My Therapist Ghosted Me - Kettles, Tennis & The Bucket List

Episode Date: June 4, 2021

Have you made a bucket list yet? Give it some thought as you hear Vogue & Joanne's heavily contrasting thoughts on what they'd like to do before they die. There's more than that though. Why has Vogue got the kettle on? Which sport has Joanne signed up for? Find out now! Subscribe, enjoy and leave a review!If you'd like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.com

Welcome to My Therapist Ghosted Me with me Joanne McNally and back where she belongs it's Voguey McWilliams in Irlanda. Well I'm back I'm back this is the podcast that works on the basis of connecting by any means necessary every week to say things that well we wouldn't say anywhere else and we would we would. We would say them. I don't know. I got a bit of shit for that 24-year-old. On this week's pod,

we've got bucket lists. Cheap brides and Vogue's cattle sex. A lot of low-level trolling going on during the week. But you know what? Before, I used to,

I haven't really been trolling that badly. If someone questioned me about something, I would kind of engage with them. I've just stopped. Now you're just getting blocked. Block, block, block. Now you're gone. Block, bitch.

Block, bitch. Out of my life. I don't have time to be talking to dickheads. Oh, there's just such a high level of dickheads around. It's shocking. Oh, it's relentless. Very... That's the real virus.

It's just dickheads. There's a it's relentless very that's the real virus it's just dickheads it's a dickhead pandemic online at the moment I will tell you right I'm in Hoth obviously so I was going for I was going for a lovely run and as you run by people everyone says hello

hello yeah hiya thanks a million Joe was saying that as well because he's just back from his week on the canal and he said everyone

was saying hello to him on the canals back in Londonondon everyone's like get the fuck out of my way yeah it is um well we're going to talk about my week is a bit more interesting than the last time you had the interesting week last time me not so much i was in manchester i look back at this and i do look at my diary to see what i was up to i was in manchester right so i was in leeds first of all film and. Then I had to go to Manchester because I was staying the night there to do another job. And I got to the hotel and it was a lovely hotel, but like there was like three parts to it.

And I don't know if Corona's made me scared or something, but they put me in my room and it was ages away from the reception. And I walked in and I was like, and they'd upgraded me. And I thought, I can't stay here. I'm too scared. Then my sister was telling me I'm a diva

and that I couldn't ask to move room. I mean, there wasn't that many people in the hotel. I just could imagine someone coming to murder me. Well, Vogue, you're not wrong because I watch a lot of true crime, as we know, and there are many, many women murdered in their own hotel rooms. Really?

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Like, what'll happen is a man will kind of keep an eye on them and then when they go to kind of let themselves into the room, he'll push her in and murder her.

Oh, my God. And you're not a diva if you're literally asking to be downgraded because you need to be closer to reception because you're a needy bitch. That's not being a diva.

You're actually going, can I have a shitbox room, please? Like, can I sleep under the reception desk because I can't be alone with my own thoughts. That's what I wanted to do. But they dropped me off to shitbox room, please? Like, can I sleep under the reception desk? Because I can't be alone with my own thoughts. That's what I wanted to do. But they dropped me off to my new room,

which was a bit shite compared to the other room. And I went in. Ten minutes later, I heard the train. I was on the train tracks. And I couldn't ask to move again. I couldn't. I had to just, luckily I had earplugs, but I still got woken up at 6am with the train.

What would scare you more, ghosts or, as in like, what would be your biggest fear? Do you know what I mean? Like some people are scared of, like some people are terrified of being, if they're on their own in the house, they're terrified of someone breaking in and killing them.

Or some people are terrified of ghosts. My fears are spiritual, yeah. Mine are ghosts. Yours are ghosts. Well, I, it's like, if Svenny and I ever go to a hotel, like when we were at Soho Farmhouse

on the piglet I was like you've got to sleep closer to the door because if someone breaks in to try and kill us he'll die first

and I might have a chance yeah I think that's a really good idea see ya Svenno taking one for the team I used to be terrified of ghosts and I had a

china doll was that what they were called who it felt like it was watching me now I don't know i'd probably be more scared of getting attacked that i close all my windows they always come in the windows so i lock all my windows ideally i'd lock my bedroom door but there's no lock on it well i'm really bloody happy that you've just told me that about hotels because i'm never going to be able to stay in a hotel room again. A lot of murdering goes on in hotels.

A lot of killing. Where? In America. Just everywhere. Is it in America? It's in the Americas. I'm just saying you're not wrong

to be a little bit cautious. Yeah, your one thought I was mad though. And then I was delighted. I got myself chicken wings and chips and sat in the bed and I started watching Motherland

like you told me and I remembered like I felt like I was delighted. I got myself chicken wings and chips and sat in the bed. And I started watching Motherland, like you told me. And I remembered, like, I felt like I was transported back to 2000. I've gotten more Irish since I got home. 2018. Completely, wholly. And I sat there and I watched four episodes back to back because I had nothing else to do. I had chicken wings in bed.

