My Therapist Ghosted Me - MTGM EXTRA! "Smoker's Nails..."

Episode Date: March 22, 2023

So, Joanne is 100% not over the Australian jet-lag yet... That's the first thing. Plus, Vogue has questions about Joanne's nails and the emails take us down a very familiar path.... If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] is going on tour in Ireland & The UK! Remember to check the venue websites as well as Ticketmaster! For more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThank you!

This is a Global Player original podcast. Hello and welcome to the bonus episode of My Therapist Ghosted Me with me, Vogue Williams and Joanne McNally. We're not plugging that show on this show. Joanne is very excited to tell you the news that Spencer and I are going on tour Jo cut her mic now tickets

tickets are on sale this Friday you've announced the jockey's bollocks I specifically told you these things are kept actually completely separate she's thrilled

if that if that bitch is going to plug her own personal shows I will tell you one thing for sure I am going to plug my own now Jo don't forget what we had a chat about cut all the shit out about her own personal shows. I will tell you one thing for sure. I am going to plug my own. Now, Jo, don't forget what we had a chat about. Cut all the shit out about her own personal

shows, okay? Jo's back, everybody! Jo, say hello! Hello. Everything's changed, but everything's the same. Vogue's still plugging Tan. I'm still plugging my tour. But things have changed. Jo's a daddy now, and Vogue's doing a live with Spencer. Yeah But things have changed Joe's a daddy now

And Vogue's doing a live with Spencer Yeah Things have really evolved Joe We want just Three things that you've learned Since becoming a parent Quick

Sorry just before Joe starts talking Sorry Joe Now you talk And then I'll say what I think after I think the first thing is I'll stop you there Joe I'll stop you there That's enough I will say this Vogue While you were waiting the first thing is... I'll stop you there, Jo. I'll stop you there.

That's enough. I will say this, folk. While you were waiting to come online or whatever, I was like, Jo, how are you? Jo, since he's become a father, since he's prawned a legacy, what's the case?

Spawned. Spawned. Spawned. Spawned or prawned. That's not a nice thing to call his baby a prawn It's night time in Perth I've been up since 3am

He His voice He came online His hair is greasier than usual And his voice is a lot deeper Like he's trying to Position himself His eye

Yeah his eyes aren't fully open either He's gone very authoritative He's like Hello Joanne I was like Who the fuck is that He sounds like Satan He's not going to put up

With your shit anymore Joanne How are the tits Jo Are you wrecked Please tell. He's not going to put up with your shit anymore, Joanne. How are the tits, Jo? Are you wrecked? Please tell me you're not going to start pumping. I cannot listen to one. I cannot listen to another one of you sitting there pumping.

I can't fucking deal with it. Excuse me, Joanne. My pumping has gone to a good home now. See, I was very kind. I pumped, I pumped for friends. I gave a lot of milk to friends.

200 ounces, Jo. 250 ounces. I know. Vogue donated tit milk 200 kilograms of cocaine. Tit milk.

Well, will you be donating, Joanne? Well, actually, Jo, I'm glad you asked. My sandals. I you asked my sandals I'm donating my sandals to charity Joanne you couldn't take no you have to keep those sandals you're in Australia

did you bring them with you of course I did I'm wearing them right now stop please like a kink show me you're not wearing them Adam refuses to touch me without them you're not wearing the sandals

she can't be as if I am I couldn't fit them in the suitcase they're the size of a fridge so enough about us go on joe three things that you've learned um i already want number one i already know that i don't want you to using the word daddy because of the things that you said about that word in the past daddy are you not comfortable okay you know what i only had this conversation with spencer i was like we've got to stop calling each other mama and daddy it's making me feel sick

And it's making Amber Feel really uncomfortable That's what we do I'm like Dada Wait I called him daddy The other day

Like seriously running And I was like Oh But we know There's a difference Between like Dada and daddy No I don't

I don't like daddy I'm not Like For a child That's fine But the other daddy stuff I really No not a fan

I'm not really sexually into that stuff either i don't mind it now after that of course you don't mind okay next thing you've learned next thing you've learned it's quite difficult in the few weeks where they just don't sort of focus on you or acknowledge that you're alive or exist in any way like when little do they know yeah Little do they know That you'd fucking They would not get very far Without us Humans are pathetic

You ever seen a giraffe Come out of a giraffe A baby giraffe Straight up Runs around Straight up Out working Straight away

Yeah That's what I did As a child Straight behind a dally Like fully qualified Immediately Human children Pathetic

Pathetic they are. Do you know elephants are pregnant for nine years? Sorry, go on, Jeremy. That's not true. No, they're not pregnant for nine years, but they are for a long time.

