My Therapist Ghosted Me - BONUS EPISODE: Volcanoes, Teeth, Laptops, Christenings & More!

Episode Date: January 13, 2023

Whilst Joanne frollicks on African plains with cheetahs and hippos, here's a look back at some of the best bits since the Autumn of 2021. Think back to all those bits you might have forgotten, or the absolute CLASSIC bits that are well worth hearing again! If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] is going on tour in Ireland & The UK! Remember to check the venue websites as well as Ticketmaster! For more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThank you!

This is a Global Player Original Podcast. Welcome to My Therapist Ghosted Me with me Joanne McNally and Herb Vogue-Williams. We're on holidays at the moment so here is an episode of some of our best bits. As a caveat, we did not decide these. Joe chose these. So if they're shit, email him. mtmg.mtmg.pod at hello.com Tell me about your week. Well, I just got back from lanzalot lanzarote last night

lovely i went for about 24 hours filming and it was great but it's kind of like being on the moon like there is no green obviously it's got 300 plus volcanoes on it inactive yeah I really want to look into volcanoes and I think that you and I should do a friend trip to Pompeii is that the best idea you've ever heard

do you know what we do we try and get some sort of travel log program going and let them take us to Pompeii and other weird places and I

do you know what would be a great show for us a history show where I do you know what would be a great show for us a history show where I teach you things where I where I

I teach you things I teach you things you thick bitch I'm like I'm in Vogue this is a mountain come on Vogue let's go up it

yay give me your hand let's go oh my god I'd be all for that Vogue the plane's gonna take off we're gonna go into the sky now yay

woohoo please tend to your mask first I could teach you history stuff and then in another show you could teach me kind of fitness stuff and about parenting wouldn't that be a great idea

fitness stuff like that's what you think of me or how to clean your carpets yes that's the stuff you like doing how to clean your carpets how to get stains out of your clothes.

Because I have become a stain wizard. Okay, fine. I'll teach you how to be a household genius. And you'll teach me some basic history. I'll teach you about Pompeii. You teach me how to get an ab. How about that? That's a fair swap.

Okay, Ian. I might actually have to get John Belton on board. But that's fine. He will ab us up. I'd love that though. Imagine we could go there. I just want to go places that we wouldn't. have to get John Belton on board but that's fine he will ab us up I'd love that though imagine we could go there I just want to go places that we wouldn't we don't want to pay for going ourselves and I'll teach you things about history. Okay. This is a rainbow.

I keep buying myself books. Like I have books all about like Russia and shit. And I'm like, I'm going to read that book. It sat there honestly for over three years now. But I do have a different book in my bag. I'm going to start reading Joanne. But instead of history, I've now bought Andre Leon Talley. He used to be the, was he the editor of Vogue? And he had a fight with Anna Wintour.

So I'm going to read about that instead. Exactly. You tell me about Russia. I'll give you my Russia books. I was only reading about Rasputin again the other day. I was obsessed with him. I don't know. He used to micro-dose arsenic, right?

So then no one could kill him. He was kind of this. Oh my God. He had a long beard with loads of hair stuck in it. He used to microdose arsenic, right? So then no one could kill him. He was kind of this... Oh my God. He had a long beard with loads of hair stuck in and he was kind of rough looking. He looked like he's from Shoreditch. He's like an original kind of Russian hipster. He used to microdose himself with arsenic.

And I was like, I'd love to microdose myself with something so that I could enjoy it. And then I was like, hummus would be a great one. Do you know the way hummus is always going for cheap, but it's kind of like curdling? then I was like hummus would be a great one do you know the way hummus is always going for cheap but it's kind of like curdling

and I was like if I microdosed and built up an immunity to day old hummus I'd basically be eating hummus for free bitch no eat the nice hummus you know I don't

treat myself I was in Marks and Spencers with you not long ago you were treating yourself then weren't you I bought a two pound pack of chicken yeah treat yourself

wouldn't that be cool wouldn't it be cool call it a five star experience. People have a real issue with me playing Nintendo, right? I had to, I worked with Nintendo and you know, I only work with people that I love working with. Had the same thing with Coke and people were not happy with me. It was like I was actually dealing cocaine. That's how annoyed they were that I was, I was, I was working with. I had the same thing with Coke and people were not happy. It was like I was actually dealing cocaine. That's how annoyed they were that I was working with Coke because people have a real issue

with Coke. Did you know that? Yeah, there's some, there's a lot of political shit going on with Coca-Cola. They're kind of barred from certain shops in Dublin. UCD don't sell them.

What? I love, I drink Coke every day and actually now, do I need to be worried about myself? I had a fancy zero though yesterday. I would say you need to be worried about myself? I had a Fanta Zero though yesterday.

I would say you need to be worried about yourself because they also use Coca-Cola to clean blood off streets after traffic accidents. That would be more concerning rather than their politics. I'm drinking Coke Zero,

not full fat Coke. It's healthy. Yeah. But I got loads of shit over Coke, like a crazy amount of shit and then people were like you don't play Nintendo

you're not playing Nintendo I know you don't have the vibe of a gamer like gamers are usually kind of like you know men in their basements

that kind of vibe but I know you Vogue Vogue Vague Vogue and I know that you do play games yeah

yeah not just psychological I'm surprised you don't. No, I play, sometimes if I'm on the tube, I'll play that word game where you try and like... Sudoku.