No one was annoying me. I didn't have to put anyone to sleep. I didn't have to put anyone to sleep. I didn't have to bring things to anyone. It was great. I loved it. Yeah, but that's my entire existence. You're so lucky. I'd like to have a few days of that. A few days, yeah, but not all the time. There's only so many chicken wings you can eat in bed alone before

it starts getting really depressing. My bedsheets look like a kitchen countertop. There's food everywhere. It's disgusting. I have to change My bedsheets look like a kitchen countertop. There's food everywhere. It's disgusting. I have to change my bedsheets twice a week. Oh my God, I'd never do that. There's like rings of red wine, ketchup. You're disgust.

I used to, when I'd be really hungover, I used to get like, it's when I'd spend the whole day in bed hungover, I'd order a Domino's meal deal, a large one for myself, and I'd stay in bed all day nibbling and like snoozing away. And then the next day your bed would just stink of the garlic dip. What else have you done?

Well, we went to Soho Farmhouse together, which was great crack. And Spenny told Joanne that she was his best girlfriend, which I thought was nice. I thought that was really sweet until he then admitted that he didn't have any other female friends and didn't know any other women. He does though. The only reason I've slipped in is by default just by being in the house because I'm there with you. Listen, you're his best friend.

Take it. He's very rare to give a compliment. Yeah. What was that thing he kept saying that we were slagging him about? We actually emailed very much. We were trying to get to the bottom of... Because Spencer happily admits, he's like, I don't have a lot of friends. So him telling me I was his best female friend,

when you actually break it down, there's literally no competition for that role. There's no competition for that role. And it's only because I'm always sitting in his kitchen and he has to talk to me. But then we were trying to get into his background do you remember

we kind of did a deep dive and he was talking about when he lived in St. Barts for six years and I said did you ever leave the island of St. Barts he goes

only once to do a taekwondo competition in Antigua and I was like that is the most ridiculous that's up there we're getting a lobster stuffed and flown home

from St. Barts I was like that is an outrageous thing to say I remember at the dinner he's so like rich men are so like English rich men are so funny he's like and flown home from St. Barthes. I was like, that is an outrageous thing to say. I remember at the dinner, he's so, like, rich men are so, like, English rich men are so funny.

He's like, get a couple of lobos. Remember for Dick? Let's get a couple of lobbies. Lobsters, he's calling them. I know! And Beau's like, well, you're paying for this. Twelve lobos. Just lobo after lobo after lobo.

The three boys that were at the table with us, right? I'm not scabby at all. I'm frugal. They ordered three steaks and then they ordered three lobster mains. So they had two mains each and I was like, fuck that.

I'm not paying for their lobbies. Lobbos, whatever they call them. I'm not paying for a gaggle of lobos. I wish I could do the posh English accent because when I do it,

it just sounds like, um, uh, what's your man? Rosso Carl Kelly. It just sounds like I always do it it just sounds like what's your man Ross O'Carroll Kelly it just sounds like I always do it it's like Ross O'Carroll Kelly point two

I can't do the posh English accent yet I'll figure it out I can't even really do it and I live with it the funniest the funniest revelation from that weekend was

because Spencer kept saying he was going to ride the ride the stabilizers old folk I don't know what else I don't know how else to say it he's like I'll get the room set up darling and I was like what are was going to ride the stabilizers, old folk. I don't know what else. I don't know how else to say it. He's like, I'll get the room set up, darling.

And I was like, what are you going to do? Tie her to something? It sounded like he was putting in, like, a fucking guillotine or something in there. Like, she was going to, and he kept trying to get her back to the room. I was like, he's going to chain you to something. But then he was, was it he or you were telling me

that he tried to have sex with her and she put the kettle on? She was like, yeah, come on. And he goes, well, why are you boiling the kettle? And she's like, well, we'll be about two minutes and then the kettle will be ready when we're...

How insulting! Listen, literally now you're going to have a three minute ride. I was making a... She's making a cup of tea. I went in,

I started making my cup of tea and then he interrupted the cup of tea. If he finished before the kettle had stopped boiling, that's his own fault. It wasn't,

I wasn't trying to raise the kettle. It was just more ample time for Svenny. God, I hope my mom doesn't listen to this. I think it's a great, I think it's a great skill to know how long,

because then you can plant, like you can put something in the oven, you know, you can boil, you're like, I'm going to boil an egg the shag will be six minutes

the egg takes eight perfect at the start of a relationship it's like right I'm going to make a roast hang on a second I'll make a roast and by the time you're finished

at the start and now that we're into it we're married it's more like a kettle or like now an egg is even too long an egg takes five and a half minutes 100%

get in and out that's always been my mantra in and out pump and dump for Joanne pump and dump men think that we want it to last our ages sure we fucking

we don't we've things to be doing I can only fake groan for so long and then I have to get on with my day the main part of my week by the way

is that I'm home in Ireland fault your route fault your route fault your lot how are you finding it I love it so much I landed The main part of my week, by the way, is that I'm home in Ireland. Fáilte rát. Fáilte rát, fáilte rát. How are you finding it? Do you quitch? I love it so much. I landed and I saw more Aer Lingus planes and I started crying.

Everyone I saw, I was just so happy to see. I have to isolate, but that's grand. I wish it was longer, actually. I'm having a great time in my new house. Delighted with myself. Do you know the way, like, when you're Irish, not in Ireland, like in the UK, and you're like, whack for the way like when you're Irish not in Ireland like in the UK and

you're like whack for the door like you go real you go turbo Irish hey hey hey getting the spoons out

yeah playing the spoons only listen to the wolf tones like the wolf tones eating coddle and then you get back

to Ireland you're like oh my god hi how's it going you just go straight back into being a Southside melter. I'm not from the Southside. You are, you dirt.

