My Therapist Ghosted Me - Celebrity Mugshots, Missing Parrots & Gay Animals

Episode Date: June 28, 2024

Things havent been the same for Justin Timberlake since he got a tit out at the superbowl, Joanne muses. Meanwhile Vogue discovers homosexual wildlife and we have a good old rummage around the latest celeb goss including Pink's not-so-flattering flying routine, Taylor Swift mania and Brittney's give-a-sh*t reaction to JT's recent arrest.If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] review Global's Privacy Policy: global.com/legal/privacy-policy/For merch, tour dates and more visit: www.mytherapistghostedme.com/For more information about Joanne's gigs, visit: www.joannemcnally.comThis episode contains explicit language and adult themes that may not be suitable for all listeners.Thank you!

This is a Global Player Original Podcast. Anne and I love polos because we're like horses. Giddy up. Speak for yourself. Excuse me? You have horse vibes. Hello and welcome to My Therapist Ghosted Me. It's me, it's Gerard McNally and it's herself. Me, Vogue Williams. My permanent guest, Vogue Williams.

Tis me. What a day to be alive! Hit it! Hello, Robin. I'm Batman. The one in charge Yeah Yeah of course

Well I don't want to be the boss every day Speaking of Speaking of you being in charge No I don't want to be in charge What's this about? No no no It's nothing

It's nothing It's just a compliment for you Oh thank you I listened to your How to Fail episode with Elizabeth Just be careful I'm

It's There's a heat wave so I'm wearing no brassiere Me neither And no knickers I had no knickers on yesterday I wouldn't be me neither and no knickers I had no knickers on yesterday I wouldn't be wearing

jeans with no knickers I needed the breeze in my gusset ah that heat that's not comfortable with jeans and no knickers no way they're shorts

they're jean shorts I know but I no I'm just saying be aware because I don't I'm really scared now I don't want to look

at your area a lip or a nipple could slip and I I don't want to embarrass you your area a lip or a nipple could slip and I don't want to embarrass you a lip there's nothing for embarrassing

have you ever like my lips need to breathe have you ever been on holidays and you look down your bikini and there's just part of a lip out it's like yeah of course

you're like let it out that deserves a bit of sun as well why not here she comes here she comes here she comes you look strapline in your labia I know somebody who got filler in their labia

and they showed me a before and after picture looked fantastic so was that to correct that's kind of the designer vagina thing she was trying to fill her make it smaller

or make it bigger make it bigger so she said that she never had like full juicy lips and she had the juicy lips on the face and then she did the juicy lips

on the vagene oh I see I didn't I know and when I saw it I was like wow and then I was thinking

maybe that's how women's vaginas age they lose weight okay as in like they go a bit gaunt they go a bit gaunt they go a bit gaunt like you go gaunt

when you're like when you lose weight and stuff like that it goes from your face like elderly people they shrink like people like human beings

I can't wait to shrink personally I can't wait to shrink but I just don't want to I don't know how long it's going to take you I know I'm going to get like I'm a tall girl

when you hit 90 you might go back to 6 foot no I'm not 6 foot don't spread that rumour and there's no I've no shade to 6 foot girls out'm not 6 foot don't spread that rumour and there's no I've no shade to 6 foot girls out there I just

I would be they're coming for you I would be they're going to bash at me with their big hands going to kick the shit out of you I always just wanted to be just under 6 foot

so I'm 5 foot 11 and 3 quarters and I haven't made that up ok God did me a solid not my hands or feet but he did me a solid

on the six foot yeah I appreciate that the heat yeah God we really like veered off there quite fast didn't we

I find this heat like as we know I'm a I'm a sweaty girl and I've been gigging recently and the clubs

have no air con in them like there's nothing in them. And to say it's distracting, it's so disgusting. I was like, I was saying to one of the promoters, you're lucky I'm not down here in a fucking G-string and a sarong.

Can you please put a fan in that room? Like I'm pumping sweat. Yeah, but Beyonce does it. This is you practicing for your big tour again. Beyonce has to go running when she, she sings when she runs. This is what you have to do. Yeah, maybe that's just time for the...

I mean, imagine me dragging a lot of fans down to Top Secret in Covent Garden. They'd be like, oh, wow. Who the fuck do you think you are? Fans one week, ring lights the next. It's like, oh, well, I got away with the fans.

Demanding a rider in the green room that's literally a box under the stairs but yeah it's been awful it's been horrible even for this podcast I just tried to put some makeup on in the bathroom and it just all melted off

I literally put I used my sponge just rubbed my sweat around my face I was in the taxi on the way here and the taxi was really hot and I was like

God you came to my mind I was like I wonder how Joanne's doing Thank you This isn't good for Joanne No You're going to move into my downstairs again, I wonder how Joanne's doing. Thank you. This isn't good for Joanne. No. You're going to move into my downstairs again.

Come back to the basement. There's Eric on there. I'm like an Alsatian in the sun. I know. And then I'm reading all these. Do you know what bothers me? Do you know the way the fashion industry, why do you keep looking at that cup?

You keep drinking it and then staring at it. Because the teabag is dripping onto me. I'm going to have to wash the dress anyway because I've dirty-lipped it. But the teabag is dripping. Fashion just takes no doesn't take weather into consideration at all

so I was reading my little stylist magazine what's going up what's coming down and it was like fashion for summer they're bringing in fucking tights and all

and like denim boob tubes I'm like in this heat I'm sorry I completely disagree with tights particularly in the summer because I actually have a brand

that means that you don't have to wear tights and I want to keep sell, sell, selling. Well, some people, it's about the texture of the leg rather than the colour of the leg. Do you get me? Would you go around in a tight? There's nothing more. Yeah, before I had my veins removed, I was very tighted up. Well, I have to say, I'm probably going to get in trouble again because maybe they're in fashion now. But like there's something that makes me feel so violently ill

and it is skin colour tights they are never acceptable I've seen a lot of them in the press of late that Taylor Swift has bet into them day in day out in her Ears tour

all those pop stars on their tours wear those pink she was flying around the free arena that's different that's because they have to

keep themselves in and stuff like that it is what do you mean keep themselves in they're very secure well they're never going to have a loose lip

is that what that's well look at Taylor's outfit she wears all these like swimsuit kind of vibes don't have a loose lip there I don't no shade on no shade on

did you see Pink flying around the three arena in Dublin I did yeah now I wouldn't have any interest in Pink but anyway I like her as a person

