My Therapist Ghosted Me - I Don't Take Timezones That Seriously...

Episode Date: February 3, 2023

There's never a dull week in MTGM land... Vogue is still skiing in France, but as you'll hear in this episode, she's come to a creepy realisation about where she's staying. Meanwhile, Joanne flew from Dubai to New York and managed to miss just about the whole flight. Plus, a vicious heckle, a whale and a big fat lie. If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] is going on tour in Ireland & The UK! Remember to check the venue websites as well as Ticketmaster! For more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThank you!

This is a Global Player Original Podcast. Do you take a fish oil, Joanne? Are we recording? Do you take a fish oil? Of course we're here. That's why she's plugging her vitamins. God forbid we'd have this conversation off mic. I didn't plug any vitamins there. You don't know what brand that is. It's a brand I've invested in. I don't make any money from doing that.

I don't have to do that. Sorry, Vogue. I'm in America now, so it's vitamins, if you don't mind. Ooh, get some of that vitamin water. You know that water that's full of I'm in America now so it's vitamins if you don't mind. Oh get some of that vitamin water. You know that water that's full of shite but they pretend

it's full of vitamins. I take vitamins and herbs now because I live in New York. Herbs. Do you eat basil? I eat basil. Basil.

What are those round what's the round toast? Bagels. A bagel. Oh you can't get me out of those bagels now I have a huge one I put my head through it

every morning bagel day I can't believe out of all the places in New York you went to Dunkin' Donuts for a coffee why are you so mean

to yourself why well no okay well we know I'm mean to myself but that was actually just logistics

because I woke up at 4am because I've travelled through 28 time zones in the last three days so I had to get a coffee and New York the city that never sleeps

that's a load of bollocks the whole place was asleep so I had to go to Dunkin Donuts where your man mistakenly there was a language barrier

made me an iced coffee and I was like dude do you think it's fucking snowing outside like do you think I'm going to have some iced coffee and Dunkin Donuts and to say he was fuming to throw it out I was like, dude, do you think it's fucking snowing outside? Like, do you think I'm going to have some iced coffee and talk about it?

And to say he was fuming to throw it out, I was like, come on, it's worth a dollar. Anyway. Yeah, God,

and it's your fault as well. Thank you very much. I was like, I'm walking here. I'm living my New York life. I've got a real attitude problem now. I have to show you, I have to show you an outfit.

You're going to love it. You're going to wish you had it in New York, actually. Wait, did you see this? Sorry? A full wool adult onesie sorry

a morph suit for a grown woman hit me up love it a woolen one it's woolen you look amazing you look like

Farrah Fawcett no do you know when she was alive yeah is she dead Jo what Jo's not dead it's why we pay you

someone pays you we don't pay him but you seem to get paid she's not dead yeah she's we pay you Someone pays you We don't pay him But you seem to get paid She's not dead Yeah she's dead She's dead Dead folk What the fuck

When did that happen 2009 What Three minutes ago Three minutes ago News just in Sorry she died in 2009 That's a long time ago

You'd be surprised The amount of people dead I never thought she was dead Actually There's a lot of people That are dead You're dead right Sean You're dead right A lot of people A lot of people that are dead. You're dead right, Sean. You're dead right.

A lot of people are dead. Everyone's dying these days. Everyone's dead. Everyone loves a bit of death. Don't, don't, don't. You'll start me on a really bad, I'll end up going to bed extremely anxious. Don't, don't get me on that slope.

Where will we start? Will we start with the skiing? Well, will I tell you what happened to me? Like, while I'm in it. Speaking of the onesie, I went. Which is incredible, by the way. start with the skiing well will i tell you what happened to me like while i'm in it speaking of the onesie i which is which is which is incredible by the way is are you are you bringing out a line of ski gear is this no i'm not bringing it it's just because you heard i'm bringing out a line of golf gears is it you are so competitive folk no i'm bringing out a cricket line thank you very

much white is no longer the color they shall be wearing now I wore this I went to, actually I've been to hell today, I went to hell I went to hell and I came back so we thought we would be was it apres-ski, was the fondue machine not turned on no it was not apres-ski it was not apres-ski the cheese isn't melty enough

I didn't ask for brie it is not apres-ski it's somewhere that I will be shocked if I didn't ask for Brie it is not apres-ski it's somewhere that I will be shocked if I don't at least

come home with a verruca from I decided I would take the kids to the aqua dome yeah

went to the aqua dome what's the aqua dome it's a little place where there's some slides and stuff like that and my kids honestly filled

that pool with so much snot you wouldn't believe I know you don't like talking about things like that but I my kids honestly feels that pool with so much snot. You wouldn't believe. I know you don't like talking about things like that. I believe it. I've seen this. It was actually revolting. I actually didn't even want to swim in the pool myself.

