Metabolising...
00:00 This is a Global Player Original Podcast. Niamh Gwilliams Joanne McNally we're delighted to be back after a two week break I missed you Joanne didn't miss any of us I did I did if I say it like that I'll do it I'll tell you now being on holidays
00:39 because you know the way holidays are it's hard to switch off properly when you're on a holiday but one of the great things was and just to give it some context I was touring in Australia
00:52 so I wouldn't usually holiday in Australia because it's like obviously do you know what I mean you holiday in Benidorm you don't holiday in Australia from here
00:57 it's too fucking far anyway but because of the time difference in Australia you have to switch off because you're like I can't speak to anyone like you'd be quicker
01:06 contacting people on a Ouija board like I send a voice note in the morning someone else replies that night it's literally impossible to work
01:13 it's amazing I have to say the time difference worked quite well for me and you I think it did yeah it did
01:19 and like but the thing I do envy you going on holidays because I don't get left alone on holidays. Like no one leaves me alone, ever. There's not a day in my life that anyone leaves me.
01:30 Except, you know what? Weirdly enough, Bank Holiday Mondays, people leave me alone. Why? Where do they go? I don't know. Everyone disappears on a Bank Holiday Monday. Your children disappear on a Bank Holiday Monday? Oh no, they're always there. That's what I mean.
01:40 So I'm staying in Vogue's now, right? I've basically moved back into the basement where it all began and it's all done up now though. It's a lovely basement. It's a gorgeous basement it always was a lovely basement but like there's just so many people. I don't know how you do it. I know I say it all the time. I don't know how
01:58 you are around that many people that much. I just don't understand. Well like my kids are there all the time. They live there full time. Alan was like, Joanne, if you tell me one more time about how hard it is to spend so much time
02:09 in my company, he's like, I'm going to throw myself out of the plane. Well, Alan's unusual that he doesn't read a book by the pool and he just stares at you.
02:15 Like, that would be, I'd feel, Alan, what are you going to do for today? Are you going to get a magazine? What's the plan? Because I have a book. See? It's got words because I have a book see
02:25 it's got words and I'm going to read the words for the day and he's like no I'm just going to I forced him to get a magazine I forced him I was like please
02:32 he bought GQ magazine does he not just like complete Instagram I was like just fucking by woman's way anything Alan please I love Alan
02:41 he's amazing you're trying to read and then like look it's not like I know I'm not reading like an academic paper but I have to
02:48 it breaks your concentration I'm lucky with Spenny because he's such a lazy bastard that like he will literally lie down and he'll nap all day I wouldn't hear from him Alan's either
02:56 staring it off into the distance or complaining it's you remember you I was onto on the plane I think it's my friend Nancy I was voicing out on someone
03:04 and I looked and I saw his seat was empty I said oh fuck he's gone to complain about something and he had what is he a serial
03:12 complainer he's a serial complainer what was he complaining about I'm like you're Karen like it should be me
03:19 I'm the white woman you're Karen what was he complaining about on the plane though that's interesting he'll be embarrassed so obviously I'll tell you yeah yeah yeah
03:26 our seats weren't close enough together what do you mean and I was like you were thrilled I'm grand yeah you were thrilled do you know
03:33 because I love but he's like they're not close they're not close enough together while Alan was up the aisle to see because she kept
03:40 our seats closer together the thing about Joanne coming to stay I'm saying that like you're not here you are here it's because Joanne Jo's in the room the thing about Joanne coming to stay I'm saying that like you're not here you are here it's because Jo's in the room too Jo and Joanne
03:48 like you kind of disappear and do your own thing like I don't you were like oh god I don't want to drive you mad after a while I'm like I've barely seen you since you walked in
03:55 I find myself creeping outside your door and I'm like if I hear noise I'll knock on the door and see if I can go in and see what she's doing I don't know
04:02 I don't know how I turned into such a loner but I think it just happened slowly over time and now I'm a massive loner. She focused on her breakfast on her own this morning. No invite for me.
04:13 I did. I did say to you but I love the Battersea Grill. I've been fantasising about going back for breakfast in the Battersea Grill. Where is that?
04:20 Gorgeous. The Italian restaurant? It's not really in Italian. I think they might but it's just real gorgeous basic rock hard golf ball eggs on just one piece of bread. Like
04:31 I just really love it. So I was excited to go. But like I think from doing stand up from being on the road doing stand up I've just developed this kind of lonerism that I I find it hard. Yeah and I can't shake it now. She's a Billy No Mates but I'm a Billy Need All The Mates. I'm a real Billy No Mates it hard and I can't shake it now she's a Billy No Mates but I'm a Billy Need All The Mates
04:47 I'm a real Billy No Mates yeah I can't bear it like I can't bear it I'm really worried about going on tour with you now I have actually I've decided that I'm going home
04:54 as quick as humanly possible after every show because I just don't want to be ignored for the day you're going to have to bring someone else I need to go home and have attention
05:02 she'll leave me at like 11 o'clock every night and then I won't see her. I won't see her at all. I'm making plans. Anyone in Wales. I need to address this.
05:10 I need to have friends in Wales. If I know anyone in Wales I don't even need to know you. If anyone would like to go for lunch in Wales please mail in. The DMs are open.
05:20 I need a friend. No I think it's because you adapt to your circumstance and your circumstance is that you to your circumstance and your circumstance is that you have a family and your house is quite busy and there's always people coming and going
05:31 like I was in the house the other day when I arrived in and there was so many people staying that I was like has she built another floor that I haven't seen like where is Spencer's mom where did she sleep
05:40 because she's like I stayed over last night and I was like where the fuck did I put you no Spenny's mom didn't sleep in her house last night. Svenny's mom lives across the bridge.
05:47 Oh, sorry. Alexander was there for dinner and he won't be coming back because he was slagging off my potatoes. I thought, you shitebag. They were awful.
05:55 They were terrible, but I'd cook them the night before. Anyway, I would like to know, you were in Australia for six weeks? Yeah.
