My Therapist Ghosted Me - MTGM EXTRA! "I find you so much funnier, when I properly listen to you..."

Episode Date: October 26, 2022

The email inbox produced plenty this week... Not least an E-Scooter for Vogue. Plus, overly sexy stories of near-drowning and why Vogue's name is "Vogue" and not "Vouge". If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] is going on tour in Ireland & The UK! Remember to check the venue websites as well as Ticketmaster! For more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThank you!

This is a Global Player original podcast. Hello and welcome to the extra episode of... I was going to say Joanna Vogue. I was going to say Joanna Vogue. Of My Therapist Ghosted Me. I just got a text. I'm doing a TV show and I got a text and she's like ooh

very very early start on Friday I'll have to get you a sandwich for your breakfast because we're out of the hotel really early

I was like alright what time are we leaving quarter past eight that's like the afternoon for me is she on crack? I was like,

I think I'll have a full English breakfast in the hotel, thank you very much. She's clearly just come off the PUP, which is the Pandemical Unemployment Payment. She's like used to sleep until two in the day like myself.

Why should she be thinking I'd be asleep at quarter past eight? That's the email of someone just fresh off the dial. Congratulate her on her new job. Well done on your new job. I'd be asleep at quarter past eight in the morning. That's the email of someone just fresh off the dial. Congratulate her on her new job. Be like, I'll be there in the actual morning, which is 4am. Thank you. Bye.

You're late. Like, what would I be doing till quarter past eight in the morning in my bed? I don't think so. Any. Anyway. anyway I had a zoom call with my poor unfortunate publisher today who I'm literally penguin

if penguin ever rang looking for me Jo you've never met me you don't know me I'm on the run were you not writing this book in the summer I thought you went to Portugal to write the book oh wait what happened do you know what actually happened Vogue do you know what happened in this book in the summer. I thought you went to Portugal to write the book. Oh, wait. What happened?

Do you know what actually happened, Vogue? Do you know what happened? What? I tore it. That's what happened, Vogue. Okay? Work. Okay?

Work. It's not like I was fanning around in a Lilo for six months. I thought... I was in Warwick! Vogue, have you been there? I thought you'd have

lots of free time during the day before your show and you might just pop a few notes down. See, Jo, she's saying this to piss me off because she knows now what it is to do shows so she knows she knows it's not like you're like oh nine to five it's the headspace folk it's the headspace couple couple hours he could have chucked a couple hours in a day if i could write a book about ponytails and different kinds of buns well can write a book I said to Martina

my publisher today and I did wear a fake moustache for the Zoom so she doesn't recognise me when she sees me out in the street I use one of those you know those Zoom filters bananas for eyes

and everything she'll be screaming at you down Grafton Street John! John it's not me it's not me I use like a voice discombobulator a voice scrambler

is what they use if they're not the wrong I will take the meeting Martina but you'll never recognize me again when you see me on the street so how did you

how did you swindle your way out of that one so we went through the kind of we've put a new deadline in place or whatever because originally the book was supposed

to be for kind of this Christmas but it's just not realistic now because with the gigs and stuff but um we're just talking about the word length of the book and all that what's the word length literally I was like there you know I said you know it can that be worked on you know could I do a coloring book for adults or do it voted which was a kind of how to do a bun or a sleek pony when you get a ladder in your tights vogue we'll fix it for like that kind of thing no no three word three word life hacks by joanne mcnally seven pages long boom i once you get down

to it i know you'll do it and actually actually have you ever written anything she's read anything she's written you'll be shocked that that has come out of her head I couldn't believe it it's like that bitch comes across

as really intelligent it's bizarre read something of hers and give us your opinion you'll pass away I was like that's not her Vogue you're suggesting that the way I speak

I sound thick as shit Jo do you think I sound thick as shit not at all mate Vogue you launched a book about ponytails okay back on your back at least I launched a book okay that the way I speak I sound thick as shit Jo do you think I sound thick as shit not at all mate Vogue you launched a book about ponytails

okay back in your box at least I launched a book okay at least mine was on time she was saying to me today we're talking about like covers and all and I was thinking

about the quotes did I the farce that was Vogue asking me for a quote for a book oh we discussed it listen

you're on the book, okay? You're on a children's book. I can guarantee you nobody else is going to ask you with that dirt you were coming out with. I'm on the back of the book with the quote I never even said. Listen, Joanne, are you there or are you there? Are you there? I am there and it matters.

