My Therapist Ghosted Me - BONUS EPISODE: Bats, Pwingies, Feet, Birds, Bees & More!

Episode Date: April 21, 2023

It's time for another dive into the MTGM archives for some of the highlights! If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] review Global's Privacy Policy: https://global.com/legal/privacy-policy/MTGM is going on tour in Ireland & The UK! Remember to check the venue websites as well as Ticketmaster!For more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThis episode contains explicit language and adult themes that may not be suitable for all listeners.Thank you!

This is a Global Player original podcast. Hello and welcome to My Therapist Goes To Me With Me, Bo Williams and Joanne McAuley. McWho? McAuley. McAuley. McAuley. It's quite rude. McAuley. Welcome Joanne MacAli. MacAli. MacAli. That's quite rude. MacAli. Welcome Joanna MacAli.

This is an episode from the archives, from our library, Joe. Our library of episodes. Fiogh Williams and I have a library, if you can believe that. Who? Fiogh? Fiogh? Fiogh? Fiogh? Fiogh? Fiogh? Fiog, fiog, fiog, fiog, fiog, fiog. Fiog, Williams and I own a library. It's not a sentence I ever thought I'd say, but we do. My head is so far up my ass that you'd assume it would make my ass bigger, but it hasn't, which is a sad downside. I have to say I'm very happy with my bum at the moment.

My God. I nearly went too far and sent, I saw a picture of myself because John and I have been doing like serious ass exercises. Vogue, I cannot be happy with a woman who's happy with her body. I'm sorry, you weirdo. John. My arse. I saw a picture of it. You know when you see yourself behind and you're like,

you actually shudder. Now, I was in a great pair of leggings. I nearly sent John a picture of my ass and then I was like, that's too far. Yeah, no, we can't send John. We can't send John body shots. No you can't send ass pictures it's unacceptable.

But anyway So you're happy with your body? I didn't say I was happy with my body. That's a million listeners gone. Thanks folks. You have to hate yourself it's part of being a woman.

Listen I hate my legs I hate my legs. Someone mailed me today and they were like you and Amber have the same legs I thought I won't tell her that. You've got great legs you just stop. Listen, I hate my legs. I hate my legs. Someone mailed me today and they were like, you and Amber have the same legs. I thought, I won't tell her that. You've got great legs.

You just stop. Anyway, I'm delighted for you that you're happy with your body. I mean, I'll never see you again. Stop saying body. I said ass. That's a cute, but that's a very important part. No one's happy with their ass.

I've been trying really hard with the RSVP. We've been doing like nonstop. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Boom. Isn't it weird the way dimples in your face are cute but dimples in your arse

are not cute? So if someone's like, oh, I love your dimples, you're like, they're definitely not the ones in my arse. You're definitely talking about the ones in my face.

I like a face dimple. Yeah. I like an arse dimple. But you can't iron them out. You should be able to iron your own arse. Supposedly, you can inject them

with this stuff that gets rid of the fat that makes it wrinkly like that. But some women, and these are women obviously we'll never hang around with, have no cellulite. None. Ghosted listeners, I just want to reassure you that I despise myself. So if what Focus said has triggered you massively, rest assured, I fucking hate myself.

So there you go. I'm sorry for what I said about my arse, okay? I think we should cut it out, to be honest. Joe, cut that out. Unrelatable. I think that's going to have to go. Do you know what I have realised, though? Firstly, why don't we all just live in Barcelona? It's the most amazing city

ever. The sun, the heat. Do they still have the ferrets along that long, weird street? Les Ramblas? Yeah, yeah. I didn't see any ferrets. Oh, they used to sell ferrets along there. I always thought I'd like a ferret. Hmm.

Quite cute and long. Did you see the bat? Cute and long. She's gone. She's gone. The holiday's over. She's gone. Cute and long.

She's gone to a bat. Yeah, what is the crack? Some girl met... I just want to say... It's amazing, her brain. It's like, it's unbelievable. Well, ferret, Barcelona, bat. Yeah, I can see how that happens.

I want to go back to the holiday. The last thing I'm going to say about the holiday, it was really, really lovely. I do think tapas are a bit of a cod, though. They're basically just chips. Like, those potatoes... If I see another potato, I'm like,

and the I love a prawn but don't bring them to me in their little shell gaffs no because I can't get them out

