My Therapist Ghosted Me - Barriers, Sneaky Paps & Babyface Knees

Episode Date: July 15, 2022

It's a delayed upload week... But WHY? Well, because Vogue is on holiday and fancied a Thursday evening record, so it's late... BUT, Vogue had a couple of drinks, so it's well worth it! This week, topics range from paps to the Kardashian's (shock) and get ready to hear an actual MTGM argument.If you'd like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThank you!

Hello and welcome to My Therapist Ghosted Me with me, Joanne McNally and herself, Vogue Williams. Sorry this episode's a little late, we were a little late getting our shit together. Vogue's pissed on our holidays. Let's be honest. I just want to be transparent to people, be authentic. Joanne, you Joanne excuse me okay anyone here

who's not drinking say I'm not drinking yeah I thought so look at that spot on my chin honestly it's one of those ones

that like my chin has now changed geographical shape because of this spot and it's so painful but as much as i attack it

nothing happens one of the i i had a similar situation recently with the spot i know this i'm talking about alan again i had that i've mentioned the itis no point calling when peter now we all know he's alan jig is up yeah but i was just i was just being cautious because i didn't know if it was going to be a thing so you you kind of just, it's a thing now. Fake IDs. It's a thing now, sure, yeah. But anyway, he was like,

you look great. And I was like, I don't, I said, I don't look great. He goes, well, obviously,

there's the elephant in the room. And I was like, excuse me? I love when someone puts you on in their place. The elephant, the elephant in the room.

Do you know I have a spot because I'm fucking oh no I'm not going into it but anyway because you're stressing me out no but I was like then later on

in the car I was like I'm going to say on the podcast you come and spot the elephant in the room and he goes I think I was quite nice

about it actually it's huge where is your spot mine's honestly mine is so painful and every like I cannot

stop attacking it like no matter what I do I'm like I have to it's torture do you know what I did tonight now this was I had not had a drink I swear on my life I had a drink so we're using my mom's car so we have to do a couple of runs because there's like a big group of us and I got overexcited so I was at the top of their apartment block and they have a security little hut there. And they have those things that go up and down the doors. They're like electric, like gates. Yeah.

Up and down the sticks. They're just like a long stick. And I stopped to get my package. And I got sent this package and it was a dress I really loved. I was really excited. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was really excited about getting this dress. An influencer's job never stops.

I'm starting. It's 24-7. No, it's really bad. I actually have to tell my mom this before tomorrow because otherwise she'll hear it here. So I got a package delivered to the house. It was a dress I was really excited about. And I had dropped spending and stuff off.

I was going to collect the others. So I went up to the gate where there's a security hut and barriers, just like single arm barriers. And I stopped at the barriers barriers which they had open for me but I was like oh I'll stop and get my package so I jumped out got the package

shoved it in the boot and then I saw someone was behind me so I started to panic because I don't want to leave her waiting so I jumped in the car barrier's still open drove

one barrier was not still open but I but I opened it permanently you drove through you drove through the barrier and obviously because it's so Thelma and Louise of you

I'm so impressed to infinity and beyond straight through the barrier straight through I'm so excited it's a really nice dress I'll send you a picture tomorrow I know what kind of dress it is it's going to be a floral wrap around

there's no new information there it is a netted neon you are going to die that's exactly how excited I was so straight through the bar I went and I would like to say I like Spanish people I like them a lot

oh no Jo I'm nervous they started giving out to me naturally and I was like can we not just like push it back I was like it hasn't come off

it's just bent the wrong way so I was like let's just we'll push it back and they're like no no no no no no and I was like

okay I will pay for it just please don't tell my mom is the car damaged no the car is absolutely perfect that's the least of my bloody words i just don't want to listen they could tell my mom i don't want them telling neil but anyway i just said i'll pay for it i'll pay for it and they're like freaking out they're like don't touch it and i was like i can just push it back like it's not broken anyway off i went but the

time i got back it's back in place i guarantee you they're still gonna whack a massive bill on my feet even though it looks it looks better than it did before actually they probably thought you're like you know kind of an out of control drunk tourist yeah yeah exactly it's because I'm with Spencer they think I'm like Brits abroad yeah yeah yeah yeah we're Irish abroad Sunsea and A&E that's who they think I am but that's why I had to come I had to come home and have a drink to calm myself because I was like I have to build up the courage to tell my mom

more so Neil I'll tell my mom and then she'll tell Neil I'd love to see you on Banged Up Abroad I'm surprised I haven't been there I know

you're like I collab with cocaine companies it's a collab it's a legitimate collab listen I didn't do anything I actually do you know what

someone sent me something today of this some weird diet gummies of like how to lose all this weight and they'd just taken a video

off my Instagram completely dubbed over me talking about doing these diet gummies and I had to send it to my

management to try and get it taken down I don't I don't endorse diet gummies by the way they don't

work that's not why we don't endorse diet gummies Vogue we don't endorse diet gummies, by the way. They don't work. That's not why we don't endorse diet gummies, Vogue. We don't endorse diet gummies because they're unethical, not because they don't work. Well, they don't work. Correction corner, correction corner. I once jumped on that. Remember years ago, the skinny tea came out.

