My Therapist Ghosted Me - "Magical & Inspiring..."

Episode Date: May 13, 2022

They're back! After a short maternity break, Vogue & Joanne return with a birth story, some courtroom tea and a couple of sexy spank paddles. If you'd like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThank you!

We're back! Three weeks of mat leave, we're back in business. Oh hi! Hi, I'm Diorama McNally and this is Vogue Williams. Welcome to My Therapist Gousted Me. God, that was as bad as when you tried to sell your gigs. I know, there's just something wrong with me today. I'm so glad I'm not pregnant, Vogue Williams, anymore, though. Well, how long do we have? Seven minutes? Go and get your fucking tubes tied.

Me and Jo have had enough. I've had enough. I feel like you'd get pregnant from a grape seed at this stage. If you just walked past a fruit bowl, you'd be knocked up. The smell of a willy and I'm pregnant. No, we can't start back with dick chat, Jo. Please edit that. Jo, if you cut me down on my dick chat. I certainly don't think you want to be

on record as saying the smell of a willy and I get pregnant. You're not supposed to sniff it. I don't know how the fuck you're getting pregnant if you think that's how it's done. I was talking about you yesterday.

I was doing a pod with Russell Kane and I was telling him, I was like, Joanne doesn't do fanny chat. He was like, what are you talking about? She does fanny chat. And I was like,

she doesn't. He was like, in her stand up, she says something about her eggs are being crushed inside her fanny or something like that. And I was like,

that's very surprising. No, I don't. He's making that up don't mind him are you doing his pod again are you like a regular no no he did my pod because fanny's away

oh yes okay you're getting your little pseudo husband's in who have you had I've only had Russell Cain

I'm getting girls as well Russell Cain I don't know who else we've got to organise. We haven't got everyone yet. Oh, thanks. Thanks for the invitation. Do you know why?

Somebody was like, well, we asked Joanne. I was like, why? I just have like a double and my therapist. I was like, it's going to be the same thing. I was like,

we can't have Joanne on this fence. Well, we could, I suppose. Well. I know you don't like being asked to do pods. I don't. But I think Vogue only asked me to get involved.

Who wanted me to do a quote for your book? Was that you or your publisher? That was, of course it wasn't my publisher. They couldn't have thought of a worse idea than you two.

That was, that was my favourite back and forth with Nathan I think I've ever had. He was like, yeah, that's not going to work. That one,

that one just won't work. In classic Vogue behaviour, she's like, will you give me a crowd for my book? And I was like, yeah, no problem. So I was in Cardiff. It was the first day of my UK tour. She goes, yeah, I need it like now. I need it now.

And I was like, Vogue, I have to read the book first. And she's like, it's a children's book. It's three pages long. You don't need to read it. I was like, all right, grand. I sent you the book and you're like,'s a children's book it's three pages long you don't need to read it I was like alright grand I sent you I sent you the book and you're like

give me some time I need to read the book it is the shortest book of all time it's honestly about 12 pages I was like I think you can handle it

it's still longer than your original one I'll never ever live that book down no everything by Bo Gulliams

yeah everything by Bo Gulliams Yeah, everything by Bo Gullio. You have to only whisper it. Jo, I have to send you a copy. There's plenty around. There is a... Do you know what? Actually, excuse me. Joanne, you dirty little bitch.

I hope your book fucking flops, right? Just the same as mine. I'll see you in the bargain bin. There's a three for one sticker over her face all over London. Did the book even get printed in the UK? Ah, no, I don't think so. Spenny has a book.

His is worse than mine. And it lives, honestly, Poundland still sell his book. So that's where his has ended up. Everyone, everyone, everyone has a fucking book. Just think of it, you're environmental because you didn't print that many. So that's good. You're the Gre Everyone, everyone, everyone has a fucking book. Just think of it, you're environmental because you didn't print that many. So that's good.

You're the Greta Thunberg of the publishing world. Exactly. One book, please. And if any more than one person wants to read it, we'll pass it round. Do you want to have I told you that I...

