My Therapist Ghosted Me - MTGM EXTRA! "I didn't know they were legally allowed to eat your face"

Episode Date: May 29, 2024

This week, everybody fancies Vogue, Joanne gets her face eaten by mosquitos but no bites on Hinge!If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] review Global's Privacy Policy: https://global.com/legal/privacy-policy/For merch, tour dates and more visit: www.mytherapistghostedme.comFor more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThis episode contains explicit language and adult themes that may not be suitable for all listeners.Thank you!

This record has already started like an episode of Fawlty Towers. Yep. We're like the Shulker Brothers. To me, to you, to me, to you. There's been a lot of drop off, a lot of technological difficulties. I've been in and out non-stop.

In and out, like a fiddler's elbow. But you're here now. I'm here. I'm back in Houth. I just arrived and the taxi driver picked me up for the airport.

I just flagged a taxi at the airport. I got lucky. And he was like, I brought you to Leo Burdox. And I was like, oh, and he was like, yeah, years ago,

you and your friend Joan, the comedian. I was like, oh, and he was like, yeah, years ago, you and your friend Joan, the comedian, I was like, Joan? Sorry. I don't think Joan and I go to Leo Burdox together. Who is this man accusing me of eating chips? Garlic dip, no less.

He said we dragged some garlic dip into the taxi. I said, we certainly didn't. I don't do that with Joan. We definitely, definitely did do that, no less. He said, we dragged some garlic dip into the taxi. I said, we certainly didn't. I don't do that with Joan. We definitely, definitely did do that, for sure. I saw the two of you whore 16 battered Mars bars. We're like, how dare you bring that up? How dare you remind us of that undignified moment of the night. Excuse me.

And it's as well because we know we're not getting rated on our journey. We can take whatever we want into the car, even if it's a big stinking chipper. He's like, I saw the two of you circumcise a horse on a Saturday night in town. How dare you? You did not. Don't say what we were doing to horses. Everyone knows Joanne is a big fan of the horse. We're horse say what we were doing to horses. Everyone knows Joanne is a big fan

of the horse. We're horse girls. We're horse girlies. Everyone knows that. Speaking of horses I'm not sure if it's a great segue but I don't know

if you can see my face. I have seven mosquito bites on my Oh I can on your forehead. Face! I didn't know

they were allowed to eat your face. I thought they just ate your ankles and shit. You look like you've just had a load of profilo. That's not profilo. I know. Like, I just can't, I can't get my head. Like, I didn't, legally, I didn't know they were allowed to eat your face.

I just see them on your forehead. That reminds me of when tea was out. Look at that, under my eye and all. Like, it's a disgrace. I'm going to sue someone. Polynucleosides, sue the mosquitoes. Go on. It's not even fish jizz or whatever we're always banging on about.

It's just horse flies. T was like to me the other day, I think I told you this. I was like, T was like, why is it called a forehead? I was like, well, some people have ten heads. Apparently it is a sign of intelligence, you know that. To have a ten head. To have a large forehead, which makes sense if the brain is a little larger. My forehead is average size.

I think you've quite an average size. I wouldn't. I have a large head though. You don't. Not notice't remark. I have a large head though. You don't, not noticeably large. Do you? No, it's not noticeably large,

but when I go to purchase a hat, which I do regularly, I'm a size 58. I'm a large, a large or an extra large is what's comfortable for my head. Maybe we'd both have large heads, but maybe if we went to get a hat,

if we removed our ego, we'd get a smaller hat. Maybe that's what it is, folks. Maybe it's just confidence. Spen's head fell off the other day because it was so heavy from his ego because his ego is so large. His head just clean fell off his body.

Yeah, but that's... He's a mental illness. We're just a Lulu. He's like, he's prescribed narcissists or something. I don't know. We're just kind of to Lulu, I think. No, I think he's just mad about himself. He is. I kind of admire it.