No, Sudoku, is that maths? I don't know. Scrabble. No, not Scrabble. Scrabble. Scrabble. No, it's like... No, no, I was going to say Pictionary.

It's just kind of this word, generator word thing. But no, I was going to say Pictionary. It's just kind of this word, generator word thing. But no, I don't play games. Psychological games. Yeah, you play psychological games. I play video games. I play physical games. But also, what I was going to say was,

that's a part of your life that people don't know about. And people are surprised when they find out parts of our lives that people don't know about because we pretty much tell everyone everything. I suck my thumb, viciously. I've never seen you suck your thumb. Yeah, it's something I do privately in the privacy of my own home, like when you're gaming. When you're gaming, I'm just thumb viciously. I've never seen you suck your thumb. Yeah, it's something I do. Which one? It's something I do privately in the privacy of my own home.

Like when you're gaming. When you're gaming, I'm just at home sucking my big thumb. You're not goofy. Goofy? Well, I always associate thumb suckers with goofy people. I'm looking at Gigi,

I'm like, is she goofier? Oh, I got away. I used to have a gap in my teeth. Me too. I'd love a gap again. I asked Audrey for one. Because you can actually make them. Oh, you asked Audrey, did you? Yeah. Okay. You can make them. She was like, no.

Do you know what? I've good news. Tomorrow at two o'clock, George the dentist is giving me my teeth. I'm so embarrassed. I'm so embarrassed. And I had to put up this video the other day and I was like, fucking hell, it's like two highlighters in my mouth. It's so. I don't think, I can't, I don't notice it. Come on. No, it's just because you're so perfect that it feels like it's kind of teeny tiny. When you're a three-year-old

it's slagging you off. You know it's bad. Yeah, he's like, Mummy, you're keeping me awake at night. Shut your mouth. I can't sleep. The light's coming in.

It's too much. Too much! Hideous! But loads of people do random collabs that like... We were talking about that. Sorry, yes.

My favourite one was Justin Bieber did nail polish. Imagine all the girls that would buy that film. Exactly, but it's so sinister. It's like, it's so dark. Like Justin Bieber doing nail polish. These poor girls. Khloe Kardashian did a flat tummy shit. She's always doing that.

And it's like, Khloe, you don't drink shit. She's always doing that. And it's like, Khloe, you don't drink that. So, did you ever have those skinny teas? I remember I did a batch of skinny tea

years ago when it first came out and no one really knew what it was. Well, I know you don't like toilet humor, but like,

you just spend all your, it's like, it's like, what's that called? A colonic. No, it's like, you just shit yourself.

It's a diuretic. It's terrible. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So basically, that's why you weigh less because because you can't keep anything down

yeah what's it called when you take those things laxatives it's like a laxative laxatives she does not take that crap and she did

didn't she do toilet paper Kim Kardashian did toilet paper Kim Kardashian did toilet paper we all use toilet paper yeah I know I don't know if I put my face to it though no

I mean how much money do they need? Like, how much money do you actually need? She would have got like, listen, if someone offered me a million for toilet paper, I'd do the toilet paper.

I'd sit on the toilet with the toilet paper. I'd do the toilet paper. Would you? A million. I use toilet paper. Especially Charmin. That's a very nice toilet paper.

I know. Do you remember I went into your house once and there was like six crates of toilet paper and you were like, yeah, I over-egg the pudding there. I didn't really mean to buy went into your house once and there was like six crates of toilet paper and you were like yeah I over egged the pudding there

I didn't really mean to buy that much. And this huge big bag of pasta it was like this industrial sized bag of pasta. Oh that was a mistake.

Yeah that was a mistake. We're still going through that. That's a kilo. A kilo of pasta. I'm really bad at measurements as well. Did I tell you at the time

I bought the whiteboard? No. Oh my god. I don't understand size. Neither do I. I don't understand it. I do I. I don't understand it. I don't. I've never had a

measuring tape. Twice, so one time I went into a second hand shop. There was a desk there, this huge big desk. And I went home and I went up and I measured it with a book. I was like, okay, so it's, the book was, I can't remember, say War and Peace. No, it wasn't. But it was like, okay, so it's seven words and pieces long and 18

words and pieces this way and then bought it couldn't even get in the front door it was like a desk for the White House it was so big

I hate when that happens and then the second time I had to end up going down to my aunt's for what lives down in the Thigh now then the second time was I ordered a whiteboard

I was like I just need to get it organised a little whiteboard for my walls like a doodle it arrived I didn't even look at the measurements it just went bing into the basket it arrived kind of organized, you know, just organized. A little whiteboard for my walls, like a doodle-a-la-la-la. It arrived.

I didn't even look at the measurements. It just went, bing, into the basket. It arrived. My mother's like, what do you want? Get down here. This university-sized whiteboard is absolutely ginormous.

