My Therapist Ghosted Me - BONUS EPISODE: Spirits, Ibiza, Dogs, Doobs & More!

Episode Date: April 28, 2023

Only one more week until MTGM returns for real. Meanwhile, here are some fave clips from the archives!If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] review Global's Privacy Policy: https://global.com/legal/privacy-policy/MTGM is going on tour in Ireland & The UK! Remember to check the venue websites as well as Ticketmaster!For more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThis episode contains explicit language and adult themes that may not be suitable for all listeners.Thank you!

This is a Global Player Original Podcast. the podcast no we're not what she actually meant to say is we're on our holliers we're on our holliers aren't we Joanne I'm getting genuine complaints about your abbreviations like genuine ones I'm off to the resto I'm on my holliers going to have some bloops people are genuinely

up in arms now we've had to take a break because Joanne doesn't want to talk to me anymore until I hop on and stop abbreviating every word I can find until she learns

to finish her sentences like a grown up I will not be coming to the office. I bought a back scratcher. Do you know one of these little hands Joe? It was like a stick.

Did you buy another one? Yeah I have a couple of them now. I bought a couple of them in different colours off Amazon and they scratch I had to scratch myself during lockdown because no one touched me

because it was obviously I was single and alone it was always hanging out of her pants that thing I'm like reviewing on Amazon the fingers could be a little softer to be honest

it's quite tough a little bit too hard but I was so alone during lockdown like there was literally dust on the other side of my bed like there was like

fucking plants growing on it and all so I bought this little hand to scratch myself we became quite intimate oh god I was like where did the batteries go

and she's like there's no batteries Joanne it's just a back It's a legitimate back scratcher Ow And a fake tan on your back You used to do your fake tan On your back with it

I used Yeah I used to strap The I used to sellotape the mitt A Bareby Vogue mitt Pluggy plug plug plug Oh yeah To the back scratcher

And do my own back Here come here to me Is Alan not going to Portugal with you Oh before we get on to that I was down in your house obviously while you're away oh yeah yeah yeah living my life and i have a couple of bits here i took from your room and i was what did you take did you get the same earrings as me in dame lane are they those ones

no i bought these in zara yesterday i went into portuguese there oh they're nice i was like a pig and shy eating that place and I'm just all the same stuff but anyway I went in I was your brother I know his friends were in the sitting room and I was like

up there rooting around he's like what are you looking for he's like I know where she keeps the tan so I was like rooting through the drawers underneath the television

while watching sports and stuff like a mad woman throwing it all into a bag like I was robbing you like I look like I was robbing you. I have offered to send you tan whenever you want.

So then you decide to take it from my house because it's easier for you to not open the package. But then I have to order more tan and then I have to open the package and get rid of the recycling. I know what you're doing. I am as lazy as you. It's horrific. I was in. Oh God. I have filled my boots you it's horrific I was in

oh god I filled my boots in your house I have a lovely pair of green sandals from River Island oh my god you took the neon sandals

what else did you take I took the Valentino two piece oh I took two pairs of shorts oh yeah a pair of black Levi denim ones

which are lovely oh wow do you know what I was only I bought myself a new pair of black shorts luckily I did which are lovely. Oh wow. Do you know what? I was only put, I bought myself a new pair of black shorts. Luckily I did. And I looked at my drawer when I was putting them all away and I was like, I can't believe you found the shorts by the way. And I was like, God, it's lucky I bought a pair of black shorts. I don't have any black shorts. Oh, I was in there with a head torch. I did a deep dive in that room. I went deep. I took some lingerie. I took some lingerie.

Sure, I've no need for that. Once it's not my trusty, my trusty skin colour thongs, I don't mind. I took all your age and provocateur. Like I've any of that. His name written on the crotch. I took all that.

Oh yeah, yeah. Send him a picture of that. He'd enjoy that. I'm on a crotch report he sent. Did he not tell you? I took your Hayley McKenzie beach bag oh my god Hayley Menzies

they only mailed me they kindly sent that to me and they were like does she like the bag and I was thinking about it yesterday I was like I really love that bag you better post about it now I've stolen folks and by the way it's not a beach bag it was that when I arrived to Portugal and I was like And by the way, it's not a beach bag. It was that when I arrived to Portugal and I was like, I don't think this is a beach bag.

