My Therapist Ghosted Me - BONUS EPISODE: Awards, Massages, Animals, Spank Paddles & More!

Episode Date: January 20, 2023

It's your last hit of bonus material before Vogue & Joanne ACTUALLY return FOR REAL! If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] is going on tour in Ireland & The UK! Remember to check the venue websites as well as Ticketmaster! For more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThank you!

This is a Global Player Original Podcast. Hello and welcome to the best of. My therapist goes to be with me, Bo Williams and Joanne McNally. You need to be clear that Joe chose these bits. Joe chose these bits. Joe chose these bits. They're probably shit. That's on him. He's not a funny man.

Not a funny man. He's not a funny bone in his body. Spineless little creature. I wanted to talk about something now. I know it was like not last week, the week before, but we didn't get to talk about it. Valentine's Day.

Was that last week? Oh no, that was last week. That's what I got for Valentine's Day, the fucking norovirus. Do you know what really like, and it comes out worst on occasions like this, like the Kardashians, they're obviously the worst at it ever. But like when people just post like, oh my God, look at all the things my boyfriend got me. I'm like, shut up.

No one wants to see that shit. I saw, um, some, there was something posted. I don't know if it's true or not, but there's some zoo in Japan where you can buy a cockroach and name it after your ex and then feed it to one of the animals. That's a nicer gift to get somebody. Like post things like that on Valentine's Day. We don't need to see your 70 grand worth of flowers, Kardashians.

Absolutely. What do they do with those flowers though? They obviously just all go to waste. I don't think I've ever been, like had a Valentine's Day in a romantic sense, ever. I've never, no one ever been, like, had a Valentine's Day in a romantic sense. Ever. I've never,

no one's ever done anything for me for Valentine's Day. I had flowers sent in to Vicar Street on Valentine's Day saying, love, Brian,

the ex-convict. So I don't know if that's, I mean, obviously if he was really an ex-convict, I'd be trying to get in contact with him, but I'm guessing

it was a joke. That's like a shadow flying for you now. Well, I used to be in prison oh really tell me more yeah yeah yeah yeah but you not find that on Valentine's Day like did you not see all those posts where it was just persistent posting of what everyone got off their partners and it's like I don't care poor Spenny though I was talking to him on the Sunday and he was sorry loaded Spenny is how you should start all those conversations not poor Spenny it doesn't even make sense to put that it doesn't even make sense

to put that word in his fucking name he actually doesn't even know what that means loaded Spenny was saying so loaded Spenny right I was talking to him on the Sunday night so it was Valentine's Day on the Monday I think it was and I got him a really nice jumper and it was coming on the Monday and I told him about it and I was talking to him about the Sunday night so it was Valentine's Day and the Monday I think it was and I got him a really nice jumper

and it was coming on the Monday and I told him about it and I was like and did you get me something nice and he was like I did, I did it arrives tomorrow and I was like

better not be flowers I was like the last thing I want is wasted flowers you know I'm going home on Thursday it better not be flowers and what showed up

flowers Vogue you have a very toxic relationship with the floral industry one minute you like them then you don't then you're telling everyone you don't like them

then you're not getting them then you're giving out again make up your privileged mind do you want flowers or do you not want flowers Vogue I want flowers but not the flowers that are going to go to waste

and I got sent these amazing flowers for a job and then I had to go home the next day but luckily I was able to redistribute the flowers that are going to go to waste and I got sent these amazing flowers for a job and then I had to go home the next day but luckily I was able to redistribute the flowers because I don't want them

sitting in a house where no one gets to look and enjoy them so I would like to say again because people have stopped sending me flowers I love flowers

just not the day before I'm going away do you know what I missed last week you're not going to believe this shit you're period you're pregnant again I can't I can't

I'm not doing it again I'm not doing it again I think this might be I think this might be the last time especially after this last week so I years obviously after school I tried to get into Trinity that was my first choice of college because I like obviously I was completely out of my mind when I thought I was going to get in there anyway.

So I didn't get into Trinity College. But the last while there's been there's been a back and forth between Trinity College and Louisa. So basically I'm getting an award in Trinity College. I know. And I actually didn't post about it because I was like Someone's taking the piss out of me And I made Louisa Like we've been doing this Deep dive for ages To make sure that it's not

Like a piss take That I'm actually getting it But I missed my award On Tuesday Because I was puking But like Vogue I'm not being bad But like

I could be offered An award from Harvard It doesn't mean anything Do you know what I mean Like it doesn't mean anything Yes it does Yes it does Okay

It means that I basically have a degree from Trinity. It means you've been given a free award from Trinity without ever having set foot in the place. I've been in Trinity quite a few times.

