My Therapist Ghosted Me - Fan Girl, Storm Barra & A Fake Wedding

Episode Date: December 10, 2021

Let's jump into this week's episode, where the storm has passed, the gifts have been regifted and we can all agree that you should only post during office hours. Vogue's been for a ride on a carousel and Joanne flew into the eye of the storm, but what have we learned? We've learned that you don't fake your wedding and you should DEFINITELY use a compass responsibly. If you'd like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comFinally... My Therapist Ghosted Me (and Joanne!) are shortlisted for a National Comedy Award!! Please vote here: https://www.thenationalcomedyawards.com/Thank you!

I am gonna say I'm gonna say it I've been listening to a lot of podcasts recently I think our podcast would be so much better if the music ends and we just start talking

I think the intro we don't need it I didn't know you listen to our podcast I don't listen to I said I listen to other podcasts well how do you know what happens to our podcast. I don't listen to it. I said I listen to other podcasts. Well, how do you know what happens to our podcast? I'm in the room recording it. What music, though?

How do you know about the music? How does she know this, Jo? I don't understand. Let's just get people to send their thoughts. There's no intro this week. No intro. See how you feel about it. Let's just talk.

Jo's pissed off. You are shitting all over Jo today. Jo's pissed off because you got a complaint. About his laugh. You're not going to over Joe today. Joe's pissed off because he got a complaint. I'm going to laugh. You know what it's like? Joe, now you know what it's like getting reviewed. Welcome to my world. Yeah, laughing's finished.

No more laughing now. Well, speaking of reviewing Joanne. Oh. No more laughing. I am like not your friend anymore. I'm now a fangirl. I went to see Joanne for the first time.

And honestly, me and Amber laughed. We were like, Jesus Christ. She was just, she was just, everyone was laughing the whole time. There wasn't a moment of silence. And I'm like, Louise and I were then texting each other on Saturday night. And she's like, she was amazing.

I was like, wasn't she amazing? Wasn't she just the best comic you've ever seen live? Everybody had such a laugh. Now, there was something I needed to talk to you about about the show. What? You said your two best friends.

Oh, Jo, you should have been. This is so funny. So I amalgamate, so what I do in the show is I take kind of I don't know them. Characteristics of things I like, women I like, my friends,

and I amalgamate them into two characters, Denise and Carol. So I've been saying I have two best friends, Denise and Carol. I was wondering who Denise and Carol were. Yeah, they I have two best friends Denise and Carol I was wondering who Denise and Carol were

yeah they're fabric they're like I can't use real people I was so offended but anyway I said so on Friday in Leicester Square

it was so weird the room was split down the middle it was like they'd done it on purpose half the room all the left hand side were mostly Irish

and pod listeners so anything I would say related to pod they were like wah boo if they didn't know and all the people on the right

I don't know if they knew what was going on but so when I said I have two best friends in East St. Carol the whole left side of the room started booing

and I couldn't it took me a second to realise what was going on that's the side I was on and then I was like oh it's because I didn't say and Vogue was there and I said to her

to the next day I was like did you hear they were booing because I didn't say you and she goes Vogue was like yeah I was booing's because I didn't say and Vogue was there and I said to her the next day I was like did you hear they were booing because I didn't say you because Vogue was like yeah I was booing too because I joined in okay well that's fine Denise and Carol aren't real that's fine I sat there and I was like that bitch I was like I'm not laughing at the next three jokes that's what she's gonna get it was so funny and then I never really know at shows do i just like not reference the podcast at all or do i just accept that the majority of them off the back of the podcast and they're like nigel what happened with nigel it's like a q a i was

like all right i'm just gonna tell you now well yeah so i have a new new obsession with you even more so now that i've heard that they're fake people thank you that makes me happy yeah and i thought you were the best comedian that i've ever seen live. Have you ever seen anyone live though? Yeah, I have loads of people. Have you? That redhead fella that you were out

for lunch with. The redhead? Jason Byrne. Saw him. Saw him. Jason's been demoted to the redhead fella. Jimmy Carr.

Saw him live. You're better than him. I think you're much better than Michael McIntyre. There's no bias here at all. Cheap laugh. I'll take it. He's a much better than Michael McIntyre there's no bias here at all cheap laugh I'll take it he's a cheap laugh

Michael McIntyre is shit can't sell a ticket for love nor money he's as bad as Peter Kay I love Peter Kay I love Peter Kay yeah I like Peter Kay too he's my vibe

I took the babies actually I took them to the museum I was trying to be super mom on Sunday when I can't do anything on Sundays because I've got heart and I'm so tired and i thought no i'll take them to the

museum i've paid now i've paid 20 quid i'm not wasting my money i'll drive there didn't take the buggy mistake number one theodore cried the whole way towards the museum and i thought you know why am i why am i bringing you here we get in uh we went on the carousel and this annoying man but a child who was too large to be in the seated carousel, sat on ours and he's like, oh, you can sit in this with me. And I'm like, oh, thanks, dude. I was here first. And him and his son should have been on the horses in the carousel.

