My Therapist Ghosted Me - Big Feet, Burning The Candle & Being Called Karen

Episode Date: September 10, 2021

Here's some more! There's plenty to catch up on this week. Vogue's travelled here there and everywhere and knows all about helicopters and Joanne has had another deep dive - this time into sleepwalking! Get ready for big feet, frozen embryos and Joe Rogan!! If you'd like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.com

Welcome to My Therapist Ghosted Me with me, Vogue Williams and Joanne McNally. It's the podcast that works on the basis of no script whatsoever apart from a tiny scripted bit at the beginning which I absolutely hate but our corporate handlers insist on. In today's episode we have sleepwalking, defrosting babies and Vogue's clown feet. I was filming this stand-up show the other day so I had to watch old footage of myself back just to kind of try and get like old material because then I don't burn through all my new stuff. Honestly I cannot explain, I I was shaking watching it it was like I'd pt I was getting all these electric shocks I was so horrified by myself I had to

watch myself do stand-up for an hour and what was worse was you couldn't hear the laughs because it was only the mic was recorded so the laughs were really muffled so it was just me screaming for an hour it was I've got PTSD I'm like it was absolutely horrific because like people struggle listening to themselves on a voice note or like their answering machine imagine listening to this shit for an hour of yourself I know but it's really hard to look back at things on yourself and were you quite surprised at how manly your voice sounded because I'm always literally like fall off my seat shocked I'm like who is that man it's me do you reckon people can tell the difference between us I'd say it's difficult to be I say it's difficult too you and Amber like

because we all have the same voice as well and you and Amber kind of look like each other like you I reckon Amber could swap places with you and your mom wouldn't notice I'd love to look like Amber she's got the proper lesbian chic vibes like she's got such a strong sexy lesbian head I wouldn't say Amber's sexy come on she's got the big

cheekbones she's kind of like she's real alpha but she's stunning yeah she is pretty gorgeous and she's got the big boobs I never got the tits

in the family she's got huge tits I was only thinking the other day about us doing breast checks and I was like because her tits

are so small we'd be feeling a lump for a lump it'd be like we genuinely have to go very deep I do a breast check and I'm like oh no rib rib that's it rib again there chest cavity there yeah I can actually feel my full chest cavity I've got this bra on actually I stole it off Glenda Gilson about four years ago it was her wedding bra strapless wedding bra and I swear to god you could punch me in the chest I'd never feel it it's so padded you can go into Victoria's Secret and buy like these triple padded bras and not great for us because obviously we've just got skin to pull up but anyone who had even a

slight boob they'd look great on them you've got boobs you're bigger than mine I don't really they're just kind of lifted well now but I'd actually love it anyway well let's not go down I can't keep talking about how much cosmetics are if you want it's really unhealthy that's what someone said to me the other day they were like what do you think you'll be like when you're 60 I was like I'd say if you push me over I'll smash I'm looking forward to it. I just look like a really weird Siamese cat. A stunning one. Who doesn't want to look like a cat?

One of those Sphinx cats who's had way too much laser and way too much filler. Do you know those hairless cats? That's what I look like. We're going to look amazing. Tell me about your week. Well, I just got back from lanzalotty last night

lovely i went for about 24 hours filming and it was great but it's kind of like being on the moon like there is no green obviously it's got 300 plus volcanoes on it inactive yeah i really want to look into volcanoes and i think that you and i should do a friend trip to Pompeii is that the best idea you've ever heard do you know what we do go try and get some sort of travel log programme going

and let them take us to Pompeii and other weird places and I do you know what would be a great show for us a history show

where I teach you things where I where I I teach you things. Where I... Where I... I teach you things. I teach you things, you thick bitch. I'm like, I'm in, Vogue. This is a mountain. Come on, Voguey, let's go up it.

Yay. Give me your Vogue let's go up it yay give me your hand let's go oh my god I've been all for that Vogue the plane's going to take off we're going to go into the sky now yay

woohoo please tend to your mask first I could teach you history stuff and then in another show you could teach me kind of fitness stuff and about parenting wouldn't that be a great idea

fitness stuff like that's what you think of me or how to clean your carpets yes that's the stuff you like doing how to clean your carpets how to get stains out of your clothes

because I have become a stain wizard okay fine I'll teach you how to be a household genius and you'll teach me some fine. I'll teach you how to be a household genius and you'll teach me some basic history. I'll teach you about Pompeii.