I'm putting in a shift trying to get them open and you only get a tiny nug you only get like a tic tac size bit out now if you're trying to lose a bit of weight

that would be the way to go because you spend so long doing it you just give up do you know what I'd rather starve 100% that's a very important message

leave that in send that out to the women in the eating disorder clinics so I got a message because you know the way I look I don't know what folks sometimes

it's on holidays I'm not looking at their stories and all but like some girl just messaged me going classic Vogue has a bat in her house asked for help

but she won't read her DMs will you please tell her I was like what is going on well first of all I don't know what people think of me but they're like

you can't you can't like hurt the bat hold on tell me so there was a bat in the house in Ireland there's a bat in the house in Ireland

so Amber was sending us videos the night before she spotted the bat and Megan was like it's a moth it has to be a moth it was in the house in Ireland so Amber was sending us videos the night before she spotted the bat and Megan was like it's a moth it has to be a moth it was in the bathroom and I was like

it's a pretty big moth and I didn't realise how scared I was of bats then it had like nestled even though they sleep upside down it's so weird why are you asleep

upside down good for collagen though they do look good oh they do look good in fairness this one was a baby bat and he went into Otto's towel

and was just sleeping there for the whole day so everyone was like don't kill the bat you can't kill like I would never kill I wouldn't even kill a rat if it was in my house

no I can't see you banging a bat against a wall no imagine they're like they're a protected species that's why I took the story down because I was like if one more person suggests

I'm going to murder the bat we didn't murder the bat. We actually opened the window. We were Googling all these bat facts and supposedly they can sneak in a hole like 1.5 centimetres. Like, they're really... Like, I mean, they're not...

They're not big animals. I'm sad. Well, I was... Like, I don't mean to be controversial now, but like, if you can't kill a bat, bats have been killing us for the last couple of years.

It's not how this whole shit show started. Was there not a bat jumping out of a cage and moving? No. Why are people standing up for bats? I said that and Spenny was like. It's not how this whole shit show started. Was there not a bat jumping out of a cage in Wuhan? No. Why are bats standing up for bats? I said that and Spenny was like, that's not true.

That's not what happened. A devil happened with a bat. They're kind of cute. I just don't like that. They don't know where they're going. So anyway, they don't. They're blind.

They're not. That's not true. That's not true. Bat facts. This is what I don't understand. Blind as a bat. Makes no sense. Bats have incredible vision.

I thought they had incredible hearing. How do you think it got out of the cage? Well, we opened the window. Go. We opened the window and it must have felt the air or something like that. But they are frightening

because they're just unpredictable. I don't know where they're going to go. Yeah, and they're not lookers. I don't want their wings touching me. They're not lookers now. They're kind of spooky looking, yeah. Have you ever seen an owl's legs? If you lift up an owl's legs? If you lift up

an owl's feathers it's got full blown cape moss legs. Yeah if you shaved an owl their body have you never seen a shaved owl?

Their bodies What beauticians are you going to? How have you seen a shaved owl? I'm going to show you the shaved owl. Like I've never seen

any I'm sure I showed you this before. It's like you're going to get waxed in a veterinarian clinic. Now, wait, Lucy. Google owl's legs. You'll never... That actually came up. Didn't it? Yeah.

If you upskirted an owl, which you can't, it's against the law. You'd have really long legs. Oh, my God, your legs are fantastic. I know. That's legs I can only dream of. I love legs. Like, I want. That's legs I can only dream of. I know. Legs. Like, I want to show that picture to John Belton.

Like, this is what I want. This is what I want for myself. Excuse me, John, why isn't this happening? Look at the tone and everything. Oh my God. Look at the muscle tone. Do you know I was watching The Staircase? It's because they're from picking up all the mice and everything.

And the women, yeah, because you're a bat-killed woman. That's not true. Your man obviously kills the wife, isn't he? No. If you believe the bat, the cow, or whatever. What's happening? So the...

The cow came into the house and threw her down the stairs. So there's a kind of a true crime story. It's true, obviously, and a crime. About a guy, a man crime story it's true obviously and a crime about a guy a man who his wife was found like viciously beaten to death

at the end of their stairs in their house and it's called Staircase and there's been like true crime and it's been turned into a Netflix documentary blah blah blah

but he went to court and now it's on Sky with Tony Collette and it's actually very good he went to court but it was just one of those freak accidents but I did a deep dive on this a while ago and they said that there was no so I saw it on Sky with Tony Collette and it's actually very good. He went to court, but it was just one of those freak accidents.

But I did a deep dive on this a while ago and they said that there was no... So, it was... I genuinely think an owl came in because it was in this really narrow staircase and there was so much blood, but there was no... I know this is kind of gruesome, like backlash?

Do you know what I mean? The blood specialist was like, if he'd hit her, there'd be blood splattered on the wall behind her. There was none of that. It was just this really freaky incident. Well, I mean,

a woman was murdered. It's more than an incident, but anyway, I heard somewhere it was an owl and now that I've seen those legs, I'm completely willing to believe it.

But when you do see the claw marks, I would not like to be attacked by an owl. That looks just horrific. Not ideal. No, not killable. Actually, speaking of animals,

sorry, again, I was Googling this for Theodore the other day because he's obsessed with animals. Hippos. Hippos kill 500 people a year. They're the most dangerous animal. Imagine being dragged

underwater by a hippo. If you see them, how fast they go in water, I was Googling videos. Terrifying. See, but that's another false fact about hippos. That's true.

