My Therapist Ghosted Me - Cheap Dates, Child Stars & Mummy MOT

Episode Date: April 9, 2021

Get Vogue & Joanne's take on cheap dates, going Dutch, who should pay and when. They've also paid a visit to a postnatal examination clinic, despite the fact that Joanne hasn't had children and the results were surprising, to say the least. Subscribe, enjoy and leave a review!If you'd like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail]

Welcome to My Therapist Ghosted Me with me, Boag Williams and Siobhan McNally. It's the podcast that works on the basis of shouting your problems from the top of a mountain and hoping that somehow it makes you feel better. On this week's episode, mummy MOTs, shocking cheap date memories and some questionable relationship advice. I don't think it's questionable. Well, we haven't given it yet. Okay. So, I mean, it probably is going to be quite questionable

considering we both have an awful history with men. Wherever you look these days, it's a ton of advice about how to better yourself from people who don't know what the fuck they're talking about. Yeah, totally. The wellness industry is worth millions. So Joanne and I are going to have a go at seeing if we can help to solve your problems.

So, okay, so I put a little call out on my Insta for questions that people would like us to address. I mean, answer is probably a stretch. So I did a little shout out on Insta and I was like, girls, what can we help you with? Me and Vogue will kind of address some issues for you. So this one came in she's like hi I'm 33

I've met my boyfriend for five years and I'm mad about him he's really low key and I mentioned recently I'd love to get a bit of work done Botox etc but he says

he really doesn't want me to he doesn't want me looking like a cat should I respect his wishes well first of all you're not going to look like a cat this is what I said you're not going to look like a cat. It's not your first

go. You will eventually look like a cat, but we'll all look like cats at that stage, so I wouldn't worry about it. Cats are good looking. Cats are gorgeous. They are gorgeous. I don't have Botox at the moment, but I will certainly be delving into that pool. You can be sure of that. Oh yeah, I'll be going full force into a bag of syringes. Do you know that

lead thing that you used to put your hand in and all the needles? Oh yes, yes. I'll be putting my face do you know that do you know that lead thing that you used to put your hand in and all the needles you kind of oh yes yes I'd be putting my like that I'd put my face into that oh my god so I've got another thing

for us to try out it's called Morpheus it's meant to be one of the most painful things ever but on the plus side your whole skin tightens

and you look like like a cat yeah that's what I want I said it the other day I was like when this lockdown lifts I'm going to go in and get a facial so vicious,

I mightn't make it. I mightn't make it. I might die on the table. That's what I want. Supposedly this one is so bad that you mightn't be able to finish it, but you have to finish it

once you go in. I'm going to let you go first and then I'll go. Oh my God, are you saying I'm going to have to tap out of a facial if it's too much like a tattoo? But imagine how good

that's going to be. Oh my God, sign me up. Yes. Sign me and my, sign me up. Yes. Sign me and my hideous face up for everything. So what about it? Would you get Botox then if you're her?

Tell her. Sorry, this girl's probably looking for something more substantial like beauty comes from the inside out. I say get the fucking Botox. You're 33.

You're 33. Hit it up. You don't have a lot of time. It's time. Also, it's preventative. You should have been starting it at 25. Yeah, I'm'm gonna hit that

oh my god i have to tell you so somebody that we're friends with i saw on insta and i was like a boy and i was like they've got a black eye and then i remembered somebody else i knew who had a black eye from filler and then i asked hey what happened to your eye they tried to lie to me and i was like you got filler didn't you and i like, you got filler, didn't you? And I found out he got filler. Yeah, yeah. So even the lancet ran, filler under the eyes. At least you're not getting filler. You're only putting a bit of botulum.

You're only putting a bit of... It's only a bit of poison in the face. Yeah. What's the big deal? No, what I would say though is, and this is the thing, right? Just don't tell them what you're doing. They'll never know.

I was living with this girl. Again, we won't say her name because women are still flat out pretending we don't get Botox, even though none of my friends' faces have moved in like six years, but we're all denying it. Grant! I always think the test is, can you do the cat face

emoji or the bunny emoji on Instagram to raise your eyebrows to get the ears up? Oh, yeah, I can. I'm going to do it right now. Yeah, but you won't be able to do it next week. Two weeks, I'd say. Two weeks. That's what you need to say to stop women getting

cheap Botox in other countries and come back into the country. Make them try and do that rabbit emoji in customs. So I lived with this girl anyway. I came in one day and I was like, you look fucking unreal.

