My Therapist Ghosted Me - Beep-Beep

Episode Date: June 11, 2021

This week, find out how difficult it is to get rid of Joanne at a house party, what Vogue's been up to on her second week in Ireland and whether or not she'll get a taste of her own medicine when she unveils the Spoofer of The Week! Subscribe, enjoy and leave a review!If you'd like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.com

Welcome to My Therapist Ghosted Me with me, Vogue Williams, and 282 miles to my east, obviously I didn't know that, it's Joanne McNally. Will you read out my bit because I don't have my script there, I'll just say my own name. Okay, it's the podcast, well I do it in your way that you do it yeah it's the podcast that works oh hang on a second hang on a second Jo it's the pot um it's the it's the podcast that works on the basis of saying something before you've remembered that it'll actually be heard by hundreds of thousands of people on today's podcast we have ass shots glued baby heads and hope who the hell knows which way east and west is? I always find that weird.

People are like, oh, it's just north of here. I'm like, yeah, that could be literally, I don't know where that is. It could be up in the fucking sky. I know, I'm the same. It's like the Google Maps. It's like, go west. It's like, if I knew where west was, I wouldn't need Google. I'm not a mountain ranger.

Yeah, like, I don't want a compass. I just want you to tell me where to go. And do you ever be on Google Maps and you start walking one way and it's like ah shite the other way I can't use them it's so it's so annoying the iphone maps is much easier than the google maps for some reason google maps just make it that little bit harder I do think it's a lot of pressure on us it's like if we knew where northwest it sounds like we should be like licking the moss and smelling the wind it's like I don't know how to get there no but I don't even know where Dublin is in Ireland am I like no wait never I'm east I'm east you do know where Dublin is yeah it's east I just told you yeah and London's

also east yeah geez maybe I do know did I tell you about my geography exam am I leaving no I just feel like you didn't do your leaving sir but you did obviously I did so anyway went in you could choose half the curriculum so whatever it was I can't remember what was it waterfalls and fecking stalactites or whatever it was so I just I may I took a gamble and I I studied like half the stuff and just took a big gamble on it. Went in, nothing that I'd studied came up. Like I literally, I felt like my insides were getting tasered. I was like, oh no, what have I done? Next thing, the school starts filling with smoke.

Oh no. A pyromaniac junior cert student set it on fire. We were all evacuated. Yeah. Had to reset the paper, studied the other parts got an A and so my mother to this day is obsessed with the fact

that she thinks I'm sort of a savant at geography and when I was going to college because you know I just studied geography I was like mum it was an absolute jam fest that I got an A in geography

but I remember standing outside the school and everyone was trying to put out the fire or whatever the fire or whatever. The fire that you were delighted about? Absolutely thrilled about.

Like it was like, it was the only time in my life I thought maybe there is a God. And this lad leaned into me and he's like, oh, is it pyromaniac junior student? And then he goes, he's adopted. As if we all just arrive with like cans of petrol and lighters as adopted kids and just set fire to shit all the time. Anyway, sorry,

that was me telling you that I'm excellent at geography and a bit of a jammy bitch. You're good at geography. I was really good at English and I was very good at art. Maths. Were you?

Maths, I might as well have done foundation, honestly. I'm really good. I know my multiplication really well because one time because my stepdad have you met my stepdad

yeah you actually got on with him Neil I love him he used to be completely bonkers and he asked me something of my times tables and I didn't know it

three hours he sat me down at a kitchen table and I had to write them out and I'm so fucking ask me something ask me a times table eleven times

no eleven sevens is too easy nine fours four nine 36 36 see did we discuss my times tables and my marching rap tapes did we not was I not telling you this because whenever if I do make it on cats does countdown does cluedo does fucking hamsters whatever the show's it's the longest named show I've ever heard I'm borderline numerically dyslexic self-diagnosed but my dad god love him rest his soul I think I knew I was when he drove him into an early grave because I just couldn't do maths and he was so frustrated about it so my dad was like Neil to you he would hammer them into me but anyway gave up because I was so shit but he bought me these cassettes where you could wrap your tables oh god

nine times nine and they were like in a marching band and all I was using them up to like it was inappropriate go on what's nine times nine Joanne I've no idea

I don't know get your money back for those tapes right I've no idea maths don't make it I just it doesn't make any sense to me we'll get Neil

Neil's going to come to London soon and he'll sit you down and we'll get you you'll know all your times tables I'm so impressed if anyone can count their own change I'm like

how can you count your own change I'd say I've been short changed so many times in my life and I've no idea I just don't care do you know when you don't care but you see Vogue

the thing about you is you're actually quite numbers I do I am not imagine trying imagine trying to do Ginoni don't care But you see The thing about you is You're actually quite Numbers I do I am not Imagine trying Imagine trying to do Algebra or something

I'm not numbering I only know my multiplications Because of Neil Being a savage Savage But honestly Anyone who can do Like if you can do

Fraction Like that Even being able to Multiply a fraction I'm like That's like That's Rubex cube shit to me I don't know what a fraction is I don't know I'd find out You don't even need to know multiply a fraction, I'm like, that's Rubex cube shit to me. I don't know what a fraction is.