What are you talking about? What are you talking about? When I was at the Science Museum. Why is there a carousel? There's a carousel because it's four quid for two minutes and everyone has to go on it. They make a fortune. And this guy comes and sits in my little booth instead of going and getting on his kid was like

seven get your kid on the horse anyway so that was the start of it and then we went inside we went to look at the dinosaurs theodore is like beating up gg and then i went and i bought him a dinosaur i said they could choose one toy each and i bought him a dinosaur 20 I said they could choose one toy each. And I bought him a dinosaur. 20 quid. That dinosaur was 20 quid. And I said I'd get him one toy. Got him the toy. Well, he was screaming the house down at quarter to six the following morning, telling me he hated the dinosaur.

He wanted to give it back. He wanted a different one. This is the next day he's complaining about the dinosaur. I was just like, I'm never doing them. I'm never and I'm not bringing them anywhere nice again. Bitch, we've moved on. No one cares about the dinosaur anymore. I was like, I'm never doing them. I'm never, I'm not bringing them anywhere nice again. You're like, bitch, we've moved on. No one cares about

the dinosaur anymore. I was like, okay, fine. Fine, I'll give the dinosaur to William, my nephew. And he's like, yeah, give it to William. I want another one.

I was like, no, you're not getting another one. What else was I doing this week? I have something written down and I thought it said handjob. Reminded me of something I said to someone,

you know? You know the way I was like, oh, imagine waking up naked to Boris Johnson. I actually thought of something I said to someone, you know? You know the way I was like, oh, imagine waking up naked to Boris Johnson. I actually thought of something worse than that. Imagine you had to stand there and wake him. You had to stand there and give Boris Johnson a handjob and just stand there.

It'd be way worse than sleeping. What's the matter with you? I was just thinking of one of the worst things that I could think of. I don't know. Stand there and give me a why. I'm really good at having

I can have well I can kind of go out of body. Oh I couldn't. I can drift off and to another state of mind and just kind of get on with it. I did it for the hell

of the 90s basically. I'm trying to think. Yeah, I've done that quite a few times. Yeah, where you're like, it's actually kind of easier to give them a handjob because... Oh no, I wouldn't give a handjob. It's less personal. I thought you were going to talk about the time

that you were... Oh, I can. No, I can. So I was doing a job this week and I saw on the call sheet, so I was on the call sheet and there was a hand model on the call sheet. And I know I have ugly hands. So I know that that's why

they booked a hand model. They tried to say so it was like we could save time so I could leave. But no, it was because I've got spades for hands. I know. I know a girl who's a model

and she went for an audition once. What did they call it? And they didn't like her hands. Well, no, her hands were the only bit they liked. So they were like, basically, it was obvious they wouldn't give her the job. And then they were like, hold on, put your hands up.

And she put up her hands and they were like, just put them over your face. No. Yeah, and they hired her for her hands in the end, but didn't want her face. I suppose that's actually worse. It's a tough business. That's way worse. Well, I noticed they used that girl's ankles as well. Did they?

And I don't have great ankles. Yeah, hands and ankles. I mean, if I could swap mine out, I would. They did it for me. I filmed the big fat quiz of the year recently. Yeah. And they had a section where these people come on and you have to guess what they do. And these three men came on.

One was, one looked like he was kind of, I thought he was a Magic Mike. Yeah. Dancer. And the other one looked like he was an extra on kind of, I was about to say Twinkie Blinders, Peaky Blinders. Twinkie Blinders sounds like the gay cabaret version. Yeah. Anyway, I was on with Rob Beckett and we were thinking that they were extras

and I was saying that's what they were. But anyway, they were stunt doubles and they were all James Bond stunt doubles. Every single one of them, even though they looked completely different. Do you know what? That's the only respect I have for Tom Cruise because he does his own stunts.

Besides that, no respect at all. I was saying you've got disrespect because he nearly dies. Like he's willing to risk his life. I think that, I think that it makes Tom Cruise kind of cool because you've got to like,

I mean, the Scientology thing is just awful. I would not in a million years. I won't even get out the roadside of a taxi for a job. Like,

I would never put my safety in jeopardy like that. Not a million years, you wouldn't see me jumping off a bridge. No, I don't think. Like, I would never put my safety in jeopardy like that. Not a million years, you wouldn't see me jumping off a bridge. No, I don't think, no, I would find some of the things

like that fun though. That's when I did the, remember I did the horse riding job? That was, that was a pretty, I didn't realise what I was getting myself into.

