My Therapist Ghosted Me - Flying A Plane, Wearing a Croc & Rating Yourself

Episode Date: June 3, 2022

Vogue & Joanne were able to link up between Edinburgh & Jersey this week, because NOTHING gets in the way of a therapy session. This week, Joanne has some interesting theories about being a pilot and Vogue has a plan to work with BIG brands in the future! If you'd like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThank you!

Do we do an intro anymore? I can't even remember now. We do a little bit of a one. We do a little bit of a one, but not... Joe used to put a lot of effort into that. Now that he's not here. Emma is with us today. Joe's fucked off and got married. And Joe was really proud of that. You took it away from him. It was too high energy. I wouldn't cross, I wouldn't cross, Joanne. Whatever she says, I'll just go for it. Go on. It says you're one. Joanne, you are the bossy one.

You're the dictator. You're the you're the fuhrer. Okay, fuhrer. Okay, Stalin. Sure. Shut up now. they're the only dictators we know we've run out we can't keep

going with the virus as well no Saddam Saddam I can keep going come on bitch Tony Blair

wasn't he one Bertie Bertie was our dictator no Charlie Hawley was our dictator we ran the country into the ground

I'm quoting my mother I wasn't alive at the time but apparently that's what happened he loved a brain envelope but you what happened but I was alive but I wasn't involved in politics he loved a brain envelope but you know what if I was a politician

I think I'd love a brain envelope Jesus Ireland was like there was a storm in Easton that's how stationary shopping went I have to go into the cultural difference

there was envelopes flying around the place the country was built on them do you know what it would have been like their communion day every day just being handed these envelopes left on who's. The country was built on them. Do you know what? It would have been like their communion day every day just being handed

these envelopes left on. Who's going to say no to that? You want to build there in that lovely, stunning field? Go for it. Do it. Cut those trees down. Maybe that's why

Ireland was kind of so acceptable of corruption because we were watching communions and confirmations where people were handing out money in envelopes. We were raised on it from children.

Do you get money for you do get money for confirmations because i just gave my nephew money for his confirmation so you get how much how much is it going right these days i gave him 50 that's a nice number you have to be the same dance but now you can't ever go lower than that so if you see him every few months you gotta hit him with a 50 well they they got very lucky the last day they came up to the house and i'd had a couple of drinks and obviously because i'm not around and i'm not around that much so when i'm there I overcompensate so I walked the two of them

up to the ATM machine and they cleared me out. Never take them to something like that. I'm like, remember this now, okay? It's your auntie Joanne.

It's 2022 and she's seven. Okay? I took my niece shopping. Now she's six or seven. It's Jeannie Seven.

She's seven. And I took her shopping and I was like, Grant, we'll go into Penny's. We'll go to Claire's Claire's accessories I swear to god she did me for 250 euro I thought I'm never ever going shopping again how do you spend 250 euro in a Claire's accessories you must need a van to get out well she took me into River Island and she wanted the grown-up jewelry and I'm thinking and then I had to just stop her and I was like oh god they don't have your size and then I was like I'll be smart about it and I was buying her a dress for her birthday

then and I said I'll go on to next so I'll buy her a dress and I went on to next well she chooses the dress it's 80 quid by the time we were finished I was back up at 180 again I was like oh jeez Jeannie actually they don't have your size that's the only thing you can say listen she didn't lick it off a stone folks she. She didn't lick it off a stone. I've never known for you to go for the cheap option. She knows she's getting it for free. Why not? Am I?

Of course she is. Do you know who I'm surprised by? Amber, right? She had that wedding. Do you remember the wedding? Yeah. Did you see any of the videos from the wedding?

Well, she was jumping into, she showed me the one where she just handed someone a glass of champagne, then just jumped into a bush. In my dress. So she chose two dresses of mine. Now, I have loads of high street dresses that are absolutely amazing and dresses from my collection that Joanne will never get her hands on.

Oh, no. Oh, yeah. Fuck you. I don't like, I don't want to wear a floral purse to lunch. Thank you. Look, look what I have today. See? This is my new messy nagle. name oh oh no but i am not getting

no you're no no no you can't now this isn't it's not like if you don't deserve me at my floral you know if you don't what is the saying if you don't like me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best if you don't like me in my floral um wraparounds you're not getting my lucy nagel club that's not fair this is this I'm afraid no Lucy would probably send you something anyway without my knowledge Amber anyway so she she borrowed three dresses for the wedding all of which were over 300 pounds dresses that I looked after and I really liked and then I see all these things of her jumping in a bush and then she waltzes out with my yellow dress and there's all black all down the back foot after being washed.

