My Therapist Ghosted Me - "Less Thinking"

Episode Date: November 25, 2022

This week, Vogue is working on living a more "meat-free" lifestyle, with mixed (grill) results and Joanne has a new mission statement for My Therapist Ghosted Me. Plus a leafy sex-pest, some harsh assumptions and some even harsher comments to complete... If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] is going on tour in Ireland & The UK! Remember to check the venue websites as well as Ticketmaster! For more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThank you!

This is a Global Player original podcast. Hello, welcome to My Therapist Ghosted Me with me, Vogue Williams, and she, Joanne McNally. My mom got really offended the other day when I called her she she was like who's she I was like you you're standing right there

I'm talking about you obviously for some reason she always gets offended by that like she's who's she the cat's mother I don't even know what that means they should be lucky

we're talking to them to be honest our mothers at this stage should be lucky they're getting acknowledged do you know what I couldn't agree with you more move on into the granny flat the granny flat being the grave You're lucky they're getting acknowledged. Do you know what? I couldn't agree with you more.

Move on into the granny flat. The granny flat being the grave. It's time to go. Yeah, just come on there. Look what I dug for you outside. Go and have a look. Go have a look. Oh, she fell in. I've been doing some gardening, mother.

Go out and have a look in the hell. Jump in. It's really warm. See you later, Sandra. Someone came up to me actually at your gig and they were like, what's she going to do now? And I was like, what do you mean?

Well, she has a boyfriend, so she's not relatable anymore. I was like, oh. Who the fuck said that? A girl at your gig. So what I did was I threw her out. I got the security over. I said, Joanne wouldn't be into this.

Throw her out. She's starting. She's starting emotion. Rick, my UK agent. Rick what? Rick the geezer. He's like, you're not, you're not happy, mate, are you?

And I was like, oh, of course not. And he goes, oh, thank God. If you're happy, we're fucked. Yeah, I'd be happy. No one's ever happy. Ah, that's not true. I'm happy. I was happy earlier.

I found a real sense of happiness in the park with Otto and Gigi. Yeah, but that's because that's who you are as a person. Describe yourself in three words. Happy, go lucky. You're very driven, very focused. I don't think you, what do I think of you? I was unhappy yesterday. Yeah, but like why? There was probably a reason for it. What was the reason? Well, I'd had a very long filming day the day before. There was a lot of travel involved and I'd only gotten four hours sleep and I realised I then had to work later on that day so it made me a little bit unhappy but then I was happy again there's a

podcast that I was recommended to listen to called 10% happier which apparently is brilliant I'm actually quite happy at the moment to be honest I've go through I go through bouts of not being happy I'm not depressed or anything I just go through bouts of of too much thinking actually yeah I'm very happy at the moment. Sometimes I just think too much about things. It's unnecessary. Unnecessary thinking. I don't need antidepressants.

I just need a lobotomy to fucking remove some of the brain. Less thinking. There's too much thinking to be had at a lot of points in life. I agree with you. So that should be

our mission statement. Less thinking. Less thinking about things. Don't think about things. Switch the brain off. No more thinking. Switch it off. The only time i stop thinking is when i start drinking then i stop thinking exactly but the problem with drinking and not thinking is people drink so they don't have to think within the next day you think too much because you've been drinking

oh it's the worst year and i had to so we went drinking we went to joanne's gig and amber actually i've never seen anything like it's. I've never seen it happen before. She ordered six double vodkas for herself and her friend Megan. And the barman was like, how many people is that for? And she's like, oh, just me and my friend.

He was like, it's a bit much. He was like, I can't really give you six double vodkas. She got turned down six double vodkas. Like Amber's nearly a 40 year old woman trying to order drinks in the Palladium. This is, this is the Prosecco reputation has preceded itself.

The bar men are now kind of stepping in to try and advise women to drink responsibly. Like we're at the age, we should be, we should be in garden centres. Do you know what I mean? Imagine like, like we've lost our minds it's probably no harm they're policing things a little bit from time to time

well you know I had two double vodkas two double vodkas they're okay with per person three too many you'll have to go back

well the problem is the UK serving sizes are shite minute yeah yeah they are they are well they're yeah yeah they are they are

well they're not that much smaller they're 10 mil smaller but like they're children's they're children's size measurements they're children's size measurements they're like the kids menu in a bar they're for children

yeah well when I'm ordering Theodore a vodka he always wants a double he just he says he can't taste a single of course he does because he's an adult child do you know what I mean

do you want to tell me about your week so my week Vogue has been very slow very quiet I'd like to focus on your week if that's okay

oh we can focus on my week if you want what did I do well I well I've actually that's enough let's go into topics that's brilliant Vogue

so what was your first topic great bit of into topics. That's brilliant, Vogue. So what was your first topic? Great bit of chat. Great bit of chat out of Vogue. Let's go into topics. No, what I was going to say to you because I thought you'd be proud of me. So I was at an establishment where they had a fry,

a fry buffet as well. One of my favorite things because you don't have to wait for it. It's like, I'll have two pieces of black pudding. I'll have three salsas, eggs, two fried eggs, beans, and I never get a hash brown that's that's my order and I stood there and I thought you know what I am done being such a cannibal I'm done with this so I'm having two meat-free days a week I haven't had one yet but the week is only Wednesday today okay you're really running