I think this is actually an expensive bag. Anyway, it's a beach bag now. There's going to be oils all over it. I hope you get sand in your foot. It's covered in Aperol Spritz. I haven't even posted about that bag I'll post about it for you don't worry I'll do that

they'll just re-gift the gift Fogue didn't post about it so Joanne can keep it now they'll be like we intentionally didn't give Joanne one we don't want her anywhere near our brand anyway so decked out I've got a couple of other bits as well so thank you I think that's so interesting to see what you choose you're you are quite you definitely are lesbian chic because like

all those things that you took are very amber yeah I think it's actually unfair to lesbians like I'm not chic ah you are you look chic today I'm a tomboy. Sorry. Amber has the most amazing breasts. I know. How the fuck did she get them and you got yours? I know. Excuse me now. Did you come out a different entry? Did you come out a different entrance? Does your mother have two vaginas?

I think because someone actually commented that when we put up pictures. They're like, oh, you lost out the boob department. I know I did. I really lost out. I'd say that when I was created they were thinking man man man man man man and just at the end it was like woman and that's why I have this voice that's why my hands are so big that's why my feet every year without fail there's a story in the news warning us

to not put ice lollies up our arses to cool down I just don't understand who is repeatedly doing this that it needs

repeated like what position are you sunbathing in? Are you literally on all fours holding your ass open and your ass is burning and you're sticking a Solero in there? I do not understand.

I don't get it. Joanne, if you're sitting there telling me you've never put a twister up your arse, that's bullshit. I did it just for fun okay it was nothing to do with the heat

in all seriousness can I be honest what's the problem if you do stick a Solero up your arse I don't understand what's wrong it's just going to

come out again it's obviously yeah it's obviously not good for your arse I don't know I just don't know like if you're hot that's fine

that's a normal feeling it's summer we're all struggling I wouldn't I'll tell you what everyone's hot if you need to go down have a normal feeling. It's summer. We're all struggling. I wouldn't. I'll tell you what. Everyone's hot. If you need to go down, have a glass of water. You don't stick a fat frog up your arse. Who are these people? Oh, God. I would stick a fat frog up my arse.

I would. You wouldn't, Vogue. I'm sorry. You wouldn't. If they bought fat frogs and they would only bring them back if I stuck it up my arse, I'd do it. I'd do it for the nation. You would do it in a paid collaboration. That's the only way you'd do it or a Casper do you remember

a Casper ice pop oh they were stunning yeah I could see you now with a clipper up your arse 10 grand later you'd be delighted I'd do that

10 grand later get lost I'd do that for 100 quid if it's a if if it's a clipper for Asa yeah you wouldn't even do it

you'd be like hashtag gifted hashtag it's a Clippo Fraser. Yeah, you wouldn't even do it. You'd be like, hashtag gifted. Hashtag it's an honour. Hashtag thanks, Clippo Fraser. Hashtag was going to do it anyway. Hi, girls. I feel like confessing this to you as it might get it to weigh less on me.

And with folks keen eye for a bit of private website time, I figured I'd be... I figured I'd be in good company. I'm usually militant when it comes to clearing mucky internet tabs away once I'm done with them. But a couple of weeks ago, I came unstuck. My 84-year-old mom was around, and I was showing her some pictures of the kids and wanted to find a video on Facebook of my son on holiday.

Despite her age, my mom was actually quite iPad literate. She knew how to double tap the button to scroll through the other apps that being said she has pretty bad arthritis so her hands are a bit slow she scrolled away from the photos app moved across to find facebook there there it was the pornhub window that i treated myself to the night before there was no question that she saw because her oh imprecise jabbing at the screen she managed to open the window and the video resumed playing at full volume oh my god it must have been three or four seconds before i swiped the ipad from her hands and pretty much smashed it against the wall to stop it but it felt like an eternity as he extra as he x-rated noises bounced around my kitchen we've said absolutely nothing about bedded since not a word just leaving it locked away in both of our minds forever i'm actually going red i'm so i'm so

mortified for her there is honestly i would listen you're gonna have to move away you have to leave the country yeah you're gonna have to fake your own death just get say say your goodbyes you'll see her in the next life just move on fake your own fake your own death just get say say your goodbyes you'll see her in the next life just move on yeah fake your own fake your own death move towards the light like there's just no work there's no space for you on this world anymore it's just too embarrassing I could just die there's there's there's there's no way I could actually like I mean I couldn't I couldn't I would I would just lie I would just lie and be like, oh my God, if she's got a,

did she say she's got a 14-year-old kid? Did she say she's got, what age did she say her kid was? Who the hell does Joanne think we're talking about? You're only half this. You're one, did she not say she was trying to show a photo of her kid? No, her mother's 84.

