My Therapist Ghosted Me - Howth: My Ass Is Now On My Shoulders

Episode Date: December 17, 2021

In the giddy week before the festive season goes probably mad (though Joanne reckons she won't do that this year), Vogue & Joanne caught up on dates, camels, ashes and a horrendous WhatsApp profile picture error. If you'd like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThank you!

People are loving the no intro, by the way. Ah, no, I had a couple of people mail me say they missed the intro. Can I give my honest opinion on the intro? I felt like it was just like, we had to wait till Joanne got it right two or three times, so I'm glad it's gone. Yeah, me too.

It was like a twister it's like do you remember Bosco do you remember the puppets and their necks used to get longer and they'd the rhymes yes

yeah that was what it was like oh my god I love them em I'm waiting so I was supposed to go on a date tonight with Spencer with your man

who looks like Spencer yeah yeah and em he's just, now this is where I'm like, is he real? Is he not real?

He's just sent me a positive corona test. Everyone's got the rona. But I was like, it's been fucking convenient now that you've just gone at a 25 to six. He swears he's telling the truth, but I was like, it would actually be a great way

to get out of dates, even by the time so I was going to date him tonight which is Wednesday and this airs on Friday doesn't it? Yeah good time for him to date you

he's better off waiting until we're on a pod break he's it'll all have been over by that stage anyway so it doesn't really matter but he's

I'm on I'm literally waiting to see he's gone he's done his second test and he's waiting I'm literally by the phone waiting to see if I'm going on to see. He's gone. He's done a second test. And I'm literally by the phone waiting to see if I'm going on a date. I don't know. I sent Spenny that picture from last night. I sent Spenny a picture of him because I thought he looked a bit like Spencer.

And Spencer came up like really fussed thinking I'd sent him that picture by accident. He was like, why are you sending me a picture of that guy? Because he's a good looking guy. He was like, I don't get it. And I had to show I was like no look Joanne sent it to me I was like I'm not sending oh my god I do have somebody else I fancy and you'll know I'm Joanne go on and it's uh only because I heard a song on the radio and I thought who is and I shazammed him and after I decided I fancied him by listening to a song I shazammed him. And after I decided I fancied him by listening to a song, I shazammed him.

Niall Horan. Niall's like you. He drinks milk and stuff. He's very innocent from what I'm told. Like he literally gets, he comes off stage and gets breastfed and put in a cot. Like he is innocent as the day is long. This is it.

I just got abused by a woman, right? She goes, think about the poor cows. It's not meant for you and i wrote back i'm not a vegan i also eat the cows she she wrote back to me that's a very selfish and unsympathetic reply i thought you might be better than that go visit a slaughterhouse and rejoice in consuming dead animals after that well you know we disagree on the dead animals thing. I don't eat them. Well, how's it being back in Ireland? Right, I'm back and I've just actually, after taking my niece,

I thought it would be a lovely idea to take her shopping for her Christmas present. Now, she's only five and we went and well, she had me. Every shop we went into.

No, but this would look nice with this and this would look nice. Honestly, I must have spent about 200 euro on her. I'd never spend that on her. We had a great day though. I'm forced to spend that on my nephews because I don't see them.

200 euro a gift? Well, well, I mean, like, yeah, because I miss all the birthdays. So by the time Christmas runs, comes around, I've missed like their bar mitzvahs and all. Like I,

I basically owe everyone a grand by the time Christmas comes around. A grand and an apology. I'm like, sorry, by the time Christmas comes around. A grand and an apology. I'm like, sorry, I'm such a shit aunt. A bulk buy gift. I bet you haven't gotten them anything yet. One time I have actually, I've ordered it to my mum's.