Arise. There's a photo of me, there's a photo of me posing with it. My mom ended up having to sell it on eBay. Like, I couldn't even figure out how to sell it. It was gigantic. It was like the whole size of that wall there. I tell you, you're very organised.

Just for my thoughts, you know. Just to do the damn thoughts. Little girls for the day. Oh my God, I found this thing, speaking of weird pictures. Long story, I was asked to do this documentary thing and... Hang on, there's the best one. Why are you looking at pictures like that? That's my work laptop.

I can't find the best ones because they've obviously put a block... Oh, there's my favourite one, right? I was looking look at that look at that one there i have a dick in my eye and someone has photoshopped my picture my face to all these oh my Oh my God, no. Is it not the funniest thing you've ever seen?

There's dicks coming out of my ears. It's dick city. Get it off my laptop. Joe's going to be called in for a disciplinary hearing because he's watching

porn in the office. Celebrity fakes, that is absolutely hilarious. I look like I'm having quite a nice time there actually. And depending on the man I might be interested. Oh my God, that is absolutely hilarious I look like I'm having quite a nice time there actually and depending on the man

I might be interested oh my god that is hilarious yeah so that's what I found out about myself today so I was actually looking up egg porn earlier because I was

just thinking about what do you mean egg porn well because I know that we spoke about eggs and we've kind of fallen out we disagree about the hardness of an egg

I'll discuss eggs in a minute anyway it turns out then this thing came up as like egg porn as in on YouTube on Pornhub it's like a category

what were you doing on Pornhub I just searched egg porn my favourite site and I came right now that's your search engine Vogue's fucking always

dipping her toe into the love love to put a Pornhub can you just get off Pornhub for like five minutes please Vogue not on fucking Hove

no way not on my free time. What do you think I should be doing right now? Ten past seven. This is Pornhub time. Send yourself off. Little story. Pop, pop, pop.

Right, Joanne, I've held off asking you because i mean your week looks like it's going great so far go on what's happened i'm in greece apparently what happened before that when you were meant you were telling me about this hotel you were going to five star hotel we booked in

myself and Audrey I'm going to be rolled home yeah so five star all inclusive in Chania in fairness do you know what

like this is actually my own fault for not being present in my own life I don't book anything I just turn up so she just sends me addresses of shit and I just go okay which means if so if she doesn't fulfill her end

I'm just like a lost dog in the wilderness of Greece which is exactly what happened so basically night before I was due to fly out I messaged her and I was like come here give us the like check-in deeds to that place because I want to see if I can get a transfer blah blah blah I said oh yeah sure hold on and Audrey is super organized super successful great job blah blah blah anyway she's looking looking looking she's like I can't find the deets I'm really stressed I'm like don't worry like they're obviously there like we discussed it you clearly booked it one two skip a few she forgot to pay the deposit. They pulled the booking. They cancelled the booking, didn't tell her.

And like I say, because I take no accountability for my own life, I was just going to go to wherever she told me to go. So I had no involvement in the booking at all. So she's freaking out. I'm due to go to brunch. I was like, look, I'm going to go for brunch. Hopefully when I get back from brunch, this is all... I'm going to brunch. I was like, look, I'm going to go for brunch. Hopefully when I get back from brunch, this is all,

I'm going to brunch, sort it out, bitch. Basically. Yeah. She's freaking out. She's got two kids and a husband. I was like,

do you know what? Don't worry. We'll just go another time. And she's like, cause she's got two kids and a husband and she's booked time off and she's organized, you know, childcare and all.

She's like, we're going like, I was like, I was like, come to London. Like it's great. Like, don't worry about it. And she was like, like I, though, you know child care and all she's like we're going like i was like i was like come to london like it's grand like don't worry about it and she's like yeah like i though you know and i know it's do you know when someone do you know when someone makes such an epic fuck up that you're filled with an inner with you're filled with an inner peace because you're like i have so much power here it's like oh i love this yeah i, if I did that, she'd have me assassinated. Do you know the way?

But she's done it. She never does the shit, which means I now have the upper hand for at least 10 years of our friendship. So that gave me a lot of inner peace. So I was just kind of, I was, I was kind of buzzing. I was kind of like buzzing and glowing with how epic her fuck up was yeah I kind of enjoyed it anyway I went for brunch she's scrambling around trying to book accommodation she's like get on the plane I was like but I've nowhere to go Audrey she's like get on the plane okay okay so like obviously like I do what I'm told I'm very suggestible and then she's sending me through all this information about this new place she's booked

and this, that and the other. And she's like, you're going to go to the fancy place for one night and then you're going to... The train broke down on the way to the airport.

Nightmare. Obviously, I should call myself Joanne Replacement Bus McNally. I'm on a fucking replacement bus, obviously. Don't know if I'm going to make the flight.

Meet this girl who's also flying to Greece called Madison. We become travel companions. We get pissed in the airport, black out in the plane. I land. I go to where I'm supposed to get, to the fancy euphoria place. They're like, we've never heard of you.