It takes a long time. That's a lot to build. Well, it's a lot to build. Excuse me. It's a lot to also build a child. Sorry, I wasn't saying that it wasn't.

Joanne, I can can't i don't understand what's happened to your nails they're not orange i feel really uncomfortable they look like yellow i don't understand have you started smoking they're that real sm or yellow? So basically I'm in Australia And She's not happy about the nails Well Well spotted bitch Well spotted

I'm not happy about the nails I'm in Australia Hello from 2047 Yet again Yeah Joe your child is now 28 I'm in Australia hello from 2047 yet again yeah Joe your child is now 28 I'm in the future Joe

you are though I find that so weird like you're in the future Joe I hate to break it to you but your daughter failed her GCSE CC's

there you go she's doing past maths and she's not doing great down to foundation maths sorry to break it to you yeah I'm the ghost of Christmas futures she just failed biology

you need to have a word you were rubbish at time differences when you were in Spain how are we going to do this? I was rubbish at time differences when we were on

when I was doing Greenwich Mean Time I still didn't understand I've had to rope her manager in I email him now and I'm like make sure it's Johan will you figure this out for her

to be fair I can't figure it out myself I can't 4am I have an alarm set I'm like the pod I'll be like I think it's 4pm on Wednesday

anyway so I had to film this I was doing this TV thing in Australia and so my nails you know yourself they're hanging off between the delish in australia and so my nails were you know yourself and they're hanging off between the delish and the shellac and the builder i don't know if i'm

coming or going so i was gonna need to go in and get the nails just to replace and the rest so i wanted a fluorescent yellow but i said to your one look i'm in a bit of a rush so whatever you can do so she put this on it's like a pearly pissy yellow no they're mustard they're colman's Pissy yellow No they're mustard They're Calvin's They're French mustard Yellow They're Corma

They look chicken Corma-y Or they look like A hangover wee They look like I've got Jaundice They're the colour of jaundice She's a jaundice girl Jaundice Corma

So not ideal But look Oh and also For the TV thing I had to say I was like Legs out I'm in Australia

Getting the legs out Yeah it's warm Is it hot hot? You've been sunbathing I'm in Australia Getting the legs out Yeah it's warm Is it hot hot? You've been sunbathing I'm in Perth It is like Living your life Trying to crawl out the window

Of a microwave It is 98 degrees The humidity It's like being in a hair dryer That's what I like in Perth too It's like someone's just Blowing a hair dryer

In your face the whole time Oh my god Speaking of which So your woman who was doing My makeup in the TV thing today, she was like, I was like, I was talking about, actually, Vogue, I was talking about being an Ibiza and how I sweat profusely and you like, no, like Prince Andrew, literally don't ever, ever sweat.

The only thing we have in common, by the way. Yeah, Prince Vogue. Apart from that, nothing else. Only two things. So she was like, oh, you know, there's this thing you can get because ultimately when we talk about sweating on the face, a lot of women message me going, I sweat, I have the same problem. There's this Australian product you can get, I must find the name, where it's like a deodorant for the face and you put it on

your face underneath your makeup. And then it's like Mitchum for the face. Nothing, no wetness, no sweatness. Have you had no wetness? Well, if it works on you, I mean, that must be a fantastic product. This is it. Yeah. This is it, folks. This is going to change my life.

This means we can film that show together that I said we couldn't film because I was like, I'm not doing that again. I'll never, I'll never forget the sweating. It was so insane

how much your face sweats. I mean, yeah, it was wasn't that means you're healthy by the way if you sweat loads no we all know that's not that's not a thing you're not the healthiest person i know that's for certain we can't say it's healthy when i'm literally all my nutrients are pumping out of my face onto the ground like that's not healthy i know a man right he has to go to the gym for like four hours a day because if he doesn't

sweat out the salt in his body, his body can't sweat out the salt. I think it's called, is it Meniere's disease or something? So he has to sweat.

He has to do like two or three hours of cardio a day to sweat out the salt. Don't bother looking it up, Jo. It doesn't matter. We're not factual here.

You don't know this man. You read about this in fucking woman's way now his name is Thomas and he was I met him in Australia and I

know him not anymore we haven't spoken in quite some time certainly not now you're slagging him off in the pod I'm not slagging him off

I'm just saying he goes he's a very healthy man who goes to the gym for two hours a day to sweat out the salt will we go on to emails please who goes to the gym for two hours a day to sweat out the salt. Will we go on to emails? Please.

I just wanted to ask you about the jet lag. You know my obsession with sleep. I want to know how you've been getting on. Please tell me. I was like, I can't wait to ask her about the jet lag. Please tell me. I was like, I can't wait to ask her about the jet lag.