Thank you. Visibility matters. With that potty mouth, you won't get invited back to write on any children's books, okay? Representation matters, Vogue, And I'm on a children's book And that's all that matters Precisely And you didn't even want

To be there But you're there Because you're my friend And I appreciate it Oh god no Louisa Decline Read my diary Keep that in Jo

Relatable 101 Yeah I'm just like you guys Read my fucking diary Louisa No it should be free to me Do you know where Louisa is today? She can't answer my calls You can leave this in

She can't answer my calls Vogue you should tell them Who Louisa is I feel like they just Know everything now I feel like they do I bet you if I didn't tell The listeners who Louisa was

They would know And her name's actually Louisa But she never corrected me At the start of our relationship So I's I physically can't call her Luisa yeah Luisa anyway Luisa's my manager sorry to interrupt but I have a my hairdresser Katie Katie if you're listening to this my name is Joanne okay it's been going on three years now it's not Joanna I don't know how to say it to her when I'm in there but if if this gets back to her by general osmosis it's Joanne okay it's it's Joanne it's been three it's been three years babe it's Joanne follow each other on Instagram it's Joanne

I know I still get I still get all the vouges like there's one girl in particular and she comments on a lot of my stuff sorry the what the vouges vouges v-o-U-G-E. And Amber goes through the... Vuge! Amber goes through the day. She's like, why does she keep spelling your name wrong? Like, she's commenting under your post where it says Vogue. I'm like, I don't know. What can I say here? Stop spelling my name wrong.

Speaking of which, by the way, Joanne. Vuge. I set up our Instagram today. Do you know who doesn't follow it, Jo? Oh, my God. Follow it right now. Sorry, Jo. I woke,

I wake up 28 messages from Vogue standard. I'm like, what have I done now? Vogue's been up since 2am. Cooking ham,

breastfeeding, like breastfeeding orphans in Somalia. It's difficult to know when I'll get a response. Sometimes I could text you three if Otto's woke up for a feed

and she'll get right back to me. All right, Vooj, calm down there. We know what you're suggesting. Joanna likes to have a drink. We all know that, okay? Joanna and Vooj can't wait till the live tour. But yeah, so there's a lot of, this is because she's so,

we call it efficient to be kind, but she's efficient. Annoying. Vuj is incredibly efficient. She was like, excuse me, do you want to give our Instagram a follow? So I go on, she set it up. What was it?

70 seconds before she messaged me. It's MTGM pod. That's the thing. And Joanne, I would like to say, by the way, you were up. You posted a story about being sick, saying it's a snow day and you hadn't followed the pod. And that's when I thought,

that little bitch. Sorry, I thought Angela Ansboury had died. Clearly she hasn't. This is intense detective stuff going on here. Vooge is the new face of Murder, She Wrought. Speaking of mispronouncing things again. So I was again with my publisher, Martina, today. I was like, do you know what?