I jumped on that bandwagon. And I know you don't like talking about toilets, but I didn't leave the toilet for a very long time. And that is why. came out I jumped on that bandwagon and I know you don't like talking about toilets but like I didn't leave the toilet for a very long time and that is why it's a laxative of course that's what it is yeah and laxatives laxatives do nothing for weight loss it's a cod thing it literally dehydrates you just like I say that hot yoga does hot yoga will do nothing extra for you except dehydrate you sorry yeah no you're probably i don't know it's good that intense sweating that does do something for the mind though but it it does do something for

the mind i think no i yeah it makes me want to crawl out of my own skin i once got kicked out of a hot yoga class actually in hoth this girl this absolute bitch in my class told on me twice for like i thought i was gonna pass away so I was like I was like is it meant to be like this is it meant to be so hot slipping all over my mat I was like get me why did she rat on you what were you doing I was just talking I was I was expressing how awful I felt yeah yeah yeah no it's really tough I used to do it when I was deranged because I thought it was like maximum weight loss but I went back as a sane person I was like I might start doing class again just because I remember it was being good for the head and it's so hard I was doing Bikram it's so tough and then COVID kicked off and of course Bikram classes are like

COVID cesspills so well I have had a very interesting couple of days. Oh go on. I know. It's actually so like honestly when I saw that I was like oh god there is like I do feel quite sorry put it into context

put it into context I do feel quite sorry for myself considering this is the first break I've had on the tour and now I can't do anything

but basically I hopped out of bed and there was I stood directly, like directly on a gin and tonic glass. I'd like to say I smashed it on a Tibetan meditation bell, but it was a glass of gin and tonic. And I wouldn't like to say I told you so, but you never clean up after yourself.

I know. I need to start using my, the message here, I'd like to think the message is don't bring gin and tonics to bed. The message is use your side tables, girls. Use your side tables. Use the side tables.

Exactly. Like, Joanne, when you told me that and I saw the pictures on your Insta, I was just like, like, we've all stood on a plug and there is no, there is no worse pain unless you decide to stand on a

glass. But it was the confidence of the stand. It wasn't like, oh, what's that? It was like, oh, oh my God. And of course the room looked like a crime scene. The blood was like spraying out of me and all. But anyway, we wrapped it in a towel and hoped for the best

so I went back to bed as I kind of just slowly bled out oh god you went back Joanne there's something I was actually I was actually shocked

by how much you got it dressed in the end but like this is obviously how it started by ignoring it of course of course I ignored it

Alan was like I think you should go A&E and I was like I am in my hell going to A&E and I was like I am in my hell going to A&E like I couldn't think of anything worse

I've one day off I'm not going to sit I'd rather lose the leg to be honest I'd rather lose it than spend my day in A&E my phone's not charged

I'm quite surprised you haven't my phone's not charged I'm not going down anyway then of course I got it I was so grateful

to Sean this is why you need um aesthetic people in your life so Sean is a nurse he works out of works out of um uh Balaam doing Botox and stuff so he does my Botox sometimes and I was like get the retinue can do and he's like come down so the doctor in that clinic saw me and he stitched it up and then of course I didn't. How many stitches? I don't actually know in the end. Did you get the gas and air? No, there was no gas and air.

Oh, no. I think it was about 10 stitches. Oh, God. No gas and air. They don't dole out gas and air for everything. I have more stitches than me than you have. And you've had three kids, you bitch. I would like to point out, right,

while we're talking on this subject, I have not, and this does not mean I have a bucket vagina. I have had not one stitch. I know, you tell me all the time when you're drunk. I know. Yeah, and I show you, I show you the birth. She shows me. It's her party trick.

I'm like, look, I can squash my nose down to my face. I have no cartilage. And Vogue's like, you've got no cartilage. I've got no stitches. Three kids. Three kids. Not a stitch in sight.

Just slipped out into the night. Didn't even notice. So anyway, I'm hobbling around. Obviously, I'm on crutches now because it's on the base of my foot.

So like there's, you know, you have to let it heal. You can't. I tried to stand it and the thing burst so I had to go back down but

oh god oh no I know honestly it makes it gives me goosebumps thinking about it it's just and I'm due to fly to

Portugal on Friday and I'm in the middle just before we recorded the pod I was literally on Gatwick airport trying to see if I can get help

I'm going to be one of those people in the wheelchair skipping the queues actually Joanne you actually are on to something there well I kind of have to I have no way. I'm going to be one of those people in the wheelchair skipping the queues. Actually, Joanne, you're actually, you're onto something there. Well, I kind of have to.