Breaststroke and three round child's mucus. I'd rather swallow silence. It was actually, it was like treading through jelly. Oh, poke! Anyway, we get into the changing room and people must have like, like it was it probably sounded like somebody was being like smacked around the changing room three of them screaming crying at one point t is trying to crawl into the door naked out into the just they just like they're so mean like they know that spenny and i are having a really hard time trying to dress all three of them and then Gigi

Gigi starts I think your kids are that intelligent it's what's the funniest thing about this whole thing they absolutely are they hold it I'm telling you and then they're nice as pie when we got home to the safety of our house in that place Gigi's crawling around in a puddle

soaking herself then we have to go outside in the cold then she's whinging because she's cold and now, Gigi's crawling around in a puddle, soaking herself. Then we have to go outside in the cold. Then she's whinging because she's cold. And now, so Gigi gets car sick. Fair enough. But as soon as she even puts a toe in the car, I'm sick. And I'm like, you are not sick. In the water? No, in the car.

So she gets car sick after. She hasn't even put a toe in the car. I'm sick. And I'm like, you're not sick. Gigi, I know you're not sick she's a diva a diva and then I was like

would you like a piece of croissant do you think a sick person would say yes to a croissant no they wouldn't she's usually two hands wants the whole croissant and a bit of croissant

I'd say she's like a croissant is she like a proper little spoiled little croissant no I do bribed that child a lot with food like

that's how I got her to ski. Did you see the ski video? Sweets. Those jelly dinosaurs. That's what she got. Jo, did you see the ski video of Gigi going down those slopes? I did, yeah. Cutting through powder like an Olympian.

I want that child tested for performance enhancing drugs. There's no fucking way a two-year-old can ski like that. I'm sorry, Vogue. That's just not real life. She can't even walk walk I've seen her banging into shit all the time in London I want her urine

tested on the pot and I want to see it in front of me I don't want her using anyone else's urine I want her urine tested don't be jealous

because my child is an athlete okay it just seems a little suspicious that they're all athletes I want them all tested actually Otto will be full of drugs I gave him to him that they're all athletes I want them all tested actually Otto will be full of drugs

I gave him to him but the rest of them I want them tested The christening present arrived yes a bag of drugs That was his christening present That was his christening present Where did you go to get them again?

In Africa Oh sorry while we're on I did it legally on a book board Okay Alan bought a rhino

I bought a bag of prescription narcotics Alan already has like three rhino horns why does he need another one God only knows

he's a poacher that's what he does what can I say he's got a hobby gets him out of the house I'm thrilled jokes no but anyway

so obviously I don't really I'm not anyway so obviously I don't really I'm not going to say I don't believe in time zones because of course I do but I don't take them that seriously do you get me

that's the best way to be wherever I am I'm like that's where I am I'm not going oh god it's 9pm in New York it's 12pm in Greenwich I don't give a fuck I'm where I am

she'll ring you at 3 in the morning because as she said she doesn't give a fuck I don't give a fuck well you're the idiot, I just leave. She'll ring you at three in the morning because as she said, she doesn't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. Well, you're the idiot who doesn't turn your phone on airplane mode like a psychopath.

So I can ring her at any time of the day or night like it's an emergency. I'd be too worried something would happen. I'd be too worried. I'm not able to turn, I barely can turn it on silent.

So anyway, my flight from, I had to fly Dubai directly to New York. I was supposed to go via Ireland and then I couldn't. It was a visa thing. I think I'm on the run. I don't know. Anyway, I had to fly dubai directly to new york i was supposed to go via ireland and then i couldn't it was a visa thing i think i'm on the run i don't know anyway i had to come straight i took off from dubai at whatever eight in the morning and landed jfk at 1 p.m i was like

oh crap eight in the morning okay easy oh no no you didn't. Easy. Didn't even download anything. I was like, crap. I just chill, have a couple of Negronis, look around. I'm reading a really good book at the moment, Adam Kay's second book, really good.

What's his first book like? Got there. Will I get it? Really good. This is going to hurt. I actually used it for a book club, this podcast that I did before

and the other people, it was actually kind of embarrassing because they were like your favourite book and I just finished reading it and I really liked it but other people were bringing in like Ulysses and all it was a bit embarrassing but I actually really Who actually reads it? Come on Yeah I'm not going to pretend War and Peace is my favourite book

I'm just not going to, okay What's it called? Adam Kay what? This is Going to Hurt is the first one and the second one is Undoctored. So the one that reason get them out. It's just really funny. He was a doctor.

The first one is a publication of his diaries. We met him, Joe. He was sitting at our table at the Comedy Awards. What? Yeah, we met him. He was sitting beside me.

Really nice guy. I love him. Yeah, he's a really nice guy. If you'd bother your hole to come, you would have stopped beside him too, but you didn't. Sorry, because I was off doing actual comedy on a stage excuse me I was being very funny at that dinner

very funny I heard Adam Kay did contact me and said anyway so transpires there's a time zone between Dubai and New York turns out the early flight was 40 who knew

the flight was 14 solid hours right that's my dream that's my dream and I was like

oh god oh god oh god but like I'm boarding at this stage there's nothing I can do I'm desperately trying to download an episode

how do you not know this though I don't understand I don't I just you know what it's that I just couldn't be arsed knowing. I don't want to know the trauma. I just

don't want to know. I don't care enough to know. I hate logistics. So I was like, oh fuck, it's a 14 hour flight. What am I going to do? I was trying to download shit before I went on. They have a TV on the plane. Yeah, but it's

do you know what do you know what's so funny I'm so used to watching things so close to me now that actually even a screen because I'm a product

of my generation even a screen that far away it was a bit of a panic mode I don't want to watch 14 hours of anything

I want to fall asleep I'll tell you what what you've just described is my is my perfect holiday. 14 hours alone on a flight with nothing to do.

