My Therapist Ghosted Me - Hieroglyphics, The Gaeltacht & Patron Saints

Episode Date: October 28, 2022

Joanne's taken another deep dive... This time it was all inspired by her visit to a hieroglyphics exhibition! Meanwhile, Vogue is remembering all the fun of the Gaeltacht and educating us all on the dangers of... Cows. If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] is going on tour in Ireland & The UK! Remember to check the venue websites as well as Ticketmaster! For more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThank you!

This is a Global Player Original Podcast. Welcome to My Therapist Ghosted Me, with myself, Joanne McNally, and herself, Vogue Williams. We should do an intro, Jo. Oh, sing. Is that what you think today? I still haven't drank. What's the date? What is the date? It is October 25th. Look, she's got a pint of vodka there. She's pretending it's water. Can I tell you, I had the most glorious day yesterday. Okay.

Our glorious days are so different. So I'm always excited to hear about yours. I had the whole day to myself. I hate it already. No shows, nothing, right? So got up, treated myself to breakfast, then immediately treated myself to lunch. Okay. So I've gone to two restaurants so far.

It's one o'clock. Dead right. Dead right. Then took myself, walked into the city, walked in. That's a far walk. In my Manolo Blahniks,

as if in my, in my Essex. Well, I do. And I thought to myself, walked in my manelas walked in in my what are the what was the MCBs

what are those huge shoes that girls used to wear if they had like a limp no it wasn't a limp they were they were kind of the shoes of the moment flip flops

no fucking no not a flip flop MCBs NBCs, they had this kind of thing to help you, your stature.

Anyway, it doesn't matter. Walked into the city, had a little nerdy afternoon. You know, I love a bit of Egypt. Yeah. There's a hieroglyphics exhibition

in the British Museum. Did a tour of that. How boring. Hieroglyphics. God. Wanked off in there for a while

to the hieroglyphics. wanked off in there for a while to the hieroglyphics then immediately treated myself to dinner no you didn't of course I did then went and got a top up of laser hair removal

and your woman came at me with a lollipop stick so you knew you were getting a deep dive oh I love when that happens she went in so far I'd say she lasered there isn't a hair

in my uterus I'd say well you know the little hairs on your follicles are gone as well then came home got into bed drank a whole bottle of riyaka and a bumper bag of sour cream sun bites i was in my element watched three episodes of love is blind and then fell asleep to a documentary on hieroglyphics so that i knew what the fuck i'd seen so you were you spent the day alone. That's nice. You love like taking, Joanne takes Joanne out for a day. Joanne loves Joanne.

Joanne thoroughly enjoys Joanne's company. And come here to me. So I learned something in the exhibition. Thank God. It was 20 quid. 20 quid for hieroglyphics. Jesus. Yeah, 20 quid to understand ancient Egypt folk.

It's actually quite a good deal. Well, I'm just saying because I saw a deal right and they're saying that it's so cheap to go to Egypt. You could go for like a week holiday for 200 quid and I thought hieroglyphics for 20 quid. I'll just go to Egypt, thanks. Yeah, take me to the source, please. I'm throwing a fanny around

at the British Museum. She puts on her little, her head torch and heads off to the pyramids. I have an outfit very similar to Toot and Camoon Toots hey Toots it's me Vogue um the Rosetta Stone now I thought the Rosetta Stone genuinely was a woman he'd set up a language that's what I thought it was. Yeah. And this is me. And like, I, I think that I understand a bit like that. I know a bit about ancient Egypt. I clearly know absolutely nothing. The Rosetta Stone is now a language program, but it was named after this huge big stone. So,

you know, all the ancient scripts and stuff. So it started off hieroglyphics was the originals. That's all the suns and the owls and all that shit. I wonder was it more boring to go or more boring to hear about it, Jo? What do you think? Just trying to broaden your horizons, Vogue, okay?

It's because I didn't know loads of words last week. What words did you not know last week? I forget them again. They were very clever. Acerbic. Acerbic. Acerbic. Oh, acerbic.

Fantastic word. Anyway, I had an absolutely glorious day and I would highly recommend if anyone is around the British Museum to go. Five stars. Do you know what my favourite kind of day is? And I did one of them in Hoth.

Now, I've had my kids all weekend. They probably wouldn't have been invited to certain parts of it. Can I guess your ideal day? Go on. Get up at 4am pump yourself dry so there isn't an ounce

of liquid left in your body, a lone milk like you pump everything out so you kind of shrink up like a raisin right so you're completely dehydrated at this point. And I'd probably look great. Post a thirst trap. Did you see what I posted to the MTG? Did you see the fucking...

We've got a back catalogue. We've got some problems. Some real problems. You're cured now. You're hydrated now. You're not as thirsty as you were. No, do you know what? A little bit of thirst going on now and then,

to be honest. But back in the day, I wasn't even screen grabbing. Like I could do like, and the fries. Sorry, the pictures of the fries. Sorry, can we just, for people who haven't seen it,

I got access to some photos. Do you know that we were slagging about for the whole beep beep, which you know the kind of, what girls do sometimes, and guys do it too, that's kind of presenting a hot photo with masquerading as a poignant moment

or a nap in Vogue's case. There's a few nap moments, by the way. I only sent you one. Where she looks like a ride and her body looks amazing and she's like, snoozy, snoozy nap time. Full makeup.

