My Therapist Ghosted Me - New Bra, New Flat & New Cards

Episode Date: January 26, 2024

Watch out for scams girls... Joanne has just fallen right into one. On the other hand, Vogue is absolutely thrilled with herself after getting measured for a new bra. If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] review Global's Privacy Policy: global.com/legal/privacy-policy/For merch, tour dates and more visit: www.mytherapistghostedme.com/For more information about Joanne's gigs, visit: www.joannemcnally.comThis episode contains explicit language and adult themes that may not be suitable for all listeners.Thank you!

This is a Global Player original podcast. Hello and welcome to My Therapist Ghosted Me with me, Bo Quilliams and Joanne McGovern. I have to say. You always give out about something. What? Oh no, I've loads to give out about something What? Oh no I've loads to give out about I've turned into a middle aged man

I've turned into an old grumpy man That's what I've turned into A man in his 60s there's nothing worse A man in his 60s That's what I am now A white man in my 60s

That's not what I was going to say What I was going to say was did you see the video that was going around about the Peloton instructor No

Which one? So there was a video going around where this which Peloton I know them all I don't know her name she's one of the American ones she's one of the very

very enthusiastic she's like kind of running it's kind of like she's doing a military they scare me sometimes I stick with Hannah Frankson Hannah Frankson or Cody Rigsby

are two go to's yeah but I actually asked Hannah about it. She's like, look, I only know what you know. What is this? So basically, there was a video going around where she's, you know, they're reading the screens. If you don't know Peloton, it's basically, it's your exercise bike at home, but you tune into these digital classes and your name is on these scoreboards.

And people make up like, you know, kind of spinning for wine and all this kind of jazz. She's looking at this. She's doing her whole up and down, up and down. And it spinning for wine and all this kind of jazz she's looking at the she's doing her whole up and down up and down and there's all this like dance music in the background and then she just goes

no and she's looking at the scoreboard she's like no we do not that what did she call them the commanders in the studios who were obviously

running the screen she's like find out who that person is block them block them take away their subscription she's gone mental, right? What?

Over a name that someone's made up for themselves on the leaderboard. And she's going absolutely berserk. We do not take that here. That disrespect. No. No. Not on my time. No.

How dare you? And I was like, oh my God. What? Do you know what the name was? What? Pedophile. Oh. Oh. Oh, God.

So, file is a Greek term for love of. So, Europhile, people who didn't want Brexit were referred to as Europhile. It's not just for pedos. They don't own file. And peddling is what he's doing. It's actually a really funny, smart... How did he not know? Peddle-phile! Like, it's...

So she got a ban from Bellaton. I don't know what the fallout was. But, like, pedos have obviously ruined phile for everyone. I do get that. But... I don't want to be a phile of any kind. No, indeed.

Well, you're a houth phile, to be fair. I'll be a houth phile. No, I just would rather be just hoth I'm a I'm a pinot file oh Jesus that's a great name for a show

pinot file she is a pinot file that's the next show that's it that's the name pinot file no you can't do you want

people want no no I don't know if people want to go to the show anything I'm telling you anything to do with file is done

file you're right file is out can't even do any filing anymore nothing can be done with files yeah all the nail techs are like what the fuck are we going to do now File is done File you're right File is out Can't even do any filing anymore Nothing can be done with files Yeah All the nail techs are like

What the fuck are we gonna do now Yeah they're fucked actually They were thought about that Can't do anything Do these fingers Jesus We're just gonna scrub Your fingers down

We're just gonna scrub Anyway Pedal file I nearly lost my mind laughing I'm sorry Were you watching Were you cycling with her When that happened

No The video was going around The internet And I obviously went into the comments and someone had figured out that it was Pedophile was the name. I'm not condoning pedophilia, obviously, but come on. Pedophile, like he should be, you know.

I know. I thought it was great. I think he should be writing Hallmark cards. I think. That man should be writing jingles. I know, but it's kind of the case of like, who will get away with what?

A comedian will get away with that, but I guess it's like, I don't know, you have to question why he's calling himself a pedophile. Are you saying that he's trying to come out

as a pedophile? I think that... Live on a Peloton scoreboard. I think that that was the first step. Sorry, who owns those coats over there? I can't take my eyes off them.

Are they both yours? Why do you have two coats? Well... Joe doesn't... I was thinking, does Joe own that really cool leather coat? And then I thought, no he doesn't. You own two coats. I own two coats because... Is one of them my coats? Sadly, yes. Well, it looks lovely

over there. I was hoping you wouldn't recognise that. You've hidden it with the one on top. I like to wear two coats it's winter and one of them happens to be yours Jo throw that

put that down the corner so she'll forget by the end of the podcast why are you looking at it folk I've had it for ages I was actually I was taken but what I did miss it

I just didn't know I didn't know I was taken by the one on top and then I was like oh I know that one underneath that's lovely yeah it's a little River Island number that's nice, isn't it? Yeah.

It's a little River Island number. River Island number, yeah. That's nice. And this piece of shit is yours. I don't want it. Shovel up your arse. You thief. I don't know what she does when she's downstairs.