out of time there I forgot I forgot now at lunch does chicken count like why are you what like how does how do you put away so much meat in a week what do you would you have meat you wouldn't have meat for breakfast would you I wouldn't usually have meat for breakfast unless I'm confronted with a buffet fry and I felt like that was yeah that was a that was an empowering moment of mine I thought no, I'm not having that pudding. And I didn't have the pudding. So I had chicken this afternoon and I'm probably going to have a burger for my dinner. So when's the meat-free life starting? The meat, I'm going to go meat-free tomorrow. I'm going to have a meat-free day tomorrow because I am filming a show at the

moment. So I have to go back to Ireland tomorrow. And I wouldn't say like they're getting me food from the nicest places. So sometimes when it's like that I'm like oh maybe I'll just have a vegetarian option yeah I am all about the meat free as you know now I am a I am a chickatarian a chickatarian and a fish is a fish is do you eat a fish is I'm fishist a fish she's a fascist as well I'm a strict no I'm a strict fishist very strict fish and a fascist as well I'm a strict no I'm a strict fishist very strict fishist and a chicken a chicken lover

a chickatarian but I won't eat red meat and I don't know why sometimes you only get something in your head about something and like the I do obviously have climate anxiety

like the rest of us and it is good for the environment to not eat meat but then also like if I'm realistic I look at Qatar having fucking air con in the stadiums

and I really don't think me skipping spaghetti on a Friday is going to make any difference wait they have air con in an open stadium

yes stop can you imagine can you imagine what that takes for that to happen and we're there like idiots washing out

our fucking here's me washing out a yop bottle by the way I can't believe you're eating a yop I didn't think anyone else in the whole entire world

would like yops. Big into yops at the moment. Huge. God, I adore, I adore a yop. Adore an Actimel. I have a palate of a six month child. As we know.

I never developed a palate. This is true. Or a sense of humour. Yeah. Now, more about my week. So, well, we were talking about your meat free week.

So that's my meat free option for you so that's I thought you'd be proud of me for that I am very proud of you actually yeah you should you know what you

should do Vogue for a little day out a collab you should do a collab with the slaughterhouse and see how you feel go on in watch them taser

the pigs to death see how you feel then stop please it makes me feel really bad actually wear the cannibalism thing the cannibal shut up you just

murder chickens and just eat them you eat chickens we've been we've been out with this a million times actually i because i usually say the chickens don't have a personality and then someone inevitably sends me a video of them with their pet chicken and i feel i feel vicious guilt oh god i saw a group of cows i was in the country in in dublin and not in dublin where was i awfully and i saw this group of cows just chilling was in the country in Dublin. Not in Dublin. Where was I? Offaly. And I saw this group of cows just chilling, relaxing. I was like, that's awful.

Like, there's a strong chance I'll eat you at some point. I know, it's terrible. They are saying that meat is on the way out. This is the ongoing debate with the farmers and all the farmers

are kicking up a fuss because obviously it's their livelihood. But that eventually I don't think we will get meat free. No, we won't. No way. Not in my lifetime lifetime not an absolute hope

imagine living a life and never having a spare rib again no way Nostradamus over there predicting the future I fucking tell you now meat is on the way out you right

the amount of people I've spotted eating avocados since your little rant the other week you're wrong I'm right I'm at home clicking on the data

on a computer I'm not anecdotally looking at who's eating in the wrong. I'm right. I'm at home clicking on the data on a computer. I'm not anecdotally looking at who's eating in the Ivy Asia. I'm looking at actual information here. I'm out here with real people seeing real things. You're just looking at crappy bread on vice.com.

Okay? I don't like that word. We don't like pussy. No, we don't. The pussy brigade. We don't like that word we don't like pussy no we don't the pussy brigade we don't like pussy pussy cat don't even like the word pussy cat

it's a cat it's a cat okay let's focus let's focus so Jo as you know it was my gorgeous gorgeous Otto's christening this week and lovely joanne was godmother yeah yeah she was godmother to otto as you know very important role to play in the

church anyway so we're all ready to go joanne was busy before so she wanted to meet us at the church grant that's grant yeah lots of people meeting at the church other godparents too and uh and so anyway we made the trek across the bridge it was like honestly it was an 11 minute walk we all walked over together somehow my mother gina and megan the other godmother and otto went missing they went to three churches three churches and then ended up on the king's road they had to then get a taxi back so it started at 20 past one right you had to be at the church at 20 past one otto's not there otto's not there till 25 to 2 late for his own christian can you believe it i wouldn't say the priest was full of smiles so i was like literally having a meltdown like where's otto where's otto where's otto literally having a meltdown. Like, where's Otto?

Where's Otto? Where's Otto? Then Otto arrived and then I thought, where's Joanne? Where's Joanne? Where's Joanne? Anyway, I was too flustered.

The priest was annoyed that we were a little bit late. So we went straight in and I was like, we've got to start the service. Joanne will show up now. She'll show up now. She knew it was at 20 past one.