I have no way because I'm flying on my own and I don't know how I'm going to physically. When I did my knee in, you have to get someone to help you because you cannot get,

and Gatwick is absolutely massive. It's great for an old queue jump, but like, you'll actually need that. Oh yeah, sure, I can't push, I can't be on crutches and push the

I'm going to have to strap the suitcase like To be honest I never imagined you as a crutches person you're more of sorry the slight slurring is because of the drinking Why would you pick your microphone up? Put your microphone down. She thinks I hate she's drinking

she thinks she's a comedian now look at her. God Well I'll tell you about that one time. Anyone in from the Americas? Gina actually and I came to the same conclusion and I had thought this and then Gina goes, Joanne would really suit one of those scooters that you put your

knee onto and you don't, like you just have that vibe about you, you're not a crutch girl, you're a scooter girl. you're not a crutch girl you're a scooter girl I'm not a crutch girl and sorry respect to anyone on crutches they're really fucking hard to use so I'm standing outside I was standing in the middle of Notting Hill today on my crutches I had to take a break I just was I'd you know I'd done three I'd done three scoots and I was taking a little breather and this woman drives up beside me in her mobility scooter and she's like are you okay did you hit your right so I sat on her knee and off we went

up through portobello road stopping by pizza east for a slice she was like you okay? It was kind of like, you know, one a mobile woman to another, you know. It was a real like, it was a real moment of camaraderie there. Have you got a gang? And I said, yeah, I'm grand. I said, I just, you know,

getting used to it. She's like, what happened to you? We were chatting about it. And I said, to be honest, I'm going to get a mobility scooter. I said, I'm going to go full Katie Price. And she was like, you can't get a mobility scooter it's illegal

unless there's something seriously wrong with you it's like you haven't seen the base of this foot you have not seen the base you've not seen what I'm dealing with so she was like no no no you can't get a mobility scooter it's against the law she said my friend tried to pretend he'd broken back got stung using a mobility scooter I said what happened to him and she was like he's arrested he went to prison what I did you go to prison for that? That's so embarrassing. I remember there was a woman in town years ago. I remember reading about it in the paper.

I thought it was so funny. She kept breaking the speeding limit. Basically, she was taken off the road. She was banned. Her mobility scooter. She was driving up O'Connell Street at 80 miles an hour. And she was completely out of control. And they were like, gave her a word.

In fairness, they're too slow. They're too slow they're too slow well I don't know what speed this woman must have had what do they call that thing when you add an extra engine onto your motorbike

I don't know why I'm asking you Jo I don't know anything about that she obviously kind of put a spoiler on the back of her mobility scooter

whatever an extra an extra one of those things that come out the back Jo that make the noise exhaust exhaust

she must have put a couple of extra exhausts on her mobility scooter. Anyway, she was speeding around like a daredevil and they took her off the road. I don't know what happened to her.

Well, you know what, actually? People on those electric scooters, they're not meant to be on the road. They're bloody all over the road. I know, yeah. They get away. I saw this guy, right? And he goes,

I've seen him loads of times. He goes through Bodicey Park. So not only is he on the electric scooter, he's got his son on the front of it and then he's got his kid in one of those baby carriers. And I'm like, dude, if you fall off that.

That's so dodgy. So dodgy. But the other thing is I can't get the foot wet now. So I can't shower or anything. Well, you're lucky that you don't have smelly feet disorder. So like if that was me, like I'd have to rinse the foot every day.

You can't. It's smell. It's bandaged up. You can't. But I'm just taking it to a new level. I'm like, I'm not brushing my teeth. I'm not allowed. It's dangerous.

Could affect the stitches. Is that why you didn't brush your hair? Sorry this episode is a little late today Jo's lazy of an usual No come on I'm joking Jo we're teasing but I'm not redoing it

that's what we were going to have to do She's after getting herself some disco coaches I got the leopard print ones when i did my knee in great company actually coolcrutches.com they actually sent me and honestly when i had like when i did my knee in the crutches are so crap and ugly you're just like i don't want to go around with them and now i miss my leopard crutches. And what ones did you get? I got the disco ones, look. I would have had you down for a leopard crutch.

No, no, no, no, no. I'm sick of leopard print. I'm over it. That's actually lovely. It's a really good idea. Cool crutches. Yeah, it's how it is. Cool crutches.com.

Thanks for sending. And they're not that much more expensive than other crutches. I tell you what's no crack. Being on your own and landed on crutches or just being on your own in general like I can't get

I'm gonna have to get I can't get anything around the house I can't even bring a cup of tea upstairs I'm gonna have to get one of those barrels around my neck

like a Saint Bernard to store things in yeah no you do you've got it like you have to get one of those cups that like you close

with the tea there's loads of different tricks you can do I've never felt more alone I've never felt more alone and I've never felt more alone. And you're going away with Alan next week?