I don't even know when she is downstairs. She sneaks in and out. Benny and I are afraid to have sex in case she was there. She's got down all these empty hangers and the Vespa is gone. I'm just bombing got down all these empty hammers and the Vespa

is gone I'm just bombing around don't talk to me about that Vespa I can't bear thinking about it why? it lives in the bin store

because I haven't I can't get if anyone can help me we bought it off at a scooter shop and the scooter shop closed down we've lost the logbook

we've never been able to get a taxi it's never been on the road so what do you need? I need a log book if there's any scooter files out there of insane information

about scooters please help us get the scooter back on the road Joanne I just want to ask you something have you noticed anything? this is my shirt

is that what you're going to ask? this is my shirt I paid for this myself I'm going to start pretending things are mine because I actually want that necklace that's my necklace why are you wearing it

I like it it's mine is it your necklace yeah it is yeah no is it really because I don't know where I got it yeah it's mine she's lying isn't she

it's mine yeah she's lying it's mine I wanted to ask you have you noticed anything different about me me can't see em

your tits have gotten smaller quite the opposite quite well the way you were cupping them I was guessing well I've had we were going to do

a bit of tit talk I had the best day of my life yesterday the best single best day of my life I was doing I work with Marks and Spencer

so I was doing an ad where we go in and like I do bra fitting never go and get my boobs fitted because I'm a 34B. That's what I am. That's what every woman is, regardless if she has been measured. Everyone's a 34B. And you just make it work.

Yeah, but I did wonder why my back strap was up near my neck. I was like, surely that's not right because it's not comfortable. And why my bra kept pulling up the whole time. Guess what size my massive tits are i was going to the cami section at one point i've seen you naked so i will i do have some inside information like i have seen them in their raw form somebody walked in on me naked today by the way i was like i'm naked and she just stayed and kept and kept talking to me

I don't think she sounds like I don't like being naked around people that I don't that like I'm not sexually active with yeah

go on so why are you no you have to guess what size I am I don't know is it I mean what are we talking here

a 30D I've never had such big tits in my life and I've never felt such comfort. I have never felt such comfort. Fits perfectly. It's meant to go around there, cup the outside of your tit. And it's meant to fit comfortably on the bra strap.

And the bra strap is meant to sit in your middle back, which I never knew. Is the comfort from a D because there's so much space in them? Joanne, I have never felt such love for bras in my life. I always find them quite uncomfortable and I finally got rid of that bra that I was threatening to throw away for the whole tour. Well, I still have mine. Invo kept threatening to throw these bras away

because the sound guy kept clipping onto our mics onto the back of our bras. And it's only when you realise how disgusting you are. I said to Alan, I was like, I'm going to get some new gym gear. And he goes, I'd start with your bras. and it's only when you realise how disgusting you are so I told Alan I'm going to get some new gym gear and he goes I'd start with your bras excuse me I'm telling you I'm going to treat you to a bra session

thank you I'm sorry now I got measured you can't take it away from me maybe you'll be a G or something you need to go in to Marks and Sparks and get your boobs measured. I couldn't believe it. And I've never, honestly

the comfort. Have you ever seen a better fitting bra? Listen, it's 2023. If you want to identify as someone with a deep bra size, I'm willing to support that. Do I look like Rosie Huntington-Whiteley? Because I'm wearing her bra. Yes. Yes, I do look like her. I thought you were her

when you came in I actually I actually I said who's this big breasted woman coming in here it was actually hard to get through the door

today because they are so large but I I actually cleared out my knicker and bra drawer because I've been threatening to do it and my socks

I've been threatening to do it for such a long time now and I finally did it over the weekend yeah it literally I had to do it in two stages because there was so much but I found shit

I don't know I haven't been wearing it with Spenny but I found the maddest sexy shit like the amount of crotchless bits I had back in the glory days yeah what I kept the crotchless bits obviously the wash ready to go for another round

I threw out the made outfits that's what I'm going to do back bits obviously a little wash ready to go for another round I threw out the made out bits that's what I'm going to do back when I was good crack look at that I found so many lovely little bits I'm like I should start wearing

some of these things instead of that scabby old bra that the lip is just like bent over and it's grey and Fabio can't even bear to look at us

Fabio the sound guy is like girls you haven't changed your bras in a week come on come on I am not do you remember sorry do you remember the first time we met And Fabio can't even bear to look at us. It's Fabio the sound guy. He's like, girls, you haven't changed your bras in a week. Come on. Come on. I am not.

Do you remember the first time we met? Fabio, sorry. He came up to me to put the mic on me. He goes, which one are you? Yeah, Fabio couldn't give a shit. He's like, which one are you? I want to have that said a bit. What size are your boobs?

Well, what I was going to say was, and I don't want to take away from. You've taken it away already, so go on, continue. But when you did say you were a D, when you did say you were a D, me and Jo both looked at each other in amusement. Do you want me to show you?

It's because it's now a 30. Don't forget I was being a 34. It's gone to a 30. So your back has shrank and your tits have gotten bigger. I can't help if I've got large breasts. I can't help it. Well, they do look, in fairness, they do look perkier than usual.

