My Therapist Ghosted Me - MTGM EXTRA! "Happy, nappy life."

Episode Date: June 21, 2023

Joanne has made a life-enhancing discovery this week. Plus, a sexy linguine rejection and Vogue's next food and drink horror story. If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] review Global's Privacy Policy: https://global.com/legal/privacy-policy/MTGM is going on tour in Ireland & The UK! For tickets, merch and more, visit mytherapistghostedme.comFor more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThis episode contains explicit language and adult themes that may not be suitable for all listeners.Thank you!

This is a Global Player original podcast. Hello and welcome to the bonus episode of My Therapist Ghosted Me with me, Boag Williams and she, Joanne McAuley. Sorry? Do you know what threw me? Do you know i said macaulay because i was saying she and my mom has always said don't call her she who's she the cat's mother and then so macaulay came in because i was thinking of cats i love we got a breakdown of i love the thought process you're gorge you're gorge right i'm in's a summer age Jo You know the way So I obviously

I basically bought Apple AirPods Oh Folks give me shit For buying my AirPods Off AliExpress Or whatever right So I'm into

Well Listen There's nothing wrong With a bargain But the bargain Has to work Yeah They didn't work

They don't work All the time Yeah But like Sometimes they do And it's exciting Because you don't know If you're going to be

Able to hear something Or not Will I hear this song I love the thrill Today It's very evil Knievel But like sometimes they do And it's exciting Because you don't know If you're going to be able To hear something or not Will I hear this song I love the thrill It's very evil Knievel Are you one of those people That goes around with her iPhone Just blasting music

And everyone's here Because your earphones Don't work I would in a hotel I'd walk around Jealous into a podcast Anyway so I was in Dublin airport

And Vogue was giving me shit About not buying Apple Pods So I was like Okay so I went in to buy them Sorry 300 quid Now as a fellow scab Vogue was giving me shit About not buying Apple Pods So I was like Okay so I went in To buy them Sorry 300 quid Now As a fellow scab

Right I'm not Don't fucking put me I'm not a scab Okay well I'm not a scab I'm economically efficient Economical

Okay we're economical I will tell you right I did not know They were 300 euro Otherwise I wouldn't Bully you Oh I know Because

Do you know what she did I didn't buy mine Yeah this is what I was going to say So I sent her So I bought both these Apple AirPods Sent Vogue a photo

300 quid I said I can't believe I'm going to do this I'm going to do this Vogue had been bullying me Into buying them And she goes 300 quid

And I was like Yeah And she goes Oh my god I was like I thought you owned them And she goes Well Spenny bought them for me I didn't pay for them

So I paid for them Myself Out of my own money Like an independent feminist Within 24 hours Nice rings Then I went Oh we'll get to the rings

In a second Then Went to have lunch At my friends Nikki and Nancy Things got a bit loose Things escalated Woke up the next day

One of the pods was broken You're a bad person It was 48 It was less than 48 hours Maybe Maybe more Maybe more than 48 hours Anyway

Woke up the next day AirPods were broken I don't remember what happened I don't know why they're broken It's It's It's undignified As a 40 year old woman

To not remember what happened The night before And while I was sitting there In my Apple Pop Broken shame Because one of them's hanging open There's a fucking leak Like fucking the wires

Coming out of it This girl DM me She goes So nice to meet you last night thank you so much for the what did she say incredibly long

head massage that you gave me on Nassau Street oh no I was like hello she goes you probably won't remember

and I was like oh my god you were touching someone's head for an extent she was very clear that it was an extended period of time

Joanne Joanne tells me porky pies better nights out right I was like oh hi I was an extended Period of time Joanne Joanne tells me Porky pies About her nights out Right I was like Oh how was yesterday And she was like

Great yeah We just We went for nights And we had a couple of drinks After and went home Feel great today Oh sorry Joanne Did you forget the part

Where you blacked out Yes you did Because I know How much you get off On other people Being hung up Being hung over When you're not

