My Therapist Ghosted Me - Nightmare Flight, Deck Chair Dress & A New Head

Episode Date: June 25, 2021

It's time for us to find out more about those sandals, right? All in good time! First, discover why Joanne's (return) flight was such an ordeal and what happened when Vogue got a taste of her own medicine with some online fashion slams. Subscribe, enjoy and leave a review!If you'd like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.com

Welcome to My Therapist Goated Me with me, Vogue Williams, and back in the same room at last, it's Joanne McNally. It's the podcast that works on the basis of speaking openly and honestly, knowing that if you even think about lying, you'll be exposed and embarrassed. So it's not even worth it. No, don't think about it. I'm a terrible liar. Terrible liar. On this week's episode

we have Space Gin, Vogue pillaging a deck chair and Dead Dads. Okay, Joanne, tell me about your week. So, I had... What did I do this week? Oh yeah, so basically,

oh yeah, I had some flight drama. And you love a flight. Do you know why I love a flight? Why? Because I love a day gin in the sky. Yeah, I know you do. I love a gin in the sky. And you're so easy to please.

A space gin. That's what I call it. Because you get more drunk. No, it's just the thrill of drinking in the sky. Like, what's not to love by drinking in the sky? Basically, I went up to do Richard Osman's game show, House of Games. Is he really tall in real life? Huge.

6'7 whoa does he do pointless as well yes I have met him lovely man so I'm just going to

throw this in there yeah I won pointless well I'm not did you yeah with Mrs Doyle Pauline McGlynn yeah go on

yeah I won I have the trophy in my living room I'll show you on Friday when we're having our wild night I love Pauline McGlynn so much. She was really nice, actually.

I have to say. So went up, filmed that, flew up to Glasgow. And because what they do, what I've realised, the more of these kind of shows I do, is that production companies, when you're,

and I say it in inverted commas, booked as, you know, on these celebrity shows, they treat celebrities like children who can't walk. Yeah, they do. You're literally, if you're like,

I want to go downstairs to the kitchen, they're like, hold on, we'll get a car. Yeah, yeah. It's unbelievable. Like, you are pampered to fuck, right? So, like, literally, a driver came in

and picked me out of my bed, put me in the back of this black car, drove me to the airport. I was flown business class up. Business class at Glasgow? Well, British Airways. There was a curtain there.

But I saw you posting about it and you looked like you're having fun maybe that was on one leg so one leg of the flight so there's this little curtain which makes me laugh so much because there's four seats

in business class and then there's like I've really at this stage I'm really invested in business class so I'm like oh look at the plebs

down the back so I'm there coming up with my space jeans and there's these and there's this little just little curtain like that's it and it doesn't cover the seats

it just covers the aisle like we're going to be I don't know snorting coke off lobster claws up the top in business class at like three in the day did you not? we insisted on our privacy

in business class it was just me and one other man who was just she was like will you have another drink will you have another drink and I was like I'm going to fucking

three space gins but the thrill of it is that they come out in these teeny tiny bottles who is just, she was like, will you have another drink? Will you have another drink? I was like, I'm going to fucking, three space gins. But the thrill of it is that they come out in these teeny tiny bottles, like little babies. And I was like, do you know what? I'd love to start a business.

I'd love, and you can invest in this, Vogue. No, you keep coming up with crap. Go on, what is it? It was canned wine last week. Canned wine already exists. Yeah. My fridge is now full of it

because I posted it on Instagram. The girls are like, you can get some of this fucking canned wine in canned wine. I'm like, no, I need it there for emergencies. Grabbing a can as I go to the gym. Anyway. So what I would think would be a great business idea is like because the small little gin bottle, the small little bottles of alcohol are so exciting to be around that instead at Christmas time, you only get like a box of Quality Street. What about a box of booze? And it's only get like a box of quality street. What about a box of booze?

And it's just a box of little bottles of booze. Okay, I'm going to get you some of that stuff for Christmas. How do you get, where do you get the little bottles?

You can only get them on a plane. No, you can get them in Tesco I think. You can get them in like supermarkets. I don't think you can. I think you can.

I've seen them. I've seen them in all those little corner shops that we have over here. They defo have minis. Do they? Yeah, you can collect them. I'd love one and all those little corner shops that we have over here. They defo have minis. Do they? Yeah, you can collect them.

I'd love one and it's full of minis and then everyone would be, I would think like the book fast would be like the coconut and you'd be like, who the fuck left all the book fast in the bottom

and all the gin would be taken out first and you'd be like, who left all the empty bottles in? I was just, it just occurred to me when I was coming up with my third space gin.

I was like, what time were you flying at to have these gins? 9am. Would you honestly? No, you didn't. Is that what time you you flying at to have these gins? 9am. Would you honestly, no you didn't. Is that what time you, you won't?