I've never, I just, I've never known a bra to be so comfortable. Honestly, when it's not riding up your back, it's not like going up like halfway up to my nipples. I'm thrilled. Yeah, that's why I've been wearing that sand coloured one for four years now. Sand coloured one, I don't even know if you'd call it sand it's like she put a white bra in with like wine coloured things

you know what I mean if it ain't broke I'm thrilled I would suggest you clear out your drawers because I'm going around in crotchless shit all the time I'm wearing the crotchless

thing right now like I wake up in the morning I'm like where's the bra like where's the one bra that I have where's that bra today actually I found the morning I'm like where's the bra? Like where's the one bra that I have? Where's that bra? Today actually I found another

because I'm finally my stuff is in one place I'm really enjoying my clothes again so I have three bras now Seems like you're enjoying mine too I am too

In fairness Joanne came down with a full box of clothes For you I did For me a full box and then I started going through something

and I'm like are you sure you want to get rid of this she's like well you know I'm just like lending lending it's all of a sudden being lent they all fit

there was my wardrobe from when I was bulimic sadly they no longer fit me so I've had to pass them down to Vogue so when I when I relapse I'll be back down

for that box of clothes Vogue don't get too comfy in those jeans. I'm a mere six stone away from slipping back into those bad points. She's holding up

they're like doll's clothes. Or little like I had these neon shorts and I could see her face kind of dropping like she didn't actually mean to put them in. Are they the studded ones?

They're fab. The studded ones are fab but the neon running shorts are a favourite of mine. I've done well for myself. You certainly, certainly, certainly have.

I'm doing well. It's Benny and I. We are going on tour. Our Irish tour. There's still tickets left For our Dublin dates And I have to say It's a fucking good show

Oh so yeah Basically When this comes out Our tour date Will have gone on sale For the 29th of March Which is a Friday Because we were able

To get the Friday In the Gaiety Theatre Which is a good night To be on So go to Ticketmaster.ie Or you can get them Through our site

spencerandvogue.com I loved the show so much I had a little do you remember I had a little cry I went for lunch somewhere yesterday it was a really nice place

and I went with a couple of friends and it was very nice but like I felt like he kind of was just like I don't know the waiter was a little bit

strange with us strange how so? just like like just kind of was just like I don't know the waiter was a little bit strange for us strange how so? just like like just kind of he was making me a bit anxious he was so like ah ah

ah like trying to get shit done so quickly and I understood but they weren't that busy but I just felt like I felt kind of in the way we all did

and then at the end like we had to go and some people were going back to work and I was like oh can we get do you have a takeaway coffee cup? We're going to grab coffee to go with. And he goes, we are not pret. Oh.

I was like, oh my God. And I was thinking, even Petit Maison, that like, the most delicious restaurant in the whole of London, have takeaway coffee cups. Like, just because you think you're a certain restaurant doesn't mean you can't have a takeaway coffee cup. What a sassy attitude. I felt like trash. That man did not like you. No he didn't like me actually

and I don't know why because I tipped. Tipped, that's the problem. This is the problem. Tipped again. Were you talking again? Were you talking to him? Stupid asshole.

I was talking as well as I was and I asked him about his family. Sometimes you do meet wait, wait like staff in restaurants and you're like, are you okay? Like, what have I,

where is this hostility coming from? I actually had that which was really surprising to me. I had it with a black cab driver. And like, they're always so saying they're my like favorites

and I don't know if they mind you talking to them but sometimes they're very accepting of it. And one guy, like I wasn't even talking, I just hopped in, it was just Ben and I. And I don't know talking I just hopped in it was just Sven and I

and I don't know why he just from the second like and like I was like oh can we get the air the warm air on because it was freezing

it was a really cold day and he didn't put it on and then I was like oh do you mind if we get the air on and he goes it is on and I was like oh it's not on

and then he said something else and I was like are you in bad form and he was like no and I was like okay I nearly but I nearly was going to get out because I was like well you in bad form and he was like no and I was like okay I nearly

but I nearly was going to get out well you did because I was like well you kind of called him on it so fair play yeah I had to

because I was like have I done like I've definitely not done anything wrong here and then and then he was really nice yeah of course because it's like

oh actually I'm taking my mood out on them well I had a guy in Greece this taxi guy who we we didn't get off to a very good start

because em he was one of these like Uber I couldn't find him he couldn't find me oh they get really annoyed it was in Portugal

it was in Portugal yeah and it's all these cobbled one way streets and it was a bit of a nightmare and he was he was proper ratty with me when I got in

and em I was a bit ratty with him because I thought he was being like overly ratty with me but then obviously the reality of our situation, the rating was hanging over both of us. So we began to chat.

And now he still sends me selfies of himself. No, he doesn't. He doesn't. So he found me online. Because the conversation went to such a point where he had all my information at this stage. And then when, so someone messaged me going, to such a point where he had all my information at this stage and then so someone messaged me

going I've just gotten I've just hopped into a taxi in Lisbon and the man found out I was Irish and asked if

I knew you and that he was in love with you stop he fell in love with you maybe he liked your aggressive nature he fell in love with an Irish comedian he had in a car

and he knew my name and he has me on Insta and he sends me little selfies of himself they're just the same just his head just over and over okay Joanne

you show off whatever so abrogado if he's listening abrogado abrogado abrogado abrogado

abrogado bonjour bonjour thank you very much well I've had I've had quite the week I shouldn't laugh but I was so pleased

with the rail that you put up and then when I saw it collapse I was like oh put up a rail why would why would you not just

get a freestanding rail I know and of course I hung everything on it and I don't know why I honestly I don't know why I honestly I don't know why I thought I had the strength

of a Bulgarian weightlifter but I put every fucking stud and diamante object on it and of course the thing collapsed out of the wall

and all the wall is now on the ground so I have left that I've let that be I've just said I just want to go into that room I couldn't believe I rang her you're saying she had

three handymen over doing bits for her I couldn't believe it I did indeed so I got their number obviously I've just said, I just want to go into that room. I couldn't believe I rang her. She had three handymen over doing bits for her. I couldn't believe it. I did indeed. So I got their number. Obviously, I've always bits to be done around my place. I sent the photo to the handyman and I was like, uh-oh. He's like, oh, for fuck's sake. So he's got to go back and fix that.

