My Therapist Ghosted Me - Moirologists, Seagulls & Sober October

Episode Date: October 14, 2022

There, see? That wasn't too long to wait, was it?! Vogue & Joanne are back, so we can all just take a breath and decide whether or not we should be joining in with 'sober October.' If you'd like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThank you!

This is a Global Player original podcast. Hello and welcome to My Therapist Ghosted Me with me, Vogue Williams and Joanne McNally. We are delighted to be back. McNally. We are delighted to be back. Hoof. It's such a disgusting word. And Joe, the way you said it, it's even worse. A hoof. On the hoof. Oh, gross. I don't mind. I don't mind

hoof, Joe. I thought... No. I didn't find that offensive at all. I won't say it again. Hoof. Hoof. Hoofuda. There's certain words. That really made me go, hoof, hoofuda. There's certain words. That really made me go, oh, gross. Why do I think it's a fanny, by the way? I don't know why. I'm sorry I brought it up so early on in the pod.

But is that what it means, a hoof? Fuck's sake, foe. Grownie back. Jesus Christ. We're not even on 30 seconds. I watched the Jeffrey Dahmer show on Netflix and he had a sexual um fascination with well dead bodies and janet like well I was gonna say genitals but I guess that is what sex is anyway what I'm saying is I can't wait for the documentary about you oh yeah do you know I watched I watched I'd say three minutes of that it was before I went to meet you and Ewan for a drink.

And it took me four drinks to get the fear out of myself. I couldn't watch a show like that. That is absolutely terrible. Firstly, it's one of the best pieces of television I've ever seen. It is. Netflix's most watched show, supposedly. Is it the most watched?

Because I knew it was up there. But then I kind of did a deep dive. Joe, have you watched it? Yeah, I did a couple. Horrifying. Fell off. It's brilliant.'s not something, it's almost like it's fascinating, that's what it is It's really well made and it's fascinating

and I watched it One night I was watching it before I went on stage and I was like Joanne this isn't the right throw on a bit of shit screen there That's how Joanne gets in the mood to entertain you guys, just murder and death but it was just, but it is I because you do that's how Juwan gets in the mood to entertain you guys just murder and death but it was just it was too

but it is I think the thing that's so fascinating about it is that he was just a middle class he looked he looked normal

that was the whole thing he just looked so normal he looked normal but he was also the sloppiest murderer in the world like they went in and like spoiler

if you haven't watched it just switch off for 10 seconds. There were heads just lying around the apartment and shit. He had a head in a fridge. They're like, watch every time I kill people. Vogue, you've ruined it. We thought it was a cookery show.

It's so dark. And his poor neighbor, he was like listening to him, saw people up through the vents. I know. And they didn't listen to her. But you know what else? I was, it's like another show that like kind of caught me off guard uh it was a movie Spenny put it on and it was it's called Fresh and I was like oh my god

I love this this is right up my street it was like it was like a I love the word fresh as well it's like a romantic comedy it's so nice and then the real shit started happening and I was like why would you why would you do this to me like that will affect me for a week then I think of my own demise and I'm like I spiral What's Fresh about? Well, spoiler alert again he basically takes girls in and

cuts their arses off and stuff like that and eats bits of their body and sells it to people but keeps them alive. I could deal with a bit of that that sounds like a good treatment that I'd be into now Will I get his number for you? Please If you could just cut a bit of that that sounds like a good treatment that I'd be into now will I get his number for you please if you could just cut a bit of that arse off there

I'd be thrilled if he's interested in doing a collab if you'd like to cut off a bit of my arse and just raise it slightly and put it on my shoulders that'd be great he doesn't raise it

no it goes it goes you don't get it back but yeah so the Jeffrey Dahmer thing I have to say I kind of dipped in and dipped out it took me ages to watch it

but it is I will say fascinating I like dark stuff and there was even points where I was like I can't this is too took me ages to watch it but it is I will say fascinating I like dark stuff and there was even points where I was like I can't this is too much I need I need to watch it with tally tubbies or something to rebalance myself I nearly had to take a propanenol after that honestly it was too much for me I seriously and then I did a bit well I say a bit of a deep dive I read like two other articles on it not to pretend I did a Stacey Dooley on it. Studying hard.

You know, I read a couple of linked articles on it and the families were saying it's a disgrace and you're kind of glorifying him and it drags all of the families, which I kind of also agree with. I do agree with their point, but also I think it's too interesting a story not to tell. I know, but you know what?

I think that as well, the Fred and Rosemary West stuff is absolutely terrifying. And they were over here and that was like in our lifetime. Like we were alive when they were doing all that shit to people.

It just feels like if the footage isn't black and white, it wasn't in our lifetime. It wasn't. Oh my God, did you hear? I came in one night, sometimes I like to surprise my mum and not tell her I'm coming home

just so I see what she's up to. I'm like my own personal nanny cam. I just arrived at the door and I burst'm coming home just so I see what she's up to. I'm like my own personal nanny cam. I just arrived at the door and I burst in with a key just to see what she's up to. Is she ever doing anything weird? No, the weirdest thing I found her doing was, she's just sitting in her chair having a drink, watching Tally. But the weirdest thing I found her doing was she was watching, because she wouldn't be into, you know, crime or death or, you know, incest, the things we love. I don't love any of that shit. Thank you very much.

I like it from the sidelines. Jo, she lives we love. I don't love any of that shit. Thank you very much. I like it from the sidelines. Jo, she lives for it. I'm telling you. Lives for death. You. It's like when, yeah, when Joanne said... You've got a family in your basement.