I think she's a great singer but the flying around now I mean it looks it looks absolutely fucking ludicrous a ground woman flying around like that I'm flying around

to the next Gowsett tour I'm going to dress up as a witch I'm going to get a broomstick I look at things like that now from being on tour being like

Jesus she spent a few bob on that imagine she would have had to have trained to do that and everything no and I just maybe it's the photos they took the most like Jesus she spent a few bucks on that imagine she would have had to have trained to do that and everything no and I just maybe it's the photos

they took the most unflattering photos where she's up in the air her ass is hanging out she's spinning around spinning around Pink is kind of like she needs

she not that listen Pink is great but she's not like a cool dude like she's what no she's not a cool dude

Pink did I say cool dude you she's what? no she's not a cool dude Pink did I say cool dude? you did what? you can't have an opinion on anything cool you just said cool dude I remember

the only thing I remember about Pink do you remember that dance I did that we found the video my brother emailed you on a video of me dancing when I was like 16

the street dancing yeah that was to a Pink song that's your only memory of Pink? well that's the only song that I ever really liked yeah I guess it's like how does it impact your life

I kind of got into a little Pink session on YouTube one night and she's really sound she's very good to younger singers and she's I find her very empowering but not when she's

flying around on straps I I don't I think Pink seems like a nice girl it just looks it just looks very kind of

panto or something It's very Jack and the Beanstalk When the stalk comes down Through the roof of the theatre I love that Yeah that's fine But we were kids I just mean

No I only saw that a few years ago In the Palladium Pink I love you but But no On the ground You're You're You're gonna be

I don't know how you're gonna feel About Taylor on Friday Joanna's going To Taylor Swift this evening She's going Yes If we're doing real time podcasting Yes Tonight Joanna's going to Taylor Swift this evening she's going if we're doing real time podcasting yes

tonight I'm going to Taylor in Dublin I've never heard of you listening to one single Taylor Swift song I have oh have you

yes oh wow you're a mega fan now because everyone else loves her well what happened was my sister-in-law really wanted to go

and I was in a in a very privileged position to organise tickets for us so we're to go and I was in a in a very privileged position to organise tickets for us so we're going and then I was saying to my brother because the flights home to Dublin

are I mean of course I left it to the last minute of course you did flights are like from Gatwick it's like 700 pounds

what? one way? one way baby oh my god because people are going back to see her you must really love your sister-in-law because my brother

asked me for tickets but he did it wrong he was like can I get four tickets because Jeannie my niece was wanting to go and then he was like so Jeannie and then my mate and his kid and I was like oh well where do I come in that I'm not getting you tickets he asked me too late to be fair

I'll go back to my travel plans so the flights were so expensive I said to my travel plans. Okay. So the flights were so expensive. Oh, please now. I said to my brother, I was like, I don't know if I can get out. And he's like,

look, I'm only going because you're a gown. My wife, which is my sister-in-law. How many tickets did you get? Did you get six? I got four. Oh, that's fine.

You're fine. He said, my wife is so into Taylor, she said she's not drinking, so she doesn't have to wee. Stop. In case she misses anything. Now, this show is three and a half hours long.

I was like, dude. So anyway, I started looking into the rail and sail. Oh no, Joanne. I just don't think I can part with 700 pounds for a ticket. Do you remember the rail and sail is 19 hours long? It was like you can leave your house at 6am

and I was like Taylor would be just wrapping up by the time I got there. I remember you used to get the rail and sale to save like 30 quid and I'd be like

does she not value her time? I couldn't afford to value my time folk. I didn't have fucking money. Anyway I made my peace with it. I bought some fucking 5am flight from

where you know Stansted where Stansted Stansted oh no it's gonna take you you're gonna have to go the night before I know

camp outside Stansted I'm gonna the second I arrive and the second I get to get to Taylor I'm gonna slap my brother across the face

and say you better be fucking good crack tonight because you don't know what I've been through to get here your brother's wife had a drink as well

for Taylor she won't drink she doesn't want to miss anything you know what I think is amazing because I'm not a Swifty right but I completely appreciate her music

I think that to be there putting on a three and a half hour show it's incredible where she dances she sings throughout the whole thing

and she's doing consecutive shows I'm like how when she was in London right I saw pictures of her on the Daily Mail

coming out of Chiltern Firehouse on the Sunday she'd done a gig Friday, Saturday, Sunday and then she went on the pit I can't get over it how she's obviously

she must have cloned herself or something I just can't get over it and you know her fella's in the show now and you know what's funny dressed like a Billy Barry kid didn't fancy him before

fancy him now lifted her around what do you mean and everybody fancied him before and then I kind of saw him and I was like in the top hat and the jacket

no not that I saw him I saw him hanging out with Tom Cruise maybe it was Tom Cruise I fancied I don't know well I anyway he's in the show now as well

so I'm hoping she's going to whip him out in Dublin that was like Madonna had all of her family in the show he's carrying her around oh I couldn't think of a single boyfriend past or future that I put in my show there you go but there you Oh. I couldn't think of a single boyfriend past or future

that I put in my show. There you go. But there you go. I've obviously never been in love. Absolutely not. Have you got any of those friendship bracelets? You can't go without them.

I don't have a friendship bracelet. Ah, Scarlett, you can't go without them. What? You can't go without them. What's a friend? I don't know. The Taylor Swift thing

is a friendship bracelet. I'm just throwing the head in. No. Okay. You're going to have to stay for the whole night. You're going to be drinking heavily. I'm just throwing the head in for No, okay. You're going to have to stay for the whole night. You're going to be drinking heavily. I'm just throwing the head in

for my love and support for my brother. Okay, so just like you said at YouTube and you said you had a horrible time and we saw you in the back of Dave Grohl's video

having the time of your life. That's probably what it's going to be like. Probably going to have the time of my life. I'll probably be on stage with Taylor trying to get into her green room.