I know how much It thrills you So I'm like I'm not giving it to her today It brings you're not I know how much it thrills you so I'm like I'm not giving it to her today it brings me such pleasure I know how much you literally she climaxes from you saying

I feel like shit Vogue's like if it's a level 10 I was in bed by 8pm and I ran at 6am so I might have told you about this before my friend Johanna

has cameras outside her house and they always have parties like her sister this is what it is so one of them will be having a party at the weekend or something like that and she's like

I saw Amber leave in the house at five in the morning and I'm like yes and then I ring Amber I'm like hiya

how's your night how'd you get up to she's like grand I'm like what time did you get up she's like about one

I'm like liar that's a lie do you know what you are you're a session shamer that's what you are you're a session shamer I'm not a session shamer you are I'm not You're a session shamer I'm not a session shamer

You are I'm not because I don't like being shamed After my session Exactly But we all love Oh I tapped out early Oh my god Did you stay till 4am?

Oh god How did you feel? You must feel like shit God I mean I didn't feel great But you stayed out Way later than I did You must feel desperate

You're so bad Oh I heard you were Falling around That's the worst 6am That's unacceptable No the worst is Do you remember

What you did last night Do you know what I said Do you know how I Answered that question now Because if any doesn't drink And he'll usually Try and plan something Like that and then I said

No I don't remember And I would rather Not remember Yeah So don't remind me Because all I remember Is having a great time And everyone thought

I was great I regret nothing I don't Yeah When we were in Cork And I'd had a big one The night before And then we had a shoot The next day Don't remind me because all I remember is having a great time and everyone thought I was great. I regret nothing. I don't. Yeah. When we were in Cork and I'd had a big one the night before and then we had a shoot the next day and I was up at the crack of dawn. And your one, God love her, your one trying to do my hair and makeup was I trying to do hair and makeup on a squirrel. Like I was just, I looked fucking awful. Face just dripping.

Just really bad. Can I be honest? You looked amazing that day. That day. Magnificent, I would say. And I don't know How you got away with it Maybe I was still Because I still

I didn't really sleep that much So maybe it just hadn't Caught up with me yet Yeah So yesterday I've I've had an epiphany Okay

Yesterday I got my period Oh stunning Humble brag 40 Still a mess right I would like to On the period chat I would like to thank everyone

For all of their coil information Oh Very kind Carnage I know but I love Like I got so many messages I read them all I'm not a great responder

Okay I'm not a great responder I was watching a new episode Of the collections today So that's what I prioritised On the train Yeah But

I've taken it in I think I might have to Not do the copper one Yeah it sounds like They're throwing a spanner Into you with no pain relief I'm sorry Well as you I think I might have to not do the copper one. Yeah, it sounds like they're throwing a spanner into you with no pain relief. I'm sorry. Well, aren't you saying last week I have a bucket vagina

so I'm sure I won't feel a thing. Who said that? You did. Week four last. My mouth is the size of my mouth. Well, the memory, you have a great memory when it suits you well, don't you? Do you know my friends actually call me Dory

because I don't remember anything. My friends at home, they're like, oh, here comes Dory. But I'll remember the most Dory from Finding Nemo the fish that forgets everything and like and like I'll remember the most random things I'm like yeah I remember your granddad and she's like so you remember my granddad who died like 25 years ago I was like yeah I remember his face and she's like how do you remember his face because we all remember a sugar daddy when we see one when we see an elderly man with money, you're like.

So anyway, got my period yesterday. Grand. Bit embarrassing. We were staying in the Inside Hotel in Newcastle. I went down to the restaurant for a nice lunch. They have lovely chairs. Got up, went to the bathroom. I got my period.

