My Therapist Ghosted Me - Christmas Parties, Pricey Wine & The Elf On The Shelf

Episode Date: December 9, 2022

The MTGM Christmas party is done and dusted, so there are a few stories to tell! Plus, 'Goblin mode', unexpected surveillance and Prada Peter's expensive antics! If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] is going on tour in Ireland & The UK! Remember to check the venue websites as well as Ticketmaster! For more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThank you!

This is a Global Player Original Podcast. Oh, I was kind of hoping you wouldn't get in there. Jo, just cut you on out there, okay? With me, Joanne McNally. This week on My Therapist Ghosted Me. I want to start this week by saying, Jo, you caused quite the stir online. Did he? He did? He did.

It's the leg brace it no wasn't even in the photo the leg brace wasn't in the photo they can they can see us

they can they know it's there that's why they can sense the weakness from the waist down yeah women aren't into that

I think the consensus is it's only because people assumed that I was old and revolting yeah which in fairness Jo whose fault is that yours you clearly sound old and revolting you Yeah. Which, in fairness, Jo,

whose fault is that? Yours. You clearly sound old and revolting. You need to work on that. You sound like you're from a farm in Devon. They didn't lick it off the stone, Jo, okay? You can't blame them.

Don't victim blame. What was that ad that we used to have from the people in Devon about some butter? Ew-er! And that's why we kind of just all think that, yeah.

I'm from Somerset. Somerset, exactly. There is a level of racism to you, Joe, but I mean, this is the world we live in now. People make assumptions.

But yeah, people are like, that's not how I thought. Do you know when you have a picture in your head of when you hear someone's voice and you don't know what they look like

and you kind of put a picture of, anyway, Joe, everyone's absolutely thrilled that you're not in bed. So fair play, Joe. Lots of words,

like spotty, bold, overweight, short, revolting. That's what your voice sounds like. Badly dressed. that you're not in bed so fair play to you lots of words like spotty bold overweight short revolting that's what your voice sounds like badly dressed

badly dressed we're like well that's true girls you can have badly dressed we'll give you that that is that's fair

fantastic hair he's a fantastic head of hair fantastic head of hair yeah I was so speaking of hair I was so hung over and this one of the. Yeah. I was so, speaking of hair, I was so hungover.

And this, one of the scariest things of, I was like a fucking machine. I never got hungover. When were you hungover? The day after our, we had our little Christmas night out. It was the double doubles.

I warned you. They didn't even want to give her a double double. Let's not say where we were because for legal reasons, they're not actually allowed to serve the size of the drink that I wanted. Well, they didn't. They brought it over in two.

Two goes. Because their standard drink is a double. But in Ireland, a measure is 45. In England, it's 35. So Joanne comes over and she's like, just like double double double

so that was a pride thing so what happened there was I was like I'll get a double because like I'm Irish I'm not going to drink your piss measurements and I actually drink

do you know what I mean I don't fanny around with cowpaw in the evenings so I said I'll have a double and Louisa Vogue's manager was out with us as well

and she went I'll have a double as well and then Vogue flagged responsibly as she does she goes actually the measurements

here are doubles anyway but we'd put our we'd kind of put it up to them then so we were like okay fuck it we'll go double we'll go double double

it was a principle it was pride it was ego anyway then they arrived over these pint glasses of vodka and an extra shot because they're like

legally we can't serve you the size we want a little chug, here's your cordial madam and then like threw in another bit of vodka, anyway one, two, skip a few I was properly hungover the next day the salpidine wasn't even doing anything, so I went for laser hair removal and for the first

time in my life I was looking forward to the pain of the hair removal to take away the pain in the head. And may I say, it did the trick. You weren't, you weren't like, you weren't hammered. I knew Louisa had had the double-double when she'd had the double-double, but I didn't know you did. But you also didn't like it. I saw your faces.

It was too much. It was a bit much. It wasn't great. There's a reason they don't do double-doubles. No one has a quadruple vodka with their fish dinner. Do you know what I mean? Like you're not doing it for the taste. You're on a mission.

I'll have a salmon macchi roll and a quadruple vodka, please. I know. We're like Philistines. It was like we were on a fucking stag party. Disgusting. Absolutely. Disgusting. Absolutely. Disgusting. Speaking of booze, one more story about booze.

Five more stories about booze. I really can't take this Christmas malark. Anyway, go on. We'll get into it. It's started already. So there's the town where Alan, a.k.a. Prada Peter, lives. There's a gorgeous family-owned wine shop in the town where Alan, aka Prada Peter, lives, there's a gorgeous, like kind of, you know, family owned wine shop

in the town. Do they know your first name? He's a fan of comedy, so actually, yes. It was in a professional capacity, FYI. Okay.

