My Therapist Ghosted Me - "Flat" Not "Fat"

Episode Date: June 24, 2022

Joanne has had a right old week of it and Vogue is trying to make plans for her "birthday month". There's talk of nipples, prizes, Jesus & Billie Eilish. If you'd like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThank you!

Welcome to My Therapist Goes To Me with me, Joanne McNally and herself, Vogue Williams. Vogue Williams, thank you. How was your lunch? I might take that up. Because you said, even if I have kids, I'm still going to do my little Sunday on my own. Like, when I say I have no time alone, like, there's like, she now follows me into the shower. She watches me in the shower until I'm done. Because, like, there's nowhere to go. I don't remember the last time I've gone to the toilet in peace.

Nowhere alone. She's not just closed the door in her face. Like, what? Come on. The screeching is, like, it's unbearable. There's not just closed the door in her face like what come on the screeching is like it's unbearable there's nothing worse

than the screeching I think you need to do some kind of hard mothering I think I just need to take like I should take myself for lunch just once a week

alone 100% I did think it was a bit obnoxious though because I was like single woman Sunday obviously straight away

they're like well you're not single anymore anymore I was like well look yes obviously I'm seeing someone but I'm still single in my cell not not look at her look at her trying to still be relatable tough look well hop on board my train honey no but I like I still feel like as in I'm still alone a lot you know what I mean but I was saying I have kids, I'll still take myself for lunch on Sunday. And then I was like, well, realistically, if I had three kids, I probably couldn't take myself to lunch on a Sunday. You could change it to a Monday, though. It doesn't have to be day specific.

The key for me is learning to be alone and be content on your own. And actually, do you know what I've also started doing, which is huge growth? Now I don't demand that they put me in the corner anymore. Last night, they were like, you know, they put the single tables in the middle. They were like, do you want that one? And I was like, yeah, I'll take that one. me in the corner anymore. Last night, they were like, you know they put the single tables in the middle. They were like, do you want that one? I was like,

yeah, I'll take that one. Sat in the middle of the restaurant on my own. Delighted. See, that wouldn't bother me. Didn't even think about it. Because I'd be so far

into my phone that I wouldn't even notice anything going on around me. You can feel a bit on show. They put all the four-seaters against the walls and the single, the two-seaters

in the middle for some reason. Oh, yeah. Well, I do agree with you. I think you have to find contentment within yourself because when I went through a big breakup, I like forced myself to be single for a while when obviously I didn't want to be single. And then you decide, oh my God, I'm actually grey cracked to go out on my own.

A hundred percent. And then score everyone. A hundred percent. But always go home on your own and then wait until you're happy with yourself and then eat. I'm all about it. Yeah. Like that took me ages.

Like, during lockdown, I was like on the verge of a breakdown nine times a day. But now I'm like, I'm very mentally robust now. I think it's the first, I think I'm the most mentally robust I've ever been in my entire life.

Apart from when I was six and I didn't have the mental capacity to not be robust. I didn't have the stresses. I agree with you. Definitely since I've known you, this is like your best. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm like, you're owning it. I'm just very happy. Isn't that a nice like your best yeah I'm like you're owning it I'm just very happy isn't that a nice thing to say I'm very happy I'm very happy

yeah I don't need any like do you know what I mean I'm not I don't feel like there's a hole in me anymore for years I felt like there was a hole

that you're trying to fill do you know what I mean with bulimia with men with booze with something but there's no hole now I am obviously still

giving the booze a good go but there's no hole in me now I'm whacking I'm whacking the booze, with something. But there's no hell now. I am obviously still giving the booze a good go, but there's no hell in me now. I'm whacking the booze out of it again. Honestly. I am full. My cup is full. That's my friend Dawn who always talks about it. She's like, how's your cup? My cup feels quite full as well, I have to say. Well, it's a little bit, maybe 10% left because I still have that like little fear from the weekend. Yeah. Once I've had a drink. I drank cheap vodka. What's cheap to you though? You probably think Smirnoff is like white label shit.

I wish it was Smirnoff. No, no, no, no, no, no. Supermarket own brand vodka. Because it was the only one I could get. And when I tell you Amber and I were sick on Sunday, like I actually, I could hear people outside talking about going for lunch. And I was like, I don't think I'll be able to get out of bed by then. Like I was so ill

and eventually I dragged myself up at like 11 o'clock in the morning and that's like, I mean, that's like night time for me. I'm not being bad. Are you sure you're not pregnant? No, I'm definitely not. How do you know? Don't even go there. Where's the wood? This sounds like morning sickness to me. I am telling you,

if I drank an expensive vodka, I'm never going cheap on the vodka again because Amber was sick. I was sick. We were vomiting all day. Everyone else who didn't have vodka, fine. I have to show you a video of Amber. Now I can't post this because she's had such a reaction to the chair. So the chair arrived in my house. Oh yeah, okay. The chair. And I said to Amber, go on there and have a go. I had it on level 3 Amber put it on level 1 and it was just the biggest baby this is the Fanny Buzz chair

by the way that we're talking about so where is it? it's in the basement it's in the basement it's ready I need to go use it later watch her now the chair

has arrived right? a level 1 Buzz a level 1 Buzz Amber goes to me right a level one buzz a level one buzz Amber goes to me she's like you're a fan

he's probably on the floor because you've had three babies and I thought that little bitch we know that's not the truth because when I went in and we both went in

you were the one who walked out with a five star review and I was the one who was kept back well I'll tell you what you might after class

yeah yeah remember oh she sauntered out hopped out hopped skipped and jumped was kept back. Well, I'll tell you what, you can... After class. Yeah. Yeah. Remember? Oh, she sauntered out. Hopped out. Hopped, skipped and jumped. Skipped out.

