My Therapist Ghosted Me - "I don't want facts, I don't want truths, I just want to hear your opinion..."

Episode Date: July 22, 2022

You know what this podcast offers by now. Some facts, few truths and plenty of unsubstantiated opinion. A perfect mix. This week features some unbelievable spoofers, a man who's been cheating (shock) and someone going through Vogue's drawers. Who could it be?! If you'd like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThank you!

Hello and welcome to My Therapist Ghosted Me with me, Beag Williams, and her looking absolutely fantastic on her holliers, Joanne McNally. Thank you. Do you know what? That one and a half minutes I had to wait for that email was too long for me. I have no patience. I was sitting here, I was like, what is wrong with him? Joe, send the email.

Why did it take you so long? I love when Vogue goes full Mariah Carey. It was too long. Too bloody long. To be fair to Mariah Carey, I saw her there in the Daily Mail, where else? And she's still with that fella. Well, I mean, he's going nowhere. She's Mariah Carey. I wouldn her there in the Daily Mail, where else? And she's still with that fella. Well, I mean, he's going nowhere.

She's Mariah Carey. I wouldn't leave her ever. Sorry, what fella? She has this fella that she, he was a dancer when she was married or engaged to the billionaire James Packer. And then she met this dancer and then they got together. All successful rich women end up with dancers because they don't need men for money or stability. They are, as Cher says, they are the rich man themselves. So they can just have a bit of eye candy.

Just like a dancer. Because they're in great shape. Great shape. Throw you around the room a bit. Yeah. Not me. I'm too tall. Do the labello with you.

Not the labello. What's it called? Not the labello. The labello is a lip thing, isn't it? Do the chihuahua with them at the weekend. The fox, Josh? A bit of a fox. I'd like to, no, a salsa?

A sexy salsa? Come on, we'll do the guacamole. I love when we dance with the guacamole. Oh my God, my auntie Gina. We made guacamole on the holiday and she's like, who made that guacamole? It's so nice. She says she has weird ways of saying so many different words.

Like, you know, Monaco in France. She calls it Monaco. It's like Nigella Lawson. Remember, she was like, stick this in the microwave. And everyone with the internet just like burnt down to the ground because no one could tell if she was being serious or not. I think she was. Nigella.

Yeah. She's she was. Yeah. She's got her own language. Do you know that her ex-husband or is it her husband at the moment won't eat any of her food that she cooks? Well, it mustn't. No, because her ex-husband

I actually saw there about two weeks ago in Scots. You know that restaurant? No. Oh, I'm going to have to bring you there. It's delicious. It's not really our vibe, but they have really nice food.

It's very, it's very fancy. Our vibe was the asparagus. Do you know that I spoke openly about the asparagus? And the amount of girls who messaged me were like, the asparagus is great. That's our vibe. Yeah, that's our vibe. But this place, I have to say,

it does a nice oyster. As a new oyster lover, it does a nice oyster. Snots of the sea oh gross anyway he wouldn't eat any of her food which is a control thing

oh when they were together yeah so it was like no no no it was like she obviously has this big huge talent do you know what

I was talking about it in relation to this comic I know was saying that their partner never laughs at their jokes as a control thing oh and we were talking and he's like Nigella her husband never ate her food that their partner never laughs at their jokes as a control thing.

And we were talking and he's like, Nigella, her husband never ate her food. It kind of a thing of like, I'm not going to bow down to your talent as it were, whatever. I'm not going to eat any of your food. He was just ate beans on Tylestine. That's what I heard. I mean, I don't know where I get half this information. It just pops into my head. Can I be honest with you? It is fact allegedly if you eat too much rich fancy food

all the time, sometimes I just want a bowl of golden nuggets or like cheese on toast with mayonnaise even when I'm on holidays I'm like oh god I've got to go out for dinner again I hate that we like simplicity I like a simple food

I meant to say to you oh yeah the sun suits me the sun suits you like you're not hungover you're not sweating you've got this you look fantastic my god well i am sweating now oh that no i mean compare joe's couldn't believe like compared to greece where i slept through the podcast and practically got arrested missed my flight This is quite the turn for the books. Look at me. Professional as fuck.

Where are you staying? So I'm in my friend Nikki's house in Faro. She lives in Portugal. Yeah. And she's got a little baby called Alfie

who's like, I don't know what age he is but I keep kind of pissing her off by saying things like, is he still wearing nappies? Is he not a bit old for that? He's only one.

But she gets really upset. I'm like, he's not very advanced for his age, is he? But sure, he has her heart broken because he won't say mama. He'll only say dada, dada, dada. And he's all these Portuguese words now. Like, he's practically reading recipes off the back of boxes and he won't say mama. And she spends all her time with him. Oh, no. So I was like, I want him saying my full name at the time I leave.

Joanne Catherine Lucy McNally. And then look at her with just confusion in his eyes as to who she is. Sorry, did you choose Lucy as your confirmation name? Yeah. Lucy was hot shit back in the day. What did you choose? Cosmo. What did you choose?

Alexandra. Now TV. A woman's own. What did you choose? What did you choose? Shut up,'s own what did you choose what did you choose shut up Joanne I chose Alexandra Lucy what a pile of shit

no offence to any Lucy's out there Alexandra notions 11 look at you my little brother was called Alexander and I was like

I'll be Alexandra was that a power play on your brother was that a was that a was that coercive control as we call it these days I thought to myself you know I'm going to gaslight the shit out of him I'm going to call myself Alexandra Was that a power play on your brother? Was that coercive control, as we call it these days?