No, no, no, I don't mean that. I mean, there's a false understanding that hippos are kind of lazy and slow and friendly. They are not. So I went to Jersey Zoo when I was in Jersey, which you're going to love.

Oh my God, amazing. Big fan of Jersey. And they have a lovely selection of flamingos. And it made me think I've made a big mistake. That you didn't get the flamingo. I should have.

I was being cheap. Yeah. I should have got the flamingo. I agree. Is it too late? I think it's too late. The flamingo's gone. Will there be others?

I'd like if one from Jersey Zoo had died because they're really, they've got the flamingo. I agree. Is it too late? I think it's too late. The flamingo's gone. Well, there'll be others. I'd like if one from Jersey Zoo had died because they're really, they've got nice colouring so I might wait for one of them. Flamingos are not immortal. There will be another flamingo on the market, I'm sure. One of them looked a bit rough.

He looked like he was about to... He's lived a life. Yeah, he'd lived his life. He was on the way out. So I might actually call them. Do you think I could call them and just ask them about it? Are they the...

100%! How are the flamingos? You're like, what's the crack with getting him stuffed and putting him in my hallway? Tell no one. Hey, I was hoping I could buy one of those flamingos

to use as a coat rack. He could go beside the bat. Joking, I didn't kill the bat. I'll have the Bat Society ask me if there is a Bat Society. Of course there is a bad society. Of course there is. Okay, Joanne, there was an email that you didn't choose last week and I had a read of it and I thought that's a bit up our street. So I thought we could drag it into this week. Okay, you ready? I was sat scrolling Facebook and realized my dad

had uploaded something on a story. He doesn't really know how to use Facebook. So for him to upload in a story, I thought that's odd. I clicked on it to see he had uploaded a photo of his Willie on his story. I was so mortified that I forced my partner to call my dad and tell him what had happened. My partner called my dad and said, all right, mate, you've uploaded a photo of your Willie onto Facebook. My dad dropped the phone in panic and had no idea how to take it down, so I had to log in and remove the photo. Just I'm so embarrassed for him.

I'm so embarrassed for her. She had to see a picture of her dad's dick. Well, so we need Okay, not great. Not great at all. Not great. But it was, it's your original home.

Come on. Like, let's not, you can't deny science. That's biology. It must have brought back memories for her. Yeah, you're, yeah, exactly. You're like, I recognize, I recognize that little sitting room ball at the bottom. Yeah, that place has been done up. Yeah, exactly. has been done up. Yeah, exactly.

That's really changed. It's weird going back and seeing your first home. That is actually so disgusting. It's true. Also, maybe, you know, it wasn't a sexual thing. Maybe he's trying to send it to his doctor. Did it look infected? Did it look unwell?

Was it erect? You know what I mean? There's a lot of questions there. It might have just been. Oh my God. Was it erect? He might have been trying to say. It might have just been, you know, was it a medical context?

It could have been a medical context. I didn't even, do you know what? I didn't even think about why he would have that picture on his phone. That wasn't the bit that was scarring to me. The bit that was like, I wouldn't be able to handle if I had to see that. Particularly because my dad's been dead 10 years. I know, not great. That's dusty. I would find

that like, but Spenny was like... Well, you'd have to be on an archaeological dig, and I'm more than myself. You'd be like dusting it down with a brush to try and see it. I found something! I found something! But what was, now that you've mentioned that, what was the dad of, like, why did he have a picture of a dick?

This is why older people using tech, like, and I'm basically like a geriatric woman when it comes to technology. I'm really bad at it. How I haven't accidentally uploaded a photo of my nipple to my Insta stories, I don't know. It's definitely something that's going to happen. I mean, even you did it. You did it with our review that time. You accidentally uploaded a photo of my nipple to my instastories I don't know it's definitely something that's going to happen I mean even you did it you did it with our review that time you accidentally uploaded it to your whatsapp oh god I know I know so I can see it happening all the

time actually that's a good one if people would send us in stuff they accidentally uploaded yes that'd be so good I don't know why I find Vogue's um eyebrows so hilarious I don't know why I find Vogue's eyebrows so hilarious. I don't know why I find them so hilarious. They're like little slugs on my face, aren't they? They're absolute slugs, yeah. I spend a lot, excuse me, Slug Ella, look at your brows. They're hardly a skinny brow.

No, but yours are just really furry. They're just cute. They're like, if I saw them not on your face, I'd put them in a jar and they'd probably live a happy life they turn into a butterfly Spencer sometimes looks at mine when I brush them up and he's like and I can just see his face I'm like don't say it don't say it they're absolutely genuine and you're always you're always at them you're always like grooming them and quaffing them and stuff um Can we talk about your hair? Listen.

