My Therapist Ghosted Me - MTGM EXTRA! "I did all four wheels..."

Episode Date: July 5, 2023

The petty breakup stories just kept pouring in! Vogue & Joanne try and catch up with a few in this weeks EXTRA!If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] review Global's Privacy Policy: https://global.com/legal/privacy-policy/MTGM is going on tour in Ireland & The UK! For tickets, merch and more, visit mytherapistghostedme.comFor more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThis episode contains explicit language and adult themes that may not be suitable for all listeners.Thank you!

This is a Global Player original podcast. Welcome to My Therapist Ghosted Me, the bonus edition with me, Dora McNally and Herb O'Williams. That was a very good intro. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Thank you. I thought it was, it was consistent and confident. Very confident. But not arrogant. No. Humble.

Humble. Determined. It was humble. It was humble. I'm really worried that there's a strong chance I'm going to lose you to Ross Lair. Are you moving down? I'm raising a child down here now. Let me tell you I am exhausted

and I didn't even have to get up for the feeds last night I was saying to Audrey you know you can wake me at any time like if you need if you need help with the feeds bow to the door

she turned off the phone took a sleeping tablet good luck if she fucking wakes me I'll go mental do you know you've made your choice this Audrey

you've made your bed now lie in it with your teeny tiny three week old baby crying itself to sleep I'm going downstairs to my bedroom please that's what Amber

Amber always says that to me you chose you chose to have three children do you know the difference between this baby and Otto

this baby's a girl and I can see the favouritism it's seeping from your pores a girl and I can see the favouritism it's seeping from your pores it's like do you see the little do you see the little

pink dresses and all she's buying the baby she's literally bought the baby an entire wardrobe well do you know what Joanne whatever

okay I bought little ruffled pink pantaloons and for her big bum that I'm going to help her grow in the gym and then also a Carl

Pink Adidas tracksuit for a two-year-old because I feel this is, this is my strategy on buying baby presents. They don't wear things for long. So I'd like, you can have, you can give the illusion of having a long lasting present because it has to sit in the wardrobe for two years. That's my, that's always been my strategy. Otto would have liked a coral pink track suit too from Adidas. Otto is a hard man to buy for

because Otto was dripping in Hermes. Hermes. Audrey's kid's poor. Do you know what I mean? It appreciates shit like that. I'm actually taking the piss. She's a dentist.

She does okay. She's a... Oh, I didn't know she lived in Rossow. That's Audrey the piss she's a dentist she does okay she's a oh I didn't know she lived in Rossow that's Audrey the dentist Audrey the dentist who was slagging off my yellow front tooth

for as long as oh I forgot it was Audrey cut all all things about Audrey you have to be cut from this pod joke okay

we had a great laugh about the tooth last night remember how bad it was? I actually had forgotten until you just said it there. It was a luminous yellow and I had to go around with that for two weeks because I was waiting for my new veneer. So I just had like this yellow peg sticking out of the front of my mouth.

But the thing is that Audrey would notice stuff like that because that's like her business. That's her bread and butter. I didn't notice it at all. But Audrey was like, why has Vogue got a yellow tooth? It looked like I had a highlighter pen stuck into my gums.

Like it was, it couldn't have been yellower. Jo, you noticed it. Don't even try and be nice. No, I didn't notice it. I honestly didn't remember it. It's like having a little head torch. It's extra visibility.

It's like having a cat eye in your mouth. I'm home in Dublin and uh and I said to Amber because Theodore has been asking for a cat and like I'm not mad to get a cat I don't think Winston will be into it and I was like Amber I'm getting a cat for the house in Dublin and she took an absolute flip out she doesn't want a cat but so Benny's parents were trying to they were to, they were going to go and buy Theodore a budgie. A budgie for my house. A bird that lives in a cage in the house and stinks. Can you imagine? Hold on, do they stink though?

Are they not just a kind of, would you not get a parrot so you can teach it how to talk and have a bit of crack with it? I feel like a parrot would take your eyes out and claw your head off. You get chlamydia off parrots. Don't get parrots. Oh yeah, Jo. That's where you got chlamydia.

Sure. Christ. You get chlamydia. You can get chlamydia off anything these days. I heard, I was told a story about a porn star the other day

because this girl that I know was filming with them and basically one of them got chlamydia of the eye because someone had jizzed in her eye and she got chlamydia of the eye because someone had jizzed in her eye and she got chlamydia

of the eye and you can lose your sight clap of the eye measure her eyes clapping together look at her winking because that's what

it would look like your eyes clapping slow clap like you know when someone's really like you've done a really shit job you could do that with your eyes

It'd be great I'd do it at the end of the podcast Nicole Kidman's clap I remember her Give him a slow clap with the eye Slow clap with the eye Nicole Kidman What was her clap?