And I went, we went in anyway and Alan was like, you know, he was like you know he's like oh why don't you put he loved he loves talking to your man down there

I think it's we'll call him Derek he's like oh Derek we were in the shop Alan's playing Billy Big Balls he's like Derek would be great if you could

put together a couple of boxes like for me and Joanne for Christmas you know couple of wines couple of reds couple of wines couple of bottles of champagne

and Derek's like oh really like how many boxes he goes two boxes yeah two oh no sorry two boxes of Yeah, two. Oh no, sorry. Two boxes of 12. Two crates, so six. Twelve wines together. So a couple of reds, a couple of whites, you know, mix it up. And he was like, oh, what kind of thing? Anything you want,

anything you want. And I was like, are you, you're asking a sommelier to put together a box of wine? What the fuck are you doing? For Joanne as well, just give her the box of wine. Exactly. I was like, I'd go in the back of that shop and drink the piss out of the toilet. Like, why do I care? I would lick the petrol out of

a hubcap and put Alan's two in the hole. Like, oh, put together a box of Christmas wines. Anyway, your man fucking rings us and he's like, basically, it was like a grant. You know? And you start to back away to the counter pretty quickly and i

was like listen just put two oyster bays and a bottle of glens vodka in a box and we'll fucking take it home did i ever tell you the one time i tried to be a wine buff um so i was in san francisco i was over there in a j1 obviously I was like 18 like the people I was staying with they were much older so it was her 30th birthday and like we they stupidly invited us to the 30th birthday and so we got on there obviously when you're young like your booze isn't cheap so you just take whatever's there they started the day off at mimosas and can you imagine me and Amber at nine o'clock in the morning drinking mimosas cut to excitement of it the excitement of it cut to what's what are they called winery number two amber and i were so deranged we started doing roly-polies down the

hill of the of the wineries we got the whole party kicked out of a winery in San Francisco do you mean do you mean like a vineyard kind of thing yeah so like the it's up in a what's the place called it's a really fancy place

not where I belong got kicked out of the winery the whole group got kicked out of the winery we were absolutely blue bats yeah like

devil's water giving an 18 year old a mimosa do you know what I mean where where's that gonna where's that gonna end some of the weirdest shit blue bats. Yeah, like, devil's water. Giving an 18 year old a mimosa. Do you know what I mean? Where is that going to end? Some of the weirdest shit I've seen on tour is from women who

started the day with a mimosa and they're, not only they've had a blackout, they've had a complete personality transplant and they're violent,

aggressive monsters. Getting dragged out by their foot from your show. By a bouncer, yeah. They're like hurling pint glasses out of the balcony. They've gone full-blown Gallagher brother, getting dragged out by their foot from your show by a bouncer yeah they're like hurling pint glasses

over the balcony they're going full blown Gallagher brother like yeah but you say it about wine but I actually forgot about that moment

and honestly it changes you as a person you just like it's like your goblin is coming out it's just hideous oh my god

that's so weird that you just said goblin did you hear the word of the year yes it's goblin mode yeah well that is like to that you just said goblin did you hear the word of the year? Yes! It's goblin mode. Yeah well that is like to me that's what goblin mode means.

Sorry term of the year so I think they bring in I don't know is it one dictionary It's in the Oxford dictionary yeah. But there's another dictionary that brought it they were like gaslighting is the word of the year

apparently there's like a 17,000% increase on people looking up gaslighting but goblin mode was the term of the year i'd never heard it before goblin mode means when you basically just go into yourself for the day and you're you're you're your authentic sloth pig self that's not kind of what it means the term is defined as a type of behavior which is unapologetically self-indulgent lazy slovenly

or greedy typically in a way that rejects social norms or expectations basically it's when you turn into a goblin for the day i think for your own mental health it's important to do that first you can i just say thanks for googling that for us vogue i didn't you know what i actually had joe's job thank you excuse me you're all right joe have you lost your fucking fingers actually you know what i'll take it i've decided i'll take the credit for that even though it's completely not my credit. But I will tell you that. Goblin mode is basically self-care.

What you've just described there. It's important, especially around this time of year. If you haven't found yourself in goblin mode at least twice, it's the 10th of December, is it? It's the 6th of December, right? Come on! Find yourself in goblin mode. You have to.

Run the bath. Run the bath immediately. Get into it. Have a glass of wine. I'm pissing around bath water. Ultimate goblin mode. Just relax. Do you know, because you know when you get into the,

this is the problem getting into the bath, and I love getting into the bath. Once you lay yourself slowly into the bath, the warm water tingles the labia. Have you felt this? And you need to pee immediately no so I have to get out

of the bath I wee before the bath you see you're a pro right because you're like you're a probator I just kind of dip in and dip out so I'll get in

and the second I get in the warm water will tickle the base it'll tickle the lips Joe I don't know how else to say it yeah sure

the warm water it's like when you say when you say put your finger you know the parties if someone's asleep they put their finger in a glass of water to make them piss themselves anyway and then i have to get out of the bath immediately we and get back into the bath and it has crossed my mind several times like it's my water why am i bothering getting out do you know what i couldn't i couldn't i couldn't piss in my own bath i just i mean i drank my own piss but like i just i couldn't piss in my own bath. I just, I mean, I drank my own piss, but like, I just, I couldn't piss in my own bath. My mom, right, I'll say this

because she doesn't listen to this. She says, so like, she has a bath like all the time. So she'll have a bath and then she'll get out. And then my stepdad will get into her old bath. Oh my God. It's so disgusting. It's like something out of Angela's Ashes. What the fuck?