So I'm never going back there again. But anyway, so I went into their downstairs toilet. It's like one of these kind of child Toilets Like child changing Whatever Oh yeah yeah yeah And I was like Fuck I had no tampons And on the wall They had all these nappies

Oh my god For babies What So I had no tampons So I was like I'll throw on a nappy Oh My

And can I just say There's no going back For me now I'm wearing I put on a nappy strapped myself in went about my day not a single bit of leakage so then went back that night because I knew where the nappies were went back into the inside stole a load of nappies out of their downstairs bathroom stuffed it into my fake Louis Vuitton bum bag and I can tell you I'm wearing a little nappy now

how do you feel about that Jo? I have a little nappy on me right now and I can tell you I'm wearing a little nappy now how do you feel about that Jo? I have a little nappy on me right now and I'm so confident sitting anywhere I want and I've realised this is what I need nappies so resourceful

if anyone ever tries to tell you you're not classy you tell them otherwise okay I dare you speak to a grown woman in a nappy

I fucking I know who I am have you never had an always nappy I got them for after birth it's like a full pull up pant No because I haven't actually given birth folks

So no Yeah okay Well you're wearing a baby's nappy You're not a baby Sorry Vogue Nothing on the wall Said they were for babies They just

It was a wall of nappies So I strapped myself in And it's basically Just a really good Sanchi towel With like little Velcro bits On the side Joanne is going to be Doing a job for pampers soon enough

pamper yourself with pampers i will say this i've never felt more protected and there's no noise there's no crinkly noises i'm just rocking around in a nappy and no one even notices yeah if you put a child with a nappy into the pool and you pull the baby it's actually hard to lift them out because there's so much absorption yeah yeah yeah yeah we've been the whole time

I think I'm over it now it's nappies for me from now on and I will do collabs if anyone's looking to do collabs I will do collabs Pampers

UK and Ireland Pampers Joanne is wearing pull-ups size 7 yeah and she and then today I was walking around to my nappy around Newcastle and I really needed to wee. And I was like, I was like, I must find a toilet.

Well, technically, I don't really need to find a toilet. I don't technically need to find a toilet anymore. I was like, no, don't piss yourself, Joanne. That's too much. But what I will say is the option is there. The option is if you really can't find a toilet, you don't like going outside. Why nappies are only kept for children, I actually don't know anymore. Well, they do make adult nappies.

Remember Chris Jenner? Chris Jenner did a job for like 10 adult nappies or something. Yeah. Yeah. It's the Kegel floor. It's not great as we know. It's not great. My Kegel floor is a little great as we know It's not great My Kegel floor is

It's a little unstable It's a work in progress You have to be working On that bad boy All the time I just feel so safe now I feel so safe and loved I'm glad

That you've crossed that bridge Yeah I might try it out myself Yeah I'm telling you now But I finally don't have my period So I'm not wishing it back on Oh my god

Okay It's a fucking period That never ends And yes Thank you for your coil advice I will be changing my mind on the coil

I'm getting I need to be changed quite soon so we need to wrap this up I need Vogue needs to talk my bum

generally sometimes you're just flicking through your DMs Generally sometimes You're just flicking Through your DMs And someone Messaged I don't know Anyway I went back And read the message before

I don't know where it came from And she was like When I used to get sick As a child My parents would say I shot a cat Pardon To distract from

Like generally a child Kind of does something And then looks at their parents To see if it's bad or not Yeah yeah yeah Like if they fall over Yeah yeah yeah If they fall over

They kind of look to see If the parent looks freaked Then they start crying So she said her parents Used to say Oh look you shot a cat To kind of just Distract her from the fact

That she got sick So she's like So I always called it A shot of cat So she'd be going to school Being like Sorry I'm late I just shot a cat

And her teacher's like What the fuck I know I love parenting When Gigi When Gigi gets a cut Like she could have The tiniest cut right

And she won't cry And then she'll spot the cut And she'll have an absolute meltdown And then We'll take off her trousers To give her a bath or something And she'll spot it again And then she'll have

The same meltdown I'm like babe It doesn't hurt you anymore Yeah Quit it I know T gets so upset about things His lips turn blue

because his he holds his breath for so long in between the scream I told you about that time that Ciarán my business partner from Cork he's got no kids and he was I was out for dinner with him and I ran to get a book because um because I'm such a bookworm because I read I read because I'm a bookworm I'm literate I uh I ran to get a book and I left tea with him for less than 10 minutes and within that 10 minutes T had pulled the leg off his gecko that he had brought

in the safari park a fake gecko a fake gecko so he pulled the leg off I think that needs to be clarified and Kiro went for fuck's sake he's going blue

where are you he was like he went he just made this face and there was no noise going on and then he turned blue I didn't know what to do