That is a really bad thing that people think about people that have babies. It's not like the baby's like hanging in your vagina for like nine months. He lives up there. It literally opens for a second and closes again.

So what's the plan with the chair? Are you just going to buzz yourself once a day? I don't know. You can only go once a day, but I don't even know if you can do it once a day. I think it might be like once every few days. Yeah. But I'm just going to keep going and see how I go with it and not even ask them. Oh my God, you'll be so tired, Spencer, you won't be

able to get in. That's the point of this. That's the plan. He goes last night, by the way. He was like, we were talking today and he goes, oh, and we were about to get it on last night. And I was like, excuse me? I honestly had earplugs in. I had a face mask on my forehead ready to go down

and I was lying on my side about to go to bed. I was about to go to sleep and he thought that we were about to get it on. That's a consent issue. What planet are you living on? Like, obviously I'm not ready for that. That's not healthy.

What part of this makes you think that I'm ready to be seduced? Exactly. So I popped on my skin colour thong this morning. There's absolutely no way it's happening today either. That'll show.

You wear an eye mask in bed. An eye mask, earplugs, and I have to have white noise. Honestly, I had to wean myself off the earplugs when Spenny went

because I was like, because I have to listen out for the kids or a fire or something like that and I can't have them in. Yeah. I had a bit of a weird one on Saturday.

Oh yeah. I know. I'm really surprised. I don't think I can't imagine it's true. It is true. Who told you it was true? So I could feel it.

So basically I did two shows in the Lowry in Salford right. So I was doing a four o'clock show and an eight o'clock show and I tried to go up the night before because I knew

it was too long a day to get the train up to Manchester and then do the two shows and of course it was in the train station the night before and there was some overhead damage

but it was actually really funny because I was in the bar all the trains were cancelled and I was sitting at a table with these three men and it was kind of like planes, trains and automobiles

because we started talking they all missed their trains as well and we kind of started slowly talking and kind of started slowly talking and kind of telling each other our life stories it was like a play

anyway park that so I had to go up to Manchester the next day so the 4pm show was great crack I had a nice time but then the 8pm show why?

I think it's the toughest one I've had so far on the tour it was me basically it's two shows a day it's too much I kind of blew my load

on the first show yeah second show went out and they were kind of a quiet load on the first show. Yeah. Second show went out and they were kind of a quietish audience, which is fine. Like, do you know what I mean? They, you know, and I was kind of quiet as well.

I'm really surprised that you would even have a quiet audience though. Like I've been there. It's wild. Some audiences are quieter than others. Just the room might be a bit more formal or maybe there's slightly a different type of crowd. I don't know, whatever.

There was still a great audience it was nothing to do with them the mix between them being slightly more like do you know some of the stuff I was saying

I was like they're just not working and they weren't laughing and then what do you do they were laughing at some bits and then other bits

I was like did I not can they not understand me anyway it was just it was one of those gigs I walked off and I was like I want to

pat out my insides do you know what I mean I was like yeah it was one of those so sorry to anyone and I was like, I want to bril out, pat out my insides. Do you know what I mean? I was like, bleh! Yeah, it was one of those. So sorry to anyone in the cell for the 8 o'clock show. It just didn't feel like it was... Like if you're talking about a performance on energy levels, I'd say it was a four.

I felt like I was just walking around up there. Well, that's kind of what you do. You do walk around a lot up there. Yeah, but you perform. Someone actually sent me a picture of just your feet, by the way. What? It was just one of those things I was like oh god

see it was tough it was hard work if that happened to me and they started flopping I'd have to just run away I wouldn't be able to stand there

I couldn't have you ever ran away? does anyone do that? one time the worst gig I've ever had I was supposed to do 20 minutes I did four I was like fuck you

where was that? Peterborough they hated me fuckborough they hated me fuck you they hated me it was horrible it was horrible it was a club gig

that had been booked in about two years ago before lockdown and Rick my UK agent was like you don't have to do it

whatever we'll sack it off and I was like no no no I'm gonna do it I'm gonna do it and it was the worst gig of my life they literally the women in the it I'm gonna do it and it was the worst gig of my life

they literally the women in the front row turned their back on me you know it's horrible yeah it's horrible I don't know how people

can do that but people can be dicks you walk up they decide they just take a dislike into you you don't like what you're wearing you don't know what it is

there's just something something goes wrong you're not the right fit for the room in any sense and the one woman was being really aggro with me she thought I was trying

to ride her boyfriend. I was like, fucking stay out of him as if. But anyway, like, I was like, you're a grant. She was being real territorial

over him. I was like, I'm not fucking twerking up here. Do you know what I mean? You're a grant. And so I was down to 220 and after about four minutes, I was like,

I'm not putting myself through this. And how did you say, did you say, I'm Joanne McNally, goodnight. Yeah, I just said,

I'll leave you there, goodnight. And the MC, because I was supposed to do 20 he was in the room next door and I just put the mic back in the stand and they were like and the MC's running up

running all the way up from the back of the room because of course he didn't know I was going to come off after five minutes I was like I'm not doing

some people would be they'll feel like they have to do their time you know what I mean but I'm like I'm not doing it no you have to be nice to yourself and I also think

that people have to be nicer in general anyway i had some fucking arsehole go for me this weekend on on instagram and it really like it really bothered me it still bothered me today tell us she entered a competition on my page right and like oh i work with different brands and like i can only do what i can do to get people that what they've won and so all the other four people got what they won because they just did. This girl didn't. So she mailed me when I just had Otto

and I was like, oh, fuck, I better sort that out. Like, I feel really bad about that. Sent a message to the person I needed to send a message to. Anyway, they tried to deliver the parcel four times. She was never home. And then she started giving me. So after two more times telling me to chase, I went and did what I had to do.

