My Therapist Ghosted Me - MTGM EXTRA! "I looked at his phone."

Episode Date: February 7, 2024

It's that ol' story this week... 'I looked at his phone.' Look, it's going to happen from time to time, but you're rarely going to find something good. Plus, licking things and pronouncing "Chicago" in an odd way.If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] review Global's Privacy Policy: https://global.com/legal/privacy-policy/For merch, tour dates and more visit: www.mytherapistghostedme.com/For more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThis episode contains explicit language and adult themes that may not be suitable for all listeners.Thank you!

This is a Global Player Original Podcast. Welcome to the bonus episode of My Therapist Ghosted Me. It is still me, Dmaine McNally, and it is still Vogue Williams. Vogue, tell me, why do you look like a sexy baby? It's called mermaid hair, I was told. What's going on? I know it's called mermaid hair I was told because I was doing what's going on I know

I know it's actually it's quite off-putting when somebody has had their hair and makeup done well it's certainly me and Jo feel

very humbled you guys actually look very similar you've both got your little grey hoodies on now in fairness I don't always

look like this Hadley and Buster were attacking me you certainly don't I know I certainly don't always look like this Hadley and Buster were attacking me You certainly don't I know I certainly don't I certainly do not Turning up

dressed up like a dog staying around a Friday afternoon is obnoxious as far as me and Jo are concerned It's actually it's not right I'll turn off my camera We've enough mental health issues

please turn off your fucking camera I look too fucking good for this camera I was doing Lorraine this morning. I do my little fashion segment on there. And he overlined my lips and I swear to God, I look like a fish and I love it. One of those giant fishes, you know them ones?

Yeah, the sucker fish. Oh God, I don't know what, I'm going to find out the lip liner. I'll tell you all girls because loads of people have been asking about the lips. You look fab, I will say. But you know, just before we go to Lorraine,

do you know that sucker fish, is it, no, sorry, it's puffer fish. Have you seen the documentaries where dolphins are getting high sucking puffer fish? Well, I didn't, but I saw you send something

to the group. Yeah. That's a very Joanne thing to send to the group. It's so funny. So if you overeat a puffer fish you'll die but if you just like take a little bite out of it you'd get mad at it

and so all these dolphins are like tripping I swear to watch the video they're like off their tits and then they release the puffer fish the puffer fish survives they just literally get high they just get high and I was like oh my god maybe Fungi is actually just in rehab or some shit.

Maybe he's not. I think though that humans can't eat a specific part of the pufferfish and I only know this from watching The Simpsons. Do you remember that episode

where Homer ate the bad part of the pufferfish and he was meant to die but then it turned out he hadn't eaten it. Yeah. No they aren't they aren't

they aren't for nibbles. Let's just say pufferfish are not going to be on the can of the can of powder they're very toxic but apparently if you just eat a little bit

if you lick it like let's lick frogs this weekend like the toads yeah you can get the dolphins you should google it

honestly it's absolutely fascinating like they're tripping balls and they're all just like goofing off and smiling and stuff Jo I'll lick whatever the goddamn hell I want this isn't a medical podcast

I'm out there licking snails trying to get high I can't find no frogs over here that's your business I don't think we need to caveat the fact that

we're not suggesting people lick insects for the weekend although Joanne McNally if we had had a few drinks and someone said lick that frog

and you will have a great time we would not spare one second and we would lick that frog and you will have a great time we would not spare one second and we would lick that frog I'd be on my knees quicker

quicker than you could say human centipede I would be down head to tail anything for a laugh like a little dog drinking water do you remember

that poor bastard who ate the slug as a dare do you remember him poor bastard who ate the slug as a dare do you remember him no no I don't oh god is that a real story

oh 100% so like that he was out with the lads etc and they dared him to eat this slug I think it's Australia

Joe you might want to fact check that and he ate it as like a dare and it was completely poisonous and he basically went into a

vegetative state. I think he died recently. Joe, you're nodding? She's absolutely Oh my God. Yeah. Do not eat

slugs. Terrible. That is shocking. Really sad. Yeah. God love them. I know. I don't like to eat

disgusting things but when I did that Bear Gry, I don't like to eat disgusting things, but when I did that Bear Grylls show, I had to eat tarantulas, scorpions, crickets. I ate a rat on a stick. By the way, with this waiver thing, a three-ton... Tongue? I have them.