And she's like, well, it's not my fault. Someone obviously spilled a drink down the back of me. I'm like, you're never touching my shit again. Only Amber would wear a £300 dress to a wedding and come home with brambles in it. Like, I've never known anyone else to come home with grass stains up the back of their dress. What are you, 14? Was it your debs? Like, come on.

She does. But I was kind of surprised at the stuff she was choosing. I like god she really does she has an eye on it she wouldn't go for anything cheap and then for her birthday she took something else expensive I was like this isn't gonna continue actually you're gonna have to go down the cheap route there in my wardrobe she will not be wearing any of my expensive stuff when she's getting lily to the titty because that's all she does it was the handing over of the glass of champagne. It was the intention for me. It was the like,

look what I'm about to do. Look at me, look at me, like launch myself into a tree. A grown woman at a wedding just like launching herself around the place. And that was after her nap.

She woke up drunk and then she went to sleep. Yeah, well that happens. That does tend to happen. Yeah, it does happen. Yeah, it hits you. It's the gravity. That wedding,

that wedding, I've never seen anything like it. People does happen. Yeah, it hits you. It's the gravity. But that wedding, that wedding, I've never seen anything like it. People were sent home left, right and center and they all just kept coming back. They'd go home, have a snooze and try and come back

into the wedding. But like the bride and groom had to send people home. I'd love to have gone. It's right up my street. It's the day drinking. There's just... It can be a bit much sometimes.

You missed, now, another day drinking. Go on. It's two weeks in a row. You've dumped me. You said you'd love to go day drinking with me. Dumped me. Go on. It's two weeks in a row. You've dumped me. You said you'd love to go day drinking with me. Dumped me. You missed Amber's birthday.

Do you know what though? Best decision I ever made. So that was on the Sunday, wasn't it? Yeah. Yeah, it was the Sunday. So on the Monday, I was back on the road again, going to Barcelona. I'm in Edinburgh, Cheltenham, Newcastle, blah, blah, blah. Then I'm going to Barcelona for a week.

So I had to pack for four days. Like, do you know what I mean? I had to pack for Newcastle and Barcelona in one day. It took me all day. And I woke up, no hangover on Monday. It was the best decision I ever made. And I had an audition that I had to practice for. It was just, sometimes you just have to check out of this.

It's just not the time. Well, I was very proud of you. I think you did a good job. Well done. I was jealous when i was in bits the next day in bits i was we were leaving the house at half seven in the morning and i woke up at 7 23 very unlike you very unlike me whereabouts are you now i'm in edinburgh at the moment edinburgh uh you went sorry you went up to meet deirdre without me the festival isn't the festival isn't till august it's actually so nice being here and not being part of the festival the festival is so bananas that it's so nice being in edinburgh for once where it's not i'm not

stressed i've got rosacea on my face i've got i've just performed surgery on my own kneecap and then my right knee isn't working either it's there's something going on I am slowly slowly falling apart you're falling apart you still have a chest infection you know what if you went to the doctor now it would be worth it with your 50 euro yeah think of all the things you could get sorted it's not that it's not that it's not that I don't like going to the doctor I just I'm genuine I know people say this and I'm not being overly dramatic I just don't have the time at the moment because I'm traveling

during the day someone actually asked me the other day they're like what's with all the little gigs why not just do bigger gigs and I was like well because

the little gigs they're not little now but like the smaller gigs I guess were booked just coming out of COVID before people started listening to the podcast

before we knew people were listening to the podcast so we just kind of kept booking because people were buying them and then it won't be happening again it will build up

it fucking won't be happening again I'll never gig like this again I will never gig everyone's probably like she's so humble look where she's gigging I'm like you wait

going into these smaller clubs like I shouldn't even be here it's a shit house I just did the London Palladium for fuck's sake where are my confetti cannons here it's a show i just did the london palladium fuck's sake where are my confetti cannons but it's actually you need to keep people happy so you need to be doing and like i'm not happy with your level of work so i think that you should be doing like just do a peter k on it

did he not retire yeah he's coming back now do you see the places that he he does like or a michael mcintyre i know but then those oh actually that's a it's a good little inkling for me to say I've put another Apollo London date that's on sale now

for fuck's sake but I don't mind the London ones I don't mind the London ones Emma I took out my own stitches last night you're disgusting

took out my own stitches I'm like I was thinking I was thinking maybe that's my thing firstly I'm now fiercely independent thinking, I was thinking, maybe that's my thing. Firstly, I'm now fiercely independent.