You don't even need to know what a fraction is. You're a hell woman. You don't need to know what fractions are. Fuck fractions. I don't want a fraction of anything either. I want the whole lot. So I don't need to know about a fraction. We're greedy bitches.

We don't want fractions. Actually, do you know what? That was a nice chat about numbers. I feel quite intelligent after that. Ask me one more. One more. Go. Seven eights.

Ah, that's not fair. That's too hard. 56. Is it 56? You're asking me. I don't know. Hey, Siri. Hey, Siri.

What's seven eights? Wait. If it's 56, I am. I'm going home. I quit the pod. Oh my God. I am. Good girl going home. I quit the pod. Oh my God. I am. Good girl.

An actual, see you later. I'm done with the pod. I'm so impressed. I'd need an abacus to count my own fingers. Tell me about Ireland. Give me the lowdown. Well. I'm just going to let you know, right?

And you know, I'd always be honest about my kids, but Gigi is very advanced. Here we go. She's very advanced. she started crawling and she's not just crawling she flies along the ground now right doesn't matter that she started late because she's better than every other child that has ever crawled she looks like a robot the way she goes it's so weird she's always going after Winston she's obsessed with Winston but I fell out with her this morning to be honest she woke me up at 10 to 4 and wouldn't go back asleep till about quarter past five and Amber storms down to the kitchen right this morning after she woke up a quarter to eight the lucky bitch and she comes into the kitchen and she's like folk do you realize that she just can't self-soothe by the way so when you just leave her crying i was

like amber i didn't actually leave her crying i went downstairs to get calpo about 40 minutes after she woke up so i had to leave her there for four seconds amber's not able for it but no but like what child can possibly self-soothe like she's she's usually so good. She's very advanced. My fear is I watch people trying to teach their kids how to walk. And I actually, because of my overactive nervous system, I just wouldn't have the mental headspace to watch a child fall over and crack its head open. Like I've seen kids, two of my friends, their kid cracked their head open. One of them needed staples and the other one they glued part of its head back on. Oh, God.

Like a paper mache arts and crafts baby. They glued it back together. But you know the way they're always falling over and stuff. I was like, why don't they have little helmets and gum shields and shit? Well, I swear to God. Now, I'm not saying she's advanced, but she is. So she actually doesn't do that. She doesn't headbutt the floor

Theodore because remember he had a really double sized head he always did but I think his head just fell on the floor because it was so big I just wouldn't be able

I just honestly wouldn't be able for it I'd like you'd need to teach them to walk down you know the bowling alleys with the little inflatable things up the side

for safety I don't know how you do it I'd be a nervous wreck if I had a baby I'd be constantly checking it was breathing at all. Yeah, but everybody does that. And then I gave her the Calpol at 10 past four this morning and I was like, oh God, that's probably been sitting in there for over a year now. And I was Googling how long until Calpol goes off. I was like, I should have checked that. Whoops. She slept till seven though. So it was great. I'm pretty sure Calpol is like the cockroach of meds.

It's got so much sugar in it. Like that will outlive Cher. That'll outlive Cher and a nuclear war, it's like. They bloody love it. Love Calpol, of course, because it's just like, it's like liquidized sugar. It's like, it's basically red wine for babies, is what Calpol is. No wonder I fucking loved it. Theodore will see Gigi having it and he's like liquidized sugar it's like it's basically red wine for babies is what calpol is

no wonder i fucking loved it theodore will see gg having it and he's like i need calpol and i'm like no you don't he's like no i need calpol oh my god theodore loves harland so much i brought him to the beach the other day and i put my feet in the water we were only going paddling and it was absolutely freezing so i didn't want to put my feet in the water he's going in and out of the water and his boxers loving life his boxers do babies wear boxers well he has little pants he has little pants boxers that he kept trying to but he kept trying to whip off and it just didn't seem like the beach was a nudie beach you know when I see babies in bikinis you're like wrong it's a no from me someone brought Gigi a bikini like as in like a bikini to wear when she was like two months old and some parts and I'm like

