My Therapist Ghosted Me - MTGM EXTRA! "Milking me into a storage box..."

Episode Date: July 27, 2022

It's an absolute zinger of midweek dose this week! Joanne has a burning question about ice lollies, Vogue's had a drink again and an emailer has a classic "first night out after childbirth" story! If you'd like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThank you!

Welcome to the bonus episode of My Therapist Ghosted Me. Welcome. Well, welcome. You're more than welcome. Dugwish. Corradh maith agat. Look at you. My mum's coming up for dinner and I told her I don't feel sober. This drink on the pod is really... Do you know what though?

I feel like we're having a night out together. That's why I get involved. Jo, have you started drinking yet? No, I'm at work. Yeah, Jo, Dolly makes you... So are we, Jo. This is work. Are you calling us unprofessional?

Because obviously I'm on holidays, but I'm there to nick you. I'm staying with you. I'm like, oh, fucking, you know, podcast. Never really on holidays. She's like, you're literally working for two hours a with you I'm like oh fucking you know podcast never really on holiday she's like you're literally working for two hours a week I was like I know someone said something to me

no like obviously when I'm on tour I'm working more but I know it's like how can I possibly give out about just chatting talking shit about like how can I possibly

give out about that do you know what happens though because it happened to me last week because you're having such a ball of fun on your holiday

and you don't want to do anything that is even slightly work related. Like even emails all during the week and stuff like that. I was like just hissing at them because I was like, I'm actually on holidays. But we did,

me and Vogue had a call. So obviously we're doing this live tour. So we have a producer on board to help us kind of format the podcast into a live show so that we don't make a tit of ourselves which we probably will anyway but anyway so we're there on a zoom call with this woman Caroline who's

absolutely brilliant folks there in her fucking sombrero eating her lunch and all at the table with her family like I was like folk folk is it out folk she's there chowing down on her linguine like we were like literally just open the phone at her lunch and ignored us completely while me and Caroline fucking

tried to get the shit together excuse me I left the lunch for half an hour and I had to go home and then you just went back to the

lunch because Joanne they were gonna take my Calabari away I couldn't I couldn't risk it

I'm like I'm so sorry about this Caroline she is insanely unprofessional I deal with this all the time okay I couldn't I couldn't get into the work mode while I was on I had so sorry about this Caroline she is insanely unprofessional I deal with this all the time okay I couldn't

I couldn't get into the work mode while I was I had to film one thing I had to do the pods and then I was like that is it for me I just

I can't be involved anymore I'm on my high heels I think it's important on holidays it's about a mental break as well as just

a physical break like I'm not going to be I'm not going to be on, I'm not going to be on stage again until September. Oh my God, that's amazing for you. Yeah. Is Electric Picnic the next one?

No. I have a couple of Everyman's in Cork and then the picnic. But it's 100%, that'd be so nice. But it's, you also need a mental break from work, don't you?

You just need it like this. Now the one thing, it takes a while to switch off it takes a while to learn how to switch off I'd never be able to go like two weeks without doing any work like I have to

I still have to do like my brother will probably go away no he won't some people go away without their laptops and don't look at their emails or anything

I can't do that I have to look at my emails I have to speak to my manager every day it's just what I have to do. Must always be achieving. Must always be achieving. There is no way in hell I said that.

Vogue. Joanne. I'm many things, but I'm not a liar. When you get back to London and sneak into my house to use a Pelican, I'm going to beat you up. I'm going to punch you right in the fanny. It's actually so, like when I was in your basement, like stealing all your shit, I was like, I mean,

this is so easy. So easy. She doesn't even have security cameras set up. Like I could literally be doing anything in here. She went in and one of my brother's friends was there. Well, his friend and his girlfriend was there and she's a big fan of the pod. And all of sudden joanne waltz is in and she was looking at my brother was like she was like literally in awe when he walked in and then she was like i have

to tell you i have to tell you i have a group called uh joanne is our queen yeah she was very cute which i was highly offended by obviously listen she won't be coming to my house again get out of me gaff right did you see someone on what was it Hinge

or yeah oh yeah Hinge so Hinge have all these prompts where it's like you know don't match with me if or blah blah and it's like my

most controversial opinion is and it was Vogue is funnier than Joanne no surnames no nothing and the amount of people who sent to me have you seen this and I was Vogue is funnier than Juwan. No surnames, no nothing. And the amount of people

he sent to me, have you seen this? And I was like, oh, I've seen it. I found his IP address. He's getting blocked. He's dead now. He is dead.