I'll post you Vogue's book if you want to read it. Go on. Get stuffed, you. Well, actually, some of Joanne... Mine is a children's book that I have coming out and it's actually a fantastic children's actually some of Joanne mine is a children's book that I have coming out

and it's actually a fantastic children's book but Joanne thought she would send me some quotes and okay the ones that

Joanne did write there's actually quite a few I was traumatized if your baby liked Stephen King they'll love this great quote

absolute classic if your baby liked War and Peace they'll love this. Great quote. This was one of my favourites. The most impressive thing Vogue Williams has ever written. Thank you. Full of plot twists.

I'm still thinking about it. Wait till Hollywood gets its hands on it. Every time I think about the twist at the end, I wake up screaming. Williams writes with such frenzied confusion that your child's brain will give up and be asleep within minutes.

I mean, that could have worked. Is the purpose of a book not to send a child to sleep? Is that my generation? Do you not read to a child to sleep? Or if I, is that my generation? Do you not read to a child to bore it to tears so it falls asleep? Is that not the point of it?

That is, I thought that could work because honestly, if I open a child's book and it's like, Theodore wanted this book about Jasmine, he's mad about her.

And it arrived and I was like, whew, that's a Nanny Jane book. There's no way I'm reading that shit. It was so long. It's like a novel. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And she'll sit and read the whole thing. I'm like, a few words, so long. It's like a novel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she'll sit and read the whole thing. I'm like, a few words, we're done. Yeah, a few words, a quick sedation. That's exactly it. Well, funnily enough, they didn't go for those quotes. I don't even think they found them funny. They said, book publisher, not that impressed.

They've suggested magical and inspiring. I think that's what we went for in the end. Me saying magical and inspiring in the front of your book. I just, Joanne just went for in the end. Me saying magical and inspiring in the front of your book. I just, Joanne just gave up in the end. From what I can tell, your book is about

forcing children to exercise and stuff before they're ready. So, I mean, I don't want to say, I don't want anything to do with it, actually. They are

I think it's an unhealthy message. They're dancing. They're doing their yoga. I think it's an unhealthy message. Oh my God, did you hear that story about the parents who put their child running a marathon

no did you hear about this Jo parents shared photos of their six year old struggling in 26.2 metre race the Kentucky parents who have drawn criticism for running a marathon

not metre mile you know I don't understand measurements or gravity I mean I'm I'm one equation away from being a flat earther so I just don't understand

things like that the Kentucky parents who have drawn criticism for running a marathon with their six year old son said that child protective services have since made an unannounced visit

to their home so they shared a photo of the child really struggling like I don't want to go on and the parents are like come on you can do it 26 metres. I'd be right.

Joanne, we wouldn't even be able to run a mile. Not to hope. Not to hope. He was struggling physically and wanted to take a break and sit every three minutes. Unacceptable.

In an Instagram post the Crawford said he was crying and we were moving slow so he was promised two sleeves of Pringles if he kept going. I think that it's very important

to bribe your children. How else are you going to get them to do what you want? 26 miles. Too far for a little six-year-old. With legs the size of a grasshopper. I know, but I find people who run marathons a bit odd.

I don't get it. It's so hard. Yeah, I don't know why you do it for everyone. Lots of them are crying at the end. Like crying, running and crying. I would like to do it to wear one of those tinfoil capes just for the drama of it all. You know the tinfoil capes they throw on at you at the end if you're in shock. We wouldn't even be able to walk that. Excuse me, I did a half marathon once.

Joanne, that's just not true it can't be true a hundred percent ran a half marathon marathon in acle how long did you how long did it take you i can't remember but like it was still bright when i finished it wasn't like it wasn't like they'd moved all the cones away and everything and acle had like reattached to the land because it was so oh no it's the opposite isn't it yeah no no no no

like I finished within an acceptable time but look I didn't thoroughly enjoy it but anyway anyway not for me I've been

I've been thoroughly enjoying my maternity leave thank you well I'm glad you have yeah Joe the the bloody ch of Joe. Vogue.

