My Therapist Ghosted Me - MTGM EXTRA! "Stock still... Eyes open..."

Episode Date: November 23, 2022

Whilst Vogue can't be doing with being too cold, when Joanne was too hot in Ibiza this summer, she properly suffered... Much to Vogue's amusement. This week, they make their way through your emails on hall passes, pre-cheating and awkward silences... If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] is going on tour in Ireland & The UK! Remember to check the venue websites as well as Ticketmaster! For more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThank you!

This is a Global Player Original Podcast. Welcome to the bonus episode of My Therapist Ghosted Me, with me, comedian Jemima McNally, and her influencer and mother, Vogue Williams. Did you like that, Vogue? I really enjoyed that. Thank you very much. Influential celebrity mother, Vogue? I really enjoyed that thank you very much Influential celebrity mother Vogue Williams

have you heard the news? No The Wag at the Christie musical is 100% happening it is in development it's it's an exciting time to be alive

like I just wonder where is it going to end hopefully it never ends but it's an exciting time to be alive like I just wonder where is it going to end hopefully it never ends but it's imagine the honour of being turned into a musical you're up there with Tina Turner Meatloaf

The Book of Mormon Hamilton and there we have wedged in between it is Wagget the Christy going to be in the West End. Obviously, I'm going to it. I certainly am going to go. Oh, if we're not, we will be front row opening night.

That's a reason to leave the house. It would be. But like, I wonder, right, because you know that there's actually a documentary coming out very soon and Rebecca Vardy is fully, flatly denying it again

in this documentary and it's like, like, you can't continue the lie. We now know, like, you know when you're so deep into a lie

you're just like, fuck it, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna keep, you know you're wrong but you're like, keep rolling with this. She reminds me,

she reminds me of a man on death row. That's who she reminds me of. Who while they're getting dragged to the electrical chair are like I'm an innocent man. It's like you were

we found you with like blood all over your face and the weapon in your hand. Yeah. But she just can't. Now this is this is my take on it.

I think we just probably discussed this before I think her agent slash or slash manager whatever way she refers to

that kind of woman in her life I think she actually did the deed as such technically

so I think Rebecca Varady is convinced that she's convinced herself that because technically she didn't send whatever information to whatever paper, but she was, she was part of what happened.

She was an accomplice, but because she didn't technically do it, that's what she's kind of, that's why she's kind of digging her heels in. I'm an innocent man. Yeah. It's just so embarrassing though. And then,

but then she started going for Colleen and she's like oh you should do the good thing and give your legal fees to charity it's like hang on a second

like you brought it to court babe you should be paying her legal fees and then give some money to charity if you're so concerned about it

yeah no no no that was a really weird request she's just god lover I feel sorry for all of them I really do I feel sorry

for anyone having their messages read out like that I think it's request she's just god lover I feel I feel sorry for all of them I really do I feel sorry for anyone having their messages read out like that I think it's incredibly humiliating um we you know we've all had moments where we were unkind about other people you don't want them like fucking printed in a newspaper you know it's all a bit of a mess. But then it got me thinking, Vogue, ghosted the musical. Oh, no, no, not if we have to dance. Well, we wouldn't be in it. Oh, okay, okay. Then they can dance.

Yeah, we'd be played by other people. You'd be played by someone. Who would she be played by? Someone hot and gorgeous. Oh, thank you, Joanne. Yeah, and I'd be played by Joe hot and gorgeous oh thank you Joanne yeah and I'd be played by Joe McElderry do you remember him

Joe McElderry do you remember Joe McElderry he was also on the wall in Yeovil where I was performing the other night he was upside Postman Pat having signed

all his posters having been asked to sign his posters and I was asked to sign nothing and I was like Joe McElderry great voice and we kind of look alike

I'd be played by Joe McElderry. Well, he's a great voice. Lovely skin as well. Lovely skin. Gorgeous skin. Yeah. So that's who I'd be played by.