Liar. You look gorgeous though. I mean, Jesus Christ. If I look like that, I'd be posting first half of the day. That was also back when I used to FaceTime the bejesus out of my face. Back when you were hot, before you had the kids. Do you know what? There is a difference.

I have to say there's a difference in my face shut up no there isn't there is a huge I thought I looked at some of the pictures I was like maybe if I dye my hair

a bit darker now it's darker there maybe if I got the last 10 years back I looked back though I nearly there was one in particular I was like

Joanne never ever let anyone see the light of this day because it's too it was so embarrassing. Oh, my God. I was such a loser.

Whoever's following me and you followed me since then, thank you. Thank you for sticking with me. I appreciate it. We've grown together. The amount of people, though, that were saying to me, they're like, if an old Facebook memory pops up, like, I have to get rid of it. It's so embarrassing sometimes. And I was thinking, like, you know the way you do that delete tweet I think I'm gonna have to go back through my Instagram and delete like 95% of it oh yeah you can hire a company to go back and basically delete all your

tweets some producer recommended it to me now I actually don't tweet so it doesn't matter but she said that she had clients no it was an agent actually who kind of lost work because they'd gotten a gig and then they turns out they used to be a fascist yeah yeah I know someone you know it happens fascism was huge

in the noughties is fascism not not in anymore we're not we're not into it anymore no I meant to I meant to speech you about that actually less of the fascism online folk

it's not doing us any favours I'll take Mussolini off my wall he's out where are you now my house in London Joanne was doing her suction bagging

again yesterday she's really turned a corner that girl well I'm moving out Defo yeah I've handed my notice in I'm out of this house

where are you moving to well I'm not moving anywhere I'm going on the road like a little circus act I'll be gone from January then February January

I'm gone for the whole month then February we're in the gaiety for the tour the ghosted tour and then March April

I'm gone to Australia then May I'm back in the UK for the ghosted UK tour so I'll figure something out in May but there's no point so you just don't need

to get accommodation until May so basically everything's getting everything's getting suctioned do you know what I'm going to do though do you know what I'm going to do and you're totally right

because I was sending about footage of the carnage that is my bedroom at the moment it's always the same I come back from doing some shows

and the suitcase explodes and I'm trying to do 28 watches blah blah blah but em I was suction packing my life away

and folks like why don't you just hire a company to do that and I was like you know what you're fucking dead right I've been working

very hard this year I'm going to use some of that money I'm going to hire someone to do it for me but not even that they're better at it than you

because you'll get rid of loads of stuff they're perfectionists yeah perfectionists but I was quite surprised she opened her bathroom cupboard. I mean, it was an absolute mess. But she had,

the intention was there. You had those little boxes within the drawers. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. Sorry, Vooj. No, my bathroom drawers are actually

highly organized. Excuse you, me. Excuse me, you. Excuse. Okay, maybe I saw something wrong, but I'm pretty sure... Around the chest of drawers is carnage, but inside the drawers is quite organised.

We'll see what Jo thinks, will we? I told... Vogue, I said to you that was a private video. That's basically... This is like revenge. What's that? Is that organised? Does that look organised, Jo? i can't see it oh okay

so the top of the drawers is not organized but inside the top two drawers is highly it's less messy than i thought it was and you know i actually i'm very proud of you i think you've done a fantastic job do you know what i did with regards to organizing and i thought i'd give people a tip i'm sure people already do this you know the way you with regards to organizing? And I thought I'd give people a tip. I'm sure people already do this. You know the way you get those emails and it's like, you have to open them just so they are read, so they're not part of your 3,000 unread emails. I've started unsubscribing to everything that comes in

that I've subscribed to by accident. Unsubscribed. A great way I found of doing that, I think we've spoken about it before, lose all your bank cards. No, why? Why? subscribed a great way i found of doing that i think we've spoken about before lose all your bank cards no why why because then all your direct you to cancel your cards all your direct debits bounce i mean yeah you can't get a mortgage but it means you don't you're not subscribed to anything anymore it's great yeah i mean yeah you go to court there's a warrant out for your arrest but you're not getting updates from whatever magazine he's totally nine years

ago oh no I don't subscribe I'm not talking about that I'm talking about like things like oh the new drop from this brand or this brand and all

like there's some more now look I didn't subscribe to that I didn't like Morrison's Morrison's I didn't subscribe to you where are you going to send it all

to your mom's house? Your poor mom. Well, how many bags? How many bags? I was kind of hoping you'd take a couple of these. Fuck's sake. Al's just moving out. Now I've got you.