Think of all the people spawning. This is fantastic news. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is actually. It's great. It's great. It's great. It's great. this is fantastic news yeah yeah yeah it is actually it's great it's great it's great it's great

like she had Andrew Scott was at her gig she had Tom Cruise at her gig and I don't mean to sound ungrateful because I know

it's so nice to get the tickets and I do really like Taylor Swift I know I have spoken negatively about her once when I think when she didn't laugh

at the joke at the Oscar about her I thought that was bad for her oh yeah everyone go for Joanne she was completely bitching about Taylor Swift

big Taylor fan big Taylor fan very excited when you guys are listening to this if you're listening to it well it doesn't actually matter what time

you start listening on Friday because I will probably be drunk I am going to Glastonbury on Friday yes you are I'm doing Friday and Saturday and I have to say

I haven't slept properly the last three nights because I am so anxious about being hungover yeah so even last night I couldn't sleep properly because

and I don't know what is going through my head I had to lay out all my clothes like on Sunday so I had all my clothes laid out and everything that I needed

so I wouldn't forget anything I don't think I'm going to go next year because I've had a real a real tough week with it yeah I think I'm too scared of Glastonbury and I'm going home

on a Sunday morning I can't wait for people spotting everything like that here's the thing T has his school play on Friday and Gigi has

sports day now Gigi is not going to win no she's not going to win so her nanny's going to that

Jane is going to go to that but the sports day now if I but the play if I stay for the play I might miss Hedy one

and I've been listening to Hedy one all week I find you think I should miss the play will I miss the play oh 100% miss the play

we know he's that's not that's not where his strengths lie somebody excuse me let's get them to record it for you

he was a star I can I just say I don't think you should go to Glastonbury next year either because even I as an outsider who's not even

going to Glastonbury I'm stressed about how stressed you are about going to Glastonbury well I'm more so stressed about being hungover. I know.

That's what I mean. You've been talking about it for a long, long time. Well, I've loads of ammo, by the way, for hangover. So someone sent me these pear pouches. And I've been told by three people now that they actually work.

And it's like a pouch of pear and you drink it before you start drinking. And then, supposedly, you don't get hungover. And now that I'm on the margarita train, that's like an upper oh great so yeah

I think I have it figured out yeah just stay hydrated and fucking get over it I know just enjoy it but I am

so I am covering for Ryan Tuberty on his radio show I'm like I'm covering for Ryan Tuberty like he's he is like the king of radio

and I'm like going on like to Tony I know you want to be on your A game I know so I'm not just don't shoot up keep it clean I promise that Joanne

it's not to be keep it clean you're thinking too far ahead I know and you know what you need to just be in the moment you need to go like just be in the present moment

enjoy it and don't be worrying about the next week you've got your beta blockers and your babanthan you'll be fine my babanthan I know but I've been telling

but I keep saying to Spencer everyone can just do what they want and have fun on their own because like I don't want to be outside till six in the morning at a rave

that's not now I have to say that's not my vibe I want to get a nice little night's sleep I want to have a really good time during the day I want to spot loads of celebs

so I can tell everyone about it and find out all the gossip at Glastonbury yeah perfect do you know who's playing I was like obviously I'm not going to Glastonbury yeah perfect do you know who's playing I was like obviously I'm not going to Glastonbury

because I'm going to Taylor Swift and Stansted do you know that Girls Aloud are playing because I was like okay I'm in London

I'm in London alone everyone's at Glastonbury I'm going to come back from Taylor on Saturday I was like what am I going to do and I was like oh my god

Girls Aloud are playing in London. Where? I think it's the, couldn't be the Palladium, could it? No, it's not the Palladium. It's like, it'd be the O2 or something. That show looks amazing. I might go to that.

Yeah, you enjoy that. I'll be at Glastonbury. Yeah, I'll be at Girls Aloud. Yeah, you have fun at Girls Aloud. I'll be with my female friends at Girls Aloud. Okay, who are you inviting to Girls Aloud? Who's going? The Girls Aloud.

Oh, the Girls? Oh, you're just going friends at Girls Aloud. Okay, who are you inviting to Girls Aloud? Who's going? The Girls Aloud. Oh, the Girls? Oh, you're just going with Nadine? Yeah. Okay, cool. Yeah. I'd actually love to go to Girls Aloud. Is it on next week

or is it just this weekend? It's on the week. I think it's only Saturday night. Why do they do that? I don't know. Maybe they'll do a guest spot in Glastonbury on Friday and no one knows about it yet.

Maybe they were snubbing Glastonbury or maybe they didn't get invited to Glastonbury. Now I have to say I'd be desperate to see Girls Aloud. And I've heard glowing reports but you know what? I'll be at Glastonbury. I'm going to go see Coldplay. Will you be to Glastonbury now I have to say I'd be desperate to see Girls Aloud and I've heard glowing reports

but you know what I'll be at Glastonbury I'm going to go see Coldplay will you be at Glastonbury did I tell you I'm going to Glastonbury are you going what are you doing this weekend

oh my god I better pack my stuff for Glastonbury because it's going to be really hot down there god I must pop the wellies in the bag for Glastonbury so you know where I wasn't

this weekend I've been telling Joanne McNally for over a month now that I'm going to Ask It that I'm DJing at Ask It right of course I say Ask It

because Spenny told me that it's called Ask It but I thought it was called Ask Cot I was about to put my hand to see if I could interrupt there and say is it not Ask Cot well I was saying Ask Cot

but I can't pretend to know and then Spenny said it's Ask It it's Ask Cot if anyone knows the name of that horse show it's Spencer Matthews does anyone know

what it is what is it Ascot or Ascot anyway doesn't matter who cares anyway I thought I was DJing

at Ascot I'll say it the way I want to say it I thought I was DJing there and so I'd gotten my I got this gorgeous little yellow dress from me and Em

it was such a nice dress I'd organised someone to send me a hat because I didn't have a hat because you reminded me that I needed a hat I'd chosen my set list I was ready to go

I'd text Louisa my manager on Thursday and I said what's the crack what time's my car she said oh sorry we didn't do that

in the end I forgot to take it out of your door and I was like do you realise I've gotten a hat and a dress and I've done my set list.