like I can't put my kid in that I can't do it like us wearing a bikini is a big enough joke because we've no tits but putting it on it putting on a two-month-old child is just ludicrous it's like putting little tassels on her nipples and all why would you try and sexualize a two-month-old child is just ludicrous it's like putting little tassels on her nipples and all why would you try and sexualize a two-month-old baby it's a no from me zero stars I don't think that you could even do it like I just don't think that I remember actually do you know when I was younger and it was the only time I ever felt embarrassed I think I was only 11 and I used to just wear bikini bottoms into the sea and And then one day, Lino Hanlon's brother Shane arrived on the beach and I was so embarrassed to get out of the sea. So I stayed in the sea for like hours freezing because I had no bikini top on.

And that was the day I think after 11, you can get your child a bikini top. I think kids come out and I think anything, if you look at it really, as in what kids are capable of doing and this whole survival of the fittest thing, anything before 12 years of age is premature. Like, why don't they stay in until they can survive themselves? Aren't we the only animals that can't do anything for ourselves until we're about 18? It's crazy.

Yeah. A giraffe comes out and starts walking. Well, they all kind of do. But you know what? I had a doll until I was 11. And then at 12, I was drinking one of those two liter bottles of Bulmer's. So it literally goes from one to the other straight away. I'm pretty sure I was still drinking and playing My Little Ponies at the same time.

That's not even a lie. I'm pretty sure there was a crossover. How embarrassing. I think the Venn diagram of toys to booze for me, there was a huge chunk in the middle that was the same. How embarrassing. I think the Venn diagram of toys to booze for me there was a huge chunk in the middle that was the same. How embarrassing.

Look at you on your maths. Back to maths. She's now mentioning Venn diagrams. That's really clever. Where are you? Me?

Yeah. In London? In your house? In my house, yeah. I thought you were going to Grimsby. You're being a lazy bitch. That's why you didn't go into Bloody Global. There's no free studio.

Oh, yeah. Jo, you're going to need to sort that out. I don't think he can just... I don't think he can remove breakfast bars. Jo, Jo, it doesn't matter about heart breakfast anymore. Kick them out. Joanne and I need to use the studio at a certain time. The way I can't leave house parties, I just won't leave them.

Yeah. It's so embarrassing. Like, I just won't leave them. Where have you been? I was out in my friend Susan's at the weekend. And they rang me a taxi and I still wouldn't get into it. Oh, no. Everyone was like, we're going to bed now. Susan's at the weekend and they rang me a taxi and I still wouldn't get into it oh no everyone was like

we're going to bed now they all left and I was still sitting there and then I said to Susan I was like you're one of my best friends you know the way I love doing that

yeah and she was like nah that's nice your taxi's here shouldn't say it back bitch so now we have to wait now we just wait how long it's like sex in the city how long does this you have an expiry date so now we have to wait now we just wait

how long it's like sex and city how long does this you have an expiry date on these kind of things she has to say it back within two weeks or I'm going to have to

cut her out of my life I think so I'm just I'm very sad to hear that you said that to her because I feel like now you say that to everybody well in London really

I'm very limited with friends so I'm really trying to branch out she lives out east as well oh that gives me the fear thinking of you having to go home in a taxi on your own at like five in the morning when it's getting bright. Oh! That's, I think, why I didn't want to do it.

I was like, I'll lay down here on the ground. She's like, get out. Oh, my God. What I need to do is bring a camp bed with me to house parties because I get really needy then and I don't like leaving. Yeah, I know. You are kind of hard to get rid of. I always just go to bed.

I'm really hard to get rid of. I'm really, really hard to get rid of. I won't leave. I'm like an ice sculpture. I just sit there and melt for like seven hours until I dissolve completely. And then that's it. I've no one to come home to. This is the thing.

I'm trying to like, who am I going to spoon? Fucking the old plug hair from my ex-boyfriend. I've no one to come home to. This is the thing. I'm trying to like, who am I going to spoon? Fucking the old plug hair from my ex-boyfriend. I have nothing to do. I know. I don't really like, that's what's annoying about Spencer giving up the booze.