Do you have that? I bought it from China for $5. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, well, I'm just going to have it because I've never seen you use it. You don't need it. Now, you can't really plug it in unless you use

one of your fingers in the sockets but once you box off the electrics that's okay I'll just I'll get Otto to cover that part

yeah exactly I need both hands a child's finger in the socket and honestly like there's no looking back poor Otto

he'll be buzzing from the electric shock and you're like mummy looks like a mermaid, Otto. Don't be so selfish. We'll all be happy. Joanne McNally, I'm going to have to get another very large package to my house. I am happy to take your packages,

but over the next month, you have to collect them. No, I'm selling. We're trying to sell the house. This is exactly why I'm having my packages sent there because you didn't even tell me you were selling the house and this is your punishment. You're now my postal office. Well, I have never been so deeply offended.

The estate agent came over yesterday to be like, oh, like this was what could help sell the house. He's basically told me. He said, put your arm back in the basement. Is that what he said? He's told me I'm a disgusting pig and have too much clutter. So I've had to get on to our good friend, Kevin Carey.

Yeah. He was like, you need to put lots of this stuff in storage. Like it's, there's a lot of stuff. And I'm like, basically all the kids stuff. People don't want to think that a kid lives there.

Yeah. Kevin Carey, obviously our savior from Caroline Mavers is coming now to take all my stuff because people think I'm dirty. Who would have thought I'm the dirty one. Well, when I was away, even when you're not with a kid, so I have

kids, but when I was away, we were in this hotel and it was very child-friendly. I found myself sneering at the children's breakfast cart because I was like, ugh. I don't have my kids here. Because I was like, ugh. Oh, yeah, you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I am having...

I am having a self-development day today. Oh, how interesting. I saw you yesterday. I feel like you may have had a drink since yesterday. I had a drink yesterday with Michelle DeSworth. There was a drink taken, I cannot lie. Went back to her flat, had some more drinks,

and then I left her flat and I was scaling her gate. I couldn't figure out how to get out of her gate. Michelle had her phone stolen by some lad pretending to sell the big issue. So I was scaling her gate. I couldn't figure out how to get out of her gate. Michelle had her phone stolen by some lad pretending to sell the big issue. So I couldn't contact her. I know. Prick. I was like, something just happened there, Michelle. That was weird. He'd folded her phone. He kept saying,

God bless your family, but like looking us in the eye like really, like it was like really intense. Because he was nicking her phone off the table. Anyway. That's a good Rob though. Good Rob. I'm going to start saying that. God bless your family. her phone off the table. Anyway. That's a good Rob though. Good Rob. I'm going to start saying that. God bless your family. I'll take the Chanel.

I said, Michelle, you got to respect the hustle there. He actually worked for that phone, Michelle. I know all your memories and notes and everything are gone, but I mean, come on. That was a slick number he did in there. So I couldn't remember that. I think she should go back

and give him her house keys. He deserves them. Sorry, he does. Take my I-band number go on you deserve it so she's so I left her flat

and it's in a gated block of flats so I could not figure out how to get out of the block of flats so I was I was stuck on top of the gate with my backpack

and of course I couldn't ring Michelle she'd now found I couldn't remember what number of flats she was and I was like I'm just going to have to sleep in the garden

got back off the fence and then I was like there has to be a way there has to be a way and isn't there a giant red button the size of a fridge beside the gate saying like exit

anyway got home and I do feel like I overstayed my welcome in Michelle's she at no point said text me when you get home she just went bye

I was like Michelle. Is Michelle a comedian? She is yeah. Which means yeah she's pretty cutthroat. She was like good luck to you. Goodbye.

Anyway then today I was looking at Catherine Ryan's Insta and she when she wants a break from her children and her husband

she says she needs some self-development time and takes herself to her bedroom. I saw that yesterday. Yeah. I don't have children or a husband

but I feel like today is a self-development day for me so I'm just going to sit in bed developing all day. I get that when Catherine Ryan says that because like I'll like

let's say I'll sit down and just I want to have a cup of tea and I have not you know what I'm like I have not sat down all day. Spenny won't think of like getting up to do something

like I'll still have to do it so I have to just hide out. You have to just hide or else you don't get get that fine like yesterday I was moving a painting that I got upstairs couldn't have been heavier because it was on like some I don't know metal thing it was put on amazing painting I'll show you and he watched me carry the painting up the stairs I'm like can you see what I'm doing here that, that sounds like a man who's been told to sit the fuck down many times in his marriage.