I've done all this work for what? And I was excited about going and then I was like, oh great. It's like, imagine saying, oh, I'm going to Girls' Light, I'm going to Girls' Light and then it's like, oh, you're not going to Girls' Light.

I was like, well, that's crap. I'd hate to be your manager that day. And did you buy a hat? You didn't buy a hat. Could you not have just worn Gigi's Easter hat? I was buying her bonnet. It was a fantastic bonnet. If I decided to go to Ask Cat in a fantastic bonnet if I decided to go to

Ask Cat in the end the reason I didn't go to Ask Cat was because I didn't want to wear a hat to Ask Cat I had the most amazing hat

for you and that's when I thought when I was at home in bed thinking well I just fucking go to Ask Cat and I was like I could wear Gigi's Easter bonnet

I'm so happy that you think that that is so good and worthy of Ask It because I spent a long time making that the one with the bunny the bunny there's two there that is so good and worthy of Ascot because I spent a long time making that the one with the bunny the bunny there's two there

that are very good you would have looked well in T's Dinosaur one that could be something worth another now I have to say T's Dinosaur one got more looks

so you'll be more in a chance of winning on Ladies Day T's Dinosaur one anyway I heard there was a lot of brawls at Ascot Ascot yeah Ascot is more like

I feel like that's kind of my vibe as opposed to Glastonbury it just feels more like but the thing about it is so I'm a I'm

I was thinking about DJing there and I was like oh I don't know if I'm I don't know I feel like I'm the vibe but then I was like I actually don't think

I am the vibe for Ascot because like it's like when you went to Brighton that time and you had to be like listen sorry I'm sorry oh yeah I'm here

to lower the tone I'm here to lower the tone so I was thinking if I'd go up and if someone comes up to me and asks me to play the killers everyone wants the killers are we human

like when you go to things like this they're like because like they're like my mum is always like would you not play the killers we are human and I'm like no no no I'm just

shouting laga laga that's not true but like do they run slippy yeah I would have thought that ascot is what's it called I'm going to find out

what it's called royal ascot it's ascot it is ascot look ascot look whatever it's called

I didn't go and neither did you yeah that's the end of that no one fucking went well wait my week what else that was not my week look whatever it's called I didn't go and neither did you yeah that's the end of that no one fucking went well wait my week what else that was not my week

so that was that was going to be my week I just heard it's a giant piss up with some horses in the background that's what I heard there's some horses

doing a lap in the background not even the jockeys aren't even on them because they're coming too pissed to notice and everyone's just getting langers you need to go to

you need to go to your Cheltenham vibes because people go in the piss, like your stamina would be perfect for Cheltenham. I understand what you're saying there. For Cheltenham? No, no, no,

we're very clear now. You're like, you said your Ascot vibes and I'm shabby Cheltenham. Cheltenham's, Cheltenham's, I see what you're saying there. Cheltenham's not,

I'm, Cheltenham's not shabby. It is, yeah. Shabby Cheltenham for me. I'll tell you what Cheltenham is for you. Cheltenham's not... Cheltenham's not chubby. It is, yeah. Chubby Cheltenham for me. I'll tell you what Cheltenham is for you. Cheltenham's cold. Number one. They're not even real horses.

Cheltenham is one of the biggest race meets ever. It's cold there because it's in March. I heard it's actually a dog fight, but they just hide it behind horses and that's what you're saying to me. She's going to the greyhound racing. They're going to the greyhound racing. I'll go. I'll go.

I'll go. I love dogs. I'll go to that. It's not. It's like crufts but like hot dogs like hooligan dogs. You don't have to wear a hat.

Sexy crufts. What is the dogs? Like greyhound racing is like sexy. It's like all the hot kind of hooligan dogs. Yeah. Yeah.

Real fast. By the way I know why you're going out today now. With those deadly sexy it's like all the hot kind of hooligan dogs yeah yeah real fast by the way I know why you're going out today now with those deadly little musket things on their mouths love that

it's like the neck tattoo of the dog industry oh look at that sexy bastard with that musket yeah you're like Jesus what he could do

with that look at him he can't even keep are you really have a go on you yeah they have to keep his mouth locked away

because he's I was going to say something that's disgusting there which I'm absolutely not going to say but I think you know what I was going to suggest yeah disgusting

another thing I did this week I went back to a pelvic floor chair place oh yeah go on I'm back in the pelvic floor because I decided to incorporate

a bit of skipping into my workouts oh yeah and you wet yourself I didn't wet myself I thought my insides were literally going to fall out with every skip I decided to incorporate a bit of skipping into my workouts. Oh, yeah, and you wet yourself. I didn't wet myself. I thought my insides were literally going to fall out. With every skip.

And I was like, what has happened? Because I used to be able to skip really well and do double skips and do like skip tricks. Okay. And now I can't do any of it because I just feel like I need to sit in the buzz chair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fine. Tighten things up. Did you read the story about the guy who had surgery and when he sneezed the

I was about to say the buttons oh that his rectum fell out the stitches opened and his colon I think it was his colon yeah the buttons

the stitches burst and his colon fell out onto the ground that's what I heard in a restaurant and then they had to push it back in

because he coughed and sneezed at the same time coughed and sneezed no no no no he just sneezed according to my sources well my sources of are ridiculous

we need to start doing higher end news we our news sources which usually involve Buzzfeed mine I'm sorry

but my sources said that he had stitches and he was told that the stitches were fully like fixed up and they weren't so like I was

I thought his colon had fallen out of his arse I know that sounds stupid but I thought it fell out of his arse but it actually fell out of like

stitches that he had yes after he coughs and sneezes in the arse area yeah I just would have been so embarrassed if that happened to me

God Scarlett it would be really embarrassing really embarrassing imagine your colon on the ground of a restaurant like I'm so sorry I know but I'd be scarlet I can't bend over now

because obviously I'm in pain but can someone get that for me I cannot apologise enough can you put that in a doggy bag for me please I need to bring it to the hospital can you put that cowl on

on ice please but you know when you like hurt yourself it's when you hurt yourself in public like when I was getting into my taxi there the door closed on my foot and I was like and you know and they like hurt yourself, it's when you hurt yourself in public. Like when I was getting into my taxi there, the door closed on my foot.