Like I'd rather he was there to like wallow in self-pity with me and just like, he's like, the other morning, so I went drinking the other day in Hoth. By the way, I didn't have a hangover

and I'm pretty sure it's because of the air in Hoth is different to London. But anyway, and like he was just like kind of, I went drinking the other day in Hoth by the way I didn't have a hangover and I'm pretty sure it's because of the air in Hoth is different to London but anyway and like he was just like kind of I went to bed and like three hours

later he was getting up I was like oh I'm so disgusted with myself makes you feel worse about yourself I have a lot of guilt yeah I went and got

chicken wings and I'm just sitting on the couch stuffing wings into my face while he's been off playing 18 holes of golf and like living his real life

is there any more from Ireland there's loads more from Ireland right I had my anniversary with Spencer stuffing wings into my face while he's been off playing 18 holes of golf and like living his real life. Is there any more from Ireland? There's loads more from Ireland, right? I had my anniversary with Spencer. I only saw him for a part of the morning and then he had to go back to London and I went into town. It's so nice going into town in Ireland. Like, do you not miss it?

Well, I'm going back in a couple of weeks. What? For what? For work and obviously because my mum's got the double vax so I'm going home to touch her up basically. Oh my God. I haven't touched my mum. How long are you going home for?

Going home to molest my mother. A week and a half. I'm going to be licking her face and everything. I did two nights in South Oath Theatre last night. The name on the board? Joanna McNally. Joanna McNally. How could they do that?

I think I'm being trolled. What did you say to them? I didn't say anything. A girl who was at the show saw it and sent it to me. So they have these chalkboards outside the rooms saying what shows are on you know like basically your name in chalk

instead of lights Joanna I think you should just change your name to Joanna it suits the English better Joanna's name unbelievable anyway

my week I did my two nights in Soho and then the next day I was doing a preview in the Bill Murray in Camden mostly I all I did this week was really nap and drink and cancel some plans.

But I woke up in on Sunday with my phone ringing from the venue going, are you on your way? Like you're on stage in half an hour. What? So as we know, taking a nap, it's a bit of a gamble. You don't know how it's going to go. You don't know if you're going to wake up rejuvenated or wake up like a zombie. I slept it.

I don't know what happened. I just, it's like, napping to me is like meditation, but it's like more engaged meditation because you don't actually have to think about anything near sleep. I don't know why. I don't know why. I think I've just started. I don't know if it's, I went to New York three years ago. I think I'm still jet lagged.

I think I just haven't recovered. I think it's like long jet lag or I'm transitioning into a Spanish person like Hilaria Baldwin. I don't know what it is, but I cannot get through the day and night without napping. How long did you know?

Maybe I'm going through the change. So to say I panicked, like chowing the CBD oil in the tube so that i wouldn't have a panic attack i don't know what the cbd oil shit does but i've been spraying it into my face like it's going out of fashion it's good is it does it work am i stoned what am i i don't really to be honest with you i just feel like i think it works you're trying you're meant to do three squirts that's the extra strong one they gave you i do it all day it's like it's like water to me i drink it no it's too much it's too much and you're not meant to drink it you leave it in your mouth for a minute and then swallow am i

i don't really understand how it works that's why you're napping so much oh my god i never thought oh my god is it because i'm drinking a liter of CBD oil a day Is that why I'm napping You're literally dulling yourself down You're having too much CBD oil Joanne that gives me the absolute fear What happened about that concert Concert

That is so funny that you said concert Because someone actually messaged me saying Is there any tickets to your concert And I was like I'm not Celine Dion My concert someone actually messaged me saying, is there any tickets to your concert? And I was like, I'm not Celine Dion. My concert. I want to go to Joanna's concert. Joanna McNally's doing a concert in the Bill Murray on Sunday.

And come here, did you make it? That gives me the absolute fear. Like I could think of nothing worse. It was, I was, I was only 15 minutes late in the end, but I went in, they were all sitting there waiting. No. Yeah. worse. I was only 15 minutes late in the end, but I went in,

they were all sitting there waiting. No! Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just ran on. I ran onto the stage and just started. Oh my God. And did it go well?

I said so. I was like, you know, you gotta trust the process of the napping. It's not always gonna work out for you. Yeah, Joanne, there's a thing on your phone called an alarm.