I said, oh, when are we coming back with the pod? I thought we were back last week. And Joe's like, can you not just enjoy your little bit of time off? Time off? This has been so difficult with the three of them. I've bitten off more than I can chew. I'm wrecked. I cried today when I was trying to film something

because I wouldn't stop crying see what you did wrong there I'm on maternity leave as in I left the maternity arena as in I'm not doing any maternity that's why it's maternity, you're on maternity trapped I'm on maternity leave

I'm having such a lovely time I'm just chilling relaxing trying to get my my pre-baby body back with John Belton having a bath sleeping when the baby sleeps I think sleeping whenever I want absolutely chilling you're living the life that I need do you know what though I I like, I feel like definitely now

it feels like I've taken on too much. But, you've got to keep in mind Spencer's not here. I am up every single night on my own.

Yeah. But, but, I did a bad job. Look at me, living the life. I'm on maternity leave, not a single stitch.

Not a single stitch. Excuse me, I didn't get a stitch either by the way. Fanny, gone. Gone. You didn't get a stitch either, by the way. Fanny, gone, gone. You didn't get any stitches. Well, it's because I use this little balloon blow up thing. That's really embarrassing to use.

EpiNo for anyone who wants to know what it is. Use it for all three kids. My doctor told me to use it and it gets you ready for labor. There you go. And I'll tell you what, you know, the way I was so worried about my Fanny, I know you don't want the chat but like it really it took a turn for the worse especially at the end I was like there's no going back it's never gonna look the same well tell you what she looks exactly the same now

snap back snapped back thrilled with her oh my god I forgot to tell you guess what's coming to my house we're getting one of those chairs the kegelegel chairs. The buzzers. The Kegel chairs, the buzzer chairs in my house. And Joe, guess what? Do you know what the chair is mostly used for? Men who can't get it up. So come over whenever you want. We're always thinking about you, Joe.

We're always thinking about you. You and your little floppy dick. You and your flaccid friend are welcome at any time, day or night. If you cut out the flaccid friend are welcome at any time, day or night. If you cut out the flaccid friend, Jo, you're dead. Is everything always freshly laundered in your house? No, I wear gym gear two days in a row.

You pig! It doesn't stink! Joanne, don't say you don't do it. Excuse me, excuse me excuse me I went into my dressing room the other day you'd left your sweaty fucking gym bits sitting there

oh you're right like oh god yeah how posh was the birth I want to know when your water broke was it sparkly god I hate that feeling actually

so I'll tell you what happened so we went in I was getting induced because his movement had stopped. So he was actually induced 10 days early, which is like early enough, but they're ready at 37 weeks.

But I went in and I was looking forward to my day of just relaxing and chilling and just being on gas and air for as long as possible. And I went in and they sent me, they put this like gel in you. And- The sweep, even I know about the sweep. It's not a sweep, it's gel. And they put this like gel in you and the sweep even I know about the sweep it's not a sweep

it's gel and they put it in you but like I've never actually had thrush but it's only it was like there was a fire inside me there

and then she sent me off for a walk on a bank holiday Monday on the King's Road nothing was open and I was having an absolute terrible time and I just said

we have to go back I don't want to be out here like with my fucking fanny on fire I was like let them we have to go back I don't want to be out here like with my fucking fanny on fire I was like let's go back to the room so we went back to the room and then

and then they break your waters for you and then it all went from there we watched what's it called the Hunger Games chilled

I had so much gas and air God that stuff is amazing I know one of the girls she drank so much gas and air they hooked her up to the mains did I tell you about that before? No Yeah they hooked her up to the mains did i tell you about that before no yeah they hooked her up to the mains apparently she finished she kept finishing the cans look i don't know how it works that they hooked her up to the mains is spencer still going through his martial arts phase i can i have this

image of him cutting the umbilical cord with a samurai sword no you know what i actually being really dramatic i recorded the birth again i had had to, I just had to. So we were actually about to start recording it and Vasa, our doctor was like, push. And then she's like, stop, stop, stop, stop. Because he was going too quickly. So she ran and got the girl to record it. He felt quite uncomfortable probably having to record it for me.

But anyway, so we recorded it and like we're telling jokes and everything during it. It was actually hilarious, but you should see, I'm gonna show you the video. I'm gonna cover up my bits because it's not as nice as the last one. Spenny's face in it.