I was thinking to myself, I was like, great, it's golf cups. That mirror now, that'll go down to Vogue. I was filming last night, right? And I don't know if we spoke about this before but I love a cow we have spoken about my love of cows I love cows

so much so that I eat them but I do I love a cow I was with this farmer last night his name was Thomas that is the way that is the way I love if I really love you

I'll be nibbling on your foot okay exactly I will slice you up if I love you I really love you, I'll be nibbling on your foot. Okay. Exactly. I will slice you up. I will. If I love you, I will. I will. I will slice you.

Little slice off the thigh. Bit of olive oil. So I met this fella called Thomas. He's a farmer. And I was talking to him last night because I read a story. And you know the way sometimes you're like, that's not true. I read a story about this woman who's just minding her own business, going for a walk in a field and these group of cows beat her up like badly severely beat her up and they were all

like ramming into her and stuff like that and I thought that's very unlike a cow I don't know if I believe that story asked Thomas last night and he said that the number like one way of a farmer dying he's like that's the way I'm gonna die he was like I'm gonna have a cow trample me when i'm helping her give birth or something like that because they're really like super protective animals of each other and obviously of their young so you have to be really careful don't just cross a cow field you'll get battered what yes cows beat the daylights out of you joe could we fact check any of this now? I asked Thomas the farmer last night and farming is the number, like you've a 70% chance of dying at home,

more at home if you're a farmer than if you're not a farmer. But that would make sense because like if you're harvesting or something, if you fell into your combine harvester. I have to say, do you know the Plowing Championships, Jo? I've been to that.

Of course you have. You're the queen of collaborations. I can't imagine you know the clown championships Jo? I've been to that. Of course you have. You're the queen of collaborations. I can't imagine you didn't collab with someone at the clown championships. Obviously I was brought

down by the Dairy Council. Of course you were. The Plenty Gilson and Louis Walsh went down. What a threesome. I know. I actually had the best day.

It was a great day. I'm surprised you didn't try and sign the two of you to some sort of girl band do you know what I nearly I am telling you I used to go

if you knew my old life I used to go for auditions I went for an audition to a girl band that Louis Walsh was doing they end up doing shit so I don't care that I didn't get it but I got to like the last round

I was in this area and we were like dancing and singing and I got to like the last 12 or something how on earth I got to the last 12? Was it Jedward? No, it wasn't Jedward.

Was it? I can't remember what the band was. Was it Six or something? No, not Six. But I didn't get in. And anyway, they didn't make it, so it doesn't bother me now. But I used to do things.

I used to go to auditions like that. Imagine how shite I was. I know I was shite. You had lights in your eyes. I wanted to be in a girl band. So bad. I still, I still, I'd still be in a girl band. Imagine we were up on stage, you and I, in a girl band.

We should reconsider our whole tour and just, everyone's bought tickets. Let's just turn it into us being a girl band. No, no pod. We know you've come to see the pod, but we're dancing. Oh, I went to Knock. So I'm filming,

as you know, I'm filming this show in Ireland and I flew into Knock. I went to the lady at the counter because they had the best sweets,

the best sweets. So I went and stocked up on like fizzy Chewits and stuff and I went to the lady at the counter and she's like, what are you doing over here?

And I was like, sorry, Vogue, Vogue, Vogue. Yeah. I feel like I'm your translator at times. No one in the UK is going to know what Knock is. Oh. Knock is a really tiny airport in Ireland. And I was filming out the west of Ireland.

I hope I'm right saying that. Because I'll tell you why now. So I was filming out the west of Ireland and we have really nice suites in Ireland, like fizzy chew-its and stuff. And we've got like these golf balls that are chewing gums and flumps. I'm sure everyone knows what a flump is. One of my favorite ever sweets. And so I was stocking up and your woman was like, so what are you doing out here?

And I was like, I'm off to Mayo. She was like, you're in Mayo. So Knock is in Mayo. But so I went to film. I was filming on Achill Island and sure didn't it bring me right back to when I went there for Irish College and because it's such a small island I was like

is Martin still doing the Irish Colleges and they were like yeah he is doing the Irish Colleges and I could remember his face

they put me on the phone to Martin we were chatting about the year I was there sorry Vogue again who the fuck is Martin

Martin okay so I went to the Gael Talked. God, I'm so bad at telling stories. This is why I'm not a comedian. I forget things that people don't know. Okay, so I was in Achill and when I was younger, I went to the Gael Talked in Achill

and if you're not from Ireland, the Gael Talked is basically you go to a summer camp for like two weeks and you learn Irish and you're only allowed to speak Irish down there or you get sent home or you get threatened to be sent home

and so I got to Achill and because it's a small island I was asking them is Marcin still in charge of the Gael talk Marcin is still in charge of the Gael talk and he has made it the biggest Gael talk ever and they put me on the phone to Marcin and I was talking to him about the Gael talk. How?

As Gaeilge? No, not As Gaeilge obviously I was As Béarla I'm terrible at Irish Béarla I'm terrible as Irish Béarla means English Jo em you're a Béarla Jo

yeah Jo sorry you Béarla bastard no I don't think that's how it works but anyway go on look at you you Béarla firstly

just to give a bit of context because em we sit between well two countries now really, Vogue. We do, yeah. Knock Airport is like the size of, like I've only seen photos of it and it's clearly with the fisheye lens and it's still the size of a TikTok. But it was built by a priest. Was it?