I'm convinced of it. Those ones are terrifying as well. I don't, like, imagine being Joseph Fritzled. What the fuck? I know. She was watching a documentary on Myra Hindley

and Rosemary West. Oh God, yeah. Did you know that they went out in prison? Oh God, that's such a hideous thought. They were full-blown lovers. They ended up in the same prison

and they had a full-blown relationship. And then apparently on this documentary, yeah, they went out. Now you would, there's so much in common. Well, Myra was also apparently way more unhinged than Rose.

Now obviously they're both completely demonic, but apparently someone killed Myra's canary no killed Rose's canary she had a canary in her prison cell and someone killed it

now again I think this is what happened she shouldn't be allowed to have a canary you're dead right what did the canary do to get fucked well the canary's

in a prison already so you're putting a prison in a prison it's like a Russian doll situation anyway someone killed a canary and apparently Rose was devastated about it

they're like how could you do how could you do that what sort of person are you to kill a canary oh And apparently Rose was devastated about it. They're like, how could you do that? What sort of person are you to kill a canary? Oh, this is what it was. It was Myra. Because they were like, you killed kids, Myra. And she goes, yeah, but they weren't my own.

Oh my God. Yeah, that was her defense. She was absolutely fuming about the canary. Now you might want to fact check that, Jo. Oh, great. Don't let a fact get in the way of a good story. But you're dead right in prison. They shouldn't have any joy.

They certainly should not be able to have canaries. What's next? No canaries. I feel like if I was in prison, like I would make a little, I'd make a little gym circuit for myself. My room would be spotless, obviously. I would win awards for making my bed.

You'd be fucked in prison. You'd be fucked. Your roommate would kill you. What are you talking about? How dare you I'd be the one tunneling myself out even in that hotel room

less than five minutes look at that Joanne you wouldn't be arsed tunneling yourself out you'd be thrilled sitting there you wouldn't want to go

anywhere you'd be like yes I've got a few days off I'd love it all the prison food I'd be in my element I'd love to eat my spend the rest of my life eating sludge with a spork fucking love it I'd be it. All the prison food. I'd be in my element. I'd love to eat my spend the rest of my life

eating sludge with a spork. Fucking love it. I'd be like, I'm not used to this style, this caliber of food. This is Michelin in comparison to what I'm used to eating. By the way,

before you go any further, speaking of tour, Australia and New Zealand are on sale. New Dubai is on sale and New York is on sale. I was on to Rick today. You know, Oi, oi, oi,

my agent. Oi, oi, oi today you know Rick oi oi my agent oi oi and by the way when this podcast goes out our tour is on sale now yeah yes it is yeah

so you're going to New York going to New York but I was looking at the itinerary for Australia and I was like Rick can I get a day off or like you're going to be

touring a corpse like can I actually it's fucking back to back how long are you in Australia for? A month and a half, I guarantee he's online now trying to bail out Michael Jackson's doctor so that he can get me into some fucking working state

What state are you doing most because there's loads of Irish over in Australia Yeah well I mean that's where I'm going Expats I'd say they get sent loads of like that's when they get sent loads of Tato and stuff

their mom sends them loads of stuff I think Denabonday is where all the gha people live I don't know why we pretend that the second we leave Ireland you suddenly have a horn

for Tato and Helm and see don't I do I do and I did a call out on this poxy pod and I didn't get anything not one

packet of crisps. Sorry, new series, new strategy. No more call outs unless, like we said this before, something decent. Excuse me. A box of salt and vinegar

hunky-dory is decent to me. You can fucking order them for yourself. You can't. My decent and your decent are very different things. Joanne wants a Dyson Hoover. I want a box of crisps.

Actually, a woman from Curry's got on to me offering me a Dyson hairdryer. But I lost her in the DMs. Can I be honest? I think you've got too much hair for a Dyson hairdryer. I'm not being bad. You do. No, a hairdryer? What are you on about?

Yes, you do. I'm sorry, but you need a, what is it called? The GHD one will be quickest on your hair. I'm telling you. I'm not Chewbacca you are Chewbacca you are Chewbacca sometimes you have to do two ponies in your hair

because you've got so much hair oh my god Jo blow drying my legs and everything let me tell you something about Joanne she's a sicko I was sitting with her right

she eats the orange skin she eats the skin from an orange no you don't she does she sat there and she eats her orange skin she eats the skin from an orange no you don't she does she sat there and she eats a hair

do you want folk it wasn't I eat the skin on a melon and a kiwi not an orange I'm not completely insane when you were having

that drink when we went out that was orange and I was like you're eating an orange skin I was just chewing it that's nervous energy I'd chew anything

on the table there your leg was there I'd chew that anything do you just. It was very kiwi. Your leg was there. I'd chew that. Anything. Do you just like take a bite into a kiwi? Like is that how you eat them? I eat them like an apple. Yeah, it builds your immunity. It's good for gut health. It probably is actually. It's good fibre.

The woman who drank her own piss on Bear Grylls, I'm very surprised that you're outraged that I eat the skin of an orange. Do you know what? It's only because I'm so competitive like I was really before I drank that piss I was like I can't I can't drink piss

because like it's that will stick with me that's what everyone will always say about me because I'm so competitive I was like I'm drinking the piss I would have drank

drank anyone's piss that's the attitude yeah give me your piss I'll drink it joanna you haven't even noticed that i'm in a different area oh why am i missing something no i've just said so i'm no longer in the dressing room i've been moved the little thing okay so what have you like I mean how do we even do our week

because we haven't been together in so long I have nothing to say I honestly bar the tour I've no I've done nothing except stand on stage

honestly I've done nothing but work I haven't done anything fun I am doing something that you won't be happy about I'm doing Sober October are you?'t be happy about I'm doing Sober October are you?

yeah well now I started late because it was my birthday on the 2nd of October so I got to start late yeah so I yeah obviously

I was so violently hungover that Sunday so violently hungover that I napped on the couch can you imagine me lying on my couch napping I had to do that

that's how bad I was folk like come on now let's how bad I was folks like come on now let's not pretend I haven't seen you like you are you're prone to a nap now

now those naps those naps would happen after a heavy drinking session at like three in the morning these naps are happening the next afternoon I think it's brilliant

that you're doing Sober October I didn't drink for three days and then Prada Peter picked me up from the airport and he was like what's going on with your skin you look so young and I was like wow I haven't drink for three days and then Prada Peter picked me up from the airport and he was like what's going on with your skin? You look so young. I was like wow. I haven't drank in three days.