Yeah. Stunning. Because you made bad choices and had three children, but I didn't. So 14 hours to me, like I have enough time to kill in my personal life.

This is too much. Anyway, didn't I remember one of my African downers was in my bag. So do you remember the episode of Schitt's Creek? Do you watch Schitt's Creek? No.

Where Maura, Jo, do you watch Schitt's Creek? I love that Maura woman though. Anyway, she took a Bosnian up her and was up for three days. It was really funny. And she fell asleep eventually with her eyes open. It was really, really funny. Anyway, I took a Tanzanian downer. It was a sleeping tablet I bought in Tanzania,

legally, above board, over the counter. I got on the plane, took it, had two Negronis and I was like, oh my God, I'm never going to...

Woke up to a woman shaking me going, we're beginning our descent into JFK. Gone. 14 hours. Done. I can't believe I...

Like, if it was a train, I'd still be on it. Only because it's a plane they wake you up and kick you off. I would still be on that train going back and forth to Dubai for the rest of my life. How did she not even need to wee in 14 hours? Nothing! Now in fairness I did wake up at one stage very groggy, went to the bar, got another Negroni but I had to really like kind of

I had to manoeuvre myself up. Didn't get herself any food just a Negroni, no toilet break quick Negroni back to bed. Negroni. No toilet break. Quick Negroni back to bed. Negroni and pack of crisps. Straight back. I couldn't

believe it. Like I'd say my heart rate was, I'm calling it a near death experience. Like, and I'll tell you this, if you are a nervous flyer,

if you can send a family member to Tanzania and go into the chemist in the local town and buy one of these tablets, that plane could have been hijacked twice

and I wouldn't have given a fuck you'd still be asleep that's amazing slept through the whole thing it was incredible I hope you get a little bag of them

it was one of the best experiences of my life and I don't remember it that's stunning yeah and you arrived in New York at one o'clock one o'clock in the day

buzzed through emigration still buzzing oh my god great chat with your man was brought into a cell had my fingerprints taken the whole thing was absolutely thrilling

why were you brought into it yeah I've got a look about you it's a visa thing it's I don't know anyway oh because you have to have a working visa

yeah cut that joke no I'm kidding I do have a working visa I do I do have a working visa I do I do have a working visa I want some of that fresh herb I want to sit down

and chill out and have some herb Now I say things like oh look at that child's pacifier Did you put your stuff in the trash can? She's gone down

the garbage chute. Where are you now in New York? Is that a hotel room? No, I'm... Oh, do you know where I am? My good pal, my comrade, my work colleague, Des Bishop, owns two apartments in New York

right beside each other. So him and his wife, Hannah, bought the apartment that came up beside them so that if they have kids or whatever they're going to like break through but they haven't yet so I'm just staying in Des's apartment right next door to Des and his wife Hannah is an angel sent from heaven

however I'm like how the fuck do I get this woman to stay not pregnant because this apartment the second she gets knocked up this apartment's going to go so I'm trying to I'll drug her and put the coil in her while she's asleep or like sprinkle the pill into her part I don't know but like I don't want this resource to go. Do you know trying to, I'll drug her and put the coil in her while she's asleep or like sprinkle the pill into her part. I don't know,

but like, I don't want this resource to go. Do you know what, Joanne, you're doing her a favor. I'm doing her a favor. I'm like, look at Fowke.

She used to be gorgeous. Look at her now. Look at the side of her. Is that what you want, Hannah? Is that what you want for yourself? Look at her.

Look at her eyes. Stop, Joanne, I know I'm wrecked. Look at her eyes. She can't even see anything anymore than so far in the back of her head I did wonder

why he had a fancy glass that's a nice fancy glass how nice of him to just let you stay in his apartment does he not know you at all like does he not know

what you're going to do with that place poor Daz he's so good to people in comedy he's like the godfather of Irish comedy he's so good to me

he's really really sound but Hannah was in his Hannah was in his wife was in a reality show called Summer House I'm googling Hannah he married up

as they all do all comics marry up he married up she's an absolute knockout ride babe hilarious really funny yeah but he's funny

so coarse he could get anyone I know she got laughed into bed by Jazz Bishop anyway the important thing to know is me and Hannah are starting our own

friendship which is very thrilling because Hannah is friends with the Housewives of New York. Ramona? Which means I will still be, I will be, I am days away from walking the Brooklyn Bridge with Ramona with a bottle of Pinot in each hand. Do you want, you need to stop being so starstruck, okay? Busy, we're busy with real celebrities busy oh whatever you are a dirty little bitch well actually hannah is a really big fan of maiden chelsea oh god that's well that's doesn't say a lot for hannah come on and i'm like hannah i can give give you Spencer if you can get me Ramona. She can fucking have Spencer.