Because, yeah. Do you know this story? So basically during the recession Charlie Hawhey was involved obviously Charlie Hawhey again Joe Charlie Hawhey

loved a bread envelope ran oiled into the ground according to my mother but em it was after Pope Francis visited my nanny loves Charlie Hawhey it was after Pope Francis visited and then

he went off and this Monsieur this like high end priest they become Monsieur's they run out of titles you can't just be a priest anymore

you're a Monsieur he was like Mayo deserves an airport because there's a shrine in Knock where Our Lady i.e. Mary appeared with

I think it's a lamb I knew that a lamb or a llama I think it was a lamb and so that in the I don't know 60s or something

I don't know so anyway he was like we need people to come on a pilgrimage and not have to deal with Dublin. They could just pilgrim straight to Knox. So that's how it was built. This is what I was going to say. If I come back from the dead, which I will,

I'm going to appear somewhere, but with something like a Jack Russell or a parrot, wouldn't that be great? Rather than the lamb. The lamb's always, it's always a lamb that comes back. I don't believe that. I'm going to spice it up. She wouldn't come back with a lamb. Why would she be back with a lamb?

The sacrificial lamb. The lamb. The holy lamb. She's already going to come back with a dog. Why not? Because she didn't sacrifice dogs. It was the lamb that you sacrificed. The lamb, lamb, lamb, lamb, lamb.

Easter, lamb, lambs are holy. I didn't know lambs were holy. They're delicious. Okay, so I don't have to. Imagine she came back holding a horse. Joanne will be coming back holding a horse.

Made a little Shetland pony. I, yeah. I told you I'm coming back as a poltergeist. It's the only way to properly leave your mark. You'll know about it as well, Joanne, because I'm going to come

for you first. Poltergeist mess shit up. You'll be, what the fuck this is great I'm haunted by Vogue she's tidying everything away that would be my dream

afterlife just cleaning and my dream day I wouldn't get up at four in the morning by the way obviously oh sorry

the dream day so this is the dream day so you're up at 4am you've breastfed everyone. You do a triathlon. Okay, we're getting there. We're getting there. You've swam up and down the Thames. No, too cold. Oh.

I don't like cold water. You've done, you've run around Battersea Park. You've done 12 sessions of John Belton. You've brought out a new clothesline. You've taken nine thirst traps. You've birth around Battersea Park. You've done 12 sessions of John Belton. You've brought out a new clothesline. You've taken nine thirst traps. You've birthed three children. You've pretended to write another book. Excuse me, we'll leave that up to you, right? You're signing contracts.

She's 12 hands signing contracts, putting out fires. She's doing a full Alan Sugar on it she's walking and she talks walk and talk doing meetings then I don't know

oh yeah then you suck a dip dab and go to bed no my real dream day I wouldn't get up till seven thank you very much I would definitely

train with John Belton I would go for a walk on the cliffs of Hoth then I would go to East I'd get wings I'd get oysters I'd get crab claws and then I'd go for a walk on the Cliffs of Hoth. Then I would go to East. I'd get wings. I'd get oysters. I'd get crab claws. And then I'd go for another walk with a different group of friends along the pier, possibly, because I'm tired

from the cliffs. Then I would go home. I'd organise something. Yeah. A riot. I'd clean out my freezer. Yeah. Oh yeah, you'd have to defrost something. Jesus Jesus absolutely defrosting something

I would then get a takeaway of the Chinese down the road 839 1473 I will have honey ribs please and

beef and black bean sauce thank you very much with egg fried rice thank you see you in 10 minutes you really are like and it kind of goes against what you think

but you're practically a cannibal like there isn't you're just like ripping animals apart for breakfast and all. Like, there isn't a meal that goes past. She hasn't a fucking rib hanging out of her mouth or a wing or a foot or something. I have to say, unless there's a bit of meat...

You deserve to get beaten to death by a cow. I hope that's how you go. I wish I hadn't told you that. I wish I hadn't told you that because you'd be the stupid idiot that would walk into the field. I didn't know cows were violent now I have to say.

Now a pig would grind your bones. If you ever, now if you ever overindulge on a night I could chuck you in a pig pen you'd be gone. I wouldn't even see you the next morning. There'd be nothing left. There'd be a scrunchie.

That'd be it. But they'd be very happy pigs. Can you imagine? Very happy pigs. pigs can you imagine very happy pigs Theodore actually asked me the other day if he was allowed

to say Jesus I said no you can't say Jesus you can't use his name in vain if you want to talk to him you can use his name yeah exactly

that's exactly right I saw something that said I was going into the celebrity jungle. I love that they do this every year. They just like make up people who are going in. I'm not going into the jungle. I might be going in.