You walked through to get to the DART station. It's a shortcut. We all know that. You haven't actually attended the university. Joanne, you know what? I'm always happy for you

and your accomplishments and this shade of green is not nice on you know I'm always happy for you and your accomplishments and this shade of green is not nice on you I'm sorry Dr. Williams what if they awarded you do show us none of your business

show us your scroll please I can't wait to attend your lectures what time will you be performing your lectures at in Trinity I'll be there

you're just so jealous because I actually saw a video about you this morning about taking seven years to do your pissy arts degree in UCD. So go fuck yourself, Kate. Dumbass.

How dare you? I had stunted development problems as you well know, Vogue. As you well know. Seven years. You could have been An actual doctor To do a three year degree Yeah

Apparently I'm getting A bench in UCD With my name on it That's stupid Sorry At least it's a tangible Award Something people can sit on

Yeah Okay What is your award Shove your bench from UCD Up your arse I'll take Trinity Any day What's the okay what is your award shove your bench from UCD up your arse I'll take Trinity any day what's the award what is the award please

I'm not discussing it with you no come on I want to know I want to know what is it what is it a doctorate in brillo pads I want to know

okay it is the I can't find where it is hustler of the year Miss Miss Williams is a role model

and inspiration and a certain broadening perspectives of members in our society the Ali Proleo Award

don't miss out this is an award that Joanne McNally will never receive she can shove her bench in UCD over ours

I cannot believe Trinidad you give someone Joanne McNally will never receive. She can shove her bench in UCD up her arse. I cannot believe Trinidad. You give someone a bench when they die, by the way. They're not even giving me a bench. I just said it because you were getting them word. I think they're going to name

an ashtray after me in the smoking section. Oh, that's very funny you can still be a Marlboro out in Juwan McNally there you go what an honour here I went to see your mate Mummy MOT go on how is she she's fantastic and I was thinking i did i thought about your vagina when i was in there i thought she did she did she finish her treatments off

i actually you know i was at an event for spencer's um clean coat tonight this journalist came over and she's like do you regret things that you share on the podcast and i was thinking yes i do actually i do want to get a google alert with all these like newspaper things but I was like but I can't not say it because then I'm blocking it in case the Daily Mail slag me and I nearly didn't want to tell this story but I think it will help other pregnant women you're such an activist for vaginas Vogue I mean really I'm a vagina activist no one told me this when I was pregnant with Theodore and I got the fright of my life one day when I looked down and I didn't recognize what I was looking at.

And I said, you know what, this time around, you should see, I'll show, I'll actually show you my vagina so you can see

what it looks like. It is just... Did it grow a nose? What happened? It's just very large. It's very large and very cushiony. I mean,

honestly, it grows in size. It just gets fatter. Every woman wants bigger lips. Now you've got bigger lips. This is great. That's the thing. Someone actually said to me today, have you got lip for it? I said, not in my face. What? Someone did. I actually got really offended by it as well. I was like, no, I'm pregnant first of all, but it's not liner I got did you ever get that done I didn't know

I knew the pregnancy could have very traumatic effects on a woman's body but bigger lips I mean surely that's just a benefit I mean I thought I wish they were facial lips not the ones down there I'm going to have to get new knickers I think

I'm going to have to get new underwear in bigger sizes so it's not like camel toe it's like dinosaur kneecap what have you got oh jesus christ yeah it's something along those lines what have you got what's a large what have you got what's bigger than a camel a fucking blue whale toe if they had toes you've got mammoth toe there's a woolly mammoth down there you've got mammoth foot it's not camel toe you've got mammoth foot

I went into mummy MOT though and I was like, is this normal? The whole vagina. And she's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's actually normal. So any new expectant mums out there, get ready because your,

because your fanny's about to get bigger. Well, sir, firstly, on behalf of all women who listen to the pod, thank you for raising awareness for fat fannies. I think that's very brave of you. I mean, it could have been a mental health charity

or cystic fibrosis, but no. You're going to be cutting the ribbon on various events raising awareness for fat fannies. And I am so proud of you. Thank you so much. I'm actually really appreciative of that. I think it's a great thing to do for people. Do you reckon this is going this is gonna like how is this

Daily Mail headline gonna run you're doing God's work folk you're doing God's work oh God so tell me about your fanny so basically I don't know I'll say the story did you ever hear that saying how's your gi for a gallop

no but that sounds like something that should be in my repertoire now that I'm back living in Ireland but I've just misread the culture now and I think it's fine

to say things like that I've gone too Irish hello Miss McNally welcome to the Montanari Hotel how's your gi for a gall too hard Welcome Miss McNally Welcome to the Montanari Hotel How's your gi for a gallop? Highly inappropriate Miss McNally

To be honest How's your gi for a gallop? Is that like as in It's just a general How are you? Or is it like Do you want Like are you up for the ride?

I think it's the kind of thing Yeah you should put that On your dating profile How's your gi for a gallop? Well Amber should put that on your dating profile. How's your gi for a gallop? Well, Amber should put that on hers. Yeah, my dating profile would be my gi is looking for a gallop. No? Yeah.

