My Therapist Ghosted Me - MTGM EXTRA! "We don't need to do anything weird..."

Episode Date: May 10, 2023

Not only are there plenty of emails to get through, but there's also the small matter of Nicolas Cage and his childhood memories, his pet snakes and the reason he doesn't eat pork...If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] review Global's Privacy Policy: https://global.com/legal/privacy-policy/MTGM is going on tour in Ireland & The UK! Remember to check the venue websites as well as Ticketmaster! For more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThis episode contains explicit language and adult themes that may not be suitable for all listeners.Thank you!

This is a Global Player original podcast. standard relief yeah well you were you were you probably were you were percolating rather than metabolising percolating yeah percolation station

yeah this new chair I feel very like I'm almost a bit too relaxed in the new chair it's not that I feel relaxed I just

you know what it's I think it's because I know lots of people have been sitting here and it's boucle and it's a bit warm and I just feel like

it's a dirty chair so I try feel like it's a dirty chair. So I try and not touch the sides. I would never even think like that. I know, I feel like there's loads of dirt on the chair. But I will say, and do you know what just happened to me when I was percolating just in there? I sat in the toilet

because I was thinking about filming something in my head and then I sat in the toilet like it was my toilet at home. I'm lucky there was no wee on it. Do you not sit down? Do you not sit in the toilet? I wouldn't usually sit in a toilet outside of was my toilet at home I'm lucky there was no wee on it do you not sit down do you not sit in the toilet I wouldn't usually sit in a toilet outside of my own home now I like

we are so different it's so funny I was on a plane the other day you do not sit in a plane toilet oh wait it gets way worse than that I walked in

to I came out of the toilet and the one of the cabin crew were like em I really wouldn't recommend you go in there on your bare feet. Oh my. You were going around the plane in your bare feet.

Of course I was. It was a long haul. Good luck. It's unacceptable. That's my bedroom for two days. They give you socks. The socks are too hot. I like my feet to be flapping in the wind.

There is nothing that aggravates me more than when somebody just has their little claws hanging out I can't my claws look great you're like Britney Spears when she mentions

that bathroom in her bare feet what bathroom? she was photographed going into public toilets in her bare feet and stuff like that I just wouldn't do that well I did it on a plane

and your man was like I really wouldn't recommend that and then I was embarrassed because I was like oh god well because men piss on the floor

you do Jo I know they do and then you're standing on piss is it a protest why do you do that I can't answer that question

for all the men I think I know why they do it because I've watched Theodore now he's gotten in trouble with me a couple of times he's pointing at something

at the back of the toilet and there's just piss everywhere it's like that's just so rotten it's where sometimes I know this is

terrible with lads because you know I don't really see their toilets that much but when you see in a woman's toilet you're like come on the fuck

girls I know sometimes it's just obviously a lad broke in because you're like who would do that that's what I mean

about like when I sat down in the toilet there I was like oh god but it was okay I was safe there was no wetness in the toilet there I was like oh god but it was ok I was safe there was no wetness on the toilet

I just think it's good for your immune system I think you're going to end up with a peanut allergy because you won't

allow yourself to be exposed by germs you're going to have a peanut allergy and then no one's going to be allowed to eat peanuts

in Battersea anymore or on planes and it's going to be your fault I did hear that I was on Aer Lingus the other day and I heard that

and I was like God that just flashed straight into my mind when they were like don't eat penils on the plane I was like come on

apparently they say kids who are raised with animals not like raised in a cage but like kids who have animals in the house

are less likely to have allergies yeah I think you sent me that I found that interesting they're saying that like Amber was raised with a lot of animals.

She's terribly allergic to horses. Like if I go horse riding and come back to the house which is very, very rare. But if I did like when I was doing that jockey thing

she'd just be really like her eyes and everything would go swollen just from me being around a horse. I wonder what it is. If we drank the same in a night out

she'd recover like so much easier than me the next day like her body is like sustainable yeah now she gets away with what she puts into that

that's not sustainability Amber is very sustainable it's immunity she barely gets hung over it's immunity you and Amber are so sustainable you're so sustainable

my liver is environmental that's what it is I've actually really pulled back on the biz have you yeah you have dewy skin now I'm