I went to chase. And after the third time, she obviously got annoyed and she mailed me this like level of abuse saying that like, I don't cater for women who work. Like she's in work. How can she get her parcel?

How am I so thick to send it four times? And that like, I'm a really, I'm a really bad person. And then it shows me in a different light and I'm not in any way relatable and everything I say on Instagram is bullshit. What?

I was just like, I eventually had to say to her, I was like, you realise that I haven't done anything wrong here? Like, I'm not the company that's meant to be sending you that. I've chased it.

We all work during the day. The parcel comes, the little letter comes in and then you have to go down to the post office and collect it. It's a pain in the hell but it's the reality of modern life. I know.

Otherwise it gets sent back and we have to send it four times and now it's going to be going on to the fifth. Long may your competitions last, Vogue. I've always enjoyed them. I love a competition. I always get my prizes. Anything I've entered and won, I've always gotten my

prizes. Joanne always will get a prize or some kind of surprise from me. Always gotten my prizes. I feel very flat today. You don't look flat. You look great. No, sorry. I feel very flat.

No, I know you said flat. I know you said flat. But it's like, look, we've all put on a couple of pounds. I think you look great. I said flat. But you also look slender, OK? Yeah, I feel flat today, Jo.

How do you feel? I'm going to glass debris, so great.? I feel flat today, Joe. How do you feel? I'm going to glass debris, so great. Feel, feel flat. That's how you feel next Monday, hon. I was saying to Joe, I was like,

are you not even going to take a little hallucinogenic? He's not going to take anything. Just points for a week. Do you think I believe that for a second? I think you're trying to maintain an air

of professionalism with us. Oh, yeah. He's not going to. All right. Well, let's see. Lager. Not even a helium balloonager not even a helium balloon not even a balloon

oh come on Jo if I could take that gas and air from hospital that's the helium balloon stuff I mean where do I sign up wouldn't get me

off the stuff that's one of the reasons I will get pregnant just get my hands on that air and gas it's the best part of giving birth the best part

and I just pretend I'm like oh I feel oh I've got a contraction I need the gas and air now I haven Honestly, it's the best part of giving birth. The best part. And I just pretend. I'm like, oh, I feel, oh, I've got a contraction. I need the gas and air now. I haven't even gotten into the room. I'm like, oh, you better give me the gas and air. I'm sure you could organise

having gas and air in your house. If you've got fizzy water coming out of your tap, I'm sure there's a way you could organise it. You've got a Kegelshire in your basement. You could definitely,

you could put a maternity ward in your basement. Yeah, how do I not have the gas and air? Well, my friend gave birth at home and she bought do I not have the gas and air well my friend gave birth at home and she bought herself a canister of gas and air

and legally they have to take it away yeah I know so she bought it didn't use it and they just took the whole lot away hold on

how can you take air away well you're not it's gas it's more gassy the air is just the bit that you're sucking in from like the natural surroundings

it's like pumping morphine into yourself really isn't it sucking morphine i haven't done that i have done that actually when i got my knee done that was actually not so bad either the gas and air though i uh i remember when i was in i was up in york and i fell off the horse i had to get like 13 stitches and i was in there and i was so high when she was like cleaning out my cut i was on amazon trying to buy it because i thought you could just buy it and the nurse was like you can't buy it I was like

Amazon will have it they have everything what about balloon shops if you owned a balloon shop you could buy some have you ever done helium balloons no no no

what is it not helium balloons what is it like the cream it comes from cream the balloons the gas balloons

yeah I don't want to be sucking on a balloon I'd rather be more classy balloons that the gas balloon... Nitrous oxide. Yeah. I don't want to be sucking on a balloon. I'd rather be more classy and get the gas and air from hospital. Yeah, I mean, yeah. Giving birth sucking on a balloon would look absolutely outrageous. Actually, that'd be a great crack.

That'd be so funny. I've brought my own balloons. What did you pack in your hospital bag? Sucking a balloon animal while you're giving birth. Chewing on the tail of a balloon poodle. Poor Gigi came home with one of those balloon dogs.

They bumped into this a clown that she goes to this I love the word clown as well. I love calling someone a clown. Clown, I love it. Absolute clown. Yeah. She arrived home at one

and she got so excited when she came in to show me that it burst was there anything in it I remember going to the circus as a kid and we'd have those balloons with the beans in it

yeah you can still get them yeah with the huge big you bounce them with the elastic band and I burst it on the the wall coming out from Fawcett Circus

they're still going God I haven't been to the circus they've no elephants or anything anymore what to the circus. There are no elephants or anything anymore. What could the circus be anymore? It's just a gymnasium basically in a tent, no? You can't choose animals anymore.

Clowns. Clowns, yeah, I mean. I know I'll have to go to a circus at some point with Theodore and Gigi. You can go to clowning college. Did you know that? I'd actually love to do it.

Clown school. Clown school. Don't need to. You already are one. I'd love to get better at the clowning as my mother says. The clowning. The clowningown school. Don't need to. You already are one. I do have to get better at the clowning as my mother says. The clowning.

The clowning. Yeah, stop clowning around. You're clowning it so you can't. Oh, by the way, a little bit of a correction corner. My mother's very upset

that I've been telling people that I've got syphilis. So someone came up to her and asked her. Somebody told on you. Somebody asked if I,

does Joanne actually have syphilis? So, correction, it wasn't syphilis, it was rosacea. So she's like, Joanne, can you please clear that up that you don't actually

have syphilis? And thank you to Dr. Storm for sorting me out with my meds. Why, it's just rosacea? How did you get rosacea meds? Your nose does look good today. Yeah, it's much better.