You're quite active. Riding racehorses, not so easy. I wanted to ask you something because you know the way I like to know things about you, like about your yogurts

and stuff like that. Is this not the bonus content like yeah last week's episode we just have to we'll just call it it was a slow week everyone was like

yeah the podcast my friend Steve was like podcast is really weird this week I was like I know it was a really slow week we were really

trying to get at the wall and it obviously didn't stick thank god I got that dick pic right. I've had literally nothing to talk about.

Joanne, I love the podcast but please, every time Jo laughs I want to rub dog shit in my ears. I get loads of nice messages

about your laugh. I get loads of nice ones too but this is... I want to rub dog shit in my ears. It's such a good... You're turning into a comic.

You're only focused on the bad. I'm wondering, right, because I'm all smoked because I've sorted myself out for Christmas. Like, I'm sorted. Everyone has their presents. It's all done. I've organised my Christmas settings. I've done all my shopping.

What have you done for Christmas? No thing. Everyone in my life gets cash. We just all like revel in a hundred pounds into each other's accounts. It's like a swirling. Switch it around. Yeah. We do. We do

Super Santa. The babies get cash. Everyone gets cash. The babies getting cash is a good idea. Yeah. They want cash. They have too much other shit. Those children these days are like little misers. I was just thinking that. I'm at the age now. Do you remember like when you'd be out with your parents and their mates would like slip you a 20

and they'd be your favourite mate? I was thinking, what am I going to bring those kids? I'm going to see my niece and nephew and they're like 15 and 16. I'm like, I'll give them 20 quid. Is 20 quid enough these days? I don't know. With inflation and house prices, it's not. You have to give them more. I'm not giving them 50. I'm not giving them a 50. They'll expect you to be giving them little lobsters. You have to give them more. I'm not giving them 50. You should give them 50. I'm not giving them a 50.

They'll expect you to be giving them little lobsters. You have to give them something big. You can't be the tight aunt. I suppose my dad's friend Seamus used to give me a 50. He gave me a 50

when I was like 19. I was walking through Stephen's Green. Slipped me a 50 and I thought, well, fuck it. I'll take it. If you're my aunt,

I'd be expecting little Fabergé eggs. That's the problem with people, right? I get gifted a lot of things and I re-gift. I do a lot of re-gifting. You do.

Well, not anymore. Not in my family. They know what's been re-gifted and they refuse to take it. They're like, I'll take that, but I want a gift as well. You have to buy me

something as well. So with Amber, I have to physically purchase her like a pair of runners or something like that. And then she gets her re-gift. No! Yeah, yeah.

She gets both. I know, it's disgraceful. And she goes, she gets first dibs on all my bags of clothes. No one is allowed. You've seen what happened when you got here.

She nearly ripped my eyes out over a denim jacket. I was like, I understand sisters get dibs. I understand that. But I, you know, I'm part of this family now too. I own half that baby

that's inside her. Yeah, exactly. Nothing to do with Amber. I want to see what's in the bag of clothes going out into the bin. And she had it all marked for the stuff that she wanted to try. And literally we were pulling

a denim jacket in too. And I said, give me... That wouldn't suit her. It wouldn't suit... I said, Amber, it's not going to suit you with those thighs. You can't be a lesbian woman in denim.

It's not 2005. You've got to move on, Amber. It's too much, Amber. It's too much. Too much. Anyway, I took the denim jacket. Jesus, she hasn't dropped it. Sorry.

She won't drop it. She got 70,000 kilos of clothes out of that bag. I got one denim jacket. Denim jacket. I was actually out of that bag. I got one denim jacket. Denim jacket. I was actually thinking of Jedward. I don't know why. Denim jacket. When Naomi was over,

I said to Naomi, look, watch this, Naomi, watch this. Just to piss Amber off, I was like, oh, Naomi, come here. I'm going to give you a few bits of makeup. Amber walked in, ran in like a bulldog.

She's like, what are you giving her don't give her anything and I'm like oh my god we're joking with you she's absolutely nuts you wouldn't throw her out like a little

iconic blush that's worth like seven quid she's got it all she's got everything there couldn't be any more space for anything

and then I offer her a thing you want to see her makeup brushes have you seen her makeup brushes I'm actually for people listening to the pod I'm actually going to for a thing, you want to see her makeup brushes. Have you seen her makeup brushes? I'm actually,

for people listening to the pod, I'm actually going to post a picture of them. She'll go nuts. And I was like, because I'm buying all my own makeup brushes. I actually want to give

people 20% off my makeup brushes. I just have to read a text at the end. But I'm buying people my makeup brushes. Is that really, is that annoying if I buy people my makeup

brushes for Christmas? I just think it's a really nice present. That's like giving people a framed photo of yourself. That's kind of the problem, yeah. Amber needs them. Have you seen her makeup brushes? I was going to give them to her and she's like no, I'll have them for free.