I know, but you still have the same annoying accent, so. Nah, it's not as bad as yours. Do you not think? No, I don't think so. I think I've gone quite urban since I... Tuan. Vogue! Yeah, okay.

Vogue! Your name is quite triggering for me. Vogue! Vogue! Yeah, okay. Vogue! Your name is quite triggering for me. Vogue! Vogue! I know. When I say your name, I kind of hate myself. No, you're quite posh

and when you've had a drink, you get even posher. Yeah, I do, yeah. It's funny because Svenny thinks that you are not in the slightest bit posh. He thinks you and me are rough. I know, he's told me that before.

I reckon if I died, you and Spenny could get together. As fucking if. You'd be like shagging a pheasant. And for him, it would be like shagging a pheasant. Darling, darling. Yeah, exactly. Pheasant shags peasant.

Darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling. I'd be like deadly, deadly, deadly, deadly, deadly. No. It's like when deadly, deadly, deadly, deadly, deadly. No. It's like when they tried to set me up when we were down, when the lads were eating the lobos in a soho farmhouse. And they're always trying to set me up

with their mate Max, who's super posh and wears cravats just for like, just to be a lot, like no sense of occasion. He just wears cravats. That's true. That's true. He'll just rock he just wears cravats that's true that's true he'll just rock down

with a cravat he's always really overdressed and wears like the tightest clothes known to man I'm surprised his balls aren't like crushed in those trains as he waltzes about it

and they're trying to set me up they're trying to set me up with Max and I was like me and Max I look like his drunk lesbian aunt

like it's never going to happen. Like, I'm desperately attracted to hooligans, as we all know. Well, that's not true, because I tried to set you up with a hooligan, and you're not interested. A nice, friendly hooligan. What happened to him? He's still on the agenda.

Will you go out with him? Yeah. Swear I know you will. I swear I will, yeah. Okay, I'll set it up. Blind date. James and Brian are trying to set me up with their trainer, Jack, as well, you will. I swear I will, yeah. I will. Okay, I'll set it up. Blind date. James and Brian are trying to set me up

with their trainer, Jack, as well, who I said I'd go out with. Ah, Joanne, you've got to go out. He's actually, I find that really weird that you don't go out with him.

He's hot. No, it's just, I just don't. Think of the free personal training. Well, that did occur to me. Yeah. My week.

You could get the bum. Okay, go on. Not up the bum. The bum. Only in emergencies I whip out the a game if i feel they're falling out of love with me i'll just start backing into them slowly but surely they love it they love it they've got an adventurous spirit yeah i love anna oh i thought that i thought you'd come back yeah you're unpacking your shit now you dick

i may i got an extra month out of a relationship because I went heavy on the anal. No way. No. Not for me. No, it's not really for me either. I asked him, I used to do this in stand-up, but I said to him,

why do you love anal so much? And he's like, I think it's really intimate. And I was like, really? Because I'm staring at the wall. Like, I literally can't see a fucking thing. No eye contact. How is that intimate? Anyway.

So do you know what I did this week? What? I signed up for my first tennis lesson. Really? Yeah!

It's time to get sporty. And I need a sport. Because I'm a spinster, I need a sport that I can play on my own with the wall. I don't want to rely on anyone else. It's just me and a wall. I can just boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And I think it's...

Well, it's not really tennis. What do you mean? Well, tennis is kind of like a team sport. You definitely need another person to play. You can't just go and hit a ball against a wall. It's not tennis oh maybe I signed up for squash lessons

no I signed up for tennis lessons so your one's like what level are you at and I was like em kind of like golden retriever level

like like I can't hit anything but I could retrieve I can retrieve the ball but I can't hit the ball so we're meeting up meeting up next week

me and my tennis coach Samantha that is a nice thing to do I'm not playing tennis with you though Tudor you've had at least 20 lessons because I can't imagine

you're going to be great at it I'll play with Theodore hasn't he started yeah play with Theodore that'll be grand actually why don't you join his class Teddy Tennis you meet loads of nice fellas there.

Teddy Tennis. Teddy Tennis sounds like that's about my speed, to be honest. Teddy Tennis, suit you down to the ground. I'll get a discount. I'll say you're my extra child. You and Theodora, off you go. Great.

I just think I want, do you know what, I want to have a hobby that doesn't involve my work or getting my ass lifted. I just feel like it's time to branch out. And I like the little outfits. And I feel like, I like the idea

of like a tennis club where you get to wear like little sexy skirts and drink gin and tonics in the afternoon. I just feel like it's the sport for me. I think that it will

be a good sport. I think that you might pick it up quite well. And I love tennis, but I'm pretty good at it. I have absolutely no hand-eye coordination, so it's not like,

I don't really know how that's going to go. I'll have to have a racket in both hands, I'd say, to make it work. Also, when I was booking the class, they were like,

do you want one in real life or virtual? And I was like, an online virtual tennis class. What? That's really nice to know, actually, that you picked up tennis lessons. I like playing tennis. I'd love to get more into other sports.