06:02 I'd like to know what your favorite thing about Australia is. Oh my God. The food in Australia. Oh, so Yeah. I'd like to know what your favourite thing about Australia is. Oh my God. The food in Australia is... So not the people, not the people. Oh, the people are wankers. But the food.
06:15 My God. I think I only met about three Australians. It was mostly, it was obviously all Irish. Irish, English, New Zealand. There were Australians actually at the show, a couple of Americans, but it was primarily... Irish, yeah. New Zealand. There were Australians actually at the show, a couple of Americans, but it was primarily Irish. It was primarily Irish.
06:28 English, Welsh, Scottish. Yeah, that was the vibe. But the food, I fucking can't get over it. I know, it's pretty good. I thought the food over here was good. You'd go into like literally a deli and you're like, oh sorry,
06:42 another Michelin star meal. Like one time, me and Anna went in for a burger. The burger came out in a bell jar. There're like oh sorry another Michelin star meal like one time me and Alan went in for a burger the burger came out in a bell jar there was like a team of people carrying it out like a king's throne
06:50 and then the burger was black and they took it off and all this smoke it was like Cher coming up from the stage everything was just amazing
06:59 like I was taking photos of food which I never do I did notice a lot of that on your Instagram it was unbelievable I couldn't get over the quality of the food and of course it was a lot of food which I never do I did notice a lot of that on your Instagram it was unbelievable I couldn't get over the quality of the food
07:06 and of course it was a lot of food because again Alan has to eat every 20 minutes I have to now I'm with him I have to eat
07:14 every three hours or I feel very sick the cutlery's going down he's like so when's the next one coming I'm like I fucking can't
07:20 I love eating too I really do I do love eating I really do I like to know just what I'm having for every meal I like thinking about it and really do. I do love eating. I really do. I like to know just what I'm having for every meal. I like thinking about it and knowing. The consistency. I'm like, where is it going?
07:31 Like, where is this all going, this food? Well, he's a fast metabolism, obviously. So that's where it's going. He's a very fast metabolism. And I told him, can you metabolize down in the hotel lobby, please? Because you can't be metabolizing in the fucking hotel room. You can't, no. I've been through this before, Alan.
07:46 You metabolise in the lobby downstairs. I remember when I went away with an ex before and like we went and we were there for three days and I saw the toilet. It was one of those glass doors
07:57 like, you know, and it's a glass and I'm like, why do you want hotel rooms to have to do that? No one wants to be able to look out into the bedroom. Well, someone's metabolising
08:05 you want a metabolising piece we had the same thing so we went on holiday I had a week off at the end of the tour and we went to Port Douglas which is absolutely amazing in Queensland
08:13 and we booked into a hotel which was a full blown catfish hotel so we stayed for a day and then we're like do you know what it's just not what we thought they fucking face tuned
08:21 that hotel room oh no I wanted to get in there with Sif and like a wire brush and a Brillo pad actually. Sif and a Brillo pad would have done that place wonders. It was...
08:30 Are you still fucking working for Brillo pads? No, not anymore. Surprisingly, they haven't come back. Well, beep that out because they're not getting that for free. Anyway, so we were in the Catfish Hotel and exactly like you say, the toilet door was like a shutter.
08:50 A shutter! Oh no! No! I was like, why don't you just put up a set of beads like they did in the 70s? Like, can I have any privacy, please? No, no. So that's where I said,
08:59 Alan, the reels are, we metabolise in the lobby but Alan doesn't care about the reels and so if he disappeared for any length of time I'd be banging on the door but you fucking metabolising in there it's unacceptable
09:08 to do that it's unacceptable especially with the amount he metabolises Spenny wouldn't give a shit and he is a very he is a vast metaboliser there's a lot of that
09:16 going on every day he metabolises a lot that way I just I don't know it was just so much just digestion I don't know it was just so much just digestion going on
09:28 the whole holiday was just there was just a lot of digestion so I flew back to I flew home and I had to I had to spend a night
09:36 in Heathrow I didn't have to but Alan was getting a flight the next day so I was like look I'll hang out with you blah blah blah and then I was due
09:41 to go to Vogue's house the next day right before you start telling lies I was supposed to come to myogue's house the next day. Right? Before you start telling lies, you're supposed to come to my house at two o'clock in the afternoon. Vogue, I will give the details.
09:50 Okay, okay. And I'm going to finish them off if you're lying. So I was due to arrive to Vogue's at... I do tend to change my arrival times. Without telling you, by the way. But I did tell you because I know that you like to know arrival times. And so I said,
10:03 look, I'm going to be in yours at 12 o'clock and then I was like look it's going to be it's going to be at 12. It did. I was like it's going to be at prox 2. It's going to be 2 o'clock now meanwhile I was on my own in a hotel room with a bottle of Pinot Gris doing a Q&A on the gram
10:18 having a fucking ball and I said Vogue it's going to be at 6 o'clock at prox and then Vogue replies to's going to be a six o'clock of prox. And then Vogue replies to one of my stories and she's like, you're not coming,
10:29 are you? So I rang her. I said, I am coming. It's going to be an eight o'clock of prox arrival time. And then Vogue said,
10:35 do you want, that's too late. You can't finish this house at eight o'clock with your three suitcases. You were talking a prox nine, right?
10:42 It was going to be a prox ten. It was nine going on 10 It's like no no no by 10 I'm out I don't want to have to worry about someone getting into the house
10:49 approx 10 is too late I was half cut at that stage all I heard was rejection, rejection, rejection But sure I was only 12 so I'd already paid for the hotel for the night She was absolutely
10:58 locked as well and she was like no actually I'm having a great time here I was having a ball and I did I was watching her stories being like yeah
11:06 that's not hot she's not coming over here no she's not coming over here I was looking at the mess in the room and I was like no I did
11:12 the stories the stories are so they're so weird because you feel like such a wanker doing them but the reason I started doing them was because there was a lot of people were asking me
11:21 a lot of similar questions about just Dubai show was pulled and all this drama right and I felt really bad and I felt like I hadn't communicated properly
11:29 what was going on so that's how it started but then I was like yeah I bloody love Botox and I was like you saw that fucking on one I don't think I spoke
11:36 about Dubai at all but then it's the next morning you wake up and you're like oh you're like oh check the Q&A.