I don't even need medical assistance now. I can perform tiny operations on myself. I was like, maybe that's my thing as a comic now. Be like an evangelical,

evangelical. How do you pronounce it? Evangelical. Evangelical. Evangelical. Cut the ones where I can't. Evangelical comic. Do not cut the ones where she can't She comes across as too intelligent

Sometimes I don't like it Evangelical comic Where I go out and I do jokes And then perform little tiny procedures on people Like whip out their tonsils and stuff Wouldn't that be great? Imagine that as a gig I just go on stage with a mic and a little tweezers and a sterile

nail clippers can you imagine the backlash they'd be like I went to Joanne's show and she whipped out my gallstones without my consent

I was down in Broke's Basin to do the peloton. And Theodore goes, Joanne, why don't you have babies? I was like, well, it's complicated, Theodore. I was like, I just really haven't met anyone. And my career is really, I'm just really busy at the moment with work.

And it's hard at my age, Theodore, because, you know, I'm not as fertile as I once was. Women really struggle. But I have looked into freezing my eggs. That's something I'm not as fertile as I once was and women really struggle but I have looked into freezing my eggs that's something I'm hoping to do what else have you

been up to this week oh well I'm going I'm in Glasgow tonight and then I am officially on my holidays to Barcelona to Barca

I'm going to Barcelona tomorrow with my travelling companion Fergal I think they call it I think they call it Barca well'm going to Barcelona tomorrow with my travelling companion Fergal I think they call it I think they call it Barca well it's not isn't the isn't the nickname Barca

Barca no it's Barca well Barcelona so it's Barca no but it's not you see you're wrong it's Barcelona but the nickname is Barca

oh my god honestly I was looking up for pod stuff yesterday again for once Joanne was actually way more organised than I was and I was having a nervous again for once Joanne was actually way more organised than I was and I was having a nervous breakdown. For once? Excuse me?

Come on Joanne. You're no angel Anyway go on. I'm the most organised. She was more organised than me yesterday and I'm looking through and I'm like god I really want to talk about Kim and Pete being in London but I can't because I keep bringing them up I know we've done like we've rinsed the Kardashians I can't stop myself. I will say though

that I do fancy Pete a little bit not as much right Spenny and I were talking the other day and we were rating ourselves

do you ever rate yourself out of 10 go on no well we were being honest with ourselves and very kind to ourselves

we gave ourselves a 7 right or Spenny actually was trying to say he was a strong 8 I said no you're a seven.

Yeah. Because thinking about it, who's a 10 to you? I guess Angelina Jolie is a 10. She's the most beautiful woman. She could be a 10 and maybe Charlize Theron is a 10. Johnny Depp, when he was going out with Kate Moss, I'm going to give him a strong nine. But like to be a 10, you like to be a ten you have to be

like when you just take people's breath away but did you see Johnny Depp when he went out with Kate Moss I know

he was a knockout oh my god I wouldn't have wanted to go out with him time has not been kind to Johnny it doesn't

fill me with confidence about my own future to be honest because I'm fond of a mega pint myself and like you know what I mean? You're going to have to start hitting the mega pints of vodka.

I'm sure I have a libel case and a defamation case in my future. I've no, there's no doubt in my mind. And I want to be mint when I rock into that course. I have to say it's still, well, I don't know if I'd still go there, but I still think he's, he's still a six. He's a six. He wouldn't be for me now. He wouldn't be a six for you no

and that court case is weighing on the two of them like she is looking drained as well like she's looking like she hasn't slept she's got the big puffy eyes I sent her some

bear by vogue serum she'll be grand next week thank god I was going to suggest why have you not got on that it's such a clear opportunity it's such an obvious opportunity so I'd like you to rate yourself now rate yourself on a good day when you not got on that it's such a clear opportunity it's such an obvious opportunity so I'd like you to rate yourself now rate yourself on a good day when you've been on the when you've

been on the quavers and the vodka I well I have to say I do think I am going downhill I kind of I was never really a looker I kind of I think I peaked at like 34 I was never looking then I peaked at 34 and I'm kind of going downhill Again from that now As in I have a kind of A weird bloated face At all times now I look like I'm on Steroids or antidepressants

