My Therapist Ghosted Me - Death & Taxes

Episode Date: November 24, 2023

Freshly returned from their Australian tour, Vogue & Joanne are straight back into it. On the agenda: Surprising new trends, why it's not worth working and meat on planes...If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] review Global's Privacy Policy: global.com/legal/privacy-policy/For merch, tour dates and more visit: www.mytherapistghostedme.com/For more information about Joanne's gigs, visit www.joannemcnally.comThis episode contains explicit language and adult themes that may not be suitable for all listeners.Thank you!

This is a Global Player Original Podcast. Hello and welcome to My Therapist Ghosted Me with me, Vogue Williams and Joanne McNally. We're back. We are back, baby. And I'm actually really excited to be back. I'm excited too. I'm turned on. I'm so excited. You are.

You look a bit gooey there, all right. I am. Thrilled. Someone said to me the other day, they're like, your face looks so gooey. And I was like, excuse me? And they're like, sorry, no, what's the other thing? I was like, gooey. No one wants a gooey face.

No, you don't want a gooey you definitely want a dewy though you do look dew again today yeah it's I'm wearing high it's highlighter like come on it's fake news I couldn't find my highlighter today so I am not I've got quite I've got I've got quite a dry face actually a lot of the time so I was outside there with Spenny he drove me in earlier to get here to you and we're doing our pod next but I was outside there with Spenny. He drove me in earlier to get here to you. And we're doing our pod next. But I'm outside there with him. And I was like, ew, you've got snots on your trousers. Like joking.

And he was like, oh yeah, that's from my breathing exercise. He has a full on, like it's not just, it's like it's all over the ankle. He was like, I've got a cold. And I'm like, and you just snotted on yourself and left it there. Have you seen this breathing stuff he's been doing? No. Why is he dressed like Sporty Spice? That's seen this breathing stuff he's been doing? No. Why is he dressed like Sporty Spice? That's my jacket and he won't stop wearing it.

It's amazing. It's amazing. And he was like, but we share things. And I was like, but it's not sharing because I don't get to wear it. It's just you wearing it and it's mine. Yeah. But anyway, he's been doing this breathing stuff. You have to watch it.

He was like, will you reshare that video for me? And I was like, I can't. I can't reshare can't I can't reshare it unless I can slag you explain the breathing is he just it's more than normal breathing it's special breathing so there's special breathing he's into all this kind of stuff now the ice bath at the breathing and there was like and he's just after showing me his um his app his fasting app so he's like he said he comes in last night and he's like, brilliant, didn't eat all day. And I was like, what? He's like, I'm

doing this fasting thing. Fasting. Suppose if you fast until a certain level, until 14 hours, then your body starts eating the bad stuff in your body like cancerous cells and stuff. Your kidneys and your liver. I think he's going down the Jay Shetty

route or something just a bit bite marks out of your womb and stuff look I wish I had that sort of discipline because I know that fasting

apparently is really good for your body however as someone who has only recently learnt how to enjoy eating again I just don't think

it's a healthy route for me so I'm going to avoid I don't think it's the right road for you definitely no that would be the road less travelled for driving. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Suddenly you're back in a soft room with the back to front jacket on. I'm Jay Shetty. I'm not mentally ill. I'm a guru. I think for me, I just don't think,

I think some people are more like able for that. I can't wake up and not eat. I wake up and I feel sick. I woke up at quarter to six this morning and I was like, I actually felt faint. And like, I'd only eaten my dinner the night before, but like, I'd spent so long asleep, not eating that I feel sick when I wake up. Also, I think it's, I think it's what your body's used to. Like, obviously, I'm not a dietician. Do you know what I mean? But surely for me, like, I get it.

It's great. They do say fasting, you eventually kind of reach some sort of mental epiphany where your brain becomes completely clear and suddenly you can do pseudoscience and solve really long mathematical problems. But I just love eating in the morning. I'm not prepared to give that up. I love eating. To be smarter. I'd rather just stay at the intelligence level I am. I'd rather have no epiphanies and have a breakfast. I just feel right.