No, but she was trying to show her mother a photo of her kid. Yeah, she was trying to show her mother a photo of her kid yeah she was trying to show her mother a photo of the kid but we don't know the kid's age blame the kid whatever age anything from six up kids like anything don't try ipad babies they're very they're very digitally literate now i've seen babies try and swipe up on magazines blame the kids be like i'm horrified and you know i'd actually bring it up again that's a great one joanna you could actually be like listen mom i know what happened the other day

was very embarrassing but i just don't know what to do alfie will not stop watching yeah he takes the nappy off and porn goes on baby alfie is got a very unhealthy habit and we have a man with a child psychiatrist. I'm just giving you a breast. Hope it's healing. That is such a good excuse. Isn't it so funny, though, that, like, porn and sex and, like, it's so, everyone's at it. Upside down, inside out, swinging out of the rafters, blah, blah, blah. Yet there's still so much shame around it. It happened to a friend of mine. She works in kind of a corporate environment

but she's you know they all have their own laptops and like that she was trying to show someone a colleague she needed to show him something on her laptop oh god I need to check out my phone here porn hub

and it always seems to start playing I don't know how what setting they have it on And they never start playing at the start Where someone's just knocking on the door to fix the dishwasher It always starts I suppose it's when someone's finished When there's no question what it is

Yeah but it's when someone's obviously finished So then they close the laptop They're like I'm not interested in the story anymore I'm done I know a girl whose dad walked in and given her fella a blowy that's like grand

compared to half the shit we've heard did you hear how could you not think that's bad oh it is I would rather my dad okay

would you rather well if your dad walked in that would be quite frightening for its own reasons yeah because I'd be like he's alive what that would be more the surprise there I'd be like he's alive what that would be more the surprise

there I'd be like dad I thought you died 20 years ago this is bananas yeah what the hell dad I'll be five minutes okay I'll be five minutes and then we'll catch up okay would you rather I love would you rather you know that would you rather like would you rather have like chickens for fingers or mayonnaise fries would you rather

hypothetically speaking neil i was gonna say your father but neil is your father yeah neil walking in on you giving sp a blowjob or Sandra finding videos you're basically Sandra finding out about your porn addiction which would you rather?

I would rather Sandra finding out about Theodore's porn addiction oh there's a big bus coming and he's getting thrown right under it get under that theatre quick

the 46A is on the way off you go I was watching this morning this morning and they have this animal psychic on it and I didn't get to I didn't get to watch

the full thing because I was called out but I I was trying to find who she is and I ended up googling on this old I think it's an old clip

of her on This Morning with Vernon Kay and there's another woman cowhousing with him sometimes and she's brilliant Rochelle Rochelle yeah she's a babe

so they had this animal psychic who genuinely is trying to tell us that she's telepathically connected to animals it's the funniest shit

I could not stop laughing watching Vernon Kay try and keep like I'd say so she's saying oh like how did you know

and she's like well I remember I was horse riding once and my horse was speaking to me saying the saddle was on too tight and I said to my friend what's your horse saying to you and she said my horse doesn't speak to me and then I realized I had a skill I like whatever she's basically saying she's just chatting to rabbits all day and then telling you how your rabbit feels she starts trying to get um Vernon and

Rochelle like into firstly the dog that you brought on ran off in the middle of the clip and ate Ainsley Harriet's chicken that he was preparing for was it Evie

was it Evie who's Evie Evie mummy's coming I'm sorry she fucking ate the chicken and then Vernon Kay is like tapping his head

to get a third eye ready to be able to talk to the dog and I was looking at Vernon's face. I was like, I'd say that's it. Do you know when you have a moment in your career and you're like, what happened? There's been many of them in my career. Many.

