My Therapist Ghosted Me - MTGM EXTRA! "Met Joanne's Mam!"

Episode Date: March 9, 2022

Vogue & Joanne caught up with some excellent emails this week, covering topics from cigarette butts to an undercover sting operation. If you'd like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThank you!

welcome to the extras episode of my therapist ghosted me hello and welcome and thank you for joining us okay joanne this is one of my favorite emails that we got oh my god hey i went to joanne's gig in vicar street and i want to ask you something about this as well oh yeah the same night as her mom and her mate myself and my friend were having dinner and drinks beforehand and there's this table of older women beside us. I'm shelling the cocktails. And after a while, one of them leans over and asks us what I'm drinking. I'm like, it's a Cosmo, hun.

And the table of L ones, Jesus, your mom wouldn't like to hear that, erupts laughing. While the one who asked me what I'm drinking goes, told you, told you. So we start talking to them and I'm like, are you going to see Joanne McNally? And they're like, yeah, we are. So we start talking to them and I'm like, are you going to see Juwan McNally? And they're like, yeah, we are. So the ringleader of the L ones, who is, spoiler alert, your mom, is like, what's she like? Trying to get them to bitch about you.

My daughter gave me the ticket, so I have no idea what to expect. I was like, oh, she's a mad bitch. I'd say the show will be proper filthy, but sure yous are well able for it. I asked them, do they listen to the pod? They said they'd never heard of it. Thank Christ. Liars. We're all chatting away.

I didn't cop a thing. When they were leaving, the oldest one leans in and tells me a great story about her first martini with a man. We all roar laughing and away they went. It was only when Joanne was like, oh, my mom and her friends

are in tonight. We were like, oh my fucking God. That was the girl I was at dinner. Gas bitches. Trolled the fuck out of us. 11 out of 10. I guarantee that was definitely her. Definitely her.

But you know what? I remember the story because I saw you. Somebody was posting videos of your gig. You didn't tell the 70th birthday party story, did you? I did, yeah. When your mom was in. No, she knows yeah I know

it's insane I'm like this is really uncomfortable but my mom is running a sting operation in the restaurant she's trying to find out if people are bitching

about you or not but she's still pretending to me she doesn't listen to the podcast or have a fake Instagram account and I know she's got both oh I hope she doesn't

listen to the podcast but I can say it on the podcast she just denies that she listens to it do you know what the most embarrassing thing I ever had to do in front of my mom, right?

It's back in the day when I was trying to be an actor. I went and got, I got a part in a play in the Board Gosh Theatre, which is like a pretty big theatre. And I got the leading part. And in the play,

I had to have like a pretend orgasm at the table, like when Harry met Sally. Oh no. What age were you? Like 22 or something. Okay. I never had an orgasm in my life by then oh my mom and Neil came to the first opening night and I had to do the fake orgasm and then you know what happened they pulled it the next night because I didn't think it actually worked in the play so I did it in front of my parents and then They pulled it the next night because they didn't think it actually worked in the play. So I did it in front of my parents

and then they pulled it. I would, I would die. Faking an orgasm at 22 when you don't know what you're doing. I wouldn't, I hadn't even had an orgasm at 22.

I'd just be barking like a dog because I wouldn't know what it's actually like. That's exactly what I was doing. That's why they cut it out just purring like a cat just clapping my hands too yeah

oh my god it's like in 40 year old virgin when he's just trying to describe how to feel in your woman's tits and he calls them sandbags because he's never felt them before

I'd be like I love that burning sensation of an orgasm it's so special yeah that was my most embarrassing thing the way I know that my mum

definitely sly listens to everything and watches me is she's asking me questions like she rang me last night

she was like because Geroge graduated and she rang me to find out what Geroge graduated in what his degree was and I was like

where are you guys so she's sitting on Twitter reading everything that's going on oh I'd say she's on her Twitter reading everything that's going on. Oh, I'd say she's on her Twitter. I don't think she'll be able to access the pod, surely. Oh, we used to call her

Inspector Padgett. She knows exactly what she's doing. She's got iPads coming out her eyeballs. She's got all the equipment. She's got metal detectors and all.