One time my brother rhymed me, he's like, listen, I'm just flagging it. Like you told your godson that you're going to send him a birthday present. That was like a month ago. He's been waiting by the, he's been waiting by the letterbox. Oh, actually that's not funny

you're my new child's godmother I'm the devil like I'm the devil godmother I'll pre-warn you though I didn't tell you this until the deal was signed sealed and delivered with that uterus

I'm going to pre-warn you I'll say listen it's coming up you've a month buy this I said to my brother will you not just tell me when the birthdays are coming up you you're going to tell me what i miss them anyway so just tell me before them so i don't feel like a piece of shit like my mom's been

reminding me about relatives birthdays all my life when she died when my mother dies the first thing i'm going to go for is the file of facts with the they'll be like what do you want in the like a fucking diary because i don't know when anyone's birthdays are. I don't even know who my relatives are. I don't know who I'm related to. I don't know anything. Spenny's mom sends me messages about people's birthdays that I like. I'm like, I don't even need to know about that person's birthday. And then you kind of feel like,

should I be sending them a like happy birthday? I've only met them twice. My news. I finally went and got the Morpheus yeah I'm not actually happy about that to be honest I think it was selfish

well you can't get you can't get the Morpheus until you're not pregnant which yeah I know I don't trust you anymore

you could literally have three days off not being pregnant in April and be fucking knocked up again so I have to go on my own journey you know what you're not

you're gonna really regret that because I am gonna out facial the shit out of you for doing that to me go on my own journey You know what You're not You're going to really regret that Because I am going to out facial The shit out of you For doing that to me Go on How was it You look great Bit red

So So Obviously have to Obviously have to Give the plug Give the plug To Susan Vaughan Who I absolutely adore

Susan Vaughan Aesthetics In May Is she the ass one as well She's the ass one yeah So I was She was the one who was Melasting my buttocks For about six months

Before I was just waiting Until she got the Morpheus molesting my buttocks for about six months before, I was just waiting until she got the Morpheus machine so we could up our game. Does she know I'm coming into her now in April?

Yeah, I told her you were, yeah. Brilliant. Because she was like, Vogue can't get it until she's not pregnant. And I was like,

Jesus Christ. If anything, it would just make the baby look, it would tighten the baby's skin, but whatever, you know,

you want to play it safe. Basically, the Morpheus. So, I'm not going to lie, I was like, why is safe basically the Morpheus so I'm not gonna lie I was like why is it called the Morpheus because obviously you know you're a man in the matrix I was like am I gonna come out looking like a black man in the 60s she's like no she's like oh it's something about dreaming or something I was like oh my gosh now it's definitely the spiciest treatment I've ever gotten like it's quite painful

profiterole is a five what is the Morpheus I painful. Profiterole is a five. What is the Morpheus? I would say profiterole is a three. I would say the Morpheus is a seven. It's spicy. And I said to Susan, because you know the way I've got an overactive nervous system.

And I was like, so I was jumping all over the place. And I said to Susan, could I have taken a couple of salpidine? And she was like, yeah, totally. And I was like, why didn't you tell me? And she was like, because I assume you couple of salpidine and she was like yeah totally and I was like why didn't you tell me and she was like

because I assume you are on salpidine all the time and I was like no I'm not actually a codeine addict I just take it when I need to

like if I'm hungover it's not like I just wake up and take I don't like just like gurgle salpidine every morning like overnight oats anyway I was like so how does it work so there's these like really long needles and they inject and they

inject radio frequency into your face apparently radio frequency is key for tightening skin which explains Amanda Holden she's obviously fucking plugging her face into that radio fucking desk every day she's tired as fuck anyway I've got so much radio frequency me now if I turn to the left I can hear Chris Moyles doing like a breakfast radio show getting traffic reports and everything it's the 9 o'clock news

it's the 9 o'clock news I can twist my nipples like radio does I'm telling you if we commit a crime we should be begging for the electric chair because we'll have an amazing wake I could twist my nipples like radio dials. I'm telling you, if we commit a crime, we should be begging for the electric chair because we'll have an amazing wake. We'll look fucking unbelievable.

We need to get in. Get your head electrocuted like the old days. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not telling you about any more treatments and I have a few up my sleeve and I'm not going to tell you about them. That's,

that's from me. We're on our own journeys now. You've, you've, You've gone down the road less taken, the path less troubled, whatever that Seamus Heaney poem is. Bet you didn't know anything about Seamus Heaney.

Literary lessons with Voguey. I'm telling you. I don't know, I feel kind of magnetic. I feel like balloons could stick to my face. If I walk back to Charles' party or something, I feel like I just like, whoop.