And I'm not The road has not been kind to me The chicken vodka diet Has not been kind Like life on the road Has not been kind Like it's so hard Like I'm eating out

Of petrol stations I'm eating out of Yesterday I had lunch Out of a Costa Do you know what I like, it's so hard. Like, I'm eating out of petrol stations. I'm eating out of, yesterday I had lunch out of a Costa. Do you know what I mean? Like, it's very difficult. Gross. And poor Garo's being dragged around for the ride too. And then the second the train trolley hits that table.

I do love a train. And are you getting the trains everywhere in England or no? Getting the trains. And they're always trying to upsell me. I'm like, I have one bottle, one little quarter bottle of Pinot. It's like three for 10, three for 10. I'm like, stop it. And they, one little quarter bottle of Pinot. It's like three for 10, three for 10. I'm like, stop it. And they always have quavers.

Anyway, whatever. Oh yeah. So I rate myself. I would say it depends what you're looking for. I would say when you're, when you, when you're not hung over, like, like when I saw your birthday, I'm going to, I'm going to give you, if I'm a seven, I'm giving you at least a seven. But like on your birthday I thought whoa she's like

she's done a number on herself she looks great thank you so thank you to all our face people we really appreciate it thank you to the team we don't the pod's not long enough

to list them we'll just put their name in the credits we actually don't have time we only have an hour to fill we have to stop shouting them out as well I know

this isn't an aesthetics podcast it should be plus as well like you'd swear we were like Joan Rivers do you know what I mean what I was gonna say was it kind of depends what you're into I do feel like I've lost my mojo though a little bit like I remember you know the way sometimes you'd walk in and you clock a guy and you'd usually get a clock back yeah yeah, yeah, yeah. My clock backs are dropping in numbers. It's true. I have to say. It's just life.

I know, but you said women in their 60s and stuff. Well, maybe it was my mom. They get ignored. But I feel like it's already happening. Oh, it's the invisibility theory that they feel like they've become invisible. Yeah, I talk about it in the show. Yeah, we're so old and battered. Like, I was sitting with Benny's nieces yesterday

and I'm like, oh my God, I'm actually your fucking auntie. I'm their auntie. And I feel like I should be the same age as them. They look great, obviously. Their skin looks like, oh, sickos. So, holidays. I am flying tomorrow.

I was originally flying from Bristol with EasyJet. Have you seen the papers I mean I wouldn't like to be thank god I nearly booked my EasyJet the other day you'd be quicker literally getting a license yourself like honestly you'd be quicker training yourself up as a

pilot I reckon I could fly a plane I reckon I could fly it's not just a computer game I've watched enough air crash investigation now bearing in mind air crash investigation. Now bearing in mind air crash investigation is when they crash and die but it's basically it's a computer.

You'd be like Sully. Who's Sully? Your man who landed the plane in New York or Boston or something. He landed a full like jet

and saved everyone's life. The landing I mean the landing is the issue but I figure if I just hover near the ground and then use that inflatable slide why not if there's children on board they'd be only delighted give them one of those baby-sized vodkas beforehand chuck them down they'd be absolutely thrilled

I prefer to get there and then take my chances at the end then not get there how are you going to get there though what I was saying is get my own pilot license oh so you're actually okay yeah like seven years the black box for memory we could just use your brain because you don't forget anything i don't know if you're serious honestly pilots you're just bus drivers with egos this is my new thing now it's like playing if you can play snake on a nokia you can fly a plane as far as it's easy yeah you're just gliding along you're just gliding and while we're on the topic neurosurgeons you're crap too neurosurgeons honestly harder to get a driver's license than a plane license you don't have to reverse the plane around a corner you don't have to reverse it you don't have to you

don't have to stick your hand out and do the like you know the signs that you have to do yes yes there's no signs there's no signs up in the sky. You know what I mean? There's no speed limit. The wind just kind of takes you. The wind decides your speed. They've actually got it easier. I've never thought about that.