11:45 But it was actually fine. But I did lose a lot of followers. Obviously, your followers dropped. No one fucking cares. Do your followers drop? Mine never drop on question time. Well, you've got a million. You probably can't tell.
11:56 No, I can tell. I can tell. We don't keep track of followers. However, when it's a visible drop. Because of the stories you've been doing because you've tried to speak to people
12:07 as your true authentic self she started out really serious as well well about the shows this is happening then by the end she's like yes Pennywise
12:15 you're on the top she's had too much wine yeah I don't know I just think I used to do them kind of regular well not regularly but
12:27 I do enjoy I enjoy your question times I love to during lockdown I like doing them I'm going to do a question time today I might do it do a fucking question time
12:36 people need to hear what you have to say they all want to know what colour tan I'm wearing and stuff come on I want good questions you do get asked a lot of the same questions
12:43 of course you do yeah and stuff. Come on, I want good questions. Oh, you do get asked a lot of the same questions. Of course you do, yeah. I think I'm an introvert. Is that too much to say? Well, all I'm saying is when you get home tonight, if you dare go into that bedroom, that's it, we're finished. That's exactly where I'm going.
13:00 No, you're not. No you're not I miss that grim hotel In Heathrow Go back then Fuck off It was really grim I know it was grim I could see that
13:17 That jizzy Feckin throw And by everyone Mailing me about That new show On Netflix Where your man Jizzed into a pillow
13:24 I told you I told you that's what happens What's this thing? There's some show On Netflix where your man jizzed into a pillow I told you I told you that's what happens what's this now there's some show on Netflix it's called Obsession Louisa told me to watch it oh I've heard about it
13:31 it was terrible I watched like a tiny bit of it but your man was like jizzing into a pillow in a hotel room and I told you that's what happens
13:38 to the pillows and the throws you did in fairness I did and you warned them about that and I'm still getting letters about
13:44 letters sorry a pigeon dropped off a letter to her earlier I did in fairness. I did. And you warned them about that. And I'm still getting letters about letters. I'm just kidding. Sorry. A pigeon dropped off a letter to her earlier. I'm back from the future. I'm back from Australia. I arrived in a DeOralan. What's it called?
13:53 DeLorean. DeLorean. I just beamed down in a DeLorean outside Vogue's house. Got out in my white lab coat. I was like, oh oh my god that was mad you don't look unlike that doctor how dare you
14:09 what's his name again Marty no that's the other one the doctor the doc the doc Doc Brown I wouldn't mind
14:15 but we both it was so funny being Vogue like the fucking the vanity like I mean now look I actually would say
14:22 I think we have a healthy amount of vanity I don't think we're at the top like a normal amount we're not always normal amount like you know
14:28 Spencer has an unusual amount of vanity yeah like it's borderline strange yeah well I think yeah I think I think Spencer is just a very
14:37 he's just very selfish or very confident watch him watch him now that you're back watch him he'll just start pulling up his top he'll look at himself
14:43 so he'll pull up his top and just look just to check that his tummy is still there at himself so he'll pull up his top and just look just to check that his tummy's still there yeah no I've seen him do that yeah it's kind of frightening I think there's two types
14:50 of vanity I think there's the type of vanity where you genuinely think you're the hottest thing ever so you quite enjoy that and then there's the kind
14:57 of vanity that I think I have which is that you don't think you're attractive so you're always trying to improve your face do you get me?
15:05 so anyway when I go off the long haul I strayed into Dr. Tammy Thomas for the laser debloating lymph things I'm sure
15:12 who did I hear getting lasered in the room next to me? the two of us on Insta whoring ourselves out well the problem was Joanne had asked me about it and I was like
15:23 fuck her she's not looking better than me the lady but I was like fuck her she's not looking better than me at the bloody I was like Debbie Debbie I need you I was only in there
15:30 last Thursday so funny because I had check and file stories and I was like fucking she's in there the two of us in the clinic getting lasered
15:40 I'll tell you what I was there I was there one week and your woman was like they do facial like hair laser as well and I was like she's like well I and your woman was like they do facial like hair laser as well and I was like just she's like well I get your moustache
15:48 and I was like well now that you've mentioned it like I probably think you should whatever about your moustache which I you love my moustache I think it's I think it adds character
15:56 I've said it before and it means you can really contribute to Movember is that still a thing? Movember's still a thing yeah I'm gonna Vogue raises a lot of money for Movember every year still a thing Movember's still a thing yeah I'm gonna Rogue raises a lot of money
16:05 from Movember I do around that thing because Ronnie I had as we all have I don't have chin hairs if that's what you're gonna say
16:13 she checked are you gonna say that that's not what I've heard I have no chin hairs okay I won't tell you what happened to me I love that that's your line
16:21 that's your line we've finally reached she'll talk about absolutely anything she went maybe you don't have a you don't have a chin hair you can look
16:30 I have no chin hairs so I have as every woman has I think except folk that one fucking chin hair that's like
16:39 rope and it and it doesn't grow slowly that's so gross it's disgusting it's absolutely disgusting Joanna's wine dribbles
16:48 that fall down the chin hair and just sit at the end it's just one wiry chin hair and most women I know have it so when you grow up you'll get them too one hair and like I say
17:02 it doesn't grow slowly it just appears one day you've just got a rope hanging out of your chin and they're so strong right and anyway
17:10 I it kind of popped up that day when I went in to get the facial and I forgot to get rid of it and I could feel her she's massaging oh no
17:18 and I wanted to go you know the way it's like if you've got a big spot on your face you want to go and you can see someone looking at you you go look I know
17:24 I've got a spot but you can see her kind of like she's like if you've got a big spot in your face you want to go to and you can see someone looking at you and you go look I know I've got a spot but you can see her kind of like struggling to get over it. I don't know what it is it's one chin hair. I asked someone to laser it up
17:35 before and she was like I can't she's like I'm worried that I'll damage it and more will come. I don't know. It's a shared female experience.
