'm a psychopath. You are a little psychopath

so I was like I was scared. I was a little psychopath so I was like I was scared I was like oh no I was I was scared I have to go I have to work at the

I have to make it work with the system with folks' system everything's colour coordinated well will I tell you what I did this week thanks for asking you cow

so this week I went asking you cow so this week I went to Limerick and Cork yes right I was doing I was doing a job

with my mum Sandra from Mother's Day and we were working in Brown Thomas very nice people to work for I have to say Brown Thomas

that's where I got my period and I never heard anything back from them I said on the podcast oh no there's a plaque there's a plaque well I hope there is folk

there is a plaque I went in I was like ah you I hope there is, Fog. There is a plaque. I went in and I was like, ah, you just heard the pod, you put the plaque up. They actually put it up in Limerick and in Cork, but it says in Limerick, it's like, Joanne McNally, first menstruated in our Dublin store. Welcome, is what it says as you walk through the door. That's very sweet. Thank you. I'm glad you told me

that, Niamh. I'm glad you told me that, because I did think it was very odd that it didn't go marked in some way. Yeah, no, don't worry. It is marked. I won't tell you about the markings I've left on the floor right beside us just to make sure people knew what they were talking about. Yeah, as they should. But I took tea with me on his own.

And it was all going very well until everybody started spoiling the absolute life out of him. And he turned into a monster. He just wanted more and more and more. There wasn't enough people could give him. My mom was buying him presents. Ciarán was buying him presents. He did Ciarán 60 euro for a dinosaur. Ciarán took him to the shop and he actually bought him a dinosaur for 60 euro. I was like,

he had you. I cannot believe you spent that. 60 euro? 60 euro for a like he had you I cannot believe you spent that 60 euro 60 euro for a bloody dinosaur you could buy a bloody fossil for that and have an actual

dinosaur why are they so expensive so expensive but like obviously I'd never let him look at that shit because you're not

going to spend 60 euro on a dinosaur anyway so you remember when you were younger and you knew like you knew when you could really act up he knew as ayear-old that like when we were in the

middle of Brent Thomas and I was working that he could act like an arsehole and there wasn't very much I could do about it. Or on the packed plane on the way home when he started screaming, saying he was starving, also knew there wasn't much I could do in that situation. So in hindsight, we had an absolutely fantastic time, but I think maybe he was too young to come. Is he only four? I feel like he's been around forever. I know, no, he was so good. We actually had a

lovely time. We went to this place called... God, it slipped my mind now. What's it called? Where the hell did I go? Fota Island. Ireland. Oh yeah, Fota Island, yeah. Fota Island. And we went, we were feeding giraffes.

Feeding a giraffe. And I learned a few things about some animals I thought you'd be interested in. I'm not being bad, Vogue, but I've been to safari, so. Okay, well you won't know anything that I've learned.

I'm really not impressed by Fota Island. It's like the Aldi to my Chanel. Do you get me? Okay, tell me something. Tell me something about ostriches then. Ostriches.

What do you want to know, Vogue? I know everything. Go on, tell me something about ostriches and I'll tell you what I learned. They are a bird. They are girthier in the middle than they are at the top or at the bottom. They've long legs.

They put their head in the sand a lot to calm themselves down because they suffer with anxiety. And they give birth to huge Fabergé eggs. All of those things are true. They have a tiny brain

and their feathers are incredibly scobbledy up close. And they would disembell you with their legs if they wanted to. They are vicious.

Did you know that? They are vicious little bitches. You wouldn't want to take on an ostrich I'm telling you that. No, they're like the housewives of Beverly Hills. That's what I heard. They are vicious little bitches. You wouldn't want to take on an ostrich, I'm telling you that. No, they're like the housewives of Beverly Hills. That's what I heard.

They will annihilate you. And you know what I'll tell you about a giraffe? Supposedly they are always riding. They never stop. They can't get enough of it. They have to like separate the male and the female because they're just always having sex. They cannot stop themselves.

Really? Yeah. Mad for it are the giraffes. Oh, well, when I was on safari in Kenya, yeah,

where the giraffes actually live, I didn't see any of them riding. So that's, that's probably because they're, your giraffes are Irish.