What's going on? She's like, nothing, nothing. I just knew cleanser. And she's like, you're just glowing of course once you skip a few she eventually admitted

she'd had Botox but I didn't I couldn't tell I just knew she looked amazing what's the other side then okay love yourself

love yourself from within and don't get Botox but I I'm a big believer in like lie to your boyfriend get it done and you'll probably be

maybe he doesn't want you to be too hot for him maybe he's threatened you'll just look fresh he'll say oh my god did you have a good night's sleep it done and you'll probably be maybe he doesn't want you to be too hot for him maybe he's threatened you'll just look fresh he'll say oh my god did you have a good night's sleep last night

and you'll say no yes actually yes say yes at that point lie to your boyfriend get the work done yeah that's all from me and Vogue

or don't what are we going to get done the Vicarious oh so this thing is called Morpheus 8 and it's like so it's this square thing it's got maybe 16 needles on it.

And it literally goes, at one part of your face. And there's probably a thousand of them. It happens to your face like a thousand times. But. Amazing. So I think we should go. We should probably take,

we'll get numbing cream for our face. And then Jo, you won't even recognise us the next time we come in. I'd like to be knocked. I want a facial that needs a general anaesthetic. Okay, well, you can get a facelift in a few years. Ah! I want a facial that needs a general anaesthetic okay well you can get a facelift in a few years I want a facelift so high

I have eyes in the back of my head and I have to wear sunglasses on the front and on the back your face looks unreal whatever you're doing babe you look great

wait till I have the viserious morpheus whatever so I kept obviously meeting people Whatever. So I kept obviously meeting people sometimes getting married and always breaking up.

I know. If you separate from Spano and get married you'd be three times married. I haven't been married once. Oh yeah. That's what Spani says. That's like his threat.

He was like if you ever divorce me and try and get married again that's really embarrassing. That's the third time. Have you heard of this thing called, what's your love language? No. Yeah.

Oh my God, it's such a, it's a thing. Go on, tell me. Everyone has a different love language, right? Someone asked me recently, what's your love language? I don't fucking know. Someone asked you that? Yeah, I was like, I don't know. I don't know.

I don't really, I don't really speak love language. What's that meant to mean? So basically some people, they're of service. Some people, their love language is that they like giving to mean? So basically some people they're of service. Some people their love language that they like giving things and being of service to someone. Someone else's love language is feeling supported.

Like there's everyone has a love language and you need to meet the person that matches your love. It's like gay men trying to meet match a top or a bottom. I love defunct men.

Like I a limp club foot. I like flaws but like not you like emotional flaws. I like emotional flaws but I need it to be so obvious I need it to be a physical flaw

so I know what I'm getting into but everyone has their flaws I like scars I love scars my last boyfriend had Satan tattooed on his chest

I mean if that's not a red flag I really don't know what is what? I went out with a guy and he had he had it's just gross he had tattoos

that were merging onto his face. And then he had, honestly, the worst chest tattoo I've ever seen in my life. And then he once sent me a picture of his woolly wonk. And I'm not a sender of news. Like, how would you take a vagina picture? Sorry, there's no, unless you're like front on and you just see the little cute face at the front. I'm not going under

and in there that's rotten well no that's what you send to your gynecologist I don't think they're looking for like an in-depth picture of your labia

sorry what face what face what do you mean what do you mean your vagina has a face the little line up the front is like facey I always thought it looked

like a purse anyway do's look like a purse yeah I always used to do it in Stanford like why won't they put money in it? Tight bastards.

Speaking of tight bastards. Oh, yes. Yes, Joanne. See what she did there? That wasn't even planned. No. So, cheap dates, right? This boyfriend created,

oh, it's just so awful. He created a spreadsheet, right? I'm going to tell you what happened. He, his girlfriend, he wanted to know how much his girlfriend owed him for a romantic weekend away, right? This is what the girlfriend posted. We've been dating a few months exclusively together for three weeks and this is our first weekend away together.