You're dead right. There's no teenager going to nip out in front of you on an e-scooter. I'll tell you what, I'm not saying thanks to the pilot when he stands outside the cockpit waiting for the thank you at the end.

I'm not doing it anymore. I'm saying you're not getting a thank you. Is that the pilot? Yeah, the pilot. Well, some of them outside the cockpit waiting for the thank you at the end. I'm not doing it anymore. I'm saying you're not getting a thank you. Is that the pilot? Yeah, the pilot, well some of them now, the ones that want a thank you will pop out and be like,

that's very thirsty, that is. I'd be all over that. I'm sorry now. I'm not congratulating you for playing Snake for 40 minutes while the wind glided us

from Dublin to Gatwick. My only thing that would help me back from being a pilot is I have quite bad eyesight. Right, and you need good eyesight to be a pilot which makes no sense to me. How blind do you have to be

to miss like Milan? Do you know what I mean? Like it's huge. Or like on the ground you've those lads with the little, they look like they're at a silent disco

with the glow sticks and the earmuffs or whatever. You've them to guide you whatever you've got to guide you you've got to guide you down and all piece of piss come on

get over yourself the air stewards are doing more work than the pilot that's my new theory honestly don't get me started on the air stewards

I love them love them so much they bring all the goods now honestly though how are you getting to Barca

so we've we've changed it up we've changed it all up so we're flying I'm flying like early flight from Glasgow to Dublin then spend the day in Dublin then fly out from Aer Lingus I know we just had I just I need I was actually going to cancel the whole thing because I need these five days I just want peace I just want peace I don't want to spend the day it's like it's the it's the stress it's like a it's like apocalyptic scenes in airports now maybe the papers are seeing the scene in Dublin airport to see me I know and a friend of mine was showing me pictures like Burger King and all or maybe it was Bristol Burger King everything shut down because everyone else my God. It's absolutely mental. Aer Lingus won't let you down though. Well, this is why

we've gone Aer Lingus. Because we feel like EasyJet are cracking at the seams, like EasyJet are about to fall apart. I would have always liked an EasyJet flight. I have to say, before all this crap,

they'd never let me down before. Where are all the people that are meant to be flying us around the place? Where are they? It's the security staff. They've run out of staff because they let go of their staff during lockdown and now they don't have them.

And they can't just rehire security. They have to train them. It's not like taking a cashier off out of River Island and putting them on the security desk in Dublin Airport. They need to be trained. So it's just because Heathrow Airport, you should have flown out of there. There's no problems there. Ever. It's a staffing issue. I always get stopped at bloody airport security. Every single, there's never a staffing issue i always get stopped at bloody

airport security every single there's never a time i don't get stopped walking through really is it because you're blinging is it because of the jewels are you bling blinging in the machine no no i'm not that bling bling and i don't know what it is it's always just a random check or something like that which yeah i have a look about me you don't have you don't have a random Criminal look about you No And you know what Actually one time

Do you know those people Who get stopped When you're walking back through Always the green channel Always the green channel And you walk through When you walk back through With your bags

And you're going out To depart You're all for fun Oh right yeah You see people stuck there And they've got all Their suitcases open And it's like

For a fight I'd hate to have to do that The one time Amber Right And if Amber tells me You see people stuck there and they've got all their suitcases open. It's like, I'd hate to have to do that. The one time Amber, right? And if Amber tells me to do something, I kind of just do it. I don't want to be in trouble with her. She asked me to bring a load of smokes home for her. Like more than I was allowed to bring home. But I was like, I never get stopped at that place.

And the one time I got stopped and they're going through my bags of too many smokes. They're taking my smokes off me Amber's smokes and yeah I was very disappointed about that yeah there's a legal amount but it's like 150 a person but like they sell them in 200 so how does that work?

surely I think the way to speed up airport security is firstly this is why this is Joanne Joanne's I've decided I can sort the whole thing out

go on how? it's time to get rid of the 100 mil rail it's absolutely outrageous oh I agree This is Joanne's. I've decided I can sort the whole thing out. Go on, how? It's time to get rid of the 100ml real. It's absolutely outrageous. Oh, I agree. I'm not going to... Like, imagine being on a plane and whipping out a lighter and a bottle of NARS Foundation Beige

and being like, no, no, no! Like, I can't. And I'm not going to be able to blow up a plane with a tube of Labello. I'm not MacGyver. So can we just cut that shit as well? Get rid of that

and particularly because some people who've been travelling forever have still not learnt that rule so they spend hours at security holding everybody up putting their shit in a plastic bag and getting their other shit taken off them and whinging about it

that really annoys me yeah women trying to like use 600 mils of creme de la mer on their face before they go through the airport because they're not willing to let it go. They're passing it back. I had a woman do that. Do you want some hand cream?