You teach me how to get an ab. How about that? That's a fair swap. Okay, in. I might actually have to get John Belton on board, but that's fine. He will ab us up.

I'd love that though. Imagine we could go there. I just want to go places that we wouldn't, we don't want to pay for going ourselves. I'm still laughing. I that we wouldn't we don't want to pay for going ourselves and I'll teach you things about history okay this is a rainbow I keep buying myself books like I have books all about like Russia and shit.

And I'm like, I'm going to read that book. It's sat there honestly for over three years now, but I do have a different book in my bag. I'm going to start reading Joanne, but instead of history, I've now bought Andre Leon Talley. He used to be the,

the, was he the editor of Vogue? And he had a fight with Anna Wintour. So I'm going to read about that instead exactly you tell me about Russia I'll give you my Russia books I was only reading

about Rasputin again the other day I was obsessed with him I don't know he used to microdose arsenic right so then no one

could kill him he was kind of this oh my god he had a long beard with loads of hair stuck in and he was kind of rough looking he looked like he's from Shoreditch he's like an original kind of this... Oh my God. He had a long beard with loads of hair stuck in and he was kind of rough looking.

He looked like he's from Shoreditch. He's like an original kind of Russian hipster. He used to microdouse himself with arsenic. And I was like, I'd love to microdouse myself with something

so that I could enjoy it. And then I was like, hummus would be a great one. Do you know the way hummus is always going for cheap but it's kind of like curdling? And I was like, if I microdoused

and built up an immunity to day-old hummus, I'd basically be eating hummus for free bitch no eat the nice hummus you know I don't treat myself I was in Marks and Spencers with you not long ago you were treating yourself then weren't you I bought a two pound pack of chicken yeah I mean treat yourself wouldn't really call it a five-star experience anyway sorry so carry on you're in Lanzarote so I was in Lanzarote so I was in Lanzarote yeah it was like being on the moon it's kind of it's like a really cool place but I understand why a lot of old people have houses there because I think it's built for them it's

very quiet chilled nice food had a good time and now so it took I mean I flew back into Stansted airport and I don't want to be an airport snob, but I mean, there's just some airports in London I'm not ever flying into again. And Stansted is one of them. Why? I'm not doing it. I was an hour and a half in the queue to get through passport control. I wanted to merger somebody by the time I got through. And it's just not for me.

And then it was an hour and a half home. I hate queuing. I would honestly rather glass myself in the face I just won't queue for anything oh god I was just on the phone

the whole time in the queue being like I am not flying in here again I know I'd throw my toys out of the flan

but it was nice to go up there and now I'm going to Scotland today for a night you just need to get super duper rich and then just fly back

into your own sitting room that's all I want I just want to land a helicopter on my balcony and then I'll be happy yeah I know it's not too much to ask and even I used to be scared of helicopters but supposedly if you always listen to the pilot when he's like listen we're not going to fly today it's too like windy or whatever then you're grand you won't crash i'm glad you can teach me about helicopters that's been very educational yeah if he says it's grand it's grand do you want to know a weird thing about me actually talking of safety so when i used to work on a building site in london one of my jobs

was being like the safety officer so any new like um builders that came to site would have to come in and i'd have to do a safety briefing induction with them. And I used to have to go around the site and like, if someone wasn't wearing their hard hat, I could give out to them. And if somebody was doing something that wasn't safe, I could give out to them. It's so weird. It's so weird that you had this previous life.

Like it's... I know. It's like you telling us you were an astronaut. I just can't get my head around it. I love it though. Because people would assume that I'm stupid. But like if you've got a degree, you're not that stupid. You're a very smart woman, Vogue.

And I will laugh if you put yourself down. No, I am a very intelligent woman. I just don't know anything about history. And last part of my week, the big deal aired. The TV show. Yes. I did. I hear it's going very well

yeah it did because you know what I was kind of shitting myself and I have gotten over the being overly critical of myself and I think the acts were amazing

and I'm glad that everyone liked it it was nice to see like really good acts in Ireland so next week is obviously even better I still don't

I still don't really understand how it works I know it's a hard but you know what even better I still don't I still don't really understand how it works I know it's a hard but you know what even when I was going through it when I had the job so basically all the acts perform right and like there's how many were in the in the semis I think there were 12 in the semis and they all perform and then they decide if they think their performance was good enough that the judges would put them through. So they either want to go through or they can take a cash offer. And the first cash offer is a grand.

