My Therapist Ghosted Me - MTGM EXTRA! "You can have him..."

Episode Date: August 31, 2022

This week, we find out about a listener who had a difficult night with a dog, Vogue has an issue with public urinals and Joanne tells us which film terrified her as a kid. If you'd like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThank you!

This is a Global Player Original Podcast. Welcome to My Therapist Goes To Me, the bonus episode, with me, Joanne McNally, and her, Vogue Williams. If Vogue fucks up once, it means I can fuck up nine times. That's how it works. So Vogue gets the time wrong for the podcast once. I'm like, okay, that's nine fuck ups for me. That's the bartering system.

But then Jo... When you texted today all confused by the time, I was like, come on Vogue, fuck it up. Come on. Keeping in mind that Joanne had already fucked up this morning. Exactly. Yeah, she had already fucked up. But Jo, I don't know what you're trying to say. I don't run a tight ship here.

You're worse. I'm operating a clarinet system, as in, like, I will fuck up on the regular low level. Joanne doesn't do it so much anymore. Remember, we had to give out to her. Vogue. Yeah, no, no, to give out to her. Vogue. Yeah, no, no, no, no, no. Vogue.

Aren't you gas there in your headphones in your Houston jersey? You're no angel. Let's not go down that route. You're no, you're no fucking angel to yourself.

I'm no angel. I had a couple. I actually got, that's why. I was in trouble last week. Obviously I'm the fuck up. Oh. Yeah, I got myself in trouble

oh wait what's that what else have I done what else have I done have you not seen the Daily Mail today it's kicking off no I'm kidding Joanne

that kind of shit gives me a nerve like I'll have to turn my phone off I can't take anymore I know I know I know

I know my problem is that they keep saying that you said it on our podcast and I want to reply being like this has nothing to do with me

this was very yeah this is can I just confirm this is on Vogue and Spencer's podcast this has nothing to do with me I am innocent I've nothing to do with it

I've never been on a plane I know nothing about it she has been on planes she just doesn't remember being on the plane I've never there's been quite a few flights. Apparently I flew a plane home from Birmingham once.

No memory. Just woke up, there was a plane in the driveway and I was like, oh God, how embarrassing. I love when that happens. Did you see the story about the old woman who slapped? Obviously I got scented a million times, which of course is highly insulting. There was an elderly German woman who

I don't know what she's going through but she's clearly not well she was on a jet set what are they jet to go what are the English Jet 2 it's a budget airline we've said it before you know what I mean there's no excuse for a turbo it's a fiver it's a fiver of life

Joanne you're lucky you're not hanging on to the wheels flying out. Like you'd be hanging on to the wheels. But so she, anyway, she was kicking off

because she was like demanding her free champagne. They were like, we don't, we don't do that. Yeah, exactly. Wrong airline, wrong year,

wrong everything. Anyway, then they gave her gin and tonic and she smacked the steward across the face. Did you see this story? Yes. So you know the way me and Val were obsessed with like flight drama. Love it. Because there's no rules, but there's also loads of rules in the sky. My most, the worst thing was that video of James and Brian on the flight to Ibiza when people were literally, it was like a full on raveave i wouldn't be able for that i think

the plane was gonna fall out of the sky yeah no i love i like a rave but very much on the ground i'm big into cement yeah me too i love a floor i love a rave on a floor i love a floor yeah anyway they had to divert the plane the usual shit why did you have to divert the plane though come on like everyone else misses out then I know but when someone kicks off like that like she was kicking the shit out of everyone

like she just kept hitting people because it was something to do with they didn't give her ice or something I don't know like she's obviously having anyway I got sent it

a lot of times like haha is this you well Joanne did I ever tell you my mom was an air hostess I've never once sorry

I've only once smacked an air steward in the sky. The toilet was occupied for an insane amount of time. And I was like, sort it out. And then I glassed her. Kidding. Jokes, obviously. Do you know what?

I actually have to say to you. When I was getting that train to Scotland Scotland and it's the same with planes if someone is like someone was in the toilet on the train to the point where I was like I better get the train guy because I think this person might not be well in there yeah their dad yeah thought he was dead right but a young guy I was like that would be an early death for him and like it pains me so much like I cannot be the one to go in after them. Because what takes 10 minutes to do in the toilet? It's not something I want to be engulfed by. I cannot.