Joanne, you'd be great on it. First of all, I'm a loser and I wouldn't leave my kids for two weeks. And second of all, if anyone has seen me when I'm confronted by a wasp or any kind of bug you'll understand why I would not be able to go on that show I'd look like an absolute lunatic but you've done you did your reality you did Bear Grylls you did it you won I just you proved your point exactly I don't think I'd spend that long away from my family I think I know I can't say this for sure but maybe I was asked to do SAS and and I'd love to do something like that

because I'd find that like fun to do a challenge like that. But I just honestly, I know it's pathetic. I couldn't go away for two weeks. I'd miss everyone too much.

Is it only two weeks? That's a long time for me. My God. It feels like it goes on for longer. No, I'm a celebrity. I think it's three weeks long. Oh yeah, okay, fine.

Will I tell you who's tipped to go in yes I do like watching that show I have to say our friend or not boy George

yeah I remember boy George I do indeed I don't that's funny we've got we've got beef with boy we do have beef with boy

I'll tell you who I won't he basically didn't he didn't follow either it was back after we both met him on different shows. Well, it was way worse for me. And we hope he noticed. Yeah.

I won't be voting for you. It was way worse for me. He followed everybody else on my show except me. He took a personal grudge against me. We were desperate for the attention of Boy George. He didn't give it to us.

He's a lovely man though. Go on. He is. He is a nice man in fairness. Mike Tindall. I did Bear Grylls with him. One of the nicest men on the planet. He's a very kind man. I'm not familiar with Mike. He's a rugby

player and he's married to the royal Zara Tindall who's also a lovely person. Oh yeah. I kind of, yeah. Kind of. Yeah. I think I know who he is. Yeah. I reckon I'm going to put my money on Mike because he's such a nice person and he's very able.

So I reckon he would probably win it. Sean Walsh is tipped to go in. I love a bit of Sean. Olivia Atwood, who is on. I'd vote for Sean if he went in. I'd vote for Sean. OK, I'm going to vote for Mike Tindall. You vote for Sean.

We'll see who we can get to win. I do love when they tell who's gonna be who's gonna be honest I think I think that seems like a good a good group of people and also you wouldn't have caught me dead particularly in that castle it looked absolutely there's nothing I find worse than being cold I had two water bottles last night when we were filming one down the front of my trousers and one down the back of my trousers I can't bear being cold I actually do you know what there was definitely a conversation

had about me doing Celebrity Jungle and you've just reminded me it was actually the year they were going to Wales Joanne you wouldn't have lasted a second

so I said it wasn't the right time for me anyway but I was like well I'm definitely not going to do it if you're going to Wales come on now we love Wales

we do love Wales but like it's too cold to be outside in Wales what I mean is look I'm a huge fan of Wales a lot of my friends have been there I thought you were

going to say a lot of my friends are Welsh I was like that lying bitch a lot of my friends have passed through Wales at times

when we get the ferry we drive through there quite a bit. Yeah, I've heard of Wales, okay? There's a sexy thing about a Welsh accent though, like that would get me now. A guy, it doesn't matter what you look like, if you're hitting me with a Welsh accent, get in the car. You're coming home. Let's talk about the hot topic of this week james corden james corden james now i'm pretty sure

we've spoken a little bit about james corden before and when we spoke about him we definitely said that he has he's he's meant to be an arsehole but anyone could say you're meant to be an arsehole right okay so this week james corden he is he was on a TV show over in the UK and he was a host, a TV host over here in the UK. And then he moved to America and he's got this huge hosting job over there. And wherever James Corden goes, it seems to follow him that he's an arsehole. People that work for him say he's an arsehole. Places he go, people say he was an arsehole places he go people say he was an arsehole well he took it a little bit too far and he went to this restaurant called Balthazar in New York

and he supposedly abused two of the wait staff one of them because he said that they had gotten a tiny bit of egg yolk in his wife's egg white omelette no other way around weirdly what? she of egg yolk in his wife's egg white omelette. No, other way around, weirdly. What? She wanted egg

yolk and they put in egg white. I know. Well, that's just unacceptable. You can't order that. No. It does seem really bizarre, doesn't it? Especially in America, they're all like fitness mad that usually it's just egg whites. But like, she wanted egg yolks.

Which in America, it's like having a scrambled mars bar like yeah they went in with their fingers up being like fuck you i want the egg yes oh my god and they would have had loads of egg yolks left over because you're right they don't eat them over there but he went in anyway he was given eight and like joanne you have said this to me before right that you're you wouldn't even like give out if something was bad about your meal because like you don't want to be called out if something was bad about your meal because like you don't want to be called out for something like that I will would have to disagree with you if something was really bad with my meal like if I ordered a steak rare and it came well done like