If you just go into that clock there, you can set an alarm on your phone and if you'd stopped pull back on the cbd oil it's too much i find alarms quite triggering at first just wake up naturally like instinctively yeah because you're good at doing that i'm bringing you after this i want to know what you've been up to i know you've been up to something i haven't been up to anything i haven't been up to anything just napping and drinking the usual how much drinking though i know you're on the petty yesterday was that a guilt belly or was it just a no i'm hammering the palliative at the moment i'm absolutely delighted i think i'm getting a bit of definition

in my leg. Just one leg though because I'm lopsided. So, another one takes a while to catch. And I started doing a bit of training with John Belton,

your fella. Excuse me. Get your mitts off John Belton. He's mine. He's training me. For the first time in my 35 years of life, I looked in the mirror

at my legs yesterday and I didn't hate them. I swear to God it's the cliff walk it's the cliff walk this is a really depressing conversation to have though because you work out

three times a day so if a woman like you cannot be happy with your legs listen have you seen my mum's legs I cut them off her and I even found myself

looking at poor Gigi's legs and I was like oh God I think Gigi has my legs oh no she's got the Cassidy legs you need to put her on the peli

get her on the peli right now start with healthy habits weigh her start pulling her in her calorie deficit get her on the peloton I pulled her back

I'm only giving her half milk half water now my mom's coming home tomorrow we don't talk about Zandra because she doesn't follow me do you remember

here watch this I actually have control of her Instagram account you ready go look at your phone I don't want her to follow me I don't want her to know what we're talking about

too late I'm going to follow her I'm following you you ready I'm not going to I'm not following her back block her gonna follow her i'm following you you ready i'm not gonna i'm not gonna i'm not following her back blocker so spenny and i are married three years now and i think that's that's definitely my longest marriage

yet so it got me thinking i love your optimism fingers crossed it got me thinking about celebrity divorces also because I was I was stuck in the DM as I do all the time the Daily Mail website and I was looking up I don't know if you've ever seen so Phil Collins who's kind of like you're mad about Phil Collins he's amazing he's got like the best music ever his ex-wife has been going for him for ages, months and months and months. And it got me thinking about celebrity divorces. So she got $46.68 million off him and she still won't leave his gaff in Miami.

And she started saying all this awful stuff about him that he stopped sharing. Like imagine calling somebody out for being a smelly bastard. That's too far. I'd say there's a bang of depression there. Like he looks pretty haggard. Like he just, do you know sometimes you can tell

when someone stops looking after themselves that there's a sadness there. I know. Do you know that way? You can't tell the whole world that someone's smelly. I just think it's so bananas that you can go from loving someone to literally despising them

and trying to rinse them for all their cash and then slagging them off saying they don't shower i know saying they don't shower is the worst like theodore i have these slippers i've had to throw them out because every time i wear them if i'm reading my book he's like mommy your slippers are smelly that just reminded me of that no she got a shitload of cash off him she got married to somebody else and then she still won't get out of the gaff

and then she called him smelly and said he was incapable of having sex that is so mean I know it's pretty low that is so mean I always thought

you dealt with your divorce very well because you didn't really say a huge amount about it no I think that's the best way to be.

Jesus. I think so too. There's no point. You just, to be honest, I think you should just move on. Everyone just leave with their own stuff that they came with, get divorced quickly and be done with it because it's the most annoying thing.

I'm just glad I got Winnie in the end. I'm sure that you're living in a utopia. Like I think marriage is a way of basically owning half someone's shit oh don't get me wrong I own half as many shit now he owns half my shit though so how does it work then is it say for example if I married a rich man but I was also rich how do you figure out who's entitled to what I think it depends on how long you've been divorced listen to this one Jeff Bezos had to give his ex-wife 38 billion how much do you wish you were I want to be married to him and then divorced you'd be raging I just don't know how I would deal with that if I felt it was the money

I'd earned myself and then I had to give half of it away I just don't know if I mean at the moment I would give them what would they get one nightcare max in a box of tampons I just don't know I mean at the moment I would give them what would they get one nightcare max and a box of tampons I don't own anything but eventually I plan to own something it just depends

I don't know how they work it like with my divorce we just kind of went our separate ways and did our own thing and just took our own stuff that we went in with

so it was a really easy divorce but they're not all like that it depends on who you're dealing with. What about like Kim and Kanye are going to get divorced soon?

She doesn't need any of his money. Now Britney Spears and Kevin Federline right he gets 20 grand a month off her and he wants 60. He doesn't think 20 grand a month is enough. What would you be spending

20 grand a month on? Also I suppose if you're used to this really lavish lifestyle then you just assume that you're entitled to this really lavish lifestyle then you you just assume that you're entitled to maintain it. People have their spouses assassinated like I actually went I actually. How did you even find someone to shoot someone? Gumtree there's a lot of hit men on Gumtree, eBay. I had a little I was looking at like vicious divorces yeah well now obviously one of

them is my dad tried to get my mom assassinated which standard like men love I think if they just don't like the paperwork of divorce they're always trying to kill their wives yeah you're walking down the aisle next minute they're burying you in the garden there's it seems to be a natural progression my ex and I separated before the divorce. She agreed to watch the dog while I found a new place. She had the dog put down instead. Oh no. Had a client hide Ziploc bags of ground meat

throughout her house. In air vents, the attic behind water heater, etc. I think it was at least 20 to 30 bags. That took months to find all of them.