This was one of those sobering moments where you're like, really? This is the choice I made. But anyway, it was absolutely hilarious. I was like, this woman is the biggest con. She's got a book out about how to be an animal psychic. It's like her next book will be like telling you what your hydrangea thinks of you it was just nonsense but hilarious some people love that do you not remember my me and spenny on our show when we did that we had we had he was such a nice man first of all i want to say clive and he was like he spoke to animals

like an animal clairvoyant as well and he came into the house and obviously Sven, he was like, this is a load of old womp. But he was such a nice man. But like he came in, he came in and he was like in the kitchen and he's talking to Winnie and Winnie's telling him how he feels about the new baby coming.

And then he literally goes, oh, sorry, a Saint Bernard just walked by. Oh my God. can you imagine spencer listening to that what idiot cancelled that show that is gold and then spencer's actually like oh really what's what's he saying and then Spencer's actually like oh really what's he saying and then he had this like little

oh my god I can't believe we did this he had this little like pendant that like flickered I'm like

how is Winnie feeling now and he's like look he looks really sad I'm like no no that's Winnie's face we realised

oh god it was the fright he got as well it was actually it was the fright he got as well it was actually oh that's so funny i'm just hoping that saint bernard is not going to take a shit in my kitchen because um oh that is so funny some people like they're just they're just it's so funny they're like oh your spoons are talking about you do you want to know what they're saying okay sure yeah give me a grant i know well we both we both have different different opinions on ghosts i

don't know about dog ghosts i definitely didn't see the same pradhar myself and i would have been very upset if he had been in my my house and he pretended he actually pretended to get it right oh good old Clive Clive oh god that's so good I'm nearly sure

he came here twice I think we actually because he was such a TV gold I'm pretty sure we used him in both series like actually because he was such a tv gold i'm pretty sure we used him in both series like oh we've another kid coming want to come around again like they're like anything for a bit of content clive oh god and he had written a book as well i'm pretty sure i still have it oh i was out at the weekend right now i have to get i've got to

do a little pluggy mac plug okay go for it so when i was 14 i drank half a bottle of tequila because we all got a bottle of tequila between two of us and we got absolutely locked and i ended oh my god i ended up scoring this guy called but i actually don't know if we uh if we should say that because he still lives in hope you probably shouldn't then i think we actually need to do instead it was as well as jo Jo we actually need a defamation professional in the room while we record as well because like she's throwing people under the bus left right and centre

folks giving out phone numbers and addresses and everything of people who shafted her in the past listen this is my tool to get you back motherfuckers no so we all dry and cough I remember waking up I saw Ashley's foot was like I had a little thing like the cat ball

with the kind of with the oil or the scents that he's like splashing around like howdy water no it wasn't incense but

it was the same vibe but it was like to tell you things oh actually he was telling me how many spirits were attached to me that was another thing you could do and i had something like nine attached to me and that was why i felt so heavy and like obviously i had nine people fucking clinging on to me for dear life they're already dead i i kind of believe half that shit though not the dog not the dog so you have nine people hanging off you at the moment is that it's not not after clive was here because he got rid of every single one of them he rang his little cat bell and got rid of the nine ghosts did he his little incency thing ding ding go for it that is so funny sure i was. Sure, I was doing,

oh my God, I've done so much stuff. I love stuff like that though. I once found myself in a castle, another TV show, sitting with this battered old radio trying to contact my dad. Pfft.

And I'm actually sure they will make anything sound like it they're like that said Freddie that said Freddie and I'm like it did say Freddie

it did say and then I was like after I was like that didn't say Freddie you've tuned into some pirate radio station like what no that's heaven

that's heaven playing freed freed from desire no no no no no Freddie Freddie Freddie That's heaven. Playing Freed from Desire. Na, na, na, na, Freddie. Freddie. Freddie wants to speak to you. You're like, my dad was a huge Entrance fan.

What a coincidence. Okay, me and my friend had spent a couple of months traveling around Southeast Asia when we finished university. Classic. When we reached the Philippines, at this point, we were looking slightly disheveled, so we decided to treat ourselves to a bikini wax at a salon. We find a salon, pay the money, and my friend goes into the treatment room first. Over an hour later, my friend emerges, looking extremely uneasy. Before I had a chance to ask her what took her so long, the beautician ushers me away from my treatment. I lie down and the woman begins her work.

However, after numerous attempts at the same area with a wax strip, the woman tells me it's no good. The wax doesn't work on you either. We will have to do the same as we did to your friend. Before I have time to ask any questions, two more women enter the room. One of the women hands me an iPad and tells me to lie back, relax, and play

Candy Crush. The next thing I know, there are three small Filipino women plucking my... No! Plucking my fanny with tweezers. I was too British to tell them no, so I simply did what I was told, lying on the bed. So I simply did as I was told. Lying on the bed.