What are you doing here? I ring Audrey. She's like, that's not the hotel I told you. You're going to this hotel. And I was like, Audrey, I need this shit spelt out for me. If there's a change of plan, I it like Spelt out in one of those Airplane bubble Like I need

I need to be spoon fed This information I'm not smart enough To deal with this many Plan changes I'm not smart enough Okay So anyway

I'm in this hotel And I'm like Do you know what Fuck it I'm going to stay here Because I'm here now And the other hotel Is an hour away

Anyway I'm in an all inclusive 24 hours I go to check out The next day She's like I was like I might stay And like have alusive, 24 hours. I go to check out the next day. She's like, I was like, I might stay and like have a coffee. She goes, you can stay.

So to say, I stayed in that all-inclusive. Like I was wheeled out of the place at like five to midnight because I knew that once I got to my real hotel, I'd have to pay for everything. I just sat with my suitcase in the buffet in the restaurant for like nine hours, just eating and drinking everything. Got to my new hotel and they're like, welcome, welcome. Would you like a drink? And I was like, yeah, I'd love a red wine.

They're like, thank you. You will be charged. I was like, oh, okay. Your new hotel, it looks a bit sad. Yeah, it's basically a bin. So it's like I'm staying in, I was staying in a kind of a heaven. Poor Audrey though, I feel sorry for her.

But I love when people do something like that because as you said, like I store that shit. I'm like, great, well they've done that now. So I owe them one. Or if someone cancels, I'm like, ah, yes. Means I can cancel on them another time. And I kind of come a little when someone cancels a plan on me.

Cause I'm like, oh sorry no jeez i get such a thrill out of someone canceling plans because it means like i'm flaky mcflake flake so when they cancel on me i'm like i got to cancel back and i'm like it's the best you know what you've actually got it perfect with me because like you'll tell me you're coming to do something and then you might arrive you might not i never know it's like it's like a game that you play with me yeah or i could just walk downstairs and she's just there on the peloton it's a surprise I'm like the lotto yeah you are like the lotto well at least you're in Greece now and you're having a nice time you've managed to find a hotel that doesn't look in any way Grecian the view's fantastic do you know what right I was so I was sitting I was in my hotel today and I was like

I should go into I should go I don't know it's so embarrassing because I I said I resigned myself to having a holiday where I was never I was supposed to be in that other hotel and I was like I'm not gonna leave I'm just gonna eat and drink until I die and then now that I'm kind of living or staying in a wheelie bin in the center of Greece I was like I should go into the town and kind of get to know what's going on so I walked I was like I need to sample the delights like the local culinary treats so I went into the town I went into Zara and then I went into a chemist and bought Greek salpidine into Zara in the middle like where are you like go to an island or something why are you there I was walking around Zara being like hola hola um I'd like this in a Grecian 10 please um yeah and then I was like I wonder what Greek salpidine is like so I've I've I've

tasted I'm completely engrossed in the culture now I'm delighted with myself I had technical difficulties this week. My laptop shat itself. Shat itself. Right. So it just died one day, refused to be resuscitated. I know. So I took it to the internet shop, whatever they call it. Like, this is not my world, right? Like, I'd still be on a flip phone if I could be.

I took it to the World Wide Web shop. I was trying to listen to it. It wouldn't dial up for me anymore So I took it to the World Wide Web shop And your man was like Oh well you know If it's the motherboard Everything's gone And I was like what?

They always have to start with the bad shit I know How old is the laptop? Like it's not It's not old enough to be like Everything's gone. Are we five years plus or no? It's under five years, I'd say.

Well, then it should be living. Is it a Mac? Yeah, MacBook Pro. Oh my gosh, shocked. So I took it in anyway, and he's like, everything's gone. And I was like, what do you mean everything's gone? Like, every single thought I've ever had

is on that laptop. And he's like, if it's the motherboard, everything's gone. And I was like, that's a load of bollocks. I said, it's 2021. They just put a pig's intestine in a human. It's 2021. They put a a pig's intestine in a human. It's 2021.

There's flying cars in Japan. No, there's not. There is. It only flew for four minutes, but it flew. So if you live nearby, it's perfect. There's a flying car in Japan. Flying car in Japan. They're hoping to have full-blown flying cars by 2025,

which seems a bit ambitious. They put a brain in a robot, I read yesterday. Oh, like, this is a... I'm willing to donate my organs, but not for shit like that. They grew the brain in a lab, so it's a fake brain. Oh my God, that's frightening. I don't like the world. But the robot can't do anything now, except, I think, get depressed.

The robot's very anxious. The robot's strung out in Prozac and stuff. The robot's now saging in some lab in Japan and I was like so there's all this going on and you're telling me

you can't rescue my 2002 Turkey photo album I just don't believe it and your mum was like well have you not stored anything in the cloud and I was like don't talk to me about the cloud

I don't understand it it's somewhere up in space it's intangible space is for drinking gins he's like you need to store everything in the cloud and that's why they've designed

the MacBook Airs now so that they you cannot rescue shit to force you to pay to store shit in the cloud oh I store shit in the cloud all my shit's in the cloud is it?