Do you not remember her clap like this With her fingers? No What was she clapping for? I don't remember Oh my god Joanne That's right up your street To see something like that.

You love when people do weird things. Was it at an awards and she didn't like the person? It was at an awards show and everyone was like, why is Nicole Kidman clapping like that? Oh, really?

I'll have to look that up. This is following on from the call out that I did about pettiness Yeah Petty stuff people have done during breakups

and had done to them etc etc I'll never be full of these stories I just don't I think it's limitless how much I want to hear about these stories

It's actually really sadistic It's because they're so smart You're like Oh my god I never would have I never would have thought of stitching a goldfish into his curtain well actually no

that's actually a classic that's vintage leaving fish in someone's house is desperate like just shoving a fish under their pillow or something like tucking sardines

under the rim of the toilet bowl stuff like that my ex hates all fish I love tuna and anytime I ate it over the years he'd be gagging. Couldn't touch the tin in the sink or the drama of preciousness. Luckily my son loves tuna too so

obviously I make sure that he gets his favourite sandwich on the day his dad collects them. Always have a little smile thinking of ex dealing with the half eaten tuna sandwich leftovers in his stinking lunchbox. That's nice and it's actually you know the kid is enjoying it and it's not, I don't. That's nice. And it's actually, it's, you know, the kid is enjoying it and it's not,

I don't find that that nasty. No, that's quite innocent. It's very PG, but you're making your point. I like it. Well done. Five stars. Five stars.

We will give you that. When I was younger, a boyfriend cheated on me with my flatmate. Oh. I was brain blackout devastated and I needed revenge to cleanse my soul.

At the time, my dad ran a private security business and had a stack of wheel clamps in the garage. I took four clamps. Yes, I did all four wheels and clamped his car in the multi-story car park near his work. Every day he didn't move his car. He was charged 14 pounds a day for parking. Unless he cut them off off which wouldn't have been easy the only way to remove them was to call the number on the clamps which put him through to my dad understandably dad wasn't in a hurry to help him he was also raging with me for stealing

his clamps and eventually my ex got his car out of the car park after nine days So for the slow mathematicians, it cost him £126. That's, he got, that's cheap. She could have done him dirtier than that now. I know, but it's more about like,

right, that's what it cost him to get the car out. Don't forget he has to get public transport. He's got the annoyance of taking longer to get in and out of work.

So there's all those annoying things. Like, how was he doing his shopping? You know, he'd have to online shopping then. Yeah, you're right. Now there was more to it.

I'm sorry. I was just looking at the cost. I'm sorry. I was just looking at the bottom line. Well done. You can have five stars. Well done. And the thing that I enjoyed

that I like the physicality of that. Getting down your hands and knees. Clamping on the clamps. Do you know what I mean? That's real like I can feel the rage behind that there's froth at the

mouth that would make you feel good though each clamp that goes on you're just like yes yeah you can hear the noise of it

I still think the fish in a bed for me would be great just smelly fish under the rug or something like that just chuck a smelly fish like a few

mackerel under the couch cushion or something nightmare I don't know Iy fish like a few mackerel under the couch cushion or something nightmare I don't know I mean like ultimately they'll find the fish I do enjoy

the kind of public shaming do you see there's a show at the moment called Claim to Fame because Tom Hanks' niece has had an absolute tantrum on it did you see this there's a show in America

called Claim to Fame which the only reason I'm aware it exists is because Tom Hanks' niece is going viral at the moment because basically everyone in there has a Claim to Fame which the only reason I'm aware it exists is because Tom Hanks' niece is going viral at the moment because basically everyone in there has a claim to fame. I'm assuming it's like a famous relative or maybe they were like a child star

or something. I don't know. And the other contestants have to guess what their claim to fame is and if they guess correctly the person gets voted, like has to leave. So anyway this person figured out this girl's claim to fame was that her uncle was Tom Hanks. And she, that's about it off.

And to say she had, she's like a toddler in a toy shop. Screaming, I should have had more comedy time. Oh, it's wild. Yeah. It's just like. It's wild.

You're not, you're not, you're not Tom Hanks. Behave yourself. I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed for Tom Hanks now and like Tom Hanks would have known she was going on

but he wouldn't have known that she was going to act like such a gobshite and it's like oh god Tom Hanks didn't need that in his life

no I texted you get your shit together it's your uncle Tom you're making a show out of the family yeah you're not a Hank anymore you're not a hank anymore. You're out.