He's just like, like because he's trying not to look down, but he's just like looking all over the room. I've never seen him look so uncomfortable in his life.

I'd love, I wish to God she'd boomeranged the baby coming out. Wouldn't that be, that's the best boomerang. The head popping in and out. Come on. Surely that the best boomerang. The head popping in and out. Come on.

Surely that's a boomerang. You could probably get someone to do that. Yeah. Like, please, if anyone boomerangs their birth, please send us the footage. I'd rather see a boomerang baby head than a boomerang gin and tonic. I'm sick of seeing boomerang gins.

I'd rather see a boomerang baby head. No, but anyway, the birth was nice. He's here. You've met him. He's lots of hair. He's kind of, the birth was nice. He's here. You've met him. He's lots of hair. He's kind of going bald now. And his name's Otto. What else do I need

to tell you about him? I've decided to go, I'm going to go traditional godmother with Otto. What does that mean? I'm going to open him a credit union. A credit union?

Yeah, I'm going to open him a credit union account. Put in, like, what my, like, you know, what our relatives did to us. Open your credit union. Put in 100 quid

every birthday so that he can afford to transition into the woman that I want him to be when he gets to a certain age credit union or bonds do you remember

you get your aunt or something a prize bond how did the hello thing go I love doing the hello shoot it's all because people are always like, when are you going to tell us about the baby?

And I'm like, well, I can't. Yeah, I have to wait. I have to wait. But I actually, do you know what? Because at the start we were like, will we do it? Because Spenny was going to be away. And then I was like,

well, I mean, it's paid for the doctor. It's paid for the doctor. I got those amazing pictures. Yeah. I'm thrilled with myself. Yeah. So that's why I do it everybody

I don't think he looks like either of us really Spenny of course and like everyone's like he looks like Spenny just because he has black hair he looks like he doesn't look like

either of us he certainly doesn't look Irish there's a mouth there's a particular mouth that your children have and I think it's Spencer's mouth have you seen them

open their mouths they're huge mouths it's my mouth. Is it? It's all that I get. Yeah, big mouth. Do you know what Spenny said to me as well?

Now, weirdly, Otto doesn't have the nose anymore. But when he was born, I was like, whose nose is that? And he was like, well, it's a hook nose.

It's yours. I was like, excuse me? You don't have a hook nose. He said I have a hook nose. You don't. I do. I bet you are. You don't at all. Well, Otto's already outgrown his hook nose, so that's a good nose. He said I have a hook nose. You don't. I do. I bet you are.

You don't at all. Well, Otto's already outgrown his hook nose, so that's a good thing. Do you know the first thing I did? So when you have a baby, the paps kind of start living outside your house to see who gets the first picture. Well, the first day I went out, right,

Otto fell asleep. Gigi was at one of her classes with Rushdie. One of her classes? How many classes is she doing what's she doing she does monkey music she does baby judo swimming twice a week Gigi does baby judo oh my god that's so funny it's not what you think it's literally just like a soft play loads of shit on uh anyway the first, right, when they're trying to catch you, a picture of you with the baby.

I was so, I was on my own. I didn't even have one child with me. I was like, this is going to come out and look so bad. The baby's not even a week old and I'm there wandering

about Fantasy Park with Winnie. I love to hear like a bag of cans, just like chilling in the sun on your own. Taking photos of yourself in the sun, having ball but then it got worse he followed us so like i was going out and obviously five days after otto was born i booked in to get a morpheus with susan fawn amazing and uh and the yeah the paps followed me there and i was so like because you're like my face was really really red after it and i was like this is absolutely the like my face was really really red after it

and I was like this is absolutely the first thing she goes to do with a newborn is to get her face fixed that's what my priority is like Spencer on the way home from the hospital

like if you just drop me off at Susan Vaughan Aesthetics please I'll see you back there yeah so the more I'm going to book in for the Morpheus as well I know a girl

who knows a girl who was getting married and she said her skin was so amazing on the day. It was like her skin was made of glass. And she said it was from getting really vicious IPL and Morpheus's. You need to get three though.

