MTGM EXTRA! "I really like her brother..."
00:00 This is a Global Player Original Podcast. Welcome to my therapist ghosted me the bonus episode with me Joanne McNally, punctual and professional and her Vogue Williams, lazy sleazy bitch. Vogue Williams who slipped her mind because she was in the process of cooking delicious crispy potatoes, salmon and also a bolognese for my children so I wasn't sitting on my arse doing Williams who it slipped her mind because she was in the process of cooking delicious crispy potatoes salmon and also a bolognese for my children so I wasn't sitting on my arse
00:28 doing nothing don't you dare bring your children into this it slipped her mind because you were slipping down the slopes because you were on another fucking holiday yeah I am
00:35 do you know what I was thinking as well I was like I'm surprised you pay tax anywhere like you're never in you're never in single country for any length of time
00:45 I'll tell you what She does an afternoon In every country And then jets off To the next thing I'll tell you what How does your body temperature cope With going from
00:52 St. Bart's heat To the Alps I haven't been to St. Bart's Since like November That was last year This is my first holiday This year
01:01 Where were you At the start of January I got back to London On the 2nd of January I was within Within the United Kingdom Is all got back to London on the 2nd of January I was within within the United Kingdom is all you need to know do you know what I was
01:09 do you know what I as well by the way I've already booked my next holiday I always find that funny you know those whenever you get an abusive comment oh what does she do
01:17 except go on holidays I would go on holidays every goddamn day if I could I want to work work work work work holiday holiday holiday holiday holiday
01:23 that's the joy of well like working for yourself which I used to work work work work holiday holiday holiday holiday that's the joy of well like working for yourself which I used to do but like I say now I work for Vogue but when I worked for myself I had a great life
01:32 do you know what I mean Joanne's an absolute she's a bully I worked I worked and then you can take the time off nasty
01:41 she goes to me I was over at the fridge and she was like no don't worry don't worry we'll record do you know what we'll record tomorrow
01:48 but I won't forget it and I thought I have one up on you now and I thought no you don't I dropped everything last week Vogue
01:55 gave me you know a little bit of shit because I accidentally lost the record of the entire podcast I don't think she pressed record is actually what happened
02:04 okay Vogue you don't know okay pressed record. That's actually what happened. Okay. Vogue, you don't know. Okay. You're not wagging it. Jo, Jo, Jo, honestly. Honestly, and you're honest. You're the techiest.
02:14 Don't be Jo into this. Don't be Jo into this. Jo, honest opinion. He's the third person. Go on, Jo. Swear on your life. Do you reckon she just didn't press record? Jo's life isn't worth anything.
02:23 Okay. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if he swears it's not worth anything would we have to go to your funeral would it look bad if we didn't go to his funeral would we have to go you can't see anything
02:36 this is the thing you can't see anything it doesn't matter no one cares well go on Zoom have a Zoom one do you know do you know Toy Story
02:43 nearly never made it someone lost someone accidentally deleted Toy Story nearly never made it Someone lost Someone accidentally deleted Toy Story Yes Do you remember that story Yeah Yeah and then it just so happened
02:51 I don't know how true this is now But it's one of those stories No it is true I've even heard it So it has to be true Yeah Because Vogue only deals in facts I only deal in factual things
02:59 And I only read the Daily Mail If it's gone to me It's been fact checked 90 times Okay I'm Vogue Williams I don't just take in information Willy n me it's been fact checked 90 times I'm like I'm not just taking information willy nilly
03:06 It's been fact checked and I'm pretty sure So and then it just turned out that some woman was on maternity leave and she'd had a copy of it Yeah
03:15 That's the only way that they had it Isn't that mad? And you know what great movie Toy Story Can't fault it It's the only positive story
03:22 I've ever heard to come out of maternity leave and I toast to it yeah nothing positive has ever come out of you but not maternity leave but anyway
03:28 you're here excuse me that's why I only got three weeks from the pod because Joanne was literally like shoving me in the back with a stick she's like get up
03:35 that's enough maternity leave she doesn't believe in it she doesn't want me to have it that's because I miss you socially not because I want to work I know I don't want to work I think this is what I've decided I don't want to work. I think this is what I've decided.