It goes up as the weeks go on. But they decide if like if they had a shite performance, they could be like, Alison, wasn't my best. I'm going to take the money and leave. Or they can leave it up to the judges. So the judges could put them through or the judges could say, no, you're a shite. So they would leave it nothing. OK, so they basically take a nothing oh okay so they'd basically

take a gamble on themselves exactly they'd take a gamble on themselves and like they didn't see anyone else perform either which I think would because at least you could

judge yourself against somebody and be like ah shite they were good that's a very interesting but they couldn't do that that's a very interesting experiment in how deranged

people are about their own abilities I look forward to tuning in. I cannot get the Monkey Music song out of my head. I'm taking Gigi to Monkey Music today and Theodore comes. He's meant to sit at the back but he sits and enjoys it. The song has been in my head for two days because I know I've been going. Do you want to hear it? No! Monkey, monkey music, monkey. She's taking out her headphones. I can't, I just can't. I've had,

do you know what song I've had stuck in my head? It's actually gone now but it's going to be back in the, it's going to come back now that I say it. You know that song, I'm not going to sing it

just in case I catch it again. How much is that doggy in the window? I had it stuck in my head. Or I had Simply Red Fairgrounds stuck in my head for about 16 years. Do you know that that was one of the first albums I ever got? For Christmas one year,

I asked for Oasis, Simply Red and The Prodigy. I wasn't allowed to have The Prodigy because it was over 18s or something. But like, what an eclectic music taste. Yeah, that sounds like you were having a psychotic break like do you know that sounds like you've got multiple personalities like that lad from what's that film joe with your man who has all the personalities oh split split joe you're supposed to be googling this shit that's what other producers do they google as people ask questions i knew what she was saying didn't I

that film is terrifying I think my first my first album I think was Kylie Kylie Minogue or or maybe Boyzone

or sorry New Kids on the Block obviously but then I remember when I was about 12 or something I went to Delirious Shopping Centre to buy

Smack My Bitch Up because I was that cool. In my Fruit of the Loom jumper and got a boyfriend in the shopping centre. Joanne, stop trying to be cool saying the prodigy. You were a basic bitch. Kylie. Kylie and Boyzone. Excuse me.

I love the prodigy and I've been known to do the prodigy dance after two bottles of Chardonnay. It started out as river dance and then someone was like, I was at the prodigy dance. And I was like, yeah. I was like, that's cooler. We'll go with that. Fire starter. Yeah. God, they're a good band.

Oasis was the first concert I ever went to and my minder, Mijela, brought me to go see Oasis when I was 12. Your minder, Mijela. Mijela brought me. Mijela Monge I was 12. Your mind, your mediala. Mediala brought me,

mediala monje delgado. I still know her. Where was she from? Costa Rica. I think my mind was called Dimna. Dimna. That's still a name. They don't put names down. Yes, they do. Some names are becoming extinct. Like Kieron is becoming extinct fair have you ever met someone our age called Neil yeah I have two friends called Neil I'll tell you what it is

Karen Karen's becoming extinct I'd rather be called Hitler than Karen these days to be honest I know Mao Stalin

Karen's up there with all of them now God love God love all the Karens who were just sound just trying to live their life I know because they just have this

like association now if a Karen now literally got served a bowl of glass in her salad she wouldn't be able to say a fucking thing about it

she'd be like mmm delicious as her insides bled out add such a crunch who do you want to speak to the manager no no Mmm, delicious. As her insides bled out. I had such a crunch. Who do you want to speak to? The manager? No, no.

Nothing. Just take me straight to the A&E, please. How did that happen with the name Karen? Why Karen? Stop being a Karen. Karen is kind of that traditional woman with the wraparound. And there was a male equivalent called Ken, which never took off. But I do feel for the kind Karens

which there are many men most of them like I mean Karens just a created satirical I feel like Jessica's would be bitchier

than Karens can you imagine in high school when you think of American high school students Jessica is always the cheerleader bitch I mean it could have

easily been Joanne it could have easily been Joanne it was never going to be Vogue never going to I mean, it could have easily been Joanne. It could have easily been Joanne. It was never going to be Vogue. Never going to be Vogue. It could have easily been Joanne and I feel very blessed that it wasn't.

I could turn it into a Joanne. I could change. Don't be a fucking Joanne. You don't have that much power of Vogue, okay? Or a Joanna. Just because you're on heart radio for 20 minutes a week.