17:41 I worked in a nursing home I saw what happens when you get older and you can't take care of it and then there's a nurse shaving you. I worked in a nursing home. I saw what happens when you get older and you can't take care of it. And then there's a nurse shaving you. No, I'll always look after my mum if she gets to do in-house. I will.
17:51 I had that. I told you that whole thing about my facial hair when I was pregnant. Like, it was really bad. I remember you talking about the makeup there, like her rubbing your chin. When Ashley would be trying to put on my makeup, like, it would just be all stuck in my beard.
18:04 Did you not derma-plate yourself? I had to derma-plate. I had to. Because I saw that picture of just be all stuck in my beard did you not derma blade yourself I had to derma blade I had to because I saw that picture of myself I went in to get ear piercings of Maria Tash and they were like
18:12 oh let's take a picture of your ear it looks so cool and they showed me the picture they were like can we post this and I was like absolutely not
18:17 like I've got a fucking beard her name's Maria Tash of course she's going to encourage that sort of behaviour she's like it's very on brand for us I literally ran home
18:27 and I was like why did you not tell me this and he was like well what am I supposed to say you've got a beard I was like
18:32 yes was it just kind of down the sides no it was like full like it was just so much blonde hair now I did have trouble
18:39 putting on my foundation but I just I looked past it I looked past it I was like it couldn't be that bad it was it's so funny so the girl who does my makeup Sue Brophy who's like a fucking hair makeup wizard the last time she did my makeup she was like oh you shaved and I was like I was like what yeah well I did a bit of dermabandage because yeah remember I said remember I was saying to you need to get that done I was like no she Yeah well I did a bit of dermabait and she goes yeah remember I was saying
19:05 to you you need to get that done and I was like no and she goes Joanne I told you you needed to get it done Did someone do it for you or did you do it yourself?
19:12 They did it for me when I went in for a facial they just kind of dermabaited the side but she was like I'm always trying to tell people to get it done like she's like Irish women are really slow
19:19 to get it done I know but I didn't know you were meant to get it done by somebody else I bought those cheapo little blades off now I'm always cutting myself those blades off Oh yeah I have that one I have to but I didn't know you were meant to get it done by somebody else. I bought those cheapo little blades off. Now, I'm always cutting myself. Those blades off Amazon.
19:28 I have to. Listen, I've got a German blade once a month. It's kind of just baby fluff hair. It's fluff, but your makeup goes on so much nicer. And then the one rope
19:37 that pops out. It just pops. There's no need. I've got a little rope that comes out of my moly moly in fairness. Yeah, I've got another little very, it's a gold hair that comes out of my moly moly in fairness yeah I've got another little very it's a it's a gold hair that comes out from my right and again there's no
19:50 warning it's so suddenly seven inches long you're like where the fuck did that come from oh uh uh anyway anyway so I was gonna be alive what I was just exhausting I didn't know if I was actually gonna bring this up, what? It's just exhausting. I didn't know if I was actually going to bring this up, but just you reminded me there, saying being alive. I saw this thing on Instagram the other day, right? And I think it was on Lad Bible Ireland or something. There's this like tribe, but they basically just live on the outskirts of a town.
20:19 Like they're wearing like Nikes and stuff like that. Do you know what I mean? That kind of tribe. I'm immediately nervous. Okay, go on. They're not a real tribe they wear shoes and from what I've heard they have a tradition
20:29 where they dig up the dead like every few months and like there's all these pictures of the bodies and they're basically treating these dead skeletons and putting fresh clothes
20:38 on them but then they've got all these children around looking at them and like it's like to show them that death is fine but they're dragging
20:43 these bodies out of the ground and like washing them and putting clothes on them to show them that death is fine but they're dragging these bodies out of the ground and like washing them and putting clothes on them well I mean I'm fond of awake myself now but usually when I put them in the ground I leave them there
20:52 are you going to bury me in a suction bag no I'm going to kill you in a suction bag and then bury you as I wish take you out for summer yeah I'm going to stick a Henry
21:04 the Hoover thing right in your gob suck all the life out of you and then kick you into the garden I've told you ever since I've been on safari I have no fear of death there was a really funny thing
21:15 I saw on the internet about people reviewing coffins it was so funny they were like oh five stars would die again like
21:24 then someone else was like three stars fell out of the bottom of it straight away. My family had to put me back in. It's still dead. Not happy. When I did Steph's packed lunch, they had they used to look after like small businesses, like a love of small businesses. They had all these gorgeous small businesses on. And one time they had this coffin man on and he brought all these coffins on that like he would decorate these coffins for people and like some of them were like in the in the pride flag like amazing looking coffins but I
21:53 just had a quite very niche market well I suppose that's not true it's not everyone's your market debts and taxes your two definites in life are death and taxes. And people, they like to be Instagrammable. Like when I die, I wouldn't mind a design on my coffin. You want to be trending. That's actually quite true. You could be known for your coffin. You'd be glitzy and glitzy. I don't know if I'd be glitzy.
22:16 I'm not really a glittery person. Imagine you were in a Diamante coffin. I'd scream laughing. I wouldn't mind gold and Diamante. That's a bit of me now. Yeah. I was in Dublin last week I flew home for a DJ gig
22:27 and you know tell me so I flew home for a DJ gig and actually the people I was working with were very very nice like they really looked after me
22:35 but I went into the bar which is an amazing they've done up the Odeon basically okay and it looks amazing but like usually I don't mind DJing
22:42 because I'm hiding in a DJ box so like my dancing is really minimal no but they had me in the middle of the floor
22:50 the DJ box was literally just in the middle of the floor so I had to do full on dancing like legs and arms legs legs and arms no
22:58 everything now I had brought runners with me you're not Torval and Dean I know legs but because I hadn't been out in the scene
23:05 in so long where I haven't been around seeing what people get up to influencers nowadays they had these lights on their phones
23:13 like three times the size of their phone these huge big like like square lights that like I mean you looked
23:21 magnificent yes but like I've never seen anything like it they all had them on their phone But one girl came up to me right And I'm not joking
23:28 I'm trying to be polite to people Right And I'm like yeah of course I'll get a picture of you Five times She came up Because she didn't get the right angle For you or for her?