It's the 1st of February and I'm having a drink. And now that he knows I'm having a drink, I'm in for it. He's gone. I'm in for it. I have another thing to say about New York, but Vogue, tell me more of your news. Will I'm a waste? Oh. Go on, it was something to do with Hannah tell us it wasn't it was to do with the children skiing

you throwing your children down ski slopes well I took T8 I took him out on my own today because I was like because he finished this little class that he does with all these kids and he's been going up and down the mountain he's an absolute pro and I took him myself and I took him down a slope that was pretty advanced and we wouldn't be doing that again

now you see the smaller ones like the green runs ones, they're like for you, Joanne. They're the slower ones. And they slow down so much that then I have to drag them along with me. And to say I was exhausted. I was like, I'm not bringing him out with me again. But like we've done a lot of like, there's been a lot of family time. But now Amber comes tomorrow and we've organized. Our first apres ski is tomorrow. Okay, of of course but like this place is an absolute ripoff i went to

get coffee today two one double espresso one latte 18 euro mine tasted like shit as well where are you by the way france i just i don't even know where skiing happens. You're in France. Skiing happens in France, in Italy, Switzerland. It happens in Japan. It's actually amazing skiing in Japan. I'm mad for skiing there. It also happens in Dubai. No, it doesn't happen. You can go, I went to Dubai.

Dubai do have a ski slope. Because you're so uncultural and you won't have done anything in Dubai besides sit in your hotel. You know Dubai also, you can go out to the desert. I went snowboarding in the sand. I went sandboarding. I had heard that happens.

I know you're more active than me. You're sporty. You're a sporty spice. I went and pet a camel. The people in Dubai Vogue I cannot explain. They're so good looking. It's insane. Like Dubai has a zero tolerance on crime. They obviously also have a zero tolerance on munters. I didn't see a single

person there I didn't see a single person there under number three on the hotness scale even Alan who's an ex-model I was like

up your fucking game I was like put some mascara on you're making a show of us I just wore a hat and shades the whole time there's not been much going on over here

I have to be honest it's just mainly like skiing we ski all day now Amber's over here. I have to be honest. It's just mainly like skiing. We ski all day. Now Amber's over here though. I'm having my first après ski tomorrow and I can't wait. That's what I was going to say when I was seeing all the kids skiing

and I was like, God, she's very brave because I'd be nervous that they'd break something. And then I was like, no, babies, it's the purpose because they're not fully formed.

So their bones are like played out. So you can just they can't break you can't break a child just throw them down the thing they just bounce off the ground

like an armband if you plant a cake at the end of the slope she might go down she's so cute and she insists on everything

being pink I tried to put a purple jumper on the other day and she went absolutely insane. So she goes around thinking she's Barbie. She calls herself Barbie.

Did you see the video I found of her? Which video? So there's these DJs, I follow them. Oh yeah, I saw that. But they're famous for kind of these visuals that they put on the kind of screens behind them as they're playing.

Like the last one was The Rock in a Croc. So it's The Rock's head in a croc. So it playing like the last one was the rock in a crock so it's the rock's head in a crock so it's like the beat drops it's like and next thing the rock in a crock comes up

but the next one was a child who looks suspiciously like Gigi skiing let's just pretend it was Gigi who's doing the drilling now here

is this in Des' apartment or someone else's apartment it doesn't actually sound that bad I did warn Joe what's happening earlier no he told me and he sent me

a throw up eye smiley face so I don't know Joe was bitching about you it's not me getting drilled anyway Joe was completely

I just want to say for the record it's not me getting drilled if Alan's listening to this it's not me getting drilled it's a chef okay just if Alan's listening to this it's not me getting drilled it's a shelf

okay just so I'm in the clear there was I talking about ghosts on this podcast today or was that the one with Spencer I just recorded one before

you didn't talk to ghosts about us okay listen I'm telling you right now something weird is happening and I know I sound like a weirdo but right I because I'm so scared of happening and i know i sound like a weirdo but right i i

because i'm so scared of dying as you know i was like i'd love if my dad like would show me signs like i'm inviting him in now so i can see him shit is keeps happening to me in this house it just happened twice now when i went out before this pod came on when i went out there to get another drink so over this week like something keeps catching my eye upstairs and I'm like what is that nothing no one's upstairs nothing is upstairs and when I look nothing is there and then the other day I was putting away two two and like the mayonnaise and the and the pepper or something like that and I put them in the presses and I closed the press because I'd always close the press went made myself a coffee turned around and both the presses were open and then I was like like, okay, did I not close the presses?

But like, it's me. I knew I closed the presses. I went in there before this pod and there was a chair in the middle of the room. And I was like, no one's in the kitchen. Why is there a chair in the middle of the room? Anyway, put it back to where it was. I just went out to get myself a drink. And there's another chair that has moved into a different part of the room.