Oh my. That's clever though. That was a clever idea. This is someone else. She racked up over 150k in credit card debt. He died of a heart attack from the shock.

Oh God. This is another one. My client fell onto what was now a bed of broken glass covered by a thin cotton sheet. Oh my God.

It's basically people, you go from wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone to wanting to kill them. Jesus your life with someone To wanting to Kill them Jesus Well anyway

We'll have to see How long do I have left? Well I I think celebrity Showbiz marriages Usually there's like a 10 year It's a 10 year deal 10 years

I'm gonna be Usually celebrities Are just too attractive To stay monogamous I think that's the problem Oh I don't have to worry About that with spend then I'm granted

we'll last a bit longer yeah divorce seems a more like reliable outcome as in so many of them

end up in divorces I'm kind of embarrassed that I haven't had any marriages yet have you been engaged? no you clearly know if I've been engaged

at any stage I mean I did wear my ex-boyfriend's dog tags for a year after we broke up but I was 12 that at any stage I mean I did wear my ex-boyfriend's dog tags for a year after we broke up but I was 12 that's the closest I've come we were talking about this last week we touched on it last week that basically I have a friend who has a folder of nudes ready to go yeah yeah yeah I think that's clever and she takes them in

a certain bedroom not not her own, because the light's better in there. And she has ring lights, different positions, all ready to go in a folder. And this was just news to me because I just haven't, I just didn't know that that went on. Like, I'm not completely naive.

I have scent nudes, but, I mean, when I think about it now, I fucking put my whole head in it. My whole head's in it it and the size of my head so my head's bigger than but come here to me you're supposed to

cut your head out like that is basic that is like the the main basic thing you do in a nude

oh no what's the point what's the point then you could just be downloading but I would just I would just download bodies off the internet and just send like what does it matter but i sent one of just boobs though just boobs and like they're not even that big so it could be just

pecs but like my whole face isn't in it's covered by a camera but right i've never sent like a proper nude so like what are you sending you're obviously just sending front on you're not sending like invasiveness no i'd say you're trying to be sexy or attractive or whatever yeah so you're not like getting a flap shot no I don't think so I did a bit of research into nudes yeah and there's always been a fascination with the naked body so back in the day the olympics were originally naked athletes who are they yeah the ancient Greeks they used to do sports completely naked and then the sin and shame

of the body came in with the Adam and Eve stuff but up to that point everyone was absolutely like delighted playing sports naked

I wouldn't want to be going cycling no cycling cycling very I like to get an extra padded seat For cycling

I wouldn't want to be on it Like Do you remember the time That I cycled Over to East London On your bike And I was very uncomfortable The way over

I arrived there It had Burnt through the crotch Of my knickers My knickers were in two bits To the crotch of my knickers. My knickers were in two bits. Oh my God. To the crotch. Gone.

Unbelievable. I had to ice myself down. It's the first time I've had chapped lips not on my face. It was awful. Absolutely horrific. Do you remember I sent you the photo with the knickers?

I know. So anyway, I started Googling and kind of learning about nudes. And I couldn't stop laughing at this message. You're going to kill me because I didn't save it. But this girl messaged saying that she has a folder of nudes that all her friends have sent her, all the nudes that they've gotten. And she keeps them to whip them out when they're, in inverted commas, feeling low. So they all just look at this folder of like dick pics feeling low if i was feeling low the last thing i'd want to see

is a dick or not a dick i think think they just look like me with no mascara they're terrifying things they're feral ferret males so i got some uh started reading these articles about nudes on the internet yeah and uh this girl's like when i was single got some, started reading these articles about nudes on the internet. Yeah. And this girl's like, when I was single, I always had a rule not to send nudes until they've seen me naked

in real life first. Now I just send to the group chat. So when our boobs look good, we just send. Liz, 32, New York. I don't get that. To what group chat?