I go out every so often and kick the absolute shit out of myself with booze. I will inject stuff into my face. Like there's no point in me fasting. It's just, it doesn't make sense. It's like I'm just mean to myself. I don't need that much mental clarity. I don't need that much mental clarity I don't have

that much going on up there I like it to be nicely fogged I like the foggy brain that's what I was gonna say the fuzzy brain like the jet lag brain is like it's kind of nice that you just don't really know what's going on I've realized I've been doing a lot recently and I've noticed that there's something about being really present in the moment that I just don't enjoy so like I don't I don't chase clarity I don't chase mental presence I just don't well because I'm a bit bonkers about certain things like for instance today I was driving in and I stopped and I was looking at Big Ben about certain things like for instance today I was driving in and I stopped and I was looking at Big Ben and I was like one day I'll never look at that again because I'll be dead and I started thinking about things like that where if I see a really nice view

somewhere I'm like great I'm not gonna see that again when I die that's it I'm like I get really worried so I'm like I'm trying to like swallow it all with my eyes so I don't miss it. I actually think that's a great way to start the day. Okay, on death's door. Yeah, well, just the realization that you're not going to be around for much longer, but Big Ben will always be there, but you won't. Big Ben might have like even changed appearance by then because he's just been done up. By the time he gets done up again, I'll be dead.

I don't know. It's for all the things to kind of soak up on your bucket list. I don't know if I'd put Big Ben on it. Would your children? Well, he wasn't. He wasn't, but I feel like I paid towards his appearance with my taxes, so I should enjoy him. Would it not be more like, oh, one day I won't be here to watch Gigi grow up rather than one day I won't be here to watch Big Ben hit midday. No. Anyway, look, your life is your life. So we love Shakira. We loved her whole...

There's two reasons we love Shakira. So we loved the whole thing when she basically got shafted by her ex and she kind of just didn't take it lying down. She really went out for it. And I kind of really enjoyed that. And we're going to be talking about somebody else we love for that later. But Shakira has just been done

for some serious tax fraud. I know. Who would have thought? So is she, I don't, you know, I just, I just, I was just scrolling through and I saw it. I didn't read the deets. Is she guilty or is she not guilty?

She's guilty. It's been going on years and years and years and now she's actually, so she was meant to be going to prison. They always catch you in the end.

Like, look at OJ Simpson. Gets away with murder. Yeah. And then he gets sent to prison for tax fraud. Same with Wesley Snipes. Yeah. That's why I didn't get

any more of those movies I like. The tax men seem to be better detectives than detective men because you could be a mass murderer and get away with it. But if you've evaded tax, good luck to you. You're going down. You're doing a hard time eventually.

It's the one thing that like I love rules, just so I love sticking by rules. So like I'm just like here take my money. Like it's just one of those. The two of the the two things in life tax the two definitions tax and death I'm not going back to that that's it they're the two things but I will say my father got away with paying no tax because he didn't give a shit I'm pretty sure his whole life he never paid a penny in tax and he's dead now so there's nothing you can do about it because he has paid the ultimate price and that's why I'm not seeing him

because he didn't pay tax I wouldn't be surprised if the revenue hear this and dig him up to see if there's any jewellery on him that he was buried with to see if they could

flog it down a pawn shop to get their money's worth I swear to God I did bury him with 20 euro for a pint they'll probably take that I wouldn't tell I wouldn't

I'd cut that out they'll be out there with a spade where is he where is he I'll go down myself shaking him out for cash in the pockets

did you put a cigarette in with him that's about 3 euro or in Australia 20 grand I did 20 grand for a packet of cigarettes in Australia

not that we would know because we don't smoke we wouldn't know but just the general chat 25 or 60 dollars well I went into a shop just as a tester I wasn't smoking them now But we would know because we don't smoke. We wouldn't know but just the general chat. $25 or $60. Well, I went into a shop just as a tester. I wasn't smoking them now.

I just get a kick out of ordering them. Do you get me? I just love buying them and then putting them in a drawer as a collector's item. I went into a shop in

Malbes, Melbourne in the city centre and Did she just say Malbes? Malbes. I'm sorry. What the hell? Keep it strong the hell i don't know what i'm so embarrassed sorry about that um cut that joke i went in and i said uh box of marigolds please sir and again

like i said no intention of lightness i just like absolutely not you know yourself Why would you set money on fire? He said He said $60 And I said Put them back in that shelf You absolute fucking chancer I said I'm reporting you That's laundering Like there's no

Anyway Robin you're blind I said no I paid $5 for a Fanta Over there $5 No but it's That's only £2.50

Mum I know Now this is That's the thing that happened. We'll talk about Australia after, but that is what happened to me in Australia. I felt like everything was on sale. So I lost my fucking mind. Because, Jo, Vogue heard that you get the VAT back on clothes.