Don't try and ruin my life. What was your week so my week was do you know joe rogan yeah he's always top of the podcasts i like a bit of joe i actually do like a bit of joe rogan but he's you know you know there's stuff that he says i'm not mad about his podcast can be a bit of a cock fest. It's just like men sitting around smoking cigars and stuff. But I do like him. I kind of, actually, I kind of fancy him. I'm kind of attracted to small but pinch, powerful men.

Anyway. Let me Google. It's only the power you fancy, obviously. I don't know. I also like the baldness. Is he, where is he from? Oh no, Joanne. No.

No? Oh my God. I wasn't expecting him to look like that he's like a UFC man he's yeah he's big into MMA and all that shit

anyway he's not a conspiracy theorist by any stretch I'm not gonna say he is but he certainly circles the plug hell he's anti-system for sure Jo

would you not agree Jo have you are you yeah yeah there he is okay so don't tell me he's like anti-vaxxer he's anti-vax right he doesn't want to take it but it's not that he's not anti-vax in the sense that he thinks he's trying he's being controlled by a deep state he just doesn't want to put it in his body right so he thinks that there's other ways

that's fair and that's what i think is his deal anyway um yeah so he's he got anyway he got corona and he's taken it their headline was joean gets Corona, treats himself with horse dewormer. And I thought this was hilarious. So I reposted it and said, oh, cool. When I got Corona, I treated myself with a bath bomb, some snail pellets and a roll on can of Mitchum powder soft. Right. Whatever. Like, I i just bind it up again i don't know if someone's got alerts for joe rogan or what the fuck but did they come educate yourself educate yourself so apparently what he's taking is ivermectin which he's saying he gave him by

was given by a doctor they're like it's FDA approved and I was like yeah if you've got worms it's FDA approved anyway I was like look I'm not getting into this I took it down

but I resent being told to educate myself I don't want a degree in pharmaceuticals to make a stupid joke about a headline I'm never I don't need to educate myself

my days of taking tests are gone my only tests I'm going to take now are smear and cholesterol I want the right to educate myself. My days of taking tests are gone. My only tests I'm going to take now are smear and cholesterol. I want the right to make stupid, irrelevant, irreverent jokes. Yeah, but I think that comedians have to,

like, I'm glad to hear that because too many comedians are starting to pull back a bit. And it's like, you can't pull back comedy shit. You've got to keep being funny and you're going to offend people. Tough fucking luck to them.

Like, it's a joke. You get that fucking Joe Rogan video back being funny and you're going to offend people. Tough fucking luck to them. Like, it's a joke. You, get that fucking Joe Rogan video back up. I was just going to say, I'm all talk, but I took it down.

I'm like, I won't be silent. I deleted it. I just don't want that shit in my life. I don't need it. No, that's my worst

I got an A in geography of my leaving. My educating days are done, dusted. Okay. I fucking nailed it. No. That's my worst interest. I got an A in geography in my leaving. My educating days are done. Dusted. Okay. I fucking nailed it. Goodbye.

You don't care about pharmaceuticals. And excuse me if anyone knows about pharmaceuticals you do. Because of my prescriptions. Yeah.

Also maybe the horses are onto something. I've never seen a horse wearing a map. Here comes Fanny. All right, Joanne, you look quite fit. Thank you. You look good today, yeah.

Very nice. Thanks, babes. You too. She always looks like that lately. I don't know what she's done to herself. I don't always know, but... She does. Every time I've seen her, when was the last time you saw her not looking good?

I've gotten facials. Not the sick kind. Well, I wouldn't want to say. Hi, Jo. Not the sick kind well I wouldn't want to say hi Jo not the sick kind wow another thing that happened to me this week which was quite interesting

was I took a turn oh yeah I telephoned right this and she gave me absolutely no sympathy at all basically Jo I'll tell you

so I was doing a lot of shows you know burning the candle not just about that like I was literally slicing the candle up, you know, burning the candle, not just about that, like it was literally slicing the candle up the middle and then burning the wicks like in between, you know, like at all angles, like, and then like hammering the candle into the ground. It was very full on. And I'd noticed my speech was kind of starting to go a bit, like I couldn't get my

words out and stuff. And I was kind of stumbling over my words and I was making mistakes, like saying I'm on a train or I'm on a, when I was on a plane and the other way around all just very strange so then anyway did recorded Deirdre O'Kane's stand-up show which is brilliant that was great crack then the next day I did a show in Belfast which was lovely then the next morning I woke up and my hands were shaking really badly and my voice was it was all I was's going on? Anyway, I had to do a research call for the late, late. And literally she said to me, like, you know, let's chat about some entertaining stories. And my words just completely went, couldn't say anything. And I fell over.