No, I'm going to be with my friend, Nikki. So I'm going on my own. Don't be getting sand in that foot now. I know. Okay, Joanne, will we start talking about our week now? That was part of Joanne's week. Well, that was a pretty big event in mine,

to be honest. Well, I'm on my holidays, right? Yeah. And I'm having an absolutely great time. But do you know what. Well, I'm on my holidays, right? Yeah. And I'm having an absolutely great time. But do you know what I do when I'm on my holidays? Before I've even left, I start getting really worried about going home. Because I'm like, I'm loving my life so much over here. That like, I don't want to go home and go back to the real world.

Because I literally get up in the morning. Oh, we met these friends, by the way. They came down by the pool. And they run a fitness camp here. And I know people think that i'm a loser that i'm training on holidays but i love going to train for an hour in the morning at this fitness camp i'm on my own it's the only time i don't have three children hanging off me and it's the best time ever one of the guys chris he uh he has done a ted talk about like all about how amazing

exercise is for your mind, body, soul, blah, blah, blah, everything. He's really sound. And the woman who owns the house, Sue, is absolutely gas cracked. That's why I'm drunk now. I went to Sue's house by an accident. I was only there for 45 minutes

and I left drunk. What's the name of the, are we, what's the name of the retreat or whatever it's called? Ham Rock Retreats. And it's, they're really, really good trainers. So we've been hanging out with them a lot i've been hanging out with the kids a lot one thing right and this sounds very um unrelatable but i got popped the other day right and i have to say i do enjoy i enjoy a calipa fresa when i'm on my holidays

right we don't do calippa fresas in London. Do you want a strawberry clippa? Yeah. I speak in Spanish now because I've been here for so long. Hola. Sin herida vogui.

Gracias. Gracias. So I've been drinking, eating my strawberry clippos, walking along the beach, Amber, myself, and Megan eating strawberry clippos.

I'm the only one that they, they cut everyone else out. I'm there walking along sucking my strawberry clip-o like you know when you're getting to the end as well

and you're like literally chugging it's so undignified but the thing about the paps here is they're so fucking sneaky

it's so annoying so we're at this place today and I told Amber to stop tagging everywhere we went because I was like you're the issue you are why they're finding out where the where we are stop tagging and mentioning what level you're what's that drink called coffee what's that coffee cup espresso martinis yes

she likes to rate them and tag everywhere she is that she has one and then the paps turn up but now I've decided that the people who run the beach clubs are sending the paps there because today we were on the beach and like, they couldn't be more obvious. It's a man lying under an umbrella.

They have this huge big black bag with them. And I mean, the camera's quite a giveaway, but you don't notice that straight away. But like, but,

oh, their camera shit. They're so sneaky over here. They literally, you see them peering out of bushes and stuff like I don't mind it in London

but here the sneakiness really annoys me and now I got popped today so I'm literally on the this is probably why

I'm drinking because I'm like oh god no one wants to be popped in their bikini in the whole entire world I don't care what you look like not even Jessica Alba

wants to be popped in her bikini. And I'm like, having a nervous breakdown waiting for the pictures. But there's nothing even better. That's not nice at all. That's like,

do you know what you need to do, Vogue? You need to do what all those Love Island people do, where you just bring out your own photographer, take the photos and sell them off yourself. And then you get to control the photos.

You can have a ring light, you can have a backdrop. And no, no strawberry calipos. Yeah. Calipo fresa. Well, today I today i have a plan right so he was there today and tomorrow i'm going back and i'm going my cousins are coming over so we're like we're we're going drinking proper drinking tomorrow so i'm deciding i'm gonna wear the exact same bikini the exact same hat and the exact same sunglasses so then no one's gonna want to buy the exact same pictures and the exact same sunglasses so then no one's going to want to

buy the exact same pictures so i can do whatever i want that's smart i'll buy them yeah you buy them just for your own personal collection anyway that was the only bad thing about our holiday but we're having a great time it looks like you're having a ball i have to show you one thing that she found on the ground right you know when you buy shit magazines in the airport that you love so she found a magazine on the ground and peter andre in his old um mysterious girl days is sitting front and center and she goes who that who that we were like well that's peter andre i was like do you like him yeah i was like would you like him to come over here yeah so yeah she's into peter andre why wouldn't she be he seems like a lovely man.

He does seem like a lovely man. I know that you were upset earlier in the week about Arthur. Oh, so Jo, did you see this, right? So,

she's unbelievable. Vogue, was basically, Vogue basically gaslit me into thinking that I actually mattered in her life and that I was going to be

Otto's godmother, which I'm, I'm now handing back the title. John! I'm resigning. So, turns out she has two... Now, hang on. I'm going to...