They're gamey. Well, these giraffes are bred in where they are on Photo Island but I will tell you they spend their whole day eating

they eat tons and tons and tons of like vegetation that's all they do eat eat eat sounds like quite a nice life I know because when I was on safari

in Kenya where giraffes are actually from sorry where were you on safari I don't remember in Kenya oh okay okay okay cool

I watched them eat and they have four stomachs and they vomit up their food and eat it again from each of their stomachs. That's absolutely revolting. They vomit but then swallow it back down

because they just keep like kind of it's called mastication or something. They just chew it and swallow it again and you can see it rising up their neck

yes that's where I saw it on safari in Kenya in Africa Vogue Africa I love Cork so much. I think that like when they talk, they say, I know, I don't know why. I love Ireland, let's be honest.

I'm so patriotic that like, I'm actually kind of surprised that I ever married an Englishman because it's so unpatriotic of me. And I'm actually, I'm disappointed in myself. I would like to say, okay. Because I love Ireland so much. And I was in Cork

and I was like everyone in Cork is so sound we stay in this hotel actually I'm going to give them a shout out the Montanati Hotel what a nice bunch of people

what I mean do you know when you go to a hotel and some people can't be arsed at you because fair enough I can't be arsed at people sometimes

100% every single one of the staff could be arsed with everybody I've never seen anything like it with everybody. Yeah, they're sound in the Montanari. I've been there before.

They are very sound. Very sound. Well, I had a lovely time at Gork and then I finally went to the Bare by Vogue offices, robbed Ciarán blind because he has his warehouse

there as well. So I was going up and down. I went home with a suitcase and everything. I had a great time. Well, I love that you robbed your own brand. Speaking of Fair by Vogue

and I'm glad you brought it up but I... Ghosted 20 and it actually does work. Ghosted 20 works. I was doing, I've been doing a lot of press in Australia

and I was doing, I was doing Channel 10 which is kind of their breakfast. I know Channel 10 yeah they kind of syndicate their

so it was for Sydney and so I laid on lashed on the fake tan the night before wow when I say the fake tan really pops on a green screen did you see the video

I sent you yeah I did thanks a million for tagging us in that you look fucking orange oh what a great advert for Bareby Vogue not I looked

like a satsuma I know I'm saying I'm telling you now Vogue there's something in that there's something you need to make one that works

for green screen telly because I looked outrageous yeah but then you looked you didn't look that bronze when you were, like the video you took of the,

where you were swilling wine. It looks grand. It looks grand in real life. But whatever was on the green, it looks great. I don't think I've ever looked better. I look healthy. However,

on the green screen, it was absolutely terrifyingly orange. You look like an Oompa Loompa I did it was proper it was proper UCD 2002

100% you look like you're flying the Irish flag if your phone cover was white you would have been perfect green white and orange I look like kind of you know

it's one of those evening before wedding night goes wrong bride goes to tanning shop for spray tan I look like one of those stories from the kind of weird section of Sky News or evening before wedding night goes wrong bride goes to tanning shop for spray tan that's I look like one of those stories from the kind of

weird section of Sky News oh absolutely horrific but yeah I was really pleased that you tagged us in there thank you very much listen I'm not gonna

I'm not gonna lie for you Vogue okay I'm not gonna lie for you people need to see one of my friends insists on wearing ultra dark when I know she's a medium and I'm like going to lie for you. What do my friends insist on wearing ultra dark when I know she's a medium? And I'm like, please don't wear ultra dark.

I know you want to be super brown, but you don't have the skin for ultra dark going around like an absolute lunatic. I looked absolutely berserk, Vogue. Absolutely berserk. You looked berserk. Come here to me. Do you know what I took?

Okay, so I took T to the Montanati and it's a hotel. So, and I know you shouldn't be doing this all the time, but we only did like three doors. I took him knickknacking. That's not, hold on. That is not the term. What do you call it? A knickknack?

No, no, no, no. Hold on. Hold on. It's, it's, it's definitely not knickknacking. I, it's, it's, it's knickknacking in health. It's, it can't be. Yes, it is. What do you call it? Knock, knock, knocking? Knock,acking. It's knickknacking in health. It can't be. Yes, it is. What do you call it?

Knock, knock, knock. Who's there? Hold on. I'm going to Google it because it's definitely not knickknacking. We called it knock, knock ginger. Knock, knock ginger. Yeah, we didn't do that.