I can't eat that steak I can't enjoy that steak so I would I'm talking about meat again again. I have lollipops of just like lumps of chicken downstairs. I just walk around eating a lollipop, gnawing on a wing. No, so I wouldn't be able to eat it. So I'd send it back, but it'd be really nice about it. And I think that particularly with waitstaff, I used to work in restaurants for years and years and years and people could be like so rude to you for no reason like if they're in a bad mood and they take it out on you that can ruin your whole day and you've done nothing wrong um and I there's nothing worse when you hear of someone being an arsehole but that's not to say you can't send something back it's the way you send it back well I think firstly your man who runs the restaurant Balthazar from the small bit of reading

that I've done he's a bit thirsty himself and he tends to do this he like he's kind of famous for publicly banning celebrities and then welcoming them back and it's all pure for him as well if I was him and I think it's Keith McNally actually yes it is I wouldn't I wouldn't be telling the world that there was fucking hair in my food because there was a hair in a food now I don't mind hair in a food I'll eat around it because i'm disgusting no no i know i couldn't they always think he's nodding he's just i'll just eat around her what the two of you would eat around a hair like no the one thing i will not accept is runny eggs if i've asked for hard eggs i will send them back but anything else i would very i wouldn't really bother my hell

but the james corden thing i think the the problem with James is he's overexposed and it's trendy to not like James. It's like, he's like a culotte, do you know what I mean? Or a Tamagotchi. It's like a trend to hate James Corden. He's basically a human crock. He's everywhere and everyone hates him.

I'm not going to jump on the bandwagon. I think, given the benefit of the doubt, but I do think Kat sent people over the edge. I think that was kind of the final straw for him. I think given the benefit of the doubt but I do think Kat sent people over the edge I think that was kind of the final straw for him I think he seems okay

also this is what I say all the time stop expecting celebrities to be sound think of them as evil puppets in your television

and then you won't be disappointed they're just evil puppets in your tally listen to me I'm just saying that he apologised

to your man from Balthasar and I'm sorry I actually am going to say something as well Balthasar is not that great

not that great very hard to get a table not that great I'm just saying I'm just saying see there as well Balthazar's not that great not that great very hard to get a table not that great I'm just saying I'm just saying see there you go it's obviously not great there's hairs in the food

yeah but like the thing about it is he apologised so obviously he was really rude to the service so he apologised to your man and then the next day he does an interview

with the New York Times and he's like I did nothing wrong blah blah blah like which one is it James you either apologise and say that I shouldn't have been an arsehole to staff

or you're kind of nice. And just like, if you don't like the food, grand, send it back. But don't ruin someone else's day because you're grumpy. Eggs are, it's always eggs. It's always eggs. Eggs are problematic. So apparently once he was, someone was on a show and they dared him. They were like, name two cameramen who basically have worked on the show for years or drink a fish smoothie.

And he had to drink the fish smoothie. What? He couldn't even name the cameraman? Well, I mean, we called Joe Joe because I couldn't remember his name. Fuck, I called him Joe. Joe, what is your name? Who cares? Shut up. Back in your box, Back in your box.

Back in your box. That is... Now, that's terrible. Come on. That is terrible. Tony Robbins. I find him odd. I'm sorry.

There's something odd about him to me. My favourite thing is that he jumps up and down a miniature trampoline before he goes on stage. Something I think we should look into for our ghosted tour. Get the energy up. Get the blood flowing to the head. Did you ever see that trampoline thing? I posted it again recently and it's literally like,

I'm fine, dry. And then you're like bouncing on these trampolines and they've got this mad techno music and you've got like two trampolines. Bounce on one, bounce on the other one. We'll get that. I'll find it. Don't worry, I'm going to get that teacher.

We'll do that before the show. That would... Tony Robbins, Vogue. Tony Robbins. Okay, sorry. I really want to get that teacher. We'll do that before the show. That would... Tony Robbins, Vogue. Tony Robbins. Okay, sorry. I really want to do the trampoline. Tony Robbins, Vogue. Can I just say one thing about Tony Robbins?

You love talking about him. You've brought him up about three times now. Yeah, you fancy him. Well, he's a huge character. Like, it's like, he's Tony. Go on, tell me. Tony Robbins. So I did

I just I googled a bit of like celebrities behaving badly in restaurants oh Julia Roberts tips 100% I like Julia Roberts

and apparently she's mad for the Grey Goose vodka while her twins won riot in restaurants she just slams down the vodkas and then tips 100%

Tony Robbins apparently he was in this restaurant and the bill was like two grand and he spoke at the table and then he left and they're like

you have to pay us and he goes I'm not paying you I didn't make the booking and they're like but it's two grand and he's like tough shit I'm not paying

what? yeah self help guru helping himself I didn't yeah he's like I didn't make the booking they're like

but it's your name and the booking and everyone left and you were at the top of the table and he's like I'm not paying some people are do you know what do you know now in fairness like I didn't make the booking they're like but it's your name and the booking and everyone left and you were at the top of the table and he's like I'm not paying some people are

do you know what do you know now in fairness like I'm not I'm not actually excusing him at all but maybe he's so famous and his friends

always make him pay and he's like this is bullshit I've had enough I feel that's quite personal to you about that that felt quite pointed

it absolutely is not I actually I went for lunch the other day and I went to pay and my friend had paid for me because I had done her a favor.