Listen, he's really... He's really come into his own on this trip. I'm going to send you... I am about to send you a picture of him. Stop trying to sell your child to me, Vogue. I thought I was his number one godmother. I'm not. I'm part of a gaggle of godparents.

She has two godparents per child. I'm surprised that guy who took a shit outside your door isn't the godfather to Gigi. Go and look at that picture of what you've just turned down. That's it. You're out. You are finished. Everyone, I'm looking for a new godmother for Otto.

Join the gaggle. Join the harem of godparents she has per child. All you were was a surrogate for my child and now you've fucking handed him out to everyone in your life. He's got 28 godparents. All I will say to you is you are very lucky

because he's only got two and two. Theodore has four and two. What? Yes. Theodore has six godparents. Do you want healthy competition right you need to up

your game this isn't the hunger games Vogue this is just it absolutely is tell me about your godparents

I only have one nice godparent the other one was shit I have two well one is sadly passed and my auntie breathed so I have two

all our family only have like two godparents a man and a woman a man and a woman a man and a woman it's all very conservative I know but it's an English thing to have more than one and it's also an English thing you're not really meant to have your siblings I'm just telling you a bit especially I needed to put a bit of pep in your step right I was quite put out by it I don't even know if you've held Otto yet I think you might have held him once I haven't been he. I haven't been around.

Every time I'm down, he's busy doing something else. Joanne, you've got to pick up your game. He actually said to Megan the other day, he's only three months old. And he actually looked at Megan. Wow, how advanced he is. All my children are advanced. He looked Megan in the eye and he said,

Megan, I love you. Where's Joanne? You're my favourite., I love you. Where's Joanne? You're my favourite. No, he said, where's Joanne? And I said, oh God, he's already noticed she's not right. It's just as an adopted person, I found it very triggering. Do you know what I mean? My mother found me in a basket in a phone box.

And I just think it's a disgrace. He's going to be spoiled. He's going to be spoiled. As somebody who grew up in an orphanage. I was in an orphanage until I was 11, mopping floors and cleaning windows, folk. Okay. This role really meant something to me. And now you've taken it away.

Mopping floors and cleaning windows. She was literally, she's the apple of her mother's eye. That's why when I went into my mum's house, I walked in at 11 years of age. And I started mopping and cleaning the windows. And she said, the apple of her mother's eye that's why when I went into my mum's house I walked in at 11 years of age and I started mopping and cleaning the windows and she said you don't have to do that here

this is your home this is your forever home yeah so now you've ruined the biggest role of my life that's what I was telling everyone I said

don't mind the stand up don't mind the Netflix special don't mind anything Otto's being Otto's only godmother was the best and biggest role of my life

and it's gone now people need to be informed people don't we forget you're a snake they forget that you're a snake I'm not a snake I think everything

you have a face like butter wouldn't melt they forget that you are a snake a snake on the make you're a snake on I think everything. You have a face like butter wouldn't melt. They forget that you are a snake. A snake on the make. You're a snake on the make. I am telling you. 68 godparents per child.

It's a lot of communion money. All I'm saying to you. Oh, exactly. Exactly. I'm taking it. I'm taking at least 10% of that. Chris, generating that chest. What I am saying to you is nothing like a bit of healthy competition.

So now you're nervous, right? You've seen Megan's been here. She's been all over Otto. So when I get back to London, you are going to be over like a hot snot and you're going to be bringing him a new dinosaur hoodie.

You don't want him to wear Theodore's old one that you got him. Otto's going to get his own dinosaur hoodie. You're creating a hostile environment. Okay, all I'm going to say to you is People are going to be glassing each other

at that christening. It's going to be carnage. John, if you really pull out of this, you are going to miss the best day of your goddamn life, right? At the christening. Yeah, it's going to be the best day of your goddamn life. Well, you'd want to make it worthwhile because there's going to be like 90 of us going there

trying to put water in the baby's head. We did Gigi's way too late because of lockdown and she had an absolute meltdown at the priest. I think she might have hit him. Fair enough, fair enough fair enough I was definitely walking at my christening were you?

I think I was serving drinks yeah I was walking around I was I was genuinely walking around I was christened a couple of times I think with the first child like with Theodore we got him christened

at like three months then with Gigi we kind of were like ah god and then with Otto god knows when he'll be christened I was christened I think

as an illegitimate child they can't take any chances so they christen you a couple of times just to make sure oh they have to they have to I'm sure they knew

you'd end up in purgatory so they really had to give it a good go Joanne I will tell you why right thank you yeah no

back off he's not no, back off. He's not yours anymore. Back off. You're not coming to the greatest christening of all time, you dirty little bitch. This little girl came up to me about our pod, by the way. I was at the beach club and she came up and she was so cute and she was kind of shaking a little bit.