03:45 I don't want to work. I really don't. I'm over it. I did a really intense year. And personally, I think that's enough for any woman. I will tell you, right? It's one of the only times I've ever missed Spencer not drinking. Because he used to be like, I used to go on these five-hour lunches.
04:00 Now, I can't even finish my coffee before he's like, back on the slopes. Back on the slopes. I'm absolutely wrecked. I'm asleep by like half eight every night because Spencer wants to get every single second out of the day. I'm not even allowed to have lunch practically. It's really tough. And if he drank he would be in the place more. I could just
04:17 relax for a minute. I'm not even allowed to go for a wee sometimes. I can just see the headline now Vogue Williams says life on the slopes is very tough. A sober Spencer insists she does every slope. So be Spenny. Have you ever skied, Joanne? Never.
04:35 Now, I wanted to ask you what it's like. I've never done it. I feel like it's one of those holidays. It's like when I go on holidays And I want to do Loads of sunbeds Before I go Because I want to arrive
04:48 Looking like I belong Now I don't do sunbeds Because they're irresponsible Skiing's the same I'd love to If I went I'd have to do loads of skiing Before I went
04:56 I couldn't arrive I'd just like tumble It'd be embarrassing Just doing like I don't even know what I would do The crab What would I do You'd do a pizza slice
05:04 I think you'd be ok look T's skiing now it's only his second day he's skiing on his own ah come on I've seen the footage
05:10 I wouldn't call it skiing now I'm going to send you new footage today of him skiing alone on his own with his little hands out doing his pizza slice and he is brilliant
05:20 and I've never had a prouder moment in my entire life I did hear him squeal I thought it was very cute until we got an instructor today for the first time and he told us that Svenny and I were never had a Prater moment in my entire life. I did hear him squeal. I thought it was very cute. Until we got an instructor today for the first time and he told us that Sveni and I were on a level four. So we kicked his ass.
05:32 We're way better than him. What are the levels? I don't really know. He just said that we're really good. We're level four. And after level four is going off piste, which I'm not going to do. Anyway, there was all this talk
05:43 about these bottomless punches in Dubai. This girl messaged me. I got a couple of stories about. Anyway, there was all this talk about these bottomless punches in Dubai. This girl messaged me. I got a couple of stories about, sorry, first of all, where's my head supposed to be? The last video we made, I had a head like Andre the Giant.
05:52 Is there any, why is folks' head like a pea and mine so large? Joe, can you ask me? Listen, Joanne, you have never looked more magnificent. Look at the state of me.
06:00 Like, honestly. I know, look at you. You're delighted about it as well. Joe, filter this, right? She can't help herself, can she? I got a bottle. It's my last night in Dubai. I'm all alone.
06:11 I got a bottle of champagne delivered to the room. Stop, you bougie bitch. I know. Last night, I was like, dinner to myself. And I was like, I'm not arse going out. Champagne to myself. And it arrived up. And of course, your man has the two glasses and all.
06:24 It's so embarrassing. Because he's like, what hedonistic ditch pig is going to order a bottle of champagne to myself and it arrived up and of course your man has the two glasses and all. It's so embarrassing because he's like what hedonistic ditch pig is going to order a bottle of champagne to herself? Are you celebrating? I'm the problem.