And I'm like, no, they're not part of the freebies. Like I have to pay for them. And she's like, she won't take them. She'd rather use what only looks like a scour and rub it against your face. You should see them. That's like me giving people tickets to my own show for Christmas. I'll have tickets to your show for Christmas. That's what I want for my birthday. You owe me a birthday present. You've seen the show. Can I come again? I'm going twice then to the new one. There is no new one. Are you doing that one again?

Yeah. What do you think I'm going to write an hour of stand-up over Christmas and start touring it in January? It's not hip-hop anymore. That's the one that's happening in the...

Palladium. But Nick, in Ireland. Yeah, it's the same show. Well, then I want two more of them. Okay, well, wait for a while. Come to the Palladium so you of them okay well wait for a while come to the Palladium so you've forgotten all the jokes

I'm coming to the Palladium and I'm also coming to one in Ireland by the way we've just I might as well say now we've added a fourth Palladium

it goes on sale what day is it today? would you ever you go monotone when you're talking about your own shit I know because I don't like it

yeah but we're gonna like doing a normal voice there's a fourth Palladium on sale! Yeah, we just, we've added an extra palladium and it's now on sale. You can't help it.

You have to literally go into monotone when you're talking to yourself. I'm like, let's move on. I flew through Storm Barra. That's very nice. How was that? Into the eye of the storm. It was pretty sunny in Ireland.

I thought there was a storm coming. Well, it was like, it was blue skies. I was doing a shoot in Ireland, yeah, and everyone was threatened

with Storm Barra and all the schools were closed. Not all of them, but a lot of them. But it's that thing and it's always so funny because you're bitterly disappointed.

Everyone's giving out about the lack of storm because everyone's been told to stay indoors everyone's like shit there's no couple of trampolines blowing around the place

there is a lot of like a lot of the like electrics like the lights have gone out oh yeah my brother said he had no electricity it's like North Korea

over there at the moment there's like literally no electricity god I'm not going back then I'm going home I'm going home 60,000 places down have electricity in Ireland but I places I'm going home I'm going home 60,000 places down have electricity

in Ireland but I was talking about the storm Barra which is Irish for Barry is it? yeah

but I was thinking I was getting on the Ryanair flight one of the girls that was on the shoot with me was like are you comfortable getting on a

would you be comfortable flying in a storm? not in Ryanair well I was like I'm so addicted to drama I would go just to see was like, I'm so addicted to drama, I would go just to see what happens.

Like, I would be willing to almost die just for the crack if I got some material out of it or something. But if I turned up and it was really obvious, like if the pilot

was carrying a canoe on board, if it looked really obvious that we were going to crash and the air stewardesses were wearing armbands, I wouldn't go. But I was like, Ryanair would be the

worst plane to crash on because they're so tight that they probably wouldn't even let you have oxygen masks and stuff unless you were like, priority.

Yeah, they'd be like, that's for the priority. Aer Lingus would be great to die on, I think. I could die in an Aer Lingus, yeah. Very patriotic.

It'd be like going down the Titanic. It'd be quite nice. Yeah. I couldn't look at that navy and yellow going down to my death. No. No way. No, I couldn't look at that navy and yellow going down to my death. No.

No way. No. I was thinking Erlingus would be a nice plane to die on. Erlingus, I wouldn't mind a BA. It's quite a comfortable flight. My dream would be to die

in business class in Erlingus. That's my dream. The new A3, whatever it's called, the one that goes from Heathrow to Dublin, in business class.

Okay, we'll die there. Yeah, I'll die in business class. Yeah. Now, I have to say one. I've won'll die in business class. Yeah. Would it cut? Now I have to say one. I've won. I've won complaint. Go on.

They don't have very tea on Aer Lingus. Oh, well, I mean, I will be no, I don't drink tea on flights as a rule. But you remember they used to do those little breakfasts?

No. You don't remember the fries they used to have on the Aer Lingus plane? No. With pudding and everything? No. Oh my God.

Well, you're not really a fry in the airport. I'm a fry in a box kind of girl a fry in a box with beans eggs sausages

all swimming around together actually please don't even that actually just makes me want to get sick delicious oh yeah I was going to say why do we name storms

yeah and they're always weird names they said it's to give us more of an interest in the storm to help us like remember I was like

that's so ridiculous because you're hardly going to be like, oh, do you remember when your entire family was wiped out by that storm? They're like, no. They're like, you do remember him. Barry.