Okay, well done, Joanne. You look great. I have to go in for another one in a couple of weeks. Oh, okay. How many more are you going to get? I'll be buying black market morphine

for the next one. I can rest assured. Is it really that bad? Am I going to be able to handle it? It's pretty sore. I'm not going to dress it up. Yeah, she did the neck as well, yeah. Yeah, you'd need the neck.

I wouldn't mind an old hand. You can do it anywhere. I've got to do something about these hands after that job got me a hand model because my fucking hands are so gross. I should say as well, Susan Vaughan has a deal on. I said I'd give that a plug.

What's the deal? Susan's doing it for about 200 pounds cheaper than what you, until the end of december oh my god okay well i don't care i'm going into her in april i'm gonna be gorgeous um i what else was i doing this week oh by the way by the way joanne because you're moving to hoth you don't need to get your ass sorted out right i've been walking the cliffs in hoth i've been walking up and down the hills my My ass is now on my shoulders.

That's how high it is. And personally, I've never seen anything like it. I'm not running anymore because we knew I was having trouble with that. And now I'm walking and my ass couldn't look better. Honestly. Yeah, I guess that's what I guess. Yeah. OK, I look forward to also wearing my ass as a helmet by the time I get back to London.

That's exciting. Yeah, it'll be pretty pretty bloody good um Spenny Spenny said something to me on Sunday right on Saturday we had people up and I did like all the looking after the kids making their sambos all those bits I do you know what it's like I do most of the stuff in the house Sunday I said to him because we're going down to Scarys to see my auntie I said will you get some bread and make the kids sandwiches for the car? And then he told me he'd been running around after me all day because he went and got bread and sandwiches for the kids. That's the problem with men.

They're absolutely disgraceful. And then Gigi is now a car vomiter. She vomits on the way to the airport, all over herself, everywhere, in her hat. The smell of vomit. Even when we have the bib on,'s just and then she did it on the way to scary she's puked all over all of us and i don't feel well and then i feel like i'm gonna puke and then amber's whinging in the front seat where she's basically got no puke smell on

her it's well i took all the time she's so beautiful she's probably going to be a model so she needs to get used to that lifestyle now we might as well just let her get used to it because it's going to be what she's doing on the regular my new book look is it a kids book no it's my autobiography it's a kids book

I've released a kids book it'll still have more words than your fucking adult book added do you want do you know what fuck you It's a kids book. I've released a kids book. It'll still have more words than your fucking adult book added. Do you want, do you know what?

Fuck you. I made a decision this week. I can sometimes go a bit mad at Christmas. Like, a bit bananas. It's basically where people who behave like me

are suddenly socially acceptable and suddenly everyone's in the pub and it's all great and everyone's having a good time and I was thinking back to year, basically I wanted to kind of have a bit of a like chill Christmas this year. I'm working up until New Year's Eve.

Work will keep me on the straight and narrow but I remember one Christmas me and my friend Nora who turned out when I found my adoptive mother turned out to be my cousin but anyway that's for another day oh my god oh yeah I know

it's bananas but anyway I went down to her flat in Delirium and it was like I think it was Stephen's day snowing and everything it was all very festive

and we drank I don't know how many bottles of Baileys and how many bottles of red it was we were spraying cream into the Baileys we were doing

drinking that then we got she got a tin of roses, she'd an open fire and we would stack three or four of the roses on top of each other we each had a wooden spoon and then we would melt it over the fire until it melted into like a, and then we would spray that

with cream and eat that, like I ingested so much sugar, I'm not even lying I have never, I think I developed cognitive issues like we passed out and I woke up in this like sea of tinfoil um sweet wrappers it was like what did we call at the time Joanne and her amazing technical or blackout that was what we called it it was just like sugar everywhere I couldn't read for a year I just sat in the dark and listened to ringtones like I genuinely gave

myself damage like brain damage I'm not saying I'm not gonna eat sugar I a year. I just sat in the dark and listened to Ringtowns. Like I genuinely gave myself damage, like brain damage. I'm not saying I'm not going to eat sugar. I'm just saying I just want a chilled Christmas. I don't want to lose my mind. It's unnecessary. I don't want to lose my mind. And it's not about weight.