So, well, my God. She was like, reverse the truck into PE Nation. It's free! PE Nation Nation it's free everything's free and then PE Nation were having this 30% off sale even Spencer who I was fighting with at the time I was like fuck it I'll take the whole men's section

go on sad news about that fatback and also by the way it works on phones so what you have to do is so I strolled into the place with all my receipts and she's like you have to have the items so I can see them and I was like oh for fuck's sake so if you would have walked in with your phone and the receipt you would have gotten like 400 dollars back what this is why I'm glad I don't know what VAT is because it just takes me I just don't I just don't I don't want that disappointment of going in thinking I'm getting it back I don't know what it is and it's

just better that way I wish I had a noun because I went in there and I looked like a fool an absolute fool and then it made sense to me I was like actually okay because like anyone could just bring in whatever receipts they want and if you don't show them then it doesn't make sense it's very tired in Australia you know you did you really went for it over there didn't you I absolutely I don't know how I got

everything back I thought it was all free but it was free she thought it was pound land she was just gone wild in there Jo sorry I didn't say hello

sorry just to give a bit of context, I'm zooming in from Irlanda and Vogue is in the studio in London. Hello, mate. Missed you. Missed you, Joe. I wouldn't say he did miss us, to be honest with you. Well, he didn't say you.

Did you miss us? No, I did. He said me, Vogue. He didn't say us. Shakira, let me tell you, she is fined. This is an extra fine on top of other things.

Imagine being fined. 6.4 million. If I got fined £6.40, I'd be raging. 6.4 million pounds sterling as well. So that's double in Australia.

So, you know. Is that because, so I think she, so she paid the fine or went to prison. Is that it? She was going to get a three-year prison term, but she basically was fined 6.4 million on top of her already there tax bill, which was 15 million. But saying that, she must be absolutely loaded.

If she's got a tax bill of 15 million, what does that mean she's making, Jo? 100 million? 100 million. I don't know, I just made that up. she's making Joe 100 million 100 million I don't know I just made that up

I just made that up well I usually usually I find tax very boring but yesterday I paid my tax bill

and I took to the bed for the day the feeling went from my legs I collapsed on the ground

and then I had to be scooped up and laid out like in a coffin for the day while the shock took me. And now. She said to me, she said, she said to me, she was like, why would you leave the house?

Yeah. Why did I bother? Why did I bother working at all? I've been taken. Why did I fucking stand the stage? Why bother? Why? As I said to Vogue, why do we bother leaving the house?

What is the point? And now I have a real interest in where my tax is going. what is the point and now I've a real interest in where my tax is going if RTU tried to make one of those toy show musicals again

for a couple of million I won't be impressed now I want to know where every fucking penny's going I want to know every pothole in the road I want it fixed that's how I feel

when I do drive on the road and I'm like why the hell have they not fixed this shithole I've just they've taken all my money where has it gone I nearly vomited

when I saw what they took off me I money where has it gone I nearly vomited when I saw what they took off me I swear to God there's do you know what I now want to ring Bono and see how he did it you won't see me now

whatever they did whatever they did they did a fantastic job Shakira I'll do the prison time no Shakira you don't I do the prison time

for the money anyone who's ever evaded tax I want their accountant's details too sweet because I'm not going through this again for the money. Anyone who's ever evaded tax, I want their accountant's details. Too sweet. Because I'm not going through this again. I'll take the public flogging. Let's move to Monaco.

Now I know why they live there. It's a bit boring, but I don't care because in Monaco, you pay for fuck all. And do you know what? I've never seen a cleaner city with better streets.

You'd never catch a pothole in Monaco. No way. Few pothole people, but never catch a pothole in Monaco. No way. Few pothole people, but there's no potholes in the ground. I'll just set up on a raft in the Indian Ocean. I don't know. There has to be something better. What's that offshore, Caince? Where do they go?

What are those places called? What are those offshore places called? Cayman Islands. The Cayman Islands. Let's send it to the Cayman Islands. Yeah. I'm going to wire my money there that's what they do

in the old days they wire things you won't be able to reach me I'll just go off the grid you'll have to ring me on a tin can on a string I'm going to start

washing my money I don't even know what washing your money means but look I've got a fantastic washing machine I'm going to start washing all my money start washing your money

wash the tax office it's what all those gelato shops are doing because I don't know how they're staying open until 2am. There's something going on there. Click clack, Johan.

Click clack. Do you ever see some shops and I'm like, that's a washing of the laundry money. That is what that is. You have a shop on Oxford Street

that sells only chupa chups and you're open 24-7. Sure. I was going to talk a bit about Australia. Not too much because we haven't discussed it, actually. We're only back. I feel like we've discussed it, but we actually haven't.

We had the best time in Australia. It is such a cool country. And I actually, I'll be honest with you, I didn't really like it the last time I lived there. And that was different circumstances as to why I was living there. But I actually didn't enjoy my time there. And when I was there this time, I just loved it so much. It's every city so different as well.