Legs akimbo. Playing Candy Crush on the iPad for the next hour. I think the lowest point of the whole ordeal. Was when I had to stop the three women. Midway through plucking. To ask if they had any other games. As my friend who had been in prior. Had ran me out of lives.

I was like Candy Crush. Safe to say the whole experience has put me off. Oh my God. Vogue, you need to send them one of your Nintendo Switches. Considering what a gamer,

considering how you love gaming yourself. Nintendo Switch and a Brillo pad. Little care package from Vogue. Well, Jo, we're back from Bifo. We had the most fun in Ibiza. Joanne, something right from Ibiza. No, we worked hard.

We were doing 12-hour days. We did work hard. It wasn't all fun and games. We were working hard. We were up early. Up early. I barely drank. Joanne, well, I mean.

I barely drank. Well, that would be drinking to me. That was... I was trying to maintain an air professionalism. Do you know, do you know when you're coming back from Ibiza and you're like,

I can't wait to see the state of people in the airport. You were so excited because this is, it so enjoys other people's pain. Do you remember how excited you got when Amber

got punched in the face by your mum? Oh my God. She got her married. She didn't punch her in the face. She put soap in her mouth. Oh, let's say she punched her. No, she put soap in her mouth.

Yeah, I did. that was thrilling to me. But we're going. So, Amber had gone home a couple of days early and she'd struck gold. There was a guy puking into a plastic bag and I was like, yes! Now, we did see people being carted off by security. I don't know what they had done.

But I have to say, the most drunk person on my flight was John McDonagh. I was that person. Somebody had gone out-out the night before. I went out-out, yeah. Actually, I went out-out-out. If I'm being honest. I went three-outs.

At least three. Lost those Celine sunglasses. Oh God, they never showed up. Absolutely fuming. They never showed up. 300 quid. I'm fuming. Well, I mean, at least you didn't spend much on your nails.

Thank God I made a saving on my nails. I don't feel too bad now. It was the only thing. Actually, we were getting in our car, so do you want to? Not even,

not even a lick of nail art. I still can't get over it. I cannot get over it. I'd be expecting like jewels and shit on my nails. Like what the hell? Where was the gold? Fabergé eggs hanging off the end. I don't get over it. I cannot get over it. I'd be expecting like jewels and shit on my nails. Like what the hell? Where was the gold? Fabergé eggs hanging off the end of my nose.

Fabergé egg at the end of every nail. Just plain neon orange. But Megan, our friend who was staying with us and she was helping me with the auto. I love Megan. We had a great night. We really bonded on the last night. She's great.

It was Megan's birthday. So I was like, go out. Go on. Go out. So I went home because we had Otto there and actually when I think about it

I was quite frightened to be in that house on my own in the middle of nowhere it was a bit isolated I know that's the kind of shit like Saul happens there

anyway I made it and the next morning I mean I do have an air of smugness to me anyway but when those bitches walked in the door at half five in the morning

I don't remember coming back well Joanne I just remember smugness to me anyway. But when those bitches walked in the door at half five in the morning. I don't remember it coming back. Well, Duran, I went in... I just remember I just was on a plane. I was like, why is everything so far away? I'm in the sky! I'm in the sky!

How did I get into the sky? I was in a blackout. I went into Duran's room at like, we were leaving at seven, at quarter to seven. I went into a roomout I went into Duran's room like we were leaving at seven at quarter to seven I went into her room at like quarter past six

and I opened the door and she does this thing where she like raises from the dead from the bed and I was like Duran we're leaving in half an hour

and she's like okay like I had just been really irritating her she had the iPad going on the bedside table and then her laptop beside her other ear

also playing something completely separate. I like to keep the mind busy even when I sleep. I like to keep the mind ticking over. Joanne, you can't sleep well. You just have all this

blue light in your face the whole time. You've got it shining into either eye. I know. So I do think it's disturbing that the only way I know how to relax

is to listen to people getting murdered on like deadline. You're definitely not relaxing. No, you're not it's a fake it's a false sense of security but yeah I was the big

I was the biggest piss head on the plane now remember getting the taxi you don't we went out to the taxi the taxi driver the taxi driver

the taxi driver was you're actually owed money for that the taxi driver was I voiced it out did you do that I remembered I was like oh she's owed money

yeah go on go on the taxi driver well first of all he just like walked into the. I remember that. I was like, oh, she sold money. Yeah, go on, go on. The taxi driver, well, first of all, he just like walked into the villa and he was like, oh, I'm just seeing. He did?