It was really bad. Really bad. How did you just pick that up? I don't know. I think pick that up I don't know I think just because I don't know what's going on I think I'm kind of

falling apart from the inside out but I've never had rosacea before I can't believe someone went up to your mom and said has Joanne got syphilis yeah it's a true Joanne has syphilis now

Sophie my ex-housemate she's a sexual psychologist and she was saying she has said syphilis is on the rise it's on it's back baby syphilis is back

syphilis is back I was talking to Spenny about what you said about the Raya app. God, it took a long time to try and allow him to understand what I meant. And he said he'd get rid of his. Well, of course he would because he's married with 12 kids.

I said I wouldn't. Last week's pod when we said that you and Peter had put Rhea into a folder yeah and I said it to Sven I was like what would you do and he was like go get rid of it

and then after a while when I said I would keep it he said okay well then I'd just follow your lead don't want to get rid of that stuff come on no it's important

the amount of people asking me to recommend them for Rhea I have no power over on Rhea I've tried to recommend several people none of them have got on do you know there's a new one called Thursdays

and you can only ask people out on a date on a Thursday. It's great. I like it. It's kind of, it gives it, because the problem with date naps is you've so much choice.

But if there's a sense of urgency there, you're more likely to act. So if your sense of urgency is on a Thursday, it kind of, I get that it's like a surge. You know what I mean? You're like,

today's the day. Yeah, I think Thursday's a good night to go out in the piss because loads of people do office jobs and I always think it's better to be hung over on someone else's time, not your own. Oh, it's such a pro. It's such a good, honestly.

I swear to God. If I have a job the next day, you can be sure I'll be hung over. What do you think I'm doing now? Dying. Dying. I finished off the cheap vodka last night. You totally swapped places.

I love this. Amber was so in bits. She was way worse than me. She couldn't even get out of bed. And then it reminded me of a time when we were in Spain and Amber, like my parents don't really love

when Amber gets in any way kind of drunk. Well, she drank two bottles of champagne on Christmas Day. And then on December 26, when she woke up, she was so hungover, vomiting all day

and she tried to claim food poisoning. I'm like, Amber, we all ate the same shit yeah yeah yeah you do not have food poisoning there's nothing worse if I got hangovers I probably wouldn't drink

the fact that I don't get hangovers it's a problem because there's no consequences to my actions I actually feel like I get less hungover because I have the kids

because I have to be up with them so I have to be doing stuff and I think if you get up and get out and do something you feel way better than if you just like I just used to die in bed and like I'd order even a breakfast takeaway. I'd have three takeaways a day just festering in my bed.

I know. I've had those high hours where the bed's covered in ketchup by 10am. Oh, it's disgusting. It's gross. I know. And oil. I think I used to smoke in bed sometimes. A hundred percent. You'd wake up, jambon, breakfast, ralphag. A jambon. You'd be like, why do I feel like shit?

I have to, I have to vlog my tour dates although this is a terrible episode to be doing it. We've talked about what? Oh, tour dates. Some of the dates

are selling very well for October but the ones that need help, like Sheffield's selling so badly it feels like they're trying to make a point. Do you know what I mean? Like, help, like Sheffield's selling so badly it feels like they're trying to make a point. Do you know what I mean?

Like, I get it Sheffield. You hate me. But like, if you could just put that aside. It's quite interesting. Maybe she's not for the Northern market. Well.

Maybe you're a Southern girl. Well, Poole isn't selling either and that's insane. Sheffield, Liverpool, Playhouse, the new one's gone on sale. And Birmingham. Birmingham, what have I done to you? What have I done to you? Let's, tell me Sheffield Liverpool Playhouse the new one's gone on sale and Birmingham Birmingham

what have I done to you what have I done to you let's tell me so we can clear the air I'm in the hippodrome there so what the hell is a hippodrome is that one of those places where you go cycling

around in a circle one of those things what is it what's a hippodrome yeah I thought I'd spice things up you'd just be in the centre and everyone has to just try and stay up

I'm on a BMX I'm clowning myself in on a penny farthing going round to the track Cambridge and Cardiff also I'm sorry for whatever I'm sorry for whatever

went on between us but trust me I am sorry I'm doing about 40 dates in October so how are you doing 40

in October stop listen I'm on I'm literally that's not fair actually that's, listen. I'm on, I'm literally. That's not fair actually. That's my birthday month. I'm on the verge. You should have discussed this with me first.

That's my birthday month. Birthday month. Yeah. I actually, I didn't have a birthday last year, so I'm having a month this year. Are you? Mm-hmm. Oh, that'd be nice.

You'll be in Jersey relaxing. No, I probably won't be to be fair. I'll be here working I'd say. I'm kind of done with work. I'm kind of looking at retirement now. Is that right? No, no. I'm just so. I'm kind of looking at retirement now. Is that right? No, no. I'm just so...

I'm actually bored you'd get so quickly. Huh? I'd be so bored so fast. I reckon I could... Yeah. You'd definitely get bored. And your lifestyle would catch up with you. Well, once this tour is done,

I will leave the pod tour then. Yeah. So, do you want... And then you'll probably have to have another tour for the next show. You're kind of right. I won't be touring again. I won't be doing a stand-up tour again for my three years. Nah, that's not true then you'll probably have to have another tour for the next show. You're going to ride. I won't be touring again. I won't be doing a stand-up tour again

for my three years. Nah, that's not true. Really? Totally. I'm sorry. I know it's your job, but that makes me really happy. No, 100%.