Still this is your third day. Do you know what? Your eyes look really blue. It's five now. Yeah but look how blue your eyes look. I was honestly going to say that to you earlier. That's because the yellow has gone from them. The liver failure has started to reverse itself five days in. no more red eyes

that terrified me he was like Prada Peter was like your face has shrank he actually said that to me oh my god I never really see that with you you always think

you get a bloated face when you drink you don't how long are you staying off the booze for I just I'm just not really feeling it at the moment

what I don't know I think I may have finally hydrated myself I think I may finally have drank all the wine I think I. I don't know. I think I may have finally hydrated myself. I think I may finally have drank all the wine. I think I'm, I don't know. I'm just not feeling it at the moment. I don't know why. I feel like when you start seeing the benefits, like don't get me wrong. I'm definitely going to be going on an absolute bender at the end of October. But when like,

I feel like, like this week has been so busy and because I haven't been drinking, I'm like, thank God I haven't started this week in a ball of anxiety really hung over just feeling like shit catching up on myself it's really nice to be fresh it's so nice to be fresh and I haven't been fresh in so long that I kind of forgot what it feels like now I have to say the shows aren't as much crack for me personally I will say that they're just not like because they're on on, because the crowd, the audience are on it. You'd want to be on the same level as them. But anyway, but I just. You'd only be like two drinks in anyway on stage.

You don't drink that much. I wouldn't even be that much to be honest. I'd have a drink on stage, maybe one before. I thought it'd be great. But, I just feel the party may finally be over. I think the party's over.

Do you know what? I think everyone really kicked the shit out of the summer like I kicked the shit out of summer yeah and that's why I'm just like I need to have and the summer obviously

went till the end of September so like I'm the same and I'm not even a big drinker I'm like I remember I used to just drink once every three weeks I used to just be like

oh no I'm just like an occasional binge drinker I became like a not occasional binge drinker fully fledged binger and I think if you're burning the candle at both ends

you know you can't you can't survive you can't hydrate with alcohol you just can't do it and because my lifestyle is boozy

shows boozy trains airplanes I'm like oh I'm in an airport again have a drink it's like Joanne

you're in an airport nine times a week you can't like you're not going on holidays Joanne you're going to work it's not the same week you can't like you're not going on holidays Joanne you're going to work it's not the same thing you can't have pint

and porridge at 8am you're not going to Benidorm with the girls you're going to work yeah no you can't do it the airport rules don't apply to you my airport rules

are very different to yours I get myself a bag of crisps a chocolate bar and I'm allowed to have a 500ml of Coke Zero because I'm going wild

because I'm in the airport so that's what I do in the airport those three bits I don't I'm sick of have a 500ml of Coke Zero because I'm going wild because I'm in the airport. So that's what I do in the airport. Those three bits, I don't, I'm sick of those. You disgust me. That's what I do. You disgust me.

Sometimes I get a sandwich and I immediately regret it because it's so wet and cold. I was on the train today coming up, I'm in Belfast and doing the SSE tonight and tomorrow. Oh my God, that train's the best train. It's the only train that first class actually means something different in Ireland.

Usually the first class just means you're fucking, you have to walk six miles to the carriage. It's the only train that first class actually means something different in Ireland usually the first class just means you're fucking you have to walk six miles to the carriage it's the exact same seats except the toilet door actually locks

that's usually the first the first class experience they're so funny so you come out there's a black there's one black cab outside the train station and your man's asking

everyone where they're going he piles us all in shut up all of us in a black cab there's americans he's like you can walk it's just up there they're so confused they've never been your man's talking himself out of business because there's one black couch on take everyone from the train so you're doing like a little tour of the city before he drops you to hotel it's like a school bus it's so funny that's like uber pool do they still do that it's like it's like uber pool

that you don't do. No, I've never done it. Because you don't want to get in a cab with strangers. I've done it by accident though, Uberpool. It's the worst. It's the worst. But I'm like accidentally

fucking twerking on top of this strange lad's face to get into this black cab. I hate that. Anyway, what was my point? Oh yeah,

I was on the train on the way up and this man offered to buy me a wine. Not in a sexual way now, but he was just being nice and I said, the train on the way up and this man offered to buy me a wine not in a sexual way but he was just being nice and I said do you know what daddy

you're fine no Jesus Christ who is this woman I was telling Spenny actually so the other day I got the tube I'm a huge fan of the tube

and fair enough maybe it's because I don't get it that often but only because it's not near us but I've decided like that would be the place to be

if you're trying to pick someone up. Honestly. Rides getting on, rides getting off, everyone's making eye contact, someone's offering you a seat. That is the place to be. Man, now that if you see

Vogue Williams on the tube, she is there in a predatory form. That's exactly it. I'm ready to pounce. Offer me a seat and I'm yours. Okay? Lock up your wives.

No, lock up your husbands. Lock up your boyfriends. The second they start descending into the tube, they're in Vogue's clothes. In my clutches, it's my spider's web. You think that,

but then I've never, I've never, like there are a lot of hot guys in the tube. There's no denying it. But there's not a lot of sexual chemistry on the tube.

When someone's, like this fella the other day, he kept, he kept like giving me, like looking at me and I knew he was going to offer me a seat. Oh God, I had my scooter with me. I'm so embarrassing. He was going to offer me.