They have a tennis court. Why are they sharing bath water? It's like something out of Angela's ashes. What the fuck? They have a tennis court. Why are they sharing bath water? It's fucking weird. I didn't realise you came. Your mother was living in Victorian England. I just dribbled. Honestly, they'd nearly offer it to you after. It's like, you're okay, pal.

I think I'll own my own bath. offer it to you after. It's like, you're okay, pal. I think I want my own bath. She's like, Vogue just steps aside and she's got Dora there with like a huge

fucking vase of water just ready to refill and fill. Dora, get my shoulders, Dora. I got in the bath last night, right? I was in such a... Your mom is a fucking beast. Why not throw a couple of tea bags in it as well?

Get a fucking late night cup out of it. Jesus Christ. The one thing I will tell you about Sandra is she's not getting in the bath after Neil. It's Neil getting in after Sandra, you know? She has her rules. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I had a bath last night

and this always happens. I got home and I was you know when I wind myself up so like everything was delayed my train there was cancelled I rushed and made the earlier train then that got delayed then on the way home my train got cancelled then the other one was two hours

delayed while I was sitting on the train and the wifi wasn't working so I couldn't do my work and I honestly was sitting there and I was like how am I going to prevent myself from bursting into tears on this train or like combusting? And I got home and I was like, right, I'll get in the bath. Get her in the bath. And then Jill's side stopped the day off.

It was too hot. I had to get out. It was too hot. Oh, the water was too hot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you know, you're like, I'll be able for, I'm able for it. I'm not getting out. And then it's like.

Yeah, you're like, I'll power through.'m able for us I'm not getting out and then it's like Yeah you're like I'll power through like you could literally cook a carbonara in that thing. I'm not getting out. Can you hear him emptying the dishwasher?

Alan I'm so sorry for the clanging the mic's picking up the cutlery. Can you hear him emptying the dishwasher? Alan, I'm so sorry. The clang and the mic's picking up the cutlery. I'm so sorry. Tidy house, tidy mind.

Tidy house, tidy mind. Well, you know what? You know what? In this day and age, I'm very proud of Sandy, right? We'll all be sharing baths in this house.

This is the thing. She's sustainable. Maybe it's a kink thing. Maybe Sandra has a little wee in the bath. No, we're not. We're not going into that right now. No, no, no, no, no. It's not that.

And then Neil comes in and licks it like a cat. Like a cat eating milk out of a tray. You're absolutely... No, it's funny. He'll get into the bath, but she won't share a drink with him either. I think I got that off her where I don't share drinks with anyone.

Oh, well, at our Christmas party that Amber was invited to. Not by me, but anyway. Well, Amber invited herself. I was actually glad she did come because Joe dumped us early for the football match. We were having a little prank

in your dressing room, a.k.a. my new bedroom in which I no longer live in London. I have an inflatable mattress in your dressing room aka my new bedroom that I no longer live in London. I have an inflatable mattress in the dressing room. Excuse me, sorry,

the floor has gone down in the cinema room. Listen! It's yours. You can have a bath. Just go in there. Oh, keep the bath. Here come the kids.

Here come the gang. Sorry, you chose to record this, huh? Is Gigi about to boil herself to death? She's about to come over, look at her. Say hello to everyone. Come here. Hello. She hasn't seen who it is yet. I'm sure she'll take that back. song is Gigi about to boil herself to death she's about to come over look at her say hello to everyone

come here hello she hasn't seen who it is yet I'm sure she'll take that back hi Gigi hello oh yeah you can hear you can hear the sadness

in her voice when she's seen she's seen who's on the camera look Gigi it's auntie Joanne oh god hi Gigi she says hi Gigi

she looks amazing has she had her lips done she's been putting lips she had one male in the top lip she looks fab oh god had her lips done she's been putting lips she had one male in the top lip she looks fab I can't cheeky one male

bye Dr. Ewan says hello Gigi says you owe him two grand for last weekend don't know what you got done

but you look great I was only actually saying to these girls I went in as I was telling you I went into Assel to go and look at all in, as I was telling you, I went into Arsenal to go and look at all their bags and stuff

and they were kindly gifting me a bag and I went in and I was like, oh, you didn't invite Spencer because they'd invited Jamie and I was like, well, I don't blame you. He doesn't do any stories

and he went anyway to you and for a little refresh and all of a sudden I get a text and it's like, are you going to do that story for me? Like, because I went,

oh, oh, sorry, you're getting your own bits done and then telling me I have to do a story for it. Okay. What do you mean? I'm so confused. So I have to do stories for him cause he won't do them, but he wants to get the bits done. Of course he does. What is with, why, what is with Spencer and his fucking Kanye West attitude to, although

I'm not suggesting he's anti-Semitic, I don't know what you'll say. He follows no one. I thinkic I think I used to mind when you started calling me dictators and stuff like that I thought that's bad but don't call me that he literally only follows himself he's just like sucking himself off on Instagram he follows you

and pretty much himself by the way we should be so MTGM has an Instagram account now and again all we follow is we don't even follow Joe. Sorry, Joe. So, Joanne. Joe, you're not great online though. You know what I mean?