You'll have to pay for that now and then. I don't know. I'm having quite the... I love being in that flat. I'm so happy in that flat. I'm buzzing being in that flat. I did lock myself in that flat. I'm buzzing being in that flat. I did lock myself in this morning. I rang Vogue.

I said, I'm after locking myself into the flat. I said, I can't get out because I'm very aware. Because like, no offense to anybody. And please don't take offense. But I've had a lot of male kind of men in my flat of late. Delivering things, you know delivery like fixing things and it's clear

I live alone and I'm like I need to kind of be aware of you know you need to always be like I'd be very aware and I just have my highlights done

you know she looks great I look fucking great at the moment okay I look some of them one of them's gonna try and come back in

so anyway so I'm triple I'm triple lock on my door anyway this morning I honestly just. So anyway, so I've triple locked my door. Anyway, this morning, I honestly just couldn't get out. So I rang Vogue. I was like, you're going to have to fucking come up. And I'm going to throw you the keys. But I managed to break out of my own flat.

But what's the heating situation that you remember me about? Oh, my God. Is it cold? I wouldn't like to be cold. Well, OK, so I couldn't figure out. The floor in the toilet is roasting. But the rest of the house is freezing cold. So a very lovely woman came to the house

and she's like so what's the thermostat at and I was like the what the thermostat oh I don't know I haven't seen that

so the I won't bore you I sound like a privileged bitch turns out there's underfloor heating in the toilet and that's I thought the thermostat

was just heating the toilet floor so I was like I'm just going to have to and I can't use the that's I thought the thermostat was just heating the toilet floor so I was like I'm just going to have to and I can't use the cookers I'm going to have to just fucking cook everything on the floor in here

and sleep on the toilet floor it's the only part of the whole flat I'm going to have to iron my clothes on this as well because I've got someone's soul in my heart anyway

she was like show me your boiler so I opened with great pride because we realised the immersion was not like the thermostat was completely down to zero so turned that up and she was showing me the boiler and I opened with great pride because we realised the immersion was not like the thermostat was completely down to zero

so turned that up and she was showing me the boiler and I opened it and I said I can't fucking there's nothing on it she's like Joanne that's the water tank I said okay I give up

I don't fucking know I don't know anything about it but anyway so anyway this very very capable woman fixed my boiler for me so now the whole place is roasting

I say she just turned it on Joanne the toilet floor is freezing I could have she just turned it on, Joanne. The toilet floor is freezing. What? I could have gone down and done that stuff for you. Well, you didn't. Well, I wasn't.

I'm not invited yet. I tried to get an odd to the apartment. She's like, no, it's not ready for visitors. It's not ready. It's not ready for visitors yet.

Oh, wait. When your cage comes, I come. A hundred percent. Yeah. Joanne. Best. Probably the best line she's ever said

in her life to me we were meant to meet up and do something with other people that were involved we weren't me and Vogue arranged to go on a walk

and she said 10.15 tomorrow morning and I said Vogue I'm not going to be awake then she goes okay well you're going to miss the walk then I said the walk

that we have arranged to do together are you going to power around on your own how can you uninvite going to miss the walk then. I said, the walk that we have arranged to do together, are you going to power around on your own? How can you uninvite me to my own walk? Like, what? Anyway, she said she wasn't going to be upset.

She starts texting me at half seven the next morning. I'm like, great, Joanne can come on the walk. And she just writes back, no, don't tell anyone else I'm awake. I said, psst. I said, come here, I'm awake. Just don't tell anyone, yeah? And then she still arrived an hour late to my house.

I'm running a home now, Vogue. I'm flat out. I know how you my house I'm running a home now Vogue I'm flat out I know I'm running a home okay I am washing and cooking and drying and I'm doing everything up there

I'm running that whole flat now and I tell you it really it takes a lot of time I'm used to things just going away like the bins the bins are gone

oh my god you have to take your own the fridge is replenished how did that happen that world that luxury is gone now this is going to be the making of you

yes but it does take me four hours to do one single easy job I'm assuming I'll speed up with time but at the moment

I'm running a home you are running a home you're doing I can't wait to see your home when I do get invited yeah you'll get invited when it looks like a home which is when wait to see your home when I do get invited yeah you'll get invited when it looks like

a home which is when you've already got art up and everything it's nearly there there's some delays well there's not any delays let's be honest

let's put it tell it how it is you just ordered stuff way too late well I didn't understand I don't know I didn't realise that

cages were handmade and took 15 years to come I didn't understand that I don't know. I didn't realize that couches were handmade and took 15 years to come. I did not. I didn't understand that. I should have just fucking gone to Curry's or whatever.