We're just going to a nearby town, one hour travel time, staying in an Airbnb and visiting one tourist attraction. Not an extravagant trip by any means. At the end of the weekend, he sent me a message explaining how he'd broken down the cost of the weekend so he could book the Airbnb transport tickets and tickets to the tourist attraction. He'd attached a spreadsheet

with our names on it, literally breaking down the cost of everything to the cent with the final add-up of everything telling me I owed him £122.54p. I mean, I'm all about paying my way. But like... I'm not. I hate paying

my way. It's like the worst part of feminism. I feel like I just fought for the right to go Dutch and it really pisses me off. I don't find paying for shit empowering. Do you? Do you like paying for shit? To be fair, I make... Spenny picks up most of the bills now

but like I think, I don't know, it depends how it's done, right? So if you invite someone out for dinner, you have to pay for them because you're like,

you come for dinner or like if you and I went out for dinner, we'd go Dutch or one of us would pick it up and then the other one would get the next one but imagine this,

a guy that like, he's trying to impress you, he's taking away on a romantic weekend only to throw an Excel spreadsheet at you. Isn't it so funny? Like, that's not the first time

I've heard of a woman being handed a receipt of like, costs accrued in a relationship. But I find that always with women that it's very telling

that a turn off for a woman is being made pay for shit and a turn off for a man is being assumed he'll pay for shit. I was on a date with a lad once. I think I scored him anyway.

But, I think I pretty much, I know I did. I was being coy there. A few drinks in, a few drinks in. A few drinks in. And I was like,

here, watch it. Like, I went to the bar. Like, we were at the bar. He wasn't saying anything. So I was like,

what'll you have? And he was like, oh no, no, no, I'll get my own, I'll get my own drinks. I was like,

oh here, come on now. Like, we're adults. Oh no, and you're on a date. We're on a date on a date I was like what you want oh I know this story go on and of course then he said a wine which meant I was like you know me I like a man who drinks bricks yeah and like cement I don't like a man who drinks wine although I have evolved now but it used to just Jesus Joanne is very picky yeah well it's just it was just more of a kind of inherent sexism I had, which I've now rid myself of because I'm woke.

But I would never use to touch a ladder drank as Salvin Young. You're definitely not woke. You're the opposite of woke. What do you mean the opposite? I'm very woke. I don't know if you're very,

you know, I don't think it's a good thing to be very woke. You can be too woke. I think you can be too woke. Oh, yeah. You can be woke to the point where you're just paralyzed,

you know, in your... Everything is an issue. Everything is wrong. You shouldn't... Like, there's even now, like, I'm like, I can't put that up even on Instagram because the woke people

will come after you. And they do. And this whole bullshit of trying to cancel people all the time pisses me off as well. It's like... This conversation makes me very nervous.

I'm like... Yeah, Joanne. Okay. I'm being pulled back. Okay, go on anyway. He had a whine. He had a whine. How many'm being pulled back okay go on anyway he had a wine he had a wine we've both been pulled back

yeah I'm the one who's meant to listen to the pod and say Joanne said this get it out get it out so he he orders wine and then he

he took out this like crumpled fiver out of his pocket and passed it to me he's like oh look I pay for my own drinks oh god I know

I know oh no! I know. Oh no! But so, whenever I hear bad date stories, it's always down to either impotency or money.

But although sometimes that's nerves, I find it's always very alarming. If you ask them and they say this never usually happens, it means it kind of

happens sometimes. You're like, okay, look, it's a bit like Russian roulette now. You don't know what you're going to get. But if you ask them, do you suffer with impotency? Does this happen often? And if they go, yeah, it does actually. It happens a bit. What do they call that thing? A splint. A splint or Viagra. Get a splint on the willy. Here we go. Talk about willies again. And we're going to talk about fannies soon. But anyway, I don't really know anything really bad. I remember I was in a relationship and that kind

of happened towards the end. And like that was really the end of that relationship. Yeah, but it's probably, no offense to you, but it's also probably, towards the end of a relationship, sex goes because they're easy to shag on someone else. From my experience. And that is the truth. Like, let's not pretend that's not the truth.