I can't say I don't really. I think it's Sean, you should watch him in the mirror at home. He lifts up his top and he's literally like like nodding away to himself. He's like, yeah. I'm just waiting for him. He's just in front of the mirror just like nodding his head. I'm just waiting

for him to get his dick out to start wanking on himself. Yeah. And just draws love you with his own ejaculation juice. No wonder is Gigi only drowning herself in the vase. She's obviously got it from her dad. She doesn't even go for the vase anymore she's just full on

mirror and I'm like do you love looking at yourself yeah I just it was one of the cutest things I've ever seen and she was

kicking her legs back and all behind her like it was very sweet oh I just want to have Gigi I don't want to have my own child just give me her

you don't even like her that much no I love her I really love her I very much enjoy her I don't even like her that much no I love her I really love her I very much enjoy her I don't you can borrow her I'll lend you

I'll lend you Bertie and Gigi maybe shout from time to time or I will take her my mum just texted me my mum just texted me from the sitting room saying can you keep it down

the fucking cheek of her can you keep it down the fucking cheek of her can you keep it down in her own home the fucking in her own home I'm busy here working disrupting Emmerdale is what you're doing actually

100% her showers are being interrupted I have to tell you this thing so I'm you know flat out in hinge I'm going to tell you something that's really embarrassing but I'm going to tell you

and obviously when I tell you I tell the podcast okay and I want I want no judgment for this stop I can feel you dying to do it what

I don't know Joanne we're the same when it comes to men don't worry we're not we're not we're not we're not what have you done oh no i'm actually worried now what's happened no it's not that bad so basically i was given as we remember we were saying like keep a couple of pots on the boil like don't invest everything in. Yeah. So in the interest of keeping going. Too many pots. Pots on the boil. I paid to boost myself on Hinge. I, that's, that's only, that's smart.

Oh, sorry. Okay. I thought you were going to slag me for that. No, a hundred. I'd slag if you bought your own blue tick. But like boosting yourself on Hinge is completely acceptable. Yeah, I agree. bought your own blue tick but like boosting yourself on hinge is completely acceptable yeah i agree no my tick was thank god blessed onto me and you know what you know what else that's what you that's what you think you're like because we are so mad about ourselves that you decided you know i deserve a boost do you know i kick up the hole i was i was kind of okay but

i think i should i mean It should be doing better here. If the universe is going to boost me, I'll pay $15.99 to boost myself. $15.99? Listen, I'm going to get you a whole package of that for your birthday. That's what you deserve. So anyway, boosted myself, put the phone away, flew long haul home from Abu Dhabi to Dublin.

Departed the plane. I was like, well, I meanhabi to Dublin and departed the plane. I was like, well, I mean, the connections now are going to be off the charts. Like I've boosted myself. Like I've basically been a Superbowl performance show for seven hours. Guess how many? Guess how many I have.

Joanne, you only spent $15.99. Don't feel bad. How many? How many? No. No. It's at least one. I'm considering Dignitas. It's... None!

There's none! Four. Four. None There's none Four Four Four Joanne that's a big That's a 400% up From your last So it's fine

Don't you dare Patronise me I boosted myself I am a sponsored ad On Hinge Well I'm sorry If you think about it like this You've just raised yourself

400% Because it was nothing Before the boosting We if you think about it like this you've just raised yourself 400 because it was nothing before the boosting we have to look at it like that none of this is helpful i'm genuinely if anyone knows anyone working in hinge i honestly think there's something wrong with my app like i just feel and then turn your phone off and turn it back on. Okay? That will fix it. And you won't believe what will happen when you've done that. You're so right. But why didn't I think about that?

I need to reboot myself. It works for everything. I can't, like, this just isn't, I know, like, ha haha, it's not right. Like it doesn't make, I paid to boost myself. Listen, I'm going to have a look over the CV. I'm looking over the CV for you. I'm not dead.

I'm not dead, guys. You get more likes than an RIP.ie post. I'm sorry. Can I be honest with you? I think you do better like in actual contact with people. Think about the man at the pub with the dog. You do better in actual real life. You're right.

What you're saying is that my personality is not going to sell it for me. Is that what you're saying? I don't know what you've done with the... Honestly, I think just turn the phone off and on and then everything will be okay. Do that and it will be fine. Promise.

I need to set... So, I can't... So, basically, via the 1599 boost, Scarlet for me. Fuck it. Matched with this guy. Matched with this guy. Matched with this guy.

He's kind of hot. Well, there you go. That's worth it no wait wait until I read you our messages okay

oh no he's he's his kind of reveal of himself he's like oh I'm older than I thought I was I'm really old

he's at him old as fuck so I we match anyway he said hello Joanne I said hello beep beep beep and I said come here you're not as old as fuck.