You're like, I don't need your help or assistance. I've birthed three children. I have 28 abs and I certainly do not need your assistance to get this painting up the stairs.

I will tell you one thing and I will tell you no more. He is very, very lucky that I've had this break from him now. I've got a 40 minute break here for the bonus because I was in, I was very now I've got a 40 minute break here for the bonus because I was

in, I was very, I had a very strict time schedule today because we had to do this and I've got something else and Spenny waltzes in 20 minutes late to our record waltzes straight in 20 minutes late and then I'm getting ready because I was going to hop on the back of his motorbike so I could get home

as quickly as possible and I looked at him and I said where's the helmet I asked you to bring me? I forgot. I had to leave Global without even saying goodbye. He's trying to kill you. If I say goodbye, I'm going to kill him with my eyes. I wanted to kill him. He is trying to kill you. He wants you to tumble off the back into the traffic and look what he's trying to do. I'm telling you telling you I actually I could have thrown him into oncoming traffic myself but now that I've gotten home and I've reflected

on the tube here because I was that woman running through the tube station and I've reflected and I've forgiven him privately he won't know that I I had something

to forgive him for but he's forgiven he's escaped it good for him I've added a second Chicago date sorry does Chicago He's escaped it. Good for him. I've added a second Chicago date. Sorry, does Chicago love you or what? Chicago has finally stepped up.

Thank you, Chicago. Chicago. Remember I had to pull the first Chicago, but that was some weird deal with the promoter. I don't know what the fuck that was about. It was bizarre. So I did not expect much from Chicago this time. Yeah. First Chicago is gone, I'm putting on a later

Chicago show. I don't know if you knew this about me, but I'm actually a Chicago native. Yes. I lived in Chicago for three months in the summer. Stop. I didn't realise you were from Chicago. I am from Chicago.

Oh my God. I had a great time living up in Chicago that's crazy that you're from in the summer it's amazing yeah I used to go to the beach

and look at the city and say wow I love my city is Chicago on the beach no there's a little lake Lake Michigan that you lie beside

and you see all of the it's a very big lake it's massive it's a very big lake it's a very big lake so you're going to have a great time in Chicago they've really it must be my family

and stuff spread stuff around there just my peeps from back when I lived in the town itself you know it's the Wilson Grommets you're welcome

I will have 10% of your earnings thank you so funny my brother's like yeah I know a couple of people in Chicago sent them your way

yeah I said god thanks that must be thanks Connor the only reason you're big in Chicago is because of myself and your brother

I'll be totally honest I've no idea it could be a 20 seater I've absolutely no idea what I'm walking into so like anyway look I'm absolutely thrilled

there's a second Chicago date on 25th there's a 7.15 show and I've now put on a 9.30pm show oh Jesus Christ a 9.30 Christ alive

you poor bitch I know well I'll have the I'll have the eye mask on absolutely oh my god I bought this eye mask and the white noise machine

on in the background to relax myself so I can go straight to sleep after I have got to tell people about this eye mask I'm going to go into my is this the thing you sleep

the kind of balaclava that you sleep in no this one is okay it's this the thing you sleep the kind of balaclava that you sleep in no this one is okay it's called the Mindfold Sleep Mask looks disgusting you cannot see a single thing

like no it's complete black if you want to know what it feels like to die put this on and open your eyes that's what it looks like Jesus

it's brilliant I've never honestly had a great sleep two nights I've owned it cost me 15 quid thrilled with it fair play you're big into those things in fairness Jesus. It's brilliant. I've never, honestly, had a great sleep. Two nights I've owned it. Cost me 15 quid. Thrilled with it. Fair play.

You're big into those things. In fairness, you are a professional sleeper. So I will take your advice. It's very important to me. It's very important. I've never seen anyone sleep with the class and quality that you do.

