My Therapist Ghosted Me - MTGM EXTRA! "Plane breakdown..."

Episode Date: September 28, 2022

In the last instalment for a moment (don't worry, they won't be gone for long!), Vogue & Joanne take your emails on holiday breakups and lesson about the birds and the bees that nobody wanted to be a part of.If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThank you!

This is a Global Player original podcast. Hello and welcome to the extras episode, bonus episode of My Therapist Goes With Me with me, Vogue Williams and Joanne McNally. Welcome, welcome. Welcome to the behind the scenes. It's not really behind the scenes. Welcome, welcome. There's not really much that goes on behind our scenes really, is there? We are. What would you be hiding? There's no curtains here. That's the problem. That is the problem. But I don't know what I'd really hide.

Well, actually I do. There's quite a few things that I would definitely try to hide. Yeah. Actually, I'm glad that they're not out there. So welcome to our kind of behind the scenes episode. Oh, wait. So we've lots of lovely emails we've got plane breakdown sexy guitar teacher sorry vogue i have to i didn't hear you there plane breakdown or plane plane as in plane as in like aeroplane oh god aeroplane breakdown

sexy guitar teacher the birds and the bees catholic school style and that would be it well firstly there's no such thing as a sexy guitar teacher if i if a lad even tries to touch a guitar in my presence i don't know what it is i can't i just makes me feel physically sick no now there's two right there's two things around this right i as as we know i i found alex turner very sexually attractive when he was playing guitar at electric Picnic but I did once have a boyfriend who would play guitar at parties that's

that's what I'm talking about and I would be like honestly I'd have to leave the room and I'd start my own rave in the kitchen because I'd be like I am not

I cannot I'm not accepting it I'm not sitting here listening to you play Kumbaya it's so weird it's the same like if you're on a stage and you're like in a rock band I don't know then it's a different thing then it's not what it's playing so weird it's the same like if you're on a stage

and you're like in a rock band i don't know then it's a different thing then it's sexy but it's the guys who think it's the guys who kind of whip out guitars at parties i had a friend who used to do that it's what are you doing it's so attention seeking open your fucking eyes open your eyes yeah and excuse me i'm at a house party because because i found the club too loud i wanted to come back and have the chats i don't want to listen to your poxy guitar it's the lads who basically they said they're serenading themselves and they think you know what they think it's attractive it could like it's not it's not attractive to me anyway so i just don't believe there's such a thing as a

sexy guitar player so i'll go for email one please because i love i like to watch back to back air crash investigation before I get in a plane because then I'm like if I crash it's just weirdly it's too ironic I wonder I wonder if you would feel

literally like Alanis Morissette if you're going down in a plane isn't it ironic like I wonder if you would just feel a sense of calm because you're like well there's absolutely I think I'd be really thinking

maybe I'd survive it I think you probably would you're very resilient. You want Bear Grylls. You want Bear Grylls. I'm like an arm of jello. You'd be drinking your own piss in the jungle having a ball.

I'd be thrilled with myself. I'd have my little ball, Wilson. Come here to me. One thing that, when we were talking about guitars there, so someone bought my kids a present. Well, it wasn't me. No, it wasn't you.

And I'm surprised you haven't brought something like this into my house. Guess what they bought them? A xylophone. Recorders. They're going around tooting their recorders. Winston's having a nervous breakdown because he can't bear the noise, obviously, on his little ears.

Recorders. Imagine buying someone's kid a recorder. I know, that seems very selfish. I think, do you know what? I think it was vindictive. Right? Are they playing? Can they play anything yet? No, they can just like blow it as loud as possible. And like, if I take it off them, they go absolutely crazy.