Joanna McNally. 32. Gi sweating for a gallop. 32. That's the funniest part about that. Excuse me. How dare you? my age is data protection from the gndd tpr so no one can know what it is i honestly sometimes i get a fright i actually got really upset walking across uh the badassy bridge the other day because i was like oh fuck i'm 40

in four years and then all i could think about was how close i was to death it just my mind spiraled i got into this big anxious wave and I was like, oh my God, I haven't done anything. I need to do more stuff. You're going to need a bigger coffin now.

You're going to need a bigger coffin now for that fat fanny you have as well. You're like, I'm going to need a wider one actually. A wider one. I'll have to be hoisted

out of my house. I know I told you the story before about my friend getting the gentleman stitch, right? Where the doctor just put in an extra stitch. But I was like,

would you not do us a favor and sew in, like stitch in a couple of extra clits? A couple of extra, that's a good idea. A clit. Why is it about,

why is it about him? We should come out of there looking like polka dots. Why is it about him? His pleasure. If you're going to do, if there's a load of clits lying around

stitch them into me please oh my god I actually hate that word clit yes I want to have

so many clits or you'd orgasm every time you sneezed can you imagine I'd like one or two more to be fair yeah and like don't put them in such an awkward position put them on my hands Or you'd orgasm every time you sneezed. I'd like one or two more to be fair. Yeah.

And like, don't put them in such an awkward position. Put them on my hands. Where everybody can reach them for God's sake. Don't make them so hard to find. I got really bad news during the week I mean really bad news for me obviously like it's not bad news in the grand scheme of things but like when you're pregnant you have to go and do this diabetes test I've always flown through it done really really, really well. Now I don't have diabetes. That's not the bad news. So, so I went in and my doctor was like, you're, you're, you're on the cusp.

You're on the cusp. Are you eating a lot of sugar? And I was like, well, I had a dip dab 20 minutes before I came here. So I could, I guess you could say that I've been, I just bulk ordered 50 dip dabs from Amazon, obviously. 50. And I only got through like four of them. And now I can't have dip dabs anymore. We're going to have to ring Jeff Bezos and have you cut.

We're going to have to cut you off. Broke, that's kind of scary. I know. Well, no, it's not really. I just literally have to stop eating dip dabs. Because I think it's the mix of dip dabs, hot chocolates and chocolate every day. That is kind of that mix together. Isn't great.

And I also eat some sweets as well during the day. Cause I just, they're just there. I'm very into the Marks and Spencer's busy pigtails. Do you have a sweet tooth? I would have thought though, cause you work out and stuff that that would kind of negate the sugar in your body,

but obviously not. I think it's my, I think it's my body telling me that this is the last pregnancy that like you can't do this again it's not right I'm not giving up dip dabs for nine months again

no way no way not that's not a life that I want to live the next baby you're like you're getting three months in the incubator

and then you're out because I'm only giving up dip dabs for three months and then you're done. You better cook yourself quick. Cook it up quick there. It's all I could possibly do. When you were talking about your flotation device, by the way, I've actually upped, if it's even possible.

Have you seen what I do in the bath? I, well, I, no. I don't open those videos to be honest, though, because I'm just not really sure what's in them. Well, I got myself, I'm going gonna buy you one for London right you're gonna start having baths in London okay and like it's this thing that goes across the bath you can put loads of bits on it there's one that has a wine glass holder I'll get you that one my one basically I put my laptop on it last night I was watching the newest Pam and Tommy I had milk on one side I didn't have a dip dab because I'm behaving

milk on one side and grapes on the other and I thought this is the fucking life floating away it sounds

absolutely divine and that's why it's so crazy that you could be in the army soon you're like I'm into bath bombs you know like

from Lush that's kind of my main war experience is that any good that was listen I feel like I lied my way into loads of jobs it's grand I once beat 3,000 people for um for a placement in London right and it was for a job for FF&E on a building site. And I went in and I remember the guy's name, Rebel. And like, I knew how many people were up for the job. And he was like, so, so like, do you like FF&E? Cause that's what you'll be looking after on site. And I'm like, yeah, sorry, sorry, sorry. I've got questions. What's FF&E? Yeah, listen, I had the same questions. I was like, oh my God, I love FF&EE that's like literally what I want to do when I finish

college I want to just do FF&E and it's fixtures fittings and electrical so like I used to spend hours like I'd go into all the toilets and measure where the toilet roll holders would go also I hadn't learned how to use a measuring tape so it was too late for him by then he'd already employed me I had told him I loved FF&E and I didn't learned how to use a measuring tape. So it was too late for him by then. He'd already employed me. I had told him I loved FF&E and I didn't know how to use a measuring tape. When I came back in after my first assignment of toilet roll holders, he was like, fuck, I've really made a ball to this one. They're all on the roof.

You're like, I feel like that's good FF&E, is it? It's on the roof. I really feel like I did a really good FF&E job there. That poor person that didn't get to have that job. And then, do you know what? Neil tried to send me to Qatar after because that's where they were all headed, all the people in my school. Like, they were all going to Qatar.