40 I'm going to post about it I'm kind of please don't please don't like please don't I can't stand it I'm thrilled

because I thought of a birthday present for Joanne and she loves it I love Irene like it she's like I'd usually say no to a present but I actually really like that so I have it I'm thrilled because I thought of a birthday present for Joanne and she loves it I love Irene Lockett she's like I'd usually say no to a present but I actually really like that so I have it I'd usually be like

not at all I was like yes it was either that ring size nine thanks no you said yes to the ring so that's what you're getting but it was either that

and if you said no to that I was going to get you a real Louis Bumbag but you said no you said yes to the ring no I actually prefer the ring the ring's a keeper forever yeah you'll end up

selling the Louis I know what you're like but I'm 40 so I'm turning 40 things are different for me now I pull back in the food

I've started flossing started flossing in Australia never done that before what's that about when I went to my doctor she told me that anything you do

before the age of 40 can be completely reversed so you're doing it at the right time yeah that's what I thought. It is true. It's actually true. My doctor actually said that to me.

So you could have done whatever you did to your body in the past. Don't worry about it because when I think about my early 20s, I think I'm in trouble. There was a lot of abuse there.

I'm in trouble in late life. There was a lot of abuse. No, your whole body is just, I was going to say regurgitating. It's not. Those days are gone. It's, what's it called

when something grows back regenerating my whole body is regenerating it is I've got a week to regenerate my entire body

it starts with flossing it'll finish with sobriety probably and hopefully a pregnancy yeah that'll be good I'd be happy for that I'd love to see you in pregnancy

to see what you're like see if your heismony is me I wonder I do feel well I have about a week and then I'm going to be perimenopausal so like I really need

to get on it yeah one man's not going to be enough I was like Alan you need to ring your mates get them all around because I'm on a very tight timescale here

I've got seven minutes to get knocked up like I don't care I'll unleash Benny he's pretty good yeah he can put him in the line up like I don't care I'll unleash Benny he's pretty good yeah he can put him in the line up I'll send him down

I'll send him down I'll get Ozzo over too yeah anyone really call in the troops anything anything at all I'll be like meeting lads on benches

they'll just hand it to me in a jar whatever whatever happens whatever works little turkey and then I'm going to sneak the child

into your house and have your nanny yeah just be like it's just another little baby little baby and then I'm going to sneak the child into your house and have your nanny yeah just be like it's just another little baby little baby and then I'll come back and get it when it's 18

and it's got a personality and it's got a crack and it can look after you exactly that's what you want someone to look after you someone to cut someone to

someone to shave me that's all I need someone to get rid of the chin rope someone to shave me we're on the same wavelength Joanne Christmas day bit of crack and someone to shave me we're on the same wavelength do you want Christmas day bit of crack and someone to shave me

exactly you need to have someone around and because you don't like company that much that's why you're just after one because I need to be surrounded I have to I might have to have a fourth

I don't know well I was thinking should I have to have a second one because if I only have one is it going to be hanging around the whole time whereas if I have two they go off with themselves

they go off with each other like dogs exactly yeah I know you're going to have another one time whereas if I have two they go off with themselves they go off with each other like dogs exactly yeah I know you're going to have another one I don't know 100% oh yeah speaking of

babies you sent me that thing about Nicolas Cage oh he's I mean we love Nicolas Cage because he's I think he's I think he's like bananas he is bananas

mad as a box of frogs I love him so much though. We do. He was like his first memory was in the womb. He says he remembers faces in the dark and I was like I'm sorry

that doesn't even make sense unless your father is incredibly gifted to Cunny Lingus why would there be a face in the womb? How would it have even gotten up there?

It doesn't make any sense. You'd hear voices outside of the womb you wouldn't see faces in the womb. I just like I'm calling bullshit

on this I think but you know what you know what else is bullshit Spenny tries to pretend like he remembered something from his second birthday and I'm like

you didn't what has happened is you've seen pictures of it yes you remember in the womb like come on that's saying I remember

when I'm dead but faces in the womb who sticks their face in the womb hey look hey little baby nicholas and then pops back out makes no sense he thinks your mother is your mother he thinks he can see through skin and because you sent me that i actually went into some facts about him he's really interesting though so he bought like this is this is like he just I don't know he's so bizarre he goes around in all those weird clothes

as well which is just I like him even more I love the sound of his voice but he's married to somebody very young they have a kid he bought two king cobras

and because they kept attacking him he had to get rid of them like I don't know what he thought was going to happen with the king cobras hold on what is he sitting at the fire

patting his cobras they're supposed to be kept in a jar or like it's a snake pit or whatever yeah he thought he was just going to his cobras at night? They're supposed to be kept in a jar or like a snake pit or whatever. Yeah, he thought he was just going to have cobras like hang around his gaff. Like poodles. Yeah, they weren't very friendly and he had to... What the article said was, and this ended poorly.