I thought to myself, you know, I'm going to gaslight the shit out of him. I'm going to call myself Alexandra. There's nothing he can do about it. He was stepping on my toes. He was the favorite for a while. He was the favorite for a while. I have obviously surpassed that now. Ah, yeah.

It's a really nice position, do you know that? To be the favorite child. And they all know it. My brother Frederick still believes that he is. And like, he's probably, he's like right down there. It's him and Amber swap back and forth for the worst. That pile of shit. I don't know. I think, I think we're, my mom does worry about me more for sure. I wouldn't have any idea why Yeah she definitely worries about me more About my future And Men and like children

And stuff like that She's like you should have a child you'd be a great mother I said why do you think that she goes because you are a child you're like a child yourself You act like a child I don't think that's a compliment You would actually get on really well Your kid would just be like your little sidekick You'd bring them everywhere.

I think the joy, from what I can tell, in having kids is dressing them. You can do anything you want to those children. You can put them in anything. You've made some strange choices, as we know. Yes, I regret them. I regret. Listen, I threw out the tights. I didn't keep the tights for Otto. Thank God you threw out those tights. Because if you'd had Otto and those tights, I mean, it's none of my business anymore because I'm not his godmother. But if I was still his godmother,

I'd be absolutely furious. Okay, Joanne. Do you know what? Otto had a milestone today. Not that you would care about it. He laughed for the first time. Yeah, but if I was around, we would have laughed ages ago.

He's obviously, he's developing slower because I'm not there. Actually, he's advanced. He's not meant I'm not there actually he's advanced he's not meant to laugh for another three weeks at least really

yeah laugh dirty smile dirty he's even on the roll now not that kind of roll he's about to roll do you know what as well being around this baby Alfie

he's walking but like the wobbling around how people don't I've nearly had a stroke from the nerves I was like Nicky that child is wobbling around I said put him in've nearly had a stroke from the nerves I was like Nikki that child

is wobbling around I said put him in an umbrella stand put him in a cement bucket put him in something because I'm going to have a heart attack he is so

unsure on his legs like they need to be in a helmet at all times and a gum shield but that's why they have nappies because they just fall

on their arse all the time it breaks the fall he fell straight in his face he had a huge big grace when I came into the house that's what they said he happened to because they just fall on their arse all the time. It breaks the fall. He fell straight in his face. He had a huge big grace when I came into the house. That's what they said. It happened to him anyway. I have to trust them, I guess.

Do you know what though? They would tell lies as well. Theodore has two big scratches. He actually woke up this morning. I think he scratched himself this morning because he woke up crying at like 10 past six and he's like, I got a scratch. But then he's blaming his other scratch on everyone else. And he'd say, I don't know say but mama slapped me and I'm like

no. What? I'm like don't say things like that. We're not a smacking family. I actually think that's against the law now is it? Where is he getting that? He's trying to get you put away. He's trying to get you to do hard time. That's not

a small matter. Well after saying he scratched himself he then proceeded to blame Gigi. And then he thought he'd give Otto a little go. I have no doubt it was Gigi. She's a thug. I have no doubt that little hooligan is scratching left, right and centre. She is.

I bought a back scratcher. Do you know one of these little hands, Jo? It was like a stick. Did you buy another one? Yeah, I have a couple of them now. I bought a couple of them in different colours off Amazon. And they scratch.

I had to scratch myself during lockdown because no one touched me because it was obviously I was single and alone it was always

hanging out of her pants that thing I'm like reviewing it on Amazon the fingers could be a little softer to be honest it's quite tough

a little bit too hard but I was so alone during lockdown like there was literally dust on the other side of my bed like there was a little bit too hard but I was so alone during lockdown like there was literally dust on the other side of my bed

like there was like fucking plants growing on it and all so I bought this little hand to scratch myself we became quite intimate oh god I was like

where did the batteries go and she's like there's no batteries Joanne it's just a back it's a legitimate back scratcher and a fake tan on your back youer oh and a fake tan on your back you used to do your fake tan

on your back with it I used yeah I used to strap the I used to sellotape the mitt a bare by Vogue mitt pluggy plug plug plug oh yeah

to the back scratcher and do my own back here come here to me is Alan not going to Portugal with you oh before we get on to that I was down in your house obviously while you were away

oh yeah yeah yeah living my life and I have a couple of bits here I took from your room and I was up what did you take did you get the same earrings

as me in Dame Lane are they those ones no I bought these in Zara yesterday I went into Portuguese Zara oh they're nice I was like a pig and shite in that place and em

just all the same stuff but anyway I went in and I was your brother I was like I know his shite in that place. And she thought the same stuff. Anyway, I went in. I was your brother. I know his friends were in the sitting room. And I was like up there rooting around. He's like, what are you looking for? I was like, I know where she keeps the tan. So I was rooting through the drawers underneath the television. They were watching sports and stuff.