Yeah. Like Sydney. I'd love to drag Ireland besides Sydney. So like I could happily still have Ireland, but also have Sydney. Yeah. Sydney's stunning. The only problem is it's just a bit far away. And we had a lovely tour manager Kylie who basically looked after us

so well. I had to come back and learn how to like start doing stuff for myself again like we'd sit there and we wouldn't even look when our flight was. Kylie would just tell us was that not the nicest feeling? Now I know how Spencer feels in the airport all the time. Here's Benny we've got to go check in. Here's your boarding pass. I'm his Kylie.

Sorry Val I know you're talking about Australia but I'm just in the middle of DMing Leo Varadkar to find out where the fuck my money's going and what's he going to do with it. I want, I want to blow by blow going to where everybody's going.

I'm actually, I'm going to text him and tell him to take a pay cook because I'm not fucking dealing with this shit anymore. Yeah, and I can tell you, thank God.

Do you know what, I wouldn't mind, I haven't even been invited to the Oireachtas house. Never been there. I contacted Ryan Turbiddy directly and asked for that money back. Suddenly now I'm invested

in the Ryan Turbiddy scandal. I'm like, what actually? Hold on, hold on. What did you get? Put it back. I'm going to each out and Ryan, we love you. Did you see Ryan got a job over here?

I know! Ryan Tuberdy, who we've spoken about before because there was a bit of a hoo-ha last year about fees and salaries and stuff. He announced it when I was in Australia

and I was absolutely deranged. I've been drinking, obviously. And I left just one of those really embarrassing comments under the post and I forgot about it. And then I saw about it written in the sun and I was like, this is why I the post and then I saw like and I forgot about it and then I saw about it written in the sun

and I was like this is why I don't drink and like it wasn't that bad it could have been a lot worse could have been a lot worse definitely but it was just really

it was crazy it wasn't and I am going to go on the piss with him yeah we love Ryan so we were in Australia it was amazing we had a great time the rooms were incredible

we just we absolutely loved the gigs Joanne did a gig in the rooms were incredible we just we absolutely loved the gigs Joanne did a gig in the Sydney Opera House I did and I I was kindly invited

to the gig but I was told in advance that I was going to a gala oh my god yes and because I don't because I don't work in comedy

I assumed the gala was a dressy gala where people wore dressy clothes and I showed up like a fucking bride the day before her wedding. I'll send you a picture of the dress. I was thrilled at myself. I was like, this is perfect for the gala. And I showed up like a bride in heels and a dress and

everybody else was in t-shirts and runners. I've never felt like such a competition. else was in t-shirts and runners i've never felt like such a competition it was the outfit was gorgeous but pho came in backstage and uh after the show and she was dressed up like like a dog's dinner show like a dog's dinner gorgeous kind of crocheted lace white dress a gala in comedy a gala in comedy just means like loads of people on the bill. Really, from what I know. But yeah, because she comes from the higher echelons of society. She was like,

oh, a gala. A gala, darling. I won't accept that. I'm being thrown. Listen, Spenny's the posh one, okay? I'm not, I'm not as posh

as Spenny. A gala means something different to you. Because you're a gala gal. That dress I was wearing to the gala, I could have worn that for breakfast

with Spencer's family and nobody would have battened around it that's how dressy we get with them but it was I never usually feel like that

but I was like why am I here in this dress and I had just gotten my period and I was wearing this tiny short white dress

and I was like well I have nothing else to wear to the gala I had jeans I had runners I could have worn those to the gala I know for next time yeah I thought I couldn't have stuck out more it was stunning but it was gap because you I assumed it was funny the opera house inside the opera house it looks like it's 50 years old this year it's real 80s on the inside

I thought it was going to be one huge room, but it's not. It's five smaller rooms within the kind of peaks and troughs of the opera house. But it was amazing. It was amazing to walk around inside it, wasn't it? But it was the inside was certainly not as stunning

as the outside. By the outside, it looks like the inside is going to be Tony Stark's house from that movie. What's he called again? Iron Man. You think it's going to be this, but it's not because it's just like the normal inside a building.

You know who I went to see there before? Jon Bon Jovi. Did you? Brilliant. Or maybe it was Brian Adams, actually. They're very similar. Very similar, yeah.

They actually are. Or was it Daniel Day-Lewis? It was Vin Diesel I saw. It was Vin Diesel. The inside of the Sydney Opera House looks like a college library. But it was so cool because there's a ballet show on.