I'm sure it did. He was dismayed to find that the snakes kept trying to attack him. Well, I hope he adopted them and didn't buy them fresh because that's cruel. Cage chooses his diet based on animals mating habits. He doesn't eat pork because he says pigs have dirty sex, but he eats fish and poultry

since fish and birds mate respectably. He definitely wouldn't eat dirty fish. Well, I... I have a similar ethic to him. I'm the same. I haven't eaten pig. That's why I haven't even that's where I don't even pigs don't have dirty sex what the fuck is he talking about

I googled it I was like what are pigs getting up to what am I missing out on and I googled it it's just obviously because they're just having sex in their sties it's very

do you know what Nicholas it's not nice to judge someone else's home it's not nice to judge someone else's sex life Nicholas says the two girls judging other people's sex lives

constantly he once lost a hundred grand treasure at sea explain It's not right to judge someone else's sex life, Nicholas, says the two girls judging other people's sex lives constantly. He once lost a hundred grand treasure at sea. Explain. His fiancée at the time, Lisa Marie Presley. Interesting. Yes. She took your engagement ring off his boat and the divers never managed to find it.

Obviously, it's gone into the sea. What an amazing way to say your wife left you. Like her fiancée. I lost a hundred grand in the ocean she must have like it was the heart of Titanic

she fucked it over the edge because you probably cheated on her I know oh I don't know I don't know but your two cobras are you jealous

Jo oh yeah snake whisperer over there I forgot about Jo those kind of celebrities though they're so rich and famous

they're obvious they're just mad. Like, you can't stay sane. No, I know. He actually, another thing he did, he did magic mushrooms with his cat, which I can understand. Ah, no, that's something to be admired.

That is like, he said the cat kept Ray in the fridge, so he decided they must do shrooms together. Is that good cracker abuse? I can't tell. I just don't know where the line is. Oh, no, I mean, if the cat ate the shrooms on is that not is that good cracker abuse I can't tell I just don't know what the line is if the cat ate the shrooms on its own

then he's not like he's not shoving the shrooms down the cat's throat oh fine I suppose the cat like might be into shrooms someone was saying the other day

I must have read it somewhere that em they left out one of their edibles oh no and their dog ate it yeah their dog ate the jelly

and died no he's grown just tripping balls just had a nice time yeah he collects comic books it's the last one I have right

he collects comics books and he had this really like spectacularly amazing one I don't know anything about comic books it got robbed from his gaff and then for like 12 years

it was never found they could never they never knew where it went and then someone was emptying it like you know those storage wars where they like buy storage units that's been left and then someone was emptying it like you know those storage wars where they like buy

storage units that's been left and someone found that and the comic book showed up so it got back to Nicolas Cage and he sold it for 2.1 million pounds what

yeah so he got it back after like 12 years and got to sell it for 2.1 million pounds this man has led a very interesting life very interesting

and that's not even all the stuff about him but like I kind of like to hang out with him we need to get in on cartoons your book's going to be worth a fortune

one day with your little doodles in it do you know what you can get stuff exciting stars jumping for the I can't wait

jump for the stars brilliant children's book if you're looking for a gift when Joanne McAnally's book comes out I will be sure not to give it

if you don't ask me to do a quote by the way I'll be really offended I won't do it but you better ask me that's fair of course though I did assumptions

oh yeah do you want to hear some yeah you both smell amazing Vogue smells very clean I would say I smell good Oh yeah. Do you want to hear some? Yeah. You both smell amazing. Vogue smells very clean. I would say I smell good. You do.

You do smell good. You make an effort. You smell nice too. Yeah. You actually complimented me on my smells today. I did. I got a whiff of her today that she smells nice.

Yeah. Fresh. I'm actually glad with that assumption because I think sometimes there's assumptions that I'm just rolling around in my own dirt all day.