Right? Yeah. I thought I was having a stroke. I know stroke I know I know I told Vogue and she just completely dismissed it

I had to speak to John Belton for 45 minutes about it yesterday I've obviously had some low level anxiety attack and he's like you're not getting enough sleep and we had

we had a big conversation about it anyway I've been getting away with burning the candle for years now which John Belton says means I'm very resilient but those days are over so now I think I'm away with burning the candle for years now, which John Belton says means I'm very resilient.

But those days are over. So now I think I'm basically going into the world of wellness. Yeah. I genuinely thought I was having a heart attack or I thought I had a brain tumor. I honestly think when she's when she was so lovely, the research, she's so nice. But when she was like, let's talk about some kind of funny stories we can talk about. My brain literally just collapsed. And I was like let's talk about some kind of funny stories we can talk about my brain literally just collapsed and I was like I've nothing entertaining I've nothing to say like

generally sometimes someone says you have a brain fart my brain completely shat itself it was so bizarre it was so crazy and obviously I had to take a Xanax immediately actually my I rang my mom and she was like she'd never say take a Xanax was like you need to take his annex I was in a hotel of my own in Belfast it was horrific but anyway it got us thinking about sleep and I think I was just sleep deprived but yeah I don't think you get enough sleep like even today what time do you go to bed at last night but do you know what it is right do you know the way everyone's talking about their sleep cycles and their REMs and their light sleep? I don't know anything. I just go to sleep and I dream about being back in school,

but it's actually a shopping center or something stupid. And then I wake up. I have no idea what goes on in the middle. I don't keep track. Whereas people are like, oh, I got like 40 minutes of REM and like 20 minutes of light and 60 minutes of dark and 30 minutes of Zumba. I don't know what they're talking about.

I know. I'll tell you what. I got one hour, 23 minutes of deep sleep last I don't know. I don't know what they're talking about. I know. I'll tell you what. I got one hour, 23 minutes of deep sleep last night. There you go. But you don't track your sleep, but there's, I think it's good not to track your sleep,

but you need to know like when you're going to bed and when you're waking up, you need to make sure you have to get seven hours. When I'm talking to John again, I'm talking to John Belton, who's actually my trainer, but I think I've kind of tried to, I think I've melded him into my life coach.

He's really good at that by the way. We discussed it and I was like, oh yeah, because do you know the way at night I listen to documentaries so that I can try to take in the information I don't know why about Pompeii like what anyway so I'm never really asleep do you know what I mean like if you noise going on in the background all the time I used to do it to direct my dreams but then I'm never actually asleep I think that you should get the calm app right and there's this like there's this deep sleep thing on it I swear to god it sends you into this weird trance you can listen to it for 5 10 15 20 25 minutes and then it stops after that and you'll you'll probably be asleep but it just it the way it

obviously is doing something to make you go into a really deep sleep but things like that like i have a routine before bed i get into bed i use that cbd oil you were drinking by the bottle not so long ago love actually that's so curious i have i have reduced the cbd although since that mini stroke i had in belfastast I have upped my CBD how many three two squirts couple of squirts

well in fairness like I got a big fright so I was I was there were more tablespoons I was taking after that I moved up from squirts

I promoted myself from CBD squirts to just like like a ketchup bottle just fucking in the thing into my mouth like that

they can't keep up with your demand squirts of CBD oil Just like a ketchup bottle, just fucking in the thing into my mouth like that. They can't keep up with your demand. Squirts of CBD oil, spray pillow spray on your pillows, I sleep with earplugs, and I put on white noise, and I swear it's like, and sometimes a face mask too. I look like a weirdo,

but I have the best sleep. Because I just can't get out. My God. I know. A lot goes into my sleep it's so important you don't and plus you're not gonna like what I'm about to say I drink half you have put on a document yeah and sleep facing down but if you're drinking before bed that that messes up your sleep as well sleep is so mad and I was watching um you should watch something no my scary actually it might give you it sleep paralysis have you ever seen people who get sleep paralysis it's so scary yeah spenny used to get it right he

was going out with this girl and when he was going out with this certain girl it went like he was having it almost every single night and when they broke up it went away but like he would wake up and he wouldn't be able to move and there'd be like a goblin on his chest and he'd be like freaking out and then like, yeah, imagine having that crap. I know, I've heard,

I have friends who had it before. I had it once in Australia where my mind woke up before my body and it was absolutely terrifying but I never had it as in there was goblins or anything.