He's really not going to follow Joe. But my point is we need to kind of branch out and start following people. We look like absolute narcissists. Well, I will say that something you don't know, we both have access to said account. And Joanne, you followed a couple and I've gone in and unfollowed them. I thought, why is she doing that? I don't understand. We're only following each other. It's a work account. Who was I following? Style Magazine? Yeah that might have been one of them and someone else. Style Magazine is a group. I know yeah but like if you want to follow Style

Magazines follow them on your own bloody page. Do we have to put in requests to follow people? No, you didn't even notice your squand. I just do what I want when I go out there. To be honest. Do you know what? I'm actually really glad that you decided that we should do this subject because part of my week starts off about this subject. So I went to, as I said, it's the 6th of December. This is it on Friday. If you haven't gone full goblin mode by Friday, you got to sort yourself out. It's December. So I went to my first Christmas party. I went to the women in TV lunch and I'd never been invited before. And I was like, it's a Friday afternoon. Like, I don't want to go too wild because I'm going to go home by six.

Starts at 12. Jo, were you invited to the Women in TV lunch? I wasn't. Jo, were you invited to the Women in TV lunch? No, I was not. No, well, I was not either, Jo. Well, Joanne, excuse me. Give it to me this year, right?

I've been in TV. I was invited for the first time in my life this year and I have been really slogging away, okay? What do you think was the kind of the... I don't know what got me there in the end. Yeah, what got you there in the end? I was absolutely thrilled. Well, actually, do you know what?

My show Send Nudes got me there in the end because Elaine from Crack It invited me. This is exciting. It's like when Kim K finally got invited to the Met Gala. People were excited. That's how it felt. But I K finally got invited to the Met Gala people were excited that's how it felt but I got there and then I realised

I'm really over excited so I had a glass of champagne and then before I'd even finished that I was trying to find the person going around with the champagne and I was like

this is not going to end well anyway got to the table realised that I was at a table full of sound women like really cool up for a laugh.

And then it went. Who? Who were you with? Come on, name names. We had Discovery Channel there. We had ITV there. There was Lorraine there. I didn't see Lorraine actually.

Catherine Ryan was hosting it. And I mean, it was just, and there were men there. We're in that day and age. You've got to invite the men a little bit. So some of them went. But I mean it was just now there were men there we're in that day and age you've got to invite the men a little bit so some of them went but I mean I really am far down the pack in order haven't I

do you know what you want I wouldn't be a hundred percent sure I have my place marked for next year either especially after what happened this year I'm not I like to pride myself and be like you know I'm not I'm not a this is a business lunch yeah I hate myself well six like you know I'm not I'm not a this is a business lunch yeah I hate myself well six o'clock I heard you're all over the internet doing shots of tequila in your eyes

and around for your eyeballs I was in so I and at six o'clock in the evening and Louisa our manager came came to meet us thank god she came and then I actually sat down and I was like I can't even drink that drink I was so drunk that I had to go home at six o'clock in a taxi it's six o'clock in the day like as in yeah 4 p.m 5 p.m 6 p.m yes as in there's still like action happening at home like the kids are having their bath and I literally like luckily there was terrible traffic so I tumbled in the door just so they'd all gone to bed and um you are the biggest lightweight ever I'm pretty sure I counted my drinks as well and I think I had six but I didn't love the food it was like a beetroot salad and I don't like beetroot it tasted like mud

so I didn't I didn't really eat that much. But then the next day I woke up and as you said, you know when you wake up and you're like, there's no way I'm going to make it. I'm not going to make it. And I had to go

and do a book signing in Hamley's children's toy store. Unbelievable. I didn't hate it. I watched all this play out. I was like, she's, do you know when you're so,

and I could feel your pain when you're so hungover, you're like, just put me in one of those pods in Switzerland where they just put you in a pod and you press a button and evaporate yourself. And you would go to Hamleys with children. Well, I took T because I was like, I wouldn't mind the company. But I took T and we went an hour early and like watching him try and choose one toy in Hamleys. I kept having to like sit in on my hunkers and I was like,

all right, T, will we go sit down over there now? But I have to say they were very nice in Hamleys and actually, it actually cleared my hangover. The kids screamed it out of me. I saw you tagged me in one of my little quotes on the book there. I did actually. Excitingly violent is what I put in, but of course that's not what they went with. So that is the start

of Christmas season and Joanne you wanted to talk about I'm very embarrassed because my start of Christmas season was fucking Billy Big Balls

up there going down to that local wine shop fucking blowing a load of cash on wine Did you have to spend it? No it was so embarrassing it was so embarrassing. That was so embarrassing

because we were both like Look, you're asking a Sommelier It's like asking a Formula One driver to recommend a car. Yeah. He's not going to be like Do you want two bottles of Dada? Do you know what I mean?

