My Therapist Ghosted Me - Hoof Shoes, Cuffing Auditions & #TeamRuth

Episode Date: September 27, 2024

You know if you hear your friend sing a bit and you go "oh my god that was amazing..." Well, listen out for that moment today. Plus, Vogue's joined the disgusting shoe game and everyone is team Ruth Langsford.If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] review Global's Privacy Policy: global.com/legal/privacy-policy/For merch, tour dates and more visit: www.mytherapistghostedme.com/For more information about Joanne's gigs, visit: www.joannemcnally.comThis episode contains explicit language and adult themes that may not be suitable for all listeners.Thank you!

This is a Global Player original podcast. Hello and welcome to another episode of My Pair Pus Ghosted Me. It is myself, Joanne McNally, and and is herself Fog Williams. ["Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy"] Do you know they found part of that sub? Did you see that in the papers? Was this recently now because it- Yeah. Go on, where did they find it?

Well, where it blew up. That's mad. I found it in each of the tags. Well, I mean, you wouldn't know where the tie to take it. That is very true. Do you know what I mean? This is worse. But I'm still iced. Do you know what I think about?

I'm not going to say every day, because that would be a gross exaggeration, but more regularly than maybe I should. Go on. Malaysian Airlines. I'm still waiting for that to pop up. It's really, I don't know if it's going to. People steal jets though. Remember we found that like jumbo jets. Remember those men that stole a jumbo jet? So maybe, no, I don't know. What do you to. I people steal jets though. Remember we found that like jumbo jets.

Remember those men that stole a jumbo jet. So maybe. No, I don't know. What you mean that someone stole Malaysian Airlines. They're still finding them right. It's like throwing out a petrol at this stage. Or. Do you think someone's just doing laps with it up there? No, I think so.

I don't know what someone's doing. Like a ghost plane. They've taken out the black box or something maybe. But they can't find it. That's the problem. Your man, like I think it was definitely intentionally done. It comes on two sides. Some people are like, no, it was an accident.

Some people are like, where the pilot flew. Yeah, I was intentional and he flew it intentionally. Very, very strategic, very, very smart plan. Flew it into the deepest part of the ocean. The hardest part. Like imagine every single country that was looking for it. No, all their experts. No, none of them could find it, not a single thing. I think a little bit of debris washed up somewhere at some stage, but that's it.

The whole thing completely disappeared. Think of all that poor booze lost to the ocean. The trolley. That's what I want back, the trolley. You should get one of those trolleys for your house. I think that'd be so funny for you. You should get out of your bed. You should go get your booze trolley and bring it into your room, then jump back into bed

and be like, yes, please, I will actually. That is so funny. Surround yourself at the weekend. A single woman's role play. Serving myself drinks from a chariot of booze in my own room. I would don't mind if I do, actually. I worked out my devote to you actually. I will have a double.

You're going to have some Pringles. Green Pringles, I mean. I can't eat Pringles anymore after someone tell me that they go on fire. Now, I love a Cheeto myself and I love that really heavy bag of jalapeno Cheetos. But I saw something on Instagram where there were maggots in the Cheetos, but really microscopic maggots. And I just thought that can't be true for all the Cheetos. There's maggots in the Cheetos, but really microscopic maggots. Yeah. I just thought that can't be true for all the Cheetos.

There's maggots in everything. Just plastic and everything. Like we're full of plastic now. Microplastics, whatever they are. We actually are. Yeah. Not just our face, like genuinely in our system. Like... Johan. Excuse Johan. What?

Is that only profilo? Yeah. I have a bit of profilo when I use a really good retinal. Yeah. I can't wait for our collaborative communal facelifts. As we hold hands in the opposite gurneys. Well did you see Catherine Ryan was... Oh my God, imagine there was a mistake in the hospital and they put your face back on me and my face back on yours like they do sometimes with babies.

John Travolta. It's only a mix of babies in the hospital and someone gets the wrong baby? Imagine I wake up with your face and you wake up with mine. Stinger for you. Your skin's great, I'd be thrilled. That's actually true, yeah. Yeah, I saw Catherine Ryan. She's doing a lot of research around the facelift area and she told me that her mom is getting, she bought her mom a facelift. I thought that was a very kind gift. Very generous. Very. Anyway, she's doing a lot of deep diving mom a facelift, but I thought that was a very kind gift. Well, very generous present.

Anyway, she's doing a lot of deep diving on potential facelifts. Yeah. Well, I think by the time I met a plastic surgeon as well, go on. And I told him we'd be looking for a discount. Of course. I met him at. Swipe up, swipe up.

Swipe the face off, yeah. Swipe up for a new face. I told him we'll be in trouble, but supposedly the perfect age to get one is 55. Sarah Jessica Parker has spoken openly about the fact she's like, I miss my window. She's like, I miss my window. Because remember Sarah Jessica Parker, like the aging process is so cruel because women get absolutely vilified. Did you see that babe Adriana Lima?