I was like, do you think I'm going to Qatar? And then I did Fade Street. I don't think Neil likes you very much. I mean, sending you to Qatar is a really extreme decision. What are you going to do? Like, sending you to Qatar is a really extreme decision. What are you going to, like, what, to insert toilet rolls

in Qatar? Like, that's the dream job he has for you. Listen, that's your limit, Vogue. You're really good. You're really shit

as FF and E's to go and do it in Qatar. Do you know, he is still furious with my sister. This is my stepdad, by the way, Neil.

He's still really pissed off that she didn't go to France in her gap year and go to school over there for a year and learn French he's still fucking he brings it up in arguments

I told you that you should have gone to France like he gets so so pissed off I bet Neil that is so spot on that is so good

he's like from the He's like from the Vogue You will be on my fast whistle Yeah yeah yeah Your mom's glad you asked If I accept that blows a whistle You fucking run Not to speak about nations

I know we don't like that We don't like to make sweeping generalizations We've established that but here we go She like to make sweeping generalisations we've established that but here we go she's on it again go on go on Margaret Thatcher what have you got to say now

if you piss off a Scottish person on your head Sophie it's like his whole family was like that like he would not

want to get in the wrong side of them still to this day I'd be careful about I would never say the F word or anything in front of Neil if he listened to this podcast he would think that I needed

to go to some kind of facility he'd be like what's wrong with her imagine we're dialing in next week and Vogue's like ringing in from Qatar we're like Vogue? Neil listens to the podcast.

I've been sent to a facility. Oh God. Neil, he's old school. He's like a wash out your mom with soap kind of vibes. I know. Well, my mom did that to Amber once years ago.

I'll never forget it because I stood there watching, you know, when you're younger and you're like, you love seeing other people get in trouble. And literally she had soap in her mouth it was it was fucking brilliant I remember what the old bathroom looked like and everything I found like it really had made my day Vogue you're the kind of woman who'd be queuing up to watch a beheading in the square that's the

kind of woman you are you'd be trying to nudge your way through to the front you'd be like sorry it's have VIP VIP I think I've got a box somewhere here I think I've got a box I'm no I'm definitely on the list I'm definitely on the list I can't believe you're saying

wait a second you're saying yeah don't start don't start don't start my Addison Lee is late I'll be at the beheading I'm going to be 20 minutes late

can you just can you just pause it like when you were saying you were watching your sister get her mouth washed I would say I thought you'd be like it was terrible

you were like it was amazing I can remember the scene the smell the excitement the thrill no I don't think

no I've never had that done to me oh my god stop like even now if one of us gets in trouble, like when we're in each other's company, I literally will be like. I've had two massages in my life, right? One was so gentle.

I think we actually made love. At one point, was It was horrible It was one of the worst experiences Of my life I was being caressed Like I think I was Low level molested At one stage

We were holding hands I was like What's going on here This is absolutely disgusting And she was just like Gently tapping me And stuff It was

It was horrible May I ask where that was Because that's unusual Ireland Oh Yeah Okay So Anyway It was horrible may I ask where that was because that's unusual Ireland oh yeah okay so um anyway it was like doing pregnancy tests after all I said that was just absolutely outrageous so anyway then I was going in for one recently because I knew my I knew my back was in bits like I've more knots on my back than a tapestry. Like it's just, it's like, it's actually,

you can sometimes you can feel the lumps. It's like braille across my back. It's so bad. So went in anyway. And to say she kicked the shit out of me, I made it clear at the very start. I said, nothing light now. I said, I want, I want low level violence, basically.

I don't want to be turned on again. I want low level violence violence and I was like that's what you need you need a masseuse who's going through something some sort of trauma a breakup someone who's desperately unhappy who needs to hurt something or bitch about them online before you go in like you just need someone who's in a really bad headspace who will just rinse you my back was so bad it was actually spasming at the start. She was like, it's got so many bumps in it. That's the only massage to get, in my opinion.

I'm not going in to be pet. I want to go in and be annihilated. I want to be, like sometimes I have to hold my breath. It's so sore. Do you know that you can, do you know that I was, I'm not a cat.

She's like, do you drive for a living? And I was like, well, I do spend a lot of time in a van. Yeah. I just do zero driving. Poor G a living and I was like well I do spend a lot of time in a van yeah I just do zero driving poor gearoid I was thinking actually do you know the way sometimes you get a happy ending

my happy ending they're like do you want a happy ending I'd be like yeah and then I'd want them to bring in like my driving license someone had done my test for me or something like that do you want a happy ending yeah where's the sausage dogs do you know that I did a TV show before

and there is a man that goes around right what was his fucking name again? And he goes around basically giving women massages because you're always hearing about fellas

getting a happy ending at the end. And then this fella goes around and gives women massages and then fingers them at the end. Gorgeous.