You had a scooter. You obviously thought you were on day release. Who the fuck brings a scooter on a tube? Disgusting. Do you know what I was thinking? I was thinking I might invest in an electric scooter. I know. I live in an awkward area. There's no tube. How do I get to the tube? If I had an electric scooter, I'd just scoot invest in an electric scooter. I know. I live in an awkward area.

There's no tube. How do I get to the tube? If I had an electric scooter, I'd just scoot there on my electric scooter. I think you'd look great. Do you? I wasn't going to. I'm not finished. Okay.

On a moped. I have a moped. No, that's a Vespa. I'm not into Vespas. Oh, Joanne, how are you not into that blue? It's a baby blue Vespa. Actually, if anyone can help on here, please email Jo. I cannot drive that Vespa because we bought it.

The scooter shop closed down. It hasn't been registered and I have no logbook for it. So it's just like a scooter, like literally floating in air. I can't register it. So I can't scoot around on it. So it's sitting in my basement and it's so annoying. So if you get, do you mean if you get pulled over for speeding on that Vespa? Well, they'll be like, well, that's not a real reg plate. Like you need to register the car. I can't register it because I can't find the log book. The scooter shops close and it's not taxed. Oh, so you can't tax it unless you find the log book basically. Yeah. So it's basically an ornament. Oh, sell it on the dark web.

No, I don't want to sell it on the dark web. I really like it. So if anyone works in the DVLA, give me a call. Okay? I'm also willing to chip in so that I can see you on a scooter flying through Battersea. I just think they're a bit gimmicky. I'm telling you, that's a personal ick for me now, a man in a Vespa.

Oh my God. Well, Jamie loves flying around on his. Exactly. We already established neither of us would ride him Yeah that is very true Actually very true Oh my god Do you know what I did Which I thought was a big thing

And I'm not being mean Okay I just don't want People's Naked bodies In my face I don't know I just have a weird thing about it

I just don't want to see it Sometimes I'm just like Not again I unfollowed Britney I had to do it It was time it was time it was time let's we all need to tread very carefully around poor Britney I love Britney right I love her I loved her dancing what she used to do I don't love having

to see nearly nearly nakedness I think not for me feel, I do feel sorry for her kids as well because they were pissed off about the naked shit and then when people say they're pissed off about the naked shit she keeps like pushing more on it

but like Instagram, go to OnlyFans. Go to OnlyFans. I don't think it's OnlyFans worthy. I mean she does put little flowers over her nips. I think,

no, flowers over her nips. I can see a flap. Where do you see it? You can't, no, you can't. I,

well she's got the tiniest she's got a lovely vagina I'm sure because it must be very small Brittany she didn't come up because I don't follow her so I

I think with her the vibe is as we know she's been silenced she feels like she's had her voice taken away from her that now she's like screaming from the rooftops

she wants to express herself and part of that is nakedness to be honest is it any worse than like the slave video where she had a snake wrapped around her neck? Oh my God. She was sweating and riding like she was coming up. No, come on.

It is. It's different. It's different. It just is different. I know. Oh God, and I do. I love her. I think she's so great, but not for me.

So that was my big thing of the week I think Instagram Instagram is an interesting insight into people's psyche I've said it before you always know

when someone's broken up with someone because suddenly there's like loads of thirst traps and there's all these kind of passive aggressive memes about shedding skin

I love shedding the snake in their life I know but I do love a thirst trap I mean I'm not really one to talk

like when I look as we know I had the beef beef post but like I could go through and there's like I used to go to the beach

and be like Amber take a picture of me in my bikini and do all these poses standing in my bikini like an absolute loser there you go you see

you were too Brittany well I had a bikini, I had a bikini on. I had a bikini on. Oh yeah, this one messaged me. Just a quick one for you. I did a mandatory

marriage course 17 years ago prior to wedding. It was a Catholic rule back in the day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wonder if it's still. It probably is.

I bloody wish I'd gone to one of them. in the day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wonder if it's still. It probably is. I bloody wish I'd gone to one of them. Really? Yeah. Not with Spencer, obviously. Oh, sorry. Actually, yeah, with Spencer.

The priest would have intervened. Yeah, don't do it! Don't do it. Yeah. My mother should have intervened. Do you know whose fault my divorce is? Not mine.

It's my mother's. She should have done something about it. Right? fault my divorce is? Not mine. It's my mother's. She should have done something about it. Right? Not my fault. Just a quick one for you. I did a mandatory marriage course 17 years ago prior to wedding. I sat at the back with my partner and another couple who were friends of ours. A lady came into the room and advised us that she would be discussing relationships with us.

She went on to discuss sex and how to instigate sexual activities with your partner. There were lads at the front with their notepads out frantically scribbling and she asked them to stop and listen as she was about to give a very important message. We all sat up and listened attentively and then she said

boys this one is for you. In speech quotes. The vagina does not appreciate a direct attack. We nearly fell off our chairs laughing as she went on to disclose how her particular vagina liked her husband

to creep up on it and hang around a bit before entering. The vagina does not, I repeat, appreciate a direct attack. I was like, what an amazing message

to send to young men everywhere and old men and dead men and men who are not born yet. It does not appreciate a direct attack. Put your guns down. Oh my God, a direct attack. Put your guns down. Oh my God.

A hundred percent. I totally get that. It's not an assault course. Calm down. Take a breather. Have a sandwich. And stop blowing on it. Stop blowing on it.

We don't like. That's quite personal to you now, Vogue. I don't mind. I don't mind. Okay. Okay. Blow on Joanne's. Blow on mine. Blow on mine blow on mine

feel free play mine like a flute that's fine no problem with that play a little tune on mine three blind mice three blind mice but yeah

does not appreciate direct attack I was like wow like I've there's grown men who should know better who need that advice do you know what I mean?