Joe, you'd probably play yourself because you don't have a lot of work and we'd like to give you the work. I think Joe might work, might work hard. We're like, you're not getting paid extra for this,

Joe. Okay. This is all just part of your own job yeah you're on Joe you'd want to wrap up the podcast

you're on the West End in five mum shoot shoot shoot it would open with the scene

of like me getting ghosted by the by the therapist the therapist could be in it did you ever find another therapist

no she's completely cock blocked herself now as well they all are like in it. Did you ever find another therapist? No. She's completely cock-blocked herself now as well. They all are like, nah, nah, nah, nah. They've heard her on this. They're like, nah, not for me. Not worth the money. Keep your 80 quid. Shove it up your arse. It's like you can't get Theodore into schools.

I can't get myself into a therapist's office now. The podcast has had a serious knock-on effect. Your kids can't get an education I can't get any mental health can't get no did you see that thing about Morrissey actually um he he was in California playing a gig it was 11 degrees celsius and he left the stage after like three songs because he said he was too cold so do they get money back? I don't know how it works, but like I am with him.

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's being cold. I absolutely hate being cold, but 11 degrees. I mean, you're not, it's not minus 11. It's 11. I mean,

that's like summer in Ireland. We're out in our bikinis. People are afraid to see. People are afraid to see. People are paid to see. Surely you'd throw on a pashmina and get on with it, no? Like, throw on an El Shawl there.

Pair of earmuffs, Marcy. Fucking crack on. He always seems a bit moany hole vibes though, Marcy. That's kind of his thing. It's real. Even his voice is dreary. He's too cool for everything

I just I just didn't think he was too cool to perform his own show that's quite the statement well that'll be you that'll be you

in two years time yeah refusing I won't perform I won't dance I won't dance and I won't when I used to do modelling

like my pretend modelling there was one studio in Dublin and honestly it was about minus 15 in there. Like the windows were all broken. So like it was basically being like outside in the winter. And I just used to be like, please God, don't make me have to go to that studio again. I think I only ended up going four times.

But like I would put in a contract, she's not working if it's not at least 20 degrees in the building. We're going to have to collaborate on this because when we filmed that tv show during the summer and we went to ibiza and i basically still on the floor over there dripped everywhere all week bravo just tiptoed around not a bother on her bone dry and I said we're never filming in heat again so I'd be like

I want whatever warehouse that is I want to go and film there like I couldn't bear it she was she put on instant tan who does that

while they're dripping wet in the summer her whole top turned like it wasn't Bared by Vogue by the way it was another substandard brand

and it was all over her top all over your necklace remember it was all over the pearls it was horrible it was gross

it was absolutely it was like someone was setting fire to me from behind it was just horrible horrible

it was like I was just trying to escape a fire at all times just like screaming rolling around in the ground folks just sitting there

perfectly toned honed do you remember the dancing do you remember the dancing no because at that stage I'd completely blacked out just I was just trying to survive at that point

oh my god did we dance what happened I'm actually just remembering stuff that we did the lion do you remember? Coming to a screen near you soon. Yeah.

I just felt someone was setting fire to me. You were so hot. I've never seen someone look so uncomfortable. It was hard. It was absolutely horrific.

It was horrific. And I don't know what you do. Like, I don't know why you don't sweat. I don't know what it is. I don't know why I pump sweat. Like, I constantly look like I just escaped a spinning class. It was horrible. Okay.

Hey, ladies. You've talked in the past about how you just know when he's doing something he shouldn't be. It's a sixth sense sort of thing. Well, I just know that my husband has got eyes for a woman he works with. Let's call her Carly. The way he speaks about her defends her and so on. And the fact that I saw him saying goodbye to her one afternoon after work. I'm barely sure that there's nothing actually happening.

But I know my husband and I'd say he's in the foothills of an emotional affair when is it okay to talk to him about it though i feel like mentioning it now he'd have every right to say nothing's going on and that would be it but i know how his mind works if i leave it any longer things will progress i don't think he's ever physically cheated on me but you've said it yourselves uh the emotional stuff is worse i just need to hear your opinion before I go full on Sherlock on him. Can't wait to see you both on the tour next year. Firstly, I feel really sorry for you and I hope that you're okay

because that's a really shit thing to be going through. It's horrible. Horrible, horrible, horrible. I feel that sense of dread. Yeah, it's like that dread in your stomach. Honestly, I would say it to him and I would definitely, I'd speak to a couples counsellor.