And Susan said you're a bit of a wimp. Sorry, I don't. OK, I take issue with that. You were. She said that somebody in the other room was like, is that girl OK? What was she having done?

Well, firstly, I am not impressed that Susan's out. I would have assumed that there was a face nurse confidentiality system there. That if I'm struggling, she keeps that shit to herself. Susan the blah blah. You said to me, I have got a really high pain threshold. Well, Joanne, no you don't. No, you know yourself, I have got a really high pain threshold. Well, Joanne, no, you don't. No, you know yourself, I have an overactive nervous system. So Susan was basically electrocuting my face.

Do you know what I mean? Remember, she's putting little satellite dishes in your face, basically, so that you can attract. I thought I'd take a video of me getting it done just so you can see how brave I was. Look, there I am. Not even a twitch. Look at me.

Do you know, Vogue, that's because you've had so much work done. You're used to it. Look at me. Do you know, Vogue, that's because you've had so much work done. You're used to it. I'm not. All I'm used to is just an aggressive bit of Nivea in the evening. I'm not used to getting anything done.

So suddenly when this, when Susan's coming at me with her electric prod. I'll tell you what, I'm into it. And then I went to see Sarah Tonks and she does this like,

she's Dr. You and she works at Dr. You. Yeah, she's fab. She does this skin tightening thing. I'm on like a serious journey now. It's fantastic. Yeah. I'm back.

You're back, baby. We missed you. I know. Speaking of us being back, baby, our paddles, our spank paddles arrived from Wolf and Brat. Oh, stunning. Yeah. So one says. Joanne, you follow them. Oh, stunning. Yeah. So,

one says, Joanne, you follow them. I just follow them there, yeah. What else have you been buying? Of course I do. Can't beat an Al's bank bottle. Come here.

I'm not a human. These are quite nice. My cheeks went spanked themselves, as my mother always says. So, basically, mine, they gave us two.

One's called Daddy's Girl and one's called Dirty Little Slut. One has Dirty Little Slut on it. So I... I'm Dirty Little Slut. Come on. No, I knew that. Yeah.

So... Ideally, you get Daddy's Dirty Little Slut. Or one that just says Dirt. A man just gets real Dublin. Dirt. Dirt. Dirt. Dirt. Joanna, my name is Dirt and Cheap. a man just gets real Dublin dirt dirt dirt dirt

Joanna my name is dirt and cheap depends what we're doing on the time but you know what I think isn't it so funny the way like where's my paddle

I want that there's always a slight degradation against women and sex which I mean we're all kind of into on some level so it's grand

like dirty little slut but like you'd never get a paddle for a man with like lazy little bastards on it. You're like spanking him. You lazy little fuck. Look at you there. Fucking lying there doing nothing.

You lazy little bollocks. Fix the Wi-Fi. Fix the Wi-Fi! Or with orders, like, bleed the radiator you lazy bollocks bleed the radiator anyway thanks for our paddles guys we're absolutely delighted

thank you so much for our paddles yeah I'm just wondering what else you said Joanne you dirty little bitch she didn't ask me

she just do you know what I thought she saw I thought she she guessed correctly because I didn't ask for that. I just said, listen, send us whatever you think. What colour are they?

What colour did you go for? Pink. Kinky pink. Pinky kink. Again, this was all wolf in breath. They just read the room quite well. Supposedly people are very much into spanking. I did a show about sex before

and we did this spanking class. More is fine. Fucking hell. Honestly, you could pay me to do anything I've said it before but like I was getting spanked on TV

I think my mom watched that as well but people are mad for it I burnt my head with a curling iron I look like Scar from The Lion King like what an amateur show me it it looks like I took a toaster to my head with a curling iron. I look like Scar from The Lion King. Like, what an amateur. Show me it. It looks like I took a toaster to my head. Oh, God, it's in a terrible spot as well.

No, it's really bad. It's like all swollen and everything. Those things should come with warnings. We kind of have to touch on Amber Heard and Johnny Depp, really. I mean, have you ever seen... So I was looking up worst divorces, and this is second. This is built. There's something worse than this.