If that was me, I'd pull one of those, your recorder's gone to live on a farm vibes and they just never see them again. Well, we've turned them into outdoor only recorders is what they are. I'm sure your neighbours are absolutely thrilled thrilled I know I suppose the other thing is at least they're not a tin whistle it could be worse it could be worse do you remember playing the recorder in school that was the only musical instrument I did electric keyboard classes and oh my gosh we played electric keyboard classes it was the 80s it was the 80s and um I would just play chopsticks but I went to classes

to learn to play the electric keyboard and I remember playing the recorder you'd go up to the teacher at the desk and you'd do your recorder exam

and you'd play three blind mice really badly in front of the whole class and sit down and 30 kids would go up and play three blind mice

like how the teacher didn't that teacher must be in an asylum now they must be in an asylum but imagine being a teacher and having to deal with like just

remember the hell at the back of the recorder that was like game changing that would turn it from like They must be in an asylum. I'm listening to that. But imagine being a teacher and having to deal with like, like just. Remember the howl at the back of the recorder? That was like game changing. That would turn it from like, that would just change everything. Remember the howl at the back? I never, to be honest with you,

got into any musical instruments. I was, I was, I was playing hockey. I think it's a stretch to call the recorder a musical instrument. You're basically

blowing into a tube. It's, it's an instrument. I can play a couple of tunes on the piano. I've never seen anyone play the recorder at a music festival imagine like arctic monkeys and someone's playing

the recorder in the well lizzo plays the flute yeah well that's kind of cool like the flute's a nice instrument she's made a cool i wouldn't have associated coolness with the flute before seeing liz out make a cool do you know know what I mean? She is cool. Just to jump in, a slight twist on the sexy guitar teacher email. The sexy guitar teacher is a woman. Yeah, well, we're not getting to that one first. Okay, Joe, stop pushing the sexy guitar. Pushing your own agenda.

Oh, look, it's not my own agenda. I'm just saying. They're not always men. Not all men. Okay, fine. Not all men. Plain. That's funny, Joe. Pl i was an old boyfriend for about two years when i found out that he'd been messaging another girl

they'd sent sexy pictures and messages and although they hadn't slept together yet it was definitely on the cards the tricky thing was i found this out on a plane before we'd taken off pretty much at the same time as they'd closed the doors for us to depart we were on a three or four hour flight to Crete and it all came tumbling down one minute we were excited for our holiday and the next minute my boyfriend said I can't keep this a secret anymore I thought I could but I can't he told me the whole thing right there what the fuck I've thought about it a lot and decided that I'd have a hundred percent rather he'd kept the secret until the end of the holiday

yeah we were there for the longest week of my life it got messy because as soon as we were in the air I hit the vodka bad idea I ended up hysterically crying in the toilets and refused to go back to my seat until the air hostess had moved my boyfriend to a different seat horrific play to her that's yes that's a pro yeah at the end of the week we went our separate ways and never spoke again see you both in Dublin next year can't wait Nez that is like that is so cruel and mean and you know what that's just for himself because he couldn't take the guilt anymore what an asshole that's a great way to get an upgrade though isn't it on a plane think about that yeah i've just thought about that if you're crying hysterically like i can't go back there my boyfriend just i just found out he's been cheating on me if you've got a female

heiress here that she's a hundred percent gonna upgrade you a hundred percent but there are no upgrades on the flights to crete and i will say it's quite a boring flight because number one you're not like that the food's not great on those planes and number two there's no tvs so you're like kind of four hours unless you've been clever enough to download something on netflix you're not like that the food's not great on those planes and number two there's no tvs so you're like kind of four hours unless you've been clever enough to download something on netflix you're on your own and she was probably waiting to talk about their holiday with him and have like snuggles they do say that um admit telling someone that you've cheated on them without if there's no need they say it's kind of like taking a bullet again i reference back to esther perrell he's like you don't always have to tell someone you've cheated on them.