Vogue, I completely agree. I also respect the way you're speaking about this. Because, you know, I don't like toilet chat. So you're being very respectful. I'm trying to do it. I could not. So when I was on my Fiverr flight from one part of the world to the other, whatever, the air stewardess was

in the toilet for an extended period of time and I was like, this is going to be really awkward now. But do you know what? The flush in the train, in trains and on planes is so violent and aggressive. It sucks all the air out. Yeah, you never walk in on anything. I'll tell you what. And let's leave it there. Let's leave it there i just feel like can you please just wipe the seat after you as

well just please wipe it just wipe it thank you very much thank you please also last thing last thing when we were doing our show in 21 soho last week like this whole new thing about having urinals on the street no it's not acceptable. The whole area just smells like piss. So you're actually ruining a whole radius. Soho Square, ruined. Close it down because it smells like piss because of those urinals. I'm not going to get involved

because when Vogue goes political, we all know it's an absolute quagmire and we all know it's just not getting involved. Don't get involved. But I'm planning on sorting it out. She's running getting bought. Don't get bought. But I'm going to, I'm planning on sorting it out. She's running for marriage. Did you hear that show?

I am. Yeah, I can hear it. She's replacing Boris. Sadiq who? Boris. Come over to mine. I'm having a sash in 10 Downing Street. Come over.

Come, come, come. It's going to be so much fun. Kick off at 11. They don't get, I wouldn't be, I'd have to. I'm actually a fan of the pisspots in Soho you couldn't be a fan of the pisspots no one is a fan I'm a huge fan I had a photo taken with one I got their signature

and also what I would like to say it's very it's not it's insulting to women. Where do we piss? Huh? Why is it just all about the men? I love, I love when you go feminists. You're like Jermaine Greer. I fucking love it.

Yeah, that's exactly how, that's how I feel about it. That's how I feel about those urinals. Okay. You're like, fuck the patriarchy making us piss in a toilet. I told you about the man, the man who lives. Should I tell you about the man? This isn't even a made up story the man who lives in the urinal

in Burghain he basically lies in the urinal because he loves people pissing on him and he's like piss on me piss on me he puts a face up

yeah me and Vogue talk about this all the time a lot yeah we do do you know what I keep going back to that's someone's child

I know your child is lying getting pissed on by everyone I know but like it's with consent and he's into it so i know child is lying getting pissed on by everyone i know but like it's with consent and he's into it so you know if theodore chooses to put on a gift mask and lower himself under the toilets in burkham i would expect you to respect that so this lad wears a gift mask yeah we heard that that the lads in the toilet were like they looked down he's like he's in a great under the ground piss on me yeah i have to

say my sex drive has like gone through the floor poor spenny he's like will will i'm like okay no i heard he was onto me about it so it's really bad but like but like it's because otto's now in our bed theodore is lying beside our bed and like last night I had to leave my room to go and find somewhere else to do it and then I'm lost in the moment that's not sexy to me I think as you get older you choose sex or kids I think oh my god we'll talk about it on the main part but I read this very interesting article about how to divorce proof your marriage Jesus you could have told me about that years ago. I know.

I'll never tell you the tips. I live for your divorces. They're so cool. We get a day out. It's a big brunch. It's an occasion. It's nearly better than the wedding itself. So do you want to know why Theodore is on my floor?

What do you mean he's on your floor? Auntie Amber. Well, because we've no room in the bed because Otto's been horrific he has to be in the bed Auntie Amber showed Theodore

the first five minutes of Jumanji he now can't fall asleep on his own he won't sleep in his own room we've tried he's like

but why did his hands get sucked in Jumanji Jumanji I had a similar experience with Charlie and the What?