Yeah, I can't remember what it was, but there was a divorce worse than this. Deemed to be worse than this. Oh my God, I just can't even believe that's true. Did you see where Johnny Depp was talking about her producing the fecal matter, delivering the fecal matter? Like, I mean, how do you come back? producing the fecal matter delivering the fecal matter like there is I mean how do you come back how does anyone

come back from this she shot the bed I think she'd just come back from Coachella or something and she and he was talking about the production of fecal matter I don't know

there's no coming back from this the only way they can get over this is to get back together I mean it's literally just disappear and start a new life together it's the only way you can get over this is to get back together. I mean, it's literally... Just disappear and start a new life together.

It's the only way you can recover from this. I still have hope they're going to get back together. The people, though, the people that they brought as witnesses and stuff for the trial, there was one fella, I think he was like a security guard or something, and he's literally in his car, and he's got the phone on.

He's like, actually, I just don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to do it anymore. And he like hung up and just drove off. Like, so I know that's a really serious topic, but like the only way you can look at it, they both seem to be as bad as each other. I think she's, I think she, I think she's been diagnosed with all sorts of stuff.

I mean, it does, Johnny, it does feel like Johnny's winning this one now, I have to say. I know, but the thing about it is, right, if Johnny is caught even, like, if they say even once that, like, he pushed her or something like that, even if that's to push her out of the way, I think that he can then lose the case. But, like, I don't even think she's got 100 million to give him. I don't.

She absolutely doesn't. No, she doesn't. But I think, think like because I read a lot about it because I'm up at night so much on my own and there's this there's this insta page

that I follow and it like shows you all the stuff from the court and it's not looking good for her at all but like how did he not win the one in bloody London

very hard to win I don't know but isn't it very hard I do actually I've just it's because they weren't allowed access to the whatsapp and all the

video footage but Elon Musk has got a lot to do with this so supposedly they were having an affair Cara Delevingne's going up in the lift

with them as well and James Franco going up to to Johnny Depp's apartment how did she not know she was going to get stung

but wasn't she saying that Johnny was really jealous about James Franco and was really jealous about James Franco and was really paranoid about him and then there's footage of her taking him upstairs. Hollywood, what?

It doesn't make you want to live a Hollywood life. They're all bananas. She'll never work again. And I've never said that line before, but I like how it sounds. She'll never work with us again, Vogue. I can tell you.

We want nothing to do with her. That's it, Amber. We're done with you. We're done with you. No, the whole thing is a fucking, it's absolutely banana town. We've been in court a lot recently. I'm in court for Wagata as well. I'm really enjoying this time at the moment.

I think it's come around at the perfect time for me. I have a little bit more time on my hands during the night and I need to be like seeing these things. The Rebecca Vardy thing. Oh God, it makes me, it just, even my stepdad, Neil, was up here today. and I need to be like seeing these things the Rebecca Vardy thing oh god it makes me it just even my stepdad

Neil was up here today he's like what do you make of this Rebecca Vardy thing and I'm like what the hell is he he's even invested in this

it's so good I know it's so good you know what we deserve this we deserve the drama we do I hate when people are like

why are we taking an interest in this because it's the most amazing tea we've been served in years. It's going on three years. And no one will step down. It's all ego. So what happened with her, right?

She was given information to journalists through her publicist, but it wasn't just about Colleen Rooney. She was leaking stuff about a footballer who was drink driving and she wanted to be paid. She was leaking a story about a female celebrity accused of cheating on her husband

with a well-known footballer. So finding out all this gossip from her husband and then going and trying to sell it. Your husband's on seven million a year. She had to apologise to Peter Andre because she called his dick a chipolata. And he came out and he was like, I do not have a chipolata dick. I'm actually so embarrassed for Peter

that he's getting dragged into this. Imagine suddenly they're like, well, Vogue Williams has nipples. Like, you don't want to be involved. Vogue Williams has a clit the size of a truck. I'm selling it to the Daily Mail. Imagine. Like, it's none of your,

it's no one's business what size your clit is. I'm not going to ask. It's really bad that they're involving Peter Andre. It's so good though. I like, honestly, I can't get enough of it.