Ikea. I was trying to be bougie. I don't think Curry's even have couches. No. But more on my decor journey. So there's a lot of buying

going on at the moment. Obviously, because I don't have anything I don't own anything so my mum sends me a link to a Zara home sale oh I love Zara home and I open it

and when I say so we're talking 15 pound smeg toasters 15 pound smeg kettles 15 pound Le Creuset pans 20 pound Le Creuset pans, 20 pound Le Creuset pots.

To say my cart overfloweth. I was buying multiples of everything because I was like, I'll give them as housewarming presents. Honestly, I'd like 90.

This is such a good deal. I better suck up. I was frothing with the excitement of what was happening to me. I was putting in bath towels, like unbelievable stuff.

I was like, how have they not run out? And then it wouldn't take my card details. And Alan was calling me and I was putting in bath towels, like unbelievable stuff. I was like, how have they not run out? And then it wouldn't take my card details. And Alan was calling me and I was cancelling the call. I was like, Alan, fuck's sake, I've got a 15 pound LaCruz a pan here. I need to get it across the line

in the next three minutes or my card's going to expire. This card doesn't work. Do you have another one? Yes, I do, Zara. What do you want? My eye band? My blood type?

What do I need to do to get this deal across the line why would Smeg be on Zara did you ask yourself that ever it wasn't a time for questions it was it was it was a time for

deals and bargains it was it was it was a time for urgent action okay questions were not being asked so anyway

I have all this shit that card doesn't work would you do you have another card yes I do yes I do for you smeg for you la cruzay for a 15 pound la cruzay pan i don't even cook i fucking give you an organ for one of those and then i'd sell them if things didn't work out for me i could just sell all this shit out of

it and i just set up a stall and clap them common for you imagine i'd make a fortune there's certain things that will never go on sale that much and Le Creuset and Smeg are one of them. Three cards down. I was like, hmm. Three? Oh yeah, this card doesn't work. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh yeah.

How much did you get scammed? I was out of control. How much did you get scammed? I was like, here's my mother's maiden name. Here's all my lock and details. Oh God. Do you know what?

Do you know the balls of, have you ever had the balls of thinking you're getting a Smeg toaster for 15 pounds? It's 150 pounds lock and details. Oh God. Do you know the buzz? Have you ever had the buzz of thinking you're getting a smag toaster for £15? It's £150. You're making me scared now because I've put in multiple cards on a few things but they seem reputable. Anyway, we'll just skip a few.

Things were looking a little suspicious. Anyway, turns out it is, of course, a scam. No, that's not great. So I rang my mother and I said, you're to blame for all of this. I said, you're luckier in Ireland. And she goes, oh my God, love. Oh, jeez, I'm so ashamed.

Did your mom buy anything? No, but she just sent the link to me. Because she got it on TikTok. Because I'm so ashamed of myself. She got it on TikTok because I'm so ashamed of myself on TikTok what the fuck I know for her saying

because I was kind of annoyed but I mean it's completely my own fault but when she said she was so ashamed of herself

I was like it's grand like it's grand obviously you have to cut up all my bank cards don't worry about it but they didn't steal any money

they just no they didn't because I didn't they didn't have a chance but you know what they did send me which I thought was a bit cheeky then email a couple hours later

going hey have you forgotten about these things in your basket oh stop are you sure you don't want to check these out did you get rid of a fourth card then

so I'm like fuck I'll miss the deal I was like guys can I just send you the cash would that be easier but anyway so I was obviously bitching, can I just send you the cash? Would that be easier? But anyway, so I was obviously bitching about it on Insta

and put people, so it looked really legit, you know, because Zara Home do sell smeg stuff because then I went on, they do, yeah, because,

but when I rang the bank evening or one and the fraud thing was like, she was real nice, she was like, 15 pounds for a smeg toaster. If it seems too good to be true. And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's too good to be true. She's like, have pounds for a smagged house. If it seems too good to be true.

And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's too good to be true. She's like, have you looked on eBay? I'd say you get a good bargain on there. So I was talking about it. I was bitching about it online. And people sent me in. I was told that they got scammed by.

So now I think everything's a scam. And there's this, I think I owe. You have to be so careful. I know. There's one gone around where it's like, oh, this, I think I owe, you have to be so careful. I know. There's one gone around where it's like, oh mom, I've lost my phone.

Can you send me some money? Because there's a debt collector onto me and I'm like, I don't believe you. A debt collector? I owe 50 grand for something. I don't know.

I'm like, no, I don't believe anyone now. Good luck. I've got four locks on my door. Goodbye. You're not getting in here four locks on my door. Goodbye. You're not getting in here. You're not coming near me.

The house was so cold. It was the first time in my life I had nipples. Oh. That was the only upside. I have huge nipples on my huge boobs. Yeah. Yep. That was the only upside.

I have huge nipples on my huge boobs. Yeah. Yep. So people were sending me stories about times that they had been scammed. Okay, go. Don't feel too bad, Joanne. I bought a pair of RRP $400 RM Williams boots for $100 online

and got a tea towel from China. I was the face of ORM Williams when I lived in Australia what are they? it's a it's a brand it's an Aussie brand

but they do like amazing boots amazing belts like kind of old school-y Australian gear yeah that's so weird

she said the tea towel ripped when I dried a glass yep I did the same literally got the card that day after losing my phone and having to cancel the card.