I'm not saying it's about, I'm not making this a body negative thing. It's not about weight. I'm just saying I don't want to wake up in January feeling like a piece of shit and shrouded in a pashmina of shame and guilt.

So I'm just going to behave like a normal person. Keep the detox going. Keep the vodka. Keep the quavers. Sail through the festive season. Did you hear her? A detox going.

Keep the vodka. Keep the quavers. Like always trying to be healthy. Not eating animals. Just the chickens and the fish. No red wine. No mulled wine, no gout.

Bollocks. No head like a balloon. Joanne, I'm not trying to burst your bubble, but your head is going to definitely be like... Do you remember Drop Dead Fred when he got his head stuck in the fridge and then he pulls it out and he has this head like that? That's going to be your head in general. Well, actually, I think someone mailed me

what I believe to be the most significant life hack I've ever been told in my life do you know the way people start like people would start the podcast

so they're kind of their only it's so funny when they realise how inconsistent they are like oh I've got a spoof for the week it's like oh we did that

for seven minutes back about a year ago yeah I missed that though I missed that I was like spoof for the week oh shit yeah we did that for like two weeks

then totally forgot about it because Joe shit at his job and doesn't take notes. Isn't that right, Joe? Agree. Anyway, she was like, oh, Joanne, I hear you're talking about

having a bloated head from wine. She was like, that's because there's histamines in wine. If you take an antihistamine before you go to bed, you won't get bloated. So basically, I'm going to try it out,

take an antihistamine and I'm going to wake up with like a chiseled jawline. Life hack. It seems like you're just going to, I think that you're going to have to limit yourself. I've been thinking about this.

In January, you're going to have a very busy January. You just can't, you can't have drinks every night at your show. It's not allowed. That's what I'm saying.

No, you said sugar. General hedonism. I'm just going to pull it back. I'm going to do a lot of stretching. I'm thinking taking up aerial aerobics or like, this is the problem. Honestly, just going to pull it back. I'm going to do a lot of stretching. I'm thinking taking up aerial aerobics or like, this is the problem with me.

Honestly, I've never heard such bullshit. John Belton's teaching me how to do a handstand. I was doing roly polies the other day. A roly poly, as in a tumble? Yeah,

because it's all about like fear. You know, I was doing them on the bed with John. Not that he wasn't in the bed, he was on the zoom. So John, I'm just tricking you. you know I was doing them on the bed with John not he wasn't in the bed he was on the zoom so John is tripping you naked rolling ponies with John Ball are you sure this is fitness John

he's like absolutely absolutely Joanne just tuck your head into your anus there and roll over okay well I don't believe any of that for a second I'm sorry

and I don't think any of the listeners believe it either but good luck on your journey thank you I bid you well I don't know

if it's gonna happen I just I've had those Christmases where you literally wake up and you're melting pate on like toast it's just unnecessary

that's Christmas you have to do that we need to melt pate can't I look excuse me pate sorry you only eat chickens It's unnecessary. That's Christmas. You have to do that. We need to melt pâté. God, I love... Excuse me! Pâté! Sorry, you only eat chickens. Pâté.

I don't eat pâté anymore. I'm talking about back in the glory days. In the early 90s. Joanne, don't make me rat you out on animals, right? I would never eat pâté now. I would never. Although, this is my other thing. I was thinking about this.

The way we stuff ourselves during Christmas, we're like human foie gras. You know foie gras is now illegal. Is it? Yeah, because it's so cruel. No, not in France, but in the UK it's illegal. But they have this thing called faux gras now, which apparently is like a fake. It's like a vegan foie gras.

But we're like human foie gras. We just like stuff ourselves, stuff ourselves, stuff ourselves. And then our blood becomes cheese. And then we hate ourselves. Oh my God, Joanne, I was meant to get a dragon boat tonight and now you've turned me off. A dragon boat? What's that? The Chinese down the road. 839-1473.