I know and I'm not even technical now I'm hoping it's all in the cloud I think you're more I assume it just goes there on its own doesn't it? I don't know does it? does it?

Jo does it go on its own? does it just fly to the cloud on its own, doesn't it? I don't know. Does it? Does it? Jo, does it go on its own? Does it just fly to the cloud on its own, Jo? Depends on your settings. Oh, no. Mine's probably not there. I'm more ahead in the fangirl than a file's in the cloud. Like, I don't understand how it works at all. My brother is...

Right, come over and get my brother to sort all that out for you when your laptop's fixed. He's like a genius at shit like that. Yeah. Also, the other thing is the laptop just died when i didn't i didn't know what windows i had open so i had to hand it over to this guy i'm like you know i mean it's not like i'm into like beheading porn or anything vicious like oh my god do you watch porn on your laptop i just watch it on my phone but you don't get the full experience i don't i wouldn't have it on full volume.

You've just admitted you watch porn. One of our friends, if you take his phone, you can be sure to find at least 10 or 11 porn windows open. All different ones. Yeah. That's greedy. I told you that

when I went out with the lad, his porn hub was like his search engine. It was like his homepage. Did I tell you that? I'm not going to lie. It has shown up on my search engine. Yeah. The bit at the bottom on your phone when you open your phone and it was like his homepage I'm not gonna lie it has shown up on my search engine yeah the bit at the bottom

on your phone when you open your phone and it's like most viewed sites I'm like oh my god I need to chill out I'm disgusting

they're like you've reached your porn limit this month Vogue we're worried I have to say I'm feeling very sexual we're worried

you're gonna rub your clit off we're concerned I was trying to rub it out it's just a little nub now oh my god it's like the veneer stumps you know like the little nubs

under the veneers so did he see your porn? I didn't have I don't think I was watching porn that's I'm just saying when you hand it over you suddenly feel very vulnerable you're have I don't think I was watching porn That's I'm just saying When you hand it over You suddenly feel very vulnerable

You're like I don't know what I was looking up Like do you know what I mean I always have about 90 windows open It's probably why the thing Shot itself Anyway I got the call last night

He was like We've saved it Of course It's going to cost you 600 quid probably 250 He was like It was like I was waiting

For something Relative on life support I was like I'm in a taxi Relative on life support I was like I'm in a taxi On my way to the internet shop Anyway I took it home last night Fucking thing died again

What Gave it life to life Oh he also said There's water damage And I was like It's probably wine I don't know I don't remember that

Someone messaged me saying my friend's mum was in Fitzpatrick's the other night when you were there and her friend had to leave because of your laugh. She has hearing aids and apparently the shriek set them off. So they had to leave.

Stop! Obviously not your fault, but thought it was gas. I mean, I knew I was annoying, but that's next level. Your laugh makes me happy. I have a dirty ass laugh. It's dirt. Yeah, but I like it. My laugh has changed over the years.

Laughs do change. Oh, they defo change. I might try a new one. I might try... Why don't you do one like this? Let's practice now. Oh, God. laughs do change yeah oh they defo change I might try a new one I might try I might go why don't you do one like this let's practice now oh god

some people laugh do your best fake laugh I can't I actually can't fake laugh I do at your gigs all the time so I know how to do it go that's where you're not invited

I'll stop the whole show be like, sorry guys. Vogue, that's fake! Get out! Oh my God, sorry. Are we going to talk about how good my couch is? There I was,

looking for, look, trying to get my news. What's going on in Afghanistan? What's going on China? The Chinese are coming. What's going on there? How's Joe going on in China? The Chinese are coming. What's going on there?

How's Joe Biden going? Oh, here we are. Vogue Williams unveils, what was it? New orange sofa. This is under news, Joe. Can I just say something about that couch though? It's changed my life.

Joanne, you know I've had a real problem with couches over the last couple of years. Sorry, this is just as I was scrolling through looking for like information on the refugee crisis pregnant Vogue Williams unveils eye-popping orange sofa

and it's perfect for her third baby what are you going to birth it on the fucking couch I only got the sofa because this baby wanted it why do you think that sofa's there?

Your unborn child has now had more press, English press, than I have had. Your unborn child. I actually didn't see that. I only saw it on your page and I was like,

I feel like if I even comment, I'm slagging off the sofa company or hello. I'm staying out of it. Staying out. I was like, what next? She's going to be unveiling teacups, forks. She literally takes, she'll be emptying her dishwasher on Insta. They're like, call your hello I'm staying out of it I was like what next she's going to be unveiling tea cups

forks she literally takes she'll be emptying her dishwasher on Insta they're like Vogue Williams unveils

silver spoon oh no that's in Theodore's Mates that's in Theodore's Mates oh no sorry that Kate

couldn't believe it has that Kate not changed your life I said on Instagram, I could have rung up Hello and said, Hello, I've joined ISIS. They'd be like,

Really? What does Vogue think about that? I've unveiled a terrorist plot. Do you want to write about that? No. You want to write about your sofa? Okay. That is too good.