No, it was, it was a 2pm flight. Would you have them at 9am? No! I honestly wouldn't. Although I am a big, I am a big believer in

when you're in the sky, the same rules don't apply. It's a very guilt free space where, it's the only socially acceptable place where you can start drinking at 9am. I've only got drunk on a plane once ever. Oh God, why are you so boring? I know!

I just don't want to wait. I don't want to arrive at a hangover. I want to arrive alive! So anyway, that was my flight up and it was an absolute delight, right? Yeah. And I got used to living my high life and I was a VIP, VIPleb, loving it behind my curtain. And then on the flight and the way back,

I couldn't understand why Glasgow Airport was so busy. It was just full of these, yeah, Jo's realised what's about to happen here. Oh, no. To say, to say it was the opposite of the flight on the way up. I've never felt so much rage. Okay, so basically, what I didn't realise was it was the England-Scotland football match.

So all the Glaswegian lads were getting on the plane in this big... It's like, do you know those tribes of men who like, they basically check in at airport and check in their sense of self

or individuality and they become this singing gaggle of melters. How unlucky. Oh my God. And they're was like, where's the curtain? Where's the curtain?

No fucking curtain on this flight. I was one of the plebs. I was knee deep in with the plebs. I was back being a pleb myself. They didn't business you home. I don't think there was

business on that flight. Oh no. There was nothing on that flight I can fucking tell you. What time was that at? Oh no. Eight o'clock. They were all locked.

Oh God. So we're flying back? Oh no. Eight o'clock, so they're all locked. Oh God. So we're flying back, this chanting starts, like, okay, firstly, we know, because I have no vision,

my ears are extremely gifted, right? I've basically got 20-20 hearing, so I can hear everything, I can hear thoughts, I can hear everything. So when they're chanting,

it feels like listening to nails being dragged down a chalkboard. Not only that, do you know what their football song is? No, I don't. I'll tell you. Go on. It's Yes Sir, I Like to Boogie. Yes Sir, I like to boogie. It was unbelievable. Then they obviously got sick of singing that. They started singing Vindaloo, which I was completely confused by

because that's an English song. I thought that was an English one, yeah. Then they started singing Auld Lang Syne. Oh, that's a nice song. I was like, are you that shit face you think we've flown into New Year's Eve 2022? New Year's Eve, Auld Lang Syne. Then they started singing Oh Lord, Hear My Prayer.

Oh no. I was like, are we crashing? I fucking hope we are. I tell you, that plane could have done with the hijacking and I would have gone down with it. I would have taken the hit.

I was literally trying to take my phone off airplane mode Did you have any gins? Why did you have gins? Then, if it wasn't, I'm so glad you asked folk, if that wasn't bad enough, the poor air stewardess

who were like having an absolute nightmare with these lads and in fairness to them, they weren't aggro they weren't they were just not the scots

the scots they're sound we can't take it away from them they're just really really annoying anyway your one's coming around with this trolley of terror because like she's trying to get through

all these Scottish lads because obviously they're all pissed out of their face so all they want to do is piss so the queue to the toilet is out of control she's trying to get everyone to do socially distancing

it's a nightmare anyway she's like will you have a drink and I was like oh fuck I'll have the trolley love yeah out of control. She's trying to get everyone to do socially distancing. It's a nightmare. Anyway, she's like, will you have a drink? And I was like, oh, I'll have the trolley, love.

Yeah. I said, I'll have a drink. I'll have a gin and tonic. And she's like, we've no ice. Oh, no. To say it was a hot gin,

having me gone, it was like an alcoholic cup of soup. She might as well have just put a lime wedge in. It was like gin ramen it was absolutely disgusting I was like

this is gross you could have cooked pasta in it I think I burnt my fingerprints off held it and she's like we've no ice

do you still want it and they're like vindaloo I was like yeah I had so I had three piping hot gins oh god

how can you do it yourself it was awful it was horrific I was trying to yeah, I had three piping hot gins. Oh, God, how can you do it yourself? It was awful. It was horrific. I was trying to knock myself out. There's nothing worse than a bad fight. There just isn't. I remember this is the worst thing that probably ever happened to me on a flight. So I was flying. So I was in Aberdeen at the time and we used to go wild all the time. We had a great time and I stayed up and my flight was at like seven in the morning. So I had not slept. I had to go to flight was at like seven in the morning so I had not slept I had to go to the airport

at like five it was hideous I was I think I was like twenty or something and my stepdad was collecting me and so I I was in the airport

just so drunk it was just so awful I remember I put down a glass of wine when I was leaving the house Joanne you know me I don't even drink wine that's how awful it was

and I got to the airport and I brought my laptop to watch a movie on the plane. I don't know what I was thinking. So I'm on my way to Spain, hopped on the flight and I got on the plane and the woman said,

where are you going? And I was like, I'm going to Malaga. She was like, this flight is going to Amsterdam. And I'm standing on the plane stinking of booze just like with my laptop

like, oh. And then anyway I got off the plane they brought me back to them I'm a huge security brief but it was back in the day when you could do anything yeah you could do anything

and got my flight to Malaga opened up my laptop and I brought Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas was the movie the DVD movie I'd brought for my laptop and I just like

I hated myself so bad and then and then I went and my stepdad was picking me up and he was picking me up in Tino's car, his friend Tino. And it was a two-seater car.