Oh my God. You see the difference is they do they do men do appreciate a direct attack. Put the bells and whistles away. You don't need a fucking

do you know the air traffic controllers on the ground with the lights and all that kind of stuff. You don't need that. You just you know where you're going. Just be gentle.

I want I want be gentle as well. Be gentle. It's not a shark attack. Do you know what I mean? It's not going to be coming away with teeth marks

and all. Just fucking take your time. Take your time. Everyone just calm the fuck down. That's all I can say. Stop digging for something that's not what's meant to happen, okay?

Don't dig. Leave it alone. Don't touch it at all actually. Just look at it for ages. Like U like you regaler bend it like a spoon good news this week and i do love having good news and we spoke with this on the pod before and the fact that it's actually been reversed i i absolutely love it and so Sylvester Stallone and his wife have halted their divorce to work on resolving their issues

I'm so confused did he not have her face tattooed on his arm and then had it re-tattooed had it covered with the face of a bulldog or something I can completely he is like the same as me the rage I feel when I fight with somebody which is rare but if I fight with somebody I'm like right like I don't know how Spenny's clothes aren't like ripped up or burnt

in any of her fights because that I get really rageful in the heat of the moment so that's like I'd be like divorce divorce so that's what he did I mean if you if you fought with your husband and got your face covered up that would it would that is a bit of a power play move you would think oh right it's not probably really over this time I guarantee, and again, I've no facts to back this up, but I guarantee he was cheating on her, 100% guaranteed, wasn't her for sure

I don't know, would Sylvester Stallone you don't know, Sylvester Stallone would he still be riding, let's see what age he is of course he fucking would, their marriage was 25 years, what age is he he doesn't look like he'd be up to much riding. I'll be honest with you. Bill Clinton was getting a blowjob in the Oval Office.

Do you not think Sylvester Stallone is pulling in the birds? Oh, Christ. I'd hate to give Bill Clinton a blowjob. Bill Clinton has a head like a beanbag. Sylvester Stallone is still good looking. Now, what I will say about Bill Clinton, Joanne, right? He might have a head like a beanbag. Supposedly, though, when he walks into a room,

he's very charismatic. I guarantee you, you would be on your knees within minutes of meeting Bill Clinton. I know you. Well, the other thing is that Sylvester is hardly lacking charm himself. I'm just saying, if Bill's doing it, Sylvester's doing it.

Sylvester's not charming. He's not charming. He's packing. He's beefed. He's ripped. He's turning into his mother. It's Sylvester Stallone. He's not charming. He's packing. He's beefed. He's ripped. He's turning into his mother. It's Sylvester Stallone. I do not.

I never fancied Sylvester Stallone. Come on. You'd ride him for the WhatsApp group chat alone. Oh, I'd ride him to tell my friends about it. Exactly. So I'm doing, I've started a new TV show. I can't say too much about it,

but it's very fun. And we're doing things around like death and like scary stuff and banshees and stuff like that. And I was lucky because like being an Irish person, the one thing you're most scared of is a banshee, aren't you, Joanne? I mean, OK. When you're younger, you are frightened of banshees, no? I thought it was famine. I thought famine was our thing, but no, fine, banshees. You can take famine. I was way more scared of banshees.

Apparently that's why every Irish person wants to buy land. It's in our blood that we're obsessed with kind of having land taken away from us and starving to death. I don't know. I just think it's a want for the property ladder. Anyway, sorry, vote.

Continue. So I was doing a little dive into banshees and what they are. And supposedly a banshee is a woman, right? Like there's these people they're called um what are they called i wrote it down it was a weird one no they're keening they keen at a graveside so they're these like they're basically like a professional mourner so they were these women that used to stand at a graveside and like

wail and like be bawling crying like obviously i'm definitely getting people like that at wife you know because the more the merrier. But there's still people that do that for a living. They mourn for people. Yeah, they're called moirologists. Listen. I thought they were just called

professional mourners, moirologists. Do you know what they look like? I don't know. They're not called moirologists for some reason. They're called moirologists. They are a moirologist.

There it is. Yeah. I wonder how much they're getting paid. But they're actors. You can get them in the UK and they're called Moirologists they are a Moirologist there it is yeah I wonder how much they're getting paid but they're actors you can get them in the UK and they're actors and they

people who can cry like look I mean the dream is that your funeral is kind of you know packed thereafter standing room only

screen out the front like Croke Park no one can get in everyone's screaming crying so the professional mourning thing is handy if

A you're the youngest of all your friends and everyone's dead ahead of you oh my god yes yes no I'll constantly

make friends I'll just refill the pot I won't have that happening to me no way I don't even I don't even care

if they're sound or not you can hire people or say someone dies in Australia and you're like I won't make it you can send someone to cry on your behalf.

But I was like, what I'll do is rent some lad who looks like Magic Mike. I'll die in my 80s, I'd say. And have him like kind of go up and mourn professionally and he'll cry and he'll keen at the altar

and he'll say it was the best lover he ever had. And then he'll set fire to himself and protest. Oh my God. But listen, if you're going to die, do it in China. Why? They have the best professional mourners. oh my god but listen if you're gonna die do it in China why?

they have the best professional mourners I was reading this piece about this woman she's like apparently she used to work in a department store but then she was let go so she was looking for

a new type of employment and basically she goes in to funerals and instead of you know the way in comedy you warm them up she just basically cools them down

so she gets them all emotional she wears pigtails she talks about the person, she cries, she brings belly dancers with her, she'll wail, she'll roll around to the ground hysterical and then she'll pull the corpse out of the coffin and kind of carry it around.