It's called a knickknack. What I will say is that is a game that I will play alone in hotel rooms. It is the most fun. Now, T wasn't great at it because he kept laughing out loud. Like we were mainly doing my parents' door in fairness because they were with me. But it was so funny just knocking on doors and running away.

I forgot how gloriously fun that is. I would have always been too nervous to play that game. Joanne, we're playing it when we're on tour. That's what we're doing. We're going to be like rock stars going around and doing knickknacks. Well, when I was staying in a hotel recently, we put on the Do Not Disturb because we didn't have to get up in the morning. And we were woken up with the housekeeping trying to get in at like 7am.

And we were like, oh, we put up the sign and the sign had been turned and they'd done it to Garoud's room as well so someone had gone along the hallway Stop Yeah and turned all the signs around basically saying

come on in at 7am That's kind of gas What's it called when someone knocks on your door and runs away? A knick knack Knock down ginger knock knock

Yeah it's knock knock it's not knick knack Vogue Well we call it knick knack you can call it whatever you want I'm telling you it's called knick knack Vogue well we call it knick knack you can call it whatever you want I'm telling you it's called knick knack in Houth I think it's against the law

I think you're against the law potentially I am Vogue but so are you you're now you and your four year old son are now officially on the run in Cork he I've never seen

like he had the most fun actually I have to say hanging out with kids right and just doing what they want to do it's such a simple pleasant life but I'm I'm telling you, he just wanted to do, the second he decided he wanted to do it, we had to do it then and there. We had to go swimming immediately after arriving in the hotel when you just want to sit in your arse for a minute. But anyway, we had a nice time doing knickknacks. And knock knocks.

Did you like the picture of me with my toenails? Oh my God. Like, is there anything more unfair or hideous? I was like, if I get sent another photo from the Daily Mail, a screen grab of the Daily Mail of Vogue with a load of tissues stuck between her toes from getting her toenails,

she got popped getting her toenails done. I was like, I'd never have to work again. I'd never have to work again. I'll tell you what, right? What happened was I got her toenails done I was like I'd never have to work again I'd never have to work again I'll tell you what right what happened was I got my toenails done before I was on the way to a shoot and you know if you put your feet in shoes because I don't get that uh shellac because I don't like it on my fingers like normal polish so you can't put your feet in shoes so I was like right I have to put on these revolting sandals and go out to the car and I got popped like that never when I say that never happens it literally never happens and then I walk out the car and I saw those I saw those pictures of my claws just hanging out the car window my feet Jesus it just was so horrendous

oh I have a couple of questions one has anyone ever have you ever asked anyone about the length of your toes is it normal I just don't I don't think that's normal Joanne

have you seen right when you see the feet alone you forget how large the rest of the body is and like why were you why weren't the feet in the car

with the rest of your body why were they hanging outside of the door? And why so much tissue in between your toes? It was like you'd had surgery. It looked like you'd been in the war. It looked like war bandages.

They were like tied in knots around your toes. That whole thing was just so berserk, Vogue. I just didn't know where to look, to be honest. The feet were out the door because there was a bag on the floor and I didn't want the bag just to mark my feet because I'd been looking after my nails. And do you know what happened in the end?

I went to my shoes, had to wear a pair of shoes and my toes, my toenails, anyway, all the nail varnish just jumped back up and they were ruined anyway.

That reminded me of, I was like, if this was back in the day now, that'd be circle of shame on the front of one of those magazines we used to read now magazine heat heat heat

that'd be circle of shame guess whose feet these are and it'd be like snap snap snap yeah it was quite the photo it was quite the photo I was you know the only thing that made it Slightly better was when You sent it to me

I was like at least We'll get something out of this maybe It was just There was no dignity In that at all Come here to me I don't know if you Watch the Oscars, did you? You know I don't care for the Oscars.

I kind of do. I just love the gossip from it. So, will I give you a rundown of what I thought was great from the Oscars? Okay, hit me with your news. First up, Will Smith wasn't there. Don't forget, he was banned. He was meant to present Best Actress actress but was replaced by Halle Berry Sting

oh by the good do you know what I'm thrilled so Chris Rock who he smacked the receiver of the smack has a new special

out on Netflix and I watched it and I watched it it's I don't know it's kind of a weird one but I watched the whole thing to the end

because I knew he talked about with the Will Smith slap at the end and to say it was it like it was really well done but it was of a weird one but I watched the whole thing to the end because I knew he talked about with the Will Smith slap at the end yeah and to say it was it like it was

it was really well done but it was he's very angry I mean it was very embarrassing like that is so publicly embarrassing and also he was very angry about it and he then

he you should watch it actually it's really good he talks about how it's he's like it's not my fault. Your wife is basically fucking one of your son's friends.