This tour is, it's like, you know, sizable. Well, you know, in fairness, it's been absolutely amazing. It's been amazing. I want to go on the piss

with all the girls on your tour. Honestly. There's so much crack. Do you know what we can do the girls on your tour. Honestly, if you were doing, do you know what we can do when you finish your tour? We can go to Jersey. Oh! Jo, honestly, I have this.

Like, I don't even want Spencer to hear how obsessed I am with Jersey, but it is. What a place. What a place. What a place. It looks like you're in France

the whole time on your Insta stories. 20 minutes to France on a boat, isn't it? Jesus, we could paddle that. All we need is a bit of a canoe. We could do that ourselves.

I think you'll love it because it's so quiet. It's so chilled. There's a massive cliff walk. It's just, it's honestly, and like, oh, this is everything you need. I can't wait to go. It's just about when I can go. I can't wait to go.

I would almost start believing in astrology because I'm in a really weird mood this week. I keep saying I'm just, I feel flat. You seem less erratic. That's not a bad thing. Not fat, flat. Flat. You're like, no, your tits look great.

Oh, yeah, I wish I was flat again. Honestly, I got this really gorgeous dress and I went to put it on there that it didn't fit me because I actually have boobs for once. I spoke to a clinic about getting your boobs threaded. I was on to,

it's an Evoca clinic in Ireland because they messaged me once. To get your boobs threaded? You told me to get my tits threaded. Yeah, I know, I know. I don't think that you need to get your tits threaded. You see, I'm kind of trying to figure out

how to gift myself something for my 40th. Like, would you not buy yourself a nice bag or something? No, I want boobs. You want actual boobs? Yeah, but... You do it and then I'll see how you get on. But your boobs are perfect. Are you insane?

When you see my boobs after breastfeeding, it's just these like little sad nipples hanging off. It's terrible. It's actually a terrible sight. Yeah. And my nipples aren't even like normal anymore they hang down I love huge nipples anyway

I was on to a Vogue they were on to me and then I was on to them and I was like Vogue suggested getting them threaded and she was really nice she was Vogue's sending me in

to get my tits threaded she says we can't do any photo shoot until my tits are higher and she was like don't get them threaded. It's really obvious when you get them threaded you can see the threads.

Yeah, because it's not obvious when you have implants. And I don't want tits like a patchwork quilt. So I was like, right, I'll hold off. No, but I'd get a really discreet, just a, I'd get a baby implant. I have seen people with good implants that you wouldn't know that they have implants.

But I don't know, like the recovery, it's a bit shit. Only because I've done like all those 9,000 shows on like plastic surgery it just looks a bit painful like fucking do you know what I mean

how come like all the Americans they all just they all get nose jobs and boob jobs and you never see them rocking around in bandages they just discreetly

go away supposedly they're all getting brow lifts like the 20 year olds and that's why like you know the way you're like oh yeah let's snatch,

snatch your makeup, like Sue does, snatches your makeup. Yeah. It's not snatching your makeup, it's a brow lift. Oh yeah, but you can snatch your face with makeup as well.

I do a little bit of snatching, but there's not enough snatching. I don't know how to snatch. I don't know how to snatch. I put on makeup and make my face look rounder. I don't know how I ended up doing that. Oh, a snatch.

Sorry, Jo. A snatch is like you can make your eyes lift up and your mouth lift up and you do it around your nose so your face looks lifted. Pointy. Yeah, so your features

kind of small. It makes you look like one of those filters on Instagram basically. There's one filter in particular and I feel like if I was to get anything done I'd bring that in

and show them and be like, listen, that's what I want to look like. They're all doing that. They're all bringing in filters and the doctors are like I can't make your face like that you don't

that is not your face you need a transplant well give me the transplant I was watching oh speaking of which did you see this there was a guy

terrible yeah there was a heart transplant the heart was being flown from somewhere to somewhere else and the chopper crashed and the heart like so the doctor the chopper the chopper crashed but they managed to save the heart was being flown from somewhere to somewhere else and the chopper crashed and the heart

like so the doctor the chopper the chopper crashed but they managed to save the heart in the box and they gave it to the doctor and he ran

and he dropped it at the beside the burnt chopper I was like five second reel five second reel can you like

imagine imagine getting a heart transplant and it's got bits of tarmac and stone stuck in it and all surely they could still reuse it could they remember when you cut your knee and there's got bits of tarmac and stone stuck in it and all. Surely they could still reuse it, could they?

Remember when you cut your knee and there'd be bits of like gravel cutting it? Imagine. Ah, you'd totally use it. Five second real. I reckon, I reckon,

no, honestly, I wonder if they could have used it. I take a, I would take a heart that's been on the ground rather than no heart. Ah, yeah, just wash it down.

Me too, it'd be grand. Just like brush it off a little bit. You could zip in with your Brillo pad for heart. Yeah, me too. Just wash it down. Me too, it'd be grand. Just like brush it off a little bit. You could zip in with your Brillo pad. Yeah, I'd get it sorted. That's never going to end anyway, is it? No, never? Never the Brillo pad thing?

I'd love to see you with a heart. You're like, bang, and the dirt is gone. And then like putting the heart in yourself. I'd use fairy on it. What was I going to say to you? But I did a call out for the biggest fail for this. I want to read it. First of all, I'd going to say to you? But I did a call out for the biggest fail for this. I want to read it.