His response, I am. You are just worse. It is what it is, fella. What? That's what he said back to you. You're just, you're old as fuck as well, except older than me. No, he said, I'll repeat, I'll repeat.

Oh my God, it's a scary world out there. I'm not getting divorced again, that's it. I don't care what the fuck Spenny does to me, I'm sticking around. Oh, I could not recommend that more. However painful it gets. Do not leave that man. Do not leave him.

Hey Alex. Oh, hey Joanne, hey Alex. You're not as old as fuck. Laugh emoji. Always trying, Alex. Oh, hey, John. Hey, Alex. You're not as old as fuck. Laugh emoji. Always trying to keep it light. You know yourself. He went, I am. New message.

You are just worse. New message. It is what it is, fella. Fella? Fella? Imagine me going, okay, okay, girly. What? Okay, mate.

Hi, buddy. What are we, are we Bitcoin bros now? Are we frat brothers? So I know that we go on like, well, you were saying that we have big egos, but like I saw this headline about myself. Thank you, extra. We don't have big egos. We're just confident women.

In certain areas and then lacking in confidence in other areas and I think fair play to us well exactly but we do have large heads but like I said in the podcast there

the other day I was like oh everyone fancies me I'm on fuego and then the headline is everybody fancies me Vogue Williams says she's on fire a string of men makes moves and they have put this picture up

which looks like I have smelt a fucking... Look at that. Don't try and tell me that that's a good picture of me, Joanne. You've already tried to make me feel better. No. Okay, here's what I think. Everyone fancies me.

Everyone fancies me is a very... William says men are all over. What? Intentionally antagonistic headline to write about somebody in a book. Obviously it made me wet myself laughing, as you know, of course. You sent it to me and we laughed

and we all laughed. The photo, oh, photo oh listen Vogue I'm not being bad it's not your best but the fact you don't actually look like that must be some reassurance to you thank god but I looked like that for a split moment for that picture sorry that's in me I get terrible photos sorry Chris when I see terrible photos. Sorry, Chris. When I see terrible photos of myself online, I know that I actually look like that. So at least you have, but everyone fancies me is such a great headline.

Can you read us any more? Like seriously, like seriously everybody fancies me oh william says she's on fire a string of men make moves like no you did say it you said i know but you know i was only joking i don't mean everyone fancies me they did that okay like oh okay? Oh, it was the edit. This is your nappy moment. When I was quoting the matter, I was saying Gerard McNally wears nappies. She'll never look back. Blah, blah, blah. This is your nappy. This is your nappy. She'll never look

back. I keep meaning to get that article and frame it for your new house. I need that for your home. Everyone fancies me. I might get that printed and put it with that drawing that you were given of me that you won't give away

because you're a cow. You're not getting it. Everyone fancies me when you sent me that. It gave me a great laugh. It's really funny. Is it extra time? Yes, it is God

very funny everyone fancies me bravo it's a photo where like you're not looking like yourself as such yeah let's be honest

it looks like I've smelled I can't even say the word poo in front of you now or shit God I hate it do you know what I think, folk? I think we're allowed to be confident women. It bothers people.

But you're right. Loads of people do fancy us. So get it out there in the press. I support this. Thank you very much. Shall we move on to some emails? Yes, please. Okay, you've got two to choose from as always how to just how to seduce a co-worker or still seeing my ex are you laughing at the fancy we

think still this is your nappy moment when i was quoted in the metro i was saying jerome mcnally wears nappies she'll never look back blah blah this is your nap this is your nappy you'll never look back i keep meaning to get that article and frame it for your new house i need that for your home i'm having a really tough time because everyone keeps sleeting on me. Everyone fancies me now. It's not funny. I literally,

I walk around just singing I love me. I love me so much. Everyone fancies me. I'm fucking. I'm feeling Sandra. It's gone weird. Like everyone.

Oh, Sandra's fancied me for years. And Amber, like yeah, I'll tell you. We need to give a plug for Hannah Burner who we both adore

she's Des Bishop's well wife but she's just her own thing of course she's basically the best thing

that's ever happened to Des if I was to speak frankly that's how you know her that's how I know I know her through

Des she's got a Netflix special coming out we were both in that variety 10 comic thing. So we got to know each other really well

doing that in Montreal. And she's in Vicar Street next week. She's doing two nights. We're both going to see her. Yeah. And Gabby Bryan is warm up for her. Gabby, yeah, Gabby's opening. And Gabby's staying in my house in Hoth.