There's all these like ballerinas kind of eating their lunch in the canteen and all. It was very cool. I'm glad I got to experience that. So thank you for Just for a Laugh, Sydney, for having me. And to the Irish who came to the show.

And thanks for having me. I really enjoyed who came to the shows and thanks for having me I really enjoyed the gala yeah I was like oh Vogue's on her way to Cheltenham what's happening here sorry Vogue I didn't realise

you were at the races today and I bought I didn't know what to wear for the gala and I was because there was one of them was

recorded for Channel 10 I think it is so I was up to Hyde about what to wear for the gala and I was because there was one of them was on recorded for um channel 10 I think it is so I was up to hide out about what to wear and I was running around city and you know the thing when you when you don't need to buy anything everything's amazing and you want everything when you have to buy something there's nothing there anyway I ended up buying this pink leather shirt which I loved I was like this is perfect amazing it did look amazing I gave it to Kylie on when we left because she really liked it and I was like you have that Kylie because I love you and also why else and why else it doesn't fit my suitcase but there was another reason this is why I gave it to Kylie but I didn't realize so I was I was wearing it backstage I was getting

ready I was chatting chatting away to the other comedians and I was like what is that smell I didn't realise that vegan leather if it hasn't been aired smells exactly like a fish okay so I am now exactly like a fish

exactly like a fish I mean there's no denying it smells like a fish even I was making everyone smell it then because it's like that thing

when you know it's like when you know you have a huge spot and you can see people when you're talking to people you're like look I know I have a huge spot just I'm just kind of addressing the elephant in the room so Kylie was taking all these like she's really good with the BTS the behind the scenes videos and stuff and all it is is me walking up to people hugging them going sorry I smell like a fish sorry did you smell like a fish I'm holding my shirt up to

make them smell it it was gross and people And people were... You have to though. You have to. You're like, I want you to know I smell like a fish. Yeah. Rather than... You knew you smelled like a mackerel and you just told them you smelled like a mackerel. And it was particularly in the neck area of the thing.

So if they hugged you, it would have been like, Jesus. Exactly. It was the inside. So you could see... I didn't want to just watch their nostrils flare in and out without... Because I was like, I know what you're smelling it is a fish and yes it is me

in Australia it was one of us was walking the streets of Australia without the other and we bumped into someone who listened to the pod they were like could you ask us where the other one was

I was like oh she's in my pocket I want to ask you a question hit me have you thrown the bra out of course not neither neither I've actually packed it for Belfast we have every time we in Vogue yeah we're getting changed in the dressing room we had these gross bras that were like curling up at the sides and stuff

curling over hanging together yeah they were like the top of the bra around the cup it was like a lip frowning forward

and we kept going do we have to throw these the second we get home now we're throwing these bras out these bras have to go like it's time to just

just invest in something fresh and sexy my bra I think I'm wearing it now actually fits like an owl glove my one doesn't even stay down every time I do anything it just starts riding up

towards my neck and I know I just don't have the tits to fill it but like still some of them stay in place the reason I don't want to get rid of it is because it's one of the ones like

like poor Spenny I look great when when I'm in it with them pushed up and everything but as soon as I take it off it's just like because it's so heavy is it so crazy how huge your boobs were when you were pregnant and breastfeeding compared to now they were huge they enormous. Little pecs I have now. I don't mind my pecs. Is it milk or is it fat? It's milk. But you know what? Small tits are in fashion sometimes. Sorry, Vogue.

Everyone loves a disco tit. A little disco tip. A little pop with a nip. You're very 70s Paris chic. They were just smoking. No bra. Little titties just kind of sitting up winking i feel like little titties are back in now whereas when i was growing up and everyone was getting tits and i was just

like staring down at my toes because there was nothing in the way of yeah i just saw toes like and and people used to be like like the boys would come up to me and they'd be like crumbs crumbs and wipe their jumper and i'd be like what are they crumbs, and wipe their jumpers. And I'd be like, what are they doing? I know! Boys are so mean. They're so mean. Like, Spenny has bigger tits than me. He does at this stage. Yeah, well,

all I'll say is I love a disco tit. I think they look fab. There's very little maintenance in them. You're just kind of, you can rock all those little sexy crop tank tops

without a big fat bra strap on your shoulder. Like a sack. I can kind of go without even a bra. I don't really need one. If I'm being honest, I should just wear a cami top these days. I don't need the bra. It's a great look. It's very Kate Moss.