That is too good. That is too good. You should post a picture of the mushrooms and they might post about them. Hello magazine. I mean come on. Shut up you. I love hello magazine.

I know you do. They're very good to you. They are very good to me and my sofa. They are. I went down. I met the couch. Grand.

Excuse me? The couch is not grand. That's changed my life that couch. Do you know how long it took me to get my cage right? Years? Two years?

Two years. Two years. And everyone was like, why is the cage different again? I was like, well, do you know what? Because I've made bad choices. I've made bad sofa choices. It was like the coffee table.

It took me six months to get a coffee table. Couldn't choose one. I haven't had a coffee table since I put it all out in the street. We never replaced it. Joanne, that's not right. I know. It's too bad.

Are you just going to start throwing out their beds and stuff? I don't know what I'm going to do next. I don't know what I'm going to do next. I could do anything. Youanne, that's not right. I know, it's too bad. Are you just going to start throwing out their beds and stuff? I don't know what I'm going to do now. I don't know what I'm going to do now. It's going to do anything. You wouldn't be living with me. I'd lose all my bits. You want to see how lying he is now?

God. He like, I've never seen somebody like to face their own face. What do you mean? He had this like spot on his chin under his beard and he like attacked it so had this like spot on his chin under his beard and he like

attacked it so much that like half of his like his chin is so swollen that you can noticeably see half of it hanging down and then I put it

and then I put it in his head that it might be an ingrown hair. Well he came out with blood pumping out of his face and I was like

what have you just done to yourself? He basically like slices it off and I went into the bedroom today and i had to i actually sent him a text i was like this isn't acceptable to like i'm not sharing a room with you i went into the bedroom there's lasagna all over the sheets and then there was

blood from his chin all over the sheets in tissues in the toilet in tissues in the bin i'm like dude no one wants to clean that up or look at it I was like that's disgusting Spen's gross basically I think you need to put him in a cat bed out in the garden or like a kennel like honestly a shed build a little shed for Spen

and just put him out there he can pick away at his chin and eat his lasagna yeah I was going to ask him to move into his mom's for a little while I just can't bear it at the moment

like I really need my space I'm pregnant and I can't take it it's too disgusting for me I lived with lads before the first house I was in I lived with lads before and like

they're gross like it's gross they're absolutely disgusting I used to come home and my flatmate at the time would have just like so he used to get

a roast chicken to make stuff for himself for the week and he'd pull the roast chicken apart with his hands and open all the cupboards so then you'd go and grab a cupboard

and just grease everywhere and then there was like puke all over the toilet one day because obviously he'd been out that weekend and I'd been in Dublin

Did you ever say I'd been visiting or something? Vogue please I'm parsing it's all in the past Oh my god puke on the floor oh

oh god no I just I can't certain people's living conditions I can't accept yeah men should be ridden

and enjoyed and then put out the back I agree in the garden no? too much? no I think that's right ride enjoy

out the back that's what I want like a man flap like a cat flap for a man. Just kick him out. I might put that, will I record myself

saying that to Spenny later? Go be gross in the garden. Yeah. Go be disgusting. I'll record myself later. I'll say, Spen, I've been thinking about things

and I think that we should, we can still have sex every night, but then you have to go and live in your mom's house. Yeah, go down to the basement. See what he says. Yeah.

Just go somewhere else, not here. At least until your chin is healed yeah I've climaxed and I've rung an Uber thank you yeah goodbye

bye see you later I don't like that word climaxed either what would you like what do you call you thought it was called goofing off

so I don't think you know what's going on goofing off I thought it was like frigging yourself oh yeah sorry I wouldn't do you like climax no I don't think you know what's going on goofing off I thought was like frigging yourself oh yeah sorry is that like climax no I don't think so

what do you like don't know well I do like it I just don't like the word the petty muck you're like something's happening I don't want to say anything

I don't want to identify what it is what is it help I'm going I'm going do you ever find out weird things when you're younger

I was in a podcast for Boots today and we were talking about like when you first like learn to weird things when you're younger I was in a podcast for Boots today and we were talking about like when you first like learn to masturbate when you're younger like you just kind of

learn to do it she's masturbating mad I'm not this isn't going in the pod but I'll tell you a funny story about me and a candle I'll tell you

a funny story about me and a shower head I'm sweating I might have to take off my bowler neck can we discuss Gigi's christening oh I know

yeah well I know we have discussed this on the pod. She has to get christened. Did you like her outfit? Everyone's like, Joanne's going to say

she looks like she's from The Famine. Well, no, what I was going to say was when I opened her stories and saw her all dressed in white, I was like, if that little bitch

gets married before me, I was like, who the fuck is she getting married to? Some aristocrat. Oh, with the bonnet. I'd object. Can you explain to me though,

why is she dressed like a Mormon? She is dressed, because I think that is the cutest. Listen, as long as they're not going to say anything about what they're wearing, that's what they're wearing. She looks like she's preparing for a life of harvesting and horse carts.