Basically, if I have an urge to send a nude, I send it to you instead of a man no thanks I exactly

I was like that's a bit odd now now in fairness if a friend needed a fire emoji that bad I fucking I'd give it to her oh god I was showing my birth video again

the other night when I'd had a few drinks I think I'm gonna have to delete that it is like you're seeing now there's a lot of people that I've seen that I was like I might show you I might show everyone's seen seeing now there's a lot of people that I've seen that

I was like I might show you I might show everyone's seen it now everyone's seen it I saw it I don't think he'd even had a drink

it was like 11am or something oh no I'd had a few drinks come on I just ammed a nude sender I remember

someone sent me dick pics I'm not gonna tell you who it was yeah and he sent me dick pics and there was tissue paper all over his knob i was like what is that it was like he'd wiped the wee off his willy

and then little bits of tissue paper had gotten stuck and sent to me i was like oh my god that is the most unattractive thing I've ever seen I used to get loads of like uh when I had snapchat the amount of dick pics you get sent on snapchat is shocking and wanking videos it's actually disgusting people are weirdos why would you send stuff like that to somebody you don't know I honestly think people are absolutely bats Vogue you know that this is as far as I'm concerned, a humble brag because I have yet to receive a single dick pic

despite having done three call-outs for them. Yeah, but you won't get one on Instagram. It has to be Snapchat. Open up a Snapchat. I guarantee you, within a week,

you'll have a dick pic. I hear girls and they're like, oh my God, so sick of getting dick pics. I'm like, who's that? Like, what? Oh my God, are we past it? I've never had a single one. I feel like they'd probably they're like oh my god it's so sick of getting dick pics i'm like who's that like what oh my god i've never asked it i've never had a single one i feel like they'd probably be scared to send

you one in case you gave out to them i mean look my instagram it's not exactly it's quite a hostile environment for men i do realize that when i'm like when i'm thinking of someone to set set you on up but they're like let me see your instagram i I'm like, eh, I don't think so. Really? I know, it's terrible. It's not really a dating place

to show people your Instagram. Other women talking about their nudes, one said her sister takes them for her. Imagine Amber taking your nudes.

Gross. Weird. That'd be weird. This may be quite sad. One time I sent one to a guy and he blocked me. Like, is there a bigger rejection? That'd be weird This made me quite sad One time I sent one to a guy And he blocked me Like Is there a bigger rejection

Is there a bigger rejection He blocked me And she So I showed my friend And she said it wasn't flattering So now I always check with friends Before sending Catherine 42

Virginia I just think there's some things You need to do alone And that's Take nudes that's like an isolated that's an isolated event that's something you do in your own time on your own some of my gay friends say when they tell me about what they send on Grindr they're vicious with each other they'd be like oh no you look too small for me and like they'd be that mean and you know the way they held they held a can of coke or something to give it perspective

to make it look bigger imagine us holding a litre of milk beside our vagina to make it look bigger or smaller as we're sending nudes disgusting

disgusting disgusting if I was going to take nudes I would do it I think I'm a bit old now I would have to do it like in the dark maybe with a candle

something kind of now I would do it my room here in Hoth I'd definitely do one here in Hoth I might do one I might send Spencer one later

because the lighting here is just too good to miss out on we'd need tit tune instead of phase tune we'd need tit tune I don't even make a nigger

ass tune tit tune no that's a really unhealthy message everyone's beautiful remember you got into cycling for a while what happened to that

the knickers that's when it stopped I'll tell you what happened you took your fucking bike back and gave it to your brother and I'm too tight to buy my own bike you can have it back

you can have it back he hasn't been using it he hasn't been using it I'll take it away from him we're kind of like a divorced couple though because I kind of own half your shit now.

I love this week's spoofer of the week. You absolutely nailed it. Isn't she gas? It was so good though. I loved it so much because I saw that and I was like, did she really like post that? Anyway, go on, tell us. This week's Spoofer of the Week is...

Spoofer of the Week. Elizabeth Hurley. Oh. Wishing a happy birthday to a photographer who isn't on Instagram with a bikini shot of herself. Happy birthday. Here she is. Happy birthday to the glorious Stephen Measel.

Measel, this was my first bikini shoot ever. And boy, was I nervous. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Looking absolutely not a fucking inch of nerves on her at all. She looked unbelievable. But that is so like, look at me, look at me. It's like when people like, I mean, I stopped. I know this is a bit morbid, but I used to like post things on look at me it's like when people like I mean I stopped I know

this is a bit morbid but I used to like post things on my dad's anniversary and be like oh I still miss you dad it's like he's dead he's not gonna see it it's on Instagram so I actually I stopped doing it yeah I've never touched my dad on Instagram because again he's he's dead so I've just kind of and it is and I just felt like do you know what I'm actually just looking for a bit of attention on people so I was like I'm actually just looking For a bit of attention On people So I was like I'm not going to wish

Them a happy anniversary This year I think you're so I think that's lovely That you're self aware Like that Because I do think People can fall into a trap

I've seen people Post pictures of their Parents coughing They're coughing So have I I've seen people Post pictures of graves It's a no

It's a no What I love about Liz Hurley Is she's so shameless and so brazen. And look, she looks amazing and why not? But it got me then into thinking about, have you seen this Instagram account called Girls With Irrelevant Captions? Unfortunately, I was looking at your stories at quarter to 10 last night and then I went into a deep dark hole as well. It's so funny.