Yeah. I remember when we were younger and the girls who developed really quickly, I felt a bit sorry for them because they were getting what I would have thought was kind of unwanted attention because their brains were still quite young but their bodies I would have killed for a tit

when I was younger I would have killed for a tit no I was glad I didn't have any tits when I was young and especially with Amber Amber had no tits as well like we were the same

the same person and then all of a sudden have you seen the size of hers hers are like monstrous she's like a sexy playboy model yeah her boobs are the same person and then all of a sudden have you seen the size of hers? Hers are like monstrous. She's like a sexy playboy model.

Yeah. Her boobs are incredible. I know a girl who got a reduction. Really? She hated them. Yeah. She said she hated them

and I think there was I think there was a self-consciousness there. She said they gave her a lot of unwanted attention. Yeah. Well there's that but they can also

really hurt your back and your shoulders. Yeah. Like there's loads it's the one operation because i did um a couple of plastic surgery shows it's the one operation with nearly a hundred percent like success rate and people being really happy with the results because like it was so painful before that like even with scars and stuff they're just thrilled well neither of us are in a position that we need that but you have a good anyway a nice size a nice lesser titties anyway yeah okay that we need that but you have a good tits you have a nice size lesser titties anyway

okay that's it that's it on the boob chat but will I tell you what else has come back in fashion which I cannot believe my little panda eyes about

go on so the new fashion trend is tired eyes you know the way I look like I've been punched all the time if I have no concealer on

it's just a thing people are now colouring in to have dark circles. I swear to God, Jo. Joanne, you saw it. It's a TikTok trend. You found the trend.

But it is sexy. I've always thought your eyes were kind of sexy the way you look like you've been punched. I like that. I like that look. I don't know what that says about me, but I do like it.

It's kind of tired. It's very heroin chic. Yeah, I look exhausted. Like for't know what that says about me, but I do like it. It's kind of tired. It's very heroin chic. Yeah, I look exhausted. Like for the amount of times I've had, I remember the nuns used to, because I had nuns in school, they'd come up to me and they would ask me

if something was happening at home because like I would just like, it just, it used to go across my nose as well. They thought I'd been punched. Really? I said, no, Sister Mary. I think it just adds character you just look kind of

moody and like you've been through something emotional I like it I know and do you know what for everyone people are always

trying to send me things that I can get done to my eyes and I'm like I actually don't want to it doesn't bother me that much now some days I'll pop the concealer on

if I'm just going out the door because I don't want to frighten people after seeing that TikTok trend I'm not doing it people are actually drawing bags't want to frighten people. After seeing that TikTok trend, I'm not doing it. People are actually drawing bags under their eyes. I've always thought the black under your eyes

brings out the brown in your eyes. That's a nice way of putting it. Anyway, we love the beauty industry because it's absolutely insane. So we're glad that they have decided your eyes are in fashion. Now you can be confident in your skin. Do you know what else is in fashion

that I'm about to try out later? I've done it once before, right? I'm hoping it's cellulite on your ass because I am fucking on trend. I am hot to trot.

Or a varicose vein on your ankle. Is that in fashion? Because I have loads of them. If you get panda eyes, if your eyes are back in fashion, I have loads of them if you get panda eyes if your eyes are back in fashion

I should get something as well and it should be my webbed feet are they on the catwalk everyone loves your webbed feet

and that's why you swim so fast and a fungal nail infection because Veruca's are back girls I actually though

there's a shop in Chelsea called the Cellulite Slayer and I nearly like I just love the name but I nearly go in but when I was in Cudgie there was this girl in the shop

and she was just in her bikini buying something and her arse there was not because I've never like I just assume everyone has it they don't there was not one bit of cellulite and I couldn't stop staring at her ar like, I just assume everyone has it. They don't.

There was not one bit of cellulite. I couldn't stop staring at her ass and I knew I was doing it. I just, I was like, I just so fascinated that somebody would have no cellulite in their ass. Well, either she's squatting every day or she's got good genes. Or did I ever, did I tell you about the time I went into Hooters in Canada? No. When I was in Toronto. So I stayed after the Prosecco tour for a couple of days went back

to Toronto and we went it was the only place we could get a drink and we went in me and my friend Laura went into Hooters they do a great wing in there well we didn't eat now we only drank but I I I knew because Catherine Ryan worked in Hooters before and she loved it so I was like this I'm allowed to go in here now because it's you know know what I mean? Like this isn't an act of internalized misogyny. I just want a drink. So I went in. Oh my God. Now, I might be wrong.

I'm assuming they've had a bit of work done because these, the ass, this is a very ass and tit episode, but their boobs were unreal but their asses oh my god they were perfection like perfection to the point where I was

you know when you're like that's just that's just not what a natural ass looks like unless you're literally squatting

night and day and day and night and you're not because you have a job in Hooters so you don't have time to squat night and day and day. But what was so funny. Some people just get that ass, I think. I'm sorry.