She's actually very clean, John. Just drunk eating chicken wet off the floor, which is just not true. You do do things like that, but you do clean your clothes often. Very rarely now.

Very rarely. You'd want to see me, I'm in Vogue now with three suitcases bricking it. I haven't said a word to you. I didn't, when I went into the room

the other day, did I say anything? No, today, that was me, that's because I tidied it all morning. Oh, was that clean? No. Today that was me. That's because I tidied it all morning. Oh was that clean? Yes.

Okay. She's an unusual way of packing. Another one. Joe the pod prod writes all the jokes for the pod. He does?

He does. Who? I am. Joe's not funny except his hair is quite funny. Oh thanks. The Joe like we are every week I am shocked at how funny except his hair is quite funny oh thanks the Joe

like we are every week I am shocked at how little work Joe does so he's not writing anything for the pod he doesn't do anything I used to write intros remember I used to do intros

oh I remember the intros I actually do you know what I actually miss the and we love Joe I miss the the those things

you won't get her back she's not going to let him back no she won't well she never listens to the final letter we can do whatever we want but we always give welcome to my therapist guys

because that's all we need yeah Joanne is the tired one bullshit obviously not all Vogue will be interested in is how bad the jet lag was I was so interested

in her jet lag and now that she's in my house she texted me 20 to 4 this morning morning because I texted her last night I was like I'm going to train

what jet lag 20 to 4 she's morning because I texted you last night I was like I'm going to train watch out like 20 to 4 she's like actually I'm awake so yes I will train but you would have 7 which is basically like her afternoon

I am the productivity of waking up at 3am every morning I was like if I could just fly around the world every Sunday day

my week would be banging I'd be up at 3am every day like it is fire like I was out

I was out in Battersea Park today I was kind of running walking I don't know what I was doing kind of trying to you know I was really dragging myself

around the park today as well and em can I just say one thing by the way you walked out the door who did you forget who loves Battersea Park Otto

Winston you left him there wow Winston loves the park Winston did not Winston did not have a good reaction to me when I came in

and I said do you know Winston you've aged I was expecting more of a bit of a song and dance when I came back

and he just looked at me with his old depressed eyes he do you know what John because he doesn't need you do you know why

because he knew you'd fuck him over today he knew you'd do that well I went I went up this morning at 3am

for my breakfast into your kitchen she lets me upstairs once a day to eat and em shit I thought I locked that

door there was something flapping in the dark and I was like who's there who's there and it was it was Winnie's

little tail because he thought I was someone interesting and then when I turned around he looked at me and literally was like who's there who's there and it was it was Winnie's little tale because he thought I was someone interesting and then when I turned around he looked at me and literally

was like oh god I just went back to sleep what's Winnie doing in the kitchen at three in the

morning on his couch does he not sleep there he usually he starts off in my room he's on the

floor then he got into his bed last night he just kind of he obviously just wanders around

Joanne would you like to do some listener emails hit me okay dear Vogue and Joanne, would you like to do some listener emails? Hit me. Okay. Dear Vogue and Joanne, I'm not trying

to one-up the woman who wrote in about her fella wanting her to watch porn because we're all in this together but my boyfriend took it a few steps further.

We are all in this together. I love that. We actually are. I love that. I love that. Because it's like knowing that you're weird but then knowing

other people are also weird that would be an intro I would do welcome to my therapist goes to me we're all in this together yeah we're all in this slightly hysterical

wasn't that like the COVID tagline was that not bish bash bosh or something what was the COVID tagline bish bash bosh give your hands a wash

something like that yeah eat and pray at day and sea or something. He approached this particular subject like a business plan and gave me a point by point of how it would work.

Oh. He'd followed loads of porn couples on OnlyFans. Oh. Sorry, excuse me. Is there a place that I'm missing out on porn? Is that on OnlyFans porn?

On OnlyFans? I guess it must be, yeah. And told me that he thought we should start our own account. I hear now, come on. Oh my God. He showed me the accounts of people he'd been researching,

how many followers they had and the money he estimated they were making. Oh my God. This is a full point. This is a business plan. My favourite part of his business pitch was when he said,

I honestly don't think we need to do anything weird. Like literally just sex would be fine. Sorry. Oh wow. He wanted us to publish videos of us having sex to make money on the internet. Forever the Gentleman,

he said that we could do it without our faces on camera hold on why would that's so basic surely like is porn not do you know what though you never look at the face anyway

come on is anyone looking at the face when there's riding going on you're not looking at a face I like to see love in the eyes sure you do I politely declined

and he slinked off like I'd said we couldn't go to the toy shop. We were together for three more months and called it a day. Love the pod. I'm beside myself about seeing you in Cardiff. Thanks for coming to Cardiff.