I filled in a form for a Lego set for my kids. Who in their right mind would sell the Star Wars Millennium Falcon for £12? I knew... She goes, I knew it was fake but I had to do it anyway just in case. I did the same for a cat, kids and large four wheel

hard suitcase reduced to 20 euro four days before Christmas had no car details till New Year's Eve dose I did the same with the dodgy

Vija site didn't cop even when I got an extra 30% off at the checkout they really do you I got it done for 21 euro

or like highly bag I was so excited marvelling at myself at getting in there before they all sell Marvelling at myself I was the same I was like

look at me go I'm going to make a fortune selling Le Creuset pants on the black market I am so happy you didn't send that to me I love Le Creuset but I wouldn't spend

the money I'm still waiting on my 65 pound hot tub instead I got a 15 pound blow up kayak So happy you didn't send that to me. I love Le Creuset, but I wouldn't spend the money. I'm still waiting on my £65 hot tub. Instead, I got a £15 blow-up kayak. At least you got something. As an additional offer. I did receive some fake Ray-Bans that I didn't order. Maybe I should be grateful.

I paid £68 for two pairs of Vias. What are Vias? Vias. You know those runners with the V at the side? I think two pairs of Vias. What are Vias? Vias. You know those runners with the V at the side? I think they're called Via. Oh. Worth over 200 quid.

The feckers had the audacity to send me a confirmation email and a tracking number. Someone else was saying she did it the same. She sent, oh yeah, did the same to all my mates

before Christmas to get a free M&S meal for two everyone everyone in my social circle had to change their login details we didn't even get a profiterole

oh god it's good to know I'm amongst company everyone though it's the thrill of getting a really good deal like that you're like

oh my god I'll buy that I know so I was online the other day and you know that i'm obsessed with ghosts and stuff um yes there was a video i think i sent it to you i did send it to you the tesla video yes oh don't say that that's not scary to you well it i mean it's obviously not real it is real joanne so this man brought his man brought his Tesla, which is a car, he brought it to a graveyard. And the Tesla can see if there's people walking along the street beside you, it shows it up on the screen. And so he brought the car to a graveyard and there was people walking on the screen.

But you couldn't see them in real life. I mean, ghosts. It's spooky. It is spooky. I was petrified. I was just so grateful I'd seen it in real life. I mean, ghosts. It's spooky. It is spooky. I was petrified. I was just so grateful I'd seen it in the morning and not in the night time when I was trying to go to sleep. So are you saying that the Tesla

picked up bodies of ghosts? Stopped because they kind of read a cell or a person there. But in fact, it was a ghost. Yeah. And don't say you weren't frightened when you saw that video. You were frightened do you know what I always think about

situations like that if if if I die yeah don't fucking come near me I'm not interested I don't want that

don't do it that's mean ooh Vogue no Joanne no I told you I'm not up for this I just know

it's something you do to me I'd be trying to it would like when you rang me on Christmas day that time I would I would go straight to you and the second I crawl

back out of the ground I'd go straight to you I would in all your clothes you'd probably get me in the church she hasn't even left the church

because I I think it's important to believe in things so I that's why I I encourage your creativity and I think

I think it's fun for you to believe in ghosts so I'm not going to say anything about the fact that they definitely do not exist I did a ghost hunting show that we never really spoke about

but I actually did a ghost hunting show oh yeah and I used about but I actually did a ghost hunting show oh yeah and I used to shit myself so bad when I'd go back to the hotel room at night I'd have to leave the light on

and I'd sit I wouldn't put my earplugs in and I just couldn't sleep and then I said I was like because I had to do 10 episodes I was like I'm never doing this again

I was exhausted I didn't sleep at all so I'd have to go I'd finish at like 2 in the morning and I'd lie there until 6 and I'd be like

I hate this I hate it I think it's really fun that you believe in like, I hate this, I hate it. I think it's really fun that you believe in ghosts. So I'm not going to, I'm not going to say anything about it. Okay, well, when you are a ghost,

I'm going to say, I told you so. Psych. Yeah. I'll come back, you'll be like, who's laughing now, Joanne?

You'll be like, well, well, well, what do we have here? A dead Joanne. What did I tell you? I warned you. I tell you I warned you I warned you will you tan me in the bed

before I go will you tan me in the mortuary I wouldn't even dream of letting you go down the bronze of course whip a bit of tan on me of course I will

oh my god I watched a really good film last night what called The Kitchen on Netflix ooh I'm gonna tell us about it it's kind of sci-fi

it's no I was about to tell a story about that it's kind of sci-fi it's no I was about to text them does he not like sci-fi no he does I don't oh I love sci-fi I'm sorry

sorry yeah you're slagging me about ghosts and you're about to go on about sci-fi what what what about sci-fi

but sci-fi's real like which part like this science bit not no no science it's science but also fiction so it's like it's saying that it's fake science okay if I was real like which part like this science bit not no no science it's science

but also fiction so it's like it's saying that it's fake science okay so aliens you believe in aliens but not ghosts well I don't know

if I believe I don't know I don't believe in the classic alien model of like a little saucer and a guy with a huge head

but I don't believe we are alone in the universe no we couldn't be alone no we're not alone E.T. we're not alone yeah I mean I don't believe we are alone in the universe. No, we couldn't be alone. No, we're not alone. E.T. We're not alone.