Sometimes it's just to clear your own conscience and you're actually putting the pain, you're swapping the pain onto them. Yeah, I know. I think it could be so selfish. Maybe he wanted out, but like telling someone to contain space like that. Of course, of course he wanted out. But I just think, of course. So they broke up as soon as they landed. But like the thing about it is, I think that like, like first of all you're going on holidays for a week that

you planned like would you not be nice and like tell her before and give her your flight and let her mate go with her instead of like dragging her along and just I just think that's really cruel I think you know what I'd say do you know what I'd say it was do you know when you get to a stage in a relationship where you're like I just want, I can't, your whole body is, sorry, sorry to upset this girl, I'm just saying hypothetically. Do you know when your whole body is like, they touch you and you break out in hives? Yeah, yeah. I'd say he was in his brain, it was spiraling out of control. And then he cracked because he's like, I can't spend the week with her. I just can't do it. The relationship is, in his mind, it was over. And it wasn't over for her. So that's why he cracked and sat on the I can't spend the week with her I just can't do it the relationship is in my in his mind it was over and it wasn't over for her so that's why he cracked and set it on the plane I would you know what though isn't it mad to think about when you're so mad about somebody like so I know mad about them and then like six months later they can literally make

this skin crawl off your back you're like now we're not saying to this girl that you made a skin crawl off his back we're just talking now Hypothetically That people Breakups work in Various differing ways And I would say He was at the end of his tether And he was like

Do you know what I just have to say it to her now Because I can't spend the week Pretending I know but I know that he might have felt like that But like it was Completely unacceptable

To tell her on a flight To Crete for their holidays It was just That is like the meanest thing You can do Everyone's unacceptable though everyone's a dickhead when it comes down to it I will say I'm slightly disappointed I thought the plane had broken down and that she was sending that email from the Amazonian jungle somewhere looking for help I was I was slightly hoping for that that she was surviving off the casseroles and she hadn't seen another I was hoping at least for an aborted landing or something I know come on come on

man she's sending text messages come on we wanted something juicy something new any plane stories about plane crashes that's our vibe

okay I'm going to do the birds and the bees Catholic school style sorry do you know we never get near death experiences it's always lads cheating

women cheating well it's lads cheating I actually what a near death experience if you've had a near-death experience okay hello big fan of the podcast i wanted to share this story with you guys in sixth class my primary school all girls irish catholic school had organized a student and parents evening for us all to have a talk about the birds and the bees what i know weird with your parents i got my mom

by the way i gave her this book that i've been reading and i completely forgot about how sexually charged and like just re like that's not why I bought the book somebody told me about it but I forgot about all the mad sex scenes in it and she's like this book focus a bit

a bit much isn't it and then I was like oh holy fuck I basically gave her a porn book no way what was the book called what was the book called

it's called Verity it's by a what's her name Colleen Hoover or something like that it's not that like there's just really sexy bits in it but like I just forgot about them I know but I think the biggest mistake we make is assuming that our mothers weren't mad for it in the day do you know what I mean

I have relations right that are well they must have been about 73 when they told us this and this I'm not going to say who it is obviously because um i know it's gina isn't it no it's not gina it's not gina um so they they still have sex and they're like they were like 75 when they told us that they still like really enjoy each other's company and have sex all the time yeah of course that's why viagra is a thing because like people still want to have sex this is a thing viagra's over the counter now i know i heard i'm strung out my nipples have never been so hard have you ever taken I wonder what it'd be like I took it once I think it'd be fucking dangerous if I took it I just got loads of birds pregnant and then had a pint of smidley wicks and passed out

I took it once it had no effect on me not that I noticed so funny that you actually took it I took it out of camaraderie because the person i was with was taking it that's actually really kind of you you're kind you're a kind woman okay you know me i hate a pill so i took it out of it was a big sacrifice anyway we awkwardly sat on one side of the room and our parents sat on the other side as this man and woman not teachers or part of the school talked us through about our changing bodies oh god nearly 20 years since that talk i will never forget that they described us in the form of trees women were deciduous trees and men were evergreen trees they had images of the stages of the trees life cycle

and explained how it applied to us they said women going through puberty was springtime then in our prime was summer menopause was autumn and then winter not sure what they described that as but obviously not good and over to the men the evergreens they went through puberty and they were then green forevermore oh my god oh my god i don't usually say name and shame but this girl needs to be named and shamed and i would like to say joanne and i are definitely evergreens okay what a horrible toxic message to send to young girls i know but like do you not remember going to school with the nuns like like i just i'll never forget a couple like they were they're quite fuck they were the meanest of the teachers they were quite mean i think it was just to keep us in our place

but you'd be terrified of them and these are meant to be women of the cloth. But like saying that, giving the message to young girls that men's fertility is eternal and that you've got basically three weeks during spring or else that's it, you're childless and barren for the rest of your life. That to me, that's dangerous. No, that's toxic femininity from those women. It is 20 years ago though.