We do still have some tickets left for Cardiff. That's so funny. I mean, I suppose if the face, like, if the face isn't going in, but I'm sure people would recognise my tummy and stuff like that

like what? why? I don't know I feel like they would because it's all I always have my tummy out and about

I was going to say you got like Gigi's face tattooed across your navel no but I think you can recognise my tummy no? I don't know

maybe not recognise my tummy you're mad like see this is the thing where people this is what they say how these young ones

have ended up kind of becoming accidental like sex workers because it starts off with only fans oh yeah show a couple of quid

here and there and they're up in their bedroom and they're well only show our dicks and then it's the basis and next thing they're like

wanking off the hoover or whatever and you're like, oh, put your face in it for an extra tenner and listen, this is how it starts. Dyson dicks. Oh, God.

Henry the Hoover, why do you think he looks so depressed? Now, if I had to do it with any, like Henry the Hoover has got a great suction. What do you have? You've got the one you used to have.

There's Henrietta as well. She's disappeared. No, Henrietta's still around she's already fine I thought she'd gone she'd gone private behind a paywall or something I never see her working anymore I don't see her

sucking on anything these days anyway can we take our brains out of the gutter please so Joanne with her whole head in the gutter hi Vogue and Joanne absolutely love the podcast I need your help I've become really close with a friend of mine in the gutter Hi Vogue and Joanne absolutely love the podcast I need your help

I've become really close with a friend of mine in the last six months oh we message every day see each other a few times a week he's got a way

of inviting himself in for a cuppa oh and he's got me involved in his work I'm purely platonic because he has a girlfriend

although he is in an unhappy relationship he won't walk away from for some or no reason. I mean we all do that. Everyone does that. Yeah, that's true. You're unhappy for ages

before you leave. No one leaves straight away. I kind of love breaking up, getting back, breaking up, getting back like at least six or seven times. Yeah, there's a couple of fake goodbyes.

Yeah. A couple of false starts. A hundred percent. I'm like midway breaking up with Spenny so I've only done it three times now. It's going to take another three. Brilliant phase three.

He's on the way out. I'm still scarred from a previous narcissistic relationship and it's safe to say I do miss having a special someone in my life. I feel a bit like I'm the other woman giving him the emotional support his girlfriend doesn't. Friends and colleagues have picked up on chemistry and I feel I have to justify that nothing's going on.

Now what I will say is you might he might be thinking something else than you're thinking. If he's thinking he might be leaning on you as just a friend

and men and women can be friends I believe. Oh I firmly believe they can until they write. I believe there is a stage of friendship.

100%. Yeah, but I just, I think that he might think that you're just friends and that's why you can't be annoyed that he's looking for emotional support off you as a friend. It's, I mean, look, the story stinks. He's in an unhappy relationship that he's told her about. He started the friendship news six months ago and he's coming in for cups of tea. All I'm saying is what I think

is that men usually set something up oh I would be I'm a setter-upper they don't jump into the abyss they kind of set up who does so maybe he's trying to set you up

do you know that kind of way for the next one don't tell me are you not a try and setter-upper I'm not I'm really not now it just depends well because it takes me such a long time to break up with people it's usually they're out there breaking up with me so I'm not. I'm really not. Now, it just depends. Well, because it takes me

such a long time to break up with people. It's usually that they're breaking up with me. So I'm just completely blindsided. I think I'd rather be dumped. Would you? No.

I'm not going to. No, I wouldn't. I think being broken up with can be some of the worst pain you've ever experienced in your life. Look, it's not nice either way

because you feel so guilty when you do no I actually I actually agree but no I'd rather not be dumped I remember this one time

I got dumped I was really hurt one time there's nothing worse well everybody thank you for listening that was the bonus episode and we will see you

next Friday or in Glasgow or in Glasgow or in Glasgow or possibly Newcastle or potentially Boston Massachusetts

Cork is also an option or Belfast Bye.