Yeah, she's I she was floating around my algorithm somewhere recently. Or my news feed. That's unusual. She was floating around my news feed. She was floating around my news feed. And I was like, oh, there's your one. And she had she had changed as in like she'd aged. And then they were all slagging her off and they were like putting up photos of the old her versus the new her and now she's gone off and done some sort of boot camp or something I don't know she's had maybe a lift and she's back and she's like I don't ever want to

be called because they were like when she was having her phase where she was just being a normal woman they were like oh look what's happened to the most beautiful woman in the world so now she's back she's back to the look that she had when they were calling her the most beautiful woman in the world and she was like I don't ever want to be called the most beautiful woman in the world. Do you know the pressure on that? I'm not allowed just age or get soft or live or enjoy my life, basically. By the way, and I know we talk a lot about work and all, and it's, you know, not for everyone, but I saw a baby with the most beautiful lips the other day.

I met the baby in the pub. Wait, who did them for her? That's what I was thinking. I said, come here, come here. Who did your lips? It was like she'd had a lip flip. I said, can I take a photo of your baby? Don't worry, it's just my plastic surgery.

It's nothing sinister. It's nothing sinister. It's just for my doctor. My mom was at this big playground where she lives and she was trying to send me videos at the playground. She's like, I'm a bit frightened to take videos in case people come over. Women can't. I think women can't.

No, women can be as creepy as men. Yeah, I'm not really, come on. I'm not fully, wait, where is this? We have to say that for diplomacy, but we know it's not true. Okay, you ready? Hello, not sure if you're going to be able to read this. Anyway, thought I'd share this to you. You're like, I can read.

Okay, Tanya. My sister had a mole by her nose since she was a child. We had a boat trip to Turkey for the rest of the day while on holiday in Rhodes this year. I don't know why I kept reading but I did. Whilst in Turkey a man from the restaurant came over to my sister and said she could remove the mole. She was a bit shocked and embarrassed but as it was only 65 euros she gave it a go. It was some kind of acid water anyway. It started to turn black and fell off hang on about a week later. She's now mold free. Mold free or mold free? Mold and mold free. Honestly it's like witchcraft. You're beautiful with anyway but just thought I'd share.

I'm sorry your mole is iconic. It has its own Instagram account. Yeah and it's too late for me anyway. I feel like Sarah Jessica Parker. If I'd done it earlier, it's got its own wrinkle around there too now. I have to leave it. Sarah Jessica Parker had hers taken off. Sarah Jessica Parker. Sarah. Do you want to disgust my shoes? I don't, but I feel I have to. I'll show it for a vid. Just. I've never seen. You should be on Vogue.

You walked in here. Everyone was like, everyone started getting sick. They're like hooves. You can see through them. They're transparent. For anyone who's took off access. For anyone out there fashionable, it's the mesh shoe that's in at the moment. It's a mesh sandal front and two kind of bondage straps across the top. And I honestly, the absolute neck and gall of you slugging my sandals,

my previous sandals, which I was shamed into selling. There is no way you made it. You didn't make a penny off those sandals. There's no way. I gave this big haul of clothes to the second hand. They're my clothes. They're selling them, obviously, second hand clothing website, which you didn't make a penny off those sandals. There's no way. You know, I gave this big haul of clothes to the second hand. My, well, they're my clothes. They're selling them, obviously, second hand clothes. And the money's going to Palestine.

And in that, I gave my sandals, which compared to the atrocities on your feet. Only last week, your slag and Spencer made his witchy boots. Chuan, Chuan, everybody, the hypocrisy of this. Everybody is in these shoes. And it's taken me a few months to get into wearing them because I thought to myself they're disgusting. It's a bit weird that you can see my toes. But I will say very airy.

They're very airy and they're fashionable. And that's all I am. They're like you've kidnapped a man from Burrkine and turned his outfit into a pair of sandals. They're my Burrkine sandals. I love them. I love them. My toe looks longer than it should, but I think they're great. And did you know that, speaking about my amazing

fashion, do you know supposedly we have to get our nips out now? That's all in fashion. I read it in that up down list. Nips. Yes. Well, I don't wear a bra from Thursday to Monday now. Do you not? No. For the summer. That's my new strategy. Men love a free tit. Not my free tit. But normal tits. My mum sent me a picture of me in a cowboy hat and knickers when I was like, no, probably about six, I was like, same. Exactly the same bot there.

So nips are out, butter is in. Everyone's eating butter again. What? Where are you? I never stopped eating butter. It's me neither. We've always been in fashion. Yeah, I love a bit of butter. Where are you getting this fascinating study from? From the Sunday Times Style Magazine. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, the hot and what's not list.

Yeah, I know, yeah, yeah. I have to make sure I'm in fashion. And you will have seen my shoes in that magazine. And if you pick up a grass here or something like that, I guarantee you, you'll find loads of different mesh sandals. I was considering a red pair. Let's just remember there was once a stage where people were wearing Ugg boots and crocs as well.

OK, doesn't mean just because it's the style magazine for the Sunday Times doesn't make it right. I'll see you in my mini Uggs probably in about a month. I have three pairs of mini Uggs and I will be breaking them out again. Heels are back in as well. Did you hear that? Heels are back in as well, did you hear that? Heels are back in. Gen Z and the footwear industry decided that heels are back.

I haven't worn a heel since my Debs maybe. I honestly feel like I'm in drag in heels. They're not for me. I can't walk in them. I wear them on shoots and I wear a small kitten heel when I go to work. Do you know what I'd love to try and walk in? Have you ever seen Daphne Guinness's those shoes that she wears?