06:32 It's me. I've nothing to celebrate but I'm just fucking doing it anyway. I find that so boring to get drunk on my own because I get so giddy that I just want people
06:40 to be around. Yeah, but that's not how naive you are. This won't make me drunk. I'll just clean my face properly. my god I'd be absolutely two irons in I'd be gone we I have I've successfully completed is it the 31st yet tomorrow I have successfully completed dry January and my sister and my cousin are coming over here on Wednesday and we're gonna because I've never done that. Like I see people skiing and they go on all these like amazing,
07:08 like they're at this restaurant with all this music going off. I've never done that my whole life. So we're going to try and find one of those places tomorrow. No, I've never, I've never skied and I want to ski. You should, that's something you should do. If you're skiing, you surely should. Some people don't even ski. I've never apres skied and I want to apres ski. You should apres ski. That's something you
07:25 should do if you're skiing. You surely should apres. Some people don't even ski. They just apres. That would be you. We'd lose you to a five hour lunch. Oh yeah. Obviously, I'm in Dubai. All the talk is about bottomless brunch. Blah blah blah. So people were saying to me in their stories
07:41 of bottomless brunch stories and of course I'm not promoting irresponsible drinking But you know yourself Whatever This one came in from Fiona Bottomless brunch is wild One time I drank so much champagne Gin
07:53 And absolutely everything else That was on offer Later that night The hotel put me In a wheelchair To take me to my room I was so smashed Sad face
08:04 I got No to take me to my room. I was so smashed. Sad face. I obviously didn't remember until my friend informed me the next day. Also, just to add, the wheelchair had straps that resembled a straitjacket. Oh no. Needless to say, the wheelchair had straps that resembled a straitjacket. Oh no. Needless to say, I was mortified. You know when you wake up really happy and then you remember.
08:33 She got strapped in. Strapped in. No, you'd wake up, you're never happy. You wake up knowing something's bad, knowing something bad's happened. Then you've got like buckle marks on your arms. You're like, what the fuck? Oh my God. I was strapped into a chair last night.
08:48 That's their ratchet shit. The worst I've done I was on a uni trip to Barcelona and I'd completely lost the run up. On a what trip? A uni trip. A uni trip. I went to uni in Scotland
09:00 it was free and also I only got half the points I needed for the course I wanted to do so I went I went on a uni trip anyway
09:11 and we went to Barcelona and they'd taken me to because I did a course there was one other girl on the course or something two other girls
09:17 and me what? it was a three woman course well no because the rest were men it was construction design and management oh sorry
09:24 I was like I know so we went and I completely lost run of myself the last thing I remember is being in some square
09:32 I mean Barcelona is not the place you want to lose the run of yourself anyway they had to bring me back to the hostel and the lecturer
09:39 like saw me getting basically dragged in and he had to leave my bedroom door open and leave my bedroom door open and leave his bedroom door open until everyone came home.
09:48 This again, Vogue, one of those stories that, do you know what I mean? I would say you have found yourself in way worse situations. Jo, can you imagine a uni course full of lads working in construction
10:03 and Vogue walks in? Like I'd say the amount of wank banks you're in you've more fucking you're bigger than the credit union in Scotland
10:11 I'd say just wank bank central I only had one friend one proper friend called Steve and he was I think he was 15 years older than me
10:19 and he used to call me his shadow because like I literally just followed him around Steve he was so sound I'd say you're still in his wank bank man don't forget I don't think you know I was never me his shadow because I literally just followed him around. Steve, he was so sound. I'd say you're still in his wank bank. Man, don't forget.
10:27 I don't think, you know, I was never in Steve's wank bank, I don't think. Folk, don't be so naive. You've got tits and a head. Of course you were in his wank bank. They're not complicated
10:38 creatures. I will take the compliment. so I'm in Dubai so I was supposed to go Dubai, Dublin and then to New York I was going to get like a winter wardrobe because obviously I'm just
10:56 I've just got like fucking bikinis and shit summer bits summer bits and I can't now because there's been there was a you know
11:04 issue with the visa and basically I don't know I think I'm on the run now so I can't now because there's been there was a you know issue with the visa and basically I don't know I think I'm on the run now so I can only go through Dubai to New York I can't go home
11:11 I don't know What are you do you want it's like the depths of winter there Exactly so I was doing a bit of shopping but I was also doing a bit
11:19 of summer shopping for anyway it doesn't matter anyway my card declined and I was morto and they were like oh unusual activity
11:26 unusual activity so I rang them and everything else was fine and then they were like oh there was unusual activity and I tried to buy a bikini in Forever 21 and my bank
11:34 basically shot itself because they were like they clearly went you're a middle aged woman what the fuck are you doing trying to buy a bikini in Forever 21 and the whole banking system
11:43 crashed and so I was on the phone for an hour and do you know when then they read out every single purchase you've made and it's so
11:52 embarrassing well it's so scary I find it's like it's very scary I know it's like I spent 40 euro
12:00 on the dairy cream what the fuck where was that where was that where was that so what are you going to do have you got winter clothes now how what are you going to do? Have you got winter clothes now?