I'd find that very uncomfortable just to be lying there like it just depends what you're into like i'd say the one i had now i'd say she was heading that way i hate when they go too far up in the arch arch or touch a flap by mistake it's like oh no you've made me feel really uncomfortable sorry vogue yeah no one touched a flap by mistake it's like oh no you've made me feel really uncomfortable sorry Vogue yeah

no one touched a flap by mistake hun I've had a few flap touches and stuff yeah so then you were either

that you were you were happy ended is what you're saying I'm always getting happy I've never no I don't want I'm not having another another Daily Mail article

not even the Daily Mail they're the worst I'm getting Vogue gets Mail article Not even the Daily Mail They're the worst I'm getting That's like saying I was getting my eyebrows done And she accidentally touched my flap There's no There's no need for them To be accidentally touched

On your flap Sometimes I'd get a double flappage Yeah you were wanked off out It was a good massage It was a good massage Did you feel kind of rolls of pleasure running through your body

as you left you know Amber did you feel kind of like euphoric throughout your whole body now it was like a jolt of electricity I saw it.

Well, actually, it was on James Kavanaugh's Instagram. And I saw this woman. She just waltzed onto a flight in America, just like a regular flight in America. And she had a service animal. Like, I mean, they completely take the piss out of shit over there there was a girl on my flight uh to New York and she had this huge dog that anyway doesn't matter but the woman got on the flight and her service animal was a peacock yeah have you seen the size of a peacock like a male peacock with the giant long tail

I also so I don't think they're service so I there's a difference between a service animal is like a dog that actually works and then the emotional support animals I actually read about

them online yeah that's what I mean that's what they are yeah emotional support animals basically they've no talent so they can't do anything they're basically they're not the ones

Joanne's into they're me and you Vogue they're just talent talent talentless creatures on planes. They can't do anything except give comfort. That's why I think

a peacock is so strange because a peacock's completely up its own hell. Mad about themselves, a peacock. Swannin' around. How would you get emotional support

from a narcissist? It makes no sense to me. That's like you trying you get emotional support from a narcissist? It makes no sense to me. That's like you trying to get emotional support from Spencer. You don't. You come to your friends. That's precisely true.

Yeah. Do you want to hear other emotional support animals? Please. Well, there was a woman who had a kangaroo. She brought it into a McDonald's.

Jimmy, her emotional support kangaroo. She was it into a McDonald's. Jimmy, her emotional support kangaroo. She was actually asked to leave. No, because then it's not an emotional support animal. Then she just put a kangaroo into McDonald's. Because if they're an emotional support animal, they have all the correct paperwork. They've got little passports and everything. You can't be just dragging animals.

This is the thing. I saw a guy with an emotional support horse on a plane. Shut up. The neck of that. You're just trying to bring your horse on holidays. That's a holidaying horse. Here's what I thought you would like. This woman got booted off a US Airways flight

when her 80 pound emotional support pig became disruptive. It obviously had the right paperwork. Pigs are very very smart as we know pigs absolutely I'm not just saying this because this is what they're known for but they stink

pigs are so smart honestly they could probably drive the plane to be honest if you gave them half an hour in the cockpit they could probably drive the plane

miniature horses right they actually get the green light to fly the friendly skies they're just allowed because who doesn't if a miniature horse got on a plane with you i mean we'd have to hold you back but like you're not gonna be unhappy everyone wants to see a mini horse they're so adorable oh my god look at her apparently the problem with apparently there's a real

problem with micro pigs because people don't understand that they actually do grow up people think they just stay micro they're always getting

handed back into animal sanctuaries and stuff because they think they're going to stay the size of a hamster but they actually just grow to kind of half

the size of a normal pig anyway therapy animals are these they're emotional they're like teddy bears for adults, but I looked into some as well

and I was really upset. There's one, have you seen Esther the turkey? Oh, turkeys are so strange looking. But how can I go back now to eating a turkey knowing that there's a turkey out there literally willing to get you

through a hard time emotionally? Esther doesn't know what she's doing with herself well she's doing something she's just sitting there enjoying the free ride is what she's doing the other ones I found were Daniel the duck which was actually quite sad

it's just this duck looking out this airplane window and it reminded me of when I was a kid watching children play on the street when I was brought in already like ducks can fly if you actually had any respect for Daniel you'd be like

do you know what Daniel I'll meet you there you do your thing Aer Lingus used to I used to fly from Southend which was a nightmare it was miles away but they would do it

40 euro each way and then they just one day it just changed to 400 euro and I said I think it's more than that because one of my mates is moving to portugal and they priced taking the dog on the plane and now he's definitely getting the boat well yeah because well it didn't used to be

aerolingus were 40 euro and then one day it honestly just added a zero but winnie to come home now this will make you sick but the thing about it is i i had winnie for over a year and there was a couple of people who really wanted to keep him and I was like I can't leave Winnie in Australia like he's he was like a child he cost me five thousand dollars to get home I know you can't put it I'm sorry but you can't put a price on flying Winnie home from us but you can it's five grand but worth it and you know what else actually it turns out cost per pet has been worth it because it's not like he kicked the bucket straight away.