No, she's very stylish. Very stylish. Those shoes are not. Come on. Look, imagine me in those shoes. I would look terrifying. Clicking around Battersea Park. Yeah, no, I'd like to give them a go. Yeah, if I had to wear heel, I'm going to go big heel. Yeah, I'm going to go. Some of your runners are like a heel as well, not those ones.

Yeah, I wear the naked wolf, the platform boots. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right for the leg. That's what heels do. They really slender out the legs, which, you know, you ever go around in your pajamas because this is the last fashion thing I'm going to talk about. But there was a survey done and said 33 percent of people said that they work in their pajamas or they like. I go out in my pajamas when I'm walking the dogs at night and stuff like that. I don't see anything wrong with that.

No, but your pajamas are probably quite classy. Well, they're kind of just striped like very banana pajamas. Oh, really? Yeah. I saw you in kind of a kind of a see-through gown maybe. Really? No. No. Is there anybody out there? Hello.

What's that from? What's that from? Armageddon. No. Is there anybody out there? No, I did hear you the first time. Yeah, but I just can't believe you didn't get what I was saying. Titanic.

You're not on the boat. Oh, sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was out on Friday, I was out on Friday, I was out on Friday, I was out on Friday, I was out on Friday, I was out on Friday, I was out on Friday, I was out on Friday, I was out on Friday, I was out on Friday, I was out on Friday, I was out on Friday, I was out on Friday, I was out on Friday, I was out on Friday, I was out on, but I just can't believe you didn't get what I was saying. Titanic. You're on the boat. Oh, sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was out on Friday with my friend, who's gay, and the two of us were sitting at a table drinking, reason so wise, and there was, I saw what I can own, honestly, nowhere to rely. Maybe the most beautiful man I've ever seen in my life in the wild, like I've seen beautiful men on- In Greek Street. I don't remember which one it was.

Well there was a ride in Greek Street a couple of weeks ago so much so that Spenny went up to him and was like oh my god you're gorgeous. Maybe it was him. And really tall. Yeah. Gorgeous man. Tattoos. Yeah.

Really tall tattoos, dark hair, amazing like this deadly like Govinci big kind of leather bomber jacket. So my friend, I'm straight, he's gay. And this absolute knockout was looking over at the table. He kept kind of looking over, looking over. He's in a relationship and I'm not. So he was like, yeah, no, no, I think he is looking over. He's looking at you, he's looking at you.

And I was like, good, he's looking over. He kept looking over, kept looking over. Then he starts coming over. Me and Ross start holding hands on the table. We were like, who's he here to collect? Who's he here to collect? One of us is going home with him. He's going home with him.

Did he work there? No. Yeah, he's like, Peter Pan. So who did he pick up? So he comes over to the table. He's like, can I get a lighter? Me and my friend are obviously digging deep for lighters. Hang on, grab one. Did you have to ask your friend to be occupied by you never find any?

I know I need to make a micro bag for those exact occasions. We need to win better later in a in a riot emergency. Anyway, it became clear very early on in the conversation because he looked at the two of us at the start. He was giving us he was being diplomatic. He was giving us equal eye attention. And then it was my friend. That's disappointing isn't it?

That he was gay. And I said, do you know what I said? I said, I'm going to address this on the podcast because I just, hot gay men, just be careful with your eyes. Just be careful. Don't be throwing your eyes around loosey goosey and the women like me think you're coming over to collect them and take them home. Just be careful with your eyes. I'm here to raise awareness. Hot men, keep your eyes straight in the gaze. Don't even look at middle-aged single women. It's unfair. It's cruel. It's actually quite rude. It's that's what I said to him. I said, well, you're fucking rude. Yeah, you're rude. You should wear those. What are those eye things that horses wear to keep them looking straight forward? Blinkers. Yeah. Here, gay men, hot gay men, wear blinkers.

But Hadley, like I was saying this to Hadley, who's my hairdresser, and a complete ride. He's a knock out, yeah. Real ride. And I said to him, oh, God, yeah, if I had just met you in Southow House, I would definitely try and try and. Yeah, he's got cream tats. Yeah, throw the leg over and he was like, would you? He was thrilled. Oh, yeah. He's got that vibe of like, I've just escaped from Wandsworth and I've snuck

into Southow House. Yeah. Wandsworth prison, I mean. Not the local area. There's nothing wrong with Wandsworth. Northern prison. Nothing wrong with coming from Wandsworth prison. Everyone's fine. Everything's OK. No judgment. Do you remember that woman who was riding that lad in the cell? Do you remember the police?

She was really good looking. She was gorgeous. Yeah. So we spoke about her on the pod. But so there was a woman who was a screw, as they call them. Yeah. And she was in Wandsworth Prison and she was riding a prisoner who was, in fairness, in her defense, a fucking knockout. He, I wouldn't say he was a knockout now.

And he had a pregnant girlfriend on the outside anyway. It's like, but like, I think that's the least of anyone's concerns. You're one who rode him in prison. Like, what's the point? I suppose it'd be quite sexy like, I think that's the least of anyone's concerns. You're one who rode him in prison. Like, what's the point? I suppose it'd be quite sexy, but like, she was obviously found it. I mean, I found it sexy and I wasn't even even in the cell at the time. I found it quite a raising. I'd just be too scared.