It's amazing. I put so much effort into it. Speaking of death, I did Kathy Burke's podcast Where There's a Will, There's a Way? Where There's a Death, There Burke's podcast, Where There's a Will, There's a Way? Where There's a Death, There's a Will? Where There's a Will, There's a Wake. I did that as well.

Sorry, Where There's a Will, There's a Wake. I know, I know. And she was saying to me, she was like, Vogue is very scared of death. I said, indeed, she is, Kathy. We literally counsel her through it every week. And she said that you had felt

kind of better about the hell-dying experience. I lied. I did not feel better. Okay, of course. I felt you did lie. I said, Cathy, I sense. Big lies from that lying bitch. I sent some fake news there. She just walks out and runs into traffic. She's like, I'm willing to do it now.

I have no reservations. Hit me, hit me. Take me, Jesus. Can't wait to get the next chapter of my life started. I did actually, you know, I had a conversation with Svenny about that, about, because we've decided that we're only death do us part, then we're finished.

So in the afterlife, I'm off on my own because I mean, I'm sorry, I'm not being his for like. No, good idea. And like Brando's up there and all, you wouldn't know what you'd bump into. I don't know exactly like it's very important for me to be alone

during that time but he's already started backtracking like he wants to be with me in the next life I'm like he's sick in that get a grip

you loser he's sick in that you could have a chance at Marilyn Monroe up there come on it's till death do us part bitch

and then I'm free okay yeah I'm free to wander and twerk and slag my way around up there if that's what I choose to then I'm free okay I'm free to wander and twerk and slag my way around up there if that's what I choose to do

I was not a whore enough in this life but you can be god damn sure in the next life I am going to be the biggest whore in heaven that's going to be

Vogue the whore is my name Hulk Hogan is going to be up there like Brad Pitt of course he's going to die before Vogue

surely oh you mean what I Joe was suggesting he was curious as to why I would suggest you'd want to bang Hulk Vogue Surely Oh you mean what I Joe was suggesting He was curious as to why I would suggest You'd want to bang Hulk Hogan And that is a fair question Joe

I'm on a self development diet I'm not I mean where did Hulk Hogan And focused on other things Hey Vogue and Joanne Ande ah that's nice thank you i wanted to get your advice on something me and my boyfriend have been together for over six months it's all been so fantastic he's so wonderful great sex and we have such a laugh and we're already talking about getting married you sound like me um why on earth are you contacting us?

This seems to be going perfectly well. But I did the unspeakable and went through his phone. I know, I know, but sometimes you just need to know the lay of the land. I saw that in the summertime he'd asked his friend for their friend's number

and asked her on a date for him. As Joanne would say, I got my Poirot on and lined the dates up and saw that we'd gone on four really great dates by the time he's asking for a date with another girl i don't even think he messaged her but this has made me feel so weird weird in my mind i wouldn't have been asking for a lad's numbers at this time i know i know i need to forget it but she's an absolute knockout and

the complete opposite of me it's so easy to compare and feel insecure how do i just move on do not or talk to him about it do not talk to him about it and also you think she's a knockout but he thinks you're a knockout because he went for you i think four dates is absolutely fine i really really do i would i would not bring it up i would i wouldn't throw away something great because he asked for a number of someone you're only four dates in I told you like me and Adam were three dates in and um he told me on the third date he was like your photos on your profile don't do you justice and I was like really and he's like yeah so I went home and changed them all so that I could get someone fresh in and then he met and then he asked me again did you just update all your profile photos and I was like well yeah you tell me they weren't doing me justice.

And I'm still out here. Like I'm still swimming around to the pond. He was absolutely horrified. But yeah, like three, three, four dates, fine. Yeah, until you literally say that you're going out with each other. Like I ended up marrying Sven and I had a great time. When you backtracked it to whatever date suited you both and that's fine

choose a date yeah choose a date stick to it like I wouldn't think four dates is a big like it obviously it's a big deal

because you're getting to know each other but like I see them in America they'd have 12 dates a week in America in the Americas there's no

in the Americas they don't commit like I've seen obviously I'm getting all my information from HBO where women are like are we kind of

you know and also Saxon City they're like dating these lads who think that they're I mean this is a very it's a late 90s reference but he were also

dating other women don't fuck it away don't throw it away because he's gone he went ass-summoned after four dates yeah you're grand okay