I was only just texting her. Well, my child, he was let down. He was let down. and i actually don't even know why i don't know why this little witch right i walked outside the church after the service and who's standing there but joanne she wasn't in the church she missed the whole i was i was out looking for that last child. That's where I was.

No one told me he turned up. I was out looking for that child. For an hour and a half. I'll tell you what happened. The day was a bit of a shambles. I was in the playroom the night before. There was a lot to do that day. You know busy day.

I had to get up at the crack of dawn. That Sunday. Pack. Because of course. That's all I fucking do. I had a Botox appointment in the morning very important

very important obviously to maintain my career in show business so I can buy auto presents the only reason I'm working I did love what you got him

for the christening oh wait actually you didn't get it oh god excuse me Jo you just

Jo you lose the tone okay wait until you hear what happened i didn't get my botox at you and chat chat chat fine that's fine went next door it shocks me for the amount that i travel it shocks me at how bad i am at packing i'm sitting next door i'm sitting there i had a glass of wine i'm not gonna lie i had a glass of wine I'm not gonna lie I'm not gonna pretend I didn't okay it was brunch time I had a glass now let's remember how much time has passed she she left you and very early in the morning left him left yeah so I had a glass when I was there for 40 minutes I'd say that the christening started in five I was around the corner I'd positioned myself very well for my glass got up realised I went to pay I had no passport

opened my thing to find my passport I had no pyjamas no jacket no nothing I had to run back and also I will say

I will say and Vogue I'm not saying it's your fault but Vogue is always light on detail Jo Vogue is very

light on detail like I was like give me the deeds for the christening tomorrow. She goes, come to mine for a quarter to one. I was like, well, no, I need more. Like where's the church? What time?

Are my tour managers collecting me? I have to go straight to say that. She's very light on detail. Of course, Vogue never mentioned that in the christening, I forgot that you have to waterboard the baby if you're one of the godparents. Sorry?

I forgot. Look at this. What day did I send you this? There is the address of the church. Church 120. Lunch straight after. Yeah. Because I asked you this there is the the address of the church church 120 lunch straight after yeah because I

and I asked you for the deets anyway I forgot that there was I forgot that I was a hand anyway look I missed the christening I got a new book back to mind grabbed all the stuff that I needed got a new book back to the church

and of course this text doesn't provoke she's so scary she's like a mother she's like what happened and I was like she's out oh no she's out I was like I'm in a taxi we're around the corner and she's like a mother she's like what happened and I was like she's out oh no she's out

I was like I'm gonna talk to you around the corner and she's like it's over now and I was like she showed up

she literally showed up and she just goes I just looked at her and she goes I was like sorry with the big with the big with the big

really suitcase any normal person right would have gotten their passport after the christening she then waltzes down to lunch and enjoys a nice easy breezy two hour sit down at the table she couldn't she couldn't have gotten the passport then no but i was thinking right maybe churches

aren't for everyone and that's fair because we were standing up there and like one of the questions the priest asked like was does every all the godparents believe in god and I'm like like I know a lot of them don't and I was thinking well now you've just lied

a lot of them that's how many there are how many believe how many don't what is it 60 30 what is that do you know what do you know what I'm happy

68 do 48 godparents of Otto don't believe in god do you know why I am happy imagine I did not have a backup like Megan

and there would be no godmothers there. You need to send Megan a thank you card and say thank you, Megan, for filling in. This is what I'm saying. This is what I was going to, yeah, I'm sure Megan would be delighted if I called her the filler. What I was going to say was,

I was thinking about this and I was like, you know what? Maybe I'm not a stage one godparent. Stage one is when you're there for the baby, you waterboard them at the funeral, or not the funeral, the christening. I was like, I'm a stage three

godmother. Okay, well that remains to be seen. That sounds sinister. I know. It sounds like under, it sounds kind of sick. I'm stage three. I'm when he's 18. That's when I kick in. That's when I become useful. At 16, come on, 16. And that little smile. I'll keep trying for a sick. I'm stage three. I'm when he's 18. That's when I kick in. That's when I become useful. A 16. Come on, 16.

And that little smile. I'll keep trying for a second. I'll buy him a Lamborghini for his 21st birthday. What will Megan do? Ha! She's stage one. She's gone. I'm stage three. I would just like to say, Otto, when we got to the church, he started crying and I said, Otto, what's wrong Otto? And he goes, Joanne doesn't

love me. Joanne doesn't love me. And I was like, oh, Otto, she does love you really. And he's and he goes Joanne doesn't love me Joanne doesn't love me and I was like oh Otto she does love you really and he's like no she doesn't love me she couldn't even show up for my christening

I got a photo with him outside the church and straight in for the pictures well actually no because the the absolute state of me Jo you'd want to see

because I just had profilo and Botox done so I can't put any makeup on can't wear makeup on my eyes because of my laser eye surgery