Yeah, she goes big. I don't want someone taking attention away from me as well. I know I'm dead but it's very important that my funeral runs smoothly. Oh yeah, 100%. Yeah. I'll be dragging you

out of the coffin. I'll be fucking stuffing you and putting you back in the podcast. Like this bitch isn't going to die. We've got ad space to fill. And obviously, I'm very frightened

about dying on my own. So I saw this thing about this 3,000 year old mummy and basically she got buried with her husband no her husband died she got buried beside him and she's all wrapped up

around him and they worked it out that she would have been alive when she was buried so she took the boys and lay beside him and died so that's what I expect

from either you or Spencer you can between the both of you okay imagine we spooned each other for eternity Joanna

it'd be so cute. Well, like I say, Rick's not going to let me die. He's going to have me disemboweled and then he's going to stand me on stage with a spotlight on me and shove his hand up through my body and move my mouth with his hand. So you can...

Oh, sorry, just before we move on. Do you know that the colour of mourning in China, it's white. They all look like J-Lo at funerals. Isn't that gorgeous? Head to toe white instead of the black. I think white would be better. But now, because of our weather, you look better in black. So I think it's white they all look like J-Lo at funerals isn't that gorgeous head to toe white instead of the black I think white would be better but now because of our weather

you look better in black so I think it's more suited for us to have black I don't know I thought it was kind of I'd do a little red a little red number at your funeral

I like a lot of floral and I want a professional mourner just to get people in the mood to cry people find it hard to cry these days just two or three two or three professional mourners

just get the ball rolling start it off I want to have like a VIP area I want like a red rope do you know what I mean like one of those like a queue

to get into like one of those clubs in LA you would get that as well and also I'm going to give people little quarter bottles of wine to smash on your coffin that's gorgeous

I've really thought about it and when my exes turn off the bounce he'll be like not tonight lads not tonight yeah fuck off

yeah not even in death you wanker I just like the idea of going in as a whole family dressed in white like P. Diddy

like white furs and stuff dark sunglasses P. Diddy's absolutely chic although he got completely pied by Kanye

did he? Kanye's obviously having an absolute there's too much to talk about I'm not going into Kanye We can't even go there But what I will say is

P Diddy Puff Daddy Whatever his name is Puffy P He came out and he was like Everyone's taking Kanye up the wrong way Like he's blah blah blah And then Kanye was like

Who's this fool? Or something It's me Puffy Daddy P Puff Puff Puff P puff puff puff I went to his concert in the Point Theatre in Dublin when I was younger with a bandana on my head and a bandana

around my boobs of course you did you were a Celtic Tiger baby didn't know one song I was thinking now that I am sober I was looking at

do you know the way Kate Moss has brought out this she's kind of jumped into the world of wellness. Cosmos. Cosmos. I do like the name Cosmos. It's just makes me laugh so much.

No disrespect to Kate. I think she's actually doing it in and out. I think she's kind of taking the piss. I think she's doing a spite skincare. I think she, I think she's taking the mick. I think she knows that wellness is kind of becoming a lot of wamp. It's been hijacked. And I think she's in on the joke. Like her perfume, she's taken the mic I think she knows that wellness is kind of becoming a load of wamp it's been hijacked

and I think she's in on the joke like her perfume she's calling it an experience she's saying her face cream brings inner peace but yet she was chain smoking

through the launch of her CBD oil I think she knows that it's a load of wamp I think I'm not I'm not sure that she does know

I think that like if she thinks I think she's sitting there drinking her Dawn and Dusk teas. For 20 quid a pop, 20 quid for Dawn tea. Shut the hell up. What is Dawn tea?

Feel good tea. She's like, it'll make you feel good. If you can feel good off the back of a tea, you don't need it. Do you know what I mean? Like you don't need it.

If you don't feel well, seek medical professional help and get an antidepressant. One thing I would say, I probably would buy her Golden Nectar CBD just because I love CBD and I'm actually running out so I was looking for a new

brand to go for but she's actually charging through the nose because I think it's not like back in the day when he used to be buying Kate Moss's Topshop line. This is like she's known for clothes like I'm not. Did you know? So I was looking at it, so the wellness industry obviously it's fascinating because we know we've talked about this

before that everyone goes from kind of the sessions to shamans that there is because when you're pissed, so the wellness industry, obviously it's, it's fascinating because we know we've talked about this before that everyone goes from kind of the sessions to shamans that there is, because when you're pissed, so she's been sober since 2017, but when you're drinking and doing drugs, the time flies

because you're in a blackout most of the time. So when you come out of that, you have a lot of time to fill. So of course you have to have to meditate and fucking play bowls and shit. What else are you going to do

with your day? That is so true. That's so true. Honestly, your night, it's like it's six o'clock and then it's like, what's up? It's three o'clock in the morning. So of course you have to meditate. You have to kill time.

Oh God, I just, I can't get on meditating. So I was looking into it. So Goop is worth 250 million. Jessica Alba's Honest Company is worth 1.5 billion. Yeah, yeah. So I was like, do you know what? I'm really surprised that Gwyneth is only worth 250 million. Jessica Alba's Honest Company is worth 1.5 billion. Yeah. So I was like, I'm really surprised that Gwyneth is only worth 250 million. I know, but I guess she kind of jumped on the Honest Company was the first.

I thought Gwyneth was the first. I think it's for people who've got too much time and too much money. Do you know what I mean? You're not going to get personal enlightenment from a foot cream. However, I was like, I need to get in on this. I'm surprised you're not going to get personal enlightenment from a foot cream however I was like I need to get in on this I'm surprised you're not in the wellness world to be honest I'm a bit wellnessy I literally I'm looking at a candle I have a I have a perfect night's sleep candle

lit and I honestly it brings me a bit of joy I can't do any of that other like I don't meditate I don't do anything but come on Joanne we fall for everything. Every single skin cream, like we fall for all of it. I will say, and like I say, respect to her for kind of getting in on the wellness world.