Like I remember my mum gave me a book. Thank God she didn't humiliate me by trying to have a conversation with me. But she gave me a book and that was about it. My mother never spoke to me about the birds and the bees. I'm surprised I'm not having lads ride me in the eye sockets. I don't know what's going on half the time. I was never told anything.

I was never told anything. I was just figuring it out by myself. I'm looking for a trap door in his back and is this it I don't know Joanne this is the reverse cowgirl that's what Joanne wanted

that's me trying to escape facing the opposite way no no no yeah people who get people who get sat down and all I'm like why have you got sat down?

No way. I wouldn't want to be, like, come on, you're humiliating everybody, including yourself. Especially getting it from the nuns. This is the gas thing about, like, even to this day, if you get married in a Catholic church, you get sat down by a priest and talked about, like, he kind of talks you through what a marriage means.

The man wouldn't have a fucking clue. How's that going to be made? I wouldn't know because i wasn't allowed to get married in the catholic church the second time around it's a bit rich men priests don't get married they do have sex from what i hear but they don't get married they're having sex they're having kids out of wedlock do you know what i don't think it's right to keep anyone celibate come on imagine me trying to be a nun it's unnatural i'd be rude with myself eight on Imagine me trying to be a nun It's unnatural It's unfair I'd be rubbing myself out

You wouldn't be able for it You'd be gone Just a set of eyes You'd be gone She can't rub her eyes out Everything else is gone Like a disappearing heat wave She's gone

But that's why I think it's an unrealistic Expectation to put on anyone Especially Like do you know what I mean Man, woman It doesn't matter You can't

If you tell them They're not going to have sex, what the fuck do you expect? My friend just was given a book. She came home and there was a book on her bed one day. I can't remember what it was called.

Something like, this is why you're pregnant. It was something like that, basically. And it was just a book. And I remember her saying something like, she didn't understand it

and her mother was like, well, how could you understand it? You don't go to mass. And it was this big thing that she'd stop going to mass. I just, yeah, I don't know. I haven't even thought about how I would explain that to my kids. But I think I don't want to, you don't want to humiliate them. Like when T asked me little questions about when I was pregnant and stuff like that.

That's fine. He told me I have to go and buy him four more kids. So I don't think he quite understands it just yet. Maybe he does. Maybe he's just a trafficker. You just don't know him yet. Possibly, possibly. A teeny tiny trafficker.

Our Theodore. They don't pay for kids. Do you know how I know? Did I tell you about the time I tried to sell my eggs? No. Yeah, I woke up one Sunday, you know, the usual and I checked my bank account and it wasn't good. And I rang up and they were like, we don't buy eggs.

They were like, it's unethical. And I was like, but I'm a free range woman. I could not get my head around it, but they don't buy eggs. were like it's unethical and I was like but I'm a free range woman I could not get my head around it but they don't buy eggs that's not true because they buy eggs in different countries maybe it's just Ireland

in America they don't in Ireland though trust me they just want us to give our eggs away they buy sperm what's wrong with the eggs it's harder to get the eggs out I know

bullshit I've got a gig in the SSE arena on the 14th of October well thank you very much for sending in your emails great as always near death experiences

we'd love to hear some of them yeah have you had an out of body experience did you get a life bow and your legs exploded that's the kind of shit we want to hear

hello at mtgmpod.com thank you for listening have you seen the white light have you gone in the tunnel? How bright was it? Very sharp.