My Therapist Ghosted Me - MTGM EXTRA: "Joan of Arc is a made up story..."

Episode Date: November 9, 2022

It's your midweek therapy session, with an update on aggressive cows, someone who claims to have known Joanne from way back when and an awesome act of confirmation name rebellion. If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] is going on tour in Ireland & The UK! Remember to check the venue websites as well as Ticketmaster! For more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThank you!

This is a Global Player Original Podcast. Hello and welcome to the bonus episode of, I keep going to call us Vogue and Joanne, but that's our name, to my therapist ghosted me with me Vogue and her Joanne. We've gone first names only, have we? And her Finbar. Finbar Finbar go try and get me with a bad name go on

go there you go Dougal Dougal's pretty bad Keith you're Keith Vogue you have to stop this

because you're safe in your mansion in St Bart's I'm out meeting real people okay and a lot of them are, there's a lot of Keats coming to these shows

and they're not happy about it. So can you just keep your hate speech down, please, for a day? So that I don't have to go out there and clean up your fascist mess. Chauncey, Chauncey. She's like, folks, like, names I hate. Rachel, Denise, Carol, Keith, Barry, Arthur. I never said any of those names. That's Joanne projecting, by the way, girls. she's like names I hate Rachel Denise Carol Keith Barry

I've never said any of those names that's Joanne projecting by the way girls so if you meet Joanne all those names she's just said

are ones that she doesn't like and she's always bitching about you but I don't care whatever Joanne says about you I think you're great okay

go on tell us what you're doing tonight today I'm still in my pyjamas I've been threatened to go to the gym for a week now. So far, no movement.

Literally just rolling around in my own dirt. Anyway, I'm bringing Geroad, my work wife, out to the Marion Hotel for his birthday because apparently it's kind of fancy.

So we're going to eat teeny tiny portions of like shallots or whatever they're called what are they called scalpels what are they called scallops gonna have a couple of scallops maybe maybe a prawn pill pill they won't they won't have a prawn pill pill in the marion how do you know it's not really prawn pill pilly that's like going to the marionette and asking for a big mac did you

do you know what have you seen the rooms in there excuse me yeah have you told them the caviar and if you could

just can you bring ketchup mayonnaise my dad used to do that apparently anywhere he went ketchup it didn't matter

where he was or what he was eating absolutely ketchup please anything I eat is ketchup and mayonnaise at the table at all times I don't give a shit where he went, ketchup. It didn't matter where he was or what he was eating. Absolutely. He'd be a curry, he'd be like, ketchup please. Anything I eat is ketchup and mayonnaise at the table. At all times,

I don't give a shit if it's, well, if it's breakfast, I need it, it's essential for breakfast. Ketchup and mayonnaise, think of me what you will, I will be happy. The Marion,

do they know it's you going? Are they going to let you in? Well, I booked, I don't imagine anyone who works in the Marion, I don't imagine anyone who works in the Marriott I don't imagine the maitre d' would be my audience I was going to say though I do

sometimes meet people and if they say oh I heard your podcast I kind of shrivel a bit inside and I'm like god I wonder what they've heard because I know that some people would be judging me 100% judging me some people me and Joe read me and joe

read the comments when you're not here and it is fucking the vast majority of oak well it's you know what i actually i've no comeback for it it's completely it's like well placed and very much well deserved i've stopped talking about go on oh I thought you froze so I thought I had to shut up no she makes like she's been coercively controlled by me she's like oh my god sorry you opened your

mouth so I just froze because I just got scared well since Joanna started selling out all of these Vicar Street she really does she completely like does horrible things to myself and Jo and she's a bully

she's a bully now on the pod. I've got an I've got a proper altitude problem now proper chip. Will we get down to some emails, Joanne?

Please Vogue, please. Hello, I recently moved back to Ireland and started listening to the pod to get back into the swing of things. After many episodes it occurred to me that I might have met Joanne

before she morphed into Joanne I think that I met Joanne at Irish College It was called Bruna something in Kerry. Joanne was in my class and I actually thought she was very good at Irish but in hindsight it was because I was so bad Now I was from a small country school in Cork and extremely shy at the time

people pretty much stuck to their groups except for for Joanne, who'd amble over and chat to me. She said to me, I'm from Killiney, and paused, waiting for me to respond. I hadn't a clue where Killiney was, but I felt that Joanne was waiting for me to be impressed. I think I said, oh. She told me that she planned to get work on the telly. I remember her asking about my name, on to get work on the telly. I remember her asking about my name, Barry Jean, and said, your parents must be hippies. Your parents must be hippies, are they? I pictured

my mother at home peeling spuds and my father watching Judy. I'm going to stop this lie right here and right now. This is fake news, false information. This is obviously from a Russian bot farm. Anyway, she told me, she told, listen, Joanne, Joanne, we already know, we know you're a Anyway, she told me, she told, listen,