But actually, when you start doing them, you'll think one's enough. Oh, one sport. Just one extra sport. We've got our gym. We'll do our sport. We like going for walks. I was very good at hockey, but I wasn't good at hockey. I was the goalie because I was heavy set.

And between that and the gear, there was literally no space between me and the girls. So it was just an impossible task to get the ball in. You'd want to have been Houdini to get it in. So I did very well at hockey as a child. The goalie. What if Amber's a goalie in hockey and she's always going on about like, she's like, God, I'm wrecked. And I'm like, what are you wrecked for? You've stood the goal.

Like you're not doing anything. That's not doing anything. You don't do anything. So she's exhausted after her hockey. My new obsession is Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox. So I'll tell you why this is an obsession of mine. Do you know the way, you're talking about Travis Barker and Kourtney Kardashian. I get it.

You're having great sex. But like, they're literally fingering each other and Kourtney Kardashian, I get it. You're having great sex. But, like, they're literally fingering each other on red carpets. It's too much. They're giving each other vials of their own blood. Like, you just give each other a house key. Like, why are you being so dramatic? I know.

And then they break up and it's like, oh, for fucks. Just shut up. I can't listen to that crap. I'm actually going to read you what she said, how she's describing their relationship. Do you know that they were fighting as well at some, they were fighting,

fighting at some awards ceremony. So like, if you can't even, I know, if you can't even pull back the fighting at an awards ceremony where everyone can see it, stop bullshitting us

with your great fucking relationship. But no, I think if I was, if I was to kind of do a deep dive on the data, I would say the better the sex, the more fucked up the relationship. What you need is average sex, average relationship. If you're with this person and you're like,

they look at you and you're like, like it's all high level. If you're giving each other vials of blood, the sex is clearly off the charts. The relationship is absolutely fucked. That's the truth.

Yeah, exactly. You don't want to be in a relationship where the sex lasts longer than a kettle boiling. And that's all I'm saying. Boom. Anyway, she says,

I knew right away he was what I call, I mean, Jesus, here we go. Vomit already. I knew right away he was what I call I mean Jesus here we go vomit already I knew right away he was what I call a twin flame instead of a cell mate

a twin flame is actually where a cell has ascended into a high enough level that it can be split into two different bodies at the same time so we're actually

two halves of the same cell I think now that's something you need to be sure about also can you imagine you and Spencer getting on the late late

and you coming out with that shit you'd be a laughing stock that's the garbage I think they are genuinely mad about each other but it also screams to me I want my ex to see me getting fingered on a red carpet

by a new person because she was mad about that fella Brian Austin Green well she's with Machine Gun Kelly now and I'd say I don't know would you be wanting to go through the airport

with a boyfriend called Machine Gun probably not I'd say it takes up't know. Would you be wanting to go through the airport with a boyfriend called Machine Gun? Probably not. I think it takes a bit of extra time, doesn't it? It's like me calling myself Machete McNally and then expecting to just slip through customs. So attention-seeking. Plus, I don't understand. Why would you call yourself Machine Gun Kelly?

He was someone who genuinely existed. He was like in the what you call it not the west end not city west shopping centre the wild west I don't know

there's something odd about him there's something odd about that whole thing she's an absolute ride though in fairness to her but it got me thinking about nicknames

what is your nicknames that you have I think I did say as well that I was called Machete McNally for a little bit because remember I used to try and talk to people with as well that I was called Machete McNally for a little bit because remember I used to try and talk to

people with a knife at house parties? No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Machete McNally. Machete McNally. That's why we weren't mates. We should have been saying that to people. She kept coming over to me with a knife. With a knife. And I'd use it as a pointer. Knifey McNally.

It was like a giant game of knifey spoonie but we were all locked so it was unsafe but I'd use a machete like not a machete a knife to kind of get people's attention at house parties

and then did I not tell you this and then one time I was at a house party in Shank Hill and everyone was just I was obviously

in a blackout and I came to and there was like a circle of people around me going drop the knife Joanne drop the knife

and then I dropped it and they grabbed it really fast I know it was really embarrassing really embarrassing so then from then on I only used wooden spoons

I like I like something I like something to kind of point you know what I mean I like a point I mean this was before I was on stage

then when I got on stage I didn't have to fucking do one woman shows at house parties much to everyone's relief everyone's like thank god she can do that for strangers so i did a shout out for funny nicknames and again thanks so much

to everyone i like i tried to reply to as many as i could jesus there's one thing that people do well and it's nicknames they're so funny one was my partner was called embryo by his peers at school one because he had an unusually large head he has evened out now thank god but they would make him

go down the laundry chute where all the boys put their dirty pants after a week around them he boarded so all sorts of weird shit went on and they would pretend

he was being born some of his old school friends still refer to him as embryo to this day oh god pretend he was being born here's another one it's not a nickname

but my it's not a nickname but my name is Philippa and the name of the blow up doll in Anne Summers is Philippa Hull did you know that oh no

it was a fun time when they discovered that in school. Had to put a ban on anyone buying it for a laugh at my brother's stag do. Hi, Joanne. My surname is McGee and my friends call me Mag for short.

They'd often say things like, Slay, Mag! If I was being stupid or silly, I don't know. But that itself then got shortened to Slag. So now my friends will be fully screaming after me in public saying, Slag!