And I thought, that's very nice, but it also makes me feel a bit guilty. But thank you for my crab claws. Actually, back to Tony Robbins for a second now that you've brought him up. Imagine paying to go to his show. I would go. I find him very inspiring. I find him very motivational because he just fires information at you and I don't retain any of it. Basically, the bottom line is the only celebrity I don't retain any of it. Basically,

the bottom line is the only celebrity you can trust is Colin Farrell. Joanne, I know I love Prada Peter so I'm not saying anything about Prada Peter. I'd love if you

went out with Colin Farrell. I know. You'd be great together. Actually, no way. I think he doesn't drink anymore. Oh, Christ. I think that's it now. Sober sex with Colin Farrell.

If I was going to write anyone sober, it'd be Colin Farrell. There, I said it. Jo, make that happen, will you? And if Joanne's too busy, I'm also available, no. Sober sex with Colin Farrell. If I was going to write anyone sober, it'd be Colin Farrell. There, I said it. Joe, make that happen, will you? And if Joanne's too busy, I'm also available, Colin. Okay?

We'll pleasure him simultaneously. I'll take the mouth. I'll do the affectionate stuff like kissing his face and rubbing his hands and stuff. And then you can, I don't know. No, you do the blowies. I'm doing the mouth.

No, your mouth is bigger bigger we want to give Colin the full experience we don't want him to leave us folk it has to be good he could have two dicks it's Colin Farrell you don't know

this is absolutely true Spenny does think he looks like Colin Farrell I'm like he doesn't no in fairness

he doesn't it's the same hair colour that's it Spenny's got a rich head Colin Farrell's got like a soul to the earth head yeah he does yeah do you want to hear about

other celebrities that got banned from places this is a great one Lindsay Lohan was banned from a hotel for not paying her $46,350 bill like

I wouldn't really care if I was banned if they let me away with nearly 50 grand's worth of hotel fees, fine. Bar me. On to the next. So true. You're like, oh no. James Corden's obviously in there. What other ones did I like?

Britney Spears got kicked out of Chateau Marmont. She smeared a plate of gourmet food on her face and the guests complained. Oh, wow. But also, I don't think I'd even go out of my way to complain that someone was smearing food on their face. Once they weren't smearing it on my face, I'm just kind of happy for people to do whatever they want. It's Britney Spears, bitch. Like, do you know what I mean? You're getting a full performance. Leave her alone. I might not follow her, but like, leave her alone. might not follow her but like leave her alone to see Madonna's

looking for a new trainer what do you mean so Madonna in I don't know what's going on with magic at the moment but anyway she put up an insta story basically she's looking for a trainer someone has to have the experience or sorry not a trainer yeah no it is a trainer it's a trainer but I think it's a dance dance trainer and fitness they're willing to kind of relocate to New York it shows you're kind of lifting weights and then kind of gently masturbating at the end it's all very odd I don't know I don't know is I don't I think Madonna feels like she's hit that age where my mom said that like she's hit a certain age and it's like people just like look past you and maybe that's what happened to Madonna and she's like listen you won't be looking past me

and no one looks past Madonna let's be honest yeah it's the invisibility it's the invisibility factor for women that's what happens to women apparently we get invisible

that's why I wear so much high vis I'm not fucking going down I better highlight her so the last banning Will Smith 10 years banned from the Oscars 10 years

well he's probably delighted because like I mean I'd love to go to the Oscars 10 years well he's probably delighted because like I mean I'd love to go to the Oscars obviously because I'll never get to go so you're like I'd love to go but if you're going all the time

you'd be like this is a bit boring he won't be missed I really at the time that was very hard to kind of hard to absorb at the time

I know in hindsight now I will tell you it's really bad I know but he has an amazing movie coming out that I've seen a trailer for and I think that

that's going to bring him back for everybody. I really like Will Smith. I don't I find his family bother me for some reason. I don't know why I just have a thing

about his family. I'm not mad for them. Yeah they're a bit smug. Anyway look it comes back it comes back to the theory evil puppets in the telly. Evil puppets. Evil puppets in the tally yeah evil puppets evil puppets in the tally

the only girl band I would even consider joining is Girls Aloud I'd love to be in Girls Aloud that was or come on the Spice Girls

you could be in Girls Aloud I'll be in the Spice Girls actually shit hold on what have I done I read an interesting article this week and I thought

I'd like to share it with you Vogue okay go do you know what patron saint yeah obviously there's like Saint Anthony

if you've lost things or the child of Prague for the weather and all that jazz I have beef with Saint Anthony by the way I lost a really nice

ring of mine and he still hasn't come up with the goods. Fucking St. Anthony. Probably took it. I'd say he's got a very successful pawn shop up in the clouds. Absolutely.

Now, I'm really shocked because I'm telling you, he finds everything, Joe. I am not joking you. He finds everything. And I was actually quite surprised. He might have been having a day off. Maybe I'll try him again next week when I get home I wonder has he found my dignity I'll pray

to him later um so anyway it turns out there's let me get Patron saints for like everything. Like the most random stuff. Like? Murderers have their own patron saint. Do they? What's their patron saint? Saint Julian. So apparently he set up this hostel back in the day.