Yeah. I mean, I don't believe there's gremlins getting cycled around in kids' baskets. It absolutely fascinates me that she's here chatting about aliens and she will not have it about ghosts. No, but I mean, aliens are like, they're kind of proven that like now it's kind of coming to a point where they're even the governments are kind of saying you know it's not that it used to be kind of like a conspiracy theory I think people are kind of saying well we kind of we kind of keep finding

bits of alien around the place and all nice I don't believe in that Area 51 though like why would they just be but why would they just be keeping bits of aliens

why can't we know about the aliens because we weren't ready but now we are so who's decided we're ready? I'm not ready. I don't want to know about it. I don't want to know.

Wait until I'm gone. I answered for both of us. I said me and Vogue were both ready when they asked. When America rang and said, are you girls ready for this? I said, well, I certainly am. And don't bother contacting Vogue because she is too. I was telling you now. Because I know she's mad for this.

We are ready we will collab with Mars I'll be married to an alien in the next five years a hundred percent Svenny and I have nearly been together seven years that's not that long

I would have thought it was crazy that's my longest relationship ever and it's making me as soon as he said that I was like oh I feel uneasy now don't say that to me again

don't say that seven years you've really you've covered a lot in've really you've covered a lot in seven years we've covered a lot remember we were having a very intelligent

discussion about leap years yeah basically neither of us have a clue what they are I do because like

Christmas wouldn't fall on the same day tell me I'm going to hear you again because I have had some scientific someone has emailed in oh really okay

yeah and you were the one who was more stupid than I was about leaf ears was I not talking about I was saying it had to match the sun and the stars

or something wasn't I yeah something like that talking trash I said Newground I said Stonehenge I threw some things around I was anyway

Egypt Egypt pretty sure this is something to do with Tutankhamun I mean Sacrifice the lambs You know there's like entire civilisations Anyway we'll talk about that

another time Dear Vogue and Joanne Absolutely love the pot Hate to rain on your parade But on the 10th of February 26 days after Blue Monday The sun will not set at 7pm Did we say it would?

I did. I kind of made that up. Well I didn't make it up. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it was March. It will set at 5.05pm in London and 5.25pm

in Dublin if you want some extra daylight. On the 31st of March the clocks will go forward and the sun will set at 7.34pm. That's it. You see I knew

it was the end of the month of Sun Month. I just thought it was February not March a ghost spinning the sun around okay why did your alien friends come into this

you'll need to wait an extra few weeks love Maria thank you very much Maria thanks Maria my middle name is Maria so I had of course moved on completely

from that conversation I don't even remember what my angle was on the fear I'm guessing I said something about the stars I don't remember do you know that Dyson

have baby hoovers yeah did you know that they don't work is that such a waste of a baby hoover so you know that babies love hoovering

no they're for yeah I was one of my 12 godchildren she was pushing this little Dyson hoover around the kitchen

and I was like that's great get a bit of work done like you know and she goes no no no it doesn't actually work I was like that is ridiculous Dyson if you're going to you know and she goes no no no it doesn't actually work I was like

that is ridiculous Tyson if you're going to make if a child's going to be hoovering all day I don't think you'll be able to drag a hoover around with them but it's the same

vacuum if you're going to be dragging it around all day you might as well take up some shit do you know what I mean that's what I'd want a bit of baby iron

that works a baby iron yeah just give the baby an iron that's a great idea actually yeah iron mummy's jumpsuit mummy's busy

I just think I just saw what a wasted opportunity and I love Dyson but but Dyson you've done you've done her dirty you've done a child

a good job there now when you were talking about your temperature in your house like you have a Dyson that's a fan and a heater I know

and my god I've been hugging that thing clap and comment the lake's all frozen over and everything no it's not that cold anymore I don't think I correct you that's a fan and a heater. I know. And my God, I've been hugging that thing. Clap and common, the lake's all frozen over and everything. No, it's not that cold anymore, I don't think. I correct you,

when I was out running, my hands were free because of my harness. The harness, by the way. She showed me a picture of the harness and like, it's actually worse

than I imagined it would be. It's not even like, it's not even a fancy running harness. It's really the most basic one you can get and it looks huge. There's no, it's not a point, it's not a a fancy running harness it's really the most basic one you can get and it looks huge there's no it's not a point it's not a fashion piece

though it's a functional running till okay that's what it is I have been running with you as well it's not a run

really it's a prance it's a prance and stuff it's a prance but I feel like with my harness I get more respect because everyone in Clapham Common is always running around and I prancing stop I feel like with my harness I get more respect

because everyone in Clapham Collins is always running around and I look at them and I put on my harness and I fit in and they don't go you're new here they go oh she's got a harness

she obviously knows what she's doing okay if that's how you feel about the harness that's fine my hands are free I'm not running in with you with the harness so I'm not doing it

I'm reading doing it. I'm reading Dr. Marie Cassidy's book at the moment, The State Pathologist in Ireland. Can I have that book after you? Of course you can. I love death. I can't believe she found a death book that I haven't read. Even for me now, and I'm a bit like macabre.