And no one has been upstairs. I am telling you, there's a ghost in this house. Are you saying that your father's playing, what was the name of that game that you, what was the name of the game with the chairs? Musical chairs. Musical chairs. You're saying your father's playing a game of musical chairs.

Look, I don't, you know, I don't really believe in that kind of stuff. What I will say though, is if it is true, your father is very strategic and that he's decided to haunt you on a skiing holiday in France rather than just your regular life in Battersea he's gone that's true yeah it's the holiday I'm getting involved

couldn't be yeah exactly I just don't believe I just don't believe it I can't believe it I'd love to I'm telling you that's like because I've actually started paying attention that is like the fifth thing that's happened here and I'm like like the chair in the middle of the room again like that's twice tonight there's a chair in the middle of'm like like the chair in the middle of the room again like that's twice tonight there's a chair in the middle of the room why is it in the middle of the room do you not think if your dad was

trying to communicate with you he would just like appear and be like maybe they can't appear but maybe it's not my dad maybe it's a different ghost I am telling you

there's a ghost here then I'd be very fucking worried no Joanne don't do that because I won't sleep tonight either do you know what else

I'm going to tell Spencer it was the ghost who drank all that champagne because he's going to look at that bottle and know no one else in this house is drinking I remember my mother

back in the day when we were kids a table around went missing she'd been on holidays and obviously brought back a table around I think they just

give them to you in customs I don't know everyone just brings home a table around someone ate it Connor Connor was kind of the

slightly bolder child. I mean, sorry Connor, but you were. Someone ate the Toblerone. And, mum, neither of us were admitting it,

obviously, denying it to the ground. And mum went, well look, I'm just really worried because I actually had put some rat poison in it because I was using it

to catch rats. So whoever, whoever ate it is going to die. And Connor went, oh my God, I did it! Like a Jew just ratted himself out straight away. Your mom, oh my God, that's actually some way, that's quite clever.

I used to have a lot of dreams about my dad. I never thought I saw him. I used to dream about him all the time. I just think, especially now that I've been in safari and I understand the circle of life a bit more than anyone else on this podcast, I just know that it's ashes. I've just seen more of the world than anyone here, and I'm just more worldly.

It's ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Throw yourself off a cliff or keep yourself in an urn, whatever. It's like, it's done. That's why I'm telling you that when i was dead on that plane that was the closest i've had to death i'd say my heart rate was like barely existing i was completely unconscious i might as well have been dead and i thought nothing nothing to fear no it's quite a nice feeling to be yeah anyway i would just like to say i've been on safari way way before you so i know all about all the animals and you were probably drunk for half of your safari

so you don't remember any of it okay I wish your dad would appear now we could do with the railings yeah come on come on no that would

imagine he just appeared behind me now like what would I do I'd be here on my own you guys couldn't do anything don't make faces like that I'd be like well hello daddy

well hello I wonder if he'd return as his younger self you'd quite fancy him I think as his younger self of course I would

if I come back old and battered I want to come back with my 28 year old skin or that I'm not coming back this is the thing

if there is a heaven and you do go up like what what state of you like what if I go back does my laser hair removal still stand oh yeah i would have to or do i go back and it's all reversed and i'm fucking like chew

back again what's going on am i gonna have like a full nose job do you go to heaven with your old nose i think you go with your old nose and you know what am i gonna be gap tooth again i kind of wish i was i regret that i used to have a massive gap in my teeth. Closed it. I'd love a gap tooth. Me too. You're so sexy. My mum told me not to.

And I got rid of it. She was jealous. She was jealous. She just wanted me to look like shit. Sandra's always trying to sabotage you. I'm doing the Isle of Man oh god

she's doing she's blogging stuff okay brilliant I'm thrilled sorry Douglas Isle of Man Douglas Gaiety Theatre

on Saturday the 25th of February there are a lot of tickets left folks sorry I'm not finished if you wish to buy one visit my website

joannmcnally.com where all my gig dates are listed I'll be in Ireland Australia New Zealand can I do this for you joannmcnally.com

go there if you want to have the best night of your life there's a there's a there's a gig and it's in the Isle of Man you're going to have honestly the best time

of your whole entire life go to the website to have the best night of your life I've put it there from Vogue who doesn't know it's in the Isle of Man. You're going to have, honestly, the best time of your whole entire life. Go to the website to have the best night of your life. I've put it there from Vogue. Who doesn't know it's there? Come here to me. I wanted to do a Google game with you you we search questions about you and me in google here are the ones that people have been searching about us is joanne mcnally related to vogue

williams no she is not i am i i i'm partially responsible for one of your children now so not related by blood but i'm adopted so i'm not related for one of your children now, so not related by blood, but I'm adopted, so I'm not related to anyone by blood that I know. So you're basically the same thing. Is Joanne McNally funny? Well, that's extremely offensive. I want to know who they are so I can block and report them online. That is, that's a gee-bag question. Do you you know I had my first my worst heckle in Dubai and

like people always ask you got heckled in Dubai worst heckle go on what was it

I talk in the show about you know like aging and like what look in your age

and all and I say in the show um I got ID'd recently yeah and some woman just goes

liar I was like that is the cruelest thing anyone's ever said to me that is really nasty

really nasty how dare you if I see if I see a comment and it's like sorry she's 35 she looks more

like 45 I'm like oh god it stabs me right in the heart it's just it's painful is Vogue Williams

her real name? Yes it is my real name. It is Okay I just heard the chair move in the kitchen I just heard the chair move I'm too scared to go and check It's obviously one of the kids They're in bed