First of all, I'd like to say that if I die, I will give my heart to somebody right there. You know it now. I've said it. Someone can have my heart, not my eyes,

just not my eyes. I give everything. I would give everything. Take it all. Okay, well, this girl, I did a call out for the biggest fail when you posted that.

A lot of people actually said, said husband, marrying my husband, which would suggest it's the current one. And I thought, actually said, said husband, marrying my husband, which would suggest it's the current one. And I thought, oh no, that's quite sad. That's what we like

on this podcast, sadness. Yeah. More sadness, please, Vogue. Someone else, I fell over at a phone party and knocked out my two front teeth.

What a nightmare. When I first knocked out my two front teeth, it was actually eight teeth. I told you that. I knocked eight out at one time. It was hideous.

Yeah, but look at you now now you've got the best teeth in the world they're like tombstones the size of them that's my dentist he's absolutely fantastic oh there's loads of these like in church

were you ever an altar girl? I never got to be one well I never actually tried I always just looked at them and thought I'd like to do that yeah it was great but why would you want to do that? you do it for free on a Sunday

do they not even give you like a tip from their little basket? because mass was so bloody boring that it was actually more want to do that? You do it for free on a Sunday. Do they not even give you like a tip from their little basket? Because mass was so bloody boring that it was actually more interesting to be actually kind of wagging a cat bell full of incense and all that jazz. Well, this girl was an altar girl and she dropped the Holy Eucharist twice bringing it to a priest.

Five second rule. Five second rule. I agree. There's not a lot that I wouldn't eat off the ground to be honest. I think we know now it's not actually Jesus' body. Oh my God. Do you know what's so weird? Sorry to interrupt you. I'm trying to learn about Jesus at the ground, to be honest. Like, I think we know now it's not actually Jesus' body. Oh, my God. Do you know what's so weird? Sorry to interrupt you. I'm trying to learn about Jesus at the moment.

Don't ask me why. I just saw... I just spent so much time on trains. I might as well use this time well and try and learn, you know. About Jesus. About Jesus. So it's this big National Geographic... The Bible's quite a large book. No, not the Bible.

God, I need to... I want the cliff notes. But so I bought the National Geographic. It's a whole edition about Jesus, the man himself. So I'm reading it. I'm trying to get through it. The most interesting thing so far, all I've written down under my Jesus notes is

Jesus was born in a trough. So you know the manger? The manger was a trough. It was a feeding trough for pigs. Oh my God, yeah. It looks like a trough. Yeah, they've called it a manger to kind of dress it up or whatever.

But it was a full-blown trough. Tell us your top five things about Jesus. Well, he was born in a trough for pigs. Oh my God, yeah. It looks like a trough. Yeah, they've called it a manger to kind of dress it up or whatever. But it's a full-blown trough. Tell us your top five things about Jesus. Well, he was born in a trough. Yeah. What else have you learned on the train? That Mary was only about 14 at the time. Jesus. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And that she'd been promised to someone else. Poor Mary. And that actually, Jesus was all about kindness. Well, I think we knew that. Christianity,

there was this new thing. It wasn't just about like not killing your neighbour and stuff. It was like, don't just not kill him. Be sound to him. So it was like

in a different, it was be sound. That was Jesus' language. Let's all go the Jesus route. Let's be sound to each other. Yeah. Hop, yabaya.

Jesus. Theodore is like now fascinated about God. And I'm sound to each other. Yeah. Hop, yabaya. Jesus. Theodore is like now fascinated about God and I'm like, I don't know enough to tell you. Like, I can't remember.

It's like Irish. I've forgotten it since I left school. Well, I'm doing, this is why I'm doing this. And I'm not religious. You can come over as a godmother

and teach my kids about Jesus. I'll bring over the National Geographic and read to him from that. He would love that. The aim of the National Geographic and read to him from that. He would love that. The aim of the National Geographic, the Jesus edition,

is to kind of bring Christians together. I don't even know. I'm not even Christian. But I am culturally Catholic. Like, if there's turbulence, I'll pray if I think I'm going to die. But apart from that, I really couldn't give a fuck.

Or if I've lost something, I'll hit St. Anthony straight up. Oh, Anthony! Is Anthony there? I've lost one of the kids. Down the back of the couch. It is terrible when you just do that. I used to like,

I used to say prayers every night and I'd be like, look after my dad. That's how, like it was only about 10 years ago and I was still saying prayers. Look after this. And if you could make me win the lottery

or do that. And like asking for just shit that I just want. Really self-serving stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't say you believe in Jesus and you're telling me you don't believe in ghosts

last week but Jesus was a man that existed so I'm just trying to learn about him as a man do you want to hear one more fail yes

couldn't fit this all in the box but my biggest fail was getting asked to go on a date of a Wednesday and replying is it not your mom's birthday on Wednesday

only to realise he had never actually told me that that was just information I learnt after I stalked his family's birthday on Wednesday? Only to realize he had never actually told me that. That was just information I learned after I stalked his family's page on Facebook. Scarlet. When you go too deep into the stalk and then you get caught,

it's the absolute worst. You got to be very careful. Very careful what you let people know that you already know. I had a dream the other night, right? You were late for the pod. Oh my God, and you were late again today. I'm like Nostradamus.

It's a vision. It's a vision, yeah. Do you know how upset I feel when I'm late? Like, that's why I'm texting you guys to tell you where I am. I'm at Pixie Lily Circus. I'm on Oxford. Like, it winds me up so bad.

I know, I don't have to be late either. But I'm basically Mystic McNally now because, anyway, I had this dream that you were late. So I was like, look, I'll do it myself because I have to go somewhere, blah, blah, either. But I'm basically Mystic McNally now because anyway, I had this dream that you were late. So I was like, look, I'll do it myself because I have to go somewhere, blah, blah, blah.