But she's going to prison herself as far as I know. Well, she probably would. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, what is she going to get charged with? She'll probably ride in prison. You can't be riding. You can't be riding prisoners in prison. It happens to actually a prisoner, but like, I don't know. I guess it's a I guess it's a conflict of interest. I actually I really wonder what she's going down for.

She's going down on. I know. I don't know. She'd have wafed her home as well anyway. Oh, that's what I wanted to tell you. I did like a job that I've wanted to do forever last week and it was just like I felt like it's nothing might happen from it but you know I got to spend time with Nicole Appleton. Go on. Yeah oh my god that's so weird you know we met the other day. Who? Louise. They're from different bands. Oh are they? No. Yeah. Can we get a fact check, Chris? No. Louise? Joe's all sick. All his kids are getting sick. FYI, he's had home covered in vomit.

God love him. I was just thinking about the washing. Honestly, the way to washing. No, Louise was there. She was in Eternal and Nicole Appleton is in is in All Saints. Anyway, she told me they're going to tour next year, and I thought that would be a great thing for us to go to. And also, we're going to go to the chorus in November. OK. I heard. Did you hear it?

Did you read the story that apparently Liam Geller was singing about opening the show, some boxing match and he was with Anthony Joshua. Yeah. Singing live. And apparently some people were saying it wasn't great. And they were saying that they were going to be returning Oasis tickets. And then Liam, of course, came out with his usual charm and discretion and told whoever was saying that they weren't real fans, they were just imposters and to fuck off. And he doesn't want them at the show anyway. And he'll take the tickets off them.

And they're all basically. Well, and I will forever defend Liam Gallaher. I just will. I just have to. And I listened to it because I was like, I want to see what he did. He didn't sing badly. He just sang differently. So he was. Yeah. So he was like, his voice is dropped. No, it's no. He was singing an Oasis song, but he sings it differently when he's on the album.

And so he was just singing it slightly differently. It wasn't that he was doing bad singing. Yeah. He just was singing differently. He wasn't doing a bad thing. He was just no spicing it up for himself. Also, let's be real, Liam Gallagher, like he was never really. I know he is technically a singer, but like he's not. He was never exactly Michael Buble.

Do you know what I mean? No, he wasn't. Yeah. Smagging around looking like a ride. Which had to be said for. Oh, God. We just went from Nicole Appleton to Liam Gallagher. I didn't even realize that she used to be married to him. She used to be married to him. Yeah. I wonder what happened there. Did you ask her?

No, I didn't. But of course. I asked her for a Fifth of Wises ticket. Are you joking? That's what I ask everyone I bump into. Yeah, yeah. Do you have a ticket? My mum's over at the moment. She's here for a couple more days. And I was speaking to her yesterday and unsolicited.

This just came out of her mouth. I said, Hey, Mom, how are you? It was on the phone just before she came. I just I didn't like the brown outfit you're wearing. I was like, excuse me. She just simply came out. But I was like, I don't remember asking you because, well, if you're giving it away, I don't want it. What was the brown outfit?

I wear a brown outfit on Lorraine and I got loads of comments on it. A nice comment said everybody wanted it. And then Sandra pipes up what I didn't like your outfit. I said, well, do you know what, Sandra? I'm going to tell you every single time I don't like your fucking outfit. Yeah. And I didn't like that stupid green jumper you wore the other day. I didn't either, Tyler. It's all ridiculous. You look double down. Joanne thinks the same.

Bit of news for this from the single community. It's cuffing season. Oh yeah. I want to know if this is. Okay. So cuffing is the season where single people start selecting each other to go out for the winter and then we break up again other to go out with for the winter. And then we break up again at the start of March when spring comes. So I will be holding auditions this weekend in my apartment. My mother's flying over, especially for us. Me and Pat, we are holding open auditions.

There is an application and you have bring your best. Bring your best five minutes. What will you be performing for us today? I forgot that it was that because I saw somebody say it's unusual when people get together at the start of the summer, because that's when you're meant to have like. Cocker summer. Yeah. Feral summer. Rock girl summer. Yeah.

Slaggy summer. So this is cuffing season. This is when we all settle down. I don't feel like you're enough of a slag this summer if I'm honest. No, I'm going to work on it. That was really that's like not great. Yeah, I'm getting an extra vagina with him for now. Yeah.

You know, you just get done now. You need to get your laser back That was really that's like not great. Yeah. I'm getting an extra vagina with him for next season. You know what you just get done now. You need to get your laser back on and all that stuff. So for cooking season, these are my requirements. OK, for any man looking to apply, there's an application form on juramaicnight.com. Are you going to also boost yourself on Hinge at the same time to hit all areas? I don't know. I don't know about boosting myself anymore. I mean, I've spent about 10 grand on that thing. I think it's time to join Fields.

I'm still, you know what I mean, sitting here, giving out. So you need to join Fields. You need to open the avenues, go back to Bumble or whatever it was called. What? Bumble? Is that what it was called? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe I need to open my game. I don't know. I thought maybe. Can't just be on one. I know. I'd be on all of them.

Anyway, go on, what do they need to do? So my criteria. Yeah. Hair, not essential. Agree. Okay. Tupes, open to it, but don't let me know about none of my business.

Don't wash it in mine around them. I wouldn't be into a toupee. I don't mind a toupee, they can look very well. They really glue them on good these days. I don't think, it's rich coming from me very well. Like they can they really glue them on good these days. I don't think I'd. It's rich coming from me because I've got fake hair, but like, yeah. Speaking of toupees, did you watch Monsters on Netflix yet? No, what is it? The Lyle and Eric Menendez story.