Like he really goes in on him and basically talks about, remember, do you remember all around that time? I'd forgotten about it. There was all this talk that Jade Pinkett Smith had come out and said that she was in a situation or something. Remember all this language? A situationship with that fella, yeah. And he was her son's friend.

And so it's all, anyway, I would recommend the special. It's It's a, I mean It's not the funniest special in the world but it's a good watch. So Angela Bassett, right? I wanted to talk about her. So Angela Bassett right I wanted to talk about her so Angela Bassett supposedly shaded Jamie

Lee Curtis when she won best supporting actress I would just like to say this is how I feel about this I don't think that you should have to clap for someone else if they won if you're up for the same award of course you're gonna be upset you didn't win you were up for an Oscar and you didn't win who cares if you didn't clap if you can even get your face from not to not sneer, you're doing well. Just a little, try and do a little smile for somebody, but you don't have to clap and be like delighted for somebody else because let's be honest, you'd be delighted for yourself if you won. I 100% agree. I think we, we love seeing the kind of the, when the mask of fake happiness slips, which of course

it's fake happiness. Do you know what I mean? Do you know the way sometimes other nominees, when they don't win, they're giving the winner a standing ovation. They no more want to stand

than the man in the moon. They're absolutely fuming about it and they should be allowed. What your box, you know the way they put you in a little box, the camera should be switched off your face immediately

the second you don't win. So you can just throw a tantrum in privacy, which is exactly what they want to do. And like spit at Jamie Lee Curtis or whatever she needs to do. She's entitled to do it. She is dead right. But like, I think you need to just do a quick

quick smile and then bitch about it incessantly after the cameras go away. In fairness though, Jamie Lee Curtis she's really, like I just, she's she's everywhere at the moment just being really sound everyone loves her I know

I didn't I didn't love her speech I didn't what did she say she basically was thanking everybody she's ever worked with for the Oscar that they all won together

it's like okay come on you won the Oscar for that certain that certain film that's enough now Jamie but I do love her Nicole Kidman

did you see Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban? They were like swallowing each other's heads and stuff. They were scoring the face off each other and they never do that.

I'd say they're on drugs. We cannot say that they were on drugs or not. I would say I would allegedly say they were allegedly on some sort of alleged drug. I mean, no one's all over

their boyfriend like that unless you're high. Come on. That is true. Well, maybe she just had a few drinks and she was doing really sexy. Yeah, she's proving something to someone. And Tom Cruise didn't go

because he didn't want to bump into her and I think Tom, come on. There you go. Come on, Tom. There you go. I don't know whether to be annoyed at him for holding a grudge or just being like,

wow, actually that's been 20 years and you're still going with it maybe I should respect that I would say I would say she's the least of his worries in fairness I'd say the aliens

told him he couldn't go Lady Gaga did you see her she performed with no makeup wearing a t-shirt now people are like why would she do that

but I thought she must be absolutely wrecked from wearing meat suits she had to get an egg for some awards show before and now she's just like I can't be arsed I just want to wear no t-shirt no clothes

and just have no makeup on. Yeah she's like she's probably passing by and she's like oh fuck I'll go into the Oscars and do a bit of do a tune. Yeah. She's casual anyway I think it's an act of rebellion I actually thought she looked great. She looks great. Well, she does look great.

I love Lady Gaga. Do you want to see what was in the Oscars goodie bags? I'm nearly done. I'm nearly done. I know you don't love this stuff. Okay, go on. 26 nominees received a gift bag. Each top nominee and director got one worth $126,000.

A $40,000 stay in a Canadian estate. Three night stay at Faro Punta whatever that is Lighthouse valued at £9,000 £7,000 hair restoration consultating

consult that's a bit rude with leading hair transplant surgeon loads of procedures including Botox laser skin resurfacing just amazing stuff

in fairness sure that's you get that shit every day oh yeah sure you do you could do any of those skin resurfacing. Just amazing stuff, in fairness. Sure, that's... You get that shit every day. Oh, yeah, sure. You do. You could do any of those collabs that you wanted to do.