Like a mad woman. Throwing it all into a bag. Like I was robbing you. Like I looked like I was robbing you. I have offered to send you tan whenever you want. So then you decide to take it from my house because it's easier for you to not open the package. But then I have to order more tan

and then I have to open the package and get rid of the recycling. I know what you're doing. I am, I am as lazy as you. It's horrific. I was in, oh God, I filled my boots in your house I have a lovely pair of green sandals from River Island oh my god you took the neon sandals what else did you take

I took the Valentino two-piece um oh I took two pairs of shorts oh yeah which one black Levi denim ones which are lovely do you know what I was only put I bought myself a new pair of black shorts luckily I did and I looked at my drawer when I was putting them all away and I was like denim ones, which are lovely. Oh, wow. Do you know what? I bought myself a new pair of black shorts. Luckily, I did. And I looked at my drawer when I was putting them all away and I was like, I can't believe you found the shorts, by the way. And I was like,

God, it's lucky I bought a pair of black shorts. I don't have any black shorts. Oh, I was in there with a head torch. I did a deep dive in that room. I went deep. I took some lingerie. Sure, I've no need for that. Once it's not my trusty

my trusty skin colour thongs I don't mind I took all your age and provocateur like I've any of that his name written on the crotch

I took all that oh yeah send him a picture of that he'd enjoy that I took your Hayley McKenzie beach bag

oh my god Hayley Menzies They only emailed me They kindly sent that to me They were like Does she like the bag And I was thinking about it Yes I was like

I really love that bag You better post about it now I've stolen folks It's gorgeous And by the way It's not a beach bag It was that way When I arrived to Portugal

and I was like I don't think this is a beach bag I think this is actually an expensive bag anyway it's a beach bag now there's gonna be

oils all over it I hope I hope you get sand in your foot okay it's it's covered in Aperol Spritz

and I haven't even posted about that bag I'll post about it for you don't worry I'll do that they'll just re-gift the gift

Fogue didn't post about it so Joanne can keep it now they'll be like we intentionally didn't give Joanne one we don't want her anywhere near our brand anyway so

decked out I've got a couple other bits as well so thank you I think that's so interesting to see what you choose you are quite you definitely are lesbian chic because so interesting to see what you choose. You're, you are quite, you definitely are lesbian chic

because like all those things that you took are very Amber. Yeah. I think it's actually unfair to lesbians. Like I'm not chic. You are, you look chic today.

I'm a tomboy. Sorry. Amber has the most amazing breasts. I know how the fuck did she get them and you got yours I know

excuse me now did you come out did you come out a different entry did you come out a different entrance does your mother have two vaginas

I don't I think because someone actually commented that when we put up pictures they were like oh you lost out the boob department I know I did

I really lost out I'd say that when I was created they were thinking man man man man man man and just at the end it. I'd say that when I was created, they were thinking, man, man, man, man,

man, man. And just at the end, it was like woman. And that's why I have this voice. That's why my hands are so big. That's why my feet are like boats. And that is why I have no tits.

I really want to drink watching you drink what's wrong with you will you give me two minutes and I'll run down and get a white claw go on of course okay two seconds

I'd love you to have a white claw oh my god you haven't held him. Vogue, I am flat out holding other things. I haven't held him because when I was in the house... Joanne McNally. He was being held by someone else. Who? You say, give me my God child.

I own him. I own him. I was holding him. And he looked very comfortable. It is a say, give me my godchild. I own him. I own him. And he looked very comfortable. It is a fight, to be honest with you. I had to say to people when he was first born, I was like,

no, you can hold him, but you'd have to say it to me because I'm not just going to give him up. I'd hold him as bait to get Gigi to come over and then I'd throw Otto down and lift Gigi up

and try and eat her because I love her so much. Oh my God. When we were in Spain, honestly, people would come up to me and be like, is that your daughter? She's so cute. About four or five people a day. You need to get her working straight

away. I know. She needs to be out there. Fuck Peppa Pig. Gigi, whatever her surname is. I can't remember whatever surname she is. Gigi Margot. Who do I think I am? Gigi Margot. Because like, who do I think I am? You know? Gigi Margot.

Oh God, Alexandria. Why am I not surprised? Lucy, get stuffed. Do not just call her Gigi Lorraine for the crack. Joanne Catherine, get lost.

Okay? If you get pregnant again, I want that child to be called like basic bitch on acid. Like Carol.

Finbar. Finbar. No offense to any Carols, but Carol. Just call the child Carol. Finbar. Finbar. No offence to any Carols, but Carol. Just call the child Carol for the crowd. One of my favourite aunties is called Carol. Very nice woman.

Tell me about your week. So you're on your holidays. So my biggest shock this week was Emily Ratajkowski. I couldn't. Joanne. What the fuck is wrong with them?

What is wrong with them? What did you say to me about that? I said it. Joanne. What the fuck is wrong with them? What is wrong with them? What did you say to me about that? I said it's an illness. It's an illness. Men. They have vaginophobia. They can't handle just one vagina. It's a fear of one vagina.

It's an illness. It's a mental illness. If someone's going to cheat on her, and do you know what? You see her in pictures. I saw her in real life and I was literally like, I nearly threw up.