I know, what a small world. Bizarre. Anyway, Hannah, if you've, you know, any interest in comedy or just living your life, you need to go. She's fab. She's so fab. I'm excited for that.

Okay, emails. I think we should just go still seeing my ex. What do you reckon? This is for the girl who loves the Snickers lads and wants to ride her ex after a night out. Yum.

Can I just say don't. Oh my God. Come on. We'll always do it. Honestly. If you put a pair of Snicker pants on a pigeon

I'd ride it. Yeah. I've seen that happen actually. With a donkey. And it looked unfair because there was a physical difference, but... And she also likes the way they move their head when they walk. She's into that.

Then you're like, Joanne, they're not snicker pants. He's just tagged. He's just a tagged homing pigeon. They're like hard bastards. They're always robbing sandwiches out of the spars and all. I love them. I wouldn't fuck with a pigeon. That's like hard bastards. They're always robbing sandwiches out of the spars and all. I love them. I wouldn't fuck with a pigeon. That's seagulls. Oh.

What are seagulls only pigeons on holidays? They're just pigeons at the seaside. They're just on their holidays. That's exactly it. They've had a wash. That's why they go white. Yeah. They've just got a spray tan. They're at the seaside. They're just on their holidays. That's exactly it. They've had a wash. That's why they go white. Yeah. They've just got a spray tan. They're at the beach.

I'm a walking red flag, burning garbage, pile of a mess at the moment. And I'm still turning up at his house every Friday for another dose of veiled insults. Oh no, digs. Followed by the saddest

but most irresistible sex I've had in my life. Oh my God. Not even. Oh yeah i have done that i have done that with one x like so many times like i think spanning nearly two years i did that with one x i was like ah fuck it i'll go back ah fuck it i'll go back and then like after a while you're like you meet somebody else and you're like okay thank god that's done and then you're like yeah fuck it i'll go back oh god i know not even irresistible in the attractive sense more in that i literally have no understanding of how to stop myself repeating the shitty behavior i know the one time i didn't turn up he dragged some other poor oblivious soul into his disgusting

little nest and purposely left all the evidence, used evidence, on his nightstand. If you go back to him, he won't even be trying to get you back. He'll just use the opportunity to make you feel like you're incapable of self-respect. This weekend, I'm going to be strong. I've arranged a night out with my mum,

which is literally the saddest sentence I've ever written, but my mum is a laugh, to be fair. Instead of slinking into his bed, I've arranged a night out with my mum, which is literally the saddest sentence I've ever written, but my mum is a laugh, to be fair. Instead of slinking into his bed, I will literally be going home with my mum to sleep with her instead. Don't go back, girls. We left for a reason. I agree.

Do you know what I think is so, it's such an important lesson that I had to learn? Yeah. Firstly, self-respect, because sometimes, I'm being honest, you hand over your entire, like every bit of validation you hand over everything to some fucking randomer and then he decides if you're good enough or not good enough and it's only when you're out of it you're like what was that what i was going to say is resilience resilience resilience resilience i

to learn resilience you to learn self-. I to learn resilience. You to learn self-respect, you to learn resilience. This is going nowhere. You know that. No, but she does know that. At least she's trying to. She knows it. Yeah, and you're trying, but like even if you know it, if you go back by accident another time, don't be like, just keep trying to stay away because he's obviously not good.

Don't, don't let yourself away with it. And I say this as someone who has humiliated themselves so many times. Don't let yourself, with it and I say this as someone who has humiliated themselves so many times don't let yourself stand up for yourself don't let yourself

away with it well that's it for this week thank you everyone so much for listening Joanne we're on a break now we're on a break now we'll be back

we have two weeks off to regroup and then we will be back in two weeks time because that's what two weeks off means. It means we come back in two weeks time.

And I'm going to tell you all about Safari. I'll be in Zanzibar. Oh, you're going to be in Zanz, are you? I call it Zanz because I've been there. Okay, sorry.

I just didn't realise I was allowed to shorten things again. I didn't realise that was back on the agenda. It's not. But maybe after our two week holiday it might be.

But enjoy your safari. I will, I can't wait.