I even know the number. Dragon boat! No beef and black bean sauce for me. You're an absolute witch. I'm going to stuff myself over Christmas. I've actually done all my Christmas shopping. I bought all the booze. I brought Amber along for that ride because uh spenny and i were like right two bottles of white ryan two bottles red so we uh we quadrupled what we were buying and um

i'm ready for christmas next week christmas haven't bought a tin of roses or anything like that that starts next week we start stuffing the duck next week yeah but you see you're you're a regular person like you're talking to someone I I have compulsion issues

you don't you'll be like you'll have three roses and then lose interest and have a glass of milk and go to bed like I'll be like trying to

shoot the roses up do you know what I mean I'll be like literally trying to mainline the roses like I'll be like snorting from pudding like it's just you know it I mean I'll be like literally trying to mainline the roses like I'll be like snorting from pudding like it's just you know it's wrong

Christmas isn't meant for people like me neither is Easter do you know what I'm not that mad for Easter but Christmas I'm all about like you don't want to see

the amount of Christmas decorations I'm after buying for Ireland it's out of control out of control Dunn's Dunn's has a great selection great selection

of Christmas decks my friend Nancy uh was actually we were talking about presents for each other we do a secret Santa but only one of the girls actually ever does it we just we just turn up with nothing and take the presents it's really bad anyway we were like this year let's just get involved and actually do a secret Santa to Nikki because we owe her so many presents and Nancy suggested she's like a really nice idea is to get a really nice Christmas decoration because then every year you get reminded of the person who gave it to you and suggested, she's like, a really nice idea is to get a really nice Christmas decoration because then every year you get reminded of the person

who gave it to you. And I was like, that's actually a really nice idea. Or are we just middle-aged now? Are we just middle-aged? No, I'd love that as a gift. Would you? I'd love a Christmas decoration.

I'll get you that for Christmas. Oh my God. By the way, everybody cancels on John Belton during Christmas. It's brilliant. I'm having the best time. He's training me like

four times a week. It's so. I'm having the best time. He's training me like four times a week. It's so good. I love people's flakiness because I am actually doing well from it. This is what, we're trying to make you more relatable. Shit like this does not help. What else do I have?

What else do I have in my life? I'm pregnant. Like I'm lean. I can't even tie my shoes properly anymore. I have to put my foot up on the table to tie a shoe. It's bullshit. What else do you have in your life. I'm pregnant. I can't even tie my shoes properly anymore. I have to put my foot up on the table to tie a shoe. It's bullshit. What else do you have in your life? You've two children, a fetus

and a husband. If you're going to mention the kids, right, you try and be at home with them 24-7 when all they want to... No one else is allowed to do one single thing for them. Theodore, nobody can even sit him on the toilet. I have to do it. I have to wipe his bum. I have to do thing for them. Theodore, like, nobody can even sit him on the toilet. I have to do it. I have to wipe his bum.

I have to do everything for him. Spenny took him out of the car the other day and he went absolutely nuts because I didn't take him out of the car. It's like, honestly, I snuck away for a break the other night. I hid in the front room and I could hear them crying.

They were with Spencer and I was like, I'm not going in. I am not going in. I am not going in. I'm not. I'm having a break. Yeah. I'm going to get my mom up. My mom arrives on Friday.

I'm going to get her up and I'm just going to leave one day. I'm just going to get her in. I'm not even going to tell her she's babysitting. I'm going to be like, oh, I'm just going to the toilet and then leave.

What's she going to do? People do tell the stories like, oh, my dad went for a box of cigarettes in 1986 and never came back. Fucking fair play to him that's me you do you

I did have a I had a moment this morning where they were literally both screeching at me for no reason and I was sitting there and I was like oh my god there's another one

on the way and it's too late get out get out Get out Get out I just had to pick up my laptop He shaved his beard and he's delighted with himself Go on get your stuff

I want to be I want to be fast and slick in the water Thank you Spano go We don't have time for this I've got a date later Joanne's got a date

with that fella Oh he's just messaged He got a date later Joanne's got a date With that fella Oh he's just messaged He's positive He's got it He's got it He's got it He's got it Well that's his Christmas round

I'm wearing a pink bra What knickers Do you have on though Oh now this is Getting interesting I like Okay go on Scat

Go away See you later Joanne You had your nice knickers on. Well, there you go. No, Vogue. I said I had a nice bra on. I was ready for topping, not for bottoming. Topping.