You don't even need to go to the Oscars. You just pick up that call. You pick up that phone. You'll have a hair restoration consultation in under seven seconds. I would, actually. Yeah, exactly.

Your eyebrows would be down to your tits. You'd look amazing. One of the things that happened at the Oscars, did you see Hugh Grant's rude interview? I didn't watch it. I'm aware it happened.'s rude interview I didn't watch it I'm aware it happened

and the reason I didn't watch it it's not the only reason being I couldn't bear the awkwardness of it I was like I can't bring that tension

into my life I can't cope with it it is kind of a little tiny bit awkward but basically Hugh Grant was really rude by Ashley Graham it was kind of funny

like it was kind of funny because as well it was true he was in the movie for about four and a half seconds. But like when you're there you're there to be on. You've got to switch yourself on. Just don't be an arsehole.

Like if someone at your kid's school asks you something about being in The Onion or whatever the movie's called then you can be like no I wasn't. But just don't be rude to her. There's nothing worse

than when you're interviewing somebody if they give you nothing. It's like seriously why do you bother showing up? up I agree I feel like he's really leaning into that whole grumpy old man thing and like if you're there be sound like it's not her fault she has to ask you these shit questions do you know what I mean what are you wearing a suit oh come on Hugh I actually I actually saw another one with The Cure. It was very funny. They were coming on and there was like an American girl being like, oh my God, well done. Like really

upbeat and high end. They'd won an award and she was like, you must be so excited for winning this award. And they were like, well, obviously not as excited as you. I was like, oh my God, so perfect. So I was going to tell you about some other celebrities who are a nightmare.

I know you were saying about Chris Rock, whatever. Richard Madeley supposedly said that he was one of the rudest people he's ever come across. Yeah. Now, according to James Corden, so I take this with a pinch of salt. Yeah. Load on the saxo.

Load it on, like pile that high yeah you're going to get into a salt mine for this one because he said Pierce Brosnan was rude

and I'm like I don't think I don't think Pierce Brosnan would be rude I'd say he has his moments Pierce Brosnan no I refuse to believe that he'd be rude

I think anyone who has that many yes people around them, I mean, ultimately you're going to have days and you're completing an op. A hundred percent. Vernon Kaye said

Jack Black was an absolute arsehole all the times that he interviewed him. And I've actually heard, I've heard that about Jack Black. I don't know where, I could be making it up, but I think I heard that.

Well, just make it up. Just throw it in. Sorry, Jack. Sorry, Jack. Well, just make it up. Just throw it in. Sorry, Jack. Sorry, Jack. Sorry, Jack. Well, interestingly,

we both went down the same kind of wormhole this week by coincidence. But do you know who I went down an absolute wormhole and apparently one of the celebrities

who puts the hell into hello, as they say. Go on, who? Oh, I love this. I feel bad because she has passed. But it came up in conversation. She can't hear you then.

It has passed. She came back. And I do, you know, look, again, put on your salt jacket. But this, I feel this is true. Cilla Black. Oh. Cilla Black. I. Cilla Black. I like Cilla Black.

Apparently, one of the most unpleasant people in show business. Now, again, she has passed and I don't like to speak ill of the dead, but I also don't agree with turning everyone who dies

into a saint post-hummus once they're dead. You're like, oh God, they never did anything wrong. We all, you know what I mean? We're all human

well obviously she's dead you can definitely have your moments but if people are saying about you non-stop then it's like you know what you've got to pull back

you can't be an arsehole if you put Cilla Black rude into your Google search you'll be there for the night really bad stop it yeah

and apparently she was vicious on so it started apparently I know we talk about flying a lot but apparently there's this

I think it's a it's a particular airline anyway they had a kind of a thread where they would talk about their worst passengers

and in particular celebrity passengers and Cilla was the most common one and then I anyway I ended up going down this Cilla was the most common one and then I

anyway I ended up going down this Cilla Black help and they were saying remember the Chuckle Brothers yeah

well they were apparently notoriously kind and professional and respectful I like that and never said anything negative

about anyone ever except Cilla Black Cilla Black who they called a and never said anything negative about anyone ever except Cilla Black Cilla Black who they called a Oh my god

you'll have to beat that word out beep that out beep that out we don't use that word here Do you know what I feel like well we do we do

we're not allowed Joanne uses it privately I feel like especially when people are rude to people in the service industry it's like why do you think that you just are, like,

I used to get it as a waitress. People would be so viciously rude sometimes. And it's like, fuck you. Is it bad that we're calling Cilla Black a c**t when she's dead?