I like to say back in the day. It could have been 60 AD. It could have been 2004. I don't know. Okay. He set up a hostel back in the day, it could have been 60 AD, it could have been 2004. I don't know, okay? But he set up a hostel back in the day, but it was because he killed his parents.

Anyway, he became the patron saint of murderers. Of course they'd be praying to kill time, not people. Then, Saint Drogo, patron saint of the mingin. Of the mingin?

Yeah. Patron saint of the unattractive. Ah, list that. So we pray to him in the morning, V list that. Pray to him in the morning, Vogue. We pray to him in the morning. We have Saint Giles.

Yeah. Who apparently went out again back in the day. It could be in the 80s. Could have been 3 BC. I don't know. But it was back in the day.

He went, he lived as a hermit and lived off the breast milk of a deer. So he's now the painter and saint of breastfeeding and Edinburgh

strangely so if you wake up in Edinburgh with your tits hanging out you've obviously prayed too hard to St. Giles oh god St. Nicholas now this is a bit odd

that's Santa Claus yeah so he obviously got a big promotion but St. Nicholas is was patron saint of sailors thieves

prostitutes students and unmarried people weird cohort of people who are just praying not to get an sti i don't know or like basically just he's patron saint of anyone who can't get a mortgage from what is he also santa yeah and then he got promoted he's santa now so i don't know okay do you know there's a saint vogue i can't find it but my auntie told me there's a patron saint Vogue

I'm telling you Saint Isidore patron saint of the internet what who was alive in 600 AD so probably has the

tech skills of you and me put together Vogue basically yeah he's the patron saint of the reboot I don't know how he got that job that's a bit stupid the Pope gives

Pope Genie when he goes to he's like alright this is a how he got that job. That's a bit stupid. The Pope gives, the Pope genuinely goes to, he's like, all right, this is a new thing called the internet, right, it needs a sound. Who's up?

Isidore. Well, that's because he probably doesn't have anything else to be doing with himself. Well, in fairness, the Pope is probably a busy man.

But you know what? Why are the Popes always so old? Why don't they get someone young? They just have to work their way up. You can't just wake up a Pope. Well,

Rishi Sunak is the youngest Prime Minister now that they've ever had. He is have to work their way up. You can't just wake up a Pope. Well Rishi Sunak is the youngest Prime Minister now that they've ever had. He is yeah and the richest. How rich is he? Here Saint Adrian well his wife

is a billionaire Saint Adrian of Nicodemia painting Saint of the Arms Dealers. My God I would have thought the guns were protection enough apparently not

they need a painting Saint. Saint Claudilde is painting Saint of Disappointing Children. Now What are you trying to say? Apparently not. They need a patron saint. Saint Claudilde is patron saint of disappointing children. No. What are you trying to say? I'm trying to say Gigi better

acquaint yourself with Saint Colaltailed. My mom came home from Spain yesterday and she came up to Gigi. I wasn't hearing she rhyming.

She's like, Gigi didn't play strange at me. She was really nice to me. I was thrilled. Yeah, she knows what she's doing. She's like, she didn't play strange at me. She was really nice to me. I was thrilled. Yeah, she knows what she's doing. It's coercive control. We're all in a coercive control relationship with Gigi. We're being coercively controlled.

St. Barbara, paint a saint of anything that goes boom. Fireworks, artillery, lighting. Joanne sat at home looking at all this stuff. After her hieroglyphics lesson, she decided to move on to saints. Always broadening that mind. St. Barbara.

So if your phone charger starts fizzing, pray to St. Barbara. Don't. Unplug it. House responsibly. Thanks for that. I'm enlightened. Why didn't you find St. Vogue?

There's a St. Vogue and I can't find it. I've Googled it. I think it's bullshit, mate. It's not bullshit. My auntie told me that... I'm going to text her. My auntie told me that... I'm going to text her. My auntie told me

there was some vogue. St. Genesis. Patron saint of clowns, movies, actors, plumbers and torture victims. Come on. That is it for this week's pod.

Sorry for cutting you short there on your old saint-ies, Joanne. St. Captain of Alexandria. Patron saint of unmarried girls, apologists, pottery spinners, archivists, dying people, educators, girls, jurors, knife sharpeners. We've had a lovely time. Do you remember that? We've ran out of time.

I'm still speaking. It's like, you play the music. Do you know when they get an award, they just play the music over the people they're trying to say. We've had a lovely time. See you later. Mail us in. Hello at mtgmpod.com. And if you would like to hear any more about Saints,

Joanna's doing an Insta Live this evening at seven on her page. Head over there for all the crack and a bit of hieroglyphics. She's also a page of the age of maidens, mechanics, millers, hat makers, nurses, philosophers, preacher, scholars, school teachers, scribes, secretaries,

spinsters, stenographers students this is like remember you did those what do you want to be what will you be when you grow up quizzes online okay

Joe hello Joe Joe Joe what's your real name laughing music music music music