What is with the little... The bonnet is the best bit have you seen this show it is hilarious oh god it's so cute I like why is she

is she not a bit old to be christened now Joanne do you remember that thing called COVID yeah and now I'm still not sure because Ireland are like

are they doing restrictions or are they not doing restrictions because like everyone is coming to Scotland for New Year's and I'm like that's the perfect time to do it everyone's in one place

whoever decides not to come tough luck you're not coming it's really hard to organise something like that so before like I want her to wear a Mormon outfit

and she's not going to be able to if I don't get her christened soon they only go to a certain size I watched her in one of those long dresses they don't do them anymore did you see her storming around the shop it's all very not graceful in her new dress I'd love to put her in one of those long dresses they don't do them anymore did you see her storming around the shop very not graceful

in her new dress I'd love to put her in what was your ones what was your one you used to go out with Hugh Grant Liz Hurley Liz Hurley

do you remember that dress the black dress the Versace yeah with the safety pins up the side put her in one of those I think you're right or what about a bodycon a bodycon a bodycon

bodycon she'd look fantastic slather her in bare by Vogue yeah so don't be concerned that you're not invited to the christening because I know you won't be able to come anyway

why? well because it's in Glen Africa in Scotland I know you're in Dublin and you don't I'll actually I think I'm actually getting it on New Year's Eve

don't worry me and Gigi will have our own little have our own little celebration it reminded me of my own christening oh my god did you have to get

christened when you were old yeah because I was adopted well I still am adopted because of the adoption I loved your post by the way about adopted dogs adopted dog

I'm one yeah so as an adopted dog myself I can highly recommend us yeah so because of the adoption thing my parents didn't want to like invest in a christening until I was like as an adopted dog myself, I can highly recommend us. Yeah, so because of the adoption thing, my parents didn't want to like invest in a christening

until I was like legally theirs. And for the first three months they have you, the birth mother can take you back. What? I know. Oh my God, that's terrible. I know.

So my mum was just, obviously she was like, well, I'm not wasting a cake on her. Christenings are not cheap. Are not cheap. No. Anyway, so by the time I was christened, I was like walking around serving on her. Christenings are not cheap. Are not cheap. No. Anyway, so by the time I was christened, I was like walking around

serving the drinks and all. I was like in a black dress. I looked like a little widow. I don't know why she had me in a black dress. Oh, you don't like cream. You wouldn't go for cream. I was in a black velvet floor length gown walking around being like, hey.

Ah, that's so cute though with loads of hair, I bet you. Were you just born with loads of hair? Yeah, I was like a hamster. Wow. Just everywhere. That's pretty good. Yeah. of hair I bet you Were you just born With loads of hair Yeah I was like a hamster Wow Just everywhere That's pretty good Yeah

I have a question for you actually You know the way Gigi doesn't really like you And Theodore's a bit old now And that was That was really pre-Joanne Yeah Spenny and I have decided

Yeah That we're gonna ask you To be godmother To this one Yes I'd love to take the baby Oh my god I'd love to take the baby Oh my god I'd love to

Woohoo Only if it's a girl You sound like Theodore Except he's like I want a brother I'm like what if it's a sister I don't want it Oh my god

I'd be absolutely honoured And you'll have to be Really nice to that child You'll have to put in the groundwork What if this one Doesn't like you a lot No because I'll make sure That it doesn't

Like I'll bond with it Okay, grand And it's James O'Neill as well Stop! I know And Kieron Hold on a second You're the only godmother

Did you hear me mention another girl's name? No, not yet I've got a baby She's got a baby She has a baby I can't believe I had a baby You can keep it I feel so mad because I've been slagging it the whole time.

Yeah, you've been slagging this kid literally since you found out about conception. Oh well, they may never hear it. I think that's

good godparents though. Imagine you and James taking the baby out. Stop. Yeah, like that would be the dream where the baby is going to stay

with you for the weekend. God, absolute winner. I don't want my pucks. A drawer. you for the weekend god absolute winner a drawer the other day I was filming somewhere and I was doing a job and so the tv company had organized my car for that morning and the night before I said to my manager listen the car is too early change it 20 minutes later and so I went down exactly to the time that I said I was going to get in the car and hopped in the car and the driver was furious with me and he's like this this job's cancelled and I was like no it's not he was like you're 20 minutes late I was like I'm not 20 minutes late I was like this job should have been changed 20 minutes later I was like I wouldn't leave somebody sitting outside

for that long like I'm not rude he was like well it's cancelled now and I was like okay fine I'll get out of the car so I half got out of the car and he was like okay no hang on wait and he rang the car company who I won't name and they were like oh actually it wasn't updated in the system yes that's what happened and I showed him the message on my phone because I was like that cheeky bastard like I'm not rude I wouldn't leave him sitting there anyway off we go he dropped me like an hour and a half away to this job that I'm going to and then Amber rang me and Amber was like do you know what that driver did this morning and I was like what I was like he was really pissed off at me. I was like, he really like had a go at me.