You look like I'm about to put you into crufts. What are those dogs? Jo what are those long kind of blonde haired

dogs? That get their like curly blow dry done for crufts. I've never seen a weirder hairstyle on you in my

human existence. Joanne I just had to do a shoot right and this is meant to be an undone look and I've been dragging the head off myself. Who was the shoot for? Was it for a nursing home? I know. I've never seen a weirder blow dry. I don't know what to do. I'm not washing my hair again. Do you know how annoying that is? I just have to live with this. This is life now. Shut

up, Jo, with your perfect hair, you asshole. You look like you're collaborating with the funeral home or a life insurance company. Wait, wait, wait. Wait till I take... The headphones are saving it. Hang on a second.

Whoa. It's like Irish dancing. Hang on. You're the star. You're the best. You're the star of the show for me. Dog number three with the eyebrows

i want to lift up its tail it's going through to the next jesus actually you wouldn't want to take offense on this podcast the two of you a second i get the second my scream popped up you just start pissing yourselves laughing at my hair at my hair we never know what's going to meet us because you've you've such a weird job that we literally have no idea what's going to come on

when the camera comes on oh my god you could be sitting there dressed as Peppa Pig you could be sitting there with whatever's going on now this kind of geriatric blow dry

you just don't know it you anyway just anyway sorry it's where we are it's where we are and do you know why do you know why I have it?

Because I was doing a shoot last week because of my new Lucy and Egil collab. And I was in charge of bringing the clothes. I organized the shoot and I was bringing the clothes and everything like that. And then I sent the pictures smug as fuck because I was like, they look amazing. It's going to be brilliant. And then Lucy wrote back and she goes, where are the ones with the tops? Well, didn't I leave the house without the tops? did I shoot them no I did not so I had to shoot them today and she was actually I was like thanks for being so sound and not giving out to me

what do you mean the tops what did you do there's two tops oh god I can't put my hair back I look like a man that actually looks good I mean listen I look at the I cannot I'm hiding behind a microphone I for the look you're wearing Peter's top you've got black things coming out your ears and you have roots sorry this isn't

firstly this isn't Peter's top this is my top secondly they're not roots they're called slag strips that was a creative fashion choice

on my part the 90s are back baby but I can't I just can't get any kind of like my hair's just so lank at the moment it's I just can't get any sort of volume in it or something I don't know what's going on it's just it's all just real pathetic at the moment and I'm booked in for a curly blow-dry at the weekend hopefully that'll do something for it oh well I wouldn't go as far look at look at that like I do look like a dog you absolutely look like a dog but a dog who would be look like a dog. But a dog who would be in the top five? Oh, defo. I would definitely be in the top five.

One of those dogs with the really long faces, Jo. And they have really long blonde hair. That's what I look like. A long-faced dog. Well, just today with the hairstyle. Do you know who I will take? You know that thing from the land? Is it the land before time?

The long dog? That's who I will take? You know that thing from the land? Is it the land before time? The long dog? Yes. That's who I, like, and he's glorious flying through the sky. That's what I'll take. Yeah, well, at the moment you look like you took

a can of pedigree chum into your hairdresser, pointed the tin and went, I want to look like one of those, please. The ones with the long hair is an Afghan hound. That's what she looks like! Oh my God!

Afghan hound! I am sorry. Afghan hound that's what she looks like oh my god afghan hound I am sorry afghan hound let me see google it there guys I've actually got something on I'm gonna have to leave you to

do it oh my god I do that's the exact kind of thing I was thinking you've just got to do your agility course.

I want to see if I'm running through those tunnel tubes. Okay, I will take this. The Afghan hound is a hound that is distinguished by its thick, fine, silky coat and its tail with a ring curl at the end. Thank you. Yeah, okay, I'll be that. I'd lose interest. I know that people say like oh god you you didn't do that for very long i'm fucking glad if it's quick and efficient i don't want to be sitting there yeah yeah yeah joe just swear i don't know like i even Do you know what I mean Even if it's a bit premature

I've always got things to do I'm Hello Meet your sister I've got a load of shit on Do you know what I mean I've usually held the hoover If you lose the run of yourself

Before you've even made it inside me There's no complaints here I've got a lot of commitments at the moment you know what i mean too busy in and out brussels right let's go i'm close as well ever ever not to go into detail but like if you ever go on top of yourself very tiring after less than a minute very tiring and they're very slow to take the reins i'm like come on here this is a you start yeah i give up i'm like now I'm done yeah will you move me around there yourself because I've really exerted myself here now so

but sometimes but sometimes I'm like god this is actually great for the thighs great for the thighs and I just push on drop completely lost interest in anything else I'm now exercising oh god your potty power days remember was it was a potty power you rode the horse for I'll tell you what happened I rode the horse for Ladbrokes right and so they had Brooks yeah so they had to get me a horse to ride in the race and the horse was called potty power so they had to rename the horse something else because that was the only horse they could get me i have this image of you now kind of like thinking you're riding a horse on spencer and trying to like what do you say when you take a jump but do you just say take a jump i don't know i don't jump but i always wore i always wear my riding hat when spenny and i are getting it on. Ah, yeah. Sometimes the back protector

depends what we're up to. Yeah, the jodhpurs are out. The jodhpurs are out. It was tough to find a pair of crotchless jodhpurs, but I got them there in the end. Someone tagged me in the story. They were like, I think you'd enjoy this. And I absolutely did.