No. Jurassic Park. I don't live in fear of a dinosaur being brought back to life. Couldn't give a fuck. No. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

when your man goes up the pipes remember the lad goes up the pipes. Oh Augustus Gloop. Augustus Gloop gets stuck up the chocolate pipe and I was never able to

go down a water slide this is where my fear of the Rainbow Rapids came from the Rainbow Rapids was a water park in Dublin don't worry about it

but that's where my fear came from we've actually spoken about it yeah Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is freaky as fuck

so is the witches do you remember the one that got trapped in the painting we spoke about that yeah we've spoken about the one in the painting

I absolutely hate that I'd rather be dead it's absolutely hate that i'd rather be dead it's the only time i'd rather be dead because you know how much i don't like death but i don't want to be living in a painting she's not a fan of death joe she's just not a fan she knows herself she's like what things i'm good at things i'm not at i'm not good i'm not good at death i watched just to bring the tone right down sorry just to bring the mood right down i watched the father on netflix oh no i've only watched a bit of that it was really depressing it's unbelievable though it's such a good film he's amazing it's anthony hopkins right i think he won an oscar i think

he won an oscar for it i was trying to show spenny like amazing irish movies and so like i was like let's watch my left foot and then i was like let's watch My Left Foot and then I was like let's watch Angela's Ashes and he was like what the fuck is wrong with all these people this is so depressing I know we know upbeat Irish movies

right Angela's Ashes is like it's up there it's very it's amazing movie though Irish we love pain we love suffering

we love it we're very good at it we do it very well I topped it off with Philomena Hi Joanne and Vogue a couple of years ago I was on a date with a guy

that I wasn't really into but given the fact I was just out of a five year relationship and trying to be more worldly I went home with him anyway and we went back to his travel the fact I was just out of a five year relationship and trying to be more worldly I went home with him anyway and we went back to

his travel the world be worldly you've got to be I wish I'd been more worldly when I get transported into your body

Joanne that's when I'm going to do the damage did you hear the news Joanne me and Vogue are going to swap bodies and I am going to Elon Musk is all out

we've hired Elon yeah I am going to ride rings around myself like I am going to wake up Musk is all out. We've hired Elon. Yeah. I am going to ride rings around myself. Like I am going to wake up the next day in my own body with 12 STIs.

I don't know what Vogue's going to do with me. It's going to be terrifying. Go on. And we went back to his. He had a gorgeous greyhound who was so happy to see me. But when she realized

I wasn't leaving anytime soon, she quickly became very jealous. Started off small with her taking my shoes to the front door and knocking over a glass. I love her. That's so funny. I felt bad for her, but we laughed it off and carried on.

Then she upped her game. She walked in on us several times in bed and that would have been fine if this wee creep didn't decide to stare into my fucking soul every time. I was a bit uncomfortable, but your man assured me she was just being nosy. It wasn't until the morning after that I knew for sure she was trying to psych me out. After a night of subpar shagging, I woke up to that uncomfortable feeling that someone

was watching me at 6am. There she was, her face right in mine. And then I smelt it. That bitch had shat in the bedroom right at my side of the bed good for her I was fucking mortified

woke up her man and he was so embarrassing she never does this well Molly you can have him you won that's amazing

so apparently dogs obviously I'm a big dog person as is Vogue Joanne has no dog but anyway I'm a dog person I know but I can't have it where would I put it? In my house come on

you know this already. Imagine me rocking into a travel lodge and wigging with the fucking Alsatian I'm like I have a dog like it's not sustainable with the career anyway love dogs but I know the dogs are hyper intelligent very and they feel feelings and they feel jealousy and all those things.

I remember, I might have spoken about this before. I was going out with this lad, he had a dog. Yeah, you told us about humbling the lag. Did I? No, no, no, no, no, no, not the lag. Oh, sorry. How rude of me. A different lad, different dog. Okay, fine. I've lived a life, folk. I've lived a life. We know how Joanne feels about animals. Continue.

I've ridden loads of dogs. Okay. Not just one dog. Do you know what I mean? It's not fair. The term worldly is subjective, Vogue. She's allowed to say that. If I said that,

I would literally get calls off the DSPCA being like, Vogue, you cannot ride dogs. It's not fair. Vogue puts you on a bestiality's not fair. If Vogue puts you on a bestiality display, you'd be all over the Daily Mail. If I want to do that, I will.

I'd be resharing it being like, look at this dirt bird. I watched her drop the hand on a Labradoodle. I was fucking disgusted. That Labradoodle was gorgeous.