And I respond like that is completely normal, forgetting the context. Clown tits. Got the nickname at school from a guy friend. Stuck. Woman in her 30s getting called Clown Tits. Two lads of my year at school were both called Ed. They were pretty chill about having the same name,

but collectively it was decided this was unacceptable. So a battle of the Eds was arranged after school one day. The guy who won remained to be called Ed. The guy who lost was from then on called Brian. Oh my God. You can't just take a child's name away from them.

We call Theodore Pig. I like Pig. I used to call boyfriends Pig. Pigs are cute. A fella in town his nickname was Black Box because he remembered

everything after a night out. Now that's brilliant. I was like I'm taking that for a stand up. That's fantastic. My friend is called Bag because in secondary school he tried to get everyone

to call him the dragon. Now you see, this is where you can't come up with your own nicknames. So lame. Anyway, obviously no one would get on board

and one guy instead started calling him Bag of Shite. Which stuck. Fast forward nearly 10 years and now everyone knows him as Bag. Bag of Shite. Which stuck. Fast forward nearly 10 years and now everyone knows him as Bag. Bag of shite. His leaving party

was themed Bags and Dragons which his girlfriend organised. Everyone dressed in different types of bags and dragons. Bag of shite. That's what you get. That's your punishment for trying to come up with your own nickname. I want to be called Dragon. You'll be called Bag of shite. That's what you'll be That's your punishment for trying to come up with your own nickname. I want to be called Dragon. You'll be called Bag of Shite.

That's what you'll be called. Get over yourself. Oh, this is funny. I'm with this guy for a while. He was absolutely gorgeous. I'm five foot two and he was over six foot. So I had to call him the waiter

because all I could deal with was his tip. I was looking at stage names Everyone thinks my name's a stage name I always read things And people are like Her real name is Sinead Yeah

It's not fucking Sinead Anyway Here's some stage names Well Marilyn Monroe Everyone knows that Yaquin Phoenix is called Yaquin Raphael Bottom Bottom?

Yeah Boom as in boom Bottom, bottom Yeah Ah well come on That's fair enough Whoopi Goldberg is called Karen Johnson Bottom. Bottom? Yeah. Boom, as in boom. Bottom, bottom. Yeah. Ah, well, come on. That's fair enough. Whoopi Goldberg is called Karen Johnson.

Why the fuck Whoopi? Whoopi reminds me of Forrest. Karen Johnson. I mean, it's a much better name. Like, Joanne McNally. I should have gone with Topaz Delight or Roxy Foxy.

Welcome to the stage. Roxy Foxy. Roxy Foxy. You could be a Roxy. Roxy Foxy, yeah. They'd be like, do we just put a stripper pole on the stage now or will Foxy. You could be a Roxy. Roxy Foxy, yeah. They'd be like, do we just put a stripper pal on the stage now

or will we wait? Another one. Miley Cyrus is called Destiny Hope Cyrus. Imagine having to de-stripper your own name.

Her parents are arseholes. Olivia Wilde is called Olivia Cockburn. Ah, come on. That's fair enough as well. I don't want to be called Cockburn. I know. I'd be desperate to get married if called Olivia Cockburn. Ah, come on, that's fair enough as well. I don't want to be called Cockburn. I know.

I'd be desperate to get married if I was Cockburn so I could change my name. Just change your name by Deepo. Oh, fuck, I did that. So my second name is Williams, as you know. I was born Williams and my stepdad's name is Wilson. So he kind of made me change. Well, he wanted me to change my name to Wilson.

And I did. And it was very difficult to change your name to Wilson and I did and it was very difficult to change your name by depot. Very annoying. So what are you now? What are you officially? Well, I should really be officially Matthews

but I have to change my name once. I'm not changing it again. Not doing it. I was christened Katrina. I'm more a Topaz Delight, I think, than a Katrina. Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome to the stage Mrs. Topaz Delight. That'd be a great name. What's a Topaz? Is that not a garage? It's a colour of a stone. That's like when I thought... It's a fucking garage as well.

That's when I remembered, I thought George Foreman was essentially, primarily a sandwich toaster. Didn't, had no idea he was a boxer who named all his kids after himself. Do you know that so Hulk Hogan

and George Foreman were both offered the George Foreman grill and Hulk Hogan took some shite blender or something and George Foreman

took the George Foreman grill imagine you'd be rated if you were Hulk Hogan how the fuck do you have that information and why are you taking you so long

in our friendship to tell me this I know but we don't talk about Hulk Hogan all the time. I don't miss London, not at all. Nothing. I miss nothing. Not even the Deliveroo. I love that she's interviewing herself. No one's even asked her anything.

