My Therapist Ghosted Me - MTGM EXTRA! “Posh Flutes.”

Episode Date: February 23, 2022

Don't forget that Vogue & Joanne are constantly on the lookout for your emails! This week, you've sent in a family party nightmare and an inevitable breakage. Also catch up with where on Earth Joanne is now and where Vogue is off to on Monday! If you'd like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThank you!

so I'm in a hotel where I kind of reside now in hotels basically but I was in the

Clayton in Cork when I was in Cork gorgeous hotel in that palace of a room in the penthouse up the top

there's a lot of upgrades going on at the moment that's where I'd say my career is I'm not rich enough to buy the rooms myself but I get upgraded because they're like here's the secret of it though nobody right anyone who's staying like you see Leonardo DiCaprio it's like Leonardo DiCaprio is staying here and he's paying this it's like no he's not he's not though he's there on someone else's dime that's how they stay rich yeah I wouldn't be upgrading myself to a penthouse not I hope I love that place that you're in now though with all the bunk beds

because if I was in Dublin I would be there with you wouldn't I sure so what I was gonna say of course yeah but you're pregnant folk you know I you know the agreement is we're not meeting again until it's out I know nobody wants to hang out with me I know no one's hanging out with you like one of the girls I was meeting for dinner last night she is talking about having a baby so the Devlin this hotel in Ranla

invited me in for dinner and drinks and stuff and I was like I invited a couple of the girls and one of them I knew was she's on the Follux basically she's taking the Follux

talking about getting pregnant and I was like are you you're invited to blah blah blah she's got thanks in the mail I was like but are you pregnant if you're pregnant you're invited to blah, blah, blah. She's like, thanks a million. I was like, but are you pregnant? If you're pregnant,

you're not invited. Isn't that so bad? No, because I've, it's been happening to me left, right and center. It's so mean. I hate it about myself, but I'm like, if you're pregnant,

I just, because then she wasn't pregnant. And this was my point. Okay. Fair play to the Devlin Hotel. Mini bars are a thing of the past from what I can tell from my experience

in hotels to say we drank this mini bar dry like this mini bar is going to take out a case against us we're going to prison for how we treated

the mini bar the mini bar we rinsed it like it was illegal what we did like the mini bar is here crying weeping in the corner

full of regret and shame and it's like we're going to be fingerprinted for what we did to the mini bar we fucking rins and it's like we're going to be fingerprinted for what we did to the minibar we fucking rinsed it old school style

so thank you to the Devlin thank you to the Devlin I'd love if they charged you oh that's why I'm like bringing it out

in the pod there do you want they mightn't charge me for the minibar I'd be having a nervous breakdown I'm the kind of person

that would have brought my own bottle of vodka with me you're not organized you would not do that Joanne it's more for the point of I don't want

to drink whiskey or I don't want the gin and I know what would happen is I'd start drinking the beer and the wine

and all the shit I don't like and then I'd have to pay through the nose for it but like your children like

you feed your children Fabergé eggs like I just the fact that you bring around vodka to hotels it can't be for commercial reasons so I'm glad you cleared that up

because that would make you like not vile vile's too strong a word vile it would make you difficult to digest by people in general you're vile it would make you difficult to digest by people in general

you're vile one of my friends I think I talked about this in the pod before she went on a date with a lad and they went to a bar and he turned up

with vodka and a nagger in his pocket and was like pouring his own booze oh my god he's not 17 he's a grown ass man I think I went a little bit late in life

doing stuff like that. Like I'm pretty sure I was 22 and bringing out naggins with me and like literally falling around the burner shot and being like, can I have a coke please? Locked.

But I would say for me personally, when I used to do that, it was more for convenience because I didn't want to deal with the queues. It wasn't actually about money really. It was more just convenience. But you know, remember you used to go out

and like your night out would be like nothing like you would basically spend like minimal money I'd always bring my own like I didn't even want

to buy the coke to be honest it was very expensive 260 a bottle or something I know a shitty bottle of coke you'd wait three hours for the night bus

the idea of getting a taxi home was like it's not my wedding day I'm not getting a taxi home I'm going to get the night bus but you'd watch a taxi home was like it's not my wedding day I'm not getting a taxi home I'm going to get the night bus but you'd watch some lad get his ear bitten off like it was

that was regular behaviour on the night bus someone always left the night bus with one ear less than they went on the night bus it was so aggro so violent but you'd still do it like

a taxi who the fuck are you the queen you're not getting a taxi getting the night bus like everyone else it was vicious not a hope

now I do have to say I got the dart there when I was back in Dublin and the dart I'm telling you Joanne Queen, you're going to tax. You're getting the night bus like everyone else. Not a hope. Now, I do have to say, I got the dart there when I was back in Dublin. And the dart, I'm telling you. Joanne, you wouldn't believe it. It's great. When was the last time you were on the dart? When was the last time you were on the dart?