Folks wanking away to herself. She's like, she hasn't slept in six hours. She's on a turn over now. She's gone from Greenwich to Mead to the Southern Western time. Yeah, she's lost nine hours there. Go on, go on.

Tell me, how much are you sleeping? What happened? You were awake at three in the morning. Oh my God. You're like, yeah. I mean, I yeah I mean I'd consider I'd consider leaving the house again as in I'd consider

not leaving the house again it's a it's tough gown what do you do at 3 in the morning because I went I went from Adelaide and then

went to Perth where I am now and then lost 3 hours on that flight I know it's so boring you know I don't you know I don't engage in sleep conversations

I'll just tell us a tiny snippet about the jet lag I want to know what you did when you woke up it's more it's more what she did I want to know what she was up to

she's not going to obviously go into the jet lag which is absolutely horrifying for me I was desperate to know what she was doing. I will the next time. I will the next time.

Let's save it. Save that. I know how aroused you get by lack of sleep. I will save it for next. Just text me or something. I will, yeah. I've been a faithful listener to your pod for the last two years

and love hearing the mad stories that people send in. It then dawned on me that of January 2023, I am one of those mad stories. Oh. Oh. I met a guy at a wedding and we clicked pure raw sexual tension and amazing flirting

I love that fucking love that miss that now I miss that okay miss that can I just say by the way god I don't want to bring up sex again okay

and I don't like being one of those people that counts how many times you do it but i've had to resort to counting and i would just like your expert opinion three times a week is surely a lot of times for a married couple to be having sex too many so this isn't the latter anymore we're now this is no we're delving into me i just i wasn't sure because your eyes went all mad and then you three times a week and I said it's been too too many if you ask me

too too many I honestly I truly believe that it's too too many three times a week and I was like I was like oh are you counting now

and I said well yes I am actually counting now because you always say that we don't have enough sex three times a week do you not think that's good enough

I knew last night I had to as well I just really wanted to read my book so Alan and me again have started I know now I know now

I've never known what a Monday was before now I know because it means it's a reset because I have to start the week of sex again yeah I know

so when he goes we only do it this many times a week I'm like well actually no If you break it down Like I It's too many times I've never been more aware of time

Is all I'll say And Spenny had the cheek To ask me to do it on Mother's Day Which would have meant four Day four I thought It's Mother's Day Mother's Day is a day of rest

I pray to myself I am not touching you Anyway Okay Well I know it's too much Okay back to the I'm not touching you. Anyway. Okay well I know it's too much. Okay back to the I'm the other woman. Anyway Anyway the tension

built up so much over the night that we snuck back to my bedroom and had unbelievable leg twitching multiple orgasm sex. Wow. Nothing wrong with this so far. Oh no except he's married and has two kids back in America. i knew this before i started flirting with him we still talk sex and flirt on the daily and i'm heading out to

america to him in the summer i'm the other woman and will be his little mistress in a hotel room thing is ladies i don't feel guilty and i feel like i should but i know it's just not there should i stop this before it gets further and mess messier do you know what you're like is she sociopathic or feminist I can't I can't tell where's the line I don't really understand listen each to their own if they have an open relationship fine but what I will tell you is he's getting a lot more out of this than you're getting out of it and he will not choose you over them by the sounds of it do you know what i will say and joe what will you say cautiously please the last thing i need is joe with mummy brain he's gonna fuck up the edit because it'll land us all in shit but what I will say is those lads

if he's doing it with you he's doing it on you that's all I'll say yeah and he's doing it with other people and like I feel sorry for his wife you're not the only one

you're one of the long line and if you're fine with that fine but it's not just and I don't mean this to sound mean you're not that special and I say this as someone,

I wish someone had said that to me six years ago. Do you want to tell us how you really feel? What I mean is, there's a thrill to attracting the attention of someone who's in a relationship because you feel like, oh, I must be like super sexy

to turn their head. What I'm saying is, their head is fucking turning all the time. Like, look at Tiger Woods. You think you're the only mistress. Hang on a second. He's got 11 more in a queue behind you, honey. They're all crawling out of the 18th hall. Yeah.

With necks cricked to the back like witches. Like, there is, you're not alone in this. No. That's actually a very very good point thank you he'll leave you as he finds you it is very true

and we're not even judging your situation because everyone does different things humans are humans but don't think that he does think that you're anything special

as you said you are because I do think that's true we don't judge we absolutely don't judge only in private only in private only in private we give professional advice

hi girls regular listener of the pod here and I just need a little advice I'm in a bit of a funk here we don't use that word enough

funk do you know what I used today fleek fle. I'm in a bit of a funk here. We don't use that word enough. Funk. Do you know what I used today? Fleek. Fleek. I'm bringing fleek back. Sorry, just because I know you don't like to finish emails when you start them. So I guess we're done with that one now. But what I will say to you.