Things are going really well for me, yeah. Next topic. Well, it kind of came from two places because we had that call about the bucket list but that wasn't where it came from Spenny and I were

watching this program with no a movie with Jack Nicholson and what's his name Morgan Freeman called what's it called Joanne the bucket list

the bucket list and I thought what would Joanne Joanne would have a very different bucket list to me I'd say and I was trying to think of what my bucket list the bucket list and I thought what would Joanne Joanne would have a very different bucket list to me I'd say and I was trying to think of what my bucket list would be and actually I don't have that many things I'd like to do before I die because I don't want to die yeah number one on the bucket list is don't die yeah let's start with that I just don't know if I will die it just doesn't seem like something I would do I've no follow-through I don't think I

will either but I did think to myself right if we ever die one of my things that I'm scared of I don't want to be buried because I feel like I'll be in the ground cold on my own then I don't want to get cremated too hot so we could buy a house down the country do you ever see those houses online in Ireland like you can get a house for quite cheap down the country we could set it up whoever dies first pop them in the quite cheap down the country. We could set it up. Whoever dies first, pop them in the sitting room down the house. And then when I die,

because you're going to die first. So when I die, then I'll go down and they put me in the sitting room beside you and neither of us ever get buried.

We just get to live in this house and rot away together. I think that's a really nice idea. You, me, and the stuffed lobster. Oh, that's definitely cool.

And the flamingo. It cost a fortune. Yeah. Didn't buy the flamingo too expensive. It got me thinking of a bucket list. Yeah, me and the stuffed lobster. Oh, that's definitely cool. And the flamingo. It cost a fortune. Yeah. Didn't buy the flamingo, too expensive. It got me thinking of a bucket list. Yeah, tell me your bucket list. What would Vogue like to do before she dies? Don't laugh at me.

I'd like to visit the Galapagos Islands. What are they? The Galapagos Islands. Are they the thing with all the turtles? They're the most incredible islands. You have to watch the whole David Attenborough thing he did in the Galapagos Islands. And I just think they look like the most untouched you have to watch the whole David Attenborough thing he did in the Galapagos Islands and I just think they look like

the most untouched reserved amazing looking island but then when I think about it like I don't really want to go snorkeling or anything

I don't like being surrounded by fish they're unpredictable and I don't like them I think you should just go to SeaWorld in Bray they've loads of turtles there go to SeaWorld

buy Irish etc what's next on the list? support Ireland support the Irish turtles They've loads of turtles there. Go to SeaWorld, buy Irish, etc. What's next on the list? Support Ireland. Support the Irish turtles. A trip around the world, but I don't want to go everywhere. There's only a few places. You don't want to do a trip around the world.

Well, I do, but I don't want to go to all crap places. Well, it depends when you're going to die, I guess. I want to go, well, you want to see the pyramids. I want to go and see the Great Wall of China. The Seven Wonders of the World would be quite nice.

I'd like to go see the Taj Mahal, but like it's very busy. Yeah, what else? Well, I kind of felt like, do you know what? There's not that much I really want.

I want to own a Sphinx cat. Spencer won't let me have one. I am with Spencer on that one. Those cats look like they're about to be put in the oven and I guarantee you'd grow so tired

of having no hair you'd have it stuffed with extensions within a week. I know. I'd love one. But you do have to wash them and give them a bath every week. They look like a scrotum.

They look like an actual ball sack with eyes. Like I am horrified by them. Okay, well I'm getting one. I thought that I would want to go swimming with dolphins but again, scared of fish. But I don't know if a dolphin would feel like a fish

or feel like a big human with silky skin. If Spencer not had a lot of hair, laser hair removal, we'd not just put him in the bath and get him to blow water out his ass. He's got dolphin skin. Just get him to blow a little water out his bumhole

disgusting I want to drive an F1 car yeah that's a great I'd love that yeah and I want to go on a date with Leonardo DiCaprio or Bradley Cooper

well I can tell you this much Vogue you are way too old for Leo actually no Leo would probably love to date you if you were dying

because it means he would never have to see you again and that you'd never age. That's true. Yeah, that's true. That's what he'd be into. Go, what are yours then?

Okay, here's my bucket list. And actually, I'm glad we're doing this today because I forgot to wear mascara so I actually look like I've three days to live because without mascara,

I... It's absolutely horrific. How did you forget to put mascara on then I just I just look without mascara without painting your lashes

you just look like you should be like you're on your you look like you're walking yourself to the crematorium you look like you're about you do

you look like you should be just strapped into a gurney and buried alive it's disgusting nah nah you don't here's what I would like from my bucket list

a free tit job a free Dyson Hoover a smeg fridge with sparkly water tap, free laser... The sparkly water tap is from Cooker. It's a different...

It's a different contraption. Free laser eye surgery, free Invisalign and 50% off all sandwiches in Pret-a-Manger. That's my bucket list. I thought I'd use it as an opportunity to collab.

So if I'm not, if I post a photo of me not wearing mascara and Sousa says my bucket list, I expect all these brands to want to work with me immediately. I can't believe Dyson haven't contacted you. That's embarrassing. Dyson, it's embarrassing.

I've done nothing but beg, like you're trying to make me beg for a hoover. Like don't do this to me. Dyson, how many times, how many times does she have to ask you? Jesus. Look at me. I'm dying.

I'll tell you what. I'm dying. I don't know how long I have left to live. That's true. That's not even a lie. I don't know how long I have left to live, Dyson.

Do you want that on your conscience? Huh? Huh? Is that what you want to be hoovering up my ashes? No. You want me to have it

in real life. Dyson, don't seem interested. Do you know what? Actually, I'll pay for the tit job because I don't have to do before and afters on my tits. And you don't want to get a freebie tit job.