And then he let Loose In the restaurant And obviously If you're not used to that It's fine Yeah it's a loss He gave him

He gave him A can of coke And I came back And I was like Why have you given him A can of coke That's gonna make it worse He's never had coke

In his life He's not allowed of coke I've spotted the size Of a Ford Focus on my face Now I did spot it The other day I didn't say anything But I was hoping

The other day It was coming up It was yeah It was coming up And I was like I wonder Like because I'm so obsessed with spots I was like Are we at that point in our relationship

Where I could squeeze it Well I will tell you A no And B I tried I wouldn't let anyone squeeze my spots love it so i anyone's spots i'd squeeze yours as well yeah squeezed it last night very disappointing and then today woke up and it had like a proper like it looked like a like a snowball oh so i was like okay let's get stuck

in again squeeze it again and it was one of those Really unsatisfying Spots where It was really painful And Nothing came out Like I don't Like I love a bit of

Dr. Pimple Popper Like there's something Very satisfying You get the kind of Sludge coming out But there was nothing Come here I wanted to show you

Remember last week We were talking about the On the main ep We were talking about your man Who spat into the Nando stuff Yeah Can I just say that I'm only having drinks And eating food at home

From now on A pervert Like there's nothing worse than being called a pervert That was Kelly That was Kelly Convy Kelly Convy he's opening the show tonight he's just trying to get crushes there i do love kelly convy yeah she's bad you heard the story about the nando's fella yeah a perverse gp's betrayed victims called him cowardly because he put his semen in her coffee and she she only became suspicious because it tasted salty.

He put his jizz in her coffee. Because people are just insane. But is it like a kink? Is it revenge? What was it? I need more information. Well, there's not that much more. Listen, it was the Daily Mail.

That's all they gave me. I can't tell. Is it flirting? Is it? I just feel like, but then I was like, how would you hide the jizz? Is it an act of violence? How would you hide the jizz? But then it would be the frost

Would you know what I would I know exactly What that would look like Because it's like When you try to put oat milk In an Americano And it kind of curdles

Which I would just go Oh look it's an oat milk latte Oh my god Like I feel like I can't eat in peace Outside of my own home To be honest Semen in a coffee

Whatevs Sorry Whatevs I Sorry, whatevs. I wouldn't, actually wouldn't bother me that much. Joanne, hang on. You can put anything in a Zira. It's so top quality that even semen in a cup of a Zira, you honestly wouldn't. Like Nescafe wouldn't last, but a Zira. You put anything in a Zira and it'd be fine.

That's the top, that's the level of quality of an Azera coffee. I'm going to reinvent your coffees When you come to my home Okay Better than I'd rather have sperm Than UHT milk Which I've been living off

The last couple of days In a hotel It's basically the same thing It's rotten Yeah And they've tried to trick us With those long packets That look like real milk

You know the long ones Are they not real milk No they're not real milk They're still UHT And I'd be like Five milks please Because I like loads of milk in my tea. And I'm just basically eating like,

If I went in and found those little powders, I'd be like, Spano, get them in here. Oh, you're absolutely sick. Just a little gentle wank into that Azera, please. Just to take the black out of it so it doesn't stain the teeth.