Like, she knows exactly what she's doing. They love having us do. Even Neil has a pretend Instagram and I'm like, yeah. Oh my God. I know. I'd say he's trolling everyone. what she's doing they love having us to do even Neil has a pretend Instagram and I'm like yeah oh my god I know

I'd say he's trolling everyone it's so funny like because if I you know the way you're always there's always

like some lad you're trying to check if he's looked at your Instagram stories well obviously not you though because you're

happily married and maybe you Jo I don't know well unless it was Skepta or Future I'd be very happy if either of them looked at your stories

Stormzy you're like Stormzy had a good reason I don't fancy Stormzy and I'm finished with him do you know I told looked at my stories Stormzy you're like Stormzy had a good recent story I don't fancy Stormzy and I'm finished with him do you know

I told you to think for Stormzy no Skepta and Future mainly you can't search who looks at your stories which actually I think

is kind of healthy because there was a lad I fancied a while back and I was always trying to see if he was looking at my stories but anyway

you just end up looking for them alone anyway my point is that there's this account that looks do you know the sock accounts you can tell it's like

N406 two followers and they're the first to view all my stories and I'm like I'd love if it was someone interesting like

I don't know Stormzy or but it's probably my mother you could find her phone though you wouldn't see it on her phone she must have the app I'd love to be stalked by someone really

like exciting once a day in the van to go out I say is now the time and he goes yeah go on and once a day I give out about the fact

there's no hot men sniffing around my DMs once a day once a day I throw a tantrum about it in the van I have to be honest about it right

and I'm in the same boat as you I know I'm married you're married folk listen Joanne it doesn't mean that I. I have to be honest about it, right? And I'm in the same boat as you. I know I'm married. You're married, Vogue! Listen, Joanne, it doesn't mean that I don't want to be loved. You're not even on the sea.

You're on land. I'm just saying, you and I, I'm trying to think of a nice way of saying this, but like, I just feel like we're not the type of girls.

Vogue, how can you compare me to you you're pregnant and married I know but I don't know how that happened Spencer was drinking heavily when we met

I'm single and gamey as fuck and I still have nothing going on in my DMs I don't think we're the type of girls I think you have to

meet us I don't think that we're the type of girls like when everyone's like oh my god I'm being like harassed with like dick pics

and stuff like that. I'm like no one sends me shit like ever. Well I don't know if this is if this is legal but sometimes sometimes the girls in my DMs

feel sorry for me so they send me dick pics that they've been sent. That's legal. I think. I don't know if it is. Well you're not putting them online. No. No, no, no, no. And I can't I can't I have no way of not putting them online no no no no

and I can't I have no way of knowing who it is there's no faces involved they're like hey hun I heard you're not serious

you're not getting any dick pics here's what I got last night you're welcome oh my god that's so kind thank you

you see but we're not those type of girls like to be honest with you Joanne remember I was like ah like when we were talking about I am absolutely

I'm sorry now to correct you. And so are you. What are you on about? Joanne, I'd say you'd be trying to print them off and eat them if you were getting sent them. The fucking moment I would be. I'm straight to the printer. She's like, I need this in 3D, please. Pre-pandemic, do you not remember? And I was like, oh, I'll and I was like oh I'll show them

your Instagram I'll show them your Instagram and then I was like I kind of can't show people your Instagram I'll fucking terrify people I know yeah

it's not a it's not a welcoming place no I know okay okay next email I like the wild west go on

this is fucking gas hi girls so last night I was out and fancied the barman so much i could send something between us so when i went up to get my round i started chatting to him he asked for my number and text me to say stay back after last orders i was so horned up and he was so hot so i hung around we had a drink together after close he was gorgeous so lovely and we had such a good laugh i

was smitten he asked if i wanted to go back to his and I was 100% up for it it's been quite the dry spell when we were walking back he was holding my hand and we were getting on so well I was so happy then he stopped walking he bent over I assumed he was tying his lace or something he picked up a half smoked cigarette butt off the ground and put it in his back pocket for later he said he doesn't smoke but likes one when he's drinking but also would never