I looked awful but I did manage to get like a side on photo where I didn't look like I was dying because I did actually look like I was dying the amount of people

who message me because you know all he does is smile it's like he's addicted to smiling it's like he can't it's like he can't not smile it's like his face is stuck

you know they say don't pull a face if the wind changes it's like you can't it's like he can't not smile it's like his face is stuck you know they say don't pull a face if the wind changes it's like he smiled the wind changed and his face is stuck and he smiled he's always smiling

oh wow I've never seen Otto not smiling before it's like yes yes yes yes it is the one when Otto wasn't smiling I told you

he was very upset he was very upset and he told me so and he would have said it to you himself but he was he was he was embarrassed and he didn't want. And he would have said it to you himself, but he was, he was,

he was embarrassed and he didn't want to talk to you. And that's the only reason he didn't say it himself. People are like, are you annoyed at Joanne? I was like, well, no, like,

like I know her. It's Joanne. What's the point? It's not like I was out having a good time. I was up the walls. Do you know what I mean? I was having a mild panic attack

in the back of an Uber. Look, it's just, there's a, there's a logistical side of my brain that just sometimes it just doesn't kick in and I've a lot of logistics to do at the moment sometimes anyway look he knows and like I say his confirmation I'll be I'll be I'll give him away myself I don't know I don't know if we're doing that jazz I don't know if I'll be going communion confirmation jazz it's I don't know I don't know because I feel like I don't know what he will believe in.

He will definitely be spiritual because I am spiritual. But I don't know if he'll do the confirmation. Well, it doesn't. Do you know what? Actually, I might take the money. I'll take the purse. If I was God

and I was listening to this podcast, which I'm sure they are. And I was listening to Vogue Williams believe in the ghost of a St. Bernard, but not believe in God. I'd be quite pissed off if I'm honest. You can't really say,

like, you know, excuse me, I said a prayer to God the other day. Thank you very much. I'll tell you one person that I've fallen out with. Saint Anthony, right? He didn't find my ring

and that's it. I'm done. What ring? A really nice ring that I just, I gifted myself. Bought myself and I'd waited ages to buy it for myself and I lost it. I'm done. What ring? A really nice ring that I just I gifted myself. Bought myself and I'd waited ages

to buy it for myself and I lost it. I know. I'm absolutely sickened. I keep thinking it's going to just show up somewhere

but Anthony is obviously off on his holidays. Where did you was it like a nice was it like a diamondy It was a nice ring. It was a fancy ring. I know I haven't even told

because I bought it from a jeweler in Cork as well know I haven't even told because I bought it from a jeweler in Cork as well and I haven't even had the heart to tell him because he really went out of his way to get it for me on time

and stuff like that and he was like and he asked me about five or six times are you sure this isn't too big and I was like no no

no it's not too big well it was too big because it fell off my finger why don't we do a call out for the ring people do call outs for rings all the time we'll pretend we won't say it's for you and people do call outs for rings all the time we'll pretend

we won't say it's for you we'll say it's for something sad like we'll say your father gave it to you before he died or something otherwise people won't give a shit but we'll give it a sad backstory

yeah yeah let's do it okay and then we might find say your granny's say one of your granny's teeth is in it or something she put her tooth in it before she died

and then she gave it to her your father gave it to you before he died otherwise people aren't going to just want to help you get reconnected with your ring unless there's a sad story. What do you reckon, Jo?

Can we do it? The country can pull together. Yeah, we can put it out there. Nothing worse than losing something. I lost my, I'll never forget it. Do you remember the time I lost my dad's wedding ring?

After he died. Oh no. Gone, gone, forever gone. No, so basically what happened was em what was I 16 15 16

you see you shouldn't have been given it at that age I don't think well I kind of want my mum like he died my mum's like

what would you like I mean as if she's matured since 16 anyway you should never have gotten a full stop and I had his wedding ring

and I went drinking in a field as you do at 16 and em I think we'd only just buried him and woke up the next day and had his wedding ring and I went drinking in a field as you do at 16 and I think we'd only just buried him and woke up the next day

and the ring was gone and I was going out with the lad at the time it was in a field I remember of course I'd lied to my mother about where I was

she thought I was just in my friend's house so when I rang her the next day devastated I'd lost the ring she was like well it has to just be

in the house somewhere you've only just been in the house I know how did you find it? this guy devastated I'd lost the ring she was like well it has to just be in the house somewhere that's all you've only just been in the house oh I know how did you find it? this guy I was going out with at the time

one of my teenage boyfriends went up to the backfield and found it in the mud oh my god that is so lucky look I have half my dad's wedding ring my sister has the other half

St Anthony he's working he's working full time for me I'm afraid he doesn't have time for you okay the other half St Anthony he's working he's working full time for me I'm afraid he doesn't have time for you okay we've woken Otto and do you know why

because he's after hearing us talk about the christening again he's very upset very upset Tom Pax you asked did this tweet saying you're in their DMs we're in them

we are not the same which is I suppose taking the piss out of you know those things that were going around about lads where it's like you're in his DMs

I'm doing his dirty laundry we're not the same blah blah blah and so everyone's kicking off saying that it's horrific the Tampax are like sexualizing themselves and now women are like am I being like fucking raped for my own tampons but I so my feeling on it is firstly Twitter's falling apart and people are trying to it's like it's crumbling so people are just kind of throwing throwing kind of hand grenades at it now and Tampax US

actually said we had to get this out before Twitter crumbled to the ground I think Twitter is going to crumble to the ground as well oh totally

it's like it's like brands are looting Twitter now it's like do you know Paddy's Day when Paddy's Day gets out of control and people start

looting the shops just to get overexcited and start looting that's what's happening with Twitter now they're like vultures circling this dying animal they're just like

throwing everything they have at it but I just I actually I thought it was funny I was like I don't know if that makes me sick but I was like

I think it's kind of funny that suddenly women have to this idea that women have to are we consenting to putting tampons inside ourselves do you know the Catholic Church

years ago didn't want they wanted to make tampons against the Catholic Church because they thought that women were getting too much enjoyment out of them. And then they're like, OK, look. Yeah. Yeah.