Barra. Real swirly. Barra. Remember Barra? You're like, fuck yeah, I remember him now. As if you're not going to remember. There's a video online,

they're trying to make Storm Barra and I'm not, look, I'm not, Storm Barra, obviously, you know, he seems like real stormy and shit, fair play to him. But there was a video online

on this newspaper where they were trying, they were adding all this really tense, they were like visuals of Storm Barra and it was this really tense music.

It sounded like music you'd play in a horror film and it was just like trampolines, just trampolines blowing through estates in Mullingar and at one stage

this exercise ball it was just a sea where it's just this big Swiss exercise ball just blew down a road and it was like how was your flight? did you have any turbulence?

not a fucking bit that's hilarious I know but obviously I was like I better have three space chins because I could die. I could be barred to death up here. Do you reckon

you get more pissed in the air? From excitement. I actually slept, this is the great thing I love about Ryanair, right? Because they love money so much, they will never stop serving you.

Like, you could literally be on the runway and you could go, bing, bing, can I get a chin and slim and that poor air stewardess will have to fucking crawl down the aisle to serve you that's my favorite thing about Ryanair so I fell asleep and I woke up and it was like we are now descending and I was like shit and

the seatbelt sign was up and everything but I can't get off a plane without having a space gin so I unbuckled myself and ran down the back and I was like it's too late to have a gin and slim and she's like like everything and slim and she's like like everything the clay is like shaking and she's like not at all would you like ice

I was like yeah and a lime wedge a lime wedge how could you want that like when you're about to land oh I just fucking love it oh tonic is

honestly the most disgusting thing ever I was actually thinking today when I was thinking about all the electricity that's been knocked out in Ireland from storm. Barra.

The Gaeil Gorm storm. You love that storm. Barra. Barra. Barra. And I was thinking how fun electrical,

what are they called? What are they called? Electrical, when all the electrics go out in your house. You know, you used to happen in the 80s all the time

in Ireland. Power cuts. Thank you, Jo. Power cuts. So exciting. The telly you go, you'd be ripping out the candles, straight away the whole family all the time in Ireland. Power cuts. Thank you, Joe. Power cuts. So exciting. The telly you go, you'd be ripping out the candles. Straight away,

the whole family down to the chipper. But weirdly, the chipper was always on and now I'm thinking was it just some weird conspiracy theory by the local chipper?

We all just went to the chipper. The whole estate, everyone was just down to the chipper. To tell you my haste, a while ago, she came into the kitchen and I was saying,

I'm doing a photo shoot with Vogue and she was new to the house and she's like oh my god how famous are you and I was like no

Hoth Vogue not Parisian Vogue I was looking I saw Adele post recently and she said that she used to she doesn't post anymore

so loads of celebs don't post anymore I've learnt this because Spenny and I are doing this really embarrassing game on our podcast where we have to email celebrities and hope that they write back to us. Pied, pied by celebs I don't even want to talk to. But loads of them don't look after their own Insta.

And Adele has been barred from looking after her own Insta because she posted one picture in like the last three years and it was her at Notting Hill Carnival and she got absolutely annihilated for it because of cultural

appropriation and stuff and so they took it back off her and it got me thinking of really embarrassing posts and honestly I was having the best laugh

reading some of these Rita Ora right is this true though it's true right Rita Ora tweets and she's like, dropping my new song Monday

if this gets 100,000 retweets. And then there was 1,492 retweets. And then she goes, by the way, my Twitter got hacked. Somebody's threatening to release new music. I've worked really hard on. Nothing comes out until I'm ready. They're claiming to be hacked for like... You'd have to. That's so embarrassing. I've worked really hard on. Nothing comes out until I'm ready.

They're claiming to be hacked for like... You'd have to. That's so embarrassing. I think I just have to lean into it. Be like, hey guys, I'm retraining as a psychiatric nurse. Like clearly no one wants my music. 1500. 1500. And she's got like millions of followers.

And then Mary J. Blige. Poor Mary J. Blige. She said, why is that people always try to understand and she got like millions of followers and then Mary J. Blige poor Mary J. Blige she said why is that people always try to understand estimate my intelligence G-E-N-T-S

they should never do that I wonder about these are they photoshopped that is real because there was one from Rihanna going hey Beyonce I fucked your husband and I was like what

oh my god yeah because I googled weird celebrity tweets and that came up and I was like what? Oh my god. Yeah because I googled weird celebrity tweets and that came up and I was thinking did she really say that? That's so embarrassing. I used to do

when I tweet I don't tweet anymore really I need to kind of start trying to get back into it. I just don't have anything to say. I don't have any thoughts or anything to say on it either. And it's not worth the risk.