buy his own pack I was absolutely disgusted needless to say I had to abandon ship and SOS text to the girls what a rotten bastard

love the pod please keep it on well we don't know who you are anyway look I think we've talked about pulling cigarette butts out of ashtrays before but like there's a certain amount of etiquette look I think we've talked about pulling cigarettes

out of ashtrays before but like there's a certain amount of etiquette in front of someone you're about to take home to make love to and picking up rubbish

off the ground it's just not there I have to say you're like a fucking pigeon like a pigeon wouldn't do that on a first date unless they were

the Swedish pigeons but they were being gaslit into doing it but this man did it of his own volition but not to be embarrassed by it I mean me and Amber

used to do it when we were younger but we couldn't get smoke because we were too young so we used to go around picking up other people's cigarette butts and have matches with us

and be going around smoking the ends there was a girl message to me actually because I still get the icks coming in. They trickle in and she was saying

that she was seeing this guy and she used to always cook him dinner and she noticed like he never brought anything around to the house or she said he was really tight and stuff

which is always yeah big ick energy there. It's the worst. And no one wants to shag a scab. No, no. That's my new mantra. Scab, no shag.

No, no. So anyway then she said she cooked dinner for all his friends to shag a scab no no that's my new mantra scab no shag no no so anyway then she said she cooked dinner for all his friends and it was happening in his house and they went to

buy all the ingredients together and then she they were paying for it at the till and then he went oh hold on a second and he took out his card

and she was like finally he's putting his hand in his pocket and it was his club card he just scanned his loyalty points and then put his card back in and let her pay for it

no no do you know what though when people are like that it's sometimes too embarrassing to say anything it's like I'd rather just like

pay and not deal with it oh 100% but to be honest the fact that he's not paying is one thing the fact that he's a man with a club card

a man with a Tesco club card I always wonder what the fuck do you actually get from them no you get watched by the chinese apparently you don't get anything they just get all your data and information and then you think you get a free air fryer at the end of the year but you don't that is like that is one of my biggest if somebody is like but i don't even like you know when you go out for dinner right and because I never really drink that much but it never bothers me

like when you go out for dinner I think you get to a certain age where it's like oh everyone just split the bill when somebody is doing it down to like the last

fucking penny of what they ate I'm like come on I can't I can't bear that I do I do

I agree with you on that but I do think it because I always try to push those club cards on you. Those loyalty cards. And I do think they're allowed to wamp. They'll take all your data and they'll end up, they'll end up leaking your nudes and you got nothing in return. Three toothpaste. What? I think Joe has an ectocard. How the fuck else would he know?

He has one. I knew it. He has one. What's an has one what's a nectar card it's Sainsbury's it's Sainsbury's club card yeah but I I'm not being bad

but that is you know that is a viable of Joe I knew you'd have one how many do you have Joe be honest what do you spend it on you mad bastard

for me it's only you're so rock and roll it's only nectar card and it's you know you know you know nice little bits that they've got in there at Christmas

you can get some wine or you can get you know cushions in there I'm actually kind of surprised you are shopping at Sainsbury's I didn't like

hit up Sainsbury's to like at least 31, 32 yeah how much money are you making off this podcast jokes it sounds like you're

making too much to be honest this sounds like you're making too much, to be honest. This sounds like you're eating into our profits. It's just good value. Next record. Joe swanning out of Waitrose and Marks and Spencers.

Do you shop in Waitrose? You better not. I'm like, is that a Balenciaga jacket you're wearing there, Joe? From time to time If it's payday I'll treat myself

The way it throws Yeah I always knew That I'd have made it I knew I'd have made it If I was If I was doing my shopping In Marks and Spencer

Do you remember Like being like 19 And you'd go in To get the odd bit To treat yourself I was like One day I'll do All my shopping in here

One day See I think I think I've been Because I didn't Start making money Until I was in my day I'll do all my shopping in here one day see I think I I think I've been because I didn't start making money till I was in my well what day is it today so like about a week ago

that I have I still have that kind of student mentality so I just don't know now if I'd ever be able to knowing I could get it for a fraction of the price analogy