I think that like having someone like that is pretty amazing and something that you would not realise that you would like to have. He'll deny it. Guarantee he'll deny it. I know he can definitely, he can deny it,

but she can just sit there and be like, listen, I know. And I'm just saying this from like a good place. We're together. This is how I feel. I'd like to work through this together. Will you like speak to a therapist with me? And I think that if she did that.

I think it's too much. They're married, Joanne. It'd be different if they weren't married. They're married. But he's not, but he's not done anything yet. So he's just going to be like, what are you on about i'm just friends this girl and and she brings you with her i think you're better off going listen i see what's going on and it's

probably innocent and all that jazz but it's making me feel like shit i went out with the lad you did every single woman he met mother of god no one was safe his irises would just swell up with excitement that there was a fucking there was a vagina that was giving him any sort of attention and he was it was horrible it was awful horrible horrible and he was dm in the mall it was horrible but he was notorious and it was constant do you know what i mean it was like he was never going to change that was just who he is and i just didn't you know i was too young i kind of just went along with it at the time and tried to change change him

and kind of fix that plug that hole in the relationship but that was never good we just weren't some women won't mind some women wouldn't mind some women don't care

they're like I don't care he's just flirting away I do care yeah I would care about that and that would be making me feel like shit and maybe it's just like a little blip for him

maybe he's just bored of something I don't know um but i just i just think talk i would i always talk everything out with everyone because otherwise you you hold it inside and you're just like you're so freaked i think there's something actually really interesting that in watching the watching the preamble to the affair it's like you can see into the future you know what's going to happen but they won't say they're not going to admit anything to you because they haven't done anything yet yeah wonder how long they're married I hope oh I hope that you just sit down and talk to him and that you feel better because um I feel really sorry for you and we can both see how you feel and that would be awful but yeah you have to flag and be like look I see it I see what's going to happen

here and while it might be innocent now I feel like you're making me feel like shit see that's the thing sometimes they just deny it because they don't think they've done anything wrong but you're making me feel like shit

I feel like shit do you not care that I feel like shit you should care that I feel like shit yeah you should be trying to make me happy in our relationship

stop making me feel like shit stop making me feel uncomfortable you're absolutely you're absolutely dirt. Hey Vogue, I'm not addressing this email to Joanne because her name is banned in my house at the moment. I was out for dinner with my husband the other night. Date night, mind you.

And we were talking about the hall pass. I think mine was completely fair. I was out for dinner with my husband the other night, date night, mind you, and we were talking about the hall pass. I think mine was completely fair. I said that if I ever happened to meet Richard Madden, the Scottish actor, and he's the character from Bodyguard, then he's absolutely getting it. Fine, I thought, playful and unrealistic, enough that nobody's feelings would be hurt. When I asked for his, you can see where this is going. He said, Joanne McNally. So there it is. If my husband can ever convince Joanne to ride him, then according to the rules of the whole past game, he can crack on. Whatever, Joanne.

You're welcome to him. I'll probably forgive you in a week or two. Not him, though. Love the pod. There you go, Joanne. I just got you a ride. Hold on a second now. How come Richard Madden is unreal?

What's realistic about him being able to ride me? What, to think I'm just lying around England with my leg in stirrups waiting for lads to come up and ride me roll up roll up take a ticket I'm not winter wonderland you can't ride like I have rules and boundaries no she does four drinks in four drinks in she's yours did I tell you about did I tell you about Prada Peter oh wait that's me actually four vodkas out of limes it's gone down

two vodkas I'd be yours go on did I tell you when Prada Peter so I was doing the first time so he

he slipped into my DMs originally right but I didn't see them because I just didn't see it but anyway I was doing a TV show at home and slipped into the DMs and right but I didn't see them because I just didn't see it but anyway I was doing a TV show at home and slipped into the DMs and then we ended up

matching on Raya like a couple of months later but then I obviously saw the DM when we became friends on Insta and he was mortified because he was trying to

you know he didn't want me to know he'd asked me out beforehand you know yourself what lads are like but I was like why did you ask me like it was a bit of a move

why did you ask me out and he goes I just saw you on the telly you just looked really attainable. And lo and behold, he got you. I was like, how dare you? And he's like, well, look at you. We're together.