12:07 How long are you in New York for? Two days? No, ten days. Oh God. I know. And I'm going with the... Why are you there for ten days? Because I'm working. I think I like to make...
12:17 Like, I want to have America as an option. Yeah, I know. I do want to have America as an option. I like New York. Oh my God. Please go get a sandwich for me there's this sandwich
12:27 in Cat's Deli oh oh no maybe that's pork and I can't eat that anymore oh what do you mean no I'm not eating
12:36 pigs anymore the pigs have heard this bullshit and they know it's a lie no listen I'm going to try my best for the pigs I might have had a slip up
12:43 recently but I am giving up the pig. I haven't had bacon or anything delicious like that. So well done me. Okay. Hi, girls. I've messaged Joanne before at Insta. Oh, what a bitch.
12:53 Didn't write back. About how I couldn't get over my ex-boyfriend. Oh, no, you did write back. She gave me some stellar advice that I now repeat to friends that are in the position I was in. So thank you, Joanne, you queen. What did you say? Oh, I don't know what you said you were probably
13:06 yeah anyway but I have another problem now and yes I have therapy but I want your girl's advice given I listen to you constantly
13:12 when I'm out of eps I go back and listen to old ones okay I live with my best friend in the world and recently kissed her brother a couple
13:20 of times and then slept with him the other day I really like him and this is stressful as I never like anyone I told my friends we slept together and she was okay about it but she doesn't know we've been talking.
13:30 How bad is this? Should I just draw a line? It's really bad. Or should I trust my feelings and run with it? No, don't trust your feelings. I'm 26, haven't had a boyfriend since my ex and at the beginning of 2020. No. I like it.
13:45 No, I don't like it. Why don't you like it? Because someone else is finding love. No, I don't like it because... Joanne, I would let you have sex with my brother. Okay? You can have sex with my brother.
13:59 Don't be so naive. Do you think I haven't written your brother? Open your fucking eyes. Open your eyes. He's literally under the table right now as I stop it I don't like it because I'll tell you why I know a girl who did hook up with her best friend's brother and married him and they've got kids now but as far as I know she hasn't a relationship with the friend anymore
14:26 or something. Do you know what I mean? Like, I think it's one or the other. I don't think you get to have your cake and eat it. So I would exercise caution. Exercise caution. I also don't think, right, I don't think that you can just turn it off.
14:38 Like, if I really fancy somebody, I just want to like, that's it. I really fancy them. Yeah, but nothing stokes the groins more than someone you're not supposed to fancy then it's like it goes from a level 3
14:48 to a level 28 and then I disagree and then when you put it in the cold light of day when everyone's like actually do you know what Grant ride your uncle
14:56 and you put it in the cold light of day suddenly he's not as hot anymore that's what I've learnt lesson 101 honestly that's what it is it's amazing the things
15:05 that you don't want cut out and then you don't mind leaving in right in your own no but it's true if someone's like no no you can't you can't then you feel like
15:16 the world is against you and it adds to the romance and the sexual chemistry like if you tell somebody if you like I remember going I was going out with this guy and he had cheated on me
15:26 with somebody else and then his friend and then his friend sorry I just love the way you caveat that it was with somebody else he had cheated on me with somebody else as opposed to himself
15:37 okay go on and then the friend started going out with the girl he cheated on and I was absolutely raging about it but then it turned out that that girl was actually really sad. Hold on. Start that again.