We might have to think about that one. You didn't call her a c**t. Those fellas did. Exactly. It was the Chukka brothers did. Now again, allegedly, this is,

I'm going down down weird threads here, the weird Reddit threads, but yeah, apparently she was viciously problematic, as they'd say. Well, do you know what? Jon Hamm, Harry Styles and Demi Lovato, according to Kathy Griffin, said that they were all horrible. She wrote it in her book.

Stinger. Getting called out. Now I can't imagine Harry Styles would be, I don't know why. I just don't think he'd maybe because I fancy him are you saying that he's not sound or he said

Cilla Black wasn't sound no Kathy Griffin said that those three weren't sound John Hamm Harry Styles Demi Lovato

and obviously what's her name ah you know her Ariana Grande she's meant to be terrible no no

I refuse to believe it you see the truth is everyone has off days. You know what I mean? Everyone has an off day. Everyone has an off day. So I saw two very interesting things online this week. Davina McCall, you know Davina McCall?

Yeah. Very, I will say about Davina McCall, very nice person. She knows everybody's name, really, really sound to work for, to work with. And she actually got me a meeting with a management company when I first of all worked with her, which I thought was very kind. Another great thing about Davina McCall she claims to be able to orgasm in her sleep thanks to a wellness book

which is all about female anatomy imagine that you're just like getting off in the middle of your sleep well is that

Avina is that is that sorry do you also have that superpower is that what you're trying to tell us?

It's happened once or twice. What? Yeah. Like a wet dream for a woman. Well, I've had sex dreams before, but I wouldn't say I've had an orgasm in my dreams. Have you had an orgasm in your dreams? I've, well, I've, I've, I've, yeah.

Okay, well, we would like you to elaborate. I'm just wondering what, I'm just wondering I'm just I'm just trying to calculate what this is going to turn into and how much my mother how much my mother can handle but yeah I've worked

yeah I've woken up with the pleasurable throbbing stop the lights were your hands down your pants or no no no hands free

hands free that's why she likes she likes a medium to hard pillow Joanne Hands free, hands free. That's why she likes a medium to hard pillow, Joanne McNally. Nothing, nothing. Hands free. It's usually when

I haven't felt human touch in about a year. But yeah, sometimes it just goes, do you know what? Fuck it, I'm doing this myself because you clearly have lost interest. Step aside.

Yeah. And one of my friends orgasms when she runs. She's always running around the place. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah she'll be doing an ultra marathon next yeah

something about the friction of her legs yeah yeah yeah yeah she'll be coming up hills and all amazing oh my god

Emma have you ever orgasmed in your sleep I don't think so we're missing out this is bull I'm going guys I have to go I have to go to bed

I'm gone I'm going to sleep it's nap time for mummy Nap time Yeah it's Pop pop pop pop It's happened to me A couple of times yeah

That's very interesting now Yeah I feel like we're missing out So Davina McCall Now she's not one to tell lies So I did believe What she was saying Oh yeah

Like that's Oh yeah Davina doesn't lie Absolutely not I know And then I saw it I saw it as Because it was They kind of shaded her

And how they reported on it they were like Davina reveals bizarre sexual trait or something which made it sound like she but that's that's happens

people come and they're safe that's what happens they're saying it's bizarre they're just jealous they're jealous like that's that's an amazing thing to be able to see

did you see what Rachel Bilson said I did tell us that was quite interesting Rachel so she was the girl on, what was it called?

What was that TV programme called? Ah. The really famous one, Laguna Beach, no? Yeah, no, not Laguna Beach. Oh, you know, Emma, what was it called? Was it The O.C.? Orange, The O.C. The O.C.

So she was on The O.C. She's the little brown haired one, the gorgeous one. She said she didn't have an orgasm from sex until she was 38 years old. I think I know what she means. Well, do you know what now? No, no, 38, no.