She was so good looking. If she, if she is going to get cheated on, like, I'm sorry. There's no hope for us ugly bastards. On my wedding day, if you don't throw up in the aisle when you see me walking down,

I'll know that you think I'm in bits. Oh yeah, absolutely. I can't wait for your wedding. You better even fake wretch i want to see something but she she's like a sex doll she's like she looks like she was designed in a lab by two 16 year old boys she's like the perfect woman now listen we're being very superficial here she could be a fucking asshole she could be a sap she could be a sap with people like her i do hope they're saps

because you can't have it all that's not fair you can't look like that and be sound I think she is and she's kind of into activism and stuff

and she's kind of into art and she's just very cool and anyway what's the bloody point some men are sick they need to be castrated

yeah I will say though like there's something very nice about being with a guy I think

I could be wrong who you kind of know won't cheat do you know when you're just like I die of shock I feel like you've changed my mind

on all that now you've made me so pessimistic about it and when I saw that shit about Emily Radice I was like oh my god if someone would have the absolute cheek to cheat on her like there's just no hope but this is the thing

this is what it is it's like everyone gets old eventually everyone's boring eventually some people just some people men and women they just want the chase they need fresh vag all the time fresh oh my god vag is the worst word. Fresh genitals. What do you want me to say? I can't say pussy. I'm not an American. But I suppose you get to the point where like, obviously you're not,

like at the start of a relationship, you're like, oh yeah, all the time. And now like, like Spenny and I, like, like we're very- Hold on, hold on, folk. You've just reminded me. Was there not some really weird article about about you and

him in the daily mail about what was it he was like we've we have sex everywhere we have section we have sex in strange places like saunas right he brought this up on the podcast he always brings up sex which i don't want to talk about and then he sent me the article headline he was like what the fuck this wasn't taken out of the pod and I'm like what do you talk about sex every single week on the pod I don't know what you want in and what you want out and it was just the headline of we have sex in weird places he's like I've got business partners and I'm like well stop saying shit like that then yeah yeah I mean you're like you're leaking your own stories like come on we were talking though we were talking about having sex in the heat wave this week.

And I was like, we won't use the gimp mask and we won't use like the leather chaps. We can't use them. Yeah. Gag ball gone. He wants to sound really like, like we're having the time of our lives. We had sex in a sauna for about two seconds. Cause I was like, get out. You think it's exciting.

It never is. It's, do you know what I mean? The point is, and I would ask, cause I know that they, you know what I mean the point is and I would ask because I know that they you know I know that people do take stuff

we say on the pod and turn it into click baity bits and bobs it's so nice getting trialed now it's just a real barometer of where I am in my career

who's this the fucking funniest can't call herself a comedian yeah I do call myself a comedian you c*** sorry

I am a professional comic so yeah I do call myself a comedian. You c***. Sorry, I beat that joke. Yeah, you silly wanker. I am a professional comic, so yeah, I do call myself a comedian. Fucking incel. Anyway, sorry. You missed it. Did you not love my neon dress? I did like the knitted one.

Yeah. I liked it. I wouldn't be mad about it now. Oh my God, I thought that had your name all over it. I wouldn't be mad about it now Oh my god I thought that had your name all over it I wouldn't be able to pull that off Oh my god you absolutely would Well we're going on holidays together soon It's like a hammock You're wearing a hammock

To be honest with you I was very hung over the day I wore it And it was very difficult To get on because I kept getting my Giant spades caught in the sleeve. I think you think you're larger than you are. Are you mad? Have you seen the size of my hands? You're not that big.

My hands are, look at those hands. Sometimes I try and hide them in pictures. I do a half hand. Like I know they're huge. So I kind of like if I'm in a picture you'll never see my hand out like that it will always be tucked under a little bit

to hide it you're great though you know your angles so this is what I was going to say about Emily Ratajkowski I do think as we've discussed before

monogamy is almost an impossible task for hot people because they've other hot people throwing themselves at them all the time and also

her fella's only a six though her fella's a six he's not that hot well he's obviously got so he's obviously got something going if he's married to emily radikowski yeah true you know what i mean yeah and he's cheating on her i mean yes he's not hung like a pigeon's foot that's for sure yeah i'm guessing there's a lot going on down there i can't i know it's kind of but you know what's weird though that there's a lot going on down there. I can't. I know. It's kind of. But do you know what's weird though? That there's.

That's the room where that's out there. And they're breaking up. But they haven't actually broken up yet. She's got her ring taken off. The drama of the ring on and the ring off. I mean. Come on. I know.

I know. I feel like I'm like. Stamped with it. Sometimes you don't feel like wearing it. Because they're just like. You have to. I know. You have to. If you didn't. They'd be because they're just like... You have to. I know you have to.

If you didn't, they'd be like, Vogue Williams puts on a slaggy display. On the route to divorce again. I wonder what it'd be. Here we go again. We're like, three times is a charm. Make a wish. I couldn't do that to my mom, no matter what happened. I couldn't do it to my... She wouldn't be able for it. Not another one. She wouldn't be able.

Yeah, you wouldn't be a favourite child then. I would. I would. Speaking of... Oh, I know you have it in you. I wouldn't be able yeah you wouldn't be a favourite girl then I would speaking of oh I know you have it in you I can't wait speaking of weddings JLo and the man with the worst

tramp stamp in the world Ben Affleck fair play to her marrying him with that yoke on his back I'd say she's just like Ben don't you dare turn your back

on me ever or this marriage is over like face Ben look look me in the eyes Ben don't turn around don't turn around that honestly that's why I think there's something weird about him I always look at him and I feel like it was like this man I saw in Dublin airport today and he was pushing this thing but like but his eyes I was like whoa you know when someone's like a serial killer or there's something not right with them they look like they're gonna kill you I kind of get that vibe off Ben Affleck and I think it's just down to his tattoo I'm like murderer well the tattoo is just uh what we would consider it's not our style it shows it shows the kind of a mental unhinged month it's you, it shows a man going through something.