What would our claim to fame be? Jo, yours would be that you know us. Oh yeah. What would mine be? I'd probably say that my that my mum

was friends with Thin Lizzy That would be mine Yeah Your mum was friends with Thin Lizzy? Yeah I went to a party in his house and stuff like that

because they lived like three doors up from him Phil Innes Growing up Yeah No way Hold on now Hold on

Hold on Hold on I didn't say they were close friends Okay Did your mum just go back to an after party

once and fill in a scuff no Joanne they knew each other very well he lived three doors up and he invited all the sisters

to their to his parties sounds a bit sexy I don't think it was sexy to be honest go on what's your acclaimed fame there must be something

I modelled on live at three at nine years of age with Derek Davis. That's not bad. That was so exciting. Derek has passed since, but as he? I don't know.

Me and Val, we have some sort of illness, some sort of where we just don't know who's dead. We don't know who's dead. I don't think I've ever heard of him, but I didn't want to like poo-poo on your story. So, you know. I had a petty flu with Gay Byrne at the RTE canteen once.

But correction, when I actually unpacked the memory, I was eating a petty flu while he walked past. Oh, that would have been bad. Oh, oh, Gay Byrne used to come into the shop that I worked in

and I counted money out of his hand one time for his groceries. Yeah. I was an extra in Fair City at 14 years of age I had a cup of tea in McCoy's

in the background David sadly passed in 2015 there you go exactly it's worth more now because he's passed he's more iconic

they recorded an ad in my school once and I was seen walking in the background of the hall of the school I was a member of the Disney club

and sang at the concert hall aged 9 I don't know if that's true is that true Mickey Mouse Club who's the leader of the club I was a member of the Disney club and sang at the concert hall aged nine I don't know if that's true is that true Mickey Mouse Club who's the leader of the club that's made for you and me

M-I-C-K-Y-M-O-U-S-E will I go on that's actually like you have had an amazing career what happened I have indeed I went full time

into show business at 38 that's what fucking happened and you have to leave at 40 of two years I'm out already do you want to read

another email we've one more years and years ago I lived with my boyfriend at the time we were together for over a year when we broke up

I found out that he had cheated on me with a girl in our casual friendship group the girl had been living in Ireland on a visa

and was American he had also cheated on me with a couple in our casual friendship group the girl had been living in Ireland on a visa and was American he had also cheated on me with a couple of other girls that I didn't know the American hits hard though doesn't it you always feel

there's something you have that you don't there's something they have I feel like I know what's going to happen I'd get her like removed from the country

that's it I'd be straight on to what's his name that follows us the Taoiseach Micheál Martin no the other one Leo of Racker

we'd be straight on to Leo of Rocker and we'd say Leo get her out get her out or I'm going to start a campaign against you would you not go

straight to the top would you not go to Micheál now Micheál follows me no he doesn't sorry babe if Micheál follows you okay well that's it well then I am going to Leo

I am going to Leo sorry babe that's that now a couple of months after we broke up I get a phone call from the girl, let's call her Mary,

to ask me for the alarm code for the apartment that me and Mark had lived in as she forgot it and it wouldn't stop going off. I told her the wrong code on purpose, obviously.

Then a couple of years later, out of the blue, I get a Facebook message from Mark asking what was our address when we lived together? He couldn't remember as he needed

all his previous addresses to apply for his American visa. Again, I obviously gave him the wrong address. Prick got his visa in the end, but fuck it. I learned so much from that whole experience and I'm all the better for it now. Love the pod. Oh, that's such like, do you know what? Like, why

would you ring her? Like, don't involve her. Like, you've obviously fucked her over and now you're asking her for favours. Leave her alone. She'll live her? Like don't involve her. Like you've obviously fucked her over and now you're asking her for favours. Leave her alone. She'll live her life and don't drag her into your bullshit. She's not going to help make your new life easier.

No. She's going to interfere as is her right. Nice that he got a visa out of it though in fairness. I'm telling you. Even if him and Mary broke up he'll always have the visa.

We can go back and cut this out of the podcast if it ever happens but I would marry an American for a visa in a shot now if I get engaged with an American next week we'll obviously have to

take this bit out I'm like what I love him yee har good luck oh god the royal vagina is clean

off I go thank you so much for listening to the bonus episode and we love all your messages so keep them coming in oh god what is it

hello at mtgmpod.com if you like the podcast subscribe and leave a review it really helps us and it helps other people to find us is that right Jo? yeah that's what your man says Pod.com. If you like the podcast, subscribe and leave a review. It really helps us. And it helps other people to find us. Is that right, Joe? Yeah.

That's what your man says in Diary of a CEO and he's huge. So I think we should be saying the same thing. Joe, you never asked us to say it. It was always in the script.

We've been through this so many times. What script? Yeah, exactly. What script? Exactly.