We're talking about cheapness, but do you know what? Cheapness amongst friends is really bad as well. Like, I have some cheap friends. Yeah. I remember one of my mates was actually borrowing my car. I'm actually, the person I'm talking about has asked me not to speak about them on either of my pods anymore. This is probably why.

It was borrowing my car. My car, right? And I came home and I was like, I took my car back and I was driving into town and I was like, oh God, the parking meter is on her account.

And I was like, here, will you pay for an hour and a half parking? I think it was like €3.20. €3.20. Asked me for the €3.20 back. I said, that's bad.

I know. But people just, like, it's like inherently it's in them. Yeah. You can't stop it. Yeah. I find with stop it. Yeah.

I find with men, I went out with, the richer they are sometimes, the tighter they are. So I went out with a lad once whose dad is like one of the richest men in Ireland, right? Which is, he was the only boy from my mother was ever concerned about me breaking up with. So like I'd ring her and she'd miss the call and she'd ring back and she'd be like, is everything okay with ****? Because he was loud and she obviously didn't think I'd amount to anything she'd be like, is everything okay with ****? Because he was loaded and she obviously didn't think I'd amount to anything.

She was like, I have to just kind of put her on this lad. But he was the one, he was driving around in some sort of Maserati machine thing, flying around town. Wouldn't put his hand

in his fucking pocket. No. I bought everything. Coffees, blah, blah, blah. Like dinner. He would buy dinner, but like we never really went for dinner. It was like he was assuming

I was going to take the piss out of him. Also, he'd park, I'd be like, where did you park? And he'd be like, oh, I parked in feckin' Kildare because it was euro cheaper than it was to park. Like unbelievable tightness. I just, but like from someone who has loads of money as well, it is weird, but I suppose that's why rich people are rich. Exactly.

Mind the pennies and the pounds will mind themselves. I know, but what a horrible way to live. And I don't mind if people can't afford it. But you know, I'm mouthing another friend. We've got a lot of scabby friends. Like, she will go and everyone will be doing a round.

It's like so far and it's so long ago. We'll be doing a round in a pub. And she'll go in on the round and get everyone to do buy drinks, buy drinks, and then she'll disappear from the round when it's her turn to buy drinks she will at all costs avoid doing her round but she'll take drinks off everyone else and i think that that's really scabby if you've got no cash just say oh listen i'm gonna stay out of this round so just don't be a scab but how do you let her away with that one of my mates gets away with loads one of my mates she was going she went she was seeing this guy and they were seeing each other still They're still kind of arsing each other on and off.

It's all very... What's arsing each other? They still kind of are seeing each other. Oh, I thought you said arsing. I was like, Jesus, I'm old. I don't know what arsing is. Use your imagination, Vogue. John, you're definitely into arsing.

Only when I think they're trying to leave me. Then I whip it out as my A card. I'm like, I love A and I'll come back. So anyway, she was seeing this guy and they're still kind of seeing each other and she won't mind me saying this. It is a toxic, it is Chernobyl level toxic. Anyway.

Oh no. I know, but all the signs are there. Their first date, they met in a pub for a pint and he brought in his own nagging. Oh God. A grown man. And he was like, just get me a Diet Coke. Oh no.

I was pouring it in. And I was like, just get me a Diet Coke. Oh, no. And I was pouring it in. And I was like, let's call her Rachel. I was like, Rachel, was that not your first sign? Says me. Like, I mean, I've walked into

like ridiculously obvious. I used to sneak vodka in bars. Do you remember? Do you remember back in the day when I was like 18? Yeah, when I was 11. No, 18. I still did.

I probably still did it when I was 20. It was so obvious as well. You'd be absolutely locked and then you'd be like, I was 20 it was so obvious as well you'd be absolutely locked and then you'd be like I'll just have a I'll just have a soda lime and then you'd be like

filling it up but like do you not think on your first day like yeah whatever made some lad go in here pay your way do you know what I did

notice though and this is why I think I'm actually kind of like a sex worker on some level if I go for dinner with a lad and I know I'm gonna

sleep with them and he goes I'll pay I'll be like yeah cool but if I go for dinner with a lad and I know I'm going to sleep with him and he goes, I'll pay. I'll be like, yeah, cool. But if I go for dinner with a lad and I know I'm not going to sleep with him and he goes, I'll pay. I'll be like, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'll insist on paying my way.