He's 10 now. I've gotten loads of wear out of him. Yeah you've gotten loads of wear out of him. Yeah. I can't wait to see when he's stuffed

in the basement one day. Just his head though remember just his head. Not a great bod. Are you body shaming Winston? I'm just saying if I have to pay

to have him stuffed I'm not paying for the whole lot. I'll just pay for the head. I'm sure if you could pay To have him stuffed I'm not paying for the whole lot I'll just pay for the head I'm sure If you could pay To have him stuffed Just don't put in

As much stuffing As you think Just don't put in As much stuffing As he had Before he died Imagine going I'd love to get my dog stuffed

Because I have such Amazing memories But could you make him A little bit thinner Could you kind of Tell him Just Just a little head Please The only of tell him just just a little head

please the only problem is he looks so bloody miserable everyone I told that everyone's always like what's wrong with Winnie

I'm like oh it must be like the amazing dog food I buy him or all the walks he has a day I don't know what's wrong with Winnie well I suppose

before you get him stuffed you could probably get him some lipo you absolute monster it's not that it's not it's not monster it's not that it's not it's not the it's not the skinny

or the fat it's the I just I've just got my head on the bot I actually can't believe you're saying this because his head

is so cute I never really pet his body I do pet his body but I prefer his head and his ears lovely face lovely face lovely face

so you just ignore him from the neck down basically he's the opposite of a prawn how do you even know he's a boy you clearly just

don't engage with his body at all I'll tell you what he is so obsessed with my brother my brother walked in the lipstick came straight out

I couldn't believe it yeah well also very good to him in fairness clearly better than we thought it's a bit weird but Winnie's like

it's time for my happy ending hi Alzo we have to stop talking about riding animals on this podcast it's just getting out of control I don't know if anyone's noticed Joanne's been posting

a lot of pictures of Winnie oh no you've actually just privately sent me them yeah I've privately sent them send me Winnie's nudes found him on Hinge I had this heated debate with this guy once

and I was like no no no no I have the facts I studied it in college because I was there for 20 years so some shit actually stuck in my head

doing my third arts degree I'm basically an artiste now because I was there for 20 years. So some shit actually stuck in my head. Doing my third arts degree. I'm basically an artiste now. I'm the Picasso of social sciences. Anyway, that girls perform better in all female schools because in mixed schools when they're young, they're worried that looking smart

will make it's not attractive. It's not sexy to look smart. So they don't study and they don't answer questions and stuff whereas men or sorry I said poor them boys really

excel because to them it is cool to look intelligent whereas with girls it's not if I have a daughter she won't even make eye contact with a lad

until she's in her late 60s at least no way absolutely disgusting the second Gigi starts getting good looking, I'm taking her out of that house in Battersea. Taking her off to a convent.

Gigi, actually, do you know what? Jesus. She got gifted. She got a present this week, Gigi Bear, of a bikini. But not like, not like, I don't even know what a cute bikini is

for like an under two year old. It was like a triangle bikini. And then an under two year old. It was like a triangle bikini. And then the bottoms had tie sides. I'm like, and it's just like dark grey. It's like something. It's like something I would wear. I was like, I am not putting my kid walking around the beach in a bikini with tie sides and triangle for the boob bits. I just don't know.

Me and Vogue talked about this, Jo. I just don't know how I feel about it. I don't know where I stand on it. Firstly, I know as a kid, I liked mimicking adults. So like I would smoke biros and wear high heels and stuff. Now, turning your child

into a tiny sex worker is obviously a different thing, but I know the babies will try and mimic. You know what I mean? But also, I think it's kind of problematic because it's suggesting that a baby's nipples should be covered yeah I don't want to see a baby with like tan lines on its you know what I mean like it's anywhere other than

like its little fat legs basically it's a little it's just a little bit weird I think and I remember like I used to go around in like bikini bottoms I remember the day that I thought shite I wish I had a bikini top I was on the beach in Portugal was this in the

Maldives at Christmas on the beach in Portugal and I was in the sea you just came through what do they call it when your tits come in oh you're coming in yeah you're coming on

you know you know when your nipples go all hard no I've literally you don't remember that happening see it happened to Amber first and she was like

mum I'm dying I'm sick and it was just because her boobs had started but like it starts in the nips so the nips get really hard and like me and Amber

didn't have boobs for years to be fair so I was glad it happened to her first but anyway I was on the beach and then Shane Lynn O'Hanlon

who was our friend her brother came down the beach and I remember staying in the sea for like an hour and a half being like I cannot get out of the sea because I've got no bikini top so that's when I think around 12 give a give a gal a bikini top there's some stuff that just even 12 I'd there's some stuff like look it's only a baby bikini if some people would see it as fun it's not like they sent you like a baby thong or like lingerie