Go and check. I can bed Go and check I can't I can't Go and check I'm ringing Svenny I'm too scared Oh my god Take this with you They're just like

No I'm too I'm way too scared Now I'm really scared I'm really scared We're going to find her dad In the corner with no eyes Stop Imagine the

Imagine the Daily Mail Sorry Jo You heard that You heard that chair move 100% Everyone did Oh my god I'm shitting myself

anyway was your dad big into sitting down what's the relationship he did enjoy sitting down he wasn't much of an exerciser I don't know where I got the exercise gene

but it wasn't from him he was like my dad was like I would ring Gibney's the pub like I knew what times to ring

because I knew what times he'd be there every week anyway I love that oh my god oh my god oh my god I just text Spencer

and I said where are you and he says downstairs he's downstairs in the basement I'm not I'm not going to look he's two floors down I'm not

guys I'm too scared honestly honestly I'm shitting myself I'm really scared maybe it's not your dad maybe it's the spirit of a dead skier.

That would be more likely. That's worse. I don't want to meet them. I'd say if your dad was haunting anyone it'd be Gibney's pub. It doesn't sound like he'd be arsed travelling to France. Spenny's like how come? I'm like I'm scared. Please just come upstairs. It's actually terrifying. I feel like you need

one of those readers that the psychics have. They're like, I am. Do you know who I'm going to speak to? You remember that one? Penny, did you ever talk to her? Oh, she's amazing. She does tarot cards and everything like that. And I'm going to go speak to her again.

Is there slime coming through the door? Is there slime in the room? John, stop. I know you understand it right. I am. I'm starting to sweat. It might be the merino wool I'm wearing I don't know

it's like we've right listen to what Spenny writes back I swear to god I said I'm scared why mama question mark I'm really horny can you see that can you see it i'm scared oh okay i'm really horny he's like well if we're feeling if we're sharing feelings here's my feeling oh my god stop okay, back to Google questions.

Is Vogue Williams employed? This is, people honestly think that I don't work. It's a shade. Excuse me, clack clack, send them the link.

Click clack. Click clack, click clack. I told you, just click now. What Joanne McNally's age? 39 baby, no shame. Does Vogue Williams have veneers

yes my two front teeth because I knocked one out when I was younger I thought you said no ears and I was like that's insane what a weird question

but yeah she does have veneers and the best veneers ever your two front teeth are perfect yeah he did a good job Dr. George

great dentist does Joanne McNally perform for free it depends where it is it depends where it is in the bedroom yes she does blow blow here

blow blow there the charge the fee in the bedroom is so emotional it's really not worth it to any man to be honest I'd say they'd rather

hand me a grand in cash than deal with the fallout of having slept with me and I'm going take the house I'd say they'd rather hand me a grand in cash than deal with the fallout of having slept with me. Take the house. Please just don't contact me again. But I love you.

So, because I am a woman of my generation, I'm a millennial, haven't I, Jo? Like an elder millennial. We're noties, I think, are we not? generation I'm a millennial haven't I Jo? Like an elder millennial We're noties I think are we not? You're not a millennial We're elder millennial Yeah I think millennials are born after

1985 Okay that's me No No because I'm 83 I'm 1985 So I'm definitely a millennial No I am You're not

You're my mom's bracket I'm not a bit Oh no sorry I beg your pardon Between 1981 and 1996 Okay Exactly So I'm not a bit. Oh no, sorry. I beg your pardon. Between 1981 and 1996. Okay. So I'm millennial by the skin of my teeth, right?

But obviously I was raised on Sex and the City. Like that and Barbie. But I fucking loved it so much. So now, even though Sex and the City has kind of been through a couple of changes and people say it's, you know, not that woke and blah, blah, blah. I love it. I want to do

the sex in the city tour because I'm in New York so I googled it and I was like oh my god it's gonna be so amazing blah blah blah and I have to say it actually doesn't look that great it's three and a half hours on a bus oh fuck that I already know I know that's longer than the fucking two films and they just drive you around to like different and they just like they're like oh look there's the bakery where this is there's Carrie's like different and they just like they're like oh look there's the bakery where this is there's Carrie's stoop

and I was like no no no no no what I want is like an interactive sex in the city tour so like you can run in and kind of I'd like to be the one

to bring Natasha to the hospital when she breaks her tooth when she walks into the house and finds that Carrie's banging big me too do you remember when Charlotte

wrapped the postage stamps around Trey's dick to see if he was impotent? No. What? I don't remember that. Wait to see if he would get it up or what?