So I guess then if you break it down, the guy who's paying for dinner is paying me for sex. I think he can offer like a couple of times and then it's like, okay, you pay. How many, like as in how many times? Like twice, two, twice, maybe, maybe maybe three times it's always so awkward on first dates oh i hate that i haven't done very many first dates no the show oh fuck yeah when they're like

ah just pay like people on first dates like you're on telly just fucking pay ask her ask for the money back on the le outside but you pay in the restaurant. Welcome to My Therapist Ghosted Me with me, Bo Williams. I can't hear, sorry, I can't hear anything in this. Oh, for fuck's sake. Sorry. Okay, so that's it.

We've been ripped from that topic. Joe insists on five minutes a topic. Jesus, he's got us on a timer. Oh, sorry, we got ten there, so we're in trouble now. Go on, Joanne. What have you brought to the pod? So do you know what I'm bet into this week?

Oh, is it still your one that you're texting me about? You're still texting me about that one. Alice Evans. Yeah, from last week. Just to say now, I'm keeping a tight eye on Alice, right? I'm keeping a close eye on Alice because

I'm wondering, I'm like, Alice, do you want me to come around for a bottle of Merlot? Like, I'll be there in five. She, it's not about Alice, but now that you've brought Alice up,

let's have a quick chat about Alice. Alice is now reposting all the comments on the Daily Mail about her saying, like, kind of arguing and debating them.

Debating the comments on the Daily Mail and the general vibe is now I'm thinking maybe she needs to rein it in now. She's pulled back because she came back and apologised for saying that her kids were crying every day. Yeah, I think she's just, you know,

a lot of women just get divorced and they just kind of silently go into the dark, go into the night. Alice is fighting back. She's a maverick. I went into the dark and into the night. Yeah, but you want, you chose that divorce. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You didn't go into the dark and into the light. You went to the Alps, met someone else. Stop trying to make out you were licking your wound. Excuse me, I was single for a year.

Single, well, ish. Single-ish. Dating around. Yeah. Dating not enough enough by the way not enough I know I think I know I think everyone on their deathbed would say I wish I'd Joanne and I we did speak about this about our worldliness which is our sluttiness and we we haven't done a good job you still have time I know you have time to shine and to get yourself out there and to see a lot more Willys than I have seen.

Why don't you call it a Willy? Why do you say Willy? I know, you are obsessed with talking about them. You have got Willy-itis. You don't start talking about them. Willy-itis. They're so funny. So, it's not Alice I'm bad into this week.

It's other way around. Oh my God. You've also spoken. This is a weird obsession. Okay, go on. I'm bed into this week. It's other way around. Oh my God. You've also spoken. This is a weird obsession. Okay, go on. I'm so not interested in her. But she's everywhere at the moment. Like she's Demi Lovato

and her struggles with a dick. No Vogue. Shun. Not another dick story. Addiction. I saw your eyes, ears perk up there. No, we're not going to talk about addiction. Addiction, right?

So basically, Demi Lovato. Actually, it was quite, I did not know that she was like taking heroin and stuff. I know. So, I mean, the story is just absolutely awful and tragic and heartbreaking. And she's been in rehab. She first went into rehab when she was 18.

And then she got sober and then had a team around her where they just, every decision was made for her, every meal was chosen for her, someone made her exercise. She got sober. She's made a load of documentaries called like,

Strong and Complicated, Complicated Strong, I'm Stronger Now, Sober, Complicated, Complicated Sober. Like, it's just relentless, right? And in every documentary she's talking about how she's sober

and then when she does the next documentary she talks about how she wasn't sober in the last documentary and she was high. So now she's finally come out with another documentary called Dancing with the Devil

who the fuck where are these going these documentaries YouTube where I spend my whole life do you I never look at YouTube I fall asleep

listening I put documentaries this is my biggest life hack right now I know you fall asleep because you've got kids

I need something the Calm app I love that app don't mind the Calm app no got kids I need something more substantial the Calm app I love that app don't mind the Calm app no I'm telling you don't mind the Calm app put on

a documentary about space or ancient Rome no space scares me I don't want to do space and then you dream that you're there

so you direct like I spent all of last night in Pompeii had a ball you know what Do you direct? Like I spent all of last night in Pompeii. Had a ball. You know what? That's actually a really clever idea.