And I was like, and you know, and they keep asking if you're okay. And it's just like, shut up until the pain goes away and you're just scarred. You're like, I'm fine. Nearly like had to take the foot off.

Nearly had to be amputated. Nothing more embarrassing than sitting outside a restaurant waiting for an Uber with your coat on and a doggy bag. I love that we both know about the coat on. Also, let's go on to topics we're going to go on topics

now in one second I want to ask you your opinion on something is this a term thing no sports day okay so I went to tea sports day he was really good

he did really well there's no medals yes it's this it's this kind of taking part participation yeah I think it's a load of shit

so do I oh well thank you because like I didn't get a participation A when I was shit getting all crap grades and everyone else was getting like A's

and stuff and I was thrilled with a C you didn't see me getting a participation A no now in saying that I do remember a lot of shame around sports day

because I wasn't sporty but although I was great at the hurdles because I was born very tall but that was just what it was that tall but that was just what it was that was it that was just what it was

you were a fucking loser and that was just the end of it that was the one day of the year that I wasn't a loser you weren't you see I was a loser I accepted it I think these kids need

I think they need to toughen up there's a great episode thank you they need to toughen up there's a great episode in Motherland of I love Motherland Sports Day

and they're not allowed say they're not allowed kind of encourage their kids or scream anything and they're not allowed say they're not allowed kind of encourage their kids or scream anything as they're running past them they all just kind of silently just really

enthusiastically kind of like this like kind of shaking their hands and then they clap oh no see I'm not game for that I did see a podium though so I know that

T's school when they get older I know that they will be doing podium stuff like for a second and third which makes me very happy kids need to lose sometimes you've got to lose I'm sorry but like

you've got to be a loser sometimes think about it even in work when I started modelling when I was 16 do you know how many times I got turned down get used to it

you're not going to get everything you want tough luck tough shit tough shit yeah and you're better off losing on the egg and spoon so that you're prepared

when someone leaves you or like fucks your boss yeah fucks your boss it's like see you can't handle it because you never

lost at sports day I never lost at sports day to be fair I think I meant when your wife fucks your boss that's what I meant. My favourite news story from this week was... Oh, please say it.

JLo in economy. Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no. It's so funny. The headline that JLo wants to save money so is sitting in economy So ridiculous Her house is 63 million dollars

She's not trying to save money JLo as we know because we've discussed it here has been getting a lot of bad press of late Oh I know And I think this is her publicist

on acid Yeah Either her publicist is like Okay We're in a crisis We need to make you relevant people need to like you again

be relatable relatable exactly like we did with you at the start of this remember we hired that whole PR team to make you relatable that PR is obviously gone

and she's now working with JLo and so it's either that's the situation because she had her seat then she bought the middle seat for her Louis Vuitton handbag and her bodyguard

was at the end well I'm sorry she's not doing it to be relatable she's just come off a yacht she was on a yacht I saw her on a yacht yeah but we didn't see her on a yacht

supposedly she's real oh god this sounds terrible because I don't like the pile on that's happening to her you did call that ages ago but supposedly she did this interview like years ago

and that's why she doesn't have a lot of friends where she just literally took loads of people down like she took Salma Hayek down and like just slagged loads of people off so no one in the industry likes of friends where she just literally took loads of people down like she took Salma Hayek down and like just slagged loads of people off

so no one in the industry likes her but maybe she just has non-famous friends I mean yeah she's also it's JLo she doesn't really need friends

she's got all her own personalities to hang out with but I just would love to see JLo as the trolley goes past you're like what are you what are you going to order

are you going to have like a space do you need a little Kit Kat what are you going to get what's JLo getting or do you know what I was also thinking might be an option either she's trying to be relatable what are you going to order are you going to have like a space gin and a little Kit Kat what are you going to get what's JLo getting or do you know what I was also thinking might be an option

either she's trying to be relatable and actually I thought it worked quite well yeah but also I don't want to see my celebrities in economy I don't want to see you anywhere only on stage

and in Matamon de Charmont whatever that house is in LA Chateau de Marmont Chateau de Marmont Chateau de Marmont I don't want to see you on the fucking Lewis

and the tube and all I find it discombobulated I love seeing a celeb and I like it I remember once I saw Cillian Murphy on the 46A in Dublin and I've never been the same since

Stop Are you sure it was him now? 100% it was him because I was like what are you doing on the bus like that's for us what are you doing on the bus I know but you know what

the celebs are trying to go away JLo was on a super yacht so I don't take that that she was trying to be more relatable but what the celebs are trying to go away JLo was on a super yacht so I don't take that that she was trying to be more relatable but loads of celebs are getting in trouble

over their private plane use I have one more thing to say about JLo so I was thinking either she is trying to be relatable and failing or it was just

like a press photo and then she went back up to first class or her assistant no more than you and Ascot really fucked up the booking

and is now dead in a pool with JLo's umbrella from her new video shoved up her arse because she's been skewed to death because JLo turned up

and she was like I'm sorry I accidentally booked you for economy and JLo's like you did what? they're my options I think it'd be quite nice

to be, like it's, you remember that, what's her name? Bette Midler wanted to go shopping and be normal. So she built a supermarket in her house, which was like the least normal thing ever. Maybe JLo wanted to feel normal,

so she went to Conomy. That's a great idea. She's like, I want it. I'm just like you. I just want to feel like a normal person. Well, everyone's getting in trouble over their private plane use. Yes.