Anyway, I have two things. One, I'm absolutely obsessed with Jennifer Garner and how well she's kind of dealing with all this and she's so above it all. And you know what I mean? She's not key in anyone's car. She's not throwing shade. I can't even talk about Alice Evans anymore.

It's so sad now like it's just so sad I know it's just it's too much but now with Jennifer Garner they've been broken up a long time and I think she was

quite happy to cut him off but she like do you not think that if someone got married to the person that they were going out with before you met

she'd be like was the whole thing a sham were you ever actually into me or like you always had feelings for this other person and then he's on his he's at his speech his wedding i never thought about it like that yeah i don't i just don't think like i've never been this happy i've never been this happy that's not cool you can't say that it's not fair well it

can be true in some cases i've never been this happy in a relationship have you ever been that happy in a relationship no it's where you are yeah it's where you are at a current moment in time but I still think it's a bit shady to your ex who's she going out with Jennifer Garner don't think she's going out with anyone so I went to find out where she was when they got married and she was cycling around Lake Tahoe like the wholesome bitch that she is with her little cycling helmet I know and her glasses and her Oakleys her little wraparounds

she's a proper cycler she's clearly over it because if that was me I'd be I'd be like on what is that show

what is that show on the website that all the kids are on selling the porn OnlyFans that porn hub that's no porn hub's too intense

OnlyFans I would be up there with my legs in stirrups see I just I just don't nah I don't think

you give a shit after a while about certain people and can I say one thing I love JLo I think she looks amazing very disappointed

in her wedding dress like unbelievably disappointed but I think they almost went the other way as you'd say yourself i think they did a whole 360 because basically yeah yeah their wedding at the start kind of crumbled because it was this huge big thing there was so much drama so much attention

and they crumbled under the pressure whereas this time they just went low-key low-level they went to vegas they pulled a a Lily Allen on it. He wore some old jacket. She wore a dress from a movie. I think it was the movie where she- Made in Manhattan. Was it Made in Manhattan or was it not the wedding planner? Anyway, she looks fab, but she took his name.

I know, but she doesn't look fab though. That was not her best look. Why didn't she go sexy like the sexy little bitch she is? Like get Versace to make you a dress in all white and you'd look deadly. Like Lily Allen got dressed in a Chanel dress and she looked really cool. JLo was like basic bride, basic bride. Yeah, but she's-

With a half head, with a half pony. No, unacceptable. JLo's not that cool though. Do you know what I mean? Are you fucking mad? Yes, she is. She's sound, but I don't think she's cool. Like you wouldn't be seeing her

Like in a Roisin Murphy cape Or anything like She's not Oh no no no no She's not Roisin Murphy cool Lillian is pretty cool Jennifer is She's

She's JLo She wore that weird green Flag thing Dress With her Yeah with the palm trees That was the best dress But yeah

Taking his name Taking his name Like I just feel like You should send her one of your floral wraparounds I'd say she'd fucking love them this one while we're speaking

of dresses from my collection this is here we bloody go plugity plug plug plug new collection has landed Joanne there is a floral number on the way to you now Now.

I swear to God, one drink, I'm not sober anymore. One drink. You've had half a white claw. Get your shit together. I've only had a half. When I was going through your wardrobes, I did find your new gym line.

Yeah, the Lucy Negan one. Did you take anything? No, because I'm waiting to be gifted it, please. No, no, no, no, no, not for you. I want to do an unpacking like a proper influencer. Okay, I want an unpacking from above like they do. You know what? Here's my new package. Yeah. Now, what colour are you going to go for

what are the options black sage green and a blue oh I go sage green really I would have that would have been

the last one I would have thought you would have gone for anyway she took his name she's now called Jennifer Affleck so then I was

kind of thinking is it kind of because she's quite that's quite a traditional thing to do like no shame do what you want but I did think it was is it kind of because she's quite that's quite a traditional thing to do like no Shay do what you want but I did think

it was an interesting choice I think she's completely besotted with him her name's J-Lo like yeah but her name will do you know what

her name will always be J-Lo no one's going to start calling her Jennifer Affleck now they're just not the only way I would take someone else's name

is if they were super famous I would be Jo else's name is if they were super famous I would be Joanne Gosling if the opportunity arose oh yeah or Vogue Cooper Vogue Cooper Joanne

Vogue DiCaprio fuck that that lad is ridiculous I'll tell you what about changing your name, right? Yes. So I came to Dublin with Otto today. I'll be honest. I don't know what surname you go by.

I know. I know. It's quite difficult. So Vogue Williams. My legal name is actually Vogue Wilson because I had to change it years ago. But I always wanted to be Vogue Williams because that's what I was born as. And then Spenny's, I convinced that I'm Vogue Matthews. But I just like being Vogue Williams because that's what I was born as and then Spenny's I convinced that I'm Vogue Matthews but I just like being Vogue Williams but like when I go to the airport I was

with Otto on my own today and uh and you're meant to have his birth cert and a letter from his dad to prove that he's my child it's like I kind of get it but I like I don't it's bullshit is that because you don't have the same name yeah oh come Oh, come on. Like you're fucking, you're already going to be trafficking kids at the weekend. I'm Vogue Alexandra Williams. Words would get out if you're trafficking kids in your free time. People would know. Side hustle. Vogue Alexandra Williams.