So it was someone who wrote in to an agony aunt online. And the agony aunt re-shared it. It's kind of long, but anyway. Backstory. Me and my boyfriend were on holiday in Tenerife a few months ago. We were in an all-inclusive resort. And we were standing in one of the shops in the lobby where you can buy extra snacks and stuff. A very posh British man walked in with his 12

year old son and they were looking around the shop. They went over to where the crisps were and the boys seemed very interested in the Pringles. The father then asked him in a very cutesy, possibly over the top for his age voice, do you want some Pwingies for the room? Yes, he called Pringles Pwingies. Me and my boyfriend found this quite funny. The first few days were fine

we were both joking about it and kept repeating it to one another as it was a funny way to refer to Pringles. Especially as the man was talking to his son like he was a baby. This was at the start of our two weeks holiday. My boyfriend did not stop saying, do you want some Twinkies for the room for the whole two weeks we were on holiday. He would literally say it at least once a minute.

He would even torment me by starting a sentence completely unrelated to it. Then finishing with, do you want some Twinkies for the room? As some sort of sick punchline. It's been over

three months since we've returned and he will not stop saying do you want some Twinkies for the room? It's driving me insane. I have begged him

to stop. I have begged him to stop but he honestly thinks I'm just playing along with his joke. I can't have a serious conversation with him because he always manages to slip in. Do you want some winking through the room? This is a five-year relationship. It was absolutely fine up until this point.

This is the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with but now I don't even want to see him because I'm afraid of what he will say do you want some Twinkies to throw

I'm not refusing to talk to him unless he stops I'm honestly afraid that he will say he's going to stop and then just carry on please help

am I blowing this out of proportion. Please say she wrote back. Please say she wrote back. Oh God, it made me laugh so much. The agony out right back. I only read that

and then obviously pissed myself I actually feel what's happened there is that he actually wants to break up with her do you think there's no way he could continue

that's a sick joke that's gone too far yeah yeah yeah I do want some brinkies though you'd read you'd read the room after a while

wouldn't you but otherwise this is the man who wants to spend the rest of my life I'm worried he'll say he'll stop but he won't

he's obviously got addiction issues and now he's addicted to saying Pwingies do you want some Pwingies for the room? it is a much nicer word Pringles if you're listening

you should actually you should rethink your name Pringies is much nicer I want a Pringie I don't want a Pringle I don't like baby do you know what I mean

yeah yeah do you know when people are like I also don't like too heavy an abbreviation do you know what the Australians no respect, yeah. Do you know when people are like, I also don't like too heavy an abbreviation. Do you know what the Australians, no respect, I love an Aussie, but they abbreviate everything.

What's your Eddie? Your address? Yeah, it's like, come on guys. I don't like baby chat past a certain age. Like obviously I'll baby chat Otto, but like not,

when they start like saying hi and stuff like that, that's when the baby chat stops for me. Also, when I, there was a woman on the train the other day

obviously where I fucking live and she was like, Mummy's stressed! Get the bags! Mummy's! And I was like, she was like this really posh English,

her kids were wearing bowler hats and everything. And I was like, anyone who refers themselves as mummy the whole time, the kids were like old enough to know who she was.

Do you know what I mean? Mummy's stressed! Gather your bags for mummy! Please children, get back! And I was like, calm down I'm kind of worried that I do that

come to mama yeah but that's different because they need to come to you this is true and they're already young okay two emails to listen to

hit me hi I've been seeing my boyfriend for two years it's all going great yay finally but his ex-girlfriend from seven years ago has been watching

my Instagram stories on the reg uh oh yes I know I should Scarlett for getting caught yeah you dumbass but his ex-girlfriend from seven years ago has been watching my Instagram stories on the reg. Uh-oh. Yes, I know I should just... Scarlett, forget and go. Yeah, you dumbass. Yeah. Open another account.

It's a stock account. Jesus. You weirdo. If you're going to be weird, just like get it sorted. Do you want me to tell you what to do? Yes, I know I should just make my... I have... Do you want some Twinkies? I have Do you want some

Twinkies? I have Is it a twink Is it the twinkies? So the Grand Prix Can we Can we discuss? Yeah the Grand Prix

Was great The Grand Prix So Vogue sends me a, the Grand Prix was great. The Grand Prix. Vogue sends me a photo of herself with her Afghan hair, wearing her Afghan hound hair, getting choppered into the Grand Prix with these huge big headphones. Are we trying to make each other seem really unrelatable? Even spending the day doing our podcast,

he was like, oh, and then we got a lift with someone else I was like oh he's not going to mention the helicopter we got the bus to the Grand Prix we got the 184

from Battersea to the Grand Prix she was choppered in Jo she was choppered in like a truffle she sent me

these photos of her wearing the big headphones and I was like you look fab and then a photo of Otto wearing the big

headphones and of course because I'm Gigi obsessed I was like send me a photo of Gigi wearing her headphones and and I was like you look fab and then a photo of Otto wearing the big headphones and of course because I'm Gigi obsessed I was like send me a photo of Gigi wearing her headphones and folks like

Gigi wasn't invited too white and I was like she's an either with Theodore and I was like these children are going to wake up

Gigi's going to grow up with massive issues middle child syndrome. You're not meant to bring any kids to the Grand Prix. I'm just breastfeeding, and I couldn't get anyone to my auto, so I had to take them. What?