But it's like your man, do you remember your man who had locked in syndrome and wrote that book with his eye? No. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. Jo, do you know this lad? He actually wrote book with his eye oh the diving bell and the butterfly Joe do you know this lad

he actually wrote it with one eye because he basically had it went something happened to him he fell into a coma woke up but his mind woke up

but his body didn't but they didn't know he was awake anyway eventually they figured out he was awake they had to stitch up one of his eyes

because something happened to him and he wrote a whole book with one eye blinking yeah or else he just loved blinking and someone read

too much into it but I think he pretty much wrote the book with one eye it's so embarrassing write a book write a book with one eye. Blinken. Yeah, or else he just loved Blinken and someone read too much into it. But I think he pretty much wrote the book with one eye. It's so embarrassing. Write a book with an eye. I can't even write a text. I voice note everyone, even when it's completely inappropriate.

I voice note my accountant. But I know we like talking about sleep. So I looked up some, I have some stories about sleepwalking, first of all. I kind of feel like sleepwalking is, it feels very 90s to me. I don't really like, do you know what I mean?

It feels kind of dated. It's, do you know what? I did a pod with Natalie Pinkham from, she's like an F1 presenter. And she has really, really bad, like that's what she does all the time. She sleepwalks. She sleptwalked out of her hotel room before. She does like mad shit when she sleepwalks and she does it all the time and like there's no reasoning as to why people do i did it once uh years ago in portugal

but it's kind of like you don't remember anything but like do you not remember hearing like horror stories of people walking into the woods and they die and stuff no imagine waking up in the woods because you've slept walked in there the deep dark wood yeah no that's watching a scary program on telly at the moment and that's what it reminds me of it uh go on tell me tell me some bits about i don't i don't think i've slept sleep slept joe how do you say it in the past sleep sleep walked yeah i don't think i've sleep walked however i did wake up one morning with 3 000 steps on my fit. And I was like, that's weird. What? I know.

Because you were moving around so much. I hope I went to the gym. How handy would that be? Sleep squatting. Sleep squatting. Why isn't that a thing? Sleep planking. Oh my God.

I can't believe I planked all night last night. I'm so embarrassed. Anyway, I looked at these stories. Oh yeah, here's one. This made me laugh. It shouldn't really. I was on Ambien for about two years. After couple of months I started realizing I was doing weird stuff Ambien is the stuff that turned Roseanne Barr racist do you know this shit it's big in America

is it like uh is it like Xanax like a stronger Xanax well it sounds just like it's kind of a pill form of white wine to be honest okay oh that sounds quite nice actually yeah I was on Ambien for about two years after a couple of months I started realizing I was doing weird stuff after I took it that I didn't remember nothing serious that I knew of but I would wake up with food all over my bed or there would be posts I made online like no recollection of I didn't think it was that big of a deal so I stayed on it one night toward the end of my time on ambient I woke up in my car I was in my pajamas driving and crying I knew knew where I was, but I had no idea how I got there. And I didn't know why I was crying either. That's why I'm like,

that just sounds like white wine. But anyway, this is the next one, right? That's just a Friday night. I'm like, yeah, you had a weekend. Get over yourself. This is the next one. I have sexsomnia. A few times I've woken up in the middle of the night going down on my partner I first found out I did this in my senior year of college when my boyfriend at the time slept over he texted me later in the day and apologized for not wanting to have sex in the middle of the night and I had no idea what he was talking about sometimes I don't remember at all other times I become lucid only after I'm going all out it freaked my current boyfriend out at first but, but he's since embraced it. Fucking say he has. I think she just, I think he just got worried about what could potentially happen. Like what could I do to him while I was asleep without any conscious

knowledge? I've never attempted penetrative sex of any kind. So I think he's become more comfortable as a result of that. And just knowing and trusting me too. I've also woken up to myself vigorously masturbating. I've noticed that has up to myself vigorously masturbating. I've noticed that has only happened when I sleep in either my boxers or briefs. I don't wear boxers, and it doesn't really happen from any recollection of when I sleep naked. Oh, I bet as many witches I had sleep, Sonia. Oh no, what a terrible diagnosis. Here she comes again gobbling away