I love a little nixer. Hashtag gifted. Gifted kids. No, but I understand that because I was talking about it on Insta and a lot of women were in touch saying it's an absolute melt if your kids don't have

the same surname as you. It's really annoying. But do you know what? Now I have to, I said to Spencer, I was like, right, I'll legally change my name

so it's on my passport because let's be honest, it's Wilson on my passport anyway. I wouldn't change anything else but I said you can do it I'm not doing it having to change your passport change your like your bank cards all that shit I'm not I'm not doing that shit especially it's different if you're kind of a business do you know what I mean like your name is part of your business so it's a different name no he really likes it because someone sent me a bag and like it had my name on it,

Vogue Matthews. And he was like, that's so nice. And I was like, yeah, it was a fucking mistake. It was a mistake. Oh, trust me, babes. It's getting returned ASAP.

Oh yeah, I won't be wearing that out of the house. I do think there is, do you know when you're in love and you feel very, like you just want to be like, you want to share everything and be close to them and you think everything's really cute and do you know what I mean yeah like if when you check into a hotel and they assume you're married you're like all that shit I get that but like you're fucking

long enough down the path now you should be over that yeah I know I know but but for for like traveling with the kids and stuff like that I actually actually think I'm going to have to do it. I did travel home. I traveled home. Traveling with kids is like a different ball game. I didn't train yesterday, but I actually had a higher strain than I do on days that I train.

Like it's just the most intense. Come here. Are you wearing those whoop knickers? No, I didn't put the whoop in my knickers. So I still have the whoop on the watch, but they did send me knickers because you can put the whoop in your knickers. Did you hear the whoop on the watch but they did send me knickers because you can put the whoop

on your knickers did you hear about this Jo in your knickers fitness watch in your crotch fitness watch in your crotch

selling point she had these huge big knickers hanging around the basement I was like what the fuck are these actually they're my

whoop knickers so she wears them and they track her movements like a fitness watch does yeah and on more gaseous days

I have a higher strength but I don't get that like you don't have a heartbeat in your crotch how yeah and on on more gaseous days i have a higher strength but i don't get that like you don't have you don't have a heartbeat in your crotch how do they know there's different points that you would have like like you can get those rings i do i have one of those rings that's coming um to put in your finger because they look a bit nicer and i just like to i like to track my sleep but um but yeah traveling with kids it was just outrageous. On the way over, poor Gigi had the runs. Like on a flight with that kind of thing, I eventually had to put one of Otto's.

Classic Gigi. She wakes up, she chooses violence. Yeah. I couldn't believe it. On the one day, I had to put one of Otto's nappies on her. Like strangling the poor little thing. She knew she'd have to. This is classic middle child tantrums.

Oh, 100%. On the way home wet herself like she doesn't do that yeah just like just really kicking off she sounds possessed doesn't she I know

does her head spin around only at night I love the idea that Gigi's sitting there going hold on a second no one's looked at me for seven minutes

fuck you pisses all over herself in the middle of an airport. Everyone's like, oh no, Gigi. We need to put her on the seat. She used to do her Kegels. You do a spoofer. I've got a spoofer as well.

Okay, my spoofer has to be Kylie Jenner. Did you see her posting about like, she's just like his and hers. Like I get that. If you've, if you've got like two sinks in your bathroom, like that's lovely.

And like, well done to you, but his and her planes, they both have these enormous. First of all, I didn't think her fella was that successful, but he's really huge. No, he's massive. Travis Scott.

But seriously, what's... Listen, we'll get on to him another day. He never looks like he's... I don't think I've ever seen him smile. That's disturbing to me in a person. If you never see them smile, if they're just too cool. Even Kanye West has broken a smile

is he a rapper is Travis Scott a rapper yeah he's a rapper yeah rappers don't smile they're too cool smiling's for Taylor Swift not Travis Scott she smiles too much now

that's too far the other way maybe he doesn't have great teeth anyway she's standing there and she posts this thing about like and honestly

like I'm not I'm not saying I'm the biggest climate change activist in the whole world but it's currently 39 degrees and honestly like i'm not i'm not saying i'm the biggest climate change activist in the whole world but it's currently 39 degrees in london like something's not right and she's uh the two of them have like two of these huge private planes fair enough if you have them and you want to use them don't be don't be posting about it come on i know in me and you fly in our private jets we have the dignity and the respect to keep it to ourselves. And the only reason we have two is because we like to fly side by side.