I said, we'll probably get it out before I die. And then she said, do you know what? If we publish it after you die, you'll probably do better. And I said, oh, yeah. I've always wondered why people bought, like, you know, there's no kudos to getting fame post-Homas. And she was like, excuse me. I was like, post-Homas. And she was like, do I was like post hummus

and she's like do you mean posthumous and I was like and I was like look I know I know it's not I know it's not

I know it's not pronounced posthumous but that when I read it that's what I hear I actually thought it was posthumous

but it's posthumous I didn't know it was posthumous myself I'd like read it that's what I hear I actually thought it was posthumous but it's posthumous I didn't know it was posthumous myself I'd like to pretend I did but it won't affect you because you're not going to die

so you'll never be posthumous you'll never get found posthumous thank you do you know what I've just found out from today right I find you so much funnier when I properly listen to you

what are you usually doing well because sometimes like the other day i was listening back to the pod and i'm like i didn't hear that joke it's because there's so much going on and then i'm talking i'm talking over you i had to get some of that cut out that was embarrassing um i don't know i need to calm do you know what you remind me of do you know do you know the um filter on um insta with the mouth just like the mouth just like engulfs the camera that's what I'm looking at twice a week for the last two years do you know what though when I look at some of the videos I'm like oh my god I can see my tonsils that's disgusting Joe if you see my tonsil in a video you wouldn't pop like a horse on it or something it's really

revolting like a nipple yeah I'd settle for a ball sack that's how much I don't want the tonsils to be imagine your videos got banned because they're like sexual content it's like no they're tonsils what another thing before we get into the emails got a couple of couple of DMs this week

saying from English women saying they were confused because remember we were talking about your one who almost choked in a few fruit pastille three english girls got in touch to be like hey this is the part blah blah blah just confused why do you call it a fruit pastille now joe you can confirm this you being the representative of UK. In England, they're like, we call it a fruit pastel. Oh, they do. But it's spelt pastel. Is it though?

Google it there. It is. It's a pastel. P-A-S-T-I-L-L-E. Yeah. So we learned your language, you know, and now we speak it better than you. The student becomes the master. The student becomes the master.

It's like when they do pseudo creme. I know it's pseudo creme, but we say pseudo cream. And we invented it so we can call it pseudo shit if we want. Who says pseudo creme? English people say pseudo creme. That's like, watch your man Stephen Fry. You know what I mean? Like, there's no need for, there's no need to be so pedantic.

Good word, good word. Good use of the english language Prada Peter doesn't read so in this house I am literally rain man I was like I said her her town it's real acerbic and he was like acerbic he's like I don't know what that means either acerbic this is the more you talk the more it freaks me out I think you and Alan are actually meant to be

we are we are you and Spenny you and Spenny you turn the house into a dump but you'd have a great time together I feel like you guys will we swap

I take it from Spenny let's I'll take it from Alan too okay we'll try it yeah swap throw those car keys in the bell

Jo do you want to put those car keys in the bell. Jo, do you want to put your car keys in? You pop yours in too, Jo. Go on, fuck it. We're like, no one's taking the Ford Focus. That's Jo. No, if you're like, that's the key to her e-scooter. Everyone leave that as well.

No one takes that. Excuse me. Excuse me. I got an e-scooter. I have got my hands on an electric scooter. So excited. Imagine me going up and down to the Darts station in Hoth

because I'm going to bring it to Hoth because sometimes there's no car. I'm going to pop up and down to the Darts station. So when you say an e-scooter, I kind of see it as, in my mind, do you know Back to the Future?

Do you remember when it did little hoverboards? Yeah. So that's what I I is it kind of like a little skateboard with wheels underneath or is it like a what's the

is it a segway not a segway one of those things it's not a segway it's like a scooter like my scooter that I scoot with my leg except it's got an engine

on it of some kind wow they've got they've got Ducati ones they're pretty cool honestly I'm gonna look like coolest I'll look cool okay should we fucking host in Top Gear now before we know it Ducati ones. They're pretty cool. Honestly, I'm going to look like coolest.

I'll look cool, okay? Should we fucking host a Top Gear now before we know it? Oh God, I'd love that. Do you want to read some emails?