No you get in trouble. Everything's taken out of context there's no nuance there's no I don't know whatever I don't really write jokes I can't really

cram anything entertaining into whatever the 12 characters or whatever you have but I do remember back in the day when I'd tweet and then if it kind of

just died on its own I would take it down would you? yeah oh my god yeah yeah now I just leave it off

once it's up it's there you can't get rid of it. That's how I feel. Rob Kardashian going to law school very soon and so excited and can't wait. School just never ends. And then he hashtagged the universities and then the university wrote,

the USC gold law, gold law, whatever. Rob Kardashian hasn't even applied to USC law. Why is she lying? He just fully lied. Why? Because he thought it sounded good. My favourites were when people used to Photoshop themselves and there'd be like a squiggly wall behind them.

Oh yeah, when they could see, they were like, why is your ass cheek on the mirror to the left? Like, look at Lindsay Lohan's there. That was quite a good one. Like, she even needs to do that. Like, do they not realise, like, people with no profile get rinsed, get found out for lying. You're she even needs to do that. Like, do they not realise, like, people with no profile

get rinsed, get found out for lying. How, you're, you're so traceable and trackable. I know. How can you possibly think you're going to get away

with this shit? What about when Katy Perry fell for that video of people singing her song Roar from their balcony during, during COVID, like, in Italy.

And she was like, oh my God, this is so nice. It brings people together. You can't break the human spirit. Cheryl Cowell did as well. Cheryl Cowell, they're all singing Fight for This Love, I think.

Do you not remember? Someone kept photoshopping in all these pop songs when all the Italians were singing. And adding them. Cheryl Cowell retweeted it. She was like so emotional, blah, blah, blah. You've got to fight for this love by Cheryl Cowell. Oh my God, it's too much.

The anthem of a global pandemic. Why not, Cheryl? Believe in yourself. You've got to fight for this love by Cheryl Cole. Oh my God, it's too much. The anthem of a global pandemic. Why not, Cheryl? Believe in yourself. You've got to back yourself. Oh my God, not that much. It's literally my favourite. I have a rule that I, any more than one large glass of Merlot,

no posting. Do you want that? It's bullshit. It's not. That's my rule. I, sorry. Remember that time you posted in my house

and you came back and you were like, should I take that day? And I was like, yeah. Yeah. Get it, Dad. Yeah, but I checked it. Like, I've made enough mistakes

that I know now. I used to, I used to, I used to drunk story when I was like, like back in my shortage days, like absolutely deranged like hanging out of a taxi

yeah it's just not funny and then you'd wake up the next day and be like oh how embarrassing thinking you were really cool

when you were actually an absolute loser drinking and like I think Instagram, Twitter I think they should be office hours like I should not be

allowed to do an Insta story at 3am it should not be allowed they should be like reopen again at 9 go to bed I don't even like people know I don't like when people know when you've been should not be allowed to do an Insta story at 3am. It should not be allowed. They should be like, reopen again at 9, Joanne. Go to bed. I don't even like people knowing.

I don't like when people know when you've been active last either. I know. What was she doing up at 5 o'clock in the morning? I know, yeah. You're always that to me. I know.

I actually woke up at half six this morning and I was like, I can't start texting people because I'm ready to write back to people. And excuse me, if you have the audacity

to text me at quarter to ten at night you're getting one back at half six she asked me did I want a coffee by the way today at half four in the evening

half four at night in the middle of the night not a bloody oh what did we have now by the way who are these pricks that screen grab

absolutely everything like people tweet and then my favourite article is the Daily Mail or a Diva first in a sense deleted tweet blah blah blah. So it's like once

it's out there, it's out there. It's like a museum. It's like it never dies. It never dies. It never dies. It never dies.

And that's why people are getting cancelled for shit they tweeted 19 years ago when it was okay to be a fascist. I think these online accounts should have

post office hours. That's it. You know when you take photos when you're locked to your friends you're like, we look amazing. Yeah. We're stunning.

And then you post them and the next day you look like you should be, you look like you're being taken into an asylum. You look, why did I do that? And I know I'm not allowed

to talk about Alice Evans anymore. I live for the since deleted video Alice Evans has. Do you know she's rinsing him out and she's saying he was doing coke and all this stuff.

Oh God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's really, she should have started with the coke. Things would have gone a different way. Well, you're a baghead.

Allegedly. I actually think it would be a good, I actually thought it would be a good topic for the pod. If you had a public platform like that would you rinse your ex? Do you know what though? When

Or do all your secrets of the relationship do you just no matter how angry you are no matter how hurt do you just have to kind of keep them in? I almost wanted to tell

Louis Walsh a few secrets of mine because I know if you tell Louis Walsh anything he literally will tell everybody so I was like I could get that out quite easily Yeah Some stuff you kind of want to come out but then you just I just leave it in the end tell Louis Walsh anything he literally will tell everybody so I was like I could get that out quite easily yeah

some stuff you kind of want to come out but then you just I just leave it in the end I know you have to just leave it you have to just take it on the chin

you've got to take the higher road and then at the end of the day you know what like who cares they're like living their shit life

without you I don't think we're talking about Alice Evans anymore no we're talking about each other's stuff I know but it's always nice to think that their life is shit without you yeah 100% I don't think we're talking about all the sevens anymore. No, we're talking about each other's stuff.