do you know what I mean it is just kind of mimicking she's loads of that shit anyway she doesn't need it it's so weird do you know what though it's something that just looks like imagine imagine Gigi in a little wraparound dress there's just stuff just looks like imagine

imagine Gigi in a little wraparound dress there's just stuff that looks weird on kids and a bikini would look

also I have to say and this is controversial Jo I don't know if it's going to stay in it kind of depends on how hot

your kid is I'm sorry it does do you know all these people are like are you taking a photo of my

child get over it your child is people are like are you taking a photo of my child you're like get over it your child is not hot like it's got a mountain behind it that's way more attractive that's what I'm actually taking a photo of

you need to calm the fuck down oh no I hope my new baby doesn't have the same head the theatre came out with because you'll all judge him on our big day out I'll go to drop him home

and in the half an hour I leave you'll all abuse them well if if Gigi ends up wearing that bikini I'm buying the new baby a pair of chaps oh god

I just found it really weird I mean you can give babies something but like that's just for me a bit unacceptable but it's like you know they say

what do you get the person who has everything what do you get the baby who has everything a bikini it's like, you know, they say, what do you get the person who has everything? What do you get the baby who has everything? A bikini. It's the one thing she's guaranteed to not have. She definitely does not have a bikini. It's her first ever bikini.

Another thing. I'll tell you this much, Vogue. I'll tell you this much. She doesn't have the body first. Let's be real. Here, another thing that annoys me about people with babies i got this on theater not so much on gg can people stop mailing me telling me that my life is going to be hell when the third baby arrives because having three kids is like the worst thing that's ever going to

happen to you i'm quite excited about having three kids so keep your opinions up your own arsehole you don't have three kids people just constantly just are like mainly me being like oh it's going to be really hard your life will never

be the same now you've had three you should have had two you should have stuck with two I'm like oh my well it's far too late first of all

and second of all maybe I'm going to enjoy the madness you know yeah don't mind them people are people

they kind of feel like that's because that's because some people find themselves in a position they're struggling a little bit I met a woman in the spa

in Trim we were chatting she's four kids and yes did she regret her decisions absolutely but would she do things differently yes I think she would

actually that was the vibe I got she was like yeah she was like she was like a fugitive down in that spa it was like she was like a fugitive down in that spa it was like she was

on the run from her kids I always laugh at like this girl called Louisa Zisman and like when I had Theodore

she was like no stop stop just have the one child and I was like Louisa I'm not having just one child and then I got pregnant

with Gigi and she's like no really two is an honestly don't go past two look at you now stubborn as a mule stubborn as a mule

our spank paddles arrived for Wolf and Brat oh stunning yeah so one says Our spank paddles arrived from Wolf and Brat. Oh, stunning. Yeah. So, one says... Joanne, you follow them. I just follow them there, yeah.

What else have you been buying? Of course I do. Can't beat an old spank paddle. Come here. I'm not a human. These are quite nice. My cheeks went spanked themselves, as my mother always says.

So, basically, they gave us two. One's mine they gave us two one's called daddy's girl and one's called dirty little slut one has dirty little slut on it so i i would like i'm dirty little slut come on no that's i need i need that yeah so ideally you get daddy's dirty little slut or one that just says dirt a man just gets real dumb and dirt dirt dirt

dirt Joanna my name is dirt and cheap depends what we're doing on the time but you know what I think isn't it so funny the way like

where's my paddle I want that there's always a slight degradation against women and sex which I mean we're all kind of into on some level

so it's grand. Like, dirty little slut note. But, like, you'd never get a paddle for a man with, like, lazy little bastards on it. He'd be, like,

spanking him. You lazy little fuck. Look at you there. Fucking lying there doing nothing. You lazy little bollocks. Fix the Wi-Fi. Fix the Wi-Fi!

Or with orders like bleed the radiator you lazy bollocks. Bleed the radiator. Anyway, thanks for our paddles guys. We're absolutely delighted. Thank you so much for our paddles. Yeah.

I'm just wondering what else you said Joanne. Dirty little bitch. She didn't ask me. She just Do you know what? I thought she saw I thought she guessed correctly because I didn't ask for that. I just said listen me. Do you know what? I thought she saw, I thought she guessed correctly

because I didn't ask for that. I just said, listen, send us whatever you think. What colour are they? What colour did you go for? Pink. Kinky pink. Pinky kink. I didn't, again, this was all wolf in breath. They just read the room quite well. Supposedly people are very much into

spanking. I did a show about sex before and we did this spanking class. More is fine. Fucking hell. Honestly, you could pay me to do anything. I've said it before. But like, I was getting spanked on TV. I think my mom watched that as well.

But people are mad for it. My Auntie Gina, we went to Joanne's show last night my auntie gina she got her eyes lasered recently she was like does joanne look green to you i was like no you probably shouldn't have gone out in the sun as soon as you got your eyes lasered As soon as you got your eyes lasered. And as well, last night, last night,

I have never known somebody to continuously say, no, I'll get this round. No, I'll get this taxi. And I was like, Gina, are you saying this? Because one time I called Scabby on the pod. Did she?