23:38 For her She came back up to me five times Imagine because Imagine because Vogue I was happy with that one But you don't know very well You won't be good with that I'll have to cut you out But I couldn't fucking believe She came me five times imagine because imagine because I was happy with that one but you don't know you won't be good with that I'll have to cut you out
23:46 but I couldn't fucking believe she came up five times it's all about the content I think when you when you have photos taken with people and it's their camera so they're in control
23:57 I just I just don't look I don't think about it I'm just like yeah cool no worries well I always turn stick a filter on it good luck
24:03 if it's a man I'll always just take the phone straight off him. I do, I'm sorry. I know it's sexist. Because a man will go in. He'll go in under. Under.
24:09 It's like he's upskirting you, but he's not. He just doesn't know his angles. Yeah. So you're like under like this. He's trying to catch your chin hair. Your chin hair is like fucking blocking the lens. I'm like, excuse me,
24:18 while I sweep it to the side. I just got to clip it up. Hang on. Get a barber in here please have you got a bobby pin like why is
24:33 her fringe on upside down what's happening and then other people I've actually started because it really upsets me
24:41 when it's like we're looking into pitch black I'm like just turn around and face the window please face the window let's see the window
24:46 yeah the light the light must be coming at you like do you know what it sounds so pathetic and then I'm like whack a Paris
24:52 whack a Paris on that I know whack a Paris but it sounds so pathetic because then I'm telling you you get tagged in these photos and it's not good for morale
25:01 I was like when what the fuck oh my god I hate myself I got tagged I got tagged DJing and I actually
25:09 I'm so upset that I didn't save the videos for you me, Amber and my friend Megan sat at home after the gig laughing at the videos of me dancing
25:17 oh you should have saved them for us it was if anyone has any videos of me dancing no actually don't I wouldn't be able to it was so bad
25:25 actually they slagged me so much that I was like okay now I'm wearing it you're like ha ha ha oh now I'm crying you're just laughing along okay I can't dance enough
25:35 enough we're on tour and we're coming to a town near you. A town near you, Joanne, you say? What are those towns? Dubai. Here's where we're going. We've got tickets. We've got tickets for
25:58 Newcastle, Cork, Glasgow. Salford, Newcastle, Glasgow, Cardiff. And also, if you can't get tickets off Ticketmaster, just make sure that you go and check with the venue because the venue have their own tickets that they have to sell. So if you can't get tickets for a show, just make sure, go onto the venue website and you'll probably be able to get them there. And if you can't get them there, ring us directly and we'll organise you to get the tickets. Do you know what we've got and we haven't spoken about it at all? Brighton Dome.
26:28 Brighton Dome. And I did Prosecco there and it was great. I love Brighton. I think I might say that I'm Brighton. It's gorgeous. The room is amazing. It's like this really plush kind of velvety. It's a really big room.
26:39 I'm going to be in... Boston. You're going to Boston? I'm going to Boston.... Boston. You're going to Boston? I'm going to Boston. Boston, America? Yes, Vogue. Funny you should ask. Boston, Massachusetts?
26:55 I'm going to be in the Shubert Theatre. I'm sorry, I'm going to be in the Shubert Theatre on Friday, 12th of May, 2023. That's just great. You can, if you can't get the tickets I hate myself like I absolutely hate myself speaking of influencers
27:22 did you hear the story during the week about that poor young one? I say poor, well, we will decide, obviously, but I do feel
27:30 she got a very hard time of, she was trying to buy someone their shopping. Why? She was trying to fill them. So she was going, she was doing it
27:39 for TikTok or something. It's this like trend, I think, where like influencers buy something in their weekly shop as a kind of pay it forward scheme
27:45 and then they fill them and put it online but she was doing it in Balham which is basically like posh yeah Balham's posh do you know what I mean
27:53 like if you're gonna like that's like trying to do it in Brown Thomas in Dunlop Lane Centre in Ireland if anyone wants to go and buy my
27:58 coffee in Brown Thomas what am I talking about they're like do you want me to buy that 600 gram Sandro jacket actually yeah fucking thought it would be sound
28:06 she was in Waitrose or one of these places but no one wanted Waitrose like I could be factually incorrect there but it was Sainsbury's it wasn't
28:15 it wasn't little Sainsbury's is Spenny as well is it Sainsbury's is like like it's up there at M&S Sainsbury's sorry you remember Joe
28:22 I eat out of the co-op because I'm doing well these days I eat out of the co-op no flies on me babe do you know what I will tell I eat out of the co-op because I'm doing well these days so I eat out of the co-op no flies on me babe do you know what I will tell you I was in the co-op and there's a man in there
28:30 who works there that I know because he's beside us and my card didn't work and he paid for my shopping and I just thought and he was working there and I just thought
28:36 you're the nice man I obviously went back and brought money back to him but he was just going to pay for my shopping and just let me have it with his own card that's for
28:44 he wants something from you show me your knees he's certainly got show the listeners your knees tell me tell me
28:55 anyway so she was crying and she's like I don't understand I was just trying to do a good deed and then of course everyone's kicking off
29:00 because they're like if you're going to do a good deed don't be filming doing a good deed yeah but it is people don't want you to film it's like Jim Carrey said about like if you're going to do a good deal don't be filming doing a good deal yeah but it is people don't want you to film it's like Jim Carrey said
29:06 about like if you want to give a homeless person a meal give them the meals all this shit about people going filming them giving them the sandwich like I'd fuck a sandwich
29:14 right in your face I know but you know what I was thinking because I really thought about it because I was like I'm torn on this because she was genuinely trying to do a good thing
29:21 she was that's not what she was trying to do she was doing something for her TikTok. Yeah, but it's everyone that's her generation, right? It's like
29:29 if the fucking Pope shits in the wood does the tree sound make a fall? What are those sounds? Do you know what I mean? Do you reckon the Pope does shits in the woods?