He was so fucked off. My God, we have a concierge. Sorry, we have a concierge. That's it. And he walked in the door and there was a full human shit with tissue on my doorstep so you couldn't like you couldn't get through the pedestrian gate without getting shit on your feet so my poor concierge was like i have to clean up

this shit but i also want to know who did the shit because there's CCTV so anyway he looks at the CCTV the driver is seen pacing up and down furiously and you've seen outside my house there are so many if like if you had a bad curry and you were dying to shit there are so many other places to shit within like meters of where he did it and he's pacing up and down furiously looking up and down the road comes back does a half standing half squatting shit wipes his arse gets into the car no joke i got into the car less than a minute later and i was like my concierge was like did you shake his hand i was like no he was fucking raging with me he did an anger shit on my doorstep and then i get into the car and explain the situation and

he's probably sitting there thinking i've just shat in her doorstep and she didn't even do anything to me this is a man who was also in his late 50s early 60s imagine i. I've said, I mean, where do you even start? He was like, when I say he was furiously pacing, he was pet, he was like really angry with me, like the cheek of me leaving him outside. But how do you shit on command?

Jo, you're not, Jo, you're not really supposed to ask questions on the pod. No, I know, sorry,

I know, I know, I know that. It's just, this is me in Vogue's pod, Jo, okay, you just giggle in the background

like a little bitch. Only messing, Jo. I can't believe I'm allowed to have a whole shitting story and people aren't like telling me to shut up. This is great. But anyway,

it's unacceptable. Amber sent me a picture of the shit. Oh. I'm like, because I had to send it off because my concierge then had to clean it up he's not my concierge by the way he's the building concierge and he had to clean it up and like my manager was like you've got to send him like a gift of some kind i don't

know what you send for a shit a candle i don't fucking know. And so I like, in one sense, I'm like, God, I hope that man doesn't get fired for doing like an anger shit on someone's doorstep. But at the same time,

can't really go around shitting on people's doorsteps. I'm sorry. Like that's the work. That's what, that's what you do if you're a political prisoner. Like he's taking a fucking TV presenter

to a studio. He's not protesting the occupation of his land like that's the shit they do in armagh prison it's completely over the top the punishment does not match the crime at all what would you have done if you were the full half an hour defecate through your chimney oh my god but like what if i had walked out a minute earlier and he was shit squatting on my on my doorstep what would I have done

I would have gotten such a fright that man has lost the art of patience I would love to know if that man applies that level of urgency

to all areas of his life because if I find out that man has a slow cooker or drinks like 12 year old whiskey he's a two faced snaky bastard what do you do

you just shit on everything that doesn't turn up when you want it to what are his fucking pot plants like face snaky bastard what do you do what do you do you just shit on everything that doesn't turn up when you want it to what are his fucking pot plants like if that was the case it'd be bus stop in Ireland

it'd be just it'd be fucking it'd be a port-a-loo imagine his oven that chicken Kiev was due five minutes ago a fucking asterisk just shitting all over the place

it's unacceptable it's unacceptable it's but you know what else though he gets paid for waiting time so like he was still getting paid even if i didn't show up that's just and like that that car like that's supposed to be a high class

like a high chic experience no one would do that not even those tuk tuk lads have more fucking decency than that

also I was never ever it wasn't even your fault if that man had any integrity he would have dropped you off driven back to your apartment complex picked up that shit

and delivered it where it needed to go which was on your manager's doorstep who made the actual mistake he is unprofessional and he is now fucking i honestly was gonna get the car company to send them back to clean it up but like my concierge was like listen like everyone will just be walking in and out of it i have to get rid of it now it's like literally on the doorstep and I don't know but the car company then were looking for the CCTV and I'm like I just I feel

I can't help but feel bad because I don't want him to lose his job but now I'm scared like he'll have lost his job and I'm just going to get a fucking shit in the eye one day

he'll just be outside my gaff and just fling a piece of shit in my eye the man is a chimpanzee he should be cycling a unicycle and juggling around battersy like it's unacceptable you can't just fling shit at people when they don't turn up on time imagine him at airport security someone doesn't have their liquids

in a bag and he's fucking unbuttling his belt oh my god honestly that's someone's dad as well i was thinking i was like that is someone's dad he must have felt so uncomfortable for our whole car journey being like oh god i shouldn't have shot in her doorstep i shouldn't have shot in her doorstep it wasn't her fault and also vogue like if we're gonna get really logistical about us that he made the decision to do that when you were about 12 minutes late like you like that man like that wasn't he wasn't there an hour and a half you were literally 12 minutes late he already hated you he obviously hates everyone who comes into his car could have made that decision at seven i walked i walked by

my i walked by my concierge last night and he was like oh see you later i was like, oh, see you later. I was like, bye, I'm just going to do shit outside. A child wouldn't take a shit outside unless it was a sandbox. He's just shat in the street. That's the kind of first experience of that I've had. Well, yeah. I mean, why do you sound surprised? That is a triple wick situation that's if you're gonna get him a candle

go big I'm not dealing with it I didn't do it and then by the way and then the car company were like no you still have to pay for the trip

it's like no we're not gonna pay for that trip you're actually gonna use that money and you're gonna buy my concierge something because he deserves this

very unprofessional very true it was very unprofessional i find that behavior unprofessional Thank you.