And the Just Stop Oil people thought that they were getting Taylor Swift's plane and sprayed like all that orange paint and it wasn't even her plane. I know, yeah. Now, Kylie Jenner took her plane on a trip that lasted 17 minutes. She went from one place in LA to the next place in LA when she could have driven. I know. It's not great now.

That's not great. It's not great. It's a frustration then when I'm like cleaning out my milk cartons and all I'm like why am I bothering my arse doing this stuff I cannot tell you

the amount of fights I've had in my house over the recycling and people discussing recycling and what's happening with the recycling and then I see Kylie Jenner

going 17 minutes but now I will tell you this between yourself and myself she gave me a lift I would go tell myself and myself on the podcast if I could manage to get a private jetpack to Taylor Swift on Friday I would go take myself myself on the podcast if I could manage

to get a private jetpack to Taylor Swift on Friday I would absolutely jump at the chance if anyone is anything to avoid Stansted

anything to avoid Stansted that's completely fair enough yeah that's like everything is disgusting behaviour until I want to do it myself

and then I'm like yeah you know yeah they have to get around you know if the option's there. Who can judge? Who can judge?

Even though Kylie Jenner, it's the reason I'm sitting here sweating like I've just done a spinning class in London. What has she done? Climate change. Oh, okay, okay, okay, okay. The airplanes are the worst.

Well, I'm sorry to... Listen, I know everyone loves Taylor Swift, but her airplane use has been the worst of everyone's in the whole world. Well, then I'm sending her the bill that I won't have to get Botox

in my face again and my armpits. Yeah, well, it's her fault. I mean, but then again, like, I mean, come on. Like, the other side of it is, and, you know, there's no winners here,

ultimately. We all are going to slowly melt and burn to death. There's no getting away from that. But on a lighter note, what's Taylor supposed to do? Well come here to me You're going to see her

on the rail and sail do you know what I mean? The one thing I will say about them is that none of them are standing around pretending like they're climate activists

they're not and I do respect the lack of hypocrisy actually Exactly whereas Leonardo DiCaprio never stops shouting on about stuff and he's constantly

on a yacht and he's constantly on a private jet and then he's telling everyone else to wash their yogurt cartons. Hold on are yachts bad? I think yachts are bad. They're just kind of floating in the sea now. Well he gets those private jets to the yachts. Ah! He's a

private jet man. Well he'll be getting my armpit Botox bill as well then. One of my favourite news stories this week was Justin Timberlake. Justin Timberlake was done for drink driving

and he claimed to have only had one drink one cocktail and the barman serving him said that he only served him one cocktail.

Yeah because he was in on it. What do you mean he was in on it? Well I would tend to believe it because think about it. You actually can't have a full drink in Ireland and drive. You can have like half a drink or something like that.

The way the rules work, you can have like half a drink. But like, he basically was stopped by this really young cop who didn't know who he was and Justin was heard whispering, this is going to wreck the tour.

Now I've heard it's done wonders for the tour and the tour is starting to sell out. What I heard is the tickets have gone down to like $9 in like Pennsylvania and stuff. Really? Yeah, we need to align our news sources. I know, but what I will say is now I don't agree

with drink driving. God, not at all. I mean, you can't. You can't do it. But I'd gone off, I'd gone off Justin in a major way when I saw him in the handcuffs. Looked very well, didn't he? Looked saw him in the handcuffs looked very well didn't he looked very well in the handcuffs I could not agree more

it was that was my takeaway from that entire situation I couldn't believe it's like jeez he's looking great how does that change a person so much

when you see them being walked out of a jail by a policeman in handcuffs it's like yeah crime is hot criminals are hot criminals are hot

remember the mugshot criminal who turned into a model. It was a photo of him being walked out. He was wearing a very cool top, very cool jeans. And he looked kind of a bit broken.

I like my men a little bit broken. A bit broken, a bit drunk. I was like, bring it to me. I know. That's what I look.

And do you know what I respect about him? He didn't resist arrest. And I don't know if I got stung for DUI, I don't know if I would say the same. I'd say they need a SWAT team

to take me out I gotta they'd have to put the spikes on the road and all I'd be fucking gone I just thought but now there's the whole thing like

but the thing about Justin Timberlake what kind of would put me off remember they all were wearing those chastity rings I mean come on that wasn't for me he's a bit of a lad

he's a lad. He is a lad. But it made me think that he was really hot again. And I like... The chastity thing? No. Oh, the crime, of course.

The crime. And I thought, yeah, I could get on board with him. I don't think Justin Timberlake, I don't think things have ever been the same for him since he whipped out Janet Jackson's tit

at the Superbowl. I thought that was part of the thing. No one knows. I don't think, I don't think he did that thought that was part of the thing no one knows I don't think I don't think he did that that was meant to happen you don't think it was

I think it was meant to happen yeah so we think it was meant to happen and then she she kind of took the fall for it and he said nothing and it was all her fault

because obviously it was her tit he's kind of a wimp that's the one thing about him he's kind of a wimp and he'll let other people take the fall for him and when he lets people he let everyone have a go

of Britney and didn't try and protect her when they just oh god he was really have a go at Britney and didn't try and protect her when they just oh god he was really hot in that video as well though come on and then the whole obviously the Britney thing

but you know what it really made me laugh so basically everyone's waiting to see if Britney's kind of we love Britney but to see if she's

fucking copped what's going on we love her but you know has she noticed she's noticed because she's she's absolutely noticed

and you know she's obviously busy doing her dancing so she's like she's flying like dancing but there was a photo of her going from there was a photo taken by a pap

landing in some airport or something and it was like you know the way they always do this Brittany breaks her silence after First time she's been seen

since Justin's arrest Yeah and all she gave a shit about she was back and doing her dancing she was back in her vids because the photo that they took

she had it looked like she had cellulite in it and she never mentioned Justin she was back going I do not have cellulite and she was like showing us her legs

and I was like yeah your priorities are correct who cares what your ex is doing you don't want to be miscellulited no on the Daily Mail which is what happened to her

so that was Britney's priority which makes me love her even more and she just kept on dancing she just twirled out of camera that was it that's her take on it all but like that's her ex

from so long ago like surely she doesn't give a crap like I wouldn't really I wouldn't really care she rinsed him in her book oh yeah I suppose I suppose

she rinsed him well ticket sales for the Forget Tomorrow World Tour have increased by 300% I think you need to do a Winona