Well, I guess you just don't like to open the emails and I always have to be the reader. When, because I'm in Australia now, the home of the abbreviation or the hoe of the abbrev as I'd say here I was actually me and Alan were like powering around today I was like I was like talking about abbreviations and I was like vogue is an absolute demon for them I was like I cannot get a full word out of that woman's mouth and she says this from her time in Australia and she sossies this and pickies that and doggos this and

indie women what's it called what's it called international woman day indie wimmy day indie winny day yeah I said she's out of control

and she needs to be stopped you need to be rehabilitated you need to be rehabilitated on my lips those crispy wispies were yummy And she needs to be stopped. You need to be rehabilitated. I just put some basil on my lips. Those crispy wispies were yummy. I was like, she needs to be rehabilitated. Like, she's not well.

It happened. I'm telling you, it was from Australia. That's what I came back with. I came back with abbreviationitis. And Winston. And Winston, yes, I did. Winnie the dogger. Winnie the dogger. Winnie the dogger.

Winnie the duck. Winnie ninny. Okay, so I was basically with this fella for 11 years. I'm 25. Wow. And we have a six-year-old together. And a couple of days ago, he broke up with me by leaving a note on the counter. No explanation or anything.

What? Wait a second. I don't know what I'm asking for here, but i feel like i've got punched by a fucking elephant i don't really feel sad about it because to be honest he was a bit of a twat anyways but i'm a single mom and like do i just go out in the prowl looking for a new man how long do you wait for get out get out in the prowl oh yeah do you know what i would say? So I was reading this thing about ghosting the other day and like each other we kind of demonize ghosting. Imagine ghosting though.

You're with someone for 11 years and you've got a kid with them. They have no explanation for you. I know, but I think sometimes, I just think sometimes people are so, the idea of confronting or saying to the person that they're in a relationship with that they don't want to be in a relationship with them is so, makes them so physically sick that they're like, I physically can't do it.

Yeah, but I just know, I don't think that there's any excuse. And I'd say she's an absolute bitch. If he was a twat, do you know what? This is what I always forced myself to do when I was left a relationship. I always think that you have to say yes to every invitation. Even if you don't feel like going, make yourself go and then you'll actually start

enjoying yourself eventually. That is true. Vogue said that to me a while ago. Yeah. Say more yeses. Say yes to everything. I have not said a lot of yeses this week. I haven't gone out in weeks.

I'm pathetic. I'm going to go out so much from now on. I want to have a drinky winky in the pubby and that's all I want to do oh please there's no right way to break up with someone and a lot of people

they just bottle it they're like I don't know how to say this to this person's face I can't cope with this we should do a TV show called Dumpsville where we talk about

people who've been dumped and ways in which they've been dumped and go into divorce and everything Dsville population one dumpster buckets yeah i thought we'd do a nice follow-on from our main episode remember we were talking about um kind of sleepgasms the last time oh yes yes yes yes I had a couple of women getting in touch with me asking

they were like do you know anything about coregasms and I was like no what the hell is a coregasm well Vogue let me tell you

I don't know well I mean if you haven't had a coregasm you're not going to have one at this stage but if you're doing a plank and you have an orgasm

well apparently if you like so you know those like core rollers that you can like roll in and out no I orgasm. Well, apparently if you, like, so you know those like core rollers that you can like roll in and out? No, I wouldn't touch one of them.

They're like torture. Ah, well, allegedly not, Vogue. Allegedly not. You could be coming like a mouth on one of those things. A lot of women got in touch. So there's different ways to orgasm

and they're like, core orgasms is one of them. If you roll the thing. Jo, what are you doing? Are you giving it? Listen, Joanne McNally, have you, did you not just hear me

when I said I've been having sex three times a week? Do you think I have time to be pawing away at myself? I certainly do not. It's not pawing. It's cawing. I don't want to cawer myself either. And on that note of cawing, I am off downstairs to film some workout

videos with John. I will be sure to get my core roller out and have an unusual time with friends around. Oh yes, and we're on tour. There's still tickets left for Glasgow. There's one Apollo we have some tickets left for in London. Liverpool? Actually, why do you hate us,

Liverpool? I'm just, I feel so shut out by you. Tough cookie to crack, Liverpool. Why? Why? Why? What are the sales? They're the least good in Liverpool.

In the county of Liverpool, the city of Liverpool. In the county of Liverpool, they absolutely, I think it's you, John, they don't like you. No, I'm kidding.