He's going to be like This is what you need. This is what you want. Alan was like Throw a bottle A couple of bottles of champagne in his wallet. What the fuck?

Which champagne? Tommy P he didn't give specifics anyway and then the embarrassing thing was having to go

back and be like listen just give us two fucking two smearing off two smearing off ices please a West Coast cooler

yeah a couple of cans of West Coast KLA please a box of Marble Touch and a couple of scratch cards thank you

Joanne reason that's funny just take a selection the West Coast, Keanu, please. But currently, Breezer. Box of Marble Touch and a couple of scratch cards. Thank you. Joanne. Breezer, that's funny. Just take a selection box. Is that alright? Do you have any of them? That is literally what we would order. Oh yeah,

of course. A couple of scratch cards so that you can get back into the off-license if you win and buy more bits. 100%. It's called investment.

It's called being smart. You're being clever. Exactly. We're crypto brothers. I will say something about Smirnoff Ice. We're crypto brothers. I will say something about Smirnoff Ice. They're like, they've been lost

into the ether. I don't know where they've gone. There's not enough. They're floating around. I went to Derry the other day, yeah. Smirnoff Ice. Do you remember you used to put, do you remember you'd have

a bottle of Smirnoff Ice and you'd put the two straws on either side and you'd loop it over the edge and then you'd just, you'd have to knock it back in one. Do you remember that? No.

No? Okay. I wasn't dragged up like you Vogue I've got you're from Killarney I couldn't stop laughing do you know when you see something on the internet

just really tickles you DJ Fatoni passed this passed this thing he's like what was it taking your advent calendar

out with you on the weekend just in case you're out for a few days I just love that idea of being at a session and being like whoa whoa whoa hold on it's Monday

plucking open your little cardboard door popping your chocolate and getting back to the session Alan will you stop doing the course of control thing where you

empty the dishwasher Alan empty the dishwasher so that I can hear it with your fucking shady digs Joanne that's my porn let him empty the dishwasher I want to hear

oh yeah Alan get that bowl out of there that's porn herself she's like that's a butter knife clanging away oh my god he's lining them up

in order oh Jesus it's a coffee mug it's a coffee mug it's a coffee mug Christmas parties are good though I think we had a good Christmas party

I think we were well behaved we went to a lovely restaurant where they had jazz kind of music but it wasn't kind of jazz it was jazz

it was jazz no it's not we're getting around that that was obviously an accident on our part but anyway I was in I was having dinner

the other evening on my own in London as per or it actually wasn't it was lunch and there was a table beside me

do you know one of those offices where they're kind of like casually dressed it was maybe like 20 of them and they were sitting

at a long table in Rose's tie which is one of my favourite type of Oh I love Rose's tie I love the Rose's and it was What do you order there out of my favourite Thai places oh I love Rose's Thai and it was what do you order there

out of interest I can it would be like chicken and cashew nut or I would get the chicken papaya salad or oh the

pad thai vegetable rolls anyway go on anyway sorry and it was a table so I was about 20 at the moment and

they were at some sort of work party right it wasn't a party it was just like everyone from the office kind of obligation like this is our Christmas lunch

and a lot of them had like they were kind of smartly dressed but like a lot of nose piercings I'm guessing it was some sort of like potentially activism style office

if I was to make an eco office an eco office it was a bit it had a slightly eco vibe and I was like those poor fuckers. Because they're on these really long tables.

So the person you get stuck in front of, that's it. You're stuck with that person for two hours. There wasn't a single alcoholic beverage on the table. It just made me, I was like, I couldn't do it. I would just think I would just make my excuses and not go. I can't stand forced, forced networking. Forced festive networking networking it's the worst at least if you're going to put me through a Christmas

office party fill me with booze and put me in a room with ABBA on I can have a good time not that. Now I would like to go for the food you'd have to add booze but there's a way around it it's like driving in London it's very different to driving in Dublin you've got to be a little bit pushier so when you go

right don't let anyone out you're in, don't let anyone out. You're in London. Don't let anyone out. You're in London. But when you go, I'm joking, I do let people out. Oh my God, that'll be the next thing. Christ. Be very careful. Very careful. So like driving in London, you've got to be a little bit pushier. So when you're at your Christmas

party, like you know who you want to sit beside. Make sure it happens. Get a bit American football style, like ram people out of the way. Make sure you want to sit beside make sure it happens yeah get a bit american football style like ram people out of the way make sure you get to that person you need to be beside or else your night will be shit that's actually really good advice yeah elbow everyone in the face it's christmas get what you fucking want yeah you can just say it was the booze don't worry about it go goblin get your place at the table goblin mode you just be eating needles off the ground at the table. Go Goblin Mouth. Goblin Mouth.

You'd just be eating noodles off the ground under the table living your best life just smoking marble lights one after the other after the other. That'd be Christmas Goblin Mouth. Well that's later on in the night.