As per your recent request for near-death experiences, I just thought I would share mine. About 10 years ago, I stayed in uni and I was in halls

with some lovely Mexican girls. That summer, I went to stay with them in Mexico. That's lucky. And off we go to the beach with some of their friends. A few of these friends are sexy Latino guys, so I put to stay with them in Mexico. That's lucky. And off we go to the beach

with some of their friends. A few of these friends are sexy Latino guys. So I put on my sexy new bikini. We're out about a mile from the beach and a humongous wave hits me and pushes me under. I hit my head in a rock on the seabed. Don't know which way is up. Can't breathe and I'm floating underwater like this is it. I'm going to die. Everything starts going black and I get this overwhelming sense of calm as I pass into the beyond. Anyway, one of the cute guys drags me up to the surface and I'm coughing and choking and realize I'm not dead. Nor am I wearing my bikini top, which has floated off into the Pacific. Cue the panic when I realize my tits are on total display to the whole group.

I'm coughing my guts up and wondering whether dying would actually have been any worse. Especially when some old Mexican guy winks at me as i swim back to shore spent the rest of the day in a t-shirt and definitely didn't get some sexy time with a mexican guy love the part this sounds like some incel about this in his wet dream i don't believe this story for a second this sounds like the start there's not enough dying to be honest there needed to be more dying and my nipples were so hard from the salt. I'm not buying it. Great. Is there a link to her OnlyFans?

This feels like an ad. If I survived a near-death experience, I wouldn't care what was on show. I wouldn't care if there was, yeah, seaweed hanging out in my hoo-ha I'd be like

just delighted to be alive ah that's a bit far I'm a bit scared of seaweed now there's crabs hanging around in them all the time she just nearly died to be honest with you

I don't think she was close enough to death for me to get the you're right shit email next we didn't get the real drowning experience

because there was no unconsciousness yeah okay we shouldn't have asked for near death experiences only write in if you actually died that's what we want if you died and came We didn't get the real drowning experience because there was no unconsciousness. Yeah, okay. We shouldn't have asked for near-death experiences. Only write in if you actually died. That's what we want. Yeah, if you died and came back.

We'll start using a Ouija board for the bonus apps if anyone wants to communicate. Yeah, there you go. On the other side. I'd do a Ouija board now, I have to say. I would.

No, actually I wouldn't in case a poltergeist came along. No. If I come back, I'm going to come back as a poltergeist. Do you know why? Because at least I get to like mess around with people.

I get to throw things at them and terrorize them. If you're a ghost, you just kind of float around doing nothing. I'd rather be a poltergeist and like create proper havoc. Well, if you die before John Belton, you're going to be coming back for your training sessions anyway. Poor John. A hundred percent.

I wouldn't miss him for the day. Exactly. If I was the second you die, if I was John, I'd top myself because you will haunt him anyway 6am

squatting in his face yeah precisely hi Joanna Vogue the past weekend I had the most embarrassing one night stand

experience oh yes okay I went home with a guy and woke up violently hungover the next morning he wanted to have

sex when we woke up which I wasn't feeling too hot about but thought I'm too hungover to go to my Saturday gym session so I might as well use this ride as a workout I sometimes do that I do I'm like okay you know what I'm gonna go on top of this I want good legs for my holiday we finished the deed and

I was quiet for a while as I felt like I was on death's door I stood up and immediately fainted came to then vomited everywhere I had to get a friend to pick me up like a child gets their mom to pick them up from early from a sleepover i swear i gave this man the ick so aggressively that there's no coming back from this i may need vogue's help on changing my name and my passport so i can start a new life where i'm not a ball of ick love the pot keep live laugh loving give her vogue because you're voog now give her Vogue let her be Vogue you can have Vogue I'm Vogue I don't need Vogue I

this has triggered a memory in me I remember I was I fancied this guy for ages when I was younger and then he you know eventually kind of

threw the hand down and I think we went on a date can't remember anyway I wrote him bottom line and

I think it was one of my first Can't remember. Anyway, I wrote him. Bottom line. And, I think it was one of my first, one of my first, and probably one of my, I don't do, I don't really, I'm not great at the one night stand thing. I avoid where possible.