So I did the podcast and then Boris Johnson listened to it and was like, it's a disgrace. You can't do anything on your own. You're going to have to re-record it. You have to wait for the vote.

What were you watching with Boris? I don't know. I also had a dream last night that I was getting bread with a ferret. That's like, it must be because you were thinking of me. Getting bread with a ferret. That's like, it must be because you were thinking of me.

Getting bread with a ferret? Well, because we were talking about ferrets there not recently. Were we? Yeah, ferrets. On Las Ramblas. And Batalona.

That's, oh my God, that's so weird. Yeah, so it must have come from thinking about me. Dreams are insane, the kind of stuff that you'll dream about. I hate really scary dreams

where you have to wake yourself up but then like you fall back asleep and you go back into the dream. I was reading about Billie Eilish the other day and she suffers from really bad sleep paralysis. What are you laughing at, Jo?

We're reading about Jesus and Billie Eilish. Yeah. I have a lot of time on trains. A lot of time. I wouldn't be able to read that kind of crap. I like... Crap! It was the Sunday able to read that kind of crap. I like...

Crap? It was the Sunday Times. It was an amazing interview. My dream... Do you know the Sunday Times have a section at the start where two people who have a relationship,

they're kind of related or like, say, us, they kind of talk about each other? I really want us to do that. My dream is to be in the Sunday Times. Spenny and I did that. I know. Can you believe

they even wanted us in there? You don't even like him that much. What a waste. Spenny and I have been getting on so well lately. Who can I do it with? No, we'll do it together now. You've already done it.

You've blown your beans. They're not going to have you back. No, I haven't. I haven't. That's a husband-wife thing. The next one will be a friend thing. Maybe I'll just try

and do it myself. If you did it with somebody else, I'd honestly be annoyed, by the way. Don't you dare pick someone else off the street. If anyone's listening, this is Sanjo. I saw you guys. What? I'd love to be in the same house.

I saw you got your suitcases. Oh my God, shout out to Rock. Look at the size of this house. It's like a fridge. It's the size of a fridge they're actually good because they're so light unreal

thank you so much Rock thank you so much somebody else actually mailed me offering you a suitcase I'll take it as well I mean you can never have enough suitcases

listen do you know who didn't mail you Samsonite I know I'm not powerful enough you're not their brand I'm not powerful enough

who's running Samsonite these days clowns clown what a joke shop I don't agree with her statement by the way

okay and I love my Samsonites that I was sent you're a brand's wet dream not really I told you this I'm more an acquired taste

remember what Daniela Westbrook did to Burberry have we spoken about that before no Daniela Westbrook single handedly Bet dream. Not really. I told you this. I'm more an acquired taste. Remember what Daniela Westbrook did to Burberry? Have we spoken about that before? No. Daniela Westbrook single-handedly drove Burberry

into the ground. Remember that iconic photo, that famous photo where she was head to toe on Burberry, her child was in Burberry and she was in a Burberry buggy

and Burberry were like, we can't stop people wearing, it went full-blown chav. Do you not remember this? I love a bit of Burberry, actually. It went full-blown chav. Do you not remember this? I love a bit of Burberry, actually. It went full-blown chav and they had to kind of, they disappeared.

Remember, Burberry are gone. Burberry did go downhill. All the drug dealers and all were wearing Burberry hats. So it became like the kind of, the kind of uniform of the chavs and Burberry, like there's nothing we can do.

They kind of stopped that Burberry print too much. So Burberry were like, they, Daniela Westbrook basically like destroyed us. Is that what they said? They said that she actually, oh my God, how embarrassing would that be?

They spoke about it. I don't think she gives a shit. She actually recreated the photo again recently. Go on, Daniela. She's like, fuck you, Burberry. Hey, Joanne. I've just landed in Italy and I felt I had to share.

I had downloaded the most recent episode to listen to on my plane journey. I was very comfortable just sipping on my space sack out when you got to the part about people taking their shoes off on flights and Vogue insisting it was hideous and not the norm. Horrified and feeling personally attacked while looking down on my bare feet. I felt

utterly ashamed. I quietly slipped my sandals back on. Glad the man sitting in the same row was asleep. I was with you thinking it was fine. It's absolutely, I'm sorry, it is absolutely unacceptable. Joanne, do you know what I was thinking about? I was thinking about you the other day

when I was outside and the kids were in the paddling pool. Where's your paddling pool? Remember you got a paddling pool? Yeah. It must be in the shed or something. Heatwave Henry is on route it's this week that's why I thought of you

and also mine burst so I was going to ask you first yeah you can have it I'll dig it out for you Heatwave Henry it isn't in Manchester because I got on the train

in London the other day sweltering I basically got on wearing half nothing landed in Manchester and I was like oh I looked like an idiot I looked like an idiot.

I looked like one of those saps in the airport who's dressed for the beach in Dublin Airport. Like they're going to fly and literally land on the beach in Benidorm. They're swanning around in a sarong

in the airport in December. With a bucket and spade. You're like, you're a grand woman. What are you doing? I'm telling you, when I'm travelling, I have to wear like a full

track suit with an extra blanket. I find planes freezing. They are freezing. have you heard about this thing called revenge travel no it's one of these kind of buzz terms now

so I was they're talking about how you need an airport suit but so everyone's going to so basically you're getting your

own back on COVID because you haven't got to travel so in so long it's called revenge travel I was like this is peak bullshit I don't get it what

so you have to wear something fancy no sorry so they're two separate things so like are you planning to revenge travel. I was like, this is peak bullshit. I don't get it. What? So you have to wear something fancy? No, sorry. So they're two separate things. So like, are you planning to revenge travel this summer? Then you need an airport suit. Oh, God. So of course, obviously, you'd be like,

I need an airport suit! I need an airport suit! I used to... I got fitted for a tux. Imagine wearing a tux in Freddemange and Gatwick Airport. I used to get really dressed up for the airport. I used to wear heels to the airport.