So I had to sit on my stepdad's lap from Malaga for the 45-minute drive to their house. And I thought, my life is never going to get better. Hold on, who was in the other seat? Tino, he owned the car. It was the worst day of my life I will never stay up till 5 in the morning again oh there's nothing worse

at the time you're like this is a great idea do you know so a friend of mine Jamie is a pilot for Ryanair which is so funny

because sometimes he'll ask me are you coming back from London like as in are you offering me a lift and one time I was queuing

to get into the plane and he was like he texted me going look up and he was waving out of the window oh Ryanair don't start

he used to pay for all his own food Ryanair are the worst to be honest we give out our Ryanair but I also like being able to fly to Cairo for a pound

no and they're great for that in fairness where are those earrings from they're great for that in fairness. Where are those earrings from? They're yours. Are they? Oh my god I love

them. I forget I have things so now you've given them new life. Yeah. I won't just put them, cast them

aside I'll wear them. That is so funny. Thank you. You'll be like I love that baby where'd you get it? I'm like, it's yours! You know the way, what's her name? Bella Hadid. Yes, yes, and Kendall.

Do you know why they have that eyebrow lift? Supposedly it's filler in the temple. Bullshit. How does that not go into your brain? Bullshit. My new best friend, Dr. Ewan from the Lovely Clinic. Excuse me? Dr. Ewan from the lovely clinic. Excuse me? Dr. Ewan from the lovely clinic. No, Sarah Tonks in the lovely clinic.

Sarah was away. I got Dr. Ewan. Oh my God, I'm going to hit Sarah up soon. She does this skin tightening thing. Did she do that for you? No, because I visited Dr. Ewan who's training to be

a brain surgeon. He's my new best friend. And we spoke about that Hadid look and he said it's 100% surgery it's a brow lift what?

100% okay well that's it the filler's going down the drain 100% do you know what I was thinking the other day so I was in therapy

getting my laser done on my finula we'll call it yeah and like all the stuff that we have sorry that's the noise of a dolphin

is that a dolphin? yeah okay why is it a dolphin? I don't get Sorry, that's the noise of a dolphin. Is that a dolphin? Yeah. Okay. Why is it a dolphin? I don't get the joke. Because you're smooth like a dolphin now. Oh, I am smooth like a dolphin now. I am.

But like, as I was lying on my side getting everywhere, Dawn, I thought, men don't have to do this. I love the way you say it. As I lay there holding my ass cheeks open, I thought to myself, you're just like Carrie Bradshaw. She tried to say it in the nicest way as well. She's like, would you like your perineum done or whatever it's called?

Like I don't book the appointment under the perineum, but that's literally why I'm in here. No one wants to. Hey, it's Joanne McNally here. Can I make an appointment for two o'clock for my perineum? You're like,

oh, it's just for my ankles, please. Then you get in there, your face down, the hands crawling to the arse cheeks your one's like here we fucking go another liar

we haven't even talked about our whole week actually we went on quite the rant well I got home from Ireland and I was Devo I was actually going to sit here

when I was thinking about my week I was like going to give out about London but I'm actually quite happy to be back now but I just think Ireland

is the nicest place I know it is Joe you should go Joe you should go I think I should be on the Irish tourism board I'm not even joking I'm a great ambassador for it

well I was listening to you and Spano's podcast with Alan Carr about holidays and I was like if Vogue talks about health one more time even I am going to be like

Vogue shut the fuck up about health like it was getting weird it's like you've got Tourette's and I was like, if Vogue talks about Hoth one more time, even I am going to be like, Vogue, shut the fuck up about Hoth. Like, it was getting weird. It's like you've got to rats. How are you about Hoth? Hoth, Hoth, Hoth, Hoth. Any news about Hoth? Well, I found,

I found new runs in Hoth and I swear to God, I've been places I've never been before and I thought to myself, I am so lucky to live here. You don't live there, babe. Listen,

I'm going to be spending a lot more time there, right? What you need to do, you can, right? What you need to do... You can house it. What you need to do is you need to send your son there so he gets a Dublin accent. I know, a Dublin accent's much nicer, I have to say. But he does have a nice accent, but he's really posh.

I don't know... I wonder where he got that from. No, I know Spenny's posh, but Theodore's posher. Imagine Theodore was a, oh, a fam. Yeah, but Theodore says, I want to get... Like... Oh, bruv! Bish, oh, fam. Yeah, but Theodore says, I want to get... Like... Oh, bruv. Yeah, bish bash bosh.