I went to the dark web, had him assassinated. Took all of his organs. He's gone. He no longer exists in this world controversial opinion no

wrong opinion no I'm joking every year without fail there's a story in the news warning us to not put ice lollies up our arses to cool down i just don't understand who is repeatedly doing this that it needs repeated

like what position are you sunbathing in are you literally on all fours holding your ass open and your ass is burning and you're sticking a Solero in there. I do not understand. I don't get it. Joanne, if you're sitting there telling me you've never put a twister up your arse, that's bullshit. I did it just for fun, okay? It was nothing to do with the heat.

In all seriousness, can I be honest? What's the problem if you do stick a Solero up your arse? I don't understand. What's wrong? It's just going to come out again. It's obviously, yeah, it's obviously not good up your arse? I don't understand. What's wrong? It's just going to come out again. It's obviously, yeah,

it's obviously not good for your arse. I don't know. I just don't know. Like, if you're hot, that's fine. That's a normal feeling. It's summer.

We're all struggling. I wouldn't. Everyone's hot. If you need to go down, have a glass of water. You don't stick a fat frog up your arse. Who are these people?

Oh, God. I would stick a fat frog up my arse. I would. You wouldn't up my arse I would you wouldn't Fog I'm sorry you wouldn't if they bought fat frogs

and they would only bring them back if I stuck it up my arse I'd do it I'd do it for the nation you would do it in a paid collaboration that's the only way

you would do it or a Casper do you remember a Casper ice pop oh they were stunning yeah I could see you now with a clipper up your arse

10 grand later you'd be delighted up your arse 10 grand later you'd be delighted I'd do 10 grand later get lost and do that for 100 quid if it's if

if it's a clip of Frasier yeah you wouldn't even do it you'd be like hashtag gifted hashtag it's an honour hashtag thanks clip of Frasier

hashtag was gonna do it anyway Joanne's so weird she'd go to an almond magnum or something like that oh oh Thanks, Clipper Fraser. Hashtag was going to do it anyway. Joanne's so weird, she'd go to an almond magnum or something like that. Kinky, what's wrong with her? Hi, Joanne and Vogue. In January this year, I birthed my second homemade human. She's dope, but the pair of them need my constant attention,

so I was in need of a night out. It finally arrived this June when a friend of mine took me out for my 31st birthday. She picked me up in a limo and we drove around the local area

for an hour drinking warm champagne until we got dropped. I love that. Loving the Debs vibes. I love this. Joanne, I want to do that.

Let's get a limo somewhere. I would do, you fucking, you don't ask me twice. I want a fucking, I want a limo somewhere I would do you don't ask me twice I want a limo until we got dropped off at a restaurant in the tiny town centre

a five minute walk from my house important to note that I have not been drunk since my best friend's wedding in August 2019 by 9pm we were two bottles

of low end champers sorry what's this girl's name Joelle you don't Joelle there's no judgement here you don't have to tell us the last time we were two bottles of low end champers. Sorry, what's this girl's name? Joelle. Joelle, there's no judgement here. You don't have to tell us the last time we were drunk was six years ago. There was no judgement here. No, none at all.

We're drunk now, sure. None at all. 10pm I met some girls in the loo who needed some toilet roll and life advice. Being a mum, I ran to the rescue and threw copious amounts of bog roll into the wrong cubicle before ending up sprawled on the floor of the bathroom. I then advised them to dump their boyfriends to go and be worldly. 3am, I get a message from my husband saying, I thought you were only going out for dinner.

Are you okay? 4am, I'm walking home on bare feet and level 12 blisters. Husband gets me in the house and the rest is entirely his recollection. I immediately got naked because my boobs are hideously engorged he then sits in the hallway milking me into a

huge storage box while i cry about my life choices milking me into a what into a storage box it takes him an hour to get me into bed and the next day i vomited every hour while he looked after both children and had to cancel two outings because I couldn't leave the bed. Oh, no. Getting milked by your husband. I think that's some of the funniest shit I've ever heard.