Is why? Is we like to fly side by side, but we don't want to cramp each other's space. We don't want to fly together. No. No. We're trying to stay professional. It's too much time in each other's company. We don't want to ruin

the pod. If we were flying with each other we wouldn't have enough content for the pod. Exactly. We'd get it out of the way

in the flight. But was it not that they said his or which one will we take? It was a bit it was an obnoxious post. It was just so

ugh. It was an obnoxious post but like it pisses people off because especially now people are fucked she goes

yeah I know but she goes people are trying to figure out how to pay their gas bill and you want to take mine or yours shut up do you know what

I just think I think that like there's a like right they're obviously she's a billionaire they're obviously minted just have a bit of class

about it and like don't be like have a bit of decorum yeah stop showing pushing your private plane and do you know what that plane seats

about fucking 50 people that looks like a jumbo jet yeah no I agree it was it was obnoxious but then again

like when are the Kardashians like they're they're they live in a different world yeah anyway she would have got a lot of shit for that and I will say this

Kendall wouldn't do that because she's sound Kendall see this is the thing that she would have got a lot of shit for that. And I will say this, Kendall wouldn't do that because she's sound. Kendall would, see this is the thing that I mean. Kendall has a bit of style about her. She never like

shows off like all the nice bits she has and we know she's got nice bits. She did the classic. She broke up with your man, thirst trap, her bollock naked,

face down in a sun lounger, ass out. Did you see that? Absolutely right. That's how you know People are breaking up With their partners Boyfriends

Girlfriends Thirst traps Supposedly Thirst traps Supposedly she's getting Back with him though Or maybe she had Someone in the sidelines

Someone in the wings Clever girl Here we go again Who is it folks? Just tell us who it is Just tell us who you've Got in the wings Come on

Just tell us She is fully naked Who is it folks? Who have who you've gotten the wings come on just tell us she's fully naked like who is it who have I gotten the wings when I posted when I posted that picture of the trainer everyone was like he'd be a good backup wouldn't he be a good backup there I've known in the wings Joanne do you know what because I'm happy with my own company so if I had to if anything ever happened I love that it wasn't I'm happy in my marriage it was I'm happy in my own company if anything I'm in a stable I don't feel like

I'm going to get the boot anytime soon but I could be wrong if Spenny gets me the boot and I've no one in the wings that's my own fault he'd never give you the boot he's obsessed

there's that dog did I tell you about did I tell you about that dog this is no word of a lie right gorgeous little dog when I was drinking in did I tell you that dog but this is no word of a lie right gorgeous little dog when I was drinking in Nicky's house years ago and Fred the dog was there me and Nicky used to live together but um before that and Fred was kind of humping my arm and we thought it was

absolutely hilarious and we're like look at Fred hump my arm and then he came on your arm on my arm and he's never been able to look me in the eye since and that's the God's honest truth that's absolutely disgusting he went really like like today he came over and he backed onto my foot

and just kind of rested his ass on my foot but he wouldn't look at me or anything you look at him every time I get in oh God how did you get to the point

where his little pink willy was coming out and everything you're a sicko horses first now it's dogs you're sick I'm going to see you in the Daily Mail soon you're sicko horses first now it's dogs you're sick I'm gonna see you in the Daily Mail soon

you say sicko I say sexy animals are very drawn to me animals are very drawn to me Alan's not there yet so she's she's got Fred now on the go

yeah he's my he's my plan B back up woof woof and he's got an Instagram account which I'm a huge fan of it means I can trust him

yeah no I thought I thought the airplane thing was obnoxious but like they're away with the fairies I know at the same time what's the point of hiding

the fact that they're loaded I know they don't she knew that was going to piss people off she didn't care they don't need of hiding the fact that they're loaded I know they don't she knew that was going to piss people off she didn't care they don't need to hide the fact that they're loaded

we know that they're loaded but I just think come on that's like it's just a bit gross I think that anyone who posts you know when people are on like

a private plane or anything like that and they just like just don't I know I want to post when Alan comes over to Portugal

I want to post his pedalo and my pedalo and be like, yours are mine, baby. Yeah. Or like one of those pedalo swans. You'd splash out in two pedalos. They're not cheap over there. Do you know what happened to my brother yesterday?

Did he walk in on Spencer going down on you again? Oh, God. I can't. I can't even think about that it makes me so revolted I actually I think about it

all the time oh god it's just it was one of the worst things that's ever happened in my life sorry go on

anyway so he was doing the right thing because the airports are a bit of a mess at the moment and he was going on holidays

with his kids and his wife and they were going with their friends. Oh, sorry, Frederick, brother. Yeah, Frederick, brother. He hasn't walked in on me yet. So Frederick, brother, yes.

And he was like, right, we'll all do the bag drop because you can drop your bags a day early. Didn't he lose all of the passports? Every single one. I know. He had them in a passport wallet, checked the bags in, left the wallet, he thinks them in a passport wallet checked the bags in left the wallet he thinks in the trolley

and then he spent like an hour and a half looking for these wallets this passport wallet let me see what he said looking for his passport wallet he's actually told me to give Paul from the DAA from Liverpool a shout out

he just thinks my instagram is his instagram he's like shout that out to post this dude like i've actually i've had to limit him i'm like fred you've got three posts a year that's all you're getting out of me because he'll just take take take and lost them all was looking for them and his little kids had packed their bags i was so stressed out about it i had to like triple drop cbd oil i was like squirting it in like you used to do back in the day and i just i was so stressed out about it. I had to like triple drop CBD oil. I was like squirting it in like you used to do back in the day. And I just, I was so stressed for him. And then he rang me an hour and a half later.

Someone had picked them up and forgot to drop them into the airport. Well, that's what we think. And drove them down to Wexford. He had to drive two. So they found them, didn't drop them into Dublin airport, dropped them to a garden station in Wexford. He had to drive two, so they found them, didn't drop them into Dublin Airport, dropped them to a garden station in Wexford. And he had to drive two hours there and two hours back. But, he got the passport.