Singapore noodles off the floor with a smoke hanging out of your mouth. Perfect. I don't really get like if I'm invited like when you invited me to our Christmas party on Sunday I was thrilled about it. I never get invited to a if I'm invited like when you invited me to our Christmas party

on Sunday I was thrilled about it I never get invited to a Christmas party when I invited you to our Christmas party like our work one yeah I loved it

I really enjoyed myself I had a great time imagine I didn't imagine I didn't well I know that you were just she was test she was testing out

numbers at the start she thought Vogue there might be a spot for you I can't be 100% sure I was like Vogue this Christmas party is going to be lit okay

so numbers is an issue but I will put you on a list and let you know so glad I got through if Cheryl Kyle can't make it you will be next in line so I wanted to talk to you about do you know this elf on the shelf lad

do I know the elf on the shelf well I my elf yesterday was caught eating chocolate on the shelf lad do I know the elf on the shelf well I my elf yesterday was caught eating chocolate on the huge bar of chocolate

all over the all over the table who was now the elf the elf yeah so who's moving him around or whatever is it not like a huge

commitment to get up every day you only have to do it the night before so tonight my elf is going to be you know that thing ziplining my elf is going to be you know that thing ziplining

my elf is going to zipline across the kitchen so I'm going to get a big bow like a string and put it across the two light things and he's going to be

ziplining across the kitchen Is he training with John Belton? Why is he being so physical? Listen Joanne what else would you do with the elf? It's very hard

we're only on day six Well firstly I'm very curious to know where this elf and the shelf thing came from secondly I'd like to know about the gt gdp or issues around children's privacy they're being watched all the time with this fucking weirdo on the shelf also folk tell them what theodore did to the elf please oh okay so we one of my one of my things was I took the fairy off the top of the tree very carefully because I loved that fairy and she is delicate. And so I placed her on the ground and I popped the elf on the top of the tree.

Sorry, I'm looking to see they're not here. I popped the elf on the top of the tree. Theodore came over to me in the morning. He's like, Mama, Mama, the elf is on the top of the tree. I was like, wow. Oh, my goodness. Where's the fairy? He goes, well, Mama, he broke the arms off the fairy and i thought

did he no did he did he break the arms off the did he i said theodore the elf broke the arms did he he's like yeah nodding and i was like did you did you break the arms off fairy and he goes yeah so he had a half moment of thinking he was gonna lie about it and then i was like you break the arms off the fairy? And he goes, yeah. So he had a half moment of thinking he was going to lie about it. And then I was like, did you do that? Who was he blaming for, was he blaming Elf on the Shelf for breaking the arms off the fairy? I can't keep up. Yeah, so he said that the

elf broke the arms off the fairy. I know the elf didn't break the arms off the fairy because I placed that bitch on the ground. I knew that her arms were fully intact and he came up to me. And then all of a sudden about two hours later the other arm was gone and snapped in half

at the wrist. So now I've got three pieces of arm on my table and just a crappy looking fairy. If my child tried to blame Elf on the Shelf

for something I'd love to be like oh I'd love to freak the child out and be like okay well it's a liar on the fire and just fuck it

into the fire. I asked one of the girls I was like we're just fuck it into the fire I asked one of the girls I was like we're like bake the snake no I asked one of the girls I was like why do you do Elf on the Shelf

and she literally was like it's just cute and it rhymes and I was like it fucking rhymes would you not get lit to the tit every day that rhymes too

they absolutely love it so T runs into me at like 10 to 7 every morning and he's like the elf mama the elf and he tells me what the elf is doing and he absolutely loves it like and I mean

Spenny and I last night he just said we're going to have a competition with this elf now I'm taking tonight on board as well because I thought of the zip lining and one day I had the elf fishing and the thing about it is you say to them if you touch the elf he loses his magical powers and then he won't go back to Santa to tell him to give your

presents and if they misbehave in the haste it's like oh my god the elf is looking at you don't do that and do you know what else is still on the table the red robin so you say that i just saw the robin outside in the balcony and you're screaming at your sister and they stop full-on dead stop in their tracks and they just relax so it's a month of like free chill chill out it's a month of gaslighting your kids basically and I'm here for it yeah pretty much so

that's exactly what happens I'm sad we didn't have the elf on the shelf I actually misunderstood the story when you told me the story originally I thought

Theodore had pulled the arms off the elf and I was like that is really concerning because the elf is basically like elf

like Santa is God for kids it's kind of all seeing all knowing and if Theodore is pulling the arms off Santa's representation on earth and why is he nailing Jesus to the cross I was like that is something

to be very concerned about your child is you're raising Judas in your own home I was like that's fucking weird but now that's only the fairy I was like oh grand alright grand I can look's only the fairy I was like oh right right I can look him in the eye

when we took Theodore to the church for the christening which you wouldn't know because you weren't there but when we went into the church Theodore was like

he saw Jesus nailed to the cross and he was like is that the queen I was like shut up in front of the priest he'll know that you

and I was like no it's holy God and he goes who's? I was like shut up in front of the priest he'll know that you and I was like no it's holy God and he goes who's God? I was like who's God? Why are you bothering christening these kids?

Like they say clearly you're not they're not religious at all. Joanne do you know how much money they make on their communion?