Girls, as we're talking about linguine this is you Joanne oh yeah the sexy linguines you were talking about linguine underwear in sex shops

the other day and it got me excited to give my fella a bit of a treat I got all dolled up in my bits and when he came home I called him upstairs

but he wasn't into it I'm honestly heartbroken we've been married eight years but I couldn't fucking believe he wasn't into it i'm honestly heartbroken we've been married eight years but i couldn't fucking believe he wasn't having it oh that's mean just fucking pretend yeah very it's very hard to fake sexual interest you see the thing about right it's actually impossible hang on let me finish it then we'll discuss okay i asked him about it the next morning he said he's just not into it at all I'm so embarrassed

Of myself He's not into linguinis Or he's not into sex He's not into the linguinis Yeah But what linguini Were you wearing Because like

I Recently She could be wearing A bear suit Like we don't know What it was We need to know What the linguini was

Because I'll tell you what I have I bought No shame I bought a maid's outfit I thought I'd look cool in it You bought a maid's outfit I thought I'd look sexy in it. You bought a maid's outfit. I thought I'd look sexy in it.

Yeah, okay. Okay? Yeah. It wasn't for me. I'm more of a, like you, like a crotchless tog. Yeah, crotchless tog. But,

spending recently, okay? Spending recently, right? Only because, like, I've been working those days. You're taking a lot of water in the pool. That's all I will say. It's the only downside you've become

quite buoyant do not go down a slide in them it'll be coming out of your nostrils

maids I fit okay a maids I fit not great but Spenny lately was it a sexy one or was it like

a floor length kind of like striped blue no it was a floor length Kind of Like striped blue No it was a floor length And I had a little bucket of Of cleaning products That I came in Squirting the window

All the vomit You're like Everyone in the hotel Last night shot a cat But But Spenny lately Because I've been working loads And whenever I work

If I'm doing a shoot or something I'll always wear like A skin colour bra And skin colour underwear Because it works Under all outfits And lately I haven't been doing shoots and stuff

so I've been wandering around in like knickers I've had forever and he's like literally like whoa what's going on darling and I'm like oh my god

I have to stop wearing beige underwear oh because he's excited by the colors he's so thrown by anything like those like neon thongs I bought in Victoria's Secret

the other day when we were together I think that's a really good I think if you just lower all expectations yeah like wear a bin bag well I've

I've obviously when Alan sees the nappies I don't know if he's going to control I don't know how he's going to control himself to be totally honest but I'm going to have

to take the hit but so if you lower expectations and then I love that then you just wear like a pink bralette

And they're like Yeah See if you go in too strong At the start With all the sexy linguinis Now I don't feel They get used to it Do you know what I mean

Now don't feel bad Don't And don't feel embarrassed For yourself Listen I No Don't You went and tried something new

And you should be happy with yourself Do you know what I'm trying Some lads love They just They just love A basic Pant Basic pant A basic pant But I think Do you know what I'm going to try some lads love they just they just love a basic pant basic pant

a basic pant but I think do you know what this is the perfect opportunity to there's someone just whistling

this is the perfect opportunity to talk to him about what he would like about what you can bring in and I've said it time and time again a simple pair of black

boots with nothing else yeah what do you think joe i've never done that do it i swear a minor only little kitten heel which was a bit embarrassing black boot but then i'd have to have a sock in the inside i can't wear shoes i can't i can't wear shoes out of sock and then you'd have the nappy obviously you'd have the nappy but the nappy's not going anywhere i can tell you now now that I've lived now that I've lived now that I've seen

what it could be living a nappy life I'm never going back before we go Toronto is now on sale and also Dubai is still on sale

that rescheduled show is now happening in September I'll come to if you get my flights I'll come to Dubai I'll sail you over how about that I'm getting the sailing rail to Dubai. I'll sail you over.

How about that? I'm getting the sailing rail to Dubai. I need a hotel room for myself. And a canoe for Vogue. She's coming from Battersea. She'll need to start. Any minute now. Me in the agenda.

September 2nd. Thank you so much. Everybody for listening. Go and live your. Happy nappy life. Please get in touch. If there's any women out there. Also. Who've realised. That nappy's the way forward. That nappy life please get in touch if there's any women out there also who've realised that nappies are the way forward

that nappies are the way forward do you know what I'm going to buy you tomorrow some always pants you're welcome what are they full on knickers like that are like it's like a pull up nappy

yeah that might be better because yeah I do feel a little childish in the nappy they're sexier.