And I was like, that is not the point. That's nice though. That's nice. No, I was like, you're nagging me. Like, that's a though that's nice you did like I think no I was like you're nagging me like that's a nag now you basically

you know what I mean you asked me out you feel like you kind of played your hand and I've seen it now and now you're saying I'm attainable anyway

but look it turns out I am attainable so yeah tell your husband to meet him in Nantes outside the Palladium door around 10 o'clock tomorrow night

she's yours my legs will be in stare I'll do the crossover Piccadilly station I will be in the station with my legs akimbo oh god

oh god stop that's rank I was because I actually can't stop thinking about this dogging documentary I watched on Channel 4 ages ago.

And you saying that just reminded me of this person was in the back of their... in their boot on all fours and people were just coming up and banging them. And that's what they used to do. I just got a bit aroused there when you said that. Excuse me while I slip off into the boot of my Ford Focus for the afternoon. I'll be in Nottingham Town Square between the hours of 3pm and 6pm on all fours in my boot.

Oh God. People like that kind of anonymous sex stuff, you know, where they're just like ready to get it. Yeah. Whoever's passing. Yeah. Someone was telling me, you know them as well. It wasn't them who did it,

but their friends do this thing on, on a dating app where they basically leave, which I think this is really dangerous. They leave their door unlocked and they blindfold themselves. And the person just comes in and bangs them and leaves. And that's it. No, no, no. I imagine that person could come in with a machete i'd say that's part of the thrill though that it's like it's so risk risky do you know what i mean oh my god i would hate that so much i don't think no i would game no i would i'd be like peeping peeping under

i was doing this thing actually where i had to pretend to lose my senses for something and because it's maybe because i'm a control freak yeah they put they put headphones in my ears at music and then an eye mask on and i thought like i was tricking them because i could see under the eye mask but i wouldn't be able to sit there and not be able to see something it would completely freak me out. So I wouldn't like that. Hi, Vogue and Joanne. This morning I had an experience that I think you'd appreciate hearing about. Went to get a bikini waxed in a fairly normal pleasantries to begin with.

But before leaving the room, she said, just one thing to let you know before we begin. I'll be doing a two minute silence at 11 a.m. Okay, what's it for? She said, Remembrance Day. So at 11, a wee alarm will go off and we'll just do the silence i was so taken aback i didn't object and the fact that she was involving me was sort of sweet she left the room and i looked at the time 10 50 so we'll definitely be in the

thick of it by 11 i thought how's this gonna work she cracks on with things asking what i'm doing for christmas what about the weekend and so on and then the alarm goes off she's mid-pull and just downs tools and announces the silence i stare at the ceiling trying not to laugh wondering if i should close my eyes she stands above me stock still eyes open longest two minutes of my life is over she just cracks on again sorry was all she said so what is she remembering pub Pubes gone past. I don't understand. No. Remember it's a... To all the pubes we've ripped out before. There's a time and a place for remembering things

and midwax is not it. I'm sorry now. What am I remembering? The pubes. For every fourth strip I rip off, I do take a second of silence Just to remember the hairs That we've ripped out of your body

With the lollipop stick Getting a wax is You know You're kind of vulnerable as it is You don't need someone Taking a moment of silence Just to think about the fact That you're lying there

With your fucking Labia exposed to the elements If you're gonna do it Close your fucking eyes come on she can't stand there with her eyes just open staring at nothing that would make me so uncomfortable thank you for listening to the bonus episode of the pod keep sending your emails into hello at mtgmpod.com. you