Joanne Vogue I listen I'm not one to fact check but I think they said it was down 300% no it's up 300%

and I had a plan for you in America just do a Winona sell everything that's a great idea Joanne's going on tour in America just do a Winona sell everything that's a great idea Joanne's going on tour in America but you don't need to know about it

until she starts stealing stuff and then you'll hear about the tour yes I'll go full shoplifting and I had a plan for us I'm going to reveal your tit at the live show in Toronto I would love that

get the magnifiers out well actually sorry you should reveal mine for any impact no get a nip out get a nip out no no no you're right we need an actual impact we need an actual human tit you reveal mine okay any impact no get a lip out get a lip out no no no you're right we need an actual impact

we need an actual human tit you reveal mine okay I'll reveal your tit we'll do it in Boston and it'll help I think kind of push the other shows along I agree I never thought about that

yes you do a tit I'll do a lip I just want to get a lip out lip out of course they look good between that and the shoplifting I'm telling you

there won't be a ticket left all tickets on my paper I might do a murder this goes to me.com I might do a murder ghostedme.com I might do a murder really tip the sails over the edge do a little murder

because we do need you on stage yeah yeah yeah you can't be going away for that long I'll do manslaughter not flat out murder so it'll be an accident

or whatever obviously when I saw Justin I went into the hole of celebrity mug shots. Yeah. Now, I have to tell you, my favourite mugshot of all time and people might not know this mugshot but basically when my sister Amber

gets out of the shower every single time I see her before she's brushed her hair she looks like Nick Nolte's mugshot. Yes, I agree. Doesn't she? Yeah, I haven't even seen

Nick Nolte's mugshot but I can tell you now that I know exactly where you're going with this. I have to show you it. I have never like she looks like Matt Damon most of the time when she's brushed the hair but when she

hasn't brushed the hair she's an ignotious mugshot and I'm going to fully admit it, like wait till you see this you'd be raging you'd be raging. Spits yeah, really really spits. It's a shame this isn't a visual it's a shame this isn't a visual platform no one could see that.

I know but people can Google it but Nick Nolte's mugshot was not good. Justin Bieber's mugshot very smiley good looking. Okay. Thrills that he had

a bit of bite to him. Yeah he's like look at me all hot and sexy and criminal. Didn't do the same for me as I did with Justin Timberlake. Did you see the show

that Justin was at because they're saying he's like I actually don't blame him like that man has been... come under a lot of scrutiny of late with all the Free Britney movies. And, like, of course...

Like, I mean, Jesus, we all drink. Like, if I was at his level, I wouldn't... There wouldn't be a time I'd be sober. Also, why is he driving himself? That's what I want to know. But you know that he was... Where's his private jet?

Where was he? You know someone tipped... They say he was a tip-off. Someone at the event tipped off the police ah stop that's terrible yeah it was obviously

one of the gays from the Free Britney movement but yeah well no it's not terrible because he should have been drunk driving should have been drunk I kind of am starting

to feel a tiny bit like I feel a bit sad for him the pylon of him and the pylon of JLo feels like it's a bit much any pylon at all Jesus another mugshot

that I really enjoyed was Hugh Grant's. Mainly because he was really scarlet in the mugshot because he was scarlet for what he was like. He looked embarrassed, you mean. He looked embarrassed. And he should have looked embarrassed.

Well, no, not necessarily. Anyway, he looked embarrassed. I don't know what you're talking about. He looked embarrassed because he had been done for soliciting sex. So some of them are like delighted like Paris Hilton, pretty

thrilled for herself. Tiger Woods isn't looking fantastic now but he did get in trouble when he was found asleep at the wheel. In Hugh's defence, I'm sorry everyone solicits sex even if you're not handing out her money. Like you're soliciting. I solicit, you solicit. Everyone's soliciting to some degree. I was

soliciting sex last night to be honest with you. Sex is like it's an exchange it's a commodity you know an exchange of fun oh my god I have to do gay animals okay

because you brought this up before about whether or not animals were considered homosexual well whether some animals I think I asked I think I was asking

about incest wasn't I but anyway like do older animals ride their kids? That's what I meant. Oh. Well, I haven't done any research on that.

Just in case, if and when David Attenborough passes, I am ready to go. Let the BBC know. I am ready to host all those nature programmes. Well, the only research I've done is... I feel like the obvious selection. Is around gay animals. Gay animals, yeah. That's what I thought you'd ask me about. I saw that and I was like, she will love that. selection is around gay animals. Gay animals, yeah.

That's what I thought you'd ask me about. I saw that and I was like, she will love that. I love a gay animal. Go on. I love the gays. It's pride as well.

Let's go. It is pride. This is our addition to pride. So they're supposedly under-reported by biologists. They just don't report the gay animals, which I think is actually

really homophobic. Is that, are the biologists being homophobic? Yeah. No. Yeah. Oh, come on. No, they're not. No, they couldn't. Like, I mean, Jesus Christ. was which I think is actually really homophobic is that are the biologists being homophobic yeah no yeah oh come on no they're not

no they couldn't like I mean Jesus Christ surely scientists can't be although what am I talking about

are they Christian biologists well I don't know but they're under they are under reported by them but now look at this right

Bertie don't think he's a gay man Winston has always had a vibe yeah he has Winston has a strut in his step yeah

and he just seems more flamboyant yeah I saw him with a bottle of poppers once did you stop it I saw him with a strap on

it was so weird yeah I saw him yeah yeah I saw him chewing on anal beads recently that's funny he had to have an operation

to have them removed recently I didn't know how they got there there you go happy pride Winnie he loves dressing up our Winnie he does Bertie doesn't like

putting on a coat Winnie won't put on anything loves her fur loves her fur yeah the gayest of all the animals supposedly are sheep

and 10% of rams won't mate with ewes they'll only try and mate with other rams no matter what you can do interesting some of them will be a bisexual ram some of them will't mate with ewes they'll only try and mate with other rams and no matter what you can do some of them will be a bisexual ram some of them will only mate with other now in fairness a ram is better looking than a ewe

I couldn't, now I can't say that I could tell them apart but I do know the rams have the huge horns. Yeah and the ewes don't I'd be more attracted to the horns. Okay yeah that's great, okay that's cool that's really that's you know I guess the rams are the most liberal of the animals. Well, what I will tell you,

penguins and Japanese mackay monkeys are the poster animals for same-sex couplings. Yeah, penguins are real loyal. I didn't know. More loyal than human men, from what I can tell. Well, that's lobsters as well. But lobsters, I don't know if they're gay or not. Penguins are like...