Joanne, we already know, we know you're a bully. She told me that my siblings' names were boring. That's very true. And she started

calling me Bazzar Jean instead. I mean, I can't deny this woman has done her research, but, and she was now

listening to the pod. And then heard Joanne say that no one should ever call their child Barry. Well, thanks very much, Joanna. I don't know what sort of weird revenge this is. None of that is true. I want you kicked off Twitter immediately. Lies. Okay. I can't remember where I went

but it wasn't Kerry anyway no I was thinking no one from Dublin but like Kerry's beautiful but you wouldn't go the whole way to Kerry I do remember I went out with a lad

well obviously I went out with like 90 lads in Irish college for seven minutes each because that was what you did but one of them when we got back to Dublin I was like

are we going to stay we were going hey you know we were holding hands on the train home this was the shit like yeah

and he's like I can't I have a phobia of the phone I was like a phobia he's like yeah when it rings they like I just start shaking and all it's only now as an adult I'm like I don't know if that's true well you know what when I was younger when I was younger and like I remember the boyfriend I'm not going to say his name because he still lives near me and uh and I remember him saying I'll ring you later and I got so worked up about it I took out my A4 pad and wrote down subjects that we could talk about

that was so cute what are you doing this weekend? How's school? hold on I need to jot up an itinerary are you going to K2 yeah I was more inspired I wasn't very good at those things when I was younger

okay next email hi girls after hearing Vogue mention how dangerous cows are I had to share this story my boyfriend now husband and I were looking for a romantic picnic spot once and settled on a hillside with an amazing view it was a gorgeous sunny day and it all felt like something from a film.

Once we were all set up, some cows started making their way up the hill towards us. My boyfriend said there'd be nothing to worry about because they'd be perfectly gentle. He was wrong. The ringleader cow, she had horns, charged straight for us, ploughed through our picnic,

smashed a bottle on her way, and then turned around to line up for another attack. Plus the noise she made was manor from hell i jumped into a ditch full of thorns and my boyfriend ended up being fully catapulted into the air and dropped onto the floor it was like the pampelona bull run in spain we eventually abandoned we abandoned our picnic completely blanket and all and ran for the gate i had cuts all over me from the thorns and my boyfriend had a broken wrist two cracked ribs and a dislocated shoulder

do not for a cow fuck with cows Joanne I told you you better get I'm going do you know what I'm having

for lunch I didn't know cows could be so violent yeah I'm gonna get the back that's proper Cheryl Cowell stuff that's insane

remember Cheryl Cowell went. That's insane. Remember Cheryl Cowell went around kicking the shit out of everyone for a while. She's changed now. Thank God she calmed down. She did. Remember she was kicking the shit out of people. I think she's the most beautiful human that's ever been birthed.

Anyway, back to cows. I told you that about cows. And like the man in the crab story I'm going to start eating the cows in revenge so also just to say

another reason I'm a big fan of Cheryl is she's got baby faces in her knees too does she yeah so we're kind of in a it's like we're in a

we're in a you know we're in a group do you want I think everyone above the age of 30 has a baby face in their knee now some faces are

clearer than others mine has teeth I'm not going to show you this left knee my left knee looks pretty good I'm looking at it now you know mine has like

eyebrows and a tongue and stuff it's quite developed it's not a baby it's actually a child it's like a

four year old hey Spano alright lads you smell lovely what I can't hear you is that oil on you not on my not on my slugs

there's no oil darling see you later there's not enough mirrors in this house for Spencer I'll tell you that much He's going to drown In his own reflection one day And they'll put a monument

Up to him Like one of those Greek mythology people From the past Drown in his own reflection He will He'll waterboard himself To death