Who are they? They were two young American teenagers who killed their parents. Both of them did it. Yeah. And it is one of the best shows I have watched. Netflix are... fuck me. They're really good. Oh, my God. Let me just screen grab that. I couldn't put it down with my eyes all weekend. Really? Someone else said something about another show.

I was supposed to hold my coughing auditions this weekend, but I couldn't because I was busy watching Monsters. It's not coming up for me. It's very dark. There were some bits that even I who watch. I put on Mounters. Mounters. Mounters on Netflix. Monsters. The Tuanan Vogue story. The Mounters are back.

We should change the name of our pod to the Mounters. Do you know what I think is the best? Anyway, the Lyle and Eric Menendez story, I would, it's so dark. There's parts of it that I actually had to fast forward. I was like, because it's all there's a lot of us. There's like trigger trigger warning. A lot of stuff about sexual abuse and things like that. And they're trying to prove that that was what they did.

I won't ruin it for you, but I'm just saying it's there's parts that I was like, I'm going to have to fast forward that bit. And I don't say that likely. I know. Like I've watched the headings and stuff. I know, Joanne, I actually, you talking about watching the headings makes me feel really uncomfortable. Exactly, and imagine me having watched them.

Oh, God. Anyway, highly recommend Munchers on Netflix. Munchers. Munchers, the Kyle and Lyle Mandende story. Kyle and Lyle, it's about no one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm conscious of slowing down how we talk. It's about no one. I'm conscious of slowing down how we talk. I've had some feedback that some Australians are struggling to understand us. Since I've moved to the UK, I do speak slower. Yeah. But maybe because you're Irish, when I get around you, it speeds up. So sorry about Joanne, but it's not my fault. I'm lowering the tone.

Joanne is making you speak so fast. I did a deep dive on Moriah Carey, but I actually did it last week, but we forgot to talk about it. And I love Mariah Carey, but did you see her climb in the Great Wall of China? Oh, come on, tell me. So she basically got carried by a security guard to stand on the Great Wall of China to get her picture, because she had these really, really high heels on. But also, I saw another story in the press where Mariah Carey is running out of money because she's spending like a million quid a month. But she has so much

money. How much money? Imagine how much money she just gets for the eye. Even that. That was really good. Thanks. Wow. That was there, no. The first one was better. The first one was better, yeah. You were under pressure. Yeah, now everyone's looking at me. Go on, go on. Hold on a second. Testing, testing.

One, two, one, two. I. I. I. I. I. I. I.

I. I. I. I. I. Oh my God. I said maybe. When you have to do words. Just two noises.

I used to sing that at the beginning of the at the end of Prosecco when I did Prosecco over Christmas. Oh, because you were really good. It was the lie. I didn't sing it. What am I? Oh my God. That's such a lie. I played the song. Mar the lie. I didn't sing it. What am I? Oh, my God. That's such a lie. I played the song. Mariah, I didn't sing it at all.

God, I'm full of shit. It's an absolute tune. Remember last year, last year, we we just over Christmas, we released Good Girls together and Joanne said. I forgot about Good Girls. Well, I was like. You were number one of the charts. For like three minutes. Yeah, but Joanne was like, now all we need is for Shane McGowan to die. Remember you said that?

I said that as a joke. And two days later. Yeah. God rest his soul. God rest him. And obviously I didn't want that. I was joking. So basically we were doing really well on the charts with Good Girls, which was going to be our charity single. You said if he died now, he would knock us off our spot.

Yes. And I was like that. Ah well, he was grand. That's what I said. Two days. Two days later. He passed away. It wasn't just one song that went to number one.

All of his songs. It was like top ten. All Shane McGinn. I was like I need to stop speaking. I'm literally making shit happen with my mouth. Speak about good shit that could happen to us. I know. I tell you, I can predict a lot of stuff.

You're gonna dig me back up ten years later and it going to have the date that you dig me up on. That's what Nostradamus did. Why don't you predict something for me then? What's going to happen to me in the next month? Anything good? I don't want to tell you. I know what's going to happen. I don't want to freak out. So I don't want to tell you on the record.

What's going to happen in New York and I'll tell you privately. What a yellow taxi. Sorry, Mariah Carey. OK, I read the article there like Mariah Carey scales the wall of China and he has like Mariah Carey's never scaled anything. You've seen her dance routines. She just gets carried around. Do you remember she used to just?

Yeah, exactly. But that's the way it should be. Oh, yeah. Do you remember she on her crib, her MTV cribs was amazing and she was just working out in the gym on a cross trainer in Massive Hills. Can you imagine putting Mariah Carey in a pair of runners? She probably just vomit and fall over. No, she's she just fall back because you don putting Mariah Carey in her pair of runners? She'd probably just vomit and fall over. No, she's... She'd just fall back because she doesn't know how to walk in them. Imagine putting her in a pair of Adidas Gazelles.

Can you imagine Mariah? Barbie. In a pair of Nike Air Max. She'd be like, eww. What are these? Oh, she was the first one to have kids at Nick Cannon. Twins with Nick Cannon, did you know that? Oh yeah, I remember that.