I was like, yeah, fuck it, go on. Also, if you're going to bring a bomb through the airport, like it's like anything when you go on holiday. You assume that when you go to a destination, they won't have what you need. It's like sun cream. Buy your bombs there. Just buy your bombs at your location. They'll probably be cheaper. They would be cheaper

depending on where you go it's like sun cream it's like shampoo just buy them there stop holding up the queues so how else are you speeding us up then can you imagine a terrorist trying to take over a flight from to ibiza not nobody move yeah not help nobody move shut up just the whole trolley of Not a help. Nobody move. Yeah, not a help. Nobody move. Shut up. Just a whole trolley of drinks fucked up their heads. I saw someone, Evan Daugherty, posted this video on a flight and honestly,

it was terrifying. They were having a full-on rave on the flight. Everyone was just standing up in the middle of the aisles. Everyone was down. I'd hate that. I'd feel really scared.

Do you remember me flying back from, I think it was Glasgow and it was one of the worst experiences of my life. And the poor air stewardess, she didn't know what to do. These elderly couple were like, please make them stop.

They were banging the roof and all. Oh my God, stop. That's what you need to do. Split up those flights. So anyone, lads going to a football match or people going to Ibiza, split them up,

put a couple of them on every single flight of security. Or dogs, more dogs at security. I know loads of dogs not working would love to work winston winston's losing the run of himself he'd love a job i think that would really spark him up winston needs to be mentally stimulated he's losing his fucking mind put him on the security checks please i think that's a great get him to work as well he's just been swanning around here for 10 years doing fuck all.

On a jolly. Someone actually messaged me saying, you know the way Winston followed you into the shower? She was like, you know, Winston's got dementia now. No! Because I thought he was just like

looking for somewhere nice to die. I was like, he just doesn't want to die alone. That's why he's following me around. No, it's dementia, I think. I was like he just doesn't want to die alone that's why he's following me around no it's dementia I think I was looking uh online yesterday when I was not organized for the podcast and I saw that do you remember the fashion brand Tammy girl I assumed you meant Tommy girl and I was like Tommy girl never went anywhere but you said Tammy girl so I had to google him I've never

heard of Tommy girl and I had to I was like why haven't I heard and then I realised because as a teenager I was so uncomfortable in my skin Tammy girl was kind of

a bit sexy it was a bit cutesy it was like there was skin on show and I wasn't so I think it's very indicative to how we were different

as teenagers because I was the one wearing the parachute pants the X the bit the x-works the eclipse like dressed like a curtain bait like a floating head anything to cover this body that I was so ashamed of having which is terrible at the time but anyway all the clothes like a strong breeze I'd end up on the Isle of Man like I could literally have been taken off at any stage now everyone went through the x-works phase you weren't cool if you didn't have like X-Works.

Was that a thing in England, X-Works and Eclipse? Yeah, I don't know what those are. It was because I googled it and they're on sale now. All that X-Works,

Eclipse stuff. It was the 90s rave culture. Oh, it was so good. They're all in sale on Depop now for like six times the price because they're now called vintage.

How old do you feel vintage I fucking I know I'm old do you remember e-tonic as well I remember Amber made up a song

she used to make up songs about stuff do you remember the brand e-tonic there are a lot of runners in the world but most of all I like e-tonic

e-tonic Amber made that up that was her song I have no idea what what It was a 90s fashion brand and Amber had songs about all of them. Oh, okay. No, I don't remember them either. I was obviously very fucking out of the loop. What about Morgan? Remember Morgan? No. Joanne, what about Miss 60? Yeah, I do remember Miss 60. But again, too tight for me. I was busy covering myself from scrutiny. Literally drowning myself in layers and layers and layers of clothes.

But you know what as well? Firstly, I was going to say, do you remember parachute pants? Yeah. I do. I still have some pairs. I was like, what a demotion for parachutes. Wouldn't you be mortified? Like one minute you're saving lives.