To get a closer look At himself Okay you ready Hey guys For my confirmation i wanted to pick the name caroline after a family friend of ours when i told my mom she said no you're only allowed to pick a saint's name so off i went researching and found out saint caroline is apparently the patron saint of purity again i told my mom who still wasn't satisfied you're not

picking saint caroline it has to be a saint people People know I was her age and she wouldn't let me pick Caroline. So despite her, I went and looked up. There was a patron saint of prostitutes. I discovered it was bizarrely Saint Nicholas. Joanne, you taught us this last week, which was actually perfect because he's a saint that everyone knows. And we were also allowed to use the feminized version of male names. I told my mom that I wanted to be Nicholas. She was a bit dubious, but I explained it was a connection to Christmas for my granddad, who was born on Christmas Day. So to sum up, 11 years later, and I've still never told my mom that my confirmation name, Nicola, is not in fact due to an ode to her late father,

but instead named after the patron saint of prostitutes. Fair enough. A quiet act of rebellion. That's what I like. I enjoy something. What's your confirmation name? Imagine going up to the priest. What are you taking? it's going to be

slag for me today father yeah Joanne Catherine slag McNally if you don't mind just dot the Q's

and T's and the I's and all just make sure the paperwork is locked in before I tell my mother thank you

are you two ready for this right doubters Saint Vogue Saint Vogue. Saint Vogue is in the electoral division of Ladies Island in the civil parish of Cairn.

The Irish name for Saint Vogue is Kilfaca. Vogue. Faca. No Saint Joan. Yes, I'm the saint. I'm a saint. Anyway. Sorry, what did Saint Vogue do? Fuck all.'m joanne after joan which is saint joan oh you might have heard of me of arc bitch yeah joan of arc that's a bullshit

made-up story there's no such thing as joan of arc so you are made up of nothing joan joan sorry do you think joan of arc is a made-up story Listen, okay? Adam and Eve, right? You cannot compare Joan of Arc to Adam and Eve. So you're telling me Joan made a boat, right? I'm not giving it to you. I'm not giving it to her, Joan. And let's start calling her Joan from now on. Oh my god, Vogue, are you talking about Noah?

Oh, I was talking about Noah. I was talking about Noah I was talking about Noah I was like no I actually couldn't believe that you believed that story. Joan of Arc. She was like a martyr for Christianity. They burnt her at the stake. Not Noah who built a fucking boat for hippos.

The animals went and do by do. Hurrah. Hurrah. That's so funny. Okay. You can have Joan of Arc in that case. Okay. That's so funny Okay You can have You can have Joan of Arc In that case

Okay That's really funny Judas It's like comparing Pope John Francis To like the Mario Brothers You're like Oh yeah

That lad who like Punches mushrooms Out of fucking squares Above his head Good one Pope Did he just throw A turtle at him? Do you want to apologize to boy George or?

We need to start a correction corner for what Vogue gets up to during the week that we don't see. We need to start a correction corner for the articles written about the shit that Vogue has in the box. Sorry, Joanne, you were thrown into that article as well. And he didn't text you saying there's no beef. No, I was only saying it to someone the other day.

I was saying to Alan, I was like, blah, blah, blah. And boy, George, and we were saying that he burnt us. And then he DM'd folks saying, look, we've no beef. And I was like, I didn't hear a peep from him. But I read the article and it's saying we were joking. So I was like, well. I know. Well I read the article and it's saying we were joking. So I was like, well, I know.

Well, the backstory is obviously Joanne and I were joking, joking, saying that boy George doesn't follow us, which he doesn't. And we said we had beef with him

and he mailed me saying, I've got no beef with you. And that was a little bit embarrassing. Crazy lady. Yeah, you crazy bitch. Here you complete loser. Like grow up up just because I

won't follow you sorry boy I know yeah it was immature on our part let's be real you know we'll be immature again

we're not saints Joanne I wouldn't be happy if I was you though he didn't mail you do you know what yeah he knocked around actually

he's upstairs be round no I am sure he did yeah yeah so no interest in you

me and boy don't worry about us we're thick as thieves oh did he did he fly back from Australia from being in the snobbery jungle to come and ride you is that what happens there

yeah oh okay yeah that's it and he brought yeah that's exactly what happened and he brought himself to Glenegeary or wherever you are he's

sorry Vogue I don't appreciate your tone we met in the middle because boy is busy and I'm also busy so we met in the middle I met him in

Clapham where's the middle is that the middle yeah oh I see okay I was trying to think of geography

and I was like the only thing I know from geography is the stalactite and the stalagmite stal And the stalagmite. Stalactite, stalagmite. Dubai would be the middle for you, Joanne. Dubai.

All right, Rain Man, calm down. I needed to come back from that Joan of Arc. You're like, oh yeah, Joan of Arc, you really believe she like walked in and ate three people's porridge and one of them was too hot come on oh yeah Joan she was eating the candy off some woman's house in the woods grow up Joanne grow up okay Joan yeah you were blown down a house made of sticks sure you were Joan sure good one Joan don't

don't eat the poison apple loser do send in your emails we do really need your emails to hello at mtgmpod.com another correction corner I know we did a shout out for near-death experiences

but we're retracting because some of them are just quite sad but we're happy you're still here Bye.