I'm so glad it's out. Go on, tell us about, tell us about the night you had sex with him. Anyway, going out with this lad and then

he had a dog fine and my like knickers were cast off you know yourself side of the bed

on the bench don't tell me Philly Nicks McGee over there did I not tell you this woke up the next morning I've never laughed so hard his dog

had eaten the crotch out of the knickers so all that was left was just the string I did Joe didn't I say I think I did tell the story before just the string

and the dog just licking its lips and I was like am I leaking pedigree to him what the fuck is going on here ate the crotch out of my knickers

my dog Rocco used to eat the crotch out of so many pairs my dog Rocco used to eat the crotch out of so many pairs of pants and it's just like they love a bit of fertility that's what dogs are into oh god

that's so they love they I actually think it's a it's an act it's a feminist act do you know what I will say right Winston doesn't do that

he's very he's a kind man Winston he's gay Winston's gay he doesn't but do you know what actually yeah because he never even bothers what you know he's gay I guarantee you he. He's gay. Winston's gay. He doesn't, but you know what, actually, yeah, because he never even bothers

when I just have sex anymore. I guarantee you'd have a sniff at Spencer's jocks, 100%. I honestly, I swear to God, I think Winston's gay, defo. I actually believe you. Of course he is. That's why he's so sad

because no one's let him come out. Yeah. I don't know what the community is like. I don't know what the LGBTQ community is like in the dog world, but Winston's clearly not involved. Do't know what the community is like I don't know what the LGBTQ community is like in the dog world but Winston's clearly not involved do you know what Winston that sad looking dog right Amber's like to me you didn't take Winston with you I was like I was going to a building

site and by the way he's been to the beach and he's also been for a walk on the cliffs like what does that dog want it's too much the aura of sadness of Winston is that is not that is not true right do you know what because sometimes you're saying oh i'm gonna come and get winston and go to the park and then she fucks off to the park and doesn't come and get winston and that's why when you come home

he is sad because i've told him that you're taking him to the park and he can smell bad i see park off you vogue don't you you dare blame Winston's mental health issues on me. Joanne, it's you, okay? Two times I stood him up. Two, four, ten, potentially ten times I stood that dog up.

He never knew about it. He knew. I told him, Auntie Joanne's coming over. Here she comes, Winnie, Winnie, Winnie. And then you come back

reeking of the park. He knows what the park smells like. Maybe Winnie can be My godchild Could I be his Only godchild What is wrong with Otto

Okay Oh my god Exactly You tell me No one knows Everyone's asking The same question What's wrong with him

He is An absolute delight I know I've got a UTI Oh Joanne That's because Oh god Let's not go into The whys and the wheres What I will say is Torture An absolute delight. I know. I've got a UTI. Oh, Joanne, that's because, oh God. Let's not go into the whys and the wheres.

What I will say is. Torture, torture. Vogue, I could not agree more. Like I, if I was running Guantanamo Bay, I would give everyone a UTI. Fuck the waterboarding. It is the most painful thing. Oh my God.

Jo, so I don't know if you know this, Jo, but like as a woman, if you don't know if you know this Jo but like as a woman if you don't pee after you have sex That's cystitis. A UTI is Your insides basically implode

and it's the most painful thing. Yeah. Yeah but a UTI is different to cystitis. I think you've got cystitis but you have to take tablets for that.

No, no, no. I know. I have a prescription. Do you know what that reminded me of? It's the most painful thing don't sorry you think you need to pee

but you don't you don't you go to pee and then like only like two drops like a tic tac drops out and then you feel like you need to pee all the time

and then it's like this pain it's horrible and I always thought it was because lads were like riding dirt into you but apparently it's your own

that's absolutely disgusting it's your own that's absolutely disgusting it's your own folk how fucking dare you to speak to me thank you for listening to the bonus episode of my therapist goes to me

we had an absolute ball tell them about tell them about Birmingham will you we had an absolute ball Joanne is still struggling To sell out Birmingham Really struggling

Birmingham yeah It really is like You hate her now at this stage Which I understand I get it I get it I get it as well So I will come too

If it sells out Okay I've no problem Buy tickets out of pity Like that doesn't bother me at all Like just once you're in the room I don't care You can patronise me

By buying a ticket Don't even laugh By the way Don't even laugh I'll do a TED talk in Birmingham pity like that doesn't bother me at all like just once you're in the room I don't care yeah you can patronize me by buying a ticket don't even laugh by the way don't even laugh I'll do a TED talk in Birmingham I'll do a TED talk no jokes but but do keep sending your emails into

hello at mtgmpod.com Thank you.