But it's always nice to think that their life is shit without you. Yeah, 100%. Even when they're like on a yacht with like a fucking Even on their epoxy yacht. You're like,

well, he clearly hasn't moved on. Oh my God. Honestly, I wouldn't be able to bear it. Imagine, imagine they moved on. Imagine they moved on with, oh, I don't know,

some raw, Victoria's Secret model. Men always move on with hotter, younger versions. No, they don't. That's the law, I don't know, some raw Victoria's Secret model. Men always move on with hotter, younger versions. No, they don't. That's the law. They don't. That's the law. No, they don't.

That's the man law. It's the sperm law. It's the law of sperm. I actually don't agree with you. Celebrity conspiracy theories. Do you know where this topic came from? Me and Vogue avoiding talking about Britney Spears for so long because

at the start I genuinely thought it was all bullshit because she kept saying she was fine. And I was like these fans are just being fanatical and they're catastrophizing that she was locked in this fucking palace castle thing and wasn't free.

Actually true. And then it became true. So that's why we were talking about, oh my God, what other celebrity conspiracy theories could potentially be true? Well, don't forget Beyonce in the pregnancy that you brought up as well. Beyonce in the pregnancy. Avril Lavigne is dead apparently and she's been replaced.

That's mad. Why do people think that though? Because apparently she kind of looks a little bit different and I think her personality changed a bit. And I mean... And she lives in LA, guys. That's why she looks different. I mean, exactly.

She could have got a nose job. I know. Did you ever see her beside her fans getting a picture? That's the funniest shit I've ever seen. Three meters away. This is pre-COVID, by the way. That's why I didn't go. I usually go out after shows to say hi to people

if they're around, but I couldn't this time. I couldn't at the weekend because I can't afford to get Omnibus. What's it called? The new one. The Omnibus.

Oh, Omicron. Omicron. I don't want the Omnibus. So I was like, I can't go out. But the Apple of Eden standing beside it. They're like over there.

And she charged them for that. I know. I think that's so bad. I couldn't, she couldn't look like less crack. Oh, there's one here about Eminem. The Illuminati killed

the real Slim Shady. He does kind of look... I'm a big fan of the Illuminati. They're kind of old school now. They're like, they're kind of vintage. Eminem looks dead. They're vintage conspiracy theories.

He looks like a taxidermy got to him. Eminem? Yeah. You'd give him a go? I would give him a go. I would give him a go. Would I give him a go? Yes, dead or alive.

The Illuminati. All right, Jimmy Savile. Eminem, yeah. I've always fancied Eminem for years. I know, you like the rappers. I would be in a sandwich. I would be the ham to Eminem and Dre. He does look like white slice, but he's very white. I'd have a great to Eminem and Dre. He does look like white sliced but

he's very white. I'd have a great time. Apparently Stevie Wonder can see. Yeah. Yeah. And they were like why do you think

he can see? I read about it and they were saying because he likes photography. There was a singing competition there's stars in your eyes

I can't remember what country it was and a woman came on as Stevie Wonder and like she did the black face and everything. But she was,

she played it so true to character they actually escorted her on like she was blind. Stop. Yeah, look, she's, oh my God, the sound guy's actually walking

her to her microphone like she can't see. And she's painted herself black. Show me, show me, not in 2018. Look at her. Oh my God, she did. She me, show me. Not in 2018. Look at her! Oh my god, she did. She's a white woman!

Oh my god. Alright, where are you on selling Suntest? I've given up, it's not for me. For god's sake! Shit. Okay, well, I stand by it. There's loads of articles now saying Christine's not pregnant. I don't know why I care so much, but there you have it, I do. I saw something that made me laugh in the news again.

A woman has faked her own wedding. Ugh. Right, she faked her own wedding, complete with a lavish venue, stand-in groom and a professional photo shoot, and she was just trying to get her ex to text her. And he ignored it. He ignored it, yeah. Imagine.

How could you ignore that? But there's a lot, I have a lot of questions about this. It cost her 10 grand. Firstly, look, how did we get here? Do you know what I mean? At what, like, why do you think he's going to contact you on your wedding day? That's the last day he's going to contact you.

Because he'd be like, how have you just gotten married? Like it was within weeks. She just wanted a text back. It's so extreme. I absolutely love it. It's so extra. I love it. But no, I used to fantasize about

dying, like on my deathbed or at my funeral and the boys that I fancied. Because you can't fight with death. You can't argue death. If I was her, what I would have done is faked my own death.