last email I dated a guy let's call him ben back in 2021 for a few months he seemed so perfect for context he lives 200 miles away from me and we well joanne that could be in australia for all drawn and i would know we don't i don't know no uh ben dropped me off home after dates bought me gifts and took me away for my birthday and even told me he loved me we ended things as he wanted to settle down and i was about to start a ski season so it seemed like the right thing to do fair enough i'd probably ditch someone for skiing in fairness ski season

okay it always seemed like right person wrong time ben accidentally texts me in november 2023 with a message for work however i knew ben had a work phone so there was no accident there. No accident there. We chatted on a few... No, I think this is turning... This sounds quite nice but usually our emails turn... I mean, he dumped him

for a ski season. I'm surprised he contacted you at all but carry on, Doug. We chatted on a few occasions and he told me I was the best he'd ever had. Ooh, that's nice to know. And that he missed things between us

and definitely got my hopes up that we could rekindle things. In all honesty, some of these messages were definitely not PG. Long story short, I found out Ben had a girlfriend the whole time we dated in 2020. Ben!

He proposed to his girlfriend five days after we broke up as soon as I went to France. Got married in June last year, so I was married when he was texting me naughty pics and asking to meet. I'd no idea the entire time. I'd obviously been following on Instagram, but there was no pictures of his girlfriend or wife. He now knows that I know Ben sent me a text pretending to be his wife from an unknown number. And she said that Ben had told her everything about the affair.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. ben sent who a text so so she got a message from an unknown number pretending to be ben's wife saying she knew everything about the affair why pretend to be ben's well but would we not assume that she is now so she said i knew it was ben pretending to be his wife due to the way the message was typed and to cover up his tracks oh he's now told me his wife is pregnant i don't know whether to believe this he's called me and cried on the phone begging me not to tell his wife i'm not blocked on everything including linkedin what a weirdo he's yeah message pretending to be from his wife so that she thinks oh the wife knows there's no point yeah oh god i got it okay what do i do do i tell his wife really dark i would literally stay so fucking far away from that like get don't don't bring that shit into your own life i would

just block him and literally never speak to him again i think this sounds positive i think there is a good core to this i think think there is maybe some trust issues. I think, Ben, sounds like maybe there's something to work on here. I think that you should not listen to one single word that my friend Joanne just said. Colleague, doctor, if you don't mind.

My doctorate colleague, friend, paleontologist, Joanne McNally. Doctor, professor, Joanne. Yeah. the worst possible advice of all time this lad is I mean it's not ideal

it's not great stay away but I'm always I'm always I'm always torn on the detail the wife and husband thing no no

I just I never know what the right thing to do it feels like it's very subjective there's certain situations where maybe they are entitled to know and certain situations where they're not.

I don't think there's like one size fits all answer to that question. By this, I just don't think I just would stay away from it. You're far enough away from it as it is. I would just literally have nothing to do with it because if you do tell the wife, then like you're the bad person. And also, I will say, and maybe this sounds very cynical, but I would imagine with Ben, you're not his first rodeo.

If this is what he does, this is what he does. So there's probably, you know, six to seven other women out there slipping around in his DMs or whatever it is. Like, you know. You know.

Not to be trusted. Ditch him. And good luck to Ben and his wife. And they're, are they having a baby, did you say? She doesn't know if it's true.

Anyway. Oh my God, Ben is bribing her by saying my wife is having a baby. So don't fuck her up. Yeah. Wow.

Oh, there's my, that's my butter dish. It's just been delivered. Oh, thank God you've got a butter dish. My butter dish is here, guys. Thank God my butter dish has arrived. Now I just have to get butter.

I saw this dish in a magazine last night at whatever time and I said, this dish has to be mine. We've got some American dates coming up. We're going to New York and Boston. Boston. We're going to America. I'm finally going over to America.

I'm absolutely thrilled. If anyone can get me a discount on the visa, I'd really appreciate it. It's very expensive, so I'm currently going to America for free. Can you not do, have you not figured out how to do a collab with the American government?

I'm absolutely shocked by that, to be honest. Hashtag Americas. Like, come on. Swipe up for a green card, guys. MyPurposeGoesToMe.com. Also, please do send us in your emails tell us your dirt give us your goss