And then they're like, OK, look, you can use them once you kind of control yourselves, basically. Like, don't get too much pleasure out of putting them in. Oh, my God. Like, well, she's actually got an obsession with tampons at the moment because Amber had this little bag of panty liners and tampons. And to say it like I cannot get it out of that girl's hands. She keeps in her little handbag that she goes around with since and parts. She's had these tampons just sitting there. I didn't get the Tampax joke.

I know that's absolutely terrible. That's so like, I just didn't get it. It's one of those things you mightn't get it unless you'd seen that meme going around for a it was going around it just if you hadn't seen it

you hadn't seen it it brings up loads of philosophical people are saying to boycott Tampax now and I'm like oh god I couldn't be arsed with another boycott but um

it's like it brings up all these philosophical questions should dicks have strings should dicks have applicators are tampons little penises all things we should all things we should think about maybe penises should have little strings we can pull them out we want oh god sorry anyway twitter has basically turned into a complete asylum where people are just screaming shit at each other now it's it's it's never been a more

interesting place to be i've i've i'm using twitter for the first time in my life no you used to be quite good at Twitter. Is that since your man Elon Musk took over? I just find Twitter so nasty. I'm actually going to... Here's the perfect thing, right? Like this is the first tweet that I've read

that has been sent to me. It's about our show in Cork about phenomenal demand and other being added. And someone goes, the thought of sitting through that absolute crap. And it's like, why and co-work about Phenomenal Demand and other being added and someone goes the thought of sitting through that absolute crap and it's like why did you feel the need that you had to respond to that I just don't it's

just it's so nasty that's all it is and also also he should take pity for the two of us we have to sit through it night after night after night we just want him to do that fucking piece of crap he doesn't know how lucky he has it he doesn't know how to go it is certainly not a piece of crap thank you very much

I'm very proud of that show you know what I will say I was looking at a I was looking at a because obviously I'm not good at TikTok Joanne and I are starting a TikTok by the way we're starting next week we're starting a TikTok

we're going to do a TikTok but I have my own TikTok don't really know how it works okay and I'd never really seen any of the comments TikTok is so fucking mean as well it was under this like the abuse that we're getting right under

this thing about Colin Farrell like we're being called like little fucking dirtbags because obviously I was absolutely thrilled you were getting it in the neck too. I mean, we are talking about riding Colin Farrell simultaneously. Here it is. Wait, watch this.

If Joanne's too busy, I'm also available, Colin. Hang on. Imagine two men saying this about a woman. That's an awfully vulgar way to speak about another person. Probably made him very uncomfortable. Yeah, I'm sure Colin Farrell saw us talking about him

imagine two men objectifying a woman like this on their podcast like we're allowed to objectify them it's called feminism you clearly don't understand

how the world works anything for shock factor their accents so I thought to myself right I will not fuck off I can't listen to the accent thing anymore not oh fuck off I will not be reading I can't listen to the accent thing anymore

I don't care I've had enough I don't care I won't listen to it anymore it's not our fault it's Joanne's fault in fairness she's from a really posh part of Dublin so that's why she sounds

the way she does I'm trying to pull it back don't worry guys I'm still working on it okay soul to the earth over there you sound just like a Dublin seagull you're just soul to the earth over there you sound just like a Dublin seagull you're just soul to the earth

anyway the Tampax thing just to finish it up my feelings on it were there's a lot of pressure on brands to be funny you don't need to be funny Tampax US I mean probably doesn't need

to have a Twitter account realistically we're all buying your tampons anyway. We enjoy the applicator. It's not like I'm going to have a heavier period because you're funny on Twitter. I don't care. I need you anyway.

It's Grant. Yeah. Don't worry. No marketing needed. Would you do a tampon ad? Like, yeah. I talk about periods all the time. I'm not embarrassed.

I'm not embarrassed in my flow. In saying that, I wasn't completely delighted with all the click-'m not embarrassed I'm not embarrassed in my flow in saying that I wasn't completely delighted with all the click-baity articles about me getting my period on stage in the SSC but anyway what can you do

anyway Twitter's like do you know what it's like this way I delegate I hope you get loads of nasty articles about the christening you dirty little bitch

do you know what I read some articles today some google alerts and it's like folks famous friend goes to christening I'm like

did she? I don't think so how the tables have turned how the tables have turned remember at the start Vogue Williams tells her comedian friend

on Vogue's own podcast no originally I thought it was my podcast and you were just my reoccurring guest every week and they never used

my name oh funny yeah they can't get anyway this is Twitter to me is like do you know when you remember that game that you used to play

and you'd have this kind of instrument and it was like operation but you had to kind of oh yes yes guide the instrument around the metal

yeah grate and it would if you touched that's what twitter is like you're constantly playing this dance of not getting just getting the shit

kicked out of you digitally which I just couldn't be arsed dealing with I'll tweet animals or I'll tweet tour information that's all I tweet

and if someone wants to take my blue tick and tweet on my behalf grant no I wouldn't I actually I might close my twitter account I actually don't get and if someone wants to take my blue tick and tweet on my behalf grand no I wouldn't I actually I might close my Twitter account