Seen him at the funeral. Set up an RIP.E and just keep an eye on the RIP.E website to see if he commented on it. That's the only way you're going to make contact. The only way he's going to contact you

is a message on your RIP.ie and then you just have to live off that for the rest of your fake life. Knowing that that's your closure then. Well, I can't believe she posted that and let everybody see what she did, the madness of what she did. I know.

I used to do weird shit when I was younger and actually, one of the things I did, I used to put a plaster in the middle of my forehead and cycle around the dunes where I was from and just cycle around just hoping somebody would say, what used to put a plaster in the middle of my forehead and cycle around the dunes where I was from. And I'd just cycle around, just hoping somebody would say, what happened

to your head? I used to take it a step further, of course. And I used to cut my face with a compass. And what did your mom say? I don't remember her commenting. I'm no other use for a compass. I'm numerically dyslexic, so I just stab myself with it. I used to cut my face.

I still have a scar, actually, in my forehead there. I used to cut my face for attention. And when I was in school, I used to, because I'm adopted, I told everyone my parents had been killed in a plane crash. Stop. Yeah.

Did I not tell you that before? Yeah. It was my first one woman show In the yard in school I just circled people around me When I realised that Everyone else wasn't adopted And I was like

Oh There's like social currency in this And I was like How dramatic can I go here? And I told them They were killed in a plane crash Yeah And I'm not going to tell you

How old I was When I was cut in my face But I was too fucking old To be cut in my face Well we didn't get a compass Till secondary school Yeah Yeah And I'm not going to tell you how old I was when I was cutting my face, but I was too fucking old to be cutting my face. Well, we didn't get a compass till secondary school. Yeah. Yeah.

I used to pretend that my ankle was broken. When I think of it, I'm actually too embarrassed to ask my auntie about it because I know she knew. It was when I used to be like going and saying to my dad, my parents were broken up, and I just used to put my foot over to the side and it would look like I had two ankles. They took me to hospital and everything. And I had like crutches for a while.

And I used to like drop the crutches and run up the stairs and be like, like totally fine, just pretending I'd broke my ankle. My auntie probably knows about that. I couldn't bring myself to ask her, even though I'm a 36 year old woman now with two kids. It's just too pathetic.

It's still too pathetic. But you were the child of a broke at home. You had an excuse. Yeah, I needed to do it. I can't believe you tell people your parents died in a plane crash. It's still too pathetic. But you were the child of a broke at home. True. You had an excuse. Yeah, I needed to do it. I can't believe you tell people your parents died in a plane crash. That's quite cool. I guess so.

I had my face scratched out like a pirate. They're like, this kid can't catch a break. The stuff that you would do. I was there when they went down in the plane. The weird stuff you would do actually listeners dying for attention dying for attention

desperate yeah thirst bucket I was so thirsty in school that used to be my report card like just looking for attention looking for attention thirsty bitch

thank god that wore off couple of bits of business. Personally, my tour What do you think I should sell your tour fee? I've added more tour dates. Also, there's a bit of because Ireland's at 50% capacity now.

So basically my 2nd of January Vicar Street has been cancelled. But they're putting the tickets back on sale to do two shows on the 2nd and two shows on the 4th at 6 and 9 so you have to just re-buy the tickets pain in the hell

but that's oh my god basically I'm doing an extra show I'm actually going to do four shows instead of one show that's very sound of you I feel like I'm just plugging tickets

the half time now I want to plug makeup brushes like you yeah it'd be exciting yes lovely Christmas present that I'm purchasing

for my sister and her wiry makeup brushes is Sarah Keary the makeup brushes It's going to be exciting. Yes. Lovely Christmas present that I'm purchasing for my sister. And her wiry makeup brushes is Sarah Keary. The makeup brushes I did with Sarah Keary. She is going to give me a 20% off code, which I thought

was pretty sound. So it's Vogue20 and you'll get 20% off my makeup brushes, which are absolutely fab. How can you not like just decide you're giving yourself

20% off your own stuff? Ah, because like, we have to kind of decide together. Well, I did a post about your makeup brushes. They're great, in fairness. I said, I don't, you know, you send me your stuff and I don't always post your stuff because I don't want my feed to be a constant

shrine to Vogue Williams, which I feel sometimes it is because you know how obsessed with you I am. I'm obsessed with you, though. I'm obsessed with you, though. I'm obsessed with you. But I did post the brushes because I thought they were so handy because they tell you what they do on them, which I never knew. I would be putting on my foundation with an eyeshadow brush because I'm thick. Yeah, there you go. Five stars from me.

Five stars and 20% off for you. Vogue 20 and the Sarah Keary makeup brushes. Oh, yeah. Oh yeah, oh yeah.