Is that how you get into the Grand Prix? Breastfeed me. I want to go to the Grand Prix. Breastfeed me. Joanne has to come with me. She has to get breastfed at two, four, and six. Yeah. Jesus, you're a needy baby imagine

throwing a towel over my like a tea towel over my head i'm just suckling away but actually i got so much abuse um for because i obviously read comments because we got popped unknowingly and uh and i read all these comments it was so abusive about the fact that i brought otto to the grand prix and it was like what the hell do you want me to do he's got ear defenders on he had a great time poor Otto I can't wait for Gigi to be in therapy as a woman and she's like

living her most privileged life and she's in there for trauma because she wasn't brought to the Grand Prix as a child in a helicopter she actually it was poor Theodore someone mentioned that we were going to get a helicopter and I thought don't mention that to Theodore

and he was bawling crying when he left because he really wanted to get on the helicopter where do they pick you up from

like where do you get like it's it's so it was it's in Battersea there's a helipad and you know what I haven't been

on a helicopter since I did the Bear Grylls show and they're actually so cool like I'd love to go on a helicopter ride around did the Bear Grylls show. And they're actually so cool. Like, I'd love to go on a helicopter ride around London. You can just look into everyone's house. You can look into everyone's...

The amount of pools people have. A lot of swimming pools in England. I'm sure you could go on like a helicopter trip, couldn't you, Joe? Yeah, we could arrange that. We could do the pod from a helicopter one day. Yeah, no, yeah, we can. Well, considering how much you eat on the pod from a helicopter one day yeah no yeah we can well considering how much you eat on the pod i don't think it would be the noise levels would probably be the same because i'm usually trying to get some a few things done at once

oh my god we've got some we've got some good emails right i just wanted to put out a public service announcement for all the single ladies on Bumble. I recently matched with not one, but two chaps around the same time who both had a thing for feet. One of them insisted that it'd be good to meet up for him to suck my feet.

I said to him, I'm not really into that. He should probably download Field. Oh, I have to tell you about that. Let me say this chap was insisted. He stated he would pay for my pedicure in advance as a show of good faith. I'm not exactly flush at the moment. So I was like, OK, that sounds all right.

He insisted it wasn't a sex. I mean, who's going to say no to a pedicure? He insisted it wasn't a sexual experience and I didn't have to get undressed or anything. Now, I know what you're thinking. This girl is going to get killed. Well, I wasn't really going to meet up with this chap. I was just intrigued and being egged on by some girlfriends who found it very entertaining. Anyway, the chap asks, what's my fee? I have no idea what to charge somebody while I sit there for 30 minutes while

he sucks my feet in a London hotel room. One of my girlfriends says 450. The chap agrees and seems delighted with my low fee. We then laugh, sip our wine and look back down my phone to see Bumble has blocked me. I've been blocked for buying or selling services. Oh my God. The PSA I would like to push out to all females is Bumble's filters are fab. So don't entertain the creepy foot man. Even for jokes as you'll get blocked for life. Oh my God. Hold on a second. I don't know what's more shocking. The fact that you can let someone suck your toe and get 450 quid in cash tax free VAT I'm sorry but like I think that we should look into that because I don't care who wants to suck my feet anyone can for 450 quid but another thing I have just heard of that

app field that she mentions there have you heard of that go on well it's people that are into very very different kinds of things and somebody like and i was like like what kind of different things and somebody was like oh well like i don't know if we can keep this in but said that they had pissed in someone's mouth and that was the kind of thing that they were looking for like what i don't want anyone to piss in my mouth so apparently I'd say you've had a bit of piss in your mouth over the years I actually I actually yeah yeah even something on the wind beside a urine or just driving past a urine and I'd say a little bit got in I actually pissed in my own mouth when you think about it when I did the bear grills and I drank my own piss hideous imagine somebody just being like hang on a second. And I know boys

can't piss when they've got a hard dick. So they're not even hard. They're just pissing in your mouth before they're turned on. So I remember reading something about this before when I did that kind of deep dive on fetishes and it was saying that the part of your brain where that deals with arousal is very

near the part of your brain that deals with kind of your bladder issues and so the two get I think or no sorry I'm wrong I'm wrong just keep going

listen don't let the truth get in the way of a good story keep going I like it the part of your brain that deals with sex is very close to the part of your brain that deals with

either feet or urine anyway there's a reason why sometimes they cross over I think that's it. More science next week. Yeah, more science from Joanne next week. I'm pretty, hold on, I'm actually going to Google it because- Are we going to go on, are we going to go back on to religion next year?