I was like, well, well, well. And he went into the back garden and stuff and I was like, he's like, oh, I'm just seeing, I might have a client

who wants this. And I was like, okay. And anyway, then Joanne does her usual, I don't get it where my passport is. And she, and she popped open the case, I don't get anywhere where my passport is. And she,

and she popped open the case. Oh my God. What's wrong with the case? I've got to show you a picture. I have a picture of it. I've been telling people. I packed, I thought I packed quite,

I rolled, you have to roll, that's how you pack. Joanne, oh, you rolled, you rolled your stuff. Are you sure you rolled your stuff?

Look at, look at that. Show me. I'm going to pack the night before. I roll everything. It does look a little chaotic, doesn't it? I did wonder about that, Kate. Where is it now and what's happened?

If you're asking have I unpacked, I mean, of course I fucking haven't unpacked. Oh my God. What did I do? I remember being in the sky and then we came out of the sky and then I don't remember what happened after.

Oh, I'll tell you what I do remember. So, Vogue, in fairness, she was kind of forcing Otto on me and I'm glad because me and Otto have kind of bonded now. She's like,

you're not going to hold your God soul now? Oh, do you remember I took a photo? She took a photo. I wanted to take a photo with a bow she had a lovely picture of herself and Otto

in the pool and she goes look how cute me and Theodore look and I said that's not Theodore that's the other one I know

I was so sober like today I was like look at me and Theodore she's like Joanne that is that is not Theodore that is Otto your God's child

they look a lot it's only 10 years in the difference I remember I told you about me going blind didn't I no well firstly my brother

just to back to the terror that he was I think that our neighbour we had a dog called Topaz this kind of obese Labrador. Did you just love the petrol station? So actually she's,

she was my aunt's dog originally and she was named after the stone. Topaz, you philistine, not the fucking petrol station. Yeah, okay. Who's going to call their dog Circle K? You don't name dogs after petrol stations. That's like when my mum tries to say

she didn't call me after the magazine come on we all know who does she why what does she claim that she oh she claims

she heard it herself in a shop Sandra's spoof for the week go on Sandra get out of that go on I just thought

of it myself classic Sandra she tried to tell me the magazine wasn't out yet because when I was younger I was like no the magazine wasn't out yet you're I was younger I was like no the magazine

wasn't out yet you're giving away that's why I'm glad you're finally admitting you're a woman in your 60s with just a very good aesthetics doctor

because Ewan's done a great job I'm so glad you're finally admitting it Vogue was born before the printing press was invented she just found

Dr. Ewan in time so anyway Topaz the obese Labrador, right? She was always wandering around to other people's gardens. Labradors are always obese. Are they? I think that's a racist stereotype, Vogue. Well, they're prone to getting fat, Labradors.

Go on anyway, tell me about Topaz. I'm sure she was beautiful. Topaz, well, she was just out of her step aerobics class and she was really making it. She was just really trying to make a go of it. And she was waddling through one of the neighbor's gardens and the neighbor came out and like hit her eight with the brush, you know, like, get out, get out Topaz.

And my brother, I don't know what age he was, six, seven or something like that, I don't know, 28. I honestly don't, I have no concept of time. Went next door with the scissors and your one had this gorge of flower gardens. And he went in and cut the scissors and your one had this gorge flower garden and he went in and cut the head off every single one snip snip snip like a sociopath i'm sorry but that is like if you're gonna kick a dog out with a broom that's what you get he cut the lid he cut the lid sorry

i've had three wines i have to be transparent He cut the top of every single one of them. The lid off the flower. Then he went in and circumcised her husband and performed a full vasectomy with the scissors. And then that was fair. He was quite the child and that's what you do for slapping a dog. Do you remember when people used to put like filled up water bottles in their garden to try

and deter the dogs like it would do anything? No, you mean squirt them in the face no just leave the water bottles there because supposedly the dogs wouldn't wee on them then my uh my cousin sophie she has a dog uh she's they've had labradors their whole life right yeah and and it's always called sam one dies a new sam comes in it's like a conveyor belt of Sams. They're all Sam. I wish my mother had done that with my father. I'd have fucking been thrilled. Frank is back.