Like, he's obviously going to sound... Yeah, but he's way posher than even Spenny's mom. He says, after, and he says, dancing. Spenny's not that bad. Maybe I'm just so used to Spenny. He's quite,

he is quite silver-tongued. He is, like... Spenny had a lovely Father's Day with us as welltongued. He is, like. Spenny had a lovely Father's Day with us as well. Go on. What did we do? I can't remember. I'm not sure right now.

Father's Day. Me and Vogue, do you know what? I was actually thinking about this earlier. Me and Vogue keep saying we've no dads. We do.

Like, my original dad died, but I have a spare in Australia because I'm adopted. Yeah, I have a spare because I have a stepdad. Exactly. So it's not like we're completely fatherless,

but we are. We planned out for a spare because I have a stepdad. Exactly. So it's not like we're completely fatherless. No, we are. We planned out for the deaths. Maybe we were behind them. The reason that we were discussing Father's Day was like, what did you say? You're trying to say

we murdered our fathers. Folks' father just toppled off a cliff and hoaxed folks like, whoopsies. Whoopsies. I'm going to move to London. So Father's Day.

Go on. Yeah, I know. So we were doing, so we had a nice Father's Day. Like I forgot to order balloons or do something nice like that. So I ended up making homemade cards

with Theodore and Gigi. Basically, I just got them to stamp their hands and feet on a card and then I did, I got Theodore to do stickers and stamps and stuff like that on the card.

So that was like kind of the extent. And then like, because everyone's putting up these posts and the day was just going on and on and on and on. I hadn't done my post. I hadn't got time. I hadn't chosen the pictures. Anyway, we went for a Father's Day walk in the park,

got one of the pictures, grand. Then I found one at theatre because I can't leave one kid out. You know what I mean? Why wasn't theatre in the park? No, he was, but like, he just wasn't in the picture. Okay. Oh, no, he was actually with his grandparents.

We went for lunch on Father's Day, which was very nice. But my post was, Happy Father's Day, Dada. We love you so much. The piggies and I are lucky to have you. And that was the best I could do. I thought that was actually perfect.

I know, but then there's this girl that I absolutely love and I started following her about two years ago adore her and I saw her Father's Day post and it said

my darling it's apparent by the effortlessness and fearlessness which you father our child that this is your destiny your birthright

your joy how crap is mine I know but you know how crap is mine? I know, but you know. How crap is mine? And I said to Spenny, I was like, Spenny, what would you do if I posted something like that? And he'd say, oh, darling,

I'd tell you that you'd maybe overcooked it slightly. But I thought that that was like, that's like something you'd, oh my God, Joanne. What? You should write my posts from now on. You're good at English. Not reading, English.

I am good at English, yeah. No, because I don't know how to express like feeling like that. I've never been with anyone who's let me put a photo of them on my Instagram account. I don't know how to say. My boys have always been like,

don't tell anyone we're together. So I've never been able to do that. Some of the, now some celebrities put great Father's Day posts up, which I really, really like. Like Isla Fisher. Happy Father's Day posts up which I really really like like Isla Fisher happy Father's Day Papa Fishy

salty old sea dog like that's funny yeah I like that but then I think about people like and I used to be one of them

I did I used to put up like beep beep things this was beep beep oh you were

one of them alright oh you were leading the pack excuse me I used to bring three bikinis to the beach Oh, you're one of them, all right. Oh. You were leading the pack. Excuse me. I used to bring three bikinis to the beach so I could get three separate bikini shots and sometimes I would go down to the waves and do a sexy pose down there.

Yeah, I don't know why you're looking so horrified. Like, we all saw them, Vogue. I know. I wasn't even... Why didn't anyone say anything to me? What can people say? I always thought it was kind of part of your job. No, I was just so dehydrated and thirsty.

That is what I used to do. And I just, like, and poor Spenny took those pictures. He's worse. The boyfriends are all, I blame the boyfriends. The boyfriends are the one, like, they're the ones taking the photos.

They should be the ones stepping in, being like, this is massively inappropriate and lame. It should be photos. They should be the ones stepping in being like this is massively inappropriate and lame. It should be them. They should be stepping in. Actually yeah it wasn't my fault it was his fault. It wasn't your fault.

I think the Father's Day so we all know that everything you post on like it's just an excuse to post something and have a bit of visibility and get likes. So everyone's trying to

drum up a Father's Day post. But my thing is that I used to be guilty of like because my dad obviously is dead he's 10 years now but I used to be I used to do this thing my dad obviously is dead, he's 10 years now, but I used to be,

I used to do this thing, right, and it would be on his birthday, and it would be on his anniversary, and it would have been on Father's Day, and I'm like, love you, Dad,

missing you. Like, he's never going to see that. Why am I building you? No. I've stopped. Some people think, do you know what it is?