I just don't. I think we're, I think even we buy into it now. Well, who's doing it? What are they doing? How are they getting it? I want it. They're getting, apparently it's the most dangerous procedure you can get. It's the opposite of a tip reduction.

The BBL, it's the most dangerous procedure you can get it's the opposite of it a tit reduction the BBL it's the most dangerous procedure you can get one in three thousand people die when they get it because basically they inject it back in and there's a vein in your auris

and if they hit that vein it goes directly to your heart and you're dead they can't like that's it it's not it only gets worse but these were

but it was so funny because there was loads of men drinking me and Laura women and obviously we didn't give off a strong lesbian vibe that night But it was so funny because there was loads of men drinking. Me and Laura are women. And obviously we didn't give off a strong lesbian vibe that night because the girls, they were like giving the men the drinks and like working for the tips.

And they practically threw the drink at us. Couldn't give a shit. I was like, there you go. Yeah. And I was like, hey, where's the sass here? Yeah. But yeah, I've never seen asses like it. Like perfect. I'm sick of pumping the air in the gym. where's the sass here? Yeah. But yeah, I've never seen asses like it. Like,

perfect. I'm sick of humping the air in the gym. Get me nowhere. That's, it's, it's our destiny. It's our fate. We just need to accept it.

I'm going to go into that cellulite slayer and see what happens there. It's flat and it's lumpy. And that's how God intended us to be. Do you know what though? Some angles, it doesn't look flat. And like,

they're the angles that I just want everyone to see of my arse. But once I'm just not, like, once they doesn't look flat and like they're the angles that I just want everyone to see of my arse but once I'm just not like once they don't look at me from the side it doesn't look flat. I just love when someone

could just iron my arse and just kind of smooth it out a little bit and then just kind of lift it a bit you know. Ha ha.

Just lift it a bit. Lift it just to the lower back just lift it up to those little marks in your lower back and like I'll do 20 squats a week And think

Why is my ass not perfect I'm actually gonna get I'm gonna create an invention I'm gonna get like Straps for the ass Where you basically wear them Over your shoulder And it just lifts your arse up

And it makes it look The way you want it They exist It's those gym leggings That the young girls wear You see these gym leggings And they kind of Cup the ass And they Lift it leggings and they kind of cup the ass

and they lift it. They're like spats for the ass I guess. That's another that's kind of like a beauty trend as well by the way because we were talking

about beauty trends and that kind of is one. The ass is really having a moment. I'll tell you what the ass is all I've got because I just don't the top half

I just don't have so I have to work on the ass. I can't have no ass and no tits. I have to have one. I have to have one. You have to have one. It's the way life works. Oh, we just need to say one thing.

Sorry, Jo. We want to say thank you so much to the Irish Podcast Awards. We won an award. We won the Spotlight Award. And we're very happy about it. Yeah, because sadly, we had won an English one first,

which was quite the bone of contention. Maybe they heard I don't pay to pay tax to Ireland anymore. Maybe they know we're on the way out. So that's why they didn't give us one until now. Did you see as well, sorry, you were talking about spanks there. Have you ever seen those spanks with the little holes? So you just leave them on and you just do a wee with your spanks on? No.

Yeah. And did you see the nipple bra that we're obviously going to buy? The Kim Kardashian Skims nipple bra that has a nipple on it. I honestly thought that was a joke. It's not. And I don't know why, but I want one. I want a nipple bra. I just think that would look really sexy or something. I don't need to pinch my nipples the whole time. Nipples are sexy because you look aroused and we want, basically, we're just pathetic animals who want men to think we're sexy

at all times well do you know who has a great nip Amanda Holden has a great nip have you ever noticed that great nips does she always see her nips

in the pictures I'm like how does she get those nips all the time she's probably icing them down like everything's fake we're basically living in a simulation nips included

fair enough but I'm still getting us that nipple bra I'm going to get you one for Christmas happy Christmas so when I was coming back through Dublin airport from Australia I was in a simulation. Nips included. Fair enough, but I'm still getting us that nipple bra. I'm going to get you one for Christmas. Happy Christmas. So when I was coming back through Dublin airport

from Australia, I was, there was this sign talking about not bringing pork into farms. Anyway, some African swine flu, which I mean,

it was just a cute photo of a pig really. But I was thinking, I post on Insta and I was like, like who is getting off a plane with a bag of raw meat

and just heading to a farm and just kind of scouring around? who's doing that anyway turns out everyone is the amount of people who got in touch with me like and then it just about people who got in touch with me who work in customs or have seen people in airports carrying meat through the airport then it just went into people who've just seen weird stuff but I want to read some of them to you uh I did know that people because I used to watch that border control and you'd see the stuff that they bring in it's like sorry you can't bring 12 snakes into Australia they've got their own snakes that's so funny because someone messaged going my sister's mother-in-law arrived from China

with what were live snakes until they died on the flight what someone else said I saw a fella tried to bring a sheep's head through security when I worked in Terminal 2. The smell of it. Oh my God. Why the head? It's not even the best bit. I said, what?