Okay, he looks a little different. I don't care. Daddy's home. I missed you. Daddy's home. He's Asian. I don't care. I'm not going to ask any questions.

Daddy's back. It's a fresh Frank. it's a fresh Frank it's a fresh Frank I love that your dad's name was Frank I like that name it's a cool name isn't it if I had a child I called it Frank regardless of gender if I had a child I would I would love their name do you want to hear my next baby name that Spenny's not into if I ever decide to have another baby which I'm quite unsure of because I'm very tired. I'm going to call it Sailor. What you going to do with a drunken sailor? What you going to do with a drunken sailor?

No, you're not into it? Is she frozen? She's not frozen. I see her eyes moving. Sorry, I'm just trying to process this insane bit of information you've just given me. That's a great name. Sailor. S-A-Y-L-O-R.

You're joking, aren't you? This is your new comedian career, isn't it? This is you being the, this is comedian Vogue, isn't it? Doing your jokes, having the lols. I am.

I am. Sales, I'll call her for short because it's a girl, whether it likes it or not. Are you drinking, Vogue? No no i've told you i feel really guilty about my week of drinking i've you're good so no no no no you're gonna call your child sailor yes that's like calling your child plumber or carpenter or electrician that's a fucking if i have a fifth child there will definitely be electricianian in there. This is the kind of shit.

Remember we saw that list of names in New Zealand that they wouldn't let people call their kids anymore, like violence and bus stop. Joe. Sailor goes on that list. No, it doesn't. Folk, I'm telling you now. It's a gorgeous name. I've let you make some really wild decisions in your life. But if you call a child sailor, I will step in with social services and we will take the child off you.

And we will call the child Lorraine like it's supposed to be called and you will never see that child again and I won't raise it because I'm not capable but Joe will raise it. Are you ready for baby Lorraine Joe? You can have Lorraine Joe do you not think sailor is a lovely name? Okay well you two get

lost. I'll do whatever I want. I'll call it shitbag if I want and you'll just have to deal with it shitbag Matthews how many ring lights are on you today this is insane

I'm in my mother's kitchen I'm trying to look if there's even a torch I need a torch or something shine something on me even like a key ring you know the alarm why don't you sit

in front of the window that's where the good light is no don't because you'll unplug your microphone sorry sorry we had a little

technical error there because I ripped my mic out because Vogue suggested I turn to the window to get more natural light to be more attractive but turns out I'm still in bits

while looking at the window. Your glasses are nice. Now, I feel bad about the next thing I'm going to say, but honestly, it happened on the way home from the run. And you did one day say I looked like an Afghan hound. When I tell you I bumped into a dog, that was the image of you. Excuse me? Are you talking about when I just bumped

into you at Battersea Park just there now I had to stop at the owners I said to the owners I was like excuse me can I take a picture

of your dog because it looks like my friend you got a picture of course I got a picture I was actually going to text you be like joanna we doing this are we doing this remote or are we meeting each other at my

i got it was quite aggressive as well i was like oh god oh was it a pug was it a rock why what was it oh dear I'm sorry now my hairstylist my colorist is going to be absolutely fuming I just think when you've got your hair down when you use the real curly thing that's you yes yeah I actually agree but I have to say I think that dog looks fantastic I just think when you've got your hair down, when you use the real curly thing, that's you. Yes.

Yeah, I actually agree. But I have to say, I think that dog looks fantastic. It does look fantastic. Great body as well. Great body. It spits at me when I've pedigree chum stuck in my beard. Remember that time I went out with pedigree chum stuck in my beard and everyone was taking photos of me? Put a leader in my neck, drag me around, spits at me there.

He's actually really cute. I love that. Yeah, you're welcome. Alan was going through his shoes the other day and he's like, he held out these pair of these brown kind of ankle

slightly healed boots. And he's like, am I ever wearing these again? And I was like, well, not on my watch. He's like, okay. And then I found them.

He just thrown them in the bin in the kitchen. I was like, they're good shoes. Like, so I'm going to bring them down to Oxfam or something I found them. He just thrown them in the bin in the kitchen. I was like, they're good shoes. Like, so I'm going to bring them down to Oxfam or something. But yeah. He just threw them in the bin.