I mean, come on, at least he got them. Some person out there is going, I saved this man's life, I fucking found all his passports. And do you know what? St. Anthony found them. No one else but him, right? That's what I call myself, a crisis Catholic, if you know what I mean. I don't believe That's what I call myself, a crisis Catholic. If I'm going to win, I don't believe in God

unless there's serious turbulence on an airplane and then I'm incredibly religious. Oh my God, yeah, definitely. Had the revive done. Ewan McKinley, we should probably plug his business. It's the lovely clinic.

His name's Ewan. Lovely clinic, yeah. How Joanne gets away with drinking the way she does and looking like that is only down to Ewan. It's a lovely clinic. His name's Ewan. Lovely clinic, yeah. How Joanne gets away with drinking the way she does and looking like that is only down to Ewan. It's 100% Ewan. To say I'm getting away

with murder. Yeah, I can't believe it. Tell me who your spoofer is. Do you know who my spoofer is? This really fucking pissed me off. Now, I didn't do a deep dive on it so I could have false information but I don't believe that I do.

Joanne, I don't want facts. I don't want facts i don't want truth i just want to hear your opinion megan fox oh what a pile of shit i read that who publicly has come out saying she doesn't work out doesn't exercise and she's got a full-blown six And I'm like, why are you lying? Like, are you saying, like, what happened? Did you glue them on? Did someone come in and etch them into your skin? You fucking worked your hell off with that six pack. Fine, respect. But why are you lying?

Why are you trying to make us feel like shit? Why are you trying to make out that you're sent from the heavens? You work for it, Megan. You work for it like everyone else. She denies she gets Botox. She denies everything. She denies... It just pisses me off.

Do you know, I was never that mad about her. I think she's full of shit. I think your man and her are full of shit. And like, you can literally see her abs. She's got rippling abs.

She's ripped. Yeah, and her arms are super toned. There's no way... And by the way, Google Megan Fox before and after. If she's saying

she hasn't had shit done... This is what annoys me. Her abs the way, Google Megan Fox before and after. If she's saying she hasn't had shit done. This is what annoys me. Her abs. You could play her like a xylophone. Yeah, she looks incredible. Why? This is what I really, this really annoys me.

Genuinely really annoys me. Women who lie about getting shit done just making other women feel like shit. I just I think that I don't know why you've already won the fucking genetic lottery Megan

you're already a riot it's okay to say you've had a bit of help it's okay to say you work out she's a stupid she's a stupid thing where she's like oh if God wanted me to work out

he would have put diamonds on the ground and some bullshit I find that like I find that like it's so to me that's so unfeminist as well

I'm like oh just like shut up I know stop we wouldn't hang out with her the only thing I've been very clear about

the only thing I'm gonna lie about is my tit job when I get it done I'm gonna lie but you'll know I'm lying my tits will be huge it's gonna be very obvious I know

it's like when I lie about shit in the podcast all the time you know I'm lying but I'm not gonna tell you that JLo says she hasn't had Botox either I actually kind of almost believe her I'm not going to tell you that. JLo says she hasn't had Botox either. I actually kind of almost believe her. I kind of believe her

because, well, maybe she hasn't. No, right? She lives like a monk. Like she doesn't do, she has no voices whatsoever from what I can tell. I'd say she has never

touched as much as a glass of Sauvignon Blanc in her life. Yeah. That's why they're perfect together because he's sober now and she's like sober by choice. This is what I'm going to say. Megan Fox looks like she was built in a lab. She does.

She's so beautiful. It's okay to say. That you work. It's okay to say you work at it. It's okay. We all work at it. I could work at it 24-7

90 days a week I could do I could do 30 hours a day if such a thing existed and I would never look a fraction of how hot she looks it's okay to say you fucking train

I know it is okay to say you train but also they have that fellow what's his name Dr. Orion who like creates all their faces we need to get

we need to get in with him I'm gonna follow him listen by the time I hit 50, I'll need a new password photo. You won't fucking recognise me. Did I tell you Ewan's opening his own clinic? Oh, stunning. I'm going to see him.

He's going to be doing facelifts in the basement like Frankenstein. Oh my God. By the time... I told him I'd cut the ribbon. I was like, I'll cut the ribbon in that clinic, Ewan. He's like, will you? I said, yeah, I'll come down in a medical gown

with toilet paper wrapped around my head like a zombie vocal DJ she'll whip out the text you'll be there with your iPod Nano I actually looked up

worse surnames I don't know why were we talking about names earlier it was the taking it was JLo taking Ben Affleck's name and I was like,

there's certain names. If you were marrying him out. Okay, so these are actual surnames. Seaman. Actual surname. Hooker. Surname. Boner.

Surname. Crapper. And Wankum. Crapper. Wankum. Joanne Crapper Wankum. Welcome to the stage. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Joanne Crapper Wankham. Crapper and Wankham. Joanne Crapper Wankham. Welcome to the stage. Ladies and gentlemen,

it's Joanne Crapper Wankham. The worst one of them, I think, is definitely semen. I wouldn't mind being called hooker, vogue hooker, Grant.

Yeah, hooker's not bad actually. No, not bad. Semen. I used to do a joke, but it never really worked. Go on,

go on. About semen, I was like in this, you know, nowadays, I was like in this you know nowadays and I could see people if you don't mind but I mean the delivery was better but

thank you for listening to the podcast Joanne's off to serve herself up a drink but we will be back shortly with the bonus episode Thank you.