And she goes, yeah, he'd wrapped it in a few plastic bags. Jesus. Then someone said, my nana got stopped going to America with a full ham. The sniffer dogs caught her. Now, in fairness, I'm going to hold my hands up here.

I have been known not now that I've given up the pig. I don't do it anymore. But I've been known to bring an old super quince also back with me. And maybe a bit of clonic guilty pudding. I have. Really? Yeah. Come on.

You can't have the English sausages. They're not as nice. No, they're not as nice. It's like they just didn't even try, to be honest. Here's another one. You do a lot of stuff well. You do a great pub, Jo, the English,

but you do a shit sausage. Shite sausage. And your history isn't great. Moving on. My sister works in Cork Airport. Last month, someone wanted to bring

their emotional support hedgehog through, so she had to double glove and scan it. What? Do they actually bring it through? What? That's what she said. I just don't know

what emotional support you'd get from a hedgehog. They're like full of scissors and all. That's kind of... I've never seen... Ah, their little noses. Their hedgehogs are very cute.

I know, but you're... Like a dog will kind of wag its tail and you can nuzzle into it. A hedgehog is a bit hostile though. Anyway,

someone else said just last month I saw someone try to bring a chipper curry through Cork airport security. So it's all happening in Cork. I would say that's fair enough. A chipper curry.

I used to take a fry on board with me because I used to have like this takeaway fry in Dublin airport and I'd be starving and I'd get a whole fry box, eggs and everything,

sit there on the plane eating it. How disgusting. Sorry to anyone who ever sat beside me. A box of beans. That's Bob playing at a good level.

It's really that. There's beans and eggs. No. Here's another one. My gran from Scotland was going to visit her sister in Canada. She had square slice sausage,

bacon, haggis, black pudding and potato scones. Delish. I love Scotland. Customs obviously confiscated it and she proceeded

to hurl abuse at the guy shouting, I hope you choke on it you fat bastard. I genuinely didn't know that was against the rules about the pigs. Then people just started saying to me weird shit they'd seen. Some woman unwrapped her infected leg

on the U-Bahn train in Berlin. It stank to the point that people were gagging at the end of the carriage with nowhere else to go. I've never smelled anything so putrid. Oh my God. Someone else said they saw someone on a bus in Bali Firm eating coleslaw with their bare hands. I said that was probably me. to go I've never smelled anything so putrid anyway oh my god so when Al said they saw someone on a bus in Ballyferm

eating coleslaw with their bare hands I said that was probably me yeah yeah yeah that's fair enough I said that was me spotted in town

before we go we for anyone who's been to the live show you'll know this and for those coming to the live show you will soon this and for those coming to the live show you will soon see this

because we've got our three arenas next week and we've got Belfast tonight or tomorrow night Vogue once wrote a pop song called Good Girls and we play it sang it

and she wrote and sang it and we play it in the live show and Vogue has decided very generously to give back to society by releasing it we're releasing it so We're releasing it. So you're listening to this on Friday.

We released it yesterday so you can get your hands on it and all the money made is going to UNICEF and it's quite, I mean, I love it. I think it's gas. All the money, is it?

Is it all the money? Yeah, all the money, Joanne. All the money. Yeah. Oh, that's great. You're fucking taxed. But anyway, that's a fucking point. Joanne doesn Yeah, all of it. Yeah. Oh, that's great. You have fucking tax but anyways, that fucking point. Joanne doesn't want

to do any... Joanne only works for free now, okay? She doesn't want to pay tax. Don't fucking pay her. No. I operate solely in cash now, okay?

I'm going to get a huge letterbox on my new flat. Just post the cash to my flat. I'm not dealing with this shit anymore. 100%.

Okay, the song is called Good Girls And you'll find it on Spotify And I hope you like it Thank you for listening I'm Erla Erla Erla

Erla Erla Erla Erla Erla Erla Erla Erla

Erla Erla Erla Erla Erla Erla Erla Erla

Erla Erla Erla Erla Erla Thank you.