I've had to milk myself before because I forgot my pump. I went out and I forgot my pump. No, I'm sorry. Imagine being so pissed that you're half conscious in the bed and Spencer's trying to Milk you into a storage box Oh my god

Stop There's no I have to be honest I did have one blackout In holidays One And I was Too frightened to ask Spencer

I was You were probably roofied Because Yeah Yeah let's say that You don't You don't blackout on seltzer Like you don't

Take it from a woman who knows You don't So you were clearly roofied Yeah you don't take it from a woman who knows you don't so you were clearly yeah okay we'll go down that route that sounds better actually I'll tell Spencer that hi ladies

absolutely love the pod listen to Joanne's story about standing on oh god standing on the glass. It reminds me of the time I dozed off on the couch after literally one glass of wine. I was snoozing and had one of those jumpy dreams

when you're only half asleep. I fell straight down on my back onto a glass of wine I had beside the couch. Absolutely stabbed myself in my back. My now husband hates blood and was absolutely hysterical telling me, oh my God, the blood is black. What do we do? I felt i felt no pain was as calm as you like telling him to stay calm and ring an ambulance they're giving him advice to stop the bleeding telling him to put a compress

on it i'm lying on my stomach and he's holding something to stem the flow from my lower back when the ambulance arrived the place looks like a murder scene and only then i realized my husband has used in his panic a pair of his washed boxers to stem the flow that was folded from the dryer in the room. The shame. Anyway, I ended up getting staples in my lower back in the shape of a C, which is assuming I was absolutely locked when this happened. Needless to say, I'm much more careful

where I leave wine glasses now. Now, you know what? I would be glad that he used the boxers because, like, imagine he used your nice white dress or something like that. That'd be crap. The boxers thing doesn't bother me. Like I wouldn't think anything of that.

Like I'd just be like stem the flow. You know what I mean? I was like, I'd rather not die. I don't care what you use to stop me dying. Do you know what you'd want to be? No, no, no. Let me die. The shame of being saved by a pair of boxers.

What I find interesting is all this stapling shit that goes on. Like one of my friend's kids knocked his head off something and they glued it back together. And I was like, is it fucking parenting or arts and crafts? Like I didn't know you could glue kids' heads back together. It's a paper mache child.

Do you remember paper mache? That was hard to do actually. Gluing the head back together is like because you won't get a scar then. I mean, I will say I wouldn't be leaving glasses on the floor.

Well, of course, you're never going to do, you glasses on the floor well of course you're never going to do you're never going to do like you're never going to do that now I did I did leave a gold bracelet on the floor before and I fell out of bed

this is years ago and the bruise that that gave me it was just horrific the one euro bracelets do you remember them the big chunky gold

the one gold copper I just love you you're like, I left a gold brick beside my bed one time. The worst was when I fell on my silver spoon. I absolutely ruined myself after that. The worst was when I swallowed my silver spoon and then I fell on my stuffed lobster

and the claws, I can tell you now, I've never been the same since. Oh no. When I fell on my taxidermied lobster, I mean, honestly now, I was in agony. That was actually Spenny's birthday present. His mom rang him the other

day, right? And she's like, darling, I was going to get you this all about brown set for your birthday. Like this is like expensive swimwear. And Spenny was like yeah I love that mom that's just a warm-up present right you're 34 you're lucky you're getting anything like my mom would get me like a belt for 50 euro or something like that but I was like when I fell out of bed and fell on that elephant's tusk I mean I was in so much pain Do you know how hard money is when you fall on it? Like notes

When I fell out of bed and crushed my nanny to death I cannot explain When my bathroom chandelier fell on my head i honestly that was too far when i had my nanny stuffed and hung in there when i had that my dead nanny because we worked her worked her to death and i had her stuffed and i fell on her i have never been in so much pain. I smacked her across the face. I said, excuse me, you're supposed

to be in a bell jar in the basement. She was a good person. She deserved to be stuffed. She deserved it. Solicit for email. Jo wants me to solicit for emails Jo wants me to solicit for emails which sounds very dangerous

thank you it does it sounds sexy I want to solicit for your sexy emails so please send them into hello

at mtgmpod.com thank you for listening to the bonus episode see you next week. When the horse and the Ferrari pinched me in the arm. I thought, this is...