You don't know what he'll stuff in there. Well, you wouldn't be like getting an Aldi tit job. I've stopped wearing bras. They call it like, what would they call it? A titty job

t-i-t-t-t-e-e-e job I'm like sure I'll go into Aldi and get a tit job in the central aisle no bother so that's what I'd like for my bucket list

and it's you can contact Yvonne at lisarichards.ie or rick at offthecurb.co.uk I actually feel like some of them are possibly

going to happen for you definitely free laser eye surgery that'd be great why can you not see do you need glasses you know I can't see anything that's why I couldn't go

clay pigeon shooting with Max in his cravat because I can't fucking see there's one way I've always wanted I think there's a business in and you're because you're away

at the moment you're lucky I don't do this I might do this is grab a load of your knickers and sell them online. Like that to me, every time I walk past your knicker drawer, all I hear is ching ching ching, ching ching ching, ching ching

ching. I'm like, why is no one selling this girl's knickers on the fucking internet? I'd wear them, you wouldn't even have to wear them yourself, no one would know the difference. Joanne, work away. You go, you've got a key. I gave you a key. I've got a key, yep.

Biggest mistake you ever made. You go rifle through the knickers drawer. I don't live there anymore. I'm not going home to London. You live there. It's crap compared to Dublin. I'm currently looking out

at the sea. Do you know that, I don't know was it that I found, was it in Orange is the New Black or that they, I think it was in Orange is the New Black. Prisoners wearing knickers around the place.

They wear the knickers and then they sell them. I think it was on that. Disgusting. So I tell you about the time my ex-boyfriend's dog ate the crotch out of my knickers. And then the next morning she ate the whole knicker. Honestly, it makes me feel fucking ill, Joanne. I know, because you're like... It must have been like a promagery.

Well, my crotch smells like pedigree chum. What the fuck? Imagine me trying to go to Crufts. I can't go for my own safety. I'd love to go to Crufts. I couldn't go. Whatever, whatever I'm whatever I'm producing

they love it. One time I woke up and she'd eaten the crotch and I was like oh God that's embarrassing and then the next morning or the One time I woke up and she'd eaten the crotch and I was like, oh God, that's embarrassing. And then the next morning or the next time I stayed over, the whole knicker disappeared

to this day. The whole knicker disappeared. I was the same with the dog, mum's dog. She'd be pulling knickers out her arse like fucking balloons. Those Penny's neon socks

she used to eat as well. My feet smell amazing as well. Oh my God, that is so disgusting. Oh, come on. We're all the same. You know the way a dog always goes between the legs. We're lucky Winnie's too small to do it.

It's very embarrassing. Winnie's too polite. He wouldn't. Winnie's never eaten my knickers, actually. My other dog, Rocco, used to have a field day. day a story that interested me this week two stories actually that kind of come together so carrie simmons barris's new oh yeah wife so she rented her wedding dress for 45 quid i love that i love it and then it got me thinking about weddings and the expense of them

and stuff and then I found this story saying which I just hope is true you just can't trust the mirror bride feeds wedding guests one chicken tender each at 7000 pound wedding

I mean this sounds like my wedding a bride to be has been slammed after expecting her future and mother-in-law to pay for her entire tendu and wedding before ordering just 200 chicken selects

for 200 guests. We all know weddings can be expensive. However, one bride-to-be came under fire for trying to scrimp and save when it comes to the dining aspect of her big day by feeding just one chicken tender each to her 200 guests. But I was like, why bloody not?

Weddings are outrageous. And also, I, as a single woman, I see weddings as pyramids. It's a pyramid scheme. I invest, gift, gift, gift, gift, gift, and one day I cash out on my own wedding. So I need to maximize that cash out by not spending any money on my own wedding.

Now, just don't have a wedding. don't have a wedding don't have a wedding i heard a story actually about people that we know they went to this wedding and they arrived they had to set the whole wedding up and everything the day before so they arrived and they had to set it all up for this person and it's like you know what if you're going to invite people to a wedding you've got to give them more than a goujon it's just unacceptable unacceptable. If I'm going to a wedding, I want to make sure that there's nice food there. There's nothing worse if you don't get that.

And I don't care so much if there's not a free bar. I bring my own vodka in my bag. I was thinking to keep my costs down for my wedding day if and when I do get married

because I literally want to get married for a tenner. The best way to get married, the cheapest way to get married is just not fucking going to marry. But if I do decide to take a husband for myself,

a fresh one, I would book a hotel on Friday the 13th because no one wants to get married on Friday the 13th. That's a good idea. And I'd tell them

it's a funeral. Yeah. Funerals are a great crack. Once you say it's a wedding, obviously, the price of everything goes up.

I'd do the entertainment myself. I get up and do an hour. An hour? Yeah. None of this flash mob shit. If I didn't want to do it myself, I'd have one of those kids off Grafton Street

that just plays the tin whistle and pay him off with a load of chicken goujons. Keep costs down. That'd be good. Yeah. The thing about it is, though, now,

people have multiple weddings. No one gets married once anymore. Like the only way to have a successful marriage is when one of you dies. So priests are like really slow hit men. Does that make sense? You make it sound so romantic. Well, that's the thing.