Yeah. Are you doing a deep dive on Mariah? Yeah. Okay. She hates JLo. She what? Her and JLo have a lot of beef. Jennifer Lopez, you know.

No, I know, of course I know JLo, with the glow. She wrote your song in 15 minutes. That's how long I'm supposed to write that. Did she? Yeah. She was called Mariah at school because she never showed up for lessons. That's a great new claim. She's Irish, basically.

Her mom is Irish American so she's Irish. We'll take her. We'll take her. Some of them we don't want. Some of those people who claim to be Irish we're like no no no no. Oh! Or some people who are Irish just like no no no no. Are you taking back? Yeah. Some people have asked us to hand in our citizenships. Maybe you. I haven't been asked. Thank you very much. Well they've asked me about you. Oh really? Some people have asked if you would stay in America. That's what they've said. I've said yes.

They said keep her in Denver. We're done with her. Speaking of Denver, they don't like you. They do not like me. Same thing happened in Canada. They don't like me. This is where was I? Winnipeg.

This is Winnipeg all over again. Seattle's selling surprisingly suspiciously well. There's a direct flight from Ireland to Seattle. Oh well I think it's also that there's a lot of Irish working in Microsoft in Seattle. Denver? And like I say I have no idea why it would sell but it's not. Denver's a funny one there's weird things going on in that airport and everything like there's secret tunnels and stuff that's real. What? Yeah Denver's like there's conspiracy theories around Denver airport.

Oh maybe that's where I'm going I love conspiracy theories. Denver's gorgeous you're gonna really like that. where I'm going. I love conspiracy theories. My ancient aunt's in Unuch. Denver's gorgeous. You're going to really like that. I have friends in Denver. I'll tell them to buy tickets. Please tell them to buy tickets. If anyone's listening. There's four of them.

It's a family of four. I'll send them your way. Please. Children. Anything. Animals. I'll take the animal pets. Sell them a ticket.

Just fill the seats, guys. It's going to be a lonely night in Denver. It's going to be a lonely night. What would you do if there's two people there and you still do it? I mean, I might as well. No, you don't do it for two minutes. No, do you know what I'd do? I'd just be like, should we just go for a drink?

To be honest, if I knew I had two tickets sold, I wouldn't go. Yeah, OK. You'd have to pull up beforehand, really, wouldn't you? Imagine just showing up for two. I think that'd be quite nice of you. Very professional. In Edinburgh, sometimes, back in the day, you'd have to pull up beforehand, really, wouldn't you? Imagine just showing up for two. I think that'd be quite nice of you. Very professional. In Edinburgh, sometimes, back in the day, you'd have small audience turnouts and you just put them on the list. Well, I was always very lucky. I was lucky enough that I never did an Edinburgh show to like four people.

That never happened. Does that sometimes happen to people? Apparently so. I told you the story about the guy who did his whole show to one person and the lights came up and it turned out that one person was a jacket. No. Did I not tell you that story before? No. Now, I think it's an urban myth. Fair play to him. For doing the whole show. Yeah. I mean, apparently that's and he tried to do a bit of crowd work

with that person and he was like, oh, where are you from? And they wouldn't speak. So he's like, I'm just going to power on. Now, it's probably bullshit. But then the light came up and it was a jacket. Yeah, that's it. That's the, that's the rumor. Fair play slash Scarlet from. I wouldn't like to do that to one person. Oh, you mean do the whole show to one person. That's basically a lap dance with jokes.

As everyone knows, we're very team Ruth Langsford. Oh, I love Ruth Langsford. In the Ruth Langsford and Eamonn Holmes breakup. And for anyone, any foreign friends who aren't aware, just give it a little Google. Give it a Google and your team Ruth. I will tell you in advance. Yeah, your team Ruth. And this, there was a story that ran and I'm sure it's not true, but it did kind of make me laugh.

Basically, Eamonn is, uses a wheelchair from time to time because he has quite a bad back condition. Eamonn has Eamonn and Ruth have separated. Eamonn is now going on holidays with his new girlfriend, who is significantly younger than Ruth and blah, blah, blah. Very quick turnaround on the new girlfriend. Classic. I mean, you'd wonder what was actually going on there now. Anyway, we're Team Ruth. That's all we need to say about that. And basically, apparently, Aiman had to go around to Ruth's house, the home that they used to share, to take some clothes, to bring on his holiday

with his new girlfriend and Ruth. The story says, the story goes that allegedly Ruth had the stair lift removed while he was on the way over so that he could knock it up the stairs to get his clothes to go on his holidays with his new girlfriend. Right? Now, I know myself having lived with the stairlift, they're ugly as fuck. OK, and you get rid of them immediately. Immediately. Yeah, you're not going to. So I have no doubt in my mind that Ruth already had the stairlift removed.

Yeah. It wasn't intentionally done. Quick, quick, quick. Get the stairlift out. He's on the way. He's three minutes away. Get him down. Do do do do do do. They're all there with screws, the whole family coming together to immobilize Eamonn Holmes. You and I over smashing it up. We'll get him down.

Yeah. Women gather. We're all taking it down. Anyway, we could just pull it down with our thoughts. Wanker! I am, we're manifesting it down to the ground. So anyway, it got me thinking about kind of petty stuff people do when they break up. Now I, can I say one thing on it first of all?