29:36 No, because I think that's what you say when he does a shit. Are you saying he metabolises in the woods? If the Pope metabolises in the woods and a tree falls
29:43 and there's no one around to hear it did he wear a Balenciaga puffer that is the question that everyone wants to know it's a monkler is it he looks fab
29:52 oh yeah Jesus thank you but anyway but then I was thinking well ultimately the poor bat they were like no no
30:00 and they were getting really angry with her and everything and I mean ultimately she is giving their dad over to TikTok anyway but anyway i was thinking back in the day when we used to donate you'd get a little daffodil and stuff so we always wanted people to know we were donating as well and some people recycle their daffodil every year just went around going look i've already paid because they were too tight to do it so everyone all i'm saying is you owe a lot of money
30:22 to troker we don't knowrow everyone likes a bit of credit for their good work yeah but we've spoken about this before about like doing stuff and being like god I hope people know
30:31 I did that now I know there is a bit of there is a bit of performative charity work going on because you do want people to know
30:38 because you want people to think you're interesting and you want people to think you're kind and that's why people wear those fucking festival bracelets all year
30:44 what festival bracelets oh no I hate that because they want people to know that're kind and that's why people wear those fucking festival bracelets all year. What festival bracelets? Oh no, no. I hate that. Because they want people to know that they went to Glastonbury in 97. Did I tell you I'm going to Glastonbury? Can you believe it? I'm going to Glastonbury.
30:54 I'm going to Glastonbury. This conversation is going to go one of two ways. Are you performing or going as a punter? I'm going as a punter. Oh, Grant. Oh, you're in a helicopter.
31:03 Yeah. Or not. I don't know if I'm in a helicopter. You're not going in a punter. Elk Grant. Oh, you get a helicopter. Yeah. Or not. I don't know if I get a helicopter. You're not going in in a helicopter. Hold on, is this? I found out, right, that I was going to Glastonbury.
31:13 I'm going with James and Brian, two of our friends. And I got so worked up and nervous about it that I had to go and take a period to go to bed because I was so scared. Hold on a second.
31:21 What's going on? You're going to Glastonbury? I know. I just feel like it's going to be, it's a once in a lifetime thing. I'm just like, why am I going to Glastonbury I know I just feel like it's a once in a lifetime thing I'm just like why am I going to Glastonbury well because you're never around I feel
31:29 I know I'm never around anymore all I know is I'm probably going to what happens if I get pregnant again when is it I'm just happy I'm not pregnant this year I'm going to go and do stuff
31:39 when's it on the 23rd of June I think do you know Doug this is like weddings I won't go but I'd like to be invited okay I would love for you to come to Glastonbury with us
31:48 thank you I can't make it sadly so Joanne obviously had a blackout when she filmed The Wheel did you have some kind of a blackout an embarrassment blackout why
32:03 what is this about so I The Wheel a great show by the way like I'm I love Michael McIntyre yeah Did you have some kind of a blackout? An embarrassment blackout? Why? What is this about? So I, the wheel, a great show by the way. Like I'm, I love Michael McIntyre. Yeah.
32:10 He's so funny, but I did the wheel. So obviously, if Michael McIntyre asked you to do the wheel, I'm sure he doesn't just ask you, you do the wheel. I didn't hear from Michael directly, now I have to say. I didn't hear from Michael directly.
32:18 I don't know Michael. Michael's like, who the fuck is that? I'm like, hey Michael. But you can be sure Michael asked us to do the wheel. Okay? straight into the DMs. Begging us. Oh my God that I'm like hey Michael but you can be sure Michael asked us to do the wheel absolutely straight into the DMs
32:26 begging us oh my god I was like Michael keep your shit together you're embarrassing yourself yeah chill out maybe I'll do it I might have time
32:34 Joanne couldn't even remember who you couldn't remember your topic so you obviously don't remember everything else that came with the wheel
32:41 sorry just to say because I just want to for professionalism blacking out would suggest there was alcohol involved there was not what she's saying is there might have been
32:50 a bit of embarrassment yeah and that I blocked out parts of the show but I was like no what do you mean because then she was like well you never told me
32:57 about that you have to just dance it's a dance show it's a dance show that's all it was at the start and by the way I felt quite sick on the wheel now,
33:05 to be honest. I don't remember dancing. There was, well, I don't know how, that's all you did. Do you mean when the wheel's spinning and you go, yeah. But there's another part
33:13 where they film you and you have to dance on your own with everybody watching you. I mean, Jonathan Ross was watching me dance. Like, I don't want him to see me dance. I mean,
33:21 I'm not being bad, but I can't imagine Jonathan Ross is full of rhythm wasn't a bad dancer really wasn't a bad dancer I felt like shouting across and being like
33:29 Jonathan please don't watch me please turn your back to me please daddy stop watching me it was like and I was on with
33:37 somebody else who was in a pop band two pop band people and I'm like I'm watching them dance before me two people from dancing
33:44 Strictly Come Dancing that's not fair now so and then I was going and I'm like, I'm watching them dance before me. Two people from dancing strictly come dancing. That's not fair now. So, and then I was going, and I honestly. They're like, diversity, next up,
33:50 Vogue Williams. Did you do your hip hop that you liked doing from back in the day? Oh, I was just in, oh God, it was like,
33:59 I was trying to just sing along and then like, please don't sing to the words in case we don't use the song. And then I was like, wait, I've got nothing. I just have to try and do some dancing. You're like please don't sing to the words in case we don't use the song and then I was like wait I've got nothing I just have to try
34:05 try and do some dancing you're like give me a bloody glow stick give me something I'd never needed a vodka more in my life I was like if I'd had two vodkas
34:14 before this I'd be grand I would have been a really good dancer then but it basically is a dance show I don't I just don't really remember
34:21 I don't yeah I don't know it was over a year ago that I did it, though. That's not going to go to class with her. I should have told her I was booked to go down. She'd be raging. I was in.