I wouldn't even bother. I can top now, actually, because my boobs have gotten so big. But, like, I wouldn't even bother top. Seriously, I wouldn't bother with it. I'd try the nipple. Joanne, I wouldn't bother. You can't throw him a peck. He won't come back. I'd try the nail nipple. I wouldn't bother. You can't throw him a peck. He won't come back.

I would. Him. So, did you mean to change your WhatsApp photo to that review? Who? You. What? Yeah, it seemed very unlike you, but then I was like, maybe she's just really... What?

What did you mean? very unlike you but then I was like maybe she's just really what what did you mean your whatsapp photo profile photo is a picture of a review of that's so embarrassing when did that happen the other day I just I'm going red Oh my god Oh I'm going to be sick Oh my god I did think it was very unlike you That's like been up for days No I only actually noticed it yesterday morning

And I was like god damn Oh my honestly I actually thought it was quite sweet I was like that's really sweet folks really you know Committed to the podcast and she wants people to WhatsApp her to know that we got a good review in the end. That is so, oh God.

Sometimes, honestly, I make myself sick. How did that happen? Oh my God, that is so embarrassing. Once I posted like a scan picture of the baby because I went to send that to you. Did you not get that? No, I only saw it when I went to WhatsApp you. the baby, because I went to send that to you. Did you not get that? No, I only saw it when I went to WhatsApp you. Oh, right.

Well, I went to send it to you and instead I posted it as my profile picture. So that's fantastic. I mean, to be fair, should we send each other? That could have been a lot worse. I'm deleting all of our... Oh my God. even from last night I feel scared That could have been a lot worse

Joanne and I literally had a field day last night We had a field day Let's talk about the camels, the camels that were ejected from a beauty contest because they'd all been getting too much Botox and other tampering. I'm not trying to be bad right because I actually have been told

I look like a camel before but they're not a great looking animal to begin with. They have funny looking faces like so where is all the filler and Botox going in the camel? But these are top these are top tier camels. These are like the Rose of Tralee camels. These are like the

Miss Universe camels. I saw them. They were lookers. They were lookers. I could tell why they were disqualified. They were cheating. I'm... Listen to this though. There was 147 cases of tampering. Someone put Botox in 147 camels.

Like, that's amazing. I can't. It's not amazing. But it's like. Firstly, just to flag, it's obviously animal cruelty. We don't support that. But also, it's also quite terrifying that even camels have to get work done to get the ride. That is insane.

It actually reminded me of a time when I was in Thailand and I held this, what was clearly a drugged dragon lizard. Oh no. I know. And like at the time, I would never do it now, but at the time I didn't realize. The thing was fucking clearly raw hypnol down of its brain or it would be obviously like a scarf full of chlorophyll down. It's not chlorophyll. What did I do, Jo? Chloroform.

I posted it or whatever and you know i would never do that now and it's like when i see men especially online on date naps and stuff and you see lads with that it's like it's the equivalent i'm like i know it's not the same but to me it's the same it's like me posing with a hipnot woman on the coastline road in thailand being like like it's basically the same thing it's mad it's mad they're the ethics around it um i just hope somewhere in the world there's a parallel universe where animals are doing it to us and there's some tiger posing with a drugged up guy chained to a wall and putting it on his gender profile

i really i i kind of i kind of i date that i know somebody who went to sea world recently i was like he went to fucking sea world like have you not seen that documentary about SeaWorld you can't go to SeaWorld and then people who are posting with their like they're they're hanging out with the dolphins in Dubai and it's like don't post that you're gonna get absolutely well don't do it first of all and then don't post it but this camel camel business, now I have to say, they're actually not bad looking camels. They look very fluffy, but they've been dyeing their hair as well. All I'll say is,

and I'm not endorsing putting feathers into your animal. No, not at all. I think it's an absolute disgrace. However, if we're going down that road, I do know a cat with a vicious overbite who could definitely do it for her. One of my friends, Dave, his his cat its jaw was dislocated it's dead now thank god but like for the last two years you have to watch it drag in its jaw in the lino kitchen why didn't they put it back do you know the cat do you want the animal soak

now you're dead like there's people who will spend millions keeping their animals alive and they'll bring them to those doctors and get them robotic arms and legs and put them in those little wheelchairs and stuff. And then there's other people, they're like, the cat's sick, it's going to cost 20 quid. And they're like, fuck it, put it down. That's where the world splits into two. Some people will do everything to keep their animal alive.