I actually don't get anything from it except abuse like it's just like do you know what I don't need that I don't need you saying that shit to me people are welcome to their opinion but like

unless you have a profile picture fuck off no fuck off let's go over to Parler where's Trump that sounds like grey crack where's he where's he what's he like where's Trump that sounds like grey crack where's he what's he like

what's he set up with Elwyn truth truth or truth twitter or something truth social imagine having to

listen to that so guys if truth social needs us that's where we go truth social Joanne sent me she sends me funny articles all the time

but she sent me an article this week and it was just a news headline and it said a bloke has been arrested because he had sex with a pile of leaves

in public well he tried to I don't think he actually finished but yes he attempted to I was only admiring the leaves earlier today to be honest with you

a drunk man filmed thrusting at a pile of leaves with his braces around his ankles has been jailed for eight weeks I know seems quite harsh Michael Gould Sorky 26

abandoned the missionary position and scuttled away I love that term scuttled nothing suggests personal shame more than scuttling away from a situation

scuttled away imagine being his mom imagine being his mom like I imagine being his mom. Like, what were you doing? You were having sex in a pile of leaves. It's nearly worse than bestiality. Scuttled away

into nearby bushes after premier and staff shouted at him to clear off. He remained hidden for 10 minutes before sheepishly emerging when police arrived

at the hotel. He told officers he was morto by the lewd act. Was he joking? He took place outside a beef eater pub where families were eating.

He said he consumed a cocktail of booze, cannabis and cocaine and that he doesn't remember anything. There's literally not enough booze in the world

that would make me try and ride a pile of leaves. Well, Vogue, in saying that, we have not seen the leaves outside the Premier Inn

in Manchester so we don't know we haven't been in this man's position they could be very sexy that's true if I'm honest when I was going through Battersea Park the other day

I thought they are some sexy fucking leaves that's it that's what I thought you know as a result of embarrassment he has no desire

to return to the Premier Inn I say thank God like the fuck it would take a lot less than that but he's in prison for eight weeks imagine the

inmates being like oh what are you in for you'd be like well I was riding a pile of leaves the absolute shame of that so shameful

that sounds like a very heavy punishment but the truth is if you're that way inclined who knows what you'll do next do you know what I mean

his sexual preference is obviously nature yeah but like what did he think was in the like it's just it's all a bit dark

and strange to be honest I have to say as disgusting and weird as it is I'd love my boyfriend's ex as a pile of leaves I'd be like

I could compete with that oh I'm definitely better looking than her here she is here's my ex all over the street in Manchester Grant

she's some bitch do you want to hear other things people got arrested for sure a Florida man was arrested for throwing an alligator

through a drive-thru window that's a bit much imagine getting an alligator thrown at you. Very Florida. I did feel like it was quite Florida. A 34 year old woman was arrested for crashing her car

after putting her dog behind the steering wheel while unattended. Well it wasn't unattended. The dog was there and he can't drive. That's a lesson that we've learned. That's fine. Yeah and that's the dog's fault. How is that her fault though? Exactly. The dog is I would think that her fault though exactly the dog is I would think

that's very impressive the dog is demonstrating some independence this dog should if he was driving around a little greenery and crufts he would have gotten

a fucking bell or whatever so you know it just was unfortunate it was on a road a mom was arrested for eating underwear in New York Macy's store

wow yeah I could see how that would happen. Again, that's leaf behavior. It's one thing being a bit of a perv, but like if you're willing to do it publicly, you're now becoming a danger to society and I would arrest,

I would arrest him as well. Yeah, I feel like they're kind of like, it's like they're going to turn into the guy who wants to wear people's skin in Silence of the Lambs. Indeed. When he's there, Goodbye horses. When you're riding a shrub wear people's skin in um in Silence of the Lambs indeed when he said goodbye horses

woman you're riding a shrub next to me you're trying to skin a woman moisturize what does he say what does he say what's happening put the moisturizer on

remember your man and very into his skincare yes very into his skincare yes oh god so dark so dark and he's dancing around

goodbye horse what a tune that's a great movie anyone who hasn't seen it go and watch it you know he does the mangina as well he does the mangina in it Goodbye horse. What a tune. That's a great movie. Anyone who hasn't seen it, go and watch it. You know, he does the man join as well.

He does a man join it and he's sorry. Yeah. First man join I ever saw. Yeah, me too, actually. Or was it? No, it was. An attorney was arrested for farting on a police officer's head

during a routine roadside pat down. How did he get the fart on his head? How are we still calling that routine? It doesn't sound routine at all. It sounds anything but. An arrest was made to a 999 caller who called seven times to tell him his pizza was late.