Next minute you're hanging in the wardrobe as a 14 year old girl because she hates her ass it's like using a defibrillator as a backpack these things have important jobs also

do you know what oh Vogue so obviously I'm going on my holidays right so I need kind of an open open shoe like a summer shoe oh no

no no no no John you can't I'm not bringing the sandals back are they done are you done with them are you never going to wear them again well of course I'll wear them again it's fashion I'll wear them again in 20 years time and they come back in fashion for the moment they're on ice much like my eggs on my face the sandals are on ice I will miss the sandals though I want to have one day where you wear them out of course I will

throwback I will do a photo shoot in them yeah throwback Thursday I'll stick ice cream crowns in them and still look like Sarah

I'll be like great I'll be like oh my god they look spectacular but so I was in a shoe shop here in Edinburgh and I was having a little look around and I swear

do you know what a hard time I've given Crocs in the past I know I'm into Crocs too. I was like, Joanne, you're pathetic. There was a pair of lime Crocs, and just because they've been presented to me now,

and they've been worn around by cool people, I've been brainwashed. I almost bought them, and I was like, this is actually embarrassing how easily brainwashed I am. If Cara Delevingne Lottie Moss Kate Moss wear anything if they could wear they could wear my ex-boyfriend's head as a shoe and I'd be like I take them back I've made a huge mistake wasn't it wasn't it Justin Bieber who did a collab with Crocs I think that's where I saw it and I was like I want a lilac croc I'm pretty sure Gucci

have done a collab with Crocs they really I don't like they've done it's a it's amazing what they've done. The level of comfort, Joanne, in a croc. I doff my cap to crocs. I do. What they've done, I don't know if any brand has ever done it before, bar maybe Ryanair has pulled themselves back from the brink like that. Uggs.

Uggs also pulled them. When they got Cher on board, everyone wanted an Ugg. My wardrobe is filled with Uggs now yes who else has done a huge turnaround like Crocs

it's like they've made smoking cool like it's unbelievable what they've done it's like bringing smoking back who else has made a comeback

I'm trying to think of brands loads of them have made a comeback do you know what I saw as well which I found interesting Winona Ryder who's a Ryde she is modelling for Marc Jacobs

and like 20 years ago she was caught nicking clothes from the Marc Jacobs shop and I thought what a 360 it's I think it's 180 not to correct you but yeah yeah I think it is emo emo if you're cutting her stupid thing out come on yeah it's 180 it's 180 I thought it was amazing I was like go you look at nicking 180. I thought it was amazing. I was like, go you. Look at, nicking from them 20 years ago. So I was thinking, we should start stealing from Chanel and Gucci 20 years time.

We'll get ourselves a campaign. It's such a good idea. I'll just walk back up to Edinburgh High Street and nick those lime Crocs. Get up there now and nick them. But like speaking of dictators, what Crocs have done, it's literally like

us thinking, kind of buying into Saddam Hussein again, what they've done. Like they were the worst brand. They were the most disgusting brand. They had absolutely no, they had no street cred.

They were just worn by these poor, sad nurses at night. You were doing night shifts. Actually, you know what? Thinking of ugly shoes and I bought the ugliest pair of runners the other day and I had to really rush

to buy them because they'd just come back in stock. New balance. And they're like what you would imagine like a 60-year-old American man wears around

to do shopping and stuff and everyone can't get enough of them. I'm not big into them now. But I know, I've seen them everywhere. They're like, they're pride of place

in the shoe shops now with the Crocs. Yeah, and as well, by the way, Crocs are the first shoe we've agreed on what yeah they're the first shoe what I said I almost I did not actually purchase them because I was like that's too embarrassing I didn't purchase the lilac ones either and And even I got Gigi a pair and Theodore a pair. And when I see them going around them, I'm like, not great. You don't look great in them. No.

Even they can't pull them off. No. The 90s fashion that I don't want to come back to. Remember those low, do you remember the low jeans where basically your entire pelvic floor was on show above the line? Do you remember them? Yeah, because mine were like practically around my knees. floor was on show above the line and you do you remember them yeah because mine were like

practically around my knees the low rise jeans that were so low like you could have actually just had a smear test done without even taking your jeans

like without even unbuttoning a single button they were so low John and I were bitching about you this morning oh it was Joanne and I were bitching about you this morning Oh it was Joanne and I

were bitching about you this morning I was like don't be telling Emma we were bitching about her she doesn't need to know that

Emma I love that we've stolen Emma did you see how disgusted Spencer was I know not happy about it There's a pub

in Battersea that absolutely fascinates me called the asparagus yeah I know it I know it I just I like the name the location the vibe the look so there's a difference in my there's shithole English pubs are different to shithole Irish pubs. Oh yeah. Shithole English pubs have carpets in them. They have game machines, like, you know, kind of,

what are they called? Pinball machine. What are they called? Fruit machines. Fruit machines. Exactly. So they have carpets, fruit machines.