Did you? And she's not even Scabby. I'm sorry. I just, is she green? No. And she's wearing a pink jumpsuit. I'm sorry. I'm just, is she green? No, and she's wearing a pink jumpsuit. Maybe she got a tint put in the eye.

Did she get a tint put in the eye? I, she went out in the sun and that's why her eyes are probably like that. Oh my God. Your shoes were interesting last night. My shoes?

I felt like you were going to bounce off the stage at one point. They're the new, they're the new Nyker Max. They're slightly platformed. Wow. Do you not like them? I have to say,

Joanne, we will never share shoes. We'll never agree on shoes. No, we'll never agree on shoes, but we will share clothes. I did, I did. Even Cass was like, they're big shoes.

Did she? Excuse me, they're the new Nike Air Max. How much did I set you back? They were a gift to myself. How much? 140. They have some cheek

charging that shit for runners. 140 quid? For runners? Do you know what? You're so right. We'll never share shoes because you've no taste from the ankles down.

Joanne, when you own those sandals that are going to come out soon because they're her summer sandals, you cannot tell me I have no taste. Excuse me. Excuse me.

Now tell me if you don't like... I know you don't like heels. Come on. What's wrong with them? They're just... There's nothing disgusting about them. They're pathetic. They're not even a real shoe.

My toes look so embarrassing. God. Where are you going in those heels? Every time I come here there's pap sitting outside. There was a pap outside today and I'm walking in like... Did you ring them?

Is that why they're there? No, I didn't ring them. Everyone says, I wish I would be making money off that. They camp outside, but I got there and there's all these people

looking for autographs. Not mine. Obviously, Amanda Holden's because she walks out at around the same time. But they saw me getting pictured and it's like a pity autograph. It's like,

I know you don't even want this. One person was a tourist walking around Leicester Square and I'm like, you definitely don't know who I am. And I was like, I know you don't even want this. One person was a tourist walking around Leicester Square and I'm like, you definitely don't know who I am. And I'm like, what are you going to do with that?

I've had that happen to me as well. When I did stand in for Cats Does Countdown, but it was the same thing. It was people collecting autographs at the front. And again, they hadn't a clue who I was.

But I think it's so old school asking for autographs. It's so sweet. I know, but what do you do with them? They collect them. It's a real old school. To me, it's up there with train spotting.

It's quite an anarchy, nerdy thing to do. I remember once I asked Jamie, Redknapp and Louise for an autograph. Did you? Years ago, they were in Sardinia Airport

and I saw them and me and my sister went over and asked for an autograph. I'd actually, I think autographs are a much better way to go. Like I, obviously you want it,

if people come up to you it's so nice when they come up to you but like, I'm having photographs taken out that are literally giving me anxiety

they're so bad. I know. In the gym. In the gym. I was on a fucking rowing machine. I was on a rowing machine. Listen Joanne,

you have to take your moment. I applaud that girl. Every dog has its day. Look it, there I am, rowing machine. Listen, Joanne, you have to take your moment. I applaud that girl. Every dog has its day. Look, there I am, rowing away. There's nothing. Sweat dripping off me, mascara running down my... Like, I'm not a sex... I don't look sexy when I wear...

I'm not one of these sexy sweaters, as we know. You're quite a sweaty sweater. I know, yeah. So can you imagine me on a rowing machine? No. Anyway, that's what I mean. Just every time now I'm like, put a filter on it. I'm like, literally Photoshop that to shit. Like Kardashian, that shit. Like, I want every time now I'm like put a filter on it. I'm like literally Photoshop that to shit.

Like Kardashian that shit. Like I want to see my head kind of grooved into the back. More Paris. More than Paris. Oh, Paris solves everything. One guy downstairs

asked me to take off my sunglasses. I thought, excuse me? What do you mean? For his picture. It's because he's trying to figure out who you are. Yeah.

Are you a man, Jack? Yeah. are you a man Jack yeah one of my favourite parts of the pod is when Joanne McNally tries to sell herself so just for you and for me here you go

my UK tour is on sale and there's I'm going loads places like do you want to send me and I'll do it for you like in a nice way no my UK tour went on sale and i'm just oh my god hold on stop stop it joe just give me a second

please sorry if i have it my uk tour is on sale i'm going to i'm going everywhere i'm going to places like bath nottingham south end telford yoelford, Yeovil, Brighton Dome, Leeds, Corn... My UK tour is now on sale. I'm going all over the place, including places like Bath, Nottingham, Southend, Telford, Yeovil, Brighton Dome, Leeds, Corn Exchange. I also have a fresh... Killarney Arena date going on sale tomorrow,

and there's still tickets for the SSE Arena in Belfast. Don't come, it's too embarrassing. So we all know how good at it. I fucked up myself. See, it's not easy, is it?