The only way you're like, oh wow, we had a successful marriage. Oh, did you? How'd you know? Because my wife's dead. That's how I know only way you're like oh wow we had a successful marriage oh did you how did you know because my wife's dead that's how I know if you get married right when you get married

I want to be the planner because you'll have gone to everyone's wedding you'll have gone to a couple of mine I owe you a few Bob I think that we should do a Mick and us

everyone should have to fly over we'll only invite like 20 people because let's be honest we don't need anyone more than that so we'll have 20 people

we'll go to a really fancy night because it's your wedding you don't have to pay yes that's a great idea also this is my this is my plan is

if I don't get married I'm going to register at my funeral and I'm going to get buried with all the toasters and fucking steak knives that I should have

gotten at my wedding I'll go down with that shit. And then when they find me in years to come as part of some archaeological dig, they'll think I'm either a queen or just a really bitter spinster.

They'll know. Or Tutankhamun. Tutankhamun. I'm surprised you didn't have the pyramids on your bucket list. You're mad about him. I want free Invisalign more. More than seeing Tutankhamun?

Yeah, sure. I could just Google that. Another question I wanted to ask you right because i saw i was obviously reading the daily mail as i do quite often probably too often and i was looking at the beckham kids right i don't even know why they're being photographed obviously because they're the beckham kids having the time of their life and they're only 18 and they're like they're out in these fancy pants restaurants. And I thought, what was I doing when I was 18? I couldn't even afford a crisp sandwich in the school cafeteria. And it got me thinking, I want to be a Beckham child. I know.

Is it Harper is the child, the girl child? They love her. Oh, my God. I'd love to be Harper. She's the favorite kid. I'd also be Cindy Crawford's daughter, Kia Kerber. What's her name? Yeah, I'd love to be her, to be Harper. She's the favourite kid. I'd also be Cindy Crawford's daughter, Kia Kerber, what's her name? Oh, yeah,

I'd love to be her, to be fair. I'd love, like, to be that hot, that young. That hot, that young and stay that hot. The power,

like the absolute power. Yeah, but I'd like to be a Beckham kid because they just seem to get loads of stuff off their parents. Their parents aren't scabby. And then,

I was looking into writing some people's, right, Bill Gates, I'm a big fan of Bill Gates. Absolutely love him. No interest in being his kid. He has disinherited his kids. So he gives away half his whole fortune to charity

and he's not going to give them a trust fund or anything. I think he's going to give them 10 million quid each. But still, if your dad's Bill Gates and he's worth billions and billions, I'd want at least half a billion. To be honest,

I'm absolutely horrified by that. My mum doesn't have a huge amount of money, but if she suddenly announced that she was giving it all to a charity, I'd push her down the stairs and then get her put in an asylum. I'd be like, she's lost her mind. That's acceptable. Acceptable. All I have be like she's lost her mind that's acceptable acceptable

all I have is my mum's that's my pension she's like you've no pension I'm like you're my pension so stop eating

cod liver oil tablets because you're slowing up the process honestly I'd push her down the stairs push her down the stairs be like

that's it she's lost her mind I can't stand those people who give all their money to a cat charity you're like what the fuck is a cat going to do with all that money? Have a Diamante

cat flap. It's just going to develop a drug problem. It's going to be in parks doing coke all night and creeping in its Diamante cat flap. Cats don't need money. Kids need money. Bill, you dick. Kids need money. Give it to your kids. Also, Andrew Lloyd Webber, but I didn't even know he had kids, but supposedly he's disinheriting

them. Gene Simmons, surprising. Didn't think he'd do it. Warren Buffett. And also, another weird parent, but I wouldn't mind if she was my parent, Kris Jenner. Supposedly, she was the one that leaked Kim's sex tape. That's what they say,

but I just don't know if that's true. I mean, I get that she's a pushy stage mom, but revenge porning your own daughter does seem pretty dark. Isn't it so annoying now that even if I tried to release a sex tape now it wouldn't take off

because of me too. I'm totally fucked. I can't see my way to the top anymore. It's so sad. It's so sad. I would hate if naked pictures

came out of me, but I don't think I have any, not even on my phone. I don't know what I'd need them for. This is so funny. I was talking to a friend of mine last night and she was saying

that friends of hers have like a catalogue, like a folder of nudes just ready to go. So if they're in the room, yeah, they just keep a folder of nudes ready to go. So someone's like, send nudes. They'll be like, oh yeah, hold on. They'll go into their folder and like take one that they took in the room

with the light was good when they were feeling sexy. That's what you're going to have to on, I'll go into their folder and take one that they took in the room with the light was good, where they were feeling sexy. That's what you're going to have to do, Joanne. Get your folder ready. You're going to be back out on the town and you'll have to be ready to send your dudes. Good lighting, good push-up bra, come down and borrow a few of my bits. We'll get you all set up.

I'm in a position now where I want to have a career as if I'm going to send news to some stranger on Tinder so he can wank over me. Like, as if I'm going to do that. No, come over to the house and wank over me in the real world. Like a gentleman.

In the real world. Wank on my face like a true gentleman, please. Not my photos. Disgusting. Chivalry, chivalry, chivalry. That's all for this week. Remember, if you'd like to send us an email,

you're more than welcome to. Just send it to hello at mtgmpod.com. And if you've gotten this far, why not like and subscribe? It'd be a dick move if you don't.