So obviously you'd have to go and see it yourself to see the actual photos but they you know it's the usual stuff a girl's perfectly formed arse and then the caption what do you prefer space or the ocean no there's a photo of a gorgeous woman wearing a fabulous outfit well I mean I say fabulous it's well I mean I say fabulous it's I mean I wouldn't be seeing dead in it but it's some sort of kind of tasseled lace flare outfit anyway

the caption is to all people with Down Syndrome oh yeah no matter what you are you should feel special no matter what

anyone says sorry what that's literally like me posting a photo of my tits saying i'm trying to raise awareness for autism like it makes absolutely no sense this woman she's posted this amazing photo of herself and then she's like i got scammed yesterday oh yeah filed a dispute recently on my

credit card for a paypal charge and then paypal sent me an email saying they were going to lock my account you dispute i didn't identify a plot twist it wasn't paypal be safe out there guys and it's literally her tits oh my god it's so what is you've you had loads up on your page yesterday where are you it was so funny they can't I would recommend people go in and have a look it's amazing it's absolutely amazing and you know what fair play to them no no not fair play to them it's so but just do you know if you're gonna be shameless just be shameless about it and don't start saying oh

what do you prefer the ocean or space like shut up here's another one she's it's she's in her knickers

no system built on racism and oppression is okay protect and serve as a curtain of hate no one deserves to lose their lives to a cop oh my god

it's a Black Lives Matter post by a white woman in a curtain of hate no one deserves to lose their lives to a cop oh my god it's a Black Lives Matter post by a white woman in a bikini oh no and I'm not trying to shame you Vogue but do you know that time you posted a photo of your ass on Instagram

oh yeah that was so embarrassing what did you caption it though oh god I bet I bet it was something whimsical oh no I bet it was something I'm so I'm so scared

What was it I want to know now Oh god Oh no I'm gonna Oh no I'm so frightened Was it a covert Was he like happy earth day Oh god I make Myself sick

Go on And said working on the... Oh, no, I don't know if I can say it. Come on. I'm so embarrassed of myself. Oh, God. Okay. Oh, God, I've got to get sick.

Working on the bumper. Beep, beep. Oh, my God. I'm sending you into this instagram account i'm sending you in wait and i'm not even finished working on the bumper beep beep exercises for the tush on the agenda again today oh listen i don't even that doesn't even sound like something i say i feel like someone wrote i I posted that. I posted that. Read it to me, read it to me again slowly, please.

Working, working on the bumper. Beep, beep. Oh my God. Everyone needs to start trolling me. That's disgraceful. What? But finish it With something else Okay

Working on the bumper Beep beep Beep beep Exercises for the tush And the agenda Again today Exercises for the tush And the agenda

Yeah With that picture I am a pathetic Loser Oh my god I'm putting I think I might I want to

Joanne I I'm too embarrassed I'm so embarrassed Of myself Oh no I think we should We I want to. Joanne, I'm too embarrassed. I'm so embarrassed of myself. Oh no, I think we should do a whole episode to things I've written on my Instagram because I'd say there's some quite bad ones in there. Look at this one with my arse out again. Like what, who am I?

But it was of the time. Everyone was getting their ass out. Like we're just kind of sheep. We just wanted, the only reason I don't have my ass out on Instagram is because it's in bits. Where's ass gone though I loved that ass where is it I haven't seen her in a few years still there working on the bumper that is so embarrassing it's like sexy sexy

look how cute my bum looks oh I'm so sweet and I would have spent ages taking that picture as well oh god do you know what I think one time actually I post a photo trying to be ironic on holidays it was a topless photo

and I put it on Instagram with the caption gorgeous sunset I was trying to be ironic then it looked like I was being serious so I had to take it down oh yeah I was only trying to be ironic

in that one beep beep sure that's all for this week remember if you'd like to send us an email you're more than welcome to just send it to

hello at mtgmpod.com. If you like the podcast, please subscribe and leave a review because it does make a difference. By the way, also, can I just add in that that email that woman sent in about the t-shirt story was incredible and thank you for sending it in,

but it is too disgusting for the podcast. But thank you. I'm keeping it in my own personal collection of letters