She was like, I love your pod. I listen to it all the time. And I was looking at her like, Jo joanne she must have been about 13 i've never felt so ashamed her parents need to be arrested that's a disgrace oh the first thing that came to my mind was the porn away at myself i was like oh my god she's like hey it's nice to see your hands where we can see them that's all I thought I was like oh my god I am so ashamed yeah there was girls at my limerick show who were who were 15 16 and I assumed their because their mum was with them and I assumed their mum had brought them with their mum because their mum was kind of my age maybe a bit older and she was like no they brought me oh my god you forget we we're gonna

have to I was like I'm totally happy to accept my role as your drunk aunt that's my role in their lives I was like yes I love that it would be an honor one of my breast pads just fell out I'm having a great night I'm thinking again so I sweat so much on stage like it's it's but I don't even bother wearing it deodorant anymore there's no point it does nothing but I was thinking of getting these

I was thinking of getting little sanitary pads and wearing them as yeah Joe Swash does that he wears does he yeah

you just wear little panty liners yes I'm going to have to wear panty liners on my armpits the glamour of it all well I mean there's nothing worse than seeing a sweaty pit

I'd wear the panty liner Spenny like he gets really sweaty pits there's actually a treatment you can get I went into this guy I got my face um electrocuted as you do and it was very painful actually but it's a good treatment but anyway I went in and he was telling me that he basically his main thing is treating people for over sweating so he does like some kind of injections that like he stops but like I feel like if you're not sweating there the sweats going somewhere else yeah you're supposed to sweat it's bad for you not to

sweat you need to sweat it's good for your glands speaking of doctors I was in with Ewan today our fave do you know what I'm getting done do you remember do you know the baby faces in my knees me and Ewan is we're going to try and get rid of them first of all can I just say

you're a snake actually speaking of snakes right you keep going and doing all this fancy stuff without me and then I have to

run along to you and after you and try and catch up what are you doing with your knees basically I'm a trailblazer Vogue okay this is what I'm saying

Jo I do all the treatments then Vogue checks rings me after to see if I'm still alive and then she books in for it I'm the one taking all the risks here

that's actually what happens yeah it's like what did she get done there I go into you and I'm like why does her face look like that I want to look like that and he's like okay yeah but by the time they get to you they've already learned I was getting resuscitated on the table for 20 minutes they're like we fixed all the flaws we'll have vogue now so I have a condition called um baby

faceitis in the knees and basically when I stand straight it there's so much fat collected around my kneecaps that they look like the face of a child now Now, I'm not, I mean, I'm aware that there's bigger issues going on in the world. What are they? I'd like to hear them. This is a pretty big one. I reserve the right to be concerned about my baby face.

The eye doesn't need it. So I was saying to you, and it's a man that you can do. And he was like, sure, look, we'll give it a go. And I just go in there now and he bangs around with his tools on me and there's something Anthony can do and he was like sure look we'll give it a go and em I just go in there now and he bangs around with his tools on me and we see what we can do

but em but Eoin's like a like he's a proper he's like fixes people's like literally he's a surgeon 100% a surgeon

yeah like an actual actual surgeon he works in a hospital he's like a full on when we invoke at 45 we're both gonna get a facelift and get our faces swapped on

so I'll be wearing your face and you'll be wearing my face and I'm really excited for it it's going to be like face off it's going to be great yeah Spencer won't know what the fuck is going on

exactly so I was like what are you going to do so he's like I'm going to do an ultrasound so you can do this ultrasound thing where you like where like it kind of dissolves the fat

and I was like oh my god an ultrasound on my baby knees I was like I can't believe this I was going around showing everyone everything I stuck it to the fridge

and then he put profilo in to kind of try and anti-wrinkle you've got profilo on your knees yeah baby what yeah

this is what happens I was about to say when I'm single I'm not single but this is what happens oh my god my knees are so wrinkly when I look at them they're hideous this is what happens when you about to say when I'm single I'm not single but this is what happens when you're oh my god my knees are so wrinkly when I look at them

they're hideous this is what happens when you're child free you have the time to obsess about how disgusting your knees are no do you know

I hope I'm sending out a healthy message to twins either Ewan's going to help me get rid of them or I'm going to be giving birth

in about nine months time at my ankles twins or I'm going to be giving birth in about nine months time out my ankles twins do you want I saw this thing online right and it's about

like okay first of all how often do you wash your bra oh Jesus I don't know it depends really like I would say like i could do it like every four days sometimes yeah i kind of wear a bra and then i get bored of it i throw in the

wash basket i don't have a real system i know supposedly you should be throwing out your bra after like 25 washes well considering we don't have a tip between us it's not like it's doing a lot of work so i'd say we get away with more we actually just need cami tops yeah but like you're supposed to throw them out every 25 washes this woman was going on

to TikTok saying how you should do your brows I thought you were just going to call it TikTok guys as this goes on I'm getting progressively more drunk

are you drinking? I've only Joanne I have a very low tolerance. I've only had two drinks. This is what happens. Sorry, speaking of a low tolerance, you've got a low tolerance. When I went into Sean, so the second time with the foot, he had to clean it, right? So he was cleaning all around it, like with this kind of, I don't know what it was, some sort of gel stuff. And it was really sore.