My favourite was when Rebecca's being accused of sitting behind Colleen at that football match so she'd get more press. I know. Scarlet. Publicity seeking behaviour.

It's, I just, like like i was looking up stuff as well that with people who like love to plant shit in the press and it's actually kind of amazing the amount of people that like do it all of them are at it really famous people like blake lively and ryan reynolds hate the press but they release their own pictures where they're all smiley and happy. So they get a pap to do them and they release them instead. And if you ever see them when they've been caught off guard, they're absolutely furious. Another one that I learned, right? Anyone who is pictured in Dubai on the beach, like, you know, walking around, just looking along the beach like they don't see the pap. Paps are illegal in Dubai.

So those are all set up pictures. Oh, really? Sure. like they don't see the pap paps are illegal in Dubai so those are all set up pictures oh really sure I used to know this girl right she would go to a beach and she'd literally go down the beach with like six bikinis and she'd just change

in and out of them do this whole set up like all different bikinis that she'd sell on for like weeks after that's a great I think like but I always noticed

it as well it was you know when someone like would do a kind of a Christmas fitness DVD yes and there was always this amazingly timed

or like very what would seem like a very badly timed photo of them on the beach in Spain in their bikini with like rolls rolling out

like a really unflattering photo whatever like it's supposed to be unflattering like we're supposed to think it really unflattering photo, whatever, like it's supposed to be unflattering, like we're supposed to think it's unflattering. They're eating a burger, or stuffing their face,

they're doing something that makes us judge them for their body, and they're staged, because then it's like, oh, DVD released. I think they go on holidays, they're about to start their DVD fitness journey,

they get paid a shit ton of cash, they let them take those photos. They release those photos. They're now a magazine. And then it's the before and the after. They're definitely staged. All that shit is staged.

But like, supposedly Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, like you wouldn't think they'd do something, but they sold the first pap shots of their baby apple

or Moses, one of them ones, to a pap and they made over a million for it. I know. Gigi's making you a fortune on that fairy ad.

Rightly so. Tell you what, she looks bloody great in that ad. She looks bloody great. I was, you know, Caroline Watts, your one Caroline Watts,

I don't know what's going on with her now because she's not in court because she's not well. She's been deemed like by a psychiatrist that she's not fit enough to attend.

She's not like medically well. So I don't know what's going on with her but you know her throwing her phone saying her phone was sucked in sucked up by the

North Sea I can tell you now if the guards came knocking on my door from my phone I'd be coming out with the exact same shit that phone wouldn't

be going anywhere into anyone's hands not a hope straight to the Bermuda Triangle I'd be like you died of death in British Bay

good luck never to be seen again I actually feel sorry for her because she's literally been flung under the bus but I would say I wouldn't say

you said that he's on like 7 million a year I wouldn't say she was doing this shit for money so some people sell bits of information so that they can get

more press or to hide other stories so like they basically give the press other stories yeah so like they basically give the press other stories I heard that too

but you don't know if that's true I love believing it's true I don't care Rebecca Vardy is from what I can tell from my deep and vast research on the subject

an absolute press thirst bucket so nothing would surprise me to be honest well in fairness she's made a career from it

and Colleen Rooney her career was kind of handed to her on a plate a little bit as in there was such a wag obsession at the time she was just throwing

all this work whereas now they're not as relevant anymore so Rebecca has to work hard for it I just I just don't know if my husband if he had that much money

if he'd be arsed working Joe's not shaking his head as well me and Joe would be on the fucking you'd be working me and Joe would be on the lilacs out in the back yeah I'd be arsed working Jo's not shaking herself me and Jo would be on the fucking you'd be working me and Jo

would be on the Lilo out in the back yeah I'd be working I'd be flat out in the Lilo well that's but this is her big ploy go kick your little balls

bring the cash home to mummy thank you bye but this is but this do you not think that this is

kind of her ploy it's costing her like what is it two million and she's getting all of her ploy? It's costing her like, what is it, two million? And she's getting all of this amazing press. Like that's what she lives for. You can't pay for that kind of press. You think this is amazing press?