It's like a reaching out thing. They're like, they're so sad, and they want you to know they're sad and everything. But it's like what we were saying the other week. When I said about men on dating profiles uploading dating profile pictures of them at someone's grave,

the amount of women who sent me photos of men at their parents' grave. And do you know what? I was like, do you know what? This time last year I would have posted that with like their eyes blurred out. But I was like, I actually can't do it anymore. Things have changed so much. I was like, this is actually really sad This time last year, I would have posted that with like their eyes blurred out. But I was like, I actually can't do it anymore. Things have changed so much. I was like, this is actually really sad.

I can't post it. I know. I said, yeah, God. We're not gushy. So we did, Joanne and I, it's hard to get a real gushy post out of us. Like that's why I didn't do

the gushy, gushy Father's Day one. But some people were really funny about it. But I was just surprised at how like gushy that one was. Yeah. People do overcook themselves online. They've been doing, people have been overcooking themselves online for a very long time now. Do you ever see those comments when they leave their, what's it called?

Not their comment, when they leave their caption and it's like three pages long. I'm like, babe, I cannot read that. I know. I can't. I can barely have time to scroll. I know. All stories for me. I know. can't I can barely have time to scroll I know all stories for me I know people do get carried away online

especially around something like emotional because I think the trend is to kind of show your trauma online now or to like show your it used to be just your sandwiches

and like happy happy happy I love seeing a Sambo online and now it's like look at me look at my whatever it is look I've got a Veruca

and they're like I mean aren't you so brave showing your Veruca like that's at me, look at my, whatever it is. Look, I've got a verruca. And they're like, I mean, aren't you so brave showing your verruca? Like, that's kind of the vibe now. Oh, I know. So what is it? People giving out then

about Father's Day and they're saying it shouldn't be called Father's Day or they find it triggering or whatever. And I'm like, you can't,

you can't take the day away because it doesn't, like, when our dads died, we didn't say, listen, you can't have Father's Day anymore. We didn't say that. And like,

on National Testicular Cancer Day, I'm not like, excuse me, I don't have testicular cancer. How dare you mark this day? You can't. And I know that, I just think that

people are just, I don't know, it's bizarre. That's bizarre to say that we can't have Father's Day anymore. And everyone has father issues. Everyone. Even the ones with fathers

have father issues. And I want to say, as someone who has no father, I'm totally grand. She says, she's shagging drug dealers and breastfeeding her cash. I'm grand, daddy. I'm fine. Oh my God.

Alexander said something about us the other day. He said we looked great for our age. Oh yeah. Yeah, that's kind of happening now. It hurt my feelings. I was like, what did you just say to me? You and Joanne look great for your age. Yeah, that's been happening to me for a while.

I think that's really bad. Joanne, you do look great for your age. Yeah, you look great for your age. So you did House of Games and you had to do General Knowledge and Joanne and I were having a conversation the other day and I have yet to tell her. She said to me, imagine if you did, what was your

question to me the other day and I wouldn't answer it? Oh yeah, so I was, in my mind I like to kind of, because I do a lot of manifesting now with this bargain sage that I bought online. I wish you wouldn't put it in the Baraka tube. It really looks ugly. I know, I use a Baraka tube as a holder. I just feel like it centres me. I was like, if I were to do Celebrity Mastermind, like what would my Mastermind topics be? And I feel like maybe I should start preparing for that.

And I feel my topics would be absolutely fabulous or Pret-a-Manger. Okay, that's actually not so bad. Now I don't feel so dumb. I said to Vogue, I was like, well, what am I going to do? Sudoku, like I can't count. Anyway, I was like, said to Vogue,

I was like, if you did Celebrity Mastermind, what would your topics be? And Vogue was like, I've already done Celebrity Mastermind. And then she wouldn't let me look up her topic. Come on, tell me, what was it? Okay, I would just like to say,

right, in defense of myself, I asked because I do rap. I wanted to do rap but they had just had a hip hop special. So I wasn't allowed to do rap. And the only thing I know more about than rap is the...

Kardashian! You did the Kardashian? My topic was Kim Kardashian. I got every single question right. It was only when we went into general knowledge that I went so wrong. It was so embarrassing.

They did tell me that if you get one question wrong, it's like an avalanche. And an avalanche it was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's so hard. And do you know what? And I'm not allowed to say,

they did ask on House of Games, they're like, don't be saying where you came or anything like that. Like you, I excelled at the reality TV questions. And I felt like

they kind of slipped a couple of them in there. Like I was, me and John Turnbull, not Turnbull. Bill. Yeah, Bill Turnbull. Oh me and John Turnbull, not Turnbull. Bill. Yeah, Bill Turnbull. Oh, he's so nice.