I need to fucking meet a penguin. That's what I need. Or, yeah, that's what I need or yeah that's what I need I need to find a dating app that just deals with exclusively with penguins buying a fish you couldn't do it

they'd reek they'd reek of fish I don't know if I'd have to ride the penguin I just mean for companionship like for example who am I going to go to Girls Aloud with

if I was seeing a penguin I know they'd be around well if you hadn't been such a loser and you decided to come to Glastonbury instead of pretending you had something else on

you could have come. Actually. Like Taylor Swift. Are 90% of giraffes gay? 100%. They don't have a sexual orientation. Whatever.

They don't care. And do you know what? They're like the younger generation. They're like, love is love. I'm attracted to the person not the body. When I was in Africa

very progressive I am telling you there were huge I don't know what you'd call a group of giraffes but there were big groups of giraffes they're all males

there were never females in the groups of giraffes the girls are probably out doing something together yeah necking the others are necking wrapping their necks around each other

so remember Chanel the Paris Chanel the Paris remember Chanel Chanel she's going to the parrot, yeah. Remember Chanel? Chanel? She's going to the canal. No, hold on. This is how I get into my Liverpudlian accent.

She's an African grey. A parrot? Yeah. Do you not remember Chanel? No. Oh my God, Google Chanel parrot African grey. I mean, I'll be saving

the next four minutes. I want to know what happened. So Chanel, she found Chanel. She got Chanel back Chanel she got Chanel back but now recently she landed herself into a bit of trouble she was

the moment went viral after losing her pet parrot has been found not guilty of drug offences after no evidence was offered against her she was charged after officers

from Merseyside police seized 237.67 kilograms of cannabis resin imported from Spain officers valued the seizure

at approximately 792,000 sterlo pounds I always say sterlo because it's obviously you know more money more money

Miss Hannah pleaded not guilty to the charges she was let go she was found not guilty Miss Hannah later posted a TikTok video of herself which said

I'm free just like Chanel going to the canal so sorry what happened with the drugs I don't know really I'd say Chanel

was lagging to try and get her trying to fucking rat her out Chanel that's why she had to get Chanel back because she was like

Chanel's gonna rat me out I told you that story about that time that my brother found a budgie and the budgie came into his house and basically he put it up on Facebook and someone that my brother found a budgie and the budgie came into his house

and basically he put it up on Facebook and someone was like that's my budgie and Frederick was like okay cool come and collect it and then they were like

oh would you mind keeping it till tomorrow like you can't just keep some birds yeah he was like no I don't want to keep your bird till tomorrow I have a real thing

about not having a bird in the house Jane and David are trying to get their Spenny's parents are trying to get Theodore and Gigi a bird just don't having a bird in the house Jane and David are trying to get their Spanish parents are trying to get Theodore and Gigi a bird

just don't want a bird in the house just think it would stink yeah no get a little horse or something get a little I feel I'm interested in you just get a gang of penguins for Joanne to come down

and hang out with oh that'd be nice a penguin in the garden come on lovely penguin in the garden a penguin when I move out when I move out

and I get a bigger place now I do have the ice bath already a penguin a penguin under the begola a penguin in the garden a penguin when I move out when I move out and I get a bigger place now I do have the ice bath already a penguin a penguin under the begola a penguin in the ice bath would be quite nice I went onto my TikTok hole again well it's on Instagram now

so they've copied TikTok I think where you just flick up and see all the the videos which I absolutely love and I have to really stop myself from sending you more of them because I love them so much

but I saw one where a teenager basically ripped off all the skin on her hand because she was trying to do a DIY like beauty trend. Okay. Which you and I would follow if we thought it would get

rid of an old wrinkle we would follow it. She put she put it's sugar wax so she basically melted sugar and water and it's basically

what inmates will use to scald each other in prison and she put it on her hand and scalded her whole hand off. Was she following beauty prison TikTok? Is that a thing? No! So where did she get this information from? She thought that it was meant to make your hands

Is she preparing to do hard time? If I thought it would make my hands look good I would have tried it myself. Set fire to yourself. Well, you wouldn't even know that it was going to happen. It's meant to just remove the top layer of skin. Oh my God. TikTok has a lot to answer for.

I love it. It's where I get all my information. But I'm telling you, I'm just saying, it also has a lot to answer for. Before we go, I have some American dates that I've added I'm basically in America

for all of October I'm going to like Denver and Portland and Seattle and I'm going to Texas that'll be fun you're getting your

cowboy boots I'm getting my cowboy boots and then I'm meeting you there we're doing New York and Boston for Ghosted Live and then we're going to Toronto

you the whole month in America that's amazing yeah and I'm going to be in New York for a week staying in Des Bishop's wardrobe

oh that's nice yeah thrilled I'm going to New York for a week I'm going to do no not a week five days yeah

five day show anyway our tickets Ghosted Live tickets for Boston, New York and Toronto are on our website mytherpesghostme.com and my tickets

for my live show in America are on my website joannmguysme.com and my tickets for my live show in America are on my website joannmcnaddy.com so between the jigs and the rails the jigs and the rails we're back in the South

thanks everyone for listening back in the Americas woohoo