No, I mean, as in, but I'd say what she means is as in like penetratively rather than digitally fingery or whatever. Do you know what I mean? No, I know, but I do think that you have to be. Yeah know what I mean or like no I know but I do think that you have to be

yeah but I think oh I hate that word I hate it too it's obviously hideous I do think that you have to be wound up a little bit like one of those little things that walks along

you do the twisting you have to be twisted up a little bit and then you can have sex and then it will happen after that can't just like yeah

someone has to be turning yeah you have to turn your own key a little bit. And like, honestly, that's why. Yeah. Yeah. I understand what she's saying, I think. But like, I would be the same now.

It takes, that's not an easy thing to do now in that particular. I'm sorry. Alan's asleep in the bed. Is he snoring? No. How can he sleep with the sound of your voice

like penetrating all the walls? The bloody noise of you. And me talking about coming in my sleep. I'm like, yeah, I travel in my sleep. Yeah, I travel. The lobby of travels. It's traveled before. It's traveled in my sleep.

He's waiting for you to go and get back into that bed and go to sleep so he can watch it. Wriggle around in pleasure. But yeah, I saw that Rachel Bills thing and I was like, I understand

because a lot of women do struggle to orgasm in that, like that. It took me ages as well. Well, yeah, of course. There's other ways of arriving

but that way is difficult. But like you say, you need to be wound up. Yeah, that way alone I don't even like it. Like a toy cart. Yeah, that way alone difficult but like you say you need to be wound up yeah that way alone I don't even like a toy cart yeah that way alone

unless you've been like abstaining for a long time it would be hard to do it with just that way alone I feel like I'm trying to talk about sex in front of my child so I'm using all this kind of like

PG language and stuff but it's it's my human partner Alan who's in his 40s I don't know why I'm talking like this fair do you know what though I did love that she came out know why I'm talking like this fair do you know what though I did love that she came out

and said it yeah yeah yeah yeah because do you know what as well I love that she did as well because sometimes you can feel like you're a complete freak because you're like

especially you know the way like women in porn or women in films and a man just basically like looks at their clit and they're wriggling around in his serious

that is not it takes concentration and it's hard work. It's like reversing a car. You have to really think about it for it to happen. And you have to keep your head in the game.

You can't think of anything else. Don't think about what you have to do tomorrow. You've got to think of the task at hand. Basically, you come with your mind. Yeah.

We're like your man, Bending Spoons. What's his name? Uri Geller. David your mind. Yeah. We're like your man bending spoons. What's his name? Uri Geller. David Blaine. Oh. We're here trying to bend spoons with our mind. That's literally what we're trying to do.

Precisely. Men are so simple that you just tug on them for a bit and they ejaculate. Piece of piss. Oh, God. Stop. Sorry, girls. Sorry, sorry. I read some interesting news this week also.

Come on, what was your interesting news? So there was an article floating around this week that there was 18 female guards arrested for having intimate relationships with the prisoners in the prison. 18, and I assumed it was 18 across the country. It was in one prison, 18 of them. It was Britain's biggest prison.

And I think that's where they send all the rides. I'm not sure. Oh, listen, I'm in defence of these women. I'm like, girls, firstly, office romances, they happen all the time. Sorry, I'm just reading here. One of the women was sentenced to eight months behind bars

for having a relationship and sneaking in a phone. And she was sending photos of herself and all. Now, I had a look at, I looked at the lads and I, I, I like, I obviously,

I'm attracted to hooligans as we know. Yeah, it's right up your street. And I'm telling you now, I'd be I obviously, I'm attracted to hooligans, as we know. Yeah, it's right up your street. And I'm telling you now, I'd be in that, I can't say I'd do anything differently. Honestly, I know. I know you wouldn't be able to help yourself. It would be 100% you would be in prison for eight months. Romance happens in the workplace.

That's what happens. That's where people fall in love. And what else are you going to do? And like, those men, you can rely on them. You know where they are they're not going to fucking cheat on you I mean it's not great though

like you're going to prison for something so stupid they're wearing those sexy outfits oh god the sexy outfits now women do end up marrying men

that are behind bars some women marry men who are like in life for in prison for life and they marry them it's bizarre so did this woman

marry Charles Bronson? Did she? Oh my God. She was having a relationship with him anyway which is kind of strange. I thought I was married to Charles Bronson.