15:50 My boyfriend cheated on me. His best friend started going out with the girl he cheated with. Gotcha. It was only kiss cheating. It wasn't like crying and cheating. So very different. Level one. Yeah, level one.
16:03 And actually it turned out that she was very sad but that's the thing everyone I think like the saying goes all is fair in love and war when you take people out of their situations
16:13 everyone's saying no one's a monster no one's intentionally trying to fuck people over some people are monsters they're not well of course yeah
16:20 if we're talking about like Dr. Shipman and stuff but like other people just get sucked into certain situations and they get pulled along into this thing
16:27 that they think is a big romance and it's worth upsetting other people over so when you're the person who's being upset you think that that other person is very vindictive
16:36 but they're not they're just kind of going with their feelings and that's what happens you know well okay she's asked for advice and we're kind of
16:44 not giving it to her I think that you should go for it. Just exercise with caution. Yeah, I mean, it's a no from me. The fact that he's not... Well, then would you mind stop writing... You need to stop writing Alexander then.
16:53 Okay? Tell your brother that he's a thirsty bitch. I can't get that man away from me. So I'm playing catch up. Just listen to episode 18th of March. Do you know the way sometimes people message and go, oh, they've only started the podcast, so they're at a different episode versus what they see online.
17:14 And some girl messaged me going, oh my God, when I was on holidays in Africa with Alan. And she was like, oh my God, I'm on episode, whatever it was, six, seven. And she's like, I don't understand why you're in holidays with a man I assumed you were going to end up with Amber
17:26 and I laughed and laughed and laughed it does surprise me that one it's unusual me and Matt Damon going strong
17:34 you and Matt Damon you see once you see it you can't unsee it she's like hold on why are you in holidays with a man because I assumed you were going to end up
17:42 with Amber that's a question for Amber she's a little bit tight yeah my brother for my birthday brought me a voucher for a neuroma therapy massage I was greeted
17:51 by an older lady I'd say late 70s very short and buxom anyway she starts the massage with soft strokes
17:59 over my skin it was awful and I actually thought about making an excuse and asking her to stop. Anyway, being British, I lay there
18:09 and waited for it to be over. She then moved around to my head so she could do my back. She actually started to pick up a bit of pace at this point and I thought, oh, okay, it's better. However,
18:16 due to her huge boobs, small height and age, it meant that my head became nestled between her breasts where she leant over to massage the top of my buttocks.
18:25 Her bingo wings began slapping my back so I was basically motorboating her while she rubbed my arse and slapped me with her bingos. Well, I'm sorry but she should have paid double
18:35 to be motorboarded. Was it good? Motorboating. I always wanted to be able to do that but my boobs are so small it's just one of those things I'll never achieve.
18:43 To be kayaked between the breasts of an elder woman you're very those things I'll never achieve to be kayaked between the breasts of an elder woman you're very very lucky I need to be paying double that would be so soothing to be canoed in the bosom of a woman
18:52 you lucky bastard yeah I'd feel very accepted then and I'd feel like seven stars on Yelp safe space and I won't have a woman's arms
19:03 called bingo wings their arms I did you know I felt bad saying that yeah don't say that don't call them that help. Safe space. And I won't have a woman's arms called bingo wings. Their arms. I did you know I felt bad saying that. Yeah don't say that don't call them that. Joe show us your arms.
19:11 Everyone has a little bit. Karaoke wings that's what I call you Joe. Look and your arms are in bits. You motorboater. Did you never want to
19:17 be able to motorboat? That was one of my things. I would have loved to be able to do that. It's so easy I learned how to do
19:22 it in Guantanamo Bay. You can't do motorboating thank you very very much for listening to us we've had a lovely fantastic time thank you so much
19:33 goodbye we actually couldn't shut Joanne up so sorry about that it's actually this is a 32 minute episode soon to be cut down to 12
19:40 thank you so much for listening to the bonus episode 12 thank you so much for listening to the Bownest episode
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