Yeah. But it is true because I don't like watching scary things before going to bed because I don't want to be murdered in my sleep. But sometimes... Not ideal. Oh my God, Pompeii. I'd love to go to Pompeii. Honestly. I actually think we should go to Pompeii.

Like actually go to Pompeii. I'd love to go to Pompeii. And. I actually think we should go to Pompeii, like actually go to Pompeii. I'd love to go to Pompeii. And Chernobyl. Yeah. I mean, yeah. I mean, no, I would love to go to Chernobyl, but like, I mean, Chernobyl's just full of dead dogs and shit now. No, it's like fully, right.

I watched this thing about Chernobyl, right? And there's these people, forget what they called them. Influencers. I saw them too. Yeah. They're going to try and take selfies in Chernobyl. Yeah, they go to Chernobyl and they try and stay the night and they try and stay the night

for like four or five days and then they sneak back out and they love it. Tourists or something they call it. And there's people like policing to try and get them to stay out because they're all like climbing all over

the old Ferris wheel. And then there's people that live like in the danger zone and they like, and the shopkeeper will only be allowed to stay in the shop and work there for two weeks

and then have to leave again. But there's like a whole community of people that live there and they're like, ah, fuck it, we want to live here. It's our house. So are they just kind of not interested in the radiation or is the radiation just depleted so much? It was with Ben Fogel, some show with him. They just don't care.

They're settlers and they want to live there. They don't care about what's happened. And there's levels that you can't stay long because of the the radiation but they just stay there and like I find it weird that like

it's so depressing it was all raining and shit it was just rotten like radioactive land but I want to go there

I was going to say can we not just go to Ibiza or something no I think it would be interesting to go to Chernobyl Chernobyl and Popeye

Popeye oh yeah we forgot about Demi Lovato. Demi Lovato. So Demi, anyway, she's having a nightmare. She's saying she's sober now. It's very hard to know whether she is or not,

but she's done that very kind of freeing thing that Britney did. She shaved her head. She's everywhere. She's kind of telling her story again. You know, it's one of these, I think with celebrities, they either say nothing

about themselves and they're all mysterious or we get every single they've realised that there's traction in their kind of human Oh a hundred percent

You get these very airbrushed personalities like Ariana Grande where you don't really know anything about or you get Demi where like she's fucking

showing you her tampons like do you know what I mean you just get everything But I find some people want to put shit out there because they're like, they actually, there's certain people I follow

that I'm actually friends with, but I'm like, you're not like that. You're simply saying that and doing that to get likes and to get traction. Of course. And it drives me off the wall.

I honestly, I have to mute them. I wonder how people, if they could find out if you've muted them. No, because I know that Instagram wants everyone to kind of stay friends. The worst thing Instagram ever did to me was get rid of, you know, find out if you've muted them. No, because I know that Instagram wants everyone to kind of stay friends.

The worst thing Instagram ever did to me was get rid of, you know that thing where you could see what people have liked? Oh, I still have that. No, you don't.

Yeah, I do. Likes. What? Instagram wouldn't, Instagram wouldn't do me like that. Oh, you can't see anyone's likes. No, you can't see anyone's likes. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You go in, you could literally see, I'm going to solve everything. You could see what people had liked. You know, the photos that they'd liked. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah, no. You go in, you could literally see, I know it's all very boring, you could see what people had liked. You know, the photos that they'd liked. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah, yeah. And what people had commented on.

The Demi thing fascinates me because when are we going to accept that if you put a child into show business, they are going to completely go off the rails and end up in rehab? I do not know a single child star.

Miley Cyrus is alright. Is she? No, she's not. She's been in and out of rehab, addiction, all that jazz. What about Justin Timberlake? Okay, yeah.

Fair enough. I think it's not a nice industry to get into at a young age. Look at that. Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay Lohan was a fashion model at three,

which I think it's a stretch. I don't think you're a fashion model at three. You're just a baby in a dress. Macaulay Culkin ended up divorcing his parents. Why would you, in all good faith, put your child... I am so lucky that my mother didn't even know,

like, had no interest. And any time I tap danced in the house, she was like, go to bed! Hadn't, didn't give a shit. No, Joanne. Go to bed! Even when I turned 33, she was like, Joanne, please, God, would you not go back and do nursing?