Slag. You wish. There's all these websites where you can like intentionally meet a prisoner. Now obviously these women aren't supposed to be riding them because they're supposed to be

looking after them or in charge of them or whatever. But there's all these things like loveaprisoner.com and like inmate passions and all this where you could choose to write and just pretend to yourself your boyfriend lives in a gated community

and you just write to them for years and years and years. It's just completely bizarre. I told you about that time that our CSPE teacher made us write to this man on death row and we were like collaborating with a man on death row when we were 16. It's absolutely insane that that happened. If that happened today, your teacher would be in prison with that prisoner. Like you just can't be doing that.

You can't have 16 year old girls writing to a prisoner. Like what were they thinking? I know. But anyway, so in this prison, they're basically saying when there was this kind of investigation into it, the prison basically came out. They're like, look, yeah, we know it's not ideal. And the reason we think it's happening is because these women were kind of interviewed over Zoom and there's not a lot of time to find out what they're like. And they're kind of too sensitive and they're being groomed by these prison guards

they're being groomed by these prisoners and I was like there's a thin line between grooming and seduction isn't there like they're

they're saying that they were kind of brainwashed and groomed like they were seduced they were seduced your prisoners are too good looking

remember your man who uh his yeah do you remember your man yeah the do you remember your man yes I do yeah the guy with the blue eyes and he ended up going out

with that billionaire's daughter yeah he got the daughter the Topshop the daughter of Mr. Topshop yes yes Philip Green's daughter

he was that criminal who got a present yeah and he was such a right that his like his his mugshot went everywhere

he's famous his mugshot went viral. He's famous. His mugshot went viral, which is the opposite of what my mugshot would do. Mother of God, I had a photo taken at one of those passport control places the other day. I nearly cried.

I was like, who is that gargoyle? It was disgusting. I know you've been spending time with Spen if you're starting saying gargoyle again. Spen out. Spenny. An out to Spen out. I watched the documentary.

Oh, it's great. It's fabulous. An O to Spenno. I watched the documentary. Oh, it's great. It's fabulous. It's very, very good. It's so good. Yeah, it's absolutely brilliant. He comes across so well in it. And you come across so well in it. Oh God, I can't bear watching myself in that.

But you know what? The thing about it is, which I said to Spen, like, I just feel like, because Mike was so young when he died, so he didn't really have too much of a legacy outside of his family. I just feel like because Mike was so young when he died so he didn't really have too much of a legacy

outside of his family and I feel like now that like you want everybody to know how amazing your brother was and I feel like everyone now kind of knows

Mike a little bit and it's it's quite nice everyone keeps mainly saying he looks like Otto and he does oh my god that was the thing I was gonna say to you

do you know who I thought baby Spencer looks like? Gigi. Oh, poor Gigi. God, you're really having a go at her today. No, it's that like really kind of cute French vibe. And Jane, his mother speaks so well in it.

I just thought the thing was so, and it's beautifully made. Oh my God. Like how many drones did they use to get, even the scenery and the landscape it was brilliant well thank you Joanne

I will pass on the words he'll be thrilled Mike imagine doing Everest at 21 I haven't even done the fucking Wicklow Way in really 40 I know

I know but he just loved doing stuff like that and he wanted to do Everest and he went and he did it yeah it's an amazing film very moving

brilliant film brilliant 10 out of 10 it's an amazing film very moving brilliant film brilliant 10 out of 10 it's on Disney Plus if anyone wants to watch it or Hulu in the States I would give it a 7 but I really enjoyed it

no I'm kidding 10 out of 10 10 out of 10 thank you very much for listening everybody are we done? yeah you will have no idea how hard this pod

was to record Very hard because do you know it's just hotels it's like they don't want you to like use their internet

so hotel internets are terrible but anyway Imo's gonna have a real shit show putting this together and I can't wait to listen Imo

This was proper me like dialing up fucking trying to get online, like the hell. This was very 2001. It's just the Wi-Fi in this hotel isn't great. So I'm sorry, Vogue. I'm sorry, Imo.

And I'm sorry to the listeners. I'm sorry to the listeners. Anyway, I'm off to watch how your affair with Ronan Keating plays out in the future because that's where I am. Okay. Bye, everyone.