I would be like, get your shit out of my house now. Get all your clothes, get all your shit. The second you've decided you're going on holidays, but you get lost. And by the way, he is lucky she didn't shred all of his clothes because there is potential that like, like I'd have it all bagged up. I'd have Kevin Carey over. It would be gone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'd make Kevin Carey charge them triple.

I know. Yeah. Kevin Carey is her moving man just for anyone who doesn't. Who isn't listening to the podcast chronologically. I'm never not on to him. I'm like, me again. I need to get some stuff downstairs, Kevin. Are you around? Would you mind bringing the Barbie Dream Haze back upstairs? The bins need to go out, Kevin. Would you mind coming over from Ireland and getting them done?

So anyway, it made me look at kind of petty stuff people have done in breakups. Do you know what? One of the things I regret most about myself is, and I know I am petty, but I haven't done any really crazy shit in a breakup. I just I don't have that energy. I've never done that whole kind of kind of putting a fish in someone's radiator. I don't. I wish I was crazier. I don't. I've never had the kind of balaclava key in a car energy. You have a different kind of revenge

that you go for and you go on the revenge of like like upping your life games. So you look like your life improves vastly. And that's kind of your revenge. I prefer that kind of revenge. Although like sometimes like you know, you've been really

wronged. Like sometimes there was times that I was like, oh God, I wish that had come out. So everyone would know. And then I'm like, oh God., I wish that had come out. So everyone would know. And then I'm like, oh, God, but really, you actually probably don't want you're better off. This is why even with the Ruthename thing, she is coming off so well from this because she's just like living her life, doing her thing.

Yeah. She said nothing. She's taking the high road. Nothing. And I think that's why people were dying to run the story about her taking the stairlift out and you know, Joanne and I took the stairlift. Let's clear this couple of things up here. OK, me and Vogue did that. Ruth just watched. She just handed the tools.

She just passed us the Allen key and let us do it ourselves. We heard Eamonn wheeling up the drive. Go, go! No Bermuda shorts for you, you prick. You're gonna have to go on holidays in your suit. Ha ha! Whatever you wore on GB News this morning, that's all you have. You'd be like that. If you left Spencer, you'd be like, shit, the vacuum packed bags. I forgot to stick my summer gear. If I left Spencer, he'd be out of the fucking house. Not me, obviously. I'm staying there.

So anyway, I found a list of petty stuff that people have done. My ex ran off with a married woman, so I slept with her husband. No, my ex ran off with a married woman. Oh, so she slept with her husband. Yeah, but she doesn't give a shit if she's gone off with your ex. They lasted six months where the husband and I have been married for 21 years. OK, that's nice. I enjoy that. Yeah. What a love story. Isn't it? I like that. How did you start?

We got fucked over by our exes. Getting fucked over is our exes. Getting fucked over is probably the best thing that will ever happen to you, by the way, I think. Anger is very motivating, isn't it? Yeah, it really is. Here's one. I cut holes in all of his boxers where his balls would sit, folded them up nicely and gave them to him when he moved in with the woman he ghosted to our children and me for. I think that feels a bit a bit violent for me.

I prefer the other one. That's fine. That's just arts and crafts. All she's doing is cutting holes in material. She could be making a cushion. But that's a lot of effort for you as well. I'd already kicked him out when I got a notification on my phone that an Amazon delivery was on its way.

I hadn't ordered anything so I looked it up. Turns out he'd ordered one of those period cups for the girl he cheated with. So I ordered a vibrator on his card. When he confronted me about it, I told him, you wrote something for her pussy. So I bought something for mine. Oh, my God. Well, I mean, what a strange gift. So when he gave me a period cup for me, I'd be like, babe.

You're one party bought it herself with your man's card. It's hardly something you wrap in a box and bring home, is it? Well, I was actually thinking of trying one out. So like, I wouldn't mind one. Yeah, but I don't want to be given a gift. What's the worst gift someone's ever something you wrap in a box and bring home, is it? I was actually thinking of trying one out, so like I wouldn't mind one. Yeah, but I don't want to be given a gift. What's the worst gift someone's ever given you? Well, the worst gift I've ever given anyone else was the sellotape dispenser that I got from my father for Christmas one day.

My mother still has it. It's 25 years old. It's only the old shit never died. I'll tell you what, that was worth it then. I've got given a Hoover before, but I actually did really like it. That's a great gift. Yeah, it was one of those Mila ones. I think I still have it because they last like 12 years. That's fab.

Actually, it was, oh sorry, that was a wedding present from me and my ex-husband and I kept it. Someone sitting there going, I gave it that for a wedding. A lot of women cutting up clothes. That's like a lot of people cutting up each other's clothes. I just feel like that's a lot of a lot of work. I think I would want to remove everything of them from the house. That would be like my main thing. And then I would scroll away the things that

I really want to keep, like the Hoover and stuff. And then like, I was quite clever, certainly in my last break of like about moving stuff before. Funds overseas and stuff. You know, not funds. There was no funds, but Hoover's, etc. Yeah, yeah. My favorite place. Yeah. They do say, they do say like that sometimes people are like they'd be moving stuff out slowly for months. That's what I was doing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because they knew they were going to go. I tried to take the cage, but it was too noticeable. But I did get it in the end. The front door is gone. Where's it gone? This is one of my favorites. I saw my ex in the supermarket and so I went up and told the end. The front door is gone. Where's it gone? This is one of my favorites. I saw my ex in the supermarket, and so I went up and tell the security staff I'd seen him shoplifting.