Shithole Irish pubs have like no soft furnishings, no windows, no women. That's kind of the difference between, but the asparagus, it's a Wetherspoons, but because Battersea is kind of like gentrified and kind of up and coming and all that jazz,

it's like Wetherspoons went, okay, it's usually they're called like the duck and chicken or something. They're like, what do the cool kids, they're vegan now. So we're going to call it the asparagus.

It's just so random. Like call it the asparagus. It's just so random. Like call it the smashed avocado. At least that makes sense. Smashed is another word for pissed. It's a nice looking pub though. Well, I think we should go there because I walk past it all the time on my way down to live my life

partly in your basement. And there's always this eclectic group in the beer garden. There's like old men, do you know what I mean? Who are there like every day. His wife died 60 years ago. And then there's little gangs of like kind of girls with their Gucci glasses. And the great sense of community, the asparagus.

We have to go there. And if it's only a walk down the road from my house as well, I'm in. Did you know I used to work in a Wetherspoons? No. Yes, you'd never have guessed it I know they honestly paid me nothing to be there yeah it was very you wouldn't get a lot of money and

great crack yeah I'd say it's great crack but I wouldn't have thought of them as big payers now I mean you can eat you could get pissed there for an entire day on 20 quid I know I wouldn't be mad for eating the food there if I'm honest a lot of microwaving

goes on the food is so strange it's like they cook it and then they they take a tray and flatten it and then send it out it's like they

it's like flat pack food that they just didn't build it's very strange it's like those rotten like you get those rotten cheese sandwiches

that you get on the plane what was the one I got is it Jet Blue or something and they brought this like this toasty over to me and it was lit

and like I'll eat any old shite I actually will but like just this toasty slipping off each other rotten you couldn't no

I'm the only person I know who likes it this is very airplane heavy but I'm the only person I know who likes airplane I love airplane food no way in business maybe

I've never flown business have you not no well I haven't flown it that much with the time my dream holiday is if somebody lets me get on their plane in first class and I literally just like I'll fly to Perth 17 hours and I'll just fly straight back once I can be in first class that would be a fantastic holiday I remember when I was flying to Adelaide to do the fringe over there I hadn't flown long haul in so long that when I got on the plane I was like oh my god this looks amazing like there's these like little booths

and everything's there's loads of space and not realizing they walk you through first class it's so mean it's so mean like surely there's a back door you can bring us in through do you know what I mean it's like

there literally is a back door yeah the walk of shame through like the first class people drinking their prosecco but they even do that they even do that on like flights back to Dublin and you're just like hello hello yeah I wouldn't pay it to Dublin no way well I'm flying I'm doing uh shows in Dubai in January and I'm doing shows in Australia next year and I'm going to fly business class. Oh, with Emirates or Etihad, Etihad, whatever it's called.

Oh, well, that's like, like, I know you're staying in Dubai, but I'd hit the lounge before you leave the airport. Oh my God. Really?

It's like, honestly, it's, you're going to have the time of your life. I'm bringing the road with me, but he's going to, I'm putting him in carriage.

Bye. Do you know what? Like when, Spenny and I, if we would fly to St. Barts, we'd always fly home business because it's a night flight. Now we've got Gigi and Theodore

and they would have to be put in business. I was only talking to him yesterday. I was like, obviously we're not flying business. And he was like, no, like you have to pay

a full price for them. Jesus. But you don't just check them in and then collect them off the carousel like I'm going to do it with a rose. I think it's, yeah, I'm just wondering what age

I can just fling them in the back on their own. Four? Strap them. Like, put Gigi back in. Like, mule her.

Don't need that seat to stay right there. Mule her. Wrap her in a condom and put her back. Swallow her. Like, just go full Michaela McCollum on it. I only just heard that.

Absolute sicko. Bye.