Now, when I was like 18 or 19, because I'd be worried about who I might see. And if I was traveling to London, somewhere so cool because I'd be worried about who I might see and if I was travelling to London somewhere so cool I'd be like wearing my best clothes ever. Yeah it is nice

to get dressed up for the airport now I mean Jesus at this stage now I'm barely dressed. I'm just happy you don't have that purple suitcase.

Did you manage to throw it out or were you able to part with it? I don't actually know where it is now. I think it's in Dublin. I think Peter's

put an end to that. So I did a shout out for Leaving So Stories because for the season that's in Dublin. I think Peter's put an end to that. So I did a shout out for Leaving Sir Stories for the season that's in it and then didn't screen grab them. So I don't have all of them, but I asked them to resend them. So they're tinkering back in. But I loved this.

Girl puked all over her junior cert maths mock paper and on the back of the chair in front. Smell was violent. We were getting our papers back with the results. She asked where hers was and the teacher just looked at her shook her head and

said I'm sorry there was nothing I could do. That is absolutely disgusting. There's actually nothing worse than the smell of puke.

Gigi is a car puker and Theodore started crying because we were coming home last time we were coming home from Jersey she vomited everywhere and

Theodore started crying. The smell mommy the smell. I was like I know it's in my hands. because we were coming home last time we were coming home from Jersey she vomited everywhere and Theodore started crying the smell mummy the smell I was like I know it's in my hands oh god sick

listen to this so my Leaving Cert Irish oral exam I wasn't the best at Irish but was giving higher a go praying I'd pass mid oral I ended up chatting

about something I had no clue about started making up words by throwing fathers on English well done that it was that bad the examiner started touching at me and at one point started banging her head off the table chatting about something I had no clue about, started making up words by throwing fathers on English. Well done that. It was that bad, the examiner started touching at me

and at one point started banging her head off the table repeatedly. So I got up left, put in an official complaint and ended up with an automatic pass. Shut up.

Banging her head off the table. Here's another one. If you had to work in a school? I think I would have liked to have been a teacher. Oh my God. My auntie was my year ahead and honestly, we didn't speak properly for at least three years after I left school. I think I would have liked to have been a teacher. Oh my God. My auntie was my year ahead

and honestly, we didn't speak properly for at least three years after I left school. I used to walk out and she'd follow me and I'd be like, sorry Naomi,

my dad gave me a note and I'd just keep walking and she'd be like, I know he didn't. And I'd be like, it's signed. That's a ballsy move on your part.

I was going good in school. Well, was I? How about my moments? But I wasn't that good because I obviously had to leave Dorky. But anyway, loads of the stories were about girls

going out the night before their exams the mad little bastards oh I'd never have done that here's a funny one hello regarding exam stories I brought a piece of paper with cheat notes on it

into my leaving cert German exam years ago saw the teacher catching me cheating and she proceeded to dart over to me panicking I shoved the piece of paper

into my mouth in front of the whole of sixth year in the exam hall she started shouting at me to open my mouth I stood there with my jaws clenched fuck that

when she finally asked me I had to put the note into my mouth I answered no at the same time accidentally spat out the note when answering her everyone saw

I still cringe luckily I said the note was a ball of gross spit and despite her best efforts I was not penalised for cheating she only got a C though I would literally

suffocate on the paper if it meant not getting caught. But that's a rookie move. You're meant to write in your legs. What do you think they're for? What do you think

your legs are for guys? Your legs are for cheating and that's it. Myself and my best mate loved fireworks nightclub in Dublin back in the day and used to go at least three to four nights a week.

Fireworks? Do you remember fireworks? No. The night before our leaving cert began we were in there until 2am. Cut to the following morning.

Where are the parents? That's what I want to know. Cut to the following morning of the first paper and my mate was outside crying her eyes out hung over to bits on her phone

about to call a bomb threat into the garage to stop it from going out. She faked fainting in the end and got out of it. We both passed in the end and got out of it. We both passed in the end and celebrated in a firework.

I think the leaving cert is the worst thing to happen to kids. It's just so unfair. Even if you're really clever for the whole year and then you

have to go in and do those exams. I know, they're really tough. You're a bit. So this girl, she goes, oh, and I said when I originally

asked for stories about exams, she goes, do you mean doctor? Anyway, she ended up telling me about a smear test, which, you know, wasn't really the memo, but everyone's right for me. Get your smears. She goes, I'm hoping you mean doctor exams or this is weird. Anyway, the first time I had a smear, the nurse whacked out a poster of George Clooney and stuck it on the wall next to me head and told me to look at it while she was doing the procedure.

What? I don't know if the intention was for me to think it was him down there. Anyway, it was weird. Love the pot. Oh my God. I remember I was getting a smear for one of the first times

and they were like, do you mind if the student comes in and watches? And I was like, well, I suppose she's got to learn. Three people walked in

so I had four people standing there. Yeah, four while I was getting a smear test. Ah, come on now. That's like like an orgy that's a bit much it's a bit much it was it was actually yeah the most people I've ever had a sexual experience with me in that room and that is it for our main episode of My Therapist's Guestly. Thank you for listening and please send your emails to hello at mtgmpod.com. Bye.