Like, no interest. Like, was desperately trying to rip me off the stage. And for that, I'm actually really grateful now. I don't think it's a real done thing in Ireland, though. Like, even my parents, like, I had to go to uni. I had to get a degree. I wasn't allowed, like, do what I wanted to do until I got the degree.

And then they, thank God for me. Not fair, but not. In Ireland, they just find it kind of embarrassing. Yeah. You're making a show with a family. Yeah. Get down off the table. Stop singing. Do that. Yeah. You're making a show with a family. Yeah. Get down off the table. Stop singing.

Don't do that. Yeah. I used to knock around to the neighbor's house and they'd open the door and I'd just start singing Tomorrow from Annie. Oh, jeez. We used to go carol singing around our estate as well. That's different.

That's traditional. Oh, we used to go... Are you saying that was the start of your showbiz career? Start of my showbiz career was carol singing. I used to do dancing. But like my mom, it was like I never existed. I was the third child born probably when my parents were thinking, let's break up now. But then they're like, let's have one more go. And then I came along and they're like, fuck, now we have to stay together. And then they just forgot about

me. There's no pictures of me. There's no evidence. Well, look, you've certainly turned that around. pictures of me there's no evidence well look you've certainly turned that around can you cartwheel no

what it takes months you can't cartwheel no why would I bother cartwheeling I'm a grown woman have you never cartwheeled when you're younger

are we recording now I don't know if I've shaved my armpits okay so we we mentioned earlier about mummy mot and i thought considering we spoke about dicks and willies so much that we should talk about fannies i go and do some weird things but like i've had two kids okay and you have to look after your pelvic your pelvic floor i can skip i can run i can do everything and i've had two kids, and I don't wee myself. So smug.

What a smug bitch. It is quite smug. But I went to see this mummy MOT, and that's why I did it. I sit in a chair, get my fanny zapped, and then Joanne was interested in coming. Can I tell the story, please? Okay, yeah, go on, go on. Joanne was not interested in coming. So consistent that Joanne, go.

You did actually three times try to get out of it. I said, I just feel my time would be better spent advancing my own career you were sitting on your arse at home I was writing a novella you did actually send three three different excuses in a row I was like no you're coming

I didn't want to go on my own I wanted a friend she's like come on just come for the crack little did I know the impact it was going to have on my own I wanted a friend she's like come on just come for the crack little did I know the impact it was going to have on my life so I'm sitting there

I walk in firstly I've fully waxed and shaved because when I said I'm getting she tells me I'm getting my vagina buzzed I assumed they were going to stick a rod in me or something

like a cattle rod so I'm there I've got alopecia from the eyebrows down ready for my day out in the fanny shop I go in folks sitting there

fully clothed in white like a vision. You look like J-Lo just sitting on the chair just going zzzz. The fanny shop. Zzzz. So Maria, the physio,

was like, oh Joanne, while you're just here, you know, killing time, why don't you sit on another one of the fanny machines? The testing machine.

The testing machine. And the thing with the testing machine is you clench your pelvis and then I'm doing it now. And the thing with the testing machine is you clench your pelvis. I'm doing it now. And the thing goes up. It has a screen in front and it goes up like a heartbeat.

You have to follow the line. You have to squeeze up and let it go down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right at that. I flatlined. So I'm on it anyway and I'm waiting for the... And Maria's like,

oh, so clench now, love? And I'm like, yeah, clenching. And she's like oh okay and you can see she's kind of looking at the back of the machine to see if it's plugged in she gets

she's like hop off there for a second hop off there so Maria gets on you know she's grand yeah fucking thing firing up

absolute precision boom boom boom boom boom Vogue's like let me in Vogue gets on once again she could fucking perform surgery with that vagina.

The precision was so intense. If you put a scalpel in it, she could do heart surgery. So I get back on. It's now very clear my vagina's dead. Defunct of sorts. So everyone's like, okay, don't worry. I'm sure it's fine. I'm sure it's fine.