Well, who were you supposed to go to? I had a very terrible experience with Deliveroo recently. Turned up outside the venue. Didn't even bother coming in to just spend straight off. He didn't collect it. I was like, I was on stage. I asked you to do it.

I made very clear instructions on the app to drop it into the... Anyway, if I had an alligator, I would have thrown it in the window of whatever the Chinese was in Ipswich that I was trying to get the food off. It was a nightmare Vogue last week

we did me complete the comments I think it's on the Daily Mail is it? Yeah Okay so comments under stories of you on the Daily Mail

Oh god I will block out two words you have to guess what they are I'm going to have to think of the worst words I know how does Vogue look blank and blank

at the same time how does Vogue look stupid and ugly at the same time Vogue! they're so mean on there that's what I'm assuming yeah you're absolutely right Vogue that is exactly it

ding ding ding ding ding 10 points assuming. Yeah, you're absolutely right, Vogue. That is exactly it. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Ten points. Am I actually right? No, no. How does Vogue look 24 and 42 at the same time? Oh, no, no. What does that mean? Why? Well, part of me looks 42 and I'll work on it.

Let's not overthink it. Remember, we don't like to think, Vogue. That's the key. Ah, Joanne, when it comes to age, come on. Which part of me looks 42 and I'll work on it. Let's not overthink it. Remember, we don't like to think, folks. That's the key. Ah, Joanne, when it comes to age, come on. Which part of me looks 42 and I'll sort it out? I would have said your feet. No, my hands. It's my hands.

We'll move on to number two. The height of her. She doesn't want to be selling tanning products. She wants to be blank. I't know a tree surgeon in girl the height where she doesn't want to be selling tanner products she wants to be in girl move over peter schmeichel yeah look at the size of my hands as well it's so funny the amount when i meet people the amount of them who comment on the fact that I'm tall

because they I think because I look small besides you I think they think I'm quite short yeah you don't look like you're tall

some people look huge like I I don't think I feel like I look huge but like you don't look tall and you're taller than you would seem. We'll go

on to the next one. Vogue Williams might be going into the I'm a Celebrity jungle. What are the challenges should have to be blank? I don't know, dying or something. Look what the world has done to us. What are the challenges should be having to

listen to her go on and on and on excuse me I personally don't find myself that annoying but then like I'm always with myself so I've grown accustomed to myself well I think you should know that every time you shut down the laptop

Jo does give me a tiny prize every week after the podcast do you know what I love the most that people think that we sound alive so ha ha sound alive of course they do

not a fan of Vogue in any shape or form but she does have the most gorgeous something fair play Hunzo kids yes

ah stop now that makes me happy thanks for the slight dig before that's a real Irish compliment it's not even a slight dig it's a full blown dig not really on the

now on the Daily Mail that's a nudge that's not a bad one on the Daily Mail that's only a little nudge that's actually that's flirtatious

on the Daily Mail that's a full blown compliment I'm actually thrilled with that to be honest. That Vogue Williams one is always yabbering on about Ireland. She talks about health more than someone talks about something. I actually wrote this myself and I want you to take heed. More than Joanne talks about booze.

No, more than Brian Cox talks about space. I'm the ambassador for Hoth okay but you're not though okay also we are on set we are on tour okay Joanne I this is one of my favorite things to do by the way because people have a lot of well they have a lot of assumptions about you anyway because loads of people said stuff to me at your gig um and so i found some assumptions that people have about us

right i oh well this is an interesting one i reckon joanne is late to absolutely everything no actually she's not just otto's christening and i had told people this brings me back as well when you weren't at the church at 20 past one i was like oh no she'll be here she's never late for anything she's never late for anything she's late for the poor he's crying again he's crying again well I know we like to say your children are advanced but he's not advanced enough that he'll notice it was a packing emergency

and also there is an assumption that I'm late for everything Vogue you know I'm actually very punctual I can't stand lateness that's why

Prada Peter drives me fucking mental I'll be like I need to be here at this time he'll be like I'll give you here at this time he'll be like I'll give you a lift that's fine and I'm like

okay come on let's get into the car and he's brushing his teeth it's like a 20 minute ordeal flossing electric toothbrush regular toothbrush

different types of toothpaste so once I hear the toothbrush start it's like torture I'm like oh my god I'm like thrown out of furniture and all I'm like I'm god I'm like throwing out my furniture and all

I'm like I'm here for another two days she was sitting in the car and she was like I'm waiting for Prada Peter so she did that thing you know when you were younger and you used to do it

you were like I'll sit in the car I'll make them hurry up so she just sits in the car hoping he'll hurry up the rumble of the toothbrush upstairs you're only meant to do two minutes. On time for him is 10 minutes late.