Do you know that I broke up with the guy before and I'm pretty sure he kept some of my very expensive clothes. I didn't have a lot of expensive stuff at the time. I too, quite pricey jackets. He had to move my stuff out for me because we weren't in on speaking terms. OK, and those I had two, as I say, quite pricey items of clothing that never reappeared, and I'm thinking that it was an act of pettiness on his behalf. And you know what, fair play to him.

Well, I will take your side on this because I will always take your side. But I might just suggest that- No, I know what you're gonna say. You lose stuff. They might- This is classic gaslighting, Vogue. I'm just gonna say, they might show up in six months or so. Yeah, or they might show up on him on his Instagram account

and then won't you be sorry. If I see his new girlfriend wearing those items of clothing, I will kick off. I would. I will. I would die if that happened. There's no way those are going to show up somewhere there in your mum's house or something. I have searched high and low. High and low like a sign in the neighborhood and everything. Gold bomber jacket missing. I simply don't believe you.

I swear to God, and I'm pretty sure. It was a lesson. I'm pretty sure they're taking me. Here's one. I sewed raw tuna into the bottom of his curtains. That's disgusting. This is why women need to take home economics. You need to learn to stitch.

Would you not just get pate or something like that? That's just easier. Just rub pate everywhere. Stop showing your privilege. Everyone's going to pour pate over. Sorry, Brussels pate from Tesco is you get a great deal on that stitch. You're trying to be relatable.

You can't get a range of pate. You get a bit tuna. That time I was in Lidl. Lidl. What was it? Lidl, Lidl. My auntie calls it Lidl and I'm like, stop calling it. They always stop calling it Lidl, Lidl, my auntie calls it Lidl and I'm like, stop calling it Lidl. Look, Nio, your kitchen is so busy. What's everyone doing here?

I thought you could go down and just get your photo taken a little and then just get out straight away. Oh, hi. Your door's screaming, crying. I just wander around hoping loads of people will see me. I'm obviously not shopping. I'm doing a meet and greet down in Liddell today from 10 to 2. Just to show them one of you. And then I'm going to pop across to the local Aldi and I will see you there next.

One of my friends, I don't know why I thought this was so funny. She's kind of breaking up with someone at the moment. They've broken up, but they were supposed to meet at the weekend and they didn't meet and they didn't like he didn't ring her and, you know, do you know what I mean? Something's kind of like ending. Yeah. You go, it just gets a bit shit at the end and you kind of feel sick.

And you're like, he didn't make the effort. And he's like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't call you this weekend. I was I was just so tired. And she goes, really, because your Strava says you do the 60 km cycle. Stop. Oh, God.

Cycling, as I've said before, cycling is a lot easier than. I said to her, he could have been in a sidecar. It could have been someone else pedaling and him just relaxing in a sidecar. You don't know. Yeah. You know, let's keep the Delulu going. The Delulu. Like lion bastard.

I was on Sunday brunch with Rosie Jones at the weekend and she was like telling everyone how brilliantly she did in the marathon because Ivo Graham was pushing her. He pushed her the whole way through the marathon and she said she just kept screaming at him. But they did it like, come on, move it! But they, he did it something like 340 and only because they had to navigate around people, people getting in their way, they could have done it like a three hour marathon. Whoa! I know, that's the best way.

All do a marathon one year. Svenny should do a marathon and push us around so we'll have done the marathon. That's a great idea. Yeah. He could wear us like, you know the way elephants have the saddles with the two bags on each either side? Like, one of those words, I was talking to this guy. Or those royal royal seats they put on the top of elephants.

Perfect. Yeah. I was talking to a guy and he was like, yeah, my wife did the marathon. And I was like, oh, how did she do? And he was like, well, you know, that man who had a fridge strapped to his back, he passed her out. I was like, oh, that's a really bad time. Yeah. That's terrible.

Before we wrap up, just one more gentle reminder that I will be in Denver. Hold on, let me get the date. Are you going to Denver first? Portland. Google up the, Google up, Google the conspiracy theories around Denver. I'm gonna be petrified. Actually, while Joanne is getting that up, I am gonna tell you that my new podcast is out.

Yes. Never Live It Down launched on Monday. So we have Catherine Ryan and Eshaan Akbar, who were our first two guests. We double dropped the episode. So it's out now wherever you get your podcasts. Congratulations, Vogue. Thank you.

Thank you very much. You're welcome. I will be in America, December. Notogue. Thank you. Thank you very much. You're welcome. I will be in America December not December. Not again. I gotta figure out what to do. Joanne is gonna be, will I sell you? I will be in America October 2nd I will be in Portland October 3rd I will be in Seattle October 5th I will be in Denver then you come over we're in Boston October 10th we're in New York on October 11th doing Ghosted. Then we go to Toronto October 12th Then I'm back on my own October 15th in Washington DC

If any of those interest you or take your fancy or you know, you're within those local areas Please send them our way. All tickets are available on drummichanine.com and all tickets are also available on my Ghosted therapist My therapist ghosted me.com I was doing so much VO for that Furby thing last week I ended up doing a video saying I meant to say Day 60 in the Furby bunker I said Day Furby in the 60 bunker I put it online and everyone was like are you okay?

I was like clearly not Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Music