Bill Turnbull. He's like a savant of information. And he knew every, you know what I mean? Like everything. He was like naming like individual towns

in Palestine. Like it was, and I was like, murder for sight! Joanne, those things are much more important than what he has to know I believe so yeah

and I'm happy that we know so much and I also found a new series of the Kardashians which I've been watching and I've been having a lovely time this week what do you mean you found

I didn't realise there was another series so I'm on nearly the last episode of the last ever series but I know that those girls they've got a new deal coming with Hey You someone told me

so there's going to be more. I just don't like I do wonder how much money does one family need? They are like so like I was looking at their house

and I'm like everything is just so perfect. How do they look like that every day? How are they so well put together? But they don't. So me and my new best friend

Vicky Pattinson were talking about this this morning and we were talking about that Khloe Kardashian actually hates herself. She's got vicious imposter syndrome

and that's why she had that meltdown about that photo of what she actually looks like going out on the internet because she's so scared and because we put celebrities up on these pedestals

of like perfection and they take it on themselves and they're too embarrassed to be seen as like actual human women which leads us into this story because Chloe finally admitted

that she had a nose job. Nose job. But it's no one else's business if she had a nose job. If you really didn't think she had a nose job come on are you blind?

I know. It was so obvious. Her nose looks great now. She's happy. Everyone else who wanted to know she had a nose job is happy. So there you go. She had a nose job.

Do you know you can get filler in your nose and you can like have a nose job like that? Apparently it's not great. Apparently it can collapse. Nose collapses from filler? I've heard that.

I don't think that's true. You always tell little lies like that. It's not. That is totally true. That thing about shooting out twice the eggs is also completely true. That's not true. I don't believe it.

Shooting out double eggs when you're coming up to menopause. Yes. My angle on the Chloe thing is like you say, it was so obvious she'd had a nose it'd be like if I was

walking around with a toe on my forehead and they're like did you get a toe put on your forehead? I'd be like no it's just contouring I just contoured a toe

on my forehead like it was so obvious what had happened but they're like bullying her into admitting it. Everyone in Hollywood has had a nose job. They literally give birth

to the babies in Hollywood and they take them off for rhinoplasty and then give them back to the mothers. Everyone's had a nose job. rhinoplasty and then give them back to the mothers everyone's had a nose job I say a nose job takes like 15 minutes

over there because everyone just gets one 100% they're like a drive-in but have you seen like drive-in you drive through they take your old nose out

and they put a new one on you and you're gone in an 8 and 10 minutes I'm sad about about Kendall's brow lift and Bella's brow lift I thought that was filler so it's not achievable for us

according to my friend Dr. Ewan as a brown lift like pretty excessive the ongoing debate about this whole thing because I did ask about it on Instagram this morning

I was like do you think that like celebrities are obligated to tell you about getting work done because like they're not like they should they'd be obligated

to tell us and so I did a bit of it wasn't a proper shout out but I just did a like poll on it and the general consensus was if they're saying stuff they're selling us makes them look like that Wasn't a proper shout out, but I just did a like poll on it. And the general consensus was, if they're saying stuff they're selling us makes them look like that,

then it's morally wrong to not admit they've had work done. Yeah, well, that's true. It's like, it's like brands now, if you're working with like a makeup brand, like I'd never ever filter any of those because like it changes what the makeup actually does. Yeah. They're like, if they're making money off their face, looking a certain way

and saying it's a certain thing. I'm a huge fan of Chloe Kay, as I know you are as well, I love her. And I think the pressure to admit when you've had work done, I don't know, personally,

I think I probably would because you can't get it, like what am I going to do? I think people would notice a nose job. I'm too old for a nose job now. But the way, the way, that makes me so laugh,

that makes me laugh so much the women who were like JLo said she looks the way she does from being sound to women. Renee Zellweger

had got a brand new head. Did she? Yeah. I didn't know she ever had one. And then they were like Renee you've got a brand new head

and there was so much chat about it that she actually had to come out and acknowledge her new head. What do you mean she's got a new head?

She got an absolute when I say facelift like they lifted it off and they put a different one back on like face off like face off when did this happen

I missed that a couple of years ago and she was the talk of the town I mean she looked amazing oh Renee Zellweger yes oh my god

yes she looked amazing but she looked like she was on the run like she looked like but she looked like she was on the run like she looked like yeah she looked like she literally had

a facelift and then a different face put on anyway there was so much talk about it that she actually had to come out

and say something about it of course she denied it and said that she was just having much more she was just much happier in her life these days

so she was glad that people were recognising that in her face like you can see the fucking you can see the threads coming out from behind your ears. That's a nice excuse.

So I like that. I'll give her points for that. Like, I can literally see the incision marks around, like, stitched on. Like, the tag from someone else's head is still flying out the back of your new head. And you're saying that it's because you've got a more positive attitude to life.

Like, it's pretty patronizing. Joanne, maybe we should stop with the bullshit, be more positive, and Alexander won't tell us that we look good for our age. Are we going to talk about Theodore's anger issue? Oh, God.