But, like that, I think I was so eager to impress that I went, I was on top. And I do remember, I remember him, I don't think he might have said something. I was like,

calm down. Something, I remember him, I don't think he might have said something, I wanted to stay out, like, calmed down. Something, something, something, something really bad that I'd actually blocked out until this very second. He was telling you to chill out because you were gone. Like, he was like, the next day was something, do you know when you wake up and they're just like, their eyes are just wide. Like they look like they got locked in syndrome. They just look traumatized. And he's just lying over the other side of the bed, facing the ceiling with his arms like a vampire. And I'm like, hey.

Oh no. And he's like, wow. I think he said something like, I've never heard my bed make that much noise, but not like in a sexy way. It was like, basically, basically I over egged the pudding. Well, do you know what, Joanna?

At least you weren't stuck there like a dead fish. Not finished. Oh no. He'd been in a long term relationship and they'd broken up and then we'd started dating and within 48 hours he was back with your one you scared him back to his ex

she owes me a fucking drink very kind of you very kind I rode him back to you I was so shit in the sack I rode him back to you you're welcome oh no

oh no oh no when you think about hey Spenno. Well, hello Spenno. On that note, sleepwalking. Oh God, sorry. Now that Spenny's gone. Yeah, that gives me the fear fear if you think about times when

you know you've been absolutely shite in bed and you're thinking yeah you know what i mean listen it's not an exact science yeah i'm a bit hit you can't be great the other we were spending and i were doing our pod the other day right and now in fairness i was very tired i wanted to read my book and go to bed and he was just eager eager eager and i was like i'll just fucking get it out the way it was one of those when I was like I literally can't be fucking honest I just didn't

to keep him happy and then the next day we're on our pod and there was a question because we had this question time thing and it was like name a time

when you've had a really bad experience in bed and he's like last night I was like fuck you he's like put down

he's like I'm about to cum will you put down the book Jesus for God's sake I'll put it to the side there's about to be a big reveal please though

please put down the Kindle okay Grant put down the Kindle I want to get a Kindle but I like the smell of books. I wonder if there's a book smelling Kindle. No, it's, you want, I prefer, I know it's probably not environmentally savvy,

but I prefer books. I concentrate more when it's, because it's the experience of the front and the back. And also. I was like, I need to work on my thank yous. And she was like, that's the book at least you're worth. Jesus. I'll be like how many words how many words

oh god how many words does it have to be I don't know it'll be a colouring book it'll be a colouring book well I'll buy it sleepwalking so I was staying in a guy's house for the first time after a date and I slept walked out of the flat and came to in kind of indoor outdoor stairwell of the flats. I didn't know which door I'd come out of because I'd not been there before.

I decided to look through all the letterboxes to see if I could see my shoes. Oh, no. I woke up a couple. They called the police, but were told not to let me in because I might be dangerous. Oh, and I'm completely naked, by the way, other than a hair bubble. Five policemen turn up and have a go knocking with me in a blanket, asking if someone called Tim lives there. They eventually said, yes, my flatmate.

Then go into his room with flashlights, asking me to confirm we know each other. Mortified. Oh, no. That's really bad. That's actually quite terrifying. She just threw in the nakedness. She didn't deliver it like the drowning woman of like

in a sexy way I respect that she wasn't like and the sand was dripping off my erect nipples she was just like oh and I was bollock naked by the way

sorry can we just say for anyone so obviously the Ghost of Tour is on sale. Ticketmaster, it's very, it's a pain in the hell.

I never knew this, by the way. I know, it's a pain in the hell. Ticketmaster got a certain allocation, the venues got a certain allocation. So the venue, the show can come up as sold out on Ticketmaster,

but the venue still has tickets. So most of the venues outside of London, they're only about 80% sold. So there's 20% of tickets left at the venue. If you're looking for tickets, go directly to the venue. Birmingham, you continue to haunt me. I'm there next week. Jesus, Birmingham. It's gone far enough now. Bye.