You give me shit for making you not relatable and then you come out with shit like that. I get the dart all the time. Well, I have to say, I always drive. You see, Joanne, do you know what? It's because you haven't got your license. So don't start making me unrelatable. I drive into town. Do you think I'm flogging 80 quid

in a taxi back and forth to town from Hoth? I don't think so. That's why I got the dart one day. How do you park your limo in Brian Thomas? It must be impossible, though. The car park is so small. How do you get it in? Gigi's like, back up, mummy, back up, mummy,

back up, back up, back up mummy back up back up back up back up I will tell you though it's very hard to get around Dublin City Centre now I'm going to have to start frequenting I think I'm going to have to

get myself a leap card because actually you can't really even drive in there pedestrianised one oh by the way guess what I'm going into Dublin City Centre for

on Monday I don't know what I'm just popping into Trinity to collect my award yeah popping in

I'm sorry I'm sorry this is an absolute farce and I'm not getting involved I'm not I'm not giving this I'm not giving this any air time

it makes no it's a bullshit award I don't care I'm smug about it and I'm going to thank you on my acceptance speech there's a speech to be had I'll have to say a few words.

What's it for again? I am not telling you again. I just know that really prestigious people have won this award before me. What is it for? I heard Liam Neeson. Do you want to tell Liam Neeson this award's a piece of shit? It'd be like me winning a Nobel Get Pissed

prize and I'd be like, oh my god, this feels like such a valuable award and I'm so pleased and tell me what it's for if you win at these comedy awards that I'm attending right and you're not attending if you win I'm going to tell them to give it to someone else I'm going to go up and say

Joanne wanted to give it to your man are you actually going yeah but it's like I thought it was a lunch time thing Jo it's on a five till seven that's like evening I'll just about make it I haven't won because if I'd won

they'd ask me to record a video saying that I apologise that I can't be there and they haven't asked me to do that so they can't ask you yet Joanne oh okay right

you have to choose one from the titles. Can't Be Trusted, Long Distance or Vogue's Tools. Oh, well, I mean, obviously all all intriguing, but I feel like let's go with Vogue's Tools. Yeah, that's the one I wanted. I'm assuming they're talking about my hands. Hey, Joanne and Vogue, with all the recent talk of marital aids and women's tools I was reminded of a story

which still bothers me sorry to interrupt you there's a woman who mails me about three times a week to tell me that she used to wax your vaginal house does she is she messaging you as well

no but I'll tell you what do you know why I ended up getting laser because I went to I'll never I'll never fucking forget it I went to this place in Birmingham

this is this hotel and I went downstairs I was like I'll get a wax I'll never, I'll never fucking forget it. I went to this place in Birmingham. This is hotel. And I went downstairs. I was like, I'll get a wax. I'll get a wax. She did like, you know, the way they do bits of the fanny. Well, she did a whole half of the front all underneath in one go. I thought I was going to fucking vomit. It was so painful.

It's so like they should actually give morphine for the wax. That's what i feel anyway read on read on anyway yeah um i was back visiting from uni and it was nice to be back in the family throng my little cousins were charging about the house and causing mayhem and all the aunts and uncles were chatting away in the kitchen or sat out in the garden suddenly i heard my gran ask my dad what on earth one of the little cousins had in his hand. He was running up and down the garden, waving it above his head. My dad didn't answer the question, but looked on in stunned silence. By now, everyone was watching my six-year-old cousin wave my vibrator around,

which he'd found in my room. I just wanted to die immediately. I chased him down and eventually retrieved it, but not before the whole family had seen. They still don't let me forget it and genuinely I couldn't use a vibrator now if you paid me. Scarred for life. Love the pod. Kerry. Why is she calling it

Vogue's tools? Because everyone... Well, John, because you've made everyone think that I'm constantly like fucking banging myself and that I'm always on the booze and that my voice is like this from all the smoking I do. and that I'm always on the booze and that my voice is like this from all the smoking I do. Yeah, I'm trying to make you cool.

I'm lying to make you cool. That's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to give you status, folk. Yeah, okay? There was a girl messaged me. She DM'd me on Insta. It was so funny. Basically, she had this tiny vibrator.