34:38 Imagine, imagine. She would be like, oh, well done. I'm like, I'm so pleased for you. Oh, wow. What a great thing to do I love to see I love to see I love this for you this evolving
34:51 one of the questions on that enjoyable my night my little on your Q&A was this girl was like here
35:01 have you ever been done for plagiarism because I have a meeting next week and I'm shitting it and I was like well have you ever been done for plagiarism because I have a meeting next week and I'm shitting it and I was like well funny you should ask you got done for
35:10 plagiarising your essay from that so I got accused of plagiarism in college in my final year because I'd repeated so many years
35:18 at college I had essays that I what do you mean you repeated so many years at college well I kept remember I did my three year degree
35:22 in seven years what why yeah because I just kept dropping out because I was just so immature that I I think you repeated so many years of college well I kept remember I did my three year degree in seven years what why yeah because I just kept dropping out because I was just so immature that I I just saw
35:30 the world I didn't know what I didn't want to be out in the world wait wait wait art is what everyone does if they just I know
35:36 but I wasn't failing them I just wasn't dissitting them oh okay okay okay because I was too I was actually do you know what I was too proud to fail so I just stopped because I was actually, do you know what? I was too proud to fail.
35:46 So I just stopped because I was like, I wanted to do well and I just knew I wasn't going to do well because I just put no work in and I didn't want to graduate because I was scared
35:53 of the real world. So I didn't know what I wanted to do. Well, I will say, I don't agree with exams at all. Like I was not an exam, I was quite clever like throughout the school year
36:02 and when it would come to exams, I'd like flop. It is a lot of pressure. I don't think they do it anymore. I think now it's all this kind of constant. Yeah, I don't like that pressure. What's it called?
36:12 Constant judgment. What's it called, Jo? Constant. I know what you mean. Constant school. Constant. It's consistency in school now where there really wasn't in our day.
36:23 Continuous assessment. Yes, that's one. Oh my God. We got that. Cut in all the crap that makes us stupid there, Jo. Please do. God. in school now where there really wasn't an RDA continuous assessment yes that's one oh my god cut in all the crap that makes us stupid there please do god he's like
36:29 we've got three minutes for this the wheel yeah I just remember I really liked my outfit what was your outfit I had this like
36:40 heavily studded do you remember that denim jacket that H&M you have one as well and then like skin tight pleather flares
36:47 oh that's good I actually wore a very Joanne outfit that day the full pink like a neon highlighter full pink what Joanne and I
36:55 are doing the late late show and we we showed each other each other's outfit in the car and said we're literally going to look like that Stabilo highlighter
37:02 I don't know if we can wear those outfits we're Paddy and Selma we can it's like when Cheryl who I love remember
37:12 Cheryl turned up in America in the purple orange and blue turquoise outfit it was iconic I don't know who did it to her
37:20 we don't know how it happened someone stitch her up there was too much block colouring anyway I don't know what we're going to her up there was too much block colouring anyway I don't know what we're going to do about the late lights
37:27 someone's going to have to someone's going to have to think about their outfit again it's going to be a stare off on the day well the problem is I don't give a shit if I go on like a highlight
37:35 besides you you care I don't I think between wait until you see the two outfits well ask Ryan can we just sit very far apart
37:43 yeah let's bring him some sunglasses too we are like little highlighters I was in the American Embassy the other day getting
37:52 trying to get a visa what a big big building right big building and I in my naivety thought I was just
38:00 going to make an appointment like the post office and go in and they were like oh Joanne Carol at desk 9 we'll oh Joanne Carol at desk 9 we'll see you now Carol at desk 9
38:07 yeah how long were you there for there wasn't a fucking snip of that how long did it take you two hours that's not that bad isn't it
38:15 two hours I don't think it's that bad you've just got a lot of and do you know who was in the queue and I was like do you know when you recognise someone and was like I know him I know him
38:22 he's famous and he had the air of fame about him as well you know the way they're kind of like they just you know the way they had
38:29 there's a confidence to them who was it it was wrecking my head and then I was like it was your man Louis from One Direction I think pretty sure
38:37 little dude good looking Louis oh I wouldn't really fancy Louis now to be honest that's him really
38:44 you met Louis from One Direction now well would we say meet yeah okay so what you're saying is you and Louis from One Direction
38:50 are great pals did you get Harry's number from me go give him a twirl what was I going to say to you oh yeah no it doesn't matter actually
39:00 I don't think I would give Harry a twirl I'm joking about it I don't think I would I'd give him a twirl just to scab his jumps. I don't think I would. I'd give him a twirl just to scab his jumpsuits off him. Yeah, that's true. Actually, I'd like a little...
39:10 Great style. Why don't you go on into his wardrobe? I'd love it. We're probably about the same size as well. Same height. Did you watch anything to do with the Met Gala? So, the Met Gala. As we know,
39:23 I find it hard to care and I don't think I'm alone in that this year was entertaining because of the cats
39:33 the cats well it wasn't meant to be about the cat it was actually meant to be about Karl Lagerfeld but it was really about his cat it was about his cat
39:40 Shoupet Shoupet Shoupet that's a nice name good looking cat. Fair. Well, I mean, it's Karl Lagerfeld.
39:48 He's not going to have a minging cat. No, he won't have a rotten cat. No. He's not into munters, our Karl. No. He's a real thing about munters, actually. He does say the real thing. I wouldn't say Karl
39:59 was like an absolute ten himself. He certainly wasn't. Excuse you, Karl. He brought out a diet book in 2003, which now just would not be published. was like an absolute 10 himself he certainly wasn't excuse you Carl he brought out a diet book in 2003 which now just would not be published a diet book
40:10 that he just didn't eat a diet book Carl Argyfos the only liquid he consumed was Diet Coke he drank nothing else no water
40:17 no coffee no nothing he says he drank it all day and all night and then his big his big splurge what did he eat his big splurge
40:24 was an extra piece of toast like it's all just look he's you know it is what it is he's anyway it doesn't matter it wasn't really about
40:32 Karl Lagerfeld it was about his cat she pet that cat turned 11 last August do you know what it did for his birthday it went in a private jet
40:39 and had champagne on a private jet and balloons and champagne licked champagne off the ground the cat was gifted 1.3 million
40:49 by Carl upon his death and also by the way has its own modelling deals so makes its own money as well the cat makes its own money
40:56 it's a nepo cat and there's no glory in that and also that cat needs to check its privilege because that is disgraceful I know
41:04 all I cared about was that there was human beings dressed up as cats it was like because that is disgraceful. I know. All I cared about was that there was human beings dressed up as cats. It was like a celebrity cruft for cats. I didn't know who was who and I was like, these are all going to go missing now. There's going to be missing cat posters
41:13 all over wherever it is now tomorrow when they're all face down with their own vomit drugged out of it in some party. Which I'm just jealous I'm not at, to be honest. I am not really jealous now. Do you know what, right?