I just don't know if I'll ever be able to go that way yeah but you a fraction of the price in Aldi I just don't know if I'll ever be able to go that way yeah but you're not close to an Aldi as a thing like Ocado like has Marks and Spencer on it

and I'm like no I'm just going to do that it's very expensive though I have to say because they shut me down I nearly dumped them actually after Covid

because they obviously had so many people wanting deliveries when they like I started shopping in Tesco and I swear to God honestly it's like

a quarter of the price you wouldn't believe it you wouldn't you wouldn't believe it or yours do you remember the playhouse in Superquin

no you don't remember the playhouse we used to go into the playhouse and you'd leave the kids would all be left in the playhouse we used to go into the playhouse and you'd leave the kids would all be left in the playhouse

like it was just a kids club that you'd be left there the thing about those kids clubs and supermarkets if I was a mother would I not just

because they're free would you not just throw them in there every day instead of paying for crash I think you can only do an hour they know how long

it takes to shop and stuff change its identity every now and again he's back there you go in in in there's all this

man shit now though which we didn't have so there's like you have breakfast club then after school they have like after school club they don't finish

till like six but the funny thing is and I was talking to somebody about this today right my brother's kids are in nursery or not nursery

what do you call it at home creche and they're in creche from like half eight in the morning until like half five at night sometimes. But like if you have a nanny, people are like, oh, she has a nanny. I know. That's a bit much, isn't it? And I'm like, it's the same thing. It is.

You march for your right for those nannies, folk. Yeah. I fully support it. I tell you what. I'd be one of those mothers. I'd have those kids so independent they wouldn't know who I was I'd go to wake them up in the morning they'd be like they'd be ringing the guards and all that's what I'd want they'd be like stranger danger stranger

danger do you know what I was thinking though I was like how how did our parents do it when we were younger do you know how you just got fucked out of the house at 10 o'clock in the morning and you didn't go home. You might have gone home to get a sandwich, but you were never back in the house till six o'clock.

So they actually, do you know what? They didn't do it. We looked after ourselves. They didn't do it. Everyone was out in the road. You were put out in the road. Yeah.

I went to one of those kids that called, I'm like, hello, Charles. And they're like, hello, Joanne. And it's all very civilized will I be seeing you today Joanne no Charles

you will not one of my friends was like we were in her house and their kid knocked over all the Lego and I was obviously

having a nervous breakdown because I'm such a neat freak so like knocked over all the Lego and she looks at me and she goes your nanny would clean that up wouldn't she

I'm like what do you think she does I was like no who's giving you sass who's giving you Johanna who listens to the pod I know

I think they think nannies do everything they don't really they just kind of breastfeed it and raise it really yeah they just breastfeed it you just see the kid

every like couple of hours or something just a quick quick hello you'd be like is it it's confirmation already Jesus time flies God you've done a great job

on her well done yeah haven't seen her for years thanks for listening to the bonus episode we absolutely love all your emails they were actually

very very good today I have to say so well done you keep sending them in to what the hell like I've said this 10,000 times you can't be playing They were actually Very very good today I have to say So well done you Keep sending them in To What the hell I've said this 10,000 times You can't be playing favourites

With the emails now Come on We can't start grading the emails We'll never get any For fear of failure I'll be like I have a C- email here today now From Claire and Phil Kenny

Send us in your emails If they're shite We'll call you out in the pod So just be careful hello at mtgmpod.com I'm doing I'm doing the Hammersmith

I've released a second Hammersmith Apollo which is on sale now I think it's November 6th okay so that's going to sell out in about a week and then I'm going to have people asking me

how are they tickets for your show and I'm going to say well you knew it was on sale so anyone who tries to ask me to get tickets I'm not asking her you know it's on sale Sam that goes for my mother as well you know it's on sale. So anyone who tries to ask me to get tickets, I'm not asking her, you know it's on

sale. Sam, that goes for my mother as well. You know it's on sale. Don't be pulling it faster like you did the last time, pretending you didn't know and then bringing it in eight of your girlfriends.