Vogue's like, ah. Vogue bounces out with her perfect vagina. Maria's like, okay, we're going to have to start a serious course I'm now a regular patient of a mummy postnatal clinic having

never had a child but you know what what I will say to you is the fanny journey is never ending we will always as women have to do it

for the rest of our lives well I got given these have you been have you got the fanny tampons no you get these tampons right they're kind of like tampons and you put them

palviva you put them inside you you pull out the thing run to bed and lie down because you get such a fright and then it starts buzzing you for about half an hour

so you're getting your buzz on at home so get them to give you them the fanny tampons are you not worried that the next child it won't be able to get out of you you'll have it tightened up so much I wanted to get them to give you the fanny tampon. Are you not worried that the next child won't be able to get out of you? You'll have tightened up so much.

I wanted to get back to 100% of fanniness. But I'm operating at about 5% here. And I'm grand. Yours is not that bad. You don't wee yourself. Oh, actually,

did you say a wee story? I used to, as a kid. I used to laugh every time I laughed. But like, I think that a lot of the time when women laugh they wet them

like you were saying you wet yourself when you skip the aww yeah and do you know what actually I was on a run well this is the thing

it's a constant battle the pelvic floor I was on a run with Spenny and he never lets me stop running there's no breaks in the running

so I had to take a tissue out and I blew my nose as I was running and as I blew my nose I weed myself a bit so that was just that yeah that's blew my nose as I was running. As I blew my nose, I weeded myself a bit. Yeah. So that was just that. Yeah, that's life though. But like, I was really surprised with the, when I failed the mummy MOT because I went, during lockdown, I went to have a smear test, literally for something to do. And your one, the doctor was like, she put on a head torch.

I know, whatever. Anyway, it was a really embarrassing joke. Cover your ears. They are covered, okay. She was like, I can't get in. She was like, you're going to have to sit up on your fists. Oh, I always sit up on my fists. What? Why don't you? Not when I'm about to have sex,

but like when I go in. I think because when you're about to, because you know when you're about to get that like plastic thing shoved up you, that you're like, oh, your panny's like, no, no, no, no, no. I would thought it was because my hymen's grown back because I haven't been touched in a year.

She was like, when lockdown ends. She was like, I can't get in. And I was like, oh my God, I'm so tiny and tight. So I'm up on my knuckles, spread out like a ham sandwich. And she's there with the head torch

going in, like for a deep dive. And then she goes, I know you. No. She goes, you're that comedian. No. I was like, I hear. Could you, like, could you have chosen a more embarrassing moment?

I was like, I'm going to have you struck off. Oh my God, that's really bad. Anyway, whatever. The point was, I thought I had a teeny tiny, cute, teeny tiny, tic-tac-sized vagina. Then I got into the fucking mummy MOT thing. I'm loose open and now I'm a regular in there and they're trying to fix you're not hanging loose apparently I'm lopsided at least I can fix you so that's grand so you you're welcome thank you come and do more fun things that I get you involved in thank you we're gonna try and try out different things for our listeners actually like I wonder if I had a baby

I'd have to like hold it in there almost no oh my god you know what though with the second baby got no lid is basically the second baby like she was really far down i had to start stop running really early into it but one of my mates right had a baby then tried to have sex their husband again god knows why i'd be like don't touch me anyway i tried to have sex with her husband again God knows why I'd be like don't touch me anyway I tried to have sex with him again he couldn't

get in her he couldn't get in right and she knew her doctor and she went back to the doctor and she's like I can't get him in and the doctor was like oh yeah I gave you

a gentleman stitch she's like what she's like yeah I stitched you up smaller than you were before as in like you know you get stitched up after well not everybody

no the doctor gave her like an extra couple of stitches. It's called a gentleman's stitch. That's rotten. To give the man an extra sensation. Oh. I know.

And the woman, I guess. She's like, well, fucking take it out. And the woman. But like people are like obsessed with the fact like you hear different people saying, oh, your fanny must be huge because you've had kids. Like the baby's head is not sitting in the middle of your fanny for like for nine months.

It just, it comes out for a minute. I'm opening my legs while I'm doing this. You're so worked up. Who's been telling you your fanny's huge? No one's told me my fanny's huge. It feels like this is something you want to talk about. Excuse me, Flappy. That's all we've got time for this week.

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