I don't know. Yeah. She didn't know if he could get it up. So all these moments that if, imagine it was an interactive sex in the city tour.

Like imagine it was like you were the police woman who arrested Carrie for smoking that joint on the street or you were the one you could pay to like drive Samantha home

from her chemo that's the kind of sex in the city tour I want I'm not I'm not paying to go on a bus for three and a half hours

I'd like to go out with Samantha that's what I mean Samantha would go out we'd get some worldliness I love to know

did you know what though I kind of I used to think that like probably Sarah Jessica Parker was just a bit annoying but actually

I think Kim Cattrall just really didn't take the high road at all and like even when Sarah Jessica Parker kind of reached out to her she was a bit mean again it's like come on hun

so it wasn't it was do you know what it did seem like a and I'm being very careful here in case I meet her one day for when your friendship occurs

neither I live in New York I ain't out of him well I'll tell you what we've blown enough bridges boy George will never look at us again don't mind him

but what I will say oh my god I'm not supposed to say this but I'm gonna say it I have a bit of news if boy George followed you

I'm fucking I'm switching off I'm not I'm not doing this anymore no okay fine I have I hate to do this but I have a bit of work news okay

I have been booked to do a little chat show if you're gonna say my favorite chat show of all time called James Corden shut up yeah babe in New York in New York so what I'm saying is I won't be here next week

for the podcast it's done I've made it it's over so ring Laura Whitmore ring do what you need to do

but I won't be here did we not strike him and he still booked you well he obviously doesn't listen to the fucking podcast thank god Joanne that's amazing. I know.

Oh my God. That is massive. This is it. It's done. I've cracked it. Oh, she's moving to America. Medica. She's moving to America.

That was a lie. That hasn't happened. That was for you telling me you got invited to the Atlantis party. My invite still stands at the donkey sanctuary in Cork but James I'm here

I'm here no I'm in New York you found your bridges with him we didn't no sorry I actually

I'm pretty sure I defended James Corden I don't think you did I don't think you did I'm pretty fucking sure I'm pretty sure I did stop trying to lick his arse he didn't invite you

Jo go back I was so proud of you there for a minute that's really mean of you to do something like that sorry I thought you were going to say Graham Norton

would you ever get on that quick it's like when you lied and tell me you weren't pregnant when you were that's how that felt no that was and you know what Joanne I'll be honest with you

you're right you know the way people keep saying are you going to have another baby I'll be honest with you I'm giving myself to the end of next summer to decide whether or not I'm going to have another baby so you have be honest with you. I'm giving myself to the end of next summer to decide whether or not I'm going to have another baby.

So you have to be on tenterhooks until then. Okay. Well, that's unfortunate because I have you booked in for a hysterectomy in March. You're going to need to work to a tighter time scale.

When I'm done, Spenny's getting the snip, I think. I think that that's a fair deal. I'm not taking the pill every day. I think that's really 100%. And he said he would. Snip him. Snip him.

Yeah, he said he would. I don't even have to. I actually said to him, I was like, if we decided we weren't having any more kids, would you like, and he was like, yeah, of course I would. I'd do that for you. Yeah.

He's a really nice person, that man. But, folk, hold on a second. You spat three kids out of your body. Asking him to get the snip like you can't take the pill forever it has massive impact on your hormones although

I actually think at this stage you have a fourth child you're so loose now the thing will just walk out itself oh sorry okay do you want

to have a competition on the electric chair again do you want to have a vagina competition don't you dare bring up my pelvic floor again you've made it absolutely show out me the first time

I won't be shamed with your precision type vagina I will not be shamed oh Spenny's written back to his I'm horny he's responded

to his own text with a thumbs up because I've said nothing. It's like, Spencer, I feel unsafe. Oh yeah? I feel horny. I'm writing back, still scared. So there was a man, right, who got eaten by a whale. He got eaten by a whale

because he was filming the whales during when they catch all those sardines. So they just go around with their mouths wide open like the way I sleep every night. Folk, I'm sorry. Is this not your story every week? No, it was a hippo. It was a hippo a few weeks ago.

I'm sorry if this is what excites my mind. Your research team is really branched out. I'll tell you what, John. I'm not talking about Pompeii anymore, okay? Pompeii and Egypt are out. I don't want to talk about Tutankhamun. Your obsession is becoming weird with that man, child. It's not Tutankhamun.