But I think it's a little, she used to be called the tank because she could guzzle so much champagne in one go. They used to call it, they used to call it getting mossed. So she was saying, if you met her out

and you'd be up for three days, you were like, you said you got mossed at the weekend oh my god so anyway she sold her gaff moved to the Cotswolds

and now she has this new business called the Cosmos but I was like I get in on this I want to have my own business now that I've been off the booze for three days

four days five days five days by the time this goes out nothing to be sniffed by the time this goes out I'll probably be unbanged up abroad things will have escalated

in the space of 24 hours oh that reminds me Michaela McCollum's coming to the show tonight she DM'd me shut up yeah oh my god

yeah that's mad see if she'll take a little photo with me Michaela McCollum sorry everyone knows who she is they don't

they actually don't because I've spoken about her I had this kind of joke about her in stand up it wasn't bad or anything but em in England I don't know who she is they don't they actually don't because I've spoken about her I had this kind of joke about her in stand up it wasn't bad or anything but em in England I don't know who she is

not a lot of them named she wouldn't be the name that she is because she was you know she was an Irish drug mule so obviously you know you take pride in your own I'm absolutely shocked

that we never like honestly like just take this bag maybe like okay well I mean I think I could still get done for that I think the gals knew

I don't think I know they knew I know they knew what drugs was it again what drugs cocaine 11 kilograms under a sarong

11 kilograms of cocaine they were very I think genuinely just quite vulnerable girls who were they were young very much led astray

very much led astray I think your man gave her an acid tab and then packed her a suitcase and put her on a plane I think she thought she was she flew for my beat

I think she thought she was going to Malaga and she ended up in Peru something mad happened anyway she saw the plane on the back of the seat it's a great BBC documentary about it

it's high I think it's called it's really good it's worth a watch but anyway my wellness journey has begun will begin

from inner pissed to inner peace. That's my mantra. Okay, so what are we going to get from you? I haven't gotten that far. Like you honestly, I swear to God, five days her eyes have gone blue. Look at the white.

It's because your whites are so white that your other bits look blue. My liver has repaired itself so much that it's so large now. It's like popping out my stomach and stuff. Oh my god, well you look absolutely fantastic. Someone was asking me about, because Kate Moss has brought out a thing of vegan skincare

and they're like, oh is there usually animal products in skincare? And I was like, no I think it's I don't think it's that there's pedigree chum in skincare I think it's that they're tested on animals. So I'd book that trend, like a full meaty skincare, just do something different Joanne's going to have

some mince meat in there a bit of Bisto gravy for some texture yeah gravy granules it'll be like exfoliate with the gravy granules I just couldn't believe it

Jessica Alba 1.4 billion that's what she's I just have to hear I know now she looks great I'd be buying what she's selling to be honest with you

well that's not true that's actually dishonest because I'm not buying what she's selling, to be honest with you. Well, that's not true. That's actually dishonest because I'm not buying what she's selling. And she is selling stuff. Well, you are being your more authentic self, which is a sign that you are into wellness. I do have to say, it looks like I've got a shop in my bathroom with the Amenta Beauty products. I love them so much.

Anyone tells me that this will get rid of that. Now, one thing I will say, people have stopped telling me about things to get rid of my black bags under my eyes like i'm happy i think with them i think i was thinking we need you to be more affirmative if you don't want more advice take out the i things just say i'm happy with them i'm happy with the bags under my eyes there's nothing i can do about them they're just gonna stay there i think it's sexy it's sexy it's sexy what do you think about my mole I'm thinking about getting it removed no

what just that one Spenny goes to me he was like on our second date oh sorry I thought you meant the other one that one's fine you like that one

no get rid of that one get rid of that no no don't that's your thing and Spenny goes to me on our second date I noticed that one side of your face

has no moles and the other side has seven I was like does it and I actually had to count I do have seven moles on one side of my face what the hell no I think side has seven. I was like, does it? And I actually had to count. I do have seven moles on one side of my face. What the hell? No, I think if you got rid of that mole, you'd be... My brother would have nothing to slag me about anymore. He's always like,

molly, molly, molly. I think you'd lose all your powers. You'd lose all your powers. It's like your man with the hair. Who? He's your man with the hair, Joe. Oh, yeah. Your man with the hair. He cut off his hair and then he had no power. Your man with the hair. Who? Hair man. Joe, look it off his hair and then he had no power your man with the hair who

hair man Joe look it up there oh yeah we don't ask you to do much pop that in google will I yeah man hair hold on a second

I'll do it Joe will I man hair powers gone man cuts hair loses power power in hair man do you want

I don't know where you get your news sometimes do you know what I was reading about it's not news it's an old Greek story Samson I don't know where you get your news sometimes. Do you know what I was reading about? It's not news. This is like it's an old Greek story. Samson.

I don't know where you get your news. I kind of like the name Samson. Samson is betrayed by his lover Delilah who is sent by the Philistines officials to entice him or it's a servant to cut his hair while he was sleeping and turns him over to his Philistine enemies who gauge out his eyes and force him to grind grain in a mill at Gaza. That's a terrible story. What? They gauge out his eyes and force him to grind grain in a mill at Gaza. That's a terrible story.