I need to find my Jesus book. Remember I was studying Jesus. Piss just isn't sexy. I'm sorry. There's no way in hell that like, I don't even want someone to piss on me in the shower. No, I don't want to be pissed on. And I like the other thing. No, thanks. But field, yeah, it's this app that you can put in any sexual preference that you like. So you can literally like foot fetish people could do that.

But imagine paying 450 quid to get your feet sucked. The psychology of peeing fetishes. We shouldn't be so offensive about this, by the way, because actually people are into it and that's fine I have a lot of respect for people with kinks I find myself incredibly boring I'd love a good kink

a bit of eye contact and a bit of spooning I'm a complete basic bitch yeah but you know what we've spoken about this before let's be honest I'm not going to lock eyes with somebody well not with somebody but spencer the whole way through like i like it's just like come on i know i know i'm not there's reels there was this thing going around recently um right and

it's it's about what you look like when you're on top of somebody so joe like you should go on all fours and look down into a mirror and look how awful you look when you're having sex with somebody that's what your face looks like it's just like wait i'll try and do mine what that looks like you that was my sex noise too that looks like spencer's taking it from behind from you that's what that looks like very unsettling um so water sports they call it or a golden shower known as urophilia probably most prominent impact on the culture was that there was an episode of sex in the city when it came up i kind of love that loads of people have so many different kinks this person the same person who was on the field app was telling me loads of their kinks and i thought fair books to you you're having a great time I think that I wouldn't mind a bit of um what's it called bdsm is that what it's called is that the shit in the um

chinese food what are you talking about big into msg I love rubbing myself in sweet and sour fluffier the ball the batter you know the chicken balls I love a chicken ball you're around for you apheliox um it's also sexy because it's used to humiliate somebody or capture the spirit of a sexual partner so it fits into pretty standard sadomasochistic ideas about power humiliation and arousal oh i've been i've been rumbled by gg bring her to me bring me the baby princess I want to sit in your lap you want to sit in my lap okay say hi

hello Gigi say hi Jo hi Jo and say hi Joanne hi Joanne are you a good girl or a naughty girl naughty girl

it's never a good girl and she's dead right she goes around I've started spotting who trains that child to call herself a good girl And she's dead right She goes around I've started sparring Who's trained that child To call herself a naughty girl She's going to get groomed online She's been groomed

She goes around And she just I watch her And she'll just like Randomly walk up to theatre And belt her across the head With her spank paddle Did you get her that

Or what No you didn't get her one of course I did Otto has one coming in for his his christening I know that you were upset earlier in the week

about Autumn oh so Jo did you see this, right? So she's unbelievable. Vogue basically gaslit me into thinking that I actually mattered in her life and that I was going to be Arta's godmother, which I'm now handing back the title.

Joanne! I'm resigning. So turns out she has two... I'm going to... Listen, he's really come into his own on this trip. I'm going to send you... I am about to send you a picture of him. Stop trying to sell your child to me, Vogue.

I thought I was his number one godmother. I'm not. I'm part of a gaggle of godparents. She has two godparents per child. I'm surprised that guy who took a shit outside your door isn't the godfather to Gigi. Go and look at that picture of what you've just turned down

that's it you're out you are finished everyone I'm looking for a new godmother for Otto join the gaggle join the harem of godparents

she has per child all you were was a surrogate for my child and now you've fucking handed him out to everyone you everyone in your life he's got 28 godparents all I will say to you is you are very lucky

because he's only got two and two. Theodore has four and two. What? Yes. Theodore has six godparents. Joanne, healthy competition, right? You need to up your game. This isn't the Hunger Games, Vogue.

It absolutely is. Tell me about your godparents. I only have one nice godparent. The other one was shit. I have two. Well, one is sadly passed and my auntie breathes, so I have two.

All our family only have like two godparents. A man and a woman, a man and a woman, a man and a woman. It's all very conservative. I know, but it's an English thing to have more than one

and it's also an English thing you're not really meant to have your siblings. I'm just telling you a bit especially I needed to put a bit of pep in your step right? I was quite put out by it. I don't even know if you've held Otto yet I think you might have held him once.

I haven't been around every time I'm down he's busy doing something else. Joanne you've got to pick up your game. He actually said to Megan the other day he's only three months old. He actually looked Megan. Wow, how advanced he is. All my children are advanced.

He looked Megan in the eye and he said, Megan, I love you. Where's Joanne? You're my favourite. No, he said, where's Joanne? And I said, oh God, he's already noticed she's not around. It's just as an adopted person, I found it very triggering.