look at her little just blindly blindly gobbling away in the middle of the night imagine that would be a scary sight here she comes with her earplugs

and her eye mask gobble gobble oh lord mommy's hungry midnight snack for mommy oh I hate the way you say that mommy sicko

you were the ones who called each other mama and dada that poor person sexsomnia I mean sexsomnia I wouldn't be giving away

free blowies all night poor person's right but what do they do if there's no one there just go down to the lamp you need to just kind of get it out of your system

I hope they don't have a cat poor cat will be like no no not again no oh god that's so nice

I know I'd say that's the highest that really needs a cat flap they're like please god don't fucking cats not come back to the crack of dawn

bye They're like, please, God, don't fucking cats not come back to the crack of dawn. Bye. I have to say about a COVID test, when you're away, they really, I don't know what it is, they really shove it up there. Portugal was the worst. And she's like, stop moving your head. I'm like, stop like touching my brain.

I saw this weird thing in the news this week and I thought it was so funny. Because you know, like with TV, you can kind of get anyone to do anything. Yes. Well, turns out you can't. Celeb attractions, you attractions you know no naked attraction you know that show on channel 4 where everyone gets

their bits out like I don't know what it is but like to be looking at loads of willies and vaginas it's so fascinating how different

they all are but anyway they tried to do a celeb version and they couldn't get the celebs to go on it so they had to cancel it how good

would that have been firstly I'm surprised they couldn't get people to do it although secondly no actually do you know what I take it back I'm not because

even with Love Island and stuff like they still are wearing bikinis and stuff they'd have to get the only people I think that would be totally comfortable would be

kind of like the porn the only fan porn stars kind of people really ultimately and they probably wouldn't even be that comfortable either because the fee's probably shit they're probably making way much more money on only fans

giving people happy birthday messages by queefing out their candles that's where the cash is queefing out their candles but i was thinking my problem with naked attraction is this the stillness of them i think it would be more interesting if they were like doing things if they collabed with like another show like Jungle or Cash in the Attic or um Antiques Roadshow or something where they had like something to do the fanny goes on on the Antiques Roadshow and picks out nice antiques yeah put a put a put a put a dick on a plinth be like what do you think of it now like just like twirl it around like give me a bit of movement it's just a lack of movement i find very boring about naked attraction to be honest yeah but you don't like yeah i suppose if like if if i was a man and it was on my willy i'd be like helicoptering and shit like that like trying

to stand out from the crowd of course course. Or like pulling my balls over and being like, is it a dick or a fanny? You'll never know. Woo! It's both. 100%. Although I will say,

if I was a man going on a naked attraction, I'd iron my balls. They're incredibly creased. Also, what I would say. And I'd do a little tug just before,

so it was like halfway there. That's how I knew I'd become a woman. I saw a first set of testicles and went, they could do with an iron. But you know what I think celebrities spend so long keeping their dicks anonymous but they're not you know what I mean like sending anonymous dick pics and then I was like do you remember imagine I found out you remember that uh the dick pic I got which was

just like the little bit of blue tack in the back yeah yeah yeah imagine celebrity um naked attraction had happened and it was revealed and that was actually a celebrity's imagine I was like oh my god it's Keith Lemon's dick

or something oh my god I'm like oh my god that's it that's the blue tack dick vote vote look it belongs to Richard Madley

Richard Madley oh my god I'd watch a naked attraction I'm actually Richard and Judy did it I'd be woo I'd be all eyes

who would I love to see god there's quite a few in fairness but I actually got sent a celeb willy before that people would know and I'm like

it sounds like that sounds like you got sent it in a box like on its own no no no I got sent a picture of it yeah but like

it was really obvious whose willy it was because like you could see things around the willy and stuff. And I'm like, how many people have you sent that to and it hasn't gotten out? Like, it's like a family portrait of Richard and Judy in the background. Yeah.

Like imagine like, or you had like your rings on. Like I'd be like, that's Joanne's flaps. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. I know what you mean. Yeah. But it made me think of like weird jobs I've been offered. I was once offered this job.