What? They gouged out his eyes and then they made him eat what? It happened last week. It's all over the Daily Mail. That is a shocking story. I hate, I wouldn't have lasted a second

in the olden days. They were vicious towards each other. Recording a podcast. Yes, Am's just come in to ask me if she can have the Chinese chicken mid-record

because there's only a bit left so she wants to bagsy it excuse her Jo oh I meant to say to you I did the late late oh I saw that

I loved your outfit thank you glorious well done I really g late late Oh I saw that I loved your outfit Thank you Glorious Well done I really gaffed when you saw that but it was so because I put up a photo

of me underneath the late late sign and these American comics were like Oh my God man no way That's what I was doing You know the James Gordon

late late show I was like It's just as good It's just as good if not better Ryan's already his grey crack did you go to the piss

with him after no I had to go home I'm not drinking but whenever Sue Browfee does my makeup like I have to give her

a shout out it kind of it gets past the point of it being a compliment it's the shock people are so shocked at how I look when Sue Browfee

does my makeup even my friends they're like oh my god it's like she's taken It's the shock. People are so shocked at how I look with super outfit and super makeup. Even my friends, they're like, oh my God. It's like she's taken a two to a 12. They're just, she is a magician,

but like, it's getting a bit insulting now. Well, I wouldn't say that you go, like you look absolutely fantastic today, but that's quite unusual

because usually you wouldn't do anything with your hair and makeup. I don't know if you brush your hair some days. I prefer my know if you brush your hair some days. I prefer my hair a little messy. I call it textured. Okay.

There's a nest at the back of your hair. Yeah, it's textured, right? It's a look. It's a look. Anyway, yeah. My friend Aisling sent like nine messages of like just shock, surprise faces and all. I was like, alright, calm down. It's getting embarrassing now you looked unreal though

that is like a profile or if I've ever seen it Sue Brophy is she is quite the magician how often do you wash your hair a week? it very much depends if I've been working if I've been on like

a shoot or something and there's loads of hairspray in it obviously I'll wash this right away my hair is quite coarse and large it's like a it's like a Brillo pad it's like your your

your your favorite My hair is quite coarse and large. It's like a Brillo pad. It's like your... Your favourite... Your favourite instrument. Kitchen utensil. It's like a Brillo pad. I would say get away with washing it twice, three times a week. Sometimes I wash it just for my mental health.

Sometimes it's just nice to get your head wet. Yeah. Now it is nice to get an old scrub off someone as well. But that's the optimum thing. I was reading something I look up stuff at the pod and the thing

that happens to be one of them supposedly you're only meant to wash your hair maximum twice a week another story that I absolutely

loved this week Vogue yeah did you read about the seagulls they're trying to put them on the pill oh I

do you know I absolutely adore any any story to do with a seagull what pill what do you mean they're putting them on the pill?

Sorry, I should be more clear. A contraceptive pill. So they did it in Brussels. Apparently they're out of control in Brussels. I'll tell you what, the seagulls are out of control in Ireland.

They're vicious. They're so, honestly, they're really dangerous. They're hooligans. I'm viciously attracted to them. If you put a fucking toolbox in a seagull's hand,

keep me back. I'll be all over them. Do you know the way hard lads have birds tattooed on their neck? I'd love to see a seagull with hand, keep me back. I'd be all over him. Do you know the way hard lads have birds tattooed on their neck? I'd love to see a seagull with a little man tattooed on his neck. See, I would not. Seagulls are even more dangerous

than crows in my mind. I feel like if a seagull and a crow were to have a fight, I reckon a seagull would definitely win. Like they're huge as well, especially in Hoth where they're eating all the chips. Yeah, because they're eating

like four course meals out of bins. They're buff, yeah. Sooth where they're eating all the chips. Yeah, because they're eating like four course meals out of bins and stuff. They're buff, yeah. So apparently they're out of control. They're trying to put them on a contraceptive pill. How are you going to get a seagull

to eat any old shite actually? You could just throw it at them. Yeah, I know. They'd sneak it in. But you need consistency with the pill. Anyway, there was some guy on from some bird sanctuary

and he's like, this is completely unethical. Just because it doesn't suit you to have a burger ripped out of your hand by a seagull you can't it's like a seagull genocide you can't like what's next squirrels with condoms Labradors with the coil. Hello they do it

all the time they cull badgers and they cull deer it's called culling don't give them contraceptive pills cull them I'm only joking I love seagulls I've actually petted a seagull because I found a seagull on Hoth Pier

and he had broken his wing and I terrifying I threw a coat over him and I got him in a box and I brought him down to the vet

and I'd like to think that they fixed him but I'm quite sure they would have just put him down because his wing was broken yeah so I should have

but I couldn't leave him because he would have just died in pain on his own so I like seagulls I don't want to call them I'd like to clear that up apparently they're

I've seen them there's videos of them walking into shops and like shoplifting crisps and all I think Spar can do without one bag of meanies or hot lips

you don't have to put the thing down no definitely not what's the worst thing that a seagull stole can you guess the worst thing that a seagull stole a toupee

a dog what yeah oh my god do you remember that story a seagull swooped down and stole a chihuahua out of a dog what yeah oh my god do you remember that story a seagull swooped down and stole a chihuahua out of a garden

no yeah I don't know if that's I don't know if that's right that's not right 100% it was in the guardian I don't know how heavy

the chihuahua was but he fucking swiped the chihuahua out of the garden that's why you shouldn't have tiny dogs they are at risk of being nicked

I don't know what it did did it eat it nobody knows but there was the chihuahua from what I could tell was never seen again oh my god

that's absolutely that would be really frightening actually I know there's robbing a burger out of your hand and then there's robbing like your chihuahua

your dog this is why they're getting themselves in trouble that is why seagulls are no longer allowed and I'm telling you if you went for a nice peaceful walk

in the piers in Houth you can forget it seagulls are they're out of control up there a chihuahua getting raised by a family of seagulls that's a documentary I would watch thanks for listening I've been Joanne McNally and she continues to be Vogue Williams as always we would love you to send your emails in

for our bonus episode so email hello at mtgmpod.com and we will read them out and also don't forget our tickets are on sale today so go go go our tickets for the UK tour

are on sale right now Bye.