41:24 50 grand a ticket by the way now. It was 30. And Lizzo says they're real scabby on the booze. You don't get you don't get booze and stuff like that. They don't want you drunk.
41:33 Real scabby on the booze. Someone came up to her she says you're just queuing for ages to get this photo on the red carpet and then you get on and then you come off they go do you want a glass of red?
41:41 She's like I want a fucking bottle of tequila. Like she says they're real tight on the booze and the food no point going to I did see pictures of the food
41:49 and I'm just not I'm not interested in that shit I went to what's that the CFDA's or the CDFA's the fashion awards
41:55 in New York and we went and it was in it was Tom Ford was hosting it and I was absolutely thrilled to be going with Sven
42:02 and we went and the food was just so shit I thought are you really giving me three fucking leaves of salad here like I'm not into that
42:10 I guess don't bother I guess it's all I mean if Anna Wintour is organising an event it's not going to be it's not there's not going to be
42:17 chips and nuggets just give nice food though I just can't stand do you know Anna Wintour we invoke I want to go to the Met Gala yeah there you go you know that we
42:26 and you're on board with me one thing we're not a fan of is self indulgence yeah and so we sometimes have to check ourselves is that a bit self indulgent when we spoke about that
42:35 we do try to check ourselves I'm sure we don't always get it right yeah but the Met Gala to me all that celebrity stuff especially at the moment I don't know why
42:43 it just seems so up its own hole I'll tell you what though the Met Gala I'm telling you even looking at them I'm actually not like I'm not interested
42:51 I wouldn't no I wouldn't want to go I'm telling you what that is boring it looks so it looks so fucking boring it is 100% boring and it's 50 grand a ticket
43:00 like where does that money go by the way that's the thing they're not spending it on the biz no they're not so where's it going for the food oh hold on it's going to the thing they're not spending it on the booze no they're not so where's it going for the food oh hold on
43:05 it's going to the Met Gala oh yeah it's going to the Met it's going to the Met it's going to the Met they're lying in their pockets it's going nowhere Anna Wintour's going out
43:25 with Bill Nighy is she going out with him well they made their red carpet debut at the Met Gala who thought I think he's
43:31 I think he's got a I think he's sexy there's something sexy about him yeah and look how happy she looks in the face I've never seen her
43:38 look that happy of course Anna Wintour is smiling away I'd say her fella's strung out in the Viagra all men take it eventually it's just part of the
43:46 ageing process but maybe he's not I mean he is allegedly oh come on of course the fucker is you don't know that
43:54 for sure I was going out with this lad once and we went into this chemist and bought all this Viagra and I was like you don't even need it and he goes
44:00 yeah I know I just want it and he didn't need it he really didn't need it so I've never yeah I've never I've never tried Viagra
44:08 with anyone I have you've done it yourself sure I've got nothing off it now I have to say well that's strange yeah
44:16 it might be something to do with the fact that you don't have a dick it's not working it's not working how dare you assume I don't have a dick the thing with Viagra is It's not working. It's not working. How dare you assume I don't have a dick.
44:28 The thing with Viagra is from my personal experience in women Viagra could increase blood flow to the female genital area including lubrication fucking hell maybe I'm going to try some
44:38 increasing lubrication and aiding orgasm. I mean I I don't know. I didn't I don't know. I mean't, I don't know. I mean, do you really want to swell and labia for the day?
44:47 The problem with the Viagra is... I kind of would actually, yeah, because I think that like, that makes it look younger and nicer. It's so plump. Look how plump your lips are. Are you wearing gloss? The problem is, the lad doesn't,
45:04 he doesn't finish there's no like he just goes and goes and goes and I'm pretty sure I was with the lad in Viagra once and he faked it
45:12 which I was very surprised at I was like hold on that's my job what the fuck I think he faked it because I think he I think he faked it
45:20 because well I won't go into the details but I just think he did because I think he was also bored it, well, I won't go into the details, but I just think he did because I think he was also bored. It's like, this is going on hours now. It does get to a point though where it's like,
45:30 you know, I've had enough now. Oh, completely, but then he wanted to go again and I was like, anyway, whatever, it doesn't matter. The point is,
45:35 it goes on and on and on and on and on for days. I've only got three minutes of me and if I'm on top of two. Oh, listen, I'm like, I need a handrail up there now. Don't leave me up there.
45:45 I need someone pushing me From the back A handrail To keep me down Sometimes Sometimes He does Yeah
45:55 Lifting me up and down Because I've obviously Lost movement to my legs And he's like Just keep moving Keep moving I'm like I can't I need to
46:03 I'm gone I actually need to be put on a track two knees on a track like Ski Electric so that you can move easier because it really like Jo it is tough work
46:11 it's like doing a squat it's tough work up there yeah you're squatting you're doing what's that called a squat pulse is it a squat pulse we're squat pulsing and we're tired
46:20 thank you very much everyone I'm delighted to be back are you happy to be back I'm tired. Thank you very much everyone for, I'm delighted to be back, Sean. Are you happy to be back? I'm actually really happy to be back. Me too. I really, really am. We've missed you. I, do you know what? It's so nice being back in the studio.
46:35 I don't know, when was the last time we were in the studio? A long time ago. Is it years ago? Say goodbye already. Geez, I can't get rid of her. Sorry. Do I have anything else? Say goodbye. Do I have nothing else to say I hope
46:46 I hope not anything else
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