Just threw them in the bin. I was like, you can't just throw shoes in the bin. There's like, there's a clothes crisis. Yeah, you can't throw fabric in the bin. You can't do that.

It's like throwing a suit. I'm not going to wear the suit anymore and just throw it in the bin. Like, it's weird. I wish Benny would throw his witchy boots in the bin. They're desperate.. I wish Spenny would throw his witchy boots in the bin. They're desperate. That is exactly what they are.

They're witchy boots. They look like they should be hanging off either side of a broomstick. Oh my God. But yeah, so I am trying to slowly and I know it's,

they say you shouldn't meet someone and then trying to change who they are, but we're both trying to change. We're both trying to panel beat each other towards the other. So I think we'll meet somewhere in the middle. But if you see me out wearing doobries

shoot me okay it's gone too far sorry doobries yeah the doobs from back in the day do you know what doobs are Emma? Doobberries. Do you not know what doobs are? Doobries they're not called doobries are they not? They were like what the posh lads the shoes posh people wore they're like sailing shoes i remember i had the audacity to wear a pair of doobaries into school and the abuse i got for i do you know what i'm gonna order a pair of doobaries i want a pair of them i think they're probably back yeah it's probably ironic now i were I had a pair of doobries and I had, I turned the lace. It's like when you say Battersea, it's doobaries. And I turned the doobry laces into little corkscrews. Remember that was the rage. Jesus Christ, they're 90 quid. Yes. Yes. You turn them into corkscrews. Now I didn't,

I wore the doobs one day and I never wore them again because my friends like me so badly. I was like, I'm not going through this again. 80 quid. Dubarry, if you're listening, send me a pair. I'm not sending 80 quid in a pair of Dubarry's. Sorry.

If you become the face of Dubarry's, I will die laughing. If you call them Dubarry's again. Stop being so combative. That will never not be funny to me joanne i'm telling you will i get navy or a brown duberis honestly ah you can't get a brown get it i go now if you're gonna go do go navy my dad used to love a pair of duberis god rest his soul god rest his soul did you bury in them bury him did you bury him in his dube oh? Oh stop I remember That's a very health death I know

I do remember what we buried him in That's terrible and I put 20 quid in his pocket So he could get himself a pint when he went up I'll never see that money again That was a waste Come back from the dead I'm going to need that money in a week Where the gang still goes Get us back, yeah. Come back from the dead. I'm going to need that money in a week.

Let's go to Samangas. Where the gang still goes. I'm actually glad we've had this conversation because now I'm going to buy Dubarius. And anyone else who decides to buy them, you got to... Actually, Joanne, they've no plain navy. What? They're, I mean,

Emo, you'd want to see these. They're fancy now they call themselves a Marbella deck shoe let me have a little look now and see this is absolutely gas

doobries need a rebrand they need to do I want to see doobries in like they want to do a croctos where they're like they I want to see a doobry collab with Gucci

or Fendi or something who told you they were called doobries? I was a fake posh kid. No, they've no plain navy. And I'm not into a brown. No. You've let yourself down now, doob.

I want to see if they've done anything with themselves, if they've upgraded in any way. They're doing a boot now. Now they look the exact... I cannot believe they've done the Admiral Doob deck shoe. They've done nothing with it. It looks the exact same. I want the Admiral,

but I want it navy. God damn it. Look at you. Why don't you get the Port Moccasin? The Belize deck shoe. Oh my God. You would look absolutely fantastic in the Portofino.

Oh, actually, we have to get on to this. Do you know what I'd love? I'm like, oh, my God, the state of those duperies. And next week I would be like, we're doing an ad for them. Duperies. My favorite shoe since 1998, folk. Strutting around in her Portofino. You cannot get me out of my port moccasins.

Oh my God. The Biarritz canvas deck she was right up your street. Here's a swipe up code. I'm, I'll listen to Barry. Do you know what? They do a nice welly kind of thing.

It's like a country boot. It makes me want to move. It makes me want to move out of London to get like a country boot it makes me want to move it makes me want to move out of London to get myself a country boot oh my god a Sligo country boot no I'd go for the

Longford one and then myself you're too deep now too much you need to pull it back I can't believe we spent the last 10 minutes

trolling the Do Barry website