Do you know what I mean? My mother found me in a basket in a phone box and I just think it's a disgrace. He's going to be spoiled. He's going to be spoiled. As somebody who grew up in an orphanage, I was in an orphanage

until I was 11 mopping floors and cleaning windows okay this row really meant something to me and now you've taken it away mopping floors and cleaning windows

she was literally she's the apple of her mother's eye that's why when I went into my mum's house I walked in at 11 years of age and I started mopping and cleaning the windows

and she said you don't have to do that here this is your home this is your forever home yeah so now you've ruined the biggest role of my life that's what I was telling everyone I said

don't mind the stand up don't mind the Netflix special don't mind anything Otto's being Otto's only godmother was the best and biggest role of my life.

And it's gone now. People need to be informed. People don't, we forget you're a snake. They forget that you're a snake. I'm not a snake. I think everything You have a face like butter wouldn't melt. They forget that you are a snake. A snake on the make. You're a snake on the make. 68 godparents per child.

It's a lot of communion money. All I'm saying to you, oh exactly. Exactly. I'm taking it. I'm taking at least. It's a lot of communion money. All I'm saying to you. Oh, exactly. Exactly. I'm taking it. I'm taking at least 10% of that. Chris, generating that shit. What I am saying to you is nothing like a bit of healthy competition. So now you're nervous, right?

You've seen Megan's been here. She's been all over Otto. So when I get back to London, you are going to be over like a hot snot. And you're going to be bringing him a new dinosaur hoodie. You don't want him to wear Theodore's old one that you got him otto's going to get his own dinosaur hoodie you're creating a hostile environment okay all i'm going to say to you is people are going to be glassing each other at that christening it's going to be carnage john if you really pull out of this you are going to miss the best day of your goddamn life right yeah it's going to be the best day

your goddamn life right well you'd want to make it worthwhile. It's going to be the best day of your goddamn life. Right? You'd want to make it worthwhile because it's going to be 90 of us going there trying to put water in the baby's head. We did Gigi's way too late because of lockdown and she had an absolute

meltdown at the priest. I think she might have hit him. Fair enough. Fair enough. I was definitely walking at my christening. Were you? I think I was serving drinks.

Yeah, I was walking around. I was. I was genuinely walking around. I was. I was genuinely walking around. I was christened a couple of times. I think with the first child, like with Theodore we got him christened at like three months. Then with Gigi we kind of were like, ah, God. And then with Otto, God knows when he'll be

christened. I was christened. I think as an illegitimate child they can't take any chances so they christen you a couple of times just to make sure. Oh, they have to. They have to. I'm sure they knew you'd end up in purgatory so they really had to give it a good go the birds and bees chat

I got off my mom was she gave me a book and left the room I don't think I don't think I ever even had a birds and bees conversation I think it was just

left up we were just kind of it was like Santa I said to my mother when were you at what stage I had to figure out Santa wasn't real on my own I was way too I was like 16 or something kind of It was like Santa I said to my mother When were you At what stage I had to figure out Santa wasn't real on my own

I was way too I was like 16 or something Ridiculously embarrassing I was like When were you going to tell me And she goes I never would have told you And she goes

I just sort of waited for you To figure it out by yourself And I think Sex was the same Yeah I think Well that's back in The olden days now I was 11 I think

I think that's actually Around the normal age My life One of my friends She said she was She was five years of age She went in looking For a fancy paper

Her mum was like What do you want Fancy paper for And she said to write to Santa And her mum goes You're a bit old for that now Aren't you She was five

That's That is not fair I mean I was very quick From So I had dolls at 11 And I was drinking Bulmers in my friend's house At 12

So I went from Zero to hero Very quickly Things escalated Yeah But that's a difficult one was drinking boomers in my friend's house at 12 so I went from zero to hero very quickly but that's a difficult one with Theodore wanting to like I never thought about that like what do you tell what do you tell a child I know well you just honestly you just have to be like they're your magic bits you know magic bits I just say Willie I say vagina you have to do it he hasn't really like like when I was pregnant with Otto,

he started asking questions and I kind of just tried to veer off the subject because I just thought, little bit too young now. Yeah. Where do I come from? You're like,

well, daddy's obsessed at mummy. Daddy won't leave mummy alone. Mummy never initiates it. It's a problem. Mummy always has a headache or is tired. But Mummy always has a headache Or is tired But when mummy

Has a drink Daddy gets his way Mummy presents herself After three gin and tonics Mummy presents herself Mummy calls daddy Into the bedroom Says I consent

I consent now today For twenty minutes I consent That's all you're getting Twenty minutes What I know She's done listening're getting 20 minutes what I know I just woke up

don't mind me you're absolutely right I've had two drinks now because I'm on my holliers and Spenny you can see his eyes widen a little bit when I have a drink

he knows he knows someone's gotten it might not be him but someone's gonna get it I'll make sure I will someone's gotten it Make sure I will. It's almost gotten...