Oh God. I'm not going to get into the listen They're not religious at all. Joanne, do you know how much money they make on their communion? I'm not going to get into the... Listen, anyway. Look, decisions were made. That's why I didn't go. I said to you, it was a protest. It was political. It wasn't that I was getting Botox and the time ran over.

It was a political statement on my part because I knew it's all a fraud. She keeps changing her story, Jo. I thought she was in the pub around the corner having a glass of wine. Now she's still, her Botox run over. Which I know didn't happen because I actually asked you and I was like, what time did Joanne leave you at, Ewan?

He was like, plenty of time, plenty of time. Plenty of time for the christening. Oh, and carrying on the theme of surveillance. So basically, the videos you get, it's just so... So dodgy. It's not dodgy. It's just so Joanne.

So we film each other doing the podcast. We're on this thing called... With consent. With consent. With consent. On Zencastr. Anyway, Jo, you continue the story of what happened after last week's. Now, we'd had a couple of drinks last week.

I thought I was going to get arrested. I popped on on Friday morning to get hold of the videos. I thought, oh, I'll quickly download them, make some videos. And usually you open it up and it's just all the videos are there and it's all shut down otherwise but it looked like it was live and then suddenly it was live and it's live on joanne's bed and she's just there asleep asleep basically what happened was i after we finished recording the pod i shut down the laptop and i didn't she closed it I just she just closed the lid

she didn't shut anything down she closed the lid I didn't click out of Zencaster so then basically I was live streaming myself for I don't know days

for about three days and do you know what Jo you were lucky you didn't open that and she was like pawing away at herself looking at Tuky Kamoon

because that's what she does on the daily Jo you're lucky you're lucky you didn't you're lucky you didn't click in seveny Camoon, because that's what she does on the daily. Jo, you're lucky you didn't, you're lucky you didn't click in seven minutes earlier, because I was. That's why she was sleeping, Jo. She was wrecked.

I was wrecked. I'd wanked myself for hours, Jo. I was, there wasn't, I'd burnt the skin off my, I've no fingerprints left. I was wanked for so long. I just thought, this is it. Oh, well, this is how it ends.

This is, this is it. You're fired. Prison. I was squirrelling away at myself yeah burnt the fingerprints off myself

no clip left and he texts a group and he was like like obviously because you don't seem like you're being voyeuristic but Joanne gave him every opportunity

and you know what like after being away with you and Ibiza and I walked in and you had a laptop on one side open playing something and the iPad on your side table playing something else. I was like, there's something not right with this girl.

I have to open all the time. And I wouldn't mind, but Alan works in cyber security, right? He's doing a great job of it with you. Well, he kept saying he bought me one of these things, like these little l little lids that you put in your camera and he was like you need to fucking start using these things people are kind of hacking in I was like oh you're so paranoid no one needed to hack in I fucking live streamed myself and I wouldn't mind but the camera the light was on the camera and I was like oh look the light's on didn't put the didn't put the pieces together I so wish it had been at like another time when

you were doing something like that you really shouldn't have been doing do you know what actually do you know what actually joke do you know what actually I'd rather you clicked in to me having a go at myself while watching golden girls or something then it then the most embarrassing if you clicked in with me doing a self-tape auditioning for a show that actually would have been more embarrassing have you ever done one of them Vogue? they're the most humiliating experience

I stopped doing them I just said to Rick I was like listen if I get offered something I get offered it I'm not doing those self-tapes anymore they're so humiliating no there's certain things in life

that it's just like I just I can't like it's like dancing for me I'm not doing it anymore don't ask me I'm not dancing no one's going to ask you no's gonna trust me no one's gonna ask you anymore I tell you what I used to I used to do this deaf show and when I did it like I was actually up there

this week and I had a great time because it wasn't dancing day they used to have a day where you'd have to dance and like they put on music and you'd have to literally be like and just like the starting would be on tv all of it and I'd be like please I just don't want to dance stop it's just it's like it's like it's like

it's cruel it's like Ellen do you remember Ellen used to get her guests to dance on it's like what the fuck are you doing I'm going to say something

about Ellen she's not a great dancer herself I think of all the things to say about Ellen I think that's the least we're fucking worried about oh yeah you're welcome Ellen

not a great dancer sometimes she fucking... She treated me like a piece of shit. I'm doing it for slave labor. And another thing, she's a shit dancer. Yeah, Ellen, take that. It's offensive.

I'm sorry, all the listeners. We are going to... We're doing... Right, next week, we're doing right next week we're starting on dating it's cheating as well it's the cheat it's cheating stories

same thing dating cheating exactly the same thing because we've got some really good stories and I've got a really good story of my own you do

we want to in other news story of the week Leo Varadkar who is our tea shock I don't know what's happened here so you're going to have to explain it to me In other news, story of the week, Leo Varadkar, who is our Taoiseach. I don't know what's happened here, so you're going to have to explain it to me.