There was a buzzing going on in her bedroom and her parents were like, what is it? And they couldn't find it. Anyway, it turned out it was a vibrator, but she had to pretend vibrator there was a buzzing going on in her bedroom and her parents were like what is it and they couldn't find anyway it turned out it was a vibrator but she'd pretend it was an electric toothbrush but then she sent me a photo it wouldn't stop she put it in water she cracked it open it was still vibrating

Did you get the make and model? Ah! A waterproof one tell me more Oh I don't have one of them I would have just like completely ignored that

vibrator situation and been like that's not mine that's not mine oh I'd have emigrated I'd be like you know I can't even watch

a tampon ad with my family like I'd be fuck that like I'm out I'm done I'm gonna start a new life

in Zimbabwe can't be trusted or long distance can't be trusted she says bitterly yeah I would have gone for that too yeah hi both

I listened to the most recent episode where you were talking about you not being trusted on the furniture oh no that's not where I thought that email was going at all

I thought we were going to bitch about some lad no we're going to bitch about you and I'm not being trusted with glass it reminded me of Christmas just gone when I stayed at my sister's house she's married to a very rich fella and their house is absolutely to die for whenever I go around my sister's a bag of nerves because I'll admit this

myself I'm awful for smashes and spills I don't know why anyway at Christmas she'd laid up the table with her best crystal champagne flutes except the best the one place setting

which had a plastic basic Ikea glass my sister explained that that was where I'd be sitting and while it's a family joke with a few people around the table I didn't know that well

and I didn't want to be the stupid odd one out my sister relented and said I could have a posh flute too it was only when I was sat down that I realized I'd made a terrible mistake I was immediately aware that I was definitely going to fuck up every time I picked the glass up my hand was shaking and I knew where it would end lo and behold as I offered my glass for a generous refill I caught it on the back of my chair and dropped it straight onto a tiled floor my sister was absolutely livid she's still quite annoyed at me

but I reckon she'll be talking to me by spring thanks for all the pods Jane I'm sorry you can't give an adult a sippy cup like it's the most

patronising condescending thing you just can't do it like you can't you've got to everyone's got to have the same glass it was like when I was in an airport

and they I was trying to get a salad and they gave me a spork. Because actually they were saying it was a health and safety thing. I couldn't bring a fork onto the plane in case they tried to scramble the pilot to death. It was actually a health and safety thing. But I was like I'm a grown adult.

I'm not dealing with sporks. I'm not in prison. I just think cutlery and drinks and stuff should be served out of adult cutlery. But I feel like if they all should have had the Ikea glass then nothing to be sniffed at with an Ikea glass

by the way I remember I've probably spoken about this before I remember like there was a state five years or maybe more

where I was all the photos do you know when you take 90 photos of your group night agent that you put them all on Facebook

yeah and it was all of me holding a wine glass but the stem had broken off. Oh Jesus. Because I'd smashed it along the way.

I do think wine glasses need to be more durable. Well I do. I like the really thin ones. That's the only problem. So actually if you do go to Ikea you pick up those

really thin ones they have. They're divine and they're not that expensive. Well I need a wine glass. The wine glass will be fine but the stem needs to be like a cinder block

or like a black box that they put in planes that can't be damaged that's what I need to be drinking out of a question how many people have bought you that giant wine glass

that fits a whole bottle of wine in it as a gift not a single person oh my god oh my god erase that from your memory happy birthday happy birthday

happy birthday pine to pine thank you for my pimp coat well that's it for our extra episode thanks a million for listening and thanks for your emails we love the emails

so keep sending them in we get a great kick out of them Joanne is off to do her 90th night at Vicar Street listen I saw you posted more

more nights. Like, it's like you didn't listen to me. That's it now. 40. Sorry. Actually, sorry. Just to plug. I've seven more nights in Vicar Street going on sale.

Also, that Cheltenham gig. There's still tickets for that. That's it now, though. That's the end of that. There'll be no more after that. I need to come back to raise that baby. Yeah. Her godson's on the way.

Yeah. Or goddaughter. We don't know yet. No, we do. It's a boy. to that I need to come back to raise that baby yeah her godson's on the way yeah or goddaughter we don't know yet no we do it's a boy fuck really I thought I thought it was

still in the mix for actually being a girl that I wanted I think it's better it's better for you to have a boy Joanne think about how much Theodore loves you

look at her she's sickened what am I going to talk to her about that's kind of what I was like when sickened. What am I going to talk to her about? That's kind of what I was like when I found out too. What am I going to talk to her about?