Yeah, but they should really give you, like, that's why you need gas and air for something like that. I'm not just making that up. They don't give you it was some sort of gel stuff and it was really sore yeah but they should really give you like that's why you need gas and air for something like that I'm not just making that up they don't give you gas and air for that but anyway and then he it was really really sore

he was kind of poking the cook because he had to it was really sore and then he was like I've got an alcohol wipe here because he was like I can't believe

you're jumping around so much it's really sore and then he goes I'm going to have to put alcohol on now this is going to really hurt didn't even flinch your body just felt at home

how is that not sore and I was like literally it's like it's like I'm wearing an Ugg boot I've never been more it's so comfortable I've never felt more at home

such is my immunity such is my alcohol level in my body that it was just like I have no level for alcohol honestly two drinks

and I am two sheets to the wind you're very lucky I am lucky in that sense actually I'm a cheap date yeah so we're talking about the bra then I want to ask you

one more question right because I actually just did this recently because I did a podcast about with this girl and she said that she went through her knicker tour

and threw out all her knickers after six months all her knickers I have some knickers since I was like, honestly, 15. Yeah. No. Yeah.

You don't. Like, but Vogue, you. Jo, have you seen Vogue's knickers drawer? Probably not a question you want to answer. No. No. No. It's a no.

He's like, no comment. I'm like, what the hell are you guys doing behind my back I actually had to go through brainstorming I thought you were brainstorming that night so

Vogue's knickers are colour coordinated aren't unfolded no no lie so the fact that you have knickers from when you're 15

like I would believe it because they're so well looked after they get vacuum packed in different seasons oh god I do my very best

but everything ultimately ends up grey everything doesn't matter what colour they start everything ends up grey stringy although I did

I used to be big into I used to spoil loads of cheap knickers it is something as I've grown up I've started kind of spending money on underwear

I wouldn't spend that much money on underwear though there's a level oh yeah I'm not talking yeah I'm not talking about dropping 500 quid in a bra I just mean

you know I actually had to throw out about 30 pairs because they were so embarrassing that like actually when I when I had set myself the task I was picking up

and looking at them and I was like that's actually really embarrassing I had to get rid of them so I got rid of about 30 pairs and the knicker drawer was still basically full. Sometimes you need to see your knicker drawer

through the eyes of someone else to realize how in bits it is because you just become blind to how in bits it is. You're just like, oh, whatever. Do you know what I mean? I've been wearing these knickers for 30 years. And I have to be honest, I find myself in nude underwear more than I'd like.

I think the Kardashians have made nude underwear sexy again. Sorry, I interrupted you there. What was your hot take on the bra situation? On the bra situation, my hot take was you need to keep bras for as long as you can because you have to be good to the environment. And who throws out bras?

I genuinely do get concerned about all that fast fashion shit. I'm not just saying that. It does concern me. I do feel guilty. I feel guilty. I wish I had the energy to do Depop. I wish I could, if I sold my clothes, I had the energy to do Depop I wish I could

if I sold my clothes I wouldn't feel as bad about buying other clothes well I will tell you I did this thing that re-liked and um they basically did a deal with me where they took on my charity partner and so all my clothes go to them which my friends hate and they basically give money to charity what I will say is I'm brutal at returning clothes. Like whatever comes in the door, whatever size it is, I have to make it work, which means I could be using an extra small Nike bra as a hair bobbin for a year

because I bought it. I haven't the mental, I haven't, I'm not mentally robust enough to change it. I can't deal with post offices. If anyone is a size eight and new balance shoes, I've gone way past the return date and I would like to send them to

you I can't it's literally like three months over now I can't even go in and be like oh sorry I was away like it's too far gone if anyone wants those old granddad shoes that everyone loves I will send them to you because it's it's just too far it's a great shot if anyone wants an umbro size 10 tiled jumpsuit romper I want that it's not a good it's not a good fit to for our bodies to do you know what sorry

it's not Umbro it's Fila got it at Urban Outfitters not great put it in a bag to return never did obviously so now I'm gonna have to

make it work it's toweling material so I can cut it up and make it into face cloths that actually sounds right up my street though unless it's gonna give me a big Camille toe

I'll send it to you Or a neon Why don't you have a neon? I just thought maybe this was more discreet Well it's definitely not discreet Your disco crutch Another thing That came up this week Right

Khloe Kardashian I know I always Bring up the Kardashians No but it's a bit It's big Everyone's talking about it I mean You're allowed

Did you hear about this show No So Khloe was going out with Khloe has a kid She was going out with This guy a kid she was going out with this guy Tristan Thompson is it Tristan Thompson? Tristan Thompson yeah.