It's Toots. Tootsie. Right? You'll listen about the animals. You'll listen about the animals. Right? All right, go on. This man got eaten by a whale right and that whale

could have gone to the depths with that man and if he had of your man's head would have exploded but the whale doesn't eat it wouldn't the man wouldn't fit down his throat anyway so he actually just naturally let him out which was quite sound of the whale all i'm hearing here is a whale went down in a man and i don't know what the problem is well there is something about snakes that joe there is something here about snakes that joe might be interested in because joe loves yeah yeah joe loves a snake an asian explorer has documented the time he woke up while he was being eaten by a python joe's wet dream. The python's jaw... A python ate a whole man. The python's jaw had unhinged

and swallowed him from the feet up. The python made it up to his shins before he had to fight the snake away with a knife. Yeah, they can eat you. The python was clearly hungover because that's the only reason you could ever tackle something the size of a man. It was obviously in bits. They just swallow shit

like that. Three day bender. Joe loves that story more. A polar bear. Do you want to hear one about a polar bear? Sure Hit us. Known to be very territorial. They can sniff humans out a mile off. One group of unlucky expeditioners had their tent eaten by one We can only assume he was just trying to

get the humans inside Sorry Not to take away from what you've done there with Wikipedia, but can we just... I've also got vultures. I've got vultures. At least mine's factual. Do you want to hear about the vulture?

Sure. They circle explorers waiting for them to die. Actually, do you know what? If you're going to slag me about Googling stuff, right? I'll tell you a story you know in spain when there's fires and you see the helicopters go and they pick up the water and they throw the water on the fire well i'll tell you what once they found a diver because they scooped up a diver and threw him on the fire imagine that you're out just having a nice time

going to see some turtles and then he gets scooped up and dumped on a fire in malaga you're a hero you're a hero you're fucking saving lives i have a story that is just i've just you've just reminded me of which again no i'm not making up someone else might have but joe if you would wouldn't mind fact checking this i read a story once so apparently allegedly apparently allegedly when planes you know when you oh they they release urine out of the bottom of a plane they freeze it and then they release it into the sea like in a shaft because it can't stay on the plane oh okay yeah yeah yeah that's actually I believe that yeah and apparently they miscalculated and the plane kind of

malfunctioned and they released a shaft of frozen urine over land and it speared a

woman to death in Coventry was it the phalange I don't I don't want to

reveal Angie. I down a reveal. As someone who lives in New York, I love that joke. I loved it. As someone who lives in New York, she's been there four hours. Could I be any more local? I've just had a quick Google and there's divers scooped up by the fire plane.

It says that story's been around since the 80s and it's not true. Joe. Do you think... Joe, who pays you for this shit? We're paying for this negative attitude. You're always serving to Google things. I didn't get you're always going to google things

I didn't get my story from google it's from a friend of a friend and do you want to know another story there you go do you know Lynn

Lynn my friend Lynn do you know her you can't use her name okay we'll say Lynn you know my friend Lynn so Lynn is family friends with this family

who live in Australia and they were out boating one day as they do in Australia and their daughter got dragged off the boat by a giant squid and drowned yeah

I don't know hold on is that true Vogue listen that's what she told some things aren't in Google. The family didn't want that in the Google. Okay? That shit's true. So it was a secret squid attack.

It was a secret squid attack, okay? I do believe squids are quite discreet. That's what I've heard. They are. Jo, will you Google that death by piss thing, please? The death by piss thing is a load of shit, Joanne. Yeah, the shaft of urine killing a woman, that's not true either.

Okay, Jo. Jo, stop talking bad news. I'm sorry. We know what happened. It was Fanny McGee in Coventry. You try telling her family

that she didn't get shafted by a shaft of piss. Can we say fact check, Joe? We don't mean like piss on our pride. Do you know what I mean? We just mean

confirm what we Who knows, huh? Well, thank you everyone for listening and we hope you weren't too frightened by the stories of death. But, um,

they're true and they happened. Okay? Regardless of what people said. Joe, absolute ruiner of stories I'm not saying anything thank you for listening

to the podcast we have business we have stuff to sell what do we have to sell oh well first of all can I say that our first part of merch

went on sale mtgmstore.com our beanies are on sale and actually do you know what we only have a limited amount of them because there's no point

in getting more because by the time they're done it won't be winter anymore so the batch that's currently on sale is the last batch to go on sale

they're done I mean I was a little embarrassed with the huge announcement of merch to realise to say I'm so not involved in this

this is Vogue's baby 100% she's Alan Sugar I bow down in respect but I was like merch answer it's two hats what else is coming? we've got other stuff coming we've got the sickest socks coming

I've actually got three pairs of them here socks you know those socks that you pull up over your gym leggings really cool socks we've got bags coming we've got these amazing water bottles. And then we have... Water bottles.

Yeah, because Joanne doesn't like to open links. So I said this to Ciara and I said, you know what? Just ignore it, Joanne. Get her to sign the contract and we'll do the rest.

And that's what we're doing. Yeah, you could tell me we're literally... Like we've got merch. Just selling bags of poo. Human feces. feces shaft of piss is that what you called it

a shaft of piss we're selling Joanne's shaft with little goats stamped in the middle yes I approve sign sign sign this looks good to me

Vogue hasn't opened anything I trust you we have we have different strengths Joanne deals with other things

we have released a variant of chlamydia which you can get at our live shows keep sending your emails into mtgmpod at gmail.com that's not the email

for fuck's sake is that a what how do we not know that do you know what Jo would you not just change the email hello hello

hello hello How do we not know that? Do you know what, Joe? Would you not just change the email? Hello, hello at MTGMPod.com. Is that right? That's so funny. I still don't know that.