So Leo, who we're a big, I'm a big fan of. I'm a big fan of Leo. And do you know what, he's about to go back in. He's about, Micheál Martin's getting the boot again

and Leo's going back in. Yeah. So politically, Jo, we rotate our prime ministers, we've two, because both parties

kind of both won and blah blah blah we just kind of spin them around now like a spice rack and then one gets in and one gets out whatever

it's kind of cute actually I think it's a good idea everyone gets a go sharing not a slippery Susan what's that pink lazy Susan lazy Susan

slippery Susan our political system is based on a slippery season is how it works so Leo's about to slip back in Miho's about to slip out

anyway Leo is gay he's married and Leo was he's married he's married Leo was filmed scoring a lad

in Mother which is one of the gay clubs in town in Dublin so he was so anyway and this

absolute snake like put the film to him and put it up online people are such shitebags

like what are you getting out of that don't do that to people you're Ireland's you're officially Ireland's biggest gi bag you are a gi bag

and it's me you're the biggest gi bag in Ireland since Bob Geldof got knighted you're the biggest gi bag you are a gi bag and it's me you're the biggest gi bag in Ireland since Bob Geldof got knighted you're the new gi bag don't speak about

Bob like I saw him in Battersea Park I told you that I'm this close to going over and saying hello to him

and asking how he got in there I love a bit of Bob I'm just saying like what I like actually is firstly

look I don't mean to make general assumptions but she says about to make a general assumption. What I would say is, he's in a gay club, he's a gay man

married to another man. I would assume, considering it's Leo Varadkar and obviously he has the profile that he has, that if he's in a closed relationship, he's not going to be

scoring some lad in a club. So we can probably safely assume that they're open, half open, a slip open, a fucking cat flap in the marriage where they can flap around do whatever also even if they're not sometimes mistakes happen it doesn't mean you have to broadcast them everywhere like it's a really shitty thing to do to invade like

you're invading someone's privacy when i score colin farrell the next time I'm in Dublin. If one of you guys dares post about that, like, I won't be happy, okay? When I rode Ronan Keating, do you know how long it took me to get that? To get that video offline. Do you know how long that took me? Yeah, exactly. And if I want to slip my tongue in Bono's ear again,

just stop it. Stop before you start, okay? A hundred percent. When I went down to Lewis Capaldi Inn. In the King's Inn in Clapham Common. I can tell you now it was, it was quite the sight to behold. And I did it knowing that I was amongst France.

Surely there, where's the legislation here? If I want to be a slag worm in the privacy of my own life i will do it politicians are not eunuchs they have genitals also this goes on in all political spheres and i would actually rather have a gay t-shirt he's having a fucking good time and mother and no surprise of a pint than some owl lad who's sure look at look at bill clinton the oval office is built on semen fucking like it probably used to have corners and they rode them off it now it's oval

Bill Clinton loved an old ball tickle he loved a ball tickle he did don't hate him for it I don't give a shit if Leo Varacker crawls into his house at home

climbs into a fish tank and makes slow love to his goldfish if he's doing a good job no no no not right that's bestiality you can't do that

bestiality bestiality whatever well it's not it's a fish they don't count my point is chicken and fish don't count to joanne i've never seen someone up in court for riding a salmon that's all i'm saying have you no it's usually a horse do you know how hard wild salmon are to come by i thought you're gonna say do you know how hard a salmon can get and i was like no Vogue actually I'm very relieved to say

I don't have you seen have you seen the size of an erection a cod can get you on no you haven't because you haven't fucking lived

okay my point is Duran's very sexually attracted to sperm whales he could go home I don't care what he does in the privacy of his own home or the

I don't care what he does in the privacy of a club of a gay club in town I'm a fan in the middle of a townhouse. Or I don't care what he does in the privacy of a club, a gay club in town. In the middle of absolutely everyone. Some of the worst people in the world make terrible decisions because they're sexually frustrated.

I want politicians who are very satisfied and relaxed. So if that means that our Taoiseach is in a fucking gangbang it's brilliant it means it's going to make better decisions for the country I firmly believe that

the only thing I will say about that is that Leon Martin needs to get stuck in if I don't see his car keys and a giant fucking bell on the door I'll be very upset

and actually do you know what I applaud Leo okay I find it quite arising yeah so do I and Leo as well.

When you and I do that at another later stage, I don't want it to be spoken about. I don't care what our politicians do. If I like someone, I like someone. Mary Lou McDonald's probably gone home. She's probably wanking off a partner

in her spare time. We just don't know because she's doing it in the privacy of her own home. We don't fucking know. Allegedly. Allegedly. Jo, be careful there now.

Just check this in our stories about Mary Lou McDonnell and Wanker North Park just so we know. Don't step on anyone's toes. Lots to chat about and don't forget if you haven't gone out

and got... Lots to think about there I think, folks. Do you? There's a whole lot of things to think about there, okay? Lots to think about. I'm just going to say this comes out on to think about there okay and if you I'm just going to say this

comes out on the 9th of December and if you haven't gone and gobbled yourself you want to sort that out

right it might not come out for legal reasons but if it does come out Mary Lou I want you to

know parrots repeat what they hear so just be careful okay parrots can talk

okay see you next week okay bye see you next week