Like, I know he, I thought he hit the terrible twos at like 18 months, but now I really think he's hit it. He is so aggressive and mean to all of us in the house, and I told him yesterday that he's going to go and

live in another family if he keeps treating us all like that does he take that on board though

no he's like nope nope so I got a timer so I turned the timer upside down

he has to stay in his room for three minutes that's his time out and he goes

absolutely berserk in the room and then I know when the timer's up because he literally goes

the timer's up for me like and screams the place down he is like berserk in the room and then I know when the timer's up because he literally goes the timer's up mummy like and screams the place down he is like slaps me I don't know what's

gotten into him lately he's really quite naughty he takes everything off she's easy and he tries to knock her hands over when she's crawling along so she falls on her face

I'm pretty sure my brother did like really awful things to me as well like I remember when we were kids he would do this thing called the chokie race

where he would make me like force me to run up the stairs so he could knock my legs out from underneath me to carpet burn my face. Like that was that was an idea

of passing a Saturday afternoon. I know. I remember my brother used to do you know that tea towel thing where you turn the tea towel around and whip people but he would have a wet one

and it would be like I would have like lumps coming out of my skin from him whipping me with a tea towel. And Amber used be like, I would have like lumps coming out of my skin from him whipping me with a tea towel. And Amber used to grab my legs and like kick my fanny. We know Lena Dunham

was accused of sexually abusing her sister. What? For kicking her fanny. In her book, Lena Dunham, great book, love Lena,

big fan. She said that she used to put stones in her sister's vagina as a kid and then pull them out, like take them out or whatever. I mean, it's just kids fannying around,

literally fannying around I didn't put stones in Amber's fanny Jesus Christ and she everyone came out it was like you're admitting

that you sexually abused your sister she's like no it was just we're just kids like exploring each other or whatever yeah

I was like she was not sexually abused come on now it's just kids being kids being kids being inqu being kids being inquisitive. Inquisitive.

No, Amber used to kick me in the funny. My brother, I remember the neighbor came in. The neighbor had shooed our dog

out of its garden. Do you remember people used to put water bottles outside their garden? That did not get rid of dogs. No, what?

Did you not have that? Like we lived in like an estate and like there was water bottles filled with water it was supposedly to deter the dogs

from pissing yeah and that's what was there poison in the bottles no it's just that's a thing I don't think dogs

care about that shit I don't know cats are gross so their piss is worse than dog piss but they the neighbours shooed our dog

Topaz out and then my brother just disappeared for a while and then the neighbour arrived back in goingaz out and then my brother just disappeared for a while and then the neighbour arrived back in going insane and Connor had gone in

with the scissors and she had this like no no no he didn't slice her open I'm scared where's it going where are you

he murdered the neighbour and now he's in asylum love you Connor no he cut the heads off all her daffodils ah fair now he's in asylum love you Connor no he cut the heads off all our daffodils

ah fair yeah he was like six or seven at the time what a spiteful little child I was gigging in Top Secret the other night

and there was a girl in the audience called Prada stop yeah that's nicer than Vogue. I don't know. Prada, Prada, Prada.

Did she make it up herself? No, her name was Prada. I wasn't on stage. The MC got it out of her. Her name was Prada. You could call your kid Gucci. That would be quite cool. Coco.

Gucci sounds like a child who comes out with its ears pierced. Cushy. Did you see the Sunday World? After all my giving out in the last pod about me running down Oxford Street on a pint of psychedelics bollock naked,

Sunday World, Folk Williams looking forward to going back to needy husband Spencer. So through that whole podcast, that's the line they took. Again, I was completely ignored. You know, Vicky Pattinson had to ask me if it was my podcast that you were a guest on. Again, I was completely ignored. You know, Vicky Pattinson

had to ask me if it was my podcast that you were a guest on. I was like, every week. You think I'm going to have Vogue as a guest every week? She's not that fucking interesting. Why does everyone think

it's your podcast and then they only use my quotes? Because they're not listening to anything I say. They're all listening to everything you say. Excuse me, they think that it's your podcast though.

The papers are like, why is Vogue talking to this stranger, this weirdo every week? They're like, oh, look, it must that it's your podcast though. The papers are like, why is Vogue talking to this stranger, this weirdo every week? They're like, oh, look, it must be your one's podcast. And she's just interviewing Vogue for, what have we done now?

12 episodes. 13. So I've just interviewed Vogue for 13 hours about her life. Oh God, I'm not that interesting. No one's that interesting. I wouldn't interview Nelson Mandela for 13 hours. I have to talk about something.

So, like, obviously, I told you about Joanne's sandals. Oh, I brought this in my bag. Look how organized I am. I have it here.