Other people, the second it kicks off in any capacity, they're like, oh, the food's run out. Fuck it, put it down. No, I'd have to down. No, I would... I'd have to keep Winnie. Of course! I'd pay for special legs and stuff for Winnie. Even though, I'll tell you one thing, Winnie's ungrateful, right?

He's so ungrateful. I bought him a bed here in Ireland because he didn't have a bed. And I bring the bed up to the room every night. I'm the only one who feeds him. I'm the only one who gives him treats. I bring him for a walk every day. Do you think he wants anything to do with me? It's bullshit. We and Spenny are on a walk. Spenny doesn't even

like him. And Spenny goes a different way and he follows Spenny. Bullshit. He can smell the money. He's like, I can go for a walk around the Cliffs of Houton. I can get a private jet to Jersey. Fuck it. I'm going private jet. I'm old. private jet to Jersey. Fuck it. I'm going private jet. I'm old. I've got arthritis.

I'll get fed fed crab salad on a private jet please. Mmm. Woof woof. Winston's out. Right. He's gone out.

I'm done with him. Here I saw this other thing in one of my favourite newspapers the Daily Mail. Is this about the woman eating her ashes please say it is so we can talk about it

yes it's so good hang on I've actually got someone sent it to me one of our lovely listeners hang on I'm going to show you

because I've actually got it starred here she is see how quickly I find starred things do you want I knew that was a dig at me yeah yeah

right this girl her name is she is see how quickly i find starred things do i knew i knew that was a dig at me yeah yeah yeah right this girl her name is megan paisley she sent it to me right people might think i'm mad or that it's just not a respectful thing to do but i just can't stop myself this is about the woman eating her own mother's ashes i see it as a positive thing allowing her to be close to me and also involving her in the family day that is when she's planning on eating them for christmas dinner i feel like she can live on by being inside of me because she is part of me so she can breathe through my body her breath is her breath none of that is cute or nice or like it's just grieving daughter plans to sprinkle her mother's ashes on her turkey dinner what the hell

there's something like that's cannibalism sorry joanne have you seen the picture of her eating them oh so i was gonna say i assumed when she was like i'm gonna eat my mother's ashes i assumed she'd mix it into a bread sauce you know included as a topping it's basically like an ash dip dab it's like a death dab she's basically just eating raw ash it's a death tap i just think ultimately you know you're flushing your mother down the toilet ultimately like we all know how the system of the body works you're eating her she's going into the sewer she's like she's not a goldfish i wouldn't even i didn't even flush my goldfish down the toilet i had too much respect for them i buried them in the garden i had a full-blown wake for

my goldfish and this woman is just eating her mother. She's shitting all over her mom. It got me thinking about other things that you can do with ashes. So I did a bit of a Google. I was thinking for my mother, if I had her cremated, which she won't allow

because she wants to go into the ground with my father. And then I'll join the two of them because I've known in my life to get buried with. It'd be like a triple deck McNally sandwich. There's not going to be a lot of space for people. I think I'm going to have to get buried on top of my dad and my granny. Like I'm not that happy about that. You're going to need it.

Your family's going to, if you keep banging at these kids like a pesky and you're going to need a tomb. I know. I know. Anyway, I was thinking I'd have my mom turned into a sand timer. She's a good idea. Love time. I looked at this website it was like best things to do with your ashes and one of them

was called heavens above fireworks where you can have your ashes turn into a firework and then they said to me I was like oh my god that's what I'm gonna do I'm gonna have my have whoever's looking after my dad send out a letter going, come watch Joanne get lit for one last time. And then I'm literally going to set on fire and like spread into space. That's a good one. There was another one.

Well, let's be honest, you're not going into space. Vinyl-y ever after, where you can get made into like a vinyl record and then you can have your last message put on your vinyl record and then you're played. I think I'd like to be dusted over the cliffs in Hoth.

No shit. Okay, well, that is it for this week. And remember, if you'd like to send us an email, you're more than welcome to. Just send it to

hello at mtgmpod.com also if you like us please like and subscribe to the podcast because apparently it helps doesn't it joe it does yeah see you next week Bye.