That's a day book for me. I have night books and I have day books. Yeah. There's day books and there's night books. There's day books and night books. Did you see that boss who has decided that people can have masturbation breaks

and work oh no yeah Erica Lust the boss of an adult film company I was hoping you were going to say it was Joe

it's going to be I bet you Joe's wanked in the office 100% Joe you've wanked in here of course you're going to say no I know somebody else

who works in here who's admitted to wanking in here. Not Spencer. Again, not Spencer. A 30 minute masturbation break. Well, it does clear the mind. It absolutely does. It's very important.

Jo, excuse me. I'm going. I'm leaving now. I'm going for my masturbation break. This sounds very Silicon Valley, Facebook, Google vibes.

This is like Google, Facebook will definitely have it but this is an adult film company. Oh well then, that kind of. I think if you're watching that much porn you're going to have to go like. I would say if you're watching that much porn

you just get so used to it. I just thought I'm sorry before we go have you seen JLo's glasses? I don't JLo, seriously. She looks like a woodlice. She did look like a woodlice. Is it woodlice. She did look like a woodlice. She looked like a woodlice. Is it woodlouse or woodlice? A woodlice.

A woodlice? A woodlice. A woodlice. The singular. A woodlice. She does. She does. And you know what else she looks like?

Someone said, and I was like, you're so right. Do you know when occasionally people realise how ugly aunts are when you zoom in on their faces? Yes. Those glasses,

they're like an aunt's face. And she's gorgeous. We love her but there's like they're really imagine being Ben Affleck and you walk out and your wife's wearing them

you're just like come on weird weird choice you can't talk though because he's got that tattoo so they're probably just like she's like well listen I'm having the glasses

because like go and look at your back in the mirror yeah she's like these come off yeah we're stuck with that you idiot

is it a snake or something he has a weird dragon or something anyway I just couldn't get my hands on it. Why is she dressed like that? I know. It's like sometimes,

it's like she's just so gorgeous that she's like, today I'm going to be ugly. Yeah, she's like, today I'm going to go out looking like an insect. Yeah. I didn't like it either.

And by the way, I actually got loads of comments on, I put the video up about the salmon jizz and people said it has amazing properties. Oh, Ewan was on to me about this so he was like

I must have said in the podcast I honestly don't really think an aesthetics doctor is wanking off a fish and then putting it into a sandwich Ewan wanks salmons off

I've seen it but he was saying I was like well Ewan if you dressed a bit sexier maybe the sandwich would finish itself off and you wouldn't have to

work so hard that is very true but anyway it's the polynucleides poly it's I got the polynucleides yeah I've had them as well so I've already got it in me

yeah oh god it's just a fancy way of saying yeah yeah yeah oh my god did I tell you I'm going to see you too

in Las Vegas well you might as well you're there I'm in America anyway are you gonna are you gonna meet Bono I don't think so watch Bono and the Edge

on oh what's the talk show Larry something Larry King Larry King oh my god singing the best song ever you have to

you know it's so funny Bono like is from down the road from where we live at home Bono's amazing so if he's flying home Bono's from the north side is he not from the north side

he lives in Killiney okay but he's from the north side I'm gonna be like Bono are you flying back tonight can I get a lift drop me at my mum's but the reason I got I'm gonna be in America anyway so we said let's get it a lift drop me at my mum's but the reason I got I'm going to be in America anyway

so we said let's get it done we're now trying to get tickets to Adele I said leave this with me I will pull every single string I have to try and get us into Adele

I asked one person if he says no I'll probably give up why is it that hard to do Adele yes really she's just totally sold out

she is amazing she's amazing it's all sold out I always think she seems like good crack as well I'd like to hang out with her. I think she seems like good crack. Anyway, that's a pipe dream.

But I have shows in Chicago, Philadelphia, Washington DC, not Washington State. I've been told there's two of them. And then San Francisco and... LA. LA. Between February and March and all the tickets are on

GeronimoMcNally.com Come, come, come come come come go on so my app Flexi will have launched by the time this podcast comes out

it's going to be on the app store it's the Flexi Fit app and you'll get all your workout needs myself and John John and Ada are on it we've got Pilates on it

we've got barre on it we've got yoga on it we've got nutritional stuff on it and it's basically everything that you need to work out. You can do it at home. If you don't have equipment, it doesn't matter. There's just something for everyone.

We've been working on it for... Something for everyone. Yeah, we've been working on it for like a year and a half. I'm going to get you into it. Is there a 15 pound Smag Toaster available? There is. It's full of Le Creuset Smag Toasters. If you pop on there, put your details in.

Put all your bank details in. Go for the year and enjoy yourself enjoy your new workout life I am gonna I'll give you would I be able to do that? yeah of course I will give you

do you know what I am gonna give both of you a free code no I didn't mean for free I mean am I able? yeah of course you are it's for every fitness level every fitness level

I'm gonna come in next time I come in here I'm gonna get you a couple of weights you can get a couple of light dumbbells and some resistance bands and you're in put us to work though

put us to work you won't even recognise these two bastards the next time you see them but you don't see them anyway so we don't yet thanks so much for listening

and we'll chat to you again next week you