Whereas on time for me is like on time or five minutes too. Okay, here's another assumption. Vogue always leaves the party early. That's like, now, the thing about it is I don't drink often. So when I do drink,

I drink, drink. So I'm out, out, out. And and like even if I'm literally trying to prop myself up in the cage I'll still I'm like I just can't miss it that's why I fall asleep in the cage so many times that's true on your in your day-to-day you do kind of retire early you go to bed early you're up early all that jazz but when you're out you're usually out out now sometimes you're not sometimes you're just you'll nip off but you're usually out out now sometimes you're not sometimes you're just you'll nip off but you're usually out out yeah

you're a mom that's what happens I got a babysitter and everyone ends up on banged up abroad that's what happens with moms my favorite thing

is like when I actually do do an Irish goodbye and I leave early and I'm literally like I'm in bed and I'm thinking and then the next day

I can't wait to ring Amber and stuff and see how hungover she is and how many hours sleep she got I'm just so sad I'm thinking and then the next day I can't wait to ring Amber and stuff and see how hungover she is and how many hours sleep she got I'm just so sadistic like that but I love it I know my friend Susan's like that

she's like I tapped out early yeah what time did you get home at I tapped out early I'm just here in the gym because I tapped out early she loves that smug Susan I absolutely do

God you were really getting stuck in when I left you mustn't have gone for ages I tapped out really early One of my friends John I like because they always have parties in their house she lives beside her

sister and she'll text me and she's like how's Amber feeling today I saw on the camera she left at six o'clock this morning and she's thrilled she's gone for a run around the hill and out and she's like how's Amber

there's nothing worse I hate when people do that it's like go away or when people start telling you really embarrassing things that you did it's the worst or you're online

they're like oh have you been to bed yet huh huh oh up earlier, up late. Which is it? Shut up. Joanne has a slight smell of cigarette smoke.

She does not. Don't. She wouldn't. Absolutely don't. They smell like Joe Malone pomegranate noir, if you must know. Oh my God, that's my dead dad smell. Honestly, that reminds me of my dead dad.

I dug him up and milked him. I dug him up and milked him. I dug him up and milked him and put him in a bottle just to freak out. When anyone wears that, I'm like, oh my God, it just transports me back to his funeral. My auntie, she's a fancy auntie. And she had like all these huge Jo Malone candles like lighting when she was having the wake. So it was just a stench of pomegranate noir everywhere. And then when someone wears it I'm like oh oh

that's a very bougie that's a very bougie upper class wake yeah I know I've never seen the candles were like honestly they were probably like two foot high

giving out diamante eucharists and stuff we did have diamante bottles of holy water because I just thought

that's a nice thing to do at the funeral the Eucharist is from a farmer's market it's all organic Vogue acts all healthy for a week then binges McDonald's

also not true sorry I just had an image of Eucharist but just like a spread of smashed avocado on the top for like a spread of smashed avocado on the top for like a real

bougie funeral a little touch of caviar on top of a bellini here's the Eucharist where's the hummus oh it's over there oh thank you so much thank you

pass the hummus please pass the hummus up folk act healthy for a week then binges McDonald's that is not true I eat chocolate thank you so much thank you pass the hummus please pass the hummus up Vogue acts healthy for a week then binges McDonald's that is not true I eat chocolate no I actually

I don't have a great diet that's why when everyone asks me like I'm healthy 80% of the time but I love crisps and I love chocolate and I love sweets

she is an authentic freak she's not hiding anything no I'm not Joanne likes to shoplift occasionally not anymore unfortunately the risks are too high if I was caught now no I'm not Joanne likes to shoplift occasionally not anymore unfortunately the risks are too high if I was caught now

no I did find my jeans by the way I couldn't find a pair of jeans I had and I thought Joanne's been in here snooping around yeah of course she did she accused me of stealing them

huge Boga Joanne wouldn't be friends if they met for the first time as in now that's true yeah that's true do you think that's true

no it definitely is not I don't think so I think we would there are there are some people who you would you do wonder you're like

would we really because there's some people you're together you're friends so long and then your lifestyles become quite separate like you're like you grow up to have

different kinds of lifestyles and you wonder would our paths even cross no but when you think about who you would call but I think they mean if we were to meet now

as like women in our early 40s would we be friends excuse me my early 40s I'm 37 get lost I think if we met

out randomly at a party now okay and that is a yes from us we would be friends but currently we are not friends after what happened on Sunday

okay we'll be back together in a week's time I'm telling you. Listen. Stage three godmother. I know that has connotations of dying

but Joanne do you know what? Don't think about that. As I said less thinking. If you had sex with Spencer I would forgive you. Like I would.

I'd forgive you. So work away. Okay? Work away. Stop trying to offload that job to me. Give that to your housekeeper i'm not arsed i know what you're doing she's delegating and she's trying to

delegates i've got to delegate some shit sometimes yeah like god i know i know exactly what you're doing i went to give him a peck on the i went to give him a little peck on the lips goodnight last night I mean I had earplugs in eye mask on and my whole head was just engulfed I was like

fuck me I'm not getting out of it he's such a little sex pest isn't he such a sex pest such a sex pest I have some more Bickerstreets on sale and another London date on sale so Ticketmaster I have some more Vicar Streets on sale

and another London date on sale so Ticketmaster I have another Hammersmith Apollo and three more Vicar's on sale oh my god

have you got any Vicar Streets when I'm home next May okay I have to go to one of your Vicar Streets as well because it's

pretty iconic okay thank you everyone for listening please keep sending your emails into hello at mtgmpod.com. Oh, also we still,

we have a quark. We have one quark date left. Live at the Marquee.