Absolute dog. Tristan Thompson cannot keep it in his pants he literally is going around impregnating women

like every three days he's got someone else knocked up. I know. Chloe didn't know and in the interim so she had a baby with him

and then she obviously got in her head that she had a baby with him and then she obviously got in her head that she wanted another baby but she wanted it to be the same baby daddy so she was

so they've done it by surrogate and in the meantime she found out he got someone else pregnant like he's out of fucking control

how much semen does this man have he oh god do you know what he should be cut off by the way he should be like taken off the semen train.

But what I will say is right, because I love the Kardashians and Khloe being one of my favorites. I think that like she always wants another kid. And although it's absolutely heartbreaking what he did, at least she's getting her other child. Oh yeah. No, I think it's fine.

I do. I think it's fine. She got a lot of shit for it, but it's so, it's so, what was I going to say? Functional. Like, it's fine I do I think it's fine she'll get a lot of shit for it but it's so it's so what was I going to say functional like it's not like they

it's not like she forgave him and they made sweet love on a rug she just literally took his sperm had to put another woman she wants his genes not his love

well she wants DNA I know yeah she wants a sibling for her daughter and that was her whole thing but I don't like I remember Kim Kardashian

said that she had to have a baby by surrogate there's literally no judgment whatsoever but like does Chloe then have to have did she just not want to get pregnant but if you've got the money like it's no more than you you outsourcing your laundry would you not outsource your birth I would I know I love giving birth you know I love you're a weirdo I I have to. Well, I've had, I'm sorry, but like I've had nice experiences. I do not love being pregnant. I have honestly never felt worse than like, I feel like I have norovirus for like 40 weeks.

It's so horrific. But then I think the day after giving birth, people are like, why do you, why are you like this? And I'm like, because I actually feel like a normal human being for the first time in 40 weeks and if I could if I could give birth for people I would because I love it so much it's maybe the gas and air I don't know that maybe that to me sounds like you're saying you love having given birth as in you love that the process is over are you saying that you love actually giving birth I love the whole day of giving birth. I feel like everyone's so kind to you. Everyone really looks after you.

You get so much gas and air. It's literally on tap. You get like nice epidurals. You watch movies. There's nothing else you can do in the day. You just have to concentrate on giving birth

and watching movies. That's what I did. Did you not go shopping for La Cruz coffee cups or something? Oh my God, it was honestly, that was the worst part of the day when she sent us out for a walk

to get things moving and I thought, no, no, no, this is not part of my birth plan. I'm not going for a walk and then Svenny dragged me into La Cruz looking at yellow plates.

I don't want yellow plates. I don't want to freak, I don't want to freak women out. I actually, I had a website before which I can't get my hands on now't want to freak women out I I actually I had a I had a website before which I can't get my hands on now where it was like

really bad pregnancy stories because I think I don't know what I think I think you've proven to me time and time again you have some sort of

magical vagina I don't think that's a common occurrence and I've had friends give birth where they were like ripped

from one end to the other they just didn't have a great experience so I think you either have a really good pregnancy or a really good birth and my pregnancies have been horrific and I'm telling you now if I could just this is my ideal way of giving birth someone wakes me up in the middle of the night they're like you've given birth the baby's here and I'm so disconnected from the in the middle of the night. They're like, you've given birth. The baby's here. And I'm so disconnected from the process. I'm like, what baby?

And they're like, the baby, Joanne, that you're having via surrogacy. I'm like, oh shit, yeah, is it here? And they're like, yeah, the baby's here. And I'm like, shit, where is it? Bring it in, bring it in. And then the baby comes in and that's it. The baby's there then.

I don't want to know. I don't want to know the details. I'm not interested in the time it was born or the star sign, anything like that. I'm just going to outsource it. The baby's there then. I don't want to know. I don't want to know the details. I'm not interested in the time it was born or the star sign. Anything like that. I'm just going to outsource it. Joanne, your birthing story sounds remarkably similar

to my death story. That's why I want to die. Someone's going to shake you, wake you up like you're dead. Yeah, they'll wake me up just for a split second and say, by the way, you're dead. You're dead now.

It's all over for you. And then I'm just dead. Yeah. Perfect. That's what I and then I'm just dead yeah perfect that's what I want just I think just outsource it outsource it why not

outsource the death and the birth thank you so much for listening to this episode and again really apologetic about Joe and his laziness because he just didn't

get his shit together I put on some extra Vicar Streets. Oh yeah, the usual. Like, the usual. You know, Birmingham, please stop. Please stop this abuse. Stop trying to make a show out of me. You've made your point.

You've made your point. Please stop trying to embarrass me. I'm going to need to be tap dancing on the street outside Birmingham trying to get people to come in. Bye.