I actually don't think the show ever went ahead, but it was like this show to go and spend two weeks living with your ex. I mean, who would want to go and do that? Well, I would just use it as an opportunity to get back with them. I'd be like, look, this is what we've been offered. We want to live with you and then just like not leave. And then we'll fall in love forever and ever. No way.

I'm back baby yeah god and then I once got offered you know this job a job for people like I'm sorry I know I'm a tall girl I'm a size 7 foot right

but I got offered this job for women with big feet and big wide feet and it's like how big do you think my like do they just look huge do they look like boats on my feet

I don't know do you want my like do they just look huge do they look like boats on my feet I don't know no do you want this big foot job no you're alright that's like me being offered a job for like large heads you know for like

special sized hats or something like that yeah I've seen your feet they are perfectly sized like yeah especially

how would I balance without a size 7 it's not like you've got clown noses on the end of the revolution their huge feet she goes in to have a pedicure and they're like we don't have a tub big enough they're like we need more stuff do you know those um when you go into those piranhas,

remember the piranhas eating your feet? Yes! The piranhas are like dead after. I had to eat those giant feet. They're all just like floating on top. They overate. They overate. They overate and exploded. Just like piranha juice everywhere.

They're like, oh God, sorry, Vogue Williams is in. You know yourself, huge feet. A lot of them didn't make it. I just, you don't even, you don't hear me. Like all you hear is flap, flap, flap as soon as I walk.

The top of my toes, flap, flap, flap, flap, flap. You need to get a pedicure done in a canoe for the lens. You need to get them soaked in a canoe. Because they're so big. Did you see this? People who want to start a family can freeze their eggs, sperm and embryos for up to 55 years now. 55? In an overhaul

of fertility rules intended to help prospective parents the existing 10 year limit on the length of time those planning to use in vitro fertilisation can store

the genetic materials needed is being scrapped the government said prospective parents should not have to wrestle with time limits on their fertility choices

and this important change to storage time scales will give people more control over their future and eliminate the pressure that Joanne McNally feels with knowing a decision

has to be made in the next three minutes. That's good, isn't it? I think it's good. I don't think that you need it for 50 years though. Well, I was thinking it's great because basically my fear

is dying alone and that's why I would have a child. And if I could now freeze my eggs and then dissolve them or like defrost them on my dissolve them or like defrost them on my deathbed. I'd like to defrost them when I'm 80

and then just have a child who has to be in the crib as I pass away. Job done. Job done. Plus, as an elder woman, if I was like a granny mum, there would be perks.

You wouldn't even have to lift a child up to breastfeed because your tits would be at your feet. You just have to kick it in the face perfect your nipple would just be another toe be amazing yeah that's actually quite handy yeah we thought about that maybe i should hold off on any more kids until my tits fall below my knees i'm telling you now give your arms a break that i never thought about that maybe I should hold off on any more kids until my tits fall below my knees I'm telling you now

give your arms a break that I never thought about that thank you very much what a waste of time with the last two yeah but you like bench press your kids and shit

you're like I do not I'll be so old I'll be using the prom as also I'll be doubling up as a Zimmer frame and we'll both be eating mushed food like because my dentures will have I'll have left my dentures in an uber or something also handy for you yeah I'll be airplane myself airplane

yeah no separate cooking this was the kind of this was the attach on story so the longest frozen embryo has been defrosted so the yeah the embryo did you see see this no okay so the embryo was donated by a family in the u.s and has become the first child for a woman who would herself have only been one when the baby was conceived so basically the embryo yeah so the embryo was 24 and the mother was 25 when she defrosted it oh my god and she's Christian so she believes in like life from fertilization

so basically they're fucking twins imagine being frozen for 25 years she'll never need Botox folks oh no she won't

she'll look fantastic she'll look fantastic we're gonna do you know who we're gonna be like death becomes her that's gonna be us yeah

eye bags being Galdi Han eye bags being shot in the stomach yeah I bags being shot in the stomach yeah I want to be shot in the stomach so that is all for now

and remember if you'd like to send us an email you're more than welcome to just send it to hello at mtgmpod.com

oh and I'm on tour not now but will be and all the dates and tickets are at joannmcnally.com Oh and also don't forget to watch

The Big Deal on Saturday night 8 o'clock Virgin Media Television If you would like to subscribe Jo wants me to say make sure you subscribe but I feel that's quite aggressive

but if you would like to subscribe so that you get every episode the moment it's available please do or don't that's okay see you next week See you next week. See you next week.