All press is good press. No, Vogue. I'd say she's delighted. No, that's a real Simon Carroll thing to say. Those days are over. No, but she, I guarantee you she'll be on on one of those, like, I don't know, like MasterChef or something. She'll probably get MasterChef now.

She'd never have gotten MasterChef before this shit. People don't respect people who rat other people out like that. Snakes don't work. Theodore was a terrible rat. Sorry. Is he? I do. I say Theodore, he's telling tales again. He tells tales on himself. I walked in the door earlier on and he looked at me with his face

and I was like, what's wrong? Him and Megan were going somewhere and he's like, Megan's buying me an ice cream. And Megan was like, I told you not to tell her. He raps himself out all the time. He raps himself out, that's so funny. Look at my tan, it's fucking bare by Vogue. Look at my tan It's fucking Fucking bare by vogue

Look at me I'm bare by vogue Look how good it looks I'm really enjoying it I just am really enjoying it I can't wait for more I wish there was a camera In the courtroom though

Sorry We should go one day Can anyone go? This needs to be A six part series much like the Pam and Tommy sex tape this has

and it will be this will be a series I want it will be I want Keira Knightley in it maybe maybe

Keira Knightley I think maybe Colleen Rooney might do something on it she'll get her own BBC 3 show oh no no no

there's something I think Colleen's a bit she's an interesting one I think she's a bit, she's an interesting one. I think she's a bit like, there's a hierarchy in the wag world, which we know there is. And Colleen's pretty

high up there. So I'd say she, I'd say Rebecca Varady was trying to get into the next level, the next circle up of wags. And Colleen was like,

no, I've worked long and hard to get here. You're not getting in. It's a bit of a mean girls vibe, I think. That's why Rebecca planting herself behind Colleen at the

football and all that jazz. Like, she was trying to position herself in a higher tier of wags. Never goes down. Never goes down well. You know when someone's pushing too hard to be your friend. You're like, go away. Oh, God, I hate that. That's what's going on here. Rebecca's making a show of herself.

There's a lot to be said about being happy with your position in life. There really is. Like, no, no. That's what's going on here. Rebecca's making a show of herself. There's a lot to be said about being happy with your position in life. There really is. Like, there's a level of cool. Sorry, at what point have you settled for a position in life?

Listen, I'm talking about the cool, the cool level. Like, I would say that, like, probably you were viewed as slightly more cool than me because, like, I don't know, I've got three kids and stuff. Spenny really holds me back as well he fucking holds me back in the cool stakes uh and you're probably more cooler than I am you bring me up I'm not cooler than you I'm not

cooler than you at all touch touch you're a comedian yeah you know no you're right I just I just didn't want to say it but yeah I think that is the general consensus yeah but I know my position I'm happy here yeah I'm happy here. Yeah. I'm happy. Yeah. You know your position, but also I know my position that I'm like that when I accidentally got papped with you, I looked like your nanny.

Ill-fitting pants on me. My arse was like it's never looked worse. I was climbing in and out of a car or something. It was the most unflattering photo I've ever seen of myself beside this gazelle of fucking blonde flowing extensions

like a gorgeous child swinging off one tit like I've never looked worse that's not, you know what I mean you need to have a tough skin to have that stuff floating around in you and not take it to heart so I might be cooler than you in the stakes of like You need to have a tough skin to have that stuff floating around in you and not take it to heart.

So I might be cooler than you in the States of like, I could pull off a gold chain and I've no kids. But I cry myself to sleep at night, Vogue. Well, I don't because I'm obviously thrilled

with my position in life. As I've told you, I know where I stand and I'm happy there. Thank you for listening. We've had an absolute ball. FYI, I'm still on tour and there are still tickets. There's still tickets for Cork in June.

There's still tickets for Killarney in December. There's still tickets for Vicar Street in September. And there's still tickets for the September UK dates just if anyone's looking it's all on joannmcnally.com I've been Joanne McNally and will continue to be

so and I will still be Vogue Williams but I might be more battered by the end of next week more of I'm more battered I'm fucking wrecked I'm so tired.