Look, hang on, I popped my piece of paper out because I didn't want Joanne to see. So I know how you felt because those sandals are fucking idiots, right? And I've told you that

since last week. So that is a matter of opinion, but yeah. Okay, they're absolutely revolting. But I didn't... My words must have hurt you because the other day from Hart, I wore this green dress,

which is stunning, by the way, stunning. It's not a dress a man would find sexually attractive because it's pretty much like a parachute. But I love it. Is it the ghani, the green, stripy one? Yeah, it's stunning. Yes, it looks like a tent, but it's a tent that I love.

Well, I don't like reading comments about. Yes, it looks like a tent, but it's a tent that I love. Well, I don't like reading comments about certain things, but I did read these comments and some of them were like this. Wow, that's a dress. I thought she'd stolen a deck chair.

That dress costs £245. Someone has a sense of humour. That is a dress for radio and they just go on and on I'm sure she is lovely

but that dress is not bin it I don't think it's that bad my last one how do you guess it's effortless question mark this could have taken

hours and hours of her time to look this bad and look at this one Effortless? This could have taken hours and hours of her time to look this bad. And look at this one. Anything for attention and clicks. She is well aware that she looks absolutely awful in that tablecloth. There is a jack chair somewhere with just the wood left. I don't want myself.

I thought I would cry laughing. I'm not wearing that dress again. Oh my God, that is so funny. Are they all, that sounds like it's all the same person, just like losing their minds. No, no one's that funny. Oh God, I did laugh.

But it made me think about your poor sandals. They're just the worst. Oh God, it hurts. Oh God, it's so funny. Oh God. Well, off the back of your, I mean, I can't call it anything less than psychological abuse about my sandals.

I warned you. I said, so basically, Dr. You and I was like, we were talking all shit about face stuff and everything. I was like, we should do like a Q&A live thing about like bits of Bob's tweakments and such, because he's just sound.

And so I put up a question mark and I was going does anyone have any questions for Dr. Ewan? And of course it turned into this landslide of people going show us the fucking sandals. Show us the sandals.

I miss the sandals though. Show us the sandals. And someone messaged going will you go home and take a picture of you in your new paddling pool with the sandals? I was like I'm not running

an OnlyFans here I don't do requests anyways I went home dug out the sandals wore them on an Insta story well I can't say reaction was like

I mean I I was absolutely shocked turns out I'm basically I've been wearing the physical manifestation of syphilis on my feet for like two seasons now according to

absolutely everyone I think one girl was like I think they're kind of cool that was everything everyone else was like I'll never forget the day you arrived at my Everyone else was like, I'll never forget the day you arrived at my house in those sandals. I'll never

forget it. It's almost like they've got a tail, like they were just getting dog abuse. This is how I found out, because on the bus, when they were all asking about the sandals, one woman very kindly messaged me and she was like, next time folks ask you about the sandals, are you worried that she's on a mural wall in Kilbarrick

Dart Station? And I said no um no she sent me a picture I was on an eight pound bus trip back from Birmingham I was laughing so hard I genuinely thought thought I was going to have to be resuscitated in the middle of the month. Jo, she's on a whirl beside you. Shay Kavar. Oh, it's too much. You're a political freedom fighter for health. Shay fucking Kavar. Now, the reason she's on fucking Guevara. Now the reason

she's on the wall with Shay Guevara is because the artist Jim Fitzpatrick is an Irish artist from the north side of Dublin. But there she is,

our Vogue, smiling away in between Shay Guevara and who is I'm Tamo Dempsey. Like, everyone treats him like a war hero

of Dublin. Then Shay Guevara. And then me. And then folk, they're not a bother on her. Oh my God, that is... Smiling away. I don't think Amber's known as that. She gets a door to work all the time

and I swear she's never said that to me. I forgot about that. How can you forget you're on a mural? Honestly, I forgot. It's so political. Oh, it's so funny. Like, I associate them with, like, Belfast, like, Northern Irish politics and stuff.

And I was like, oh, my God, I want to doodle my face into the back of it. And we'll do one saying, like, free the Prosecco, too, and see if we can, like, round up some business. I couldn't stop laughing. I've made it! I've made it! It made my day.

It absolutely made my day. So I'm delighted now because the sandals led me to that. Oh, the sandals. They're so desperate. It made my day. It absolutely made my day. So I'm delighted now because the sandals led me to that. Oh, the sandals. They're so desperate. You're not wearing them out on Friday.

We're going out on Friday. So we might have recovered by next week. I'm expecting to go to Cuba just to see like a big roll of Fidel Castro and Vogue just beside.

Hey guys. Hi. It's Vogue here from house. Fighting for house. Yay for house, yay! Oh, no, no. By the way, I heard you on your Insta stories. Don't start claiming you two for the Southside.

They're not Southsiders. You two are from the Northside. My friend Orna told me to tell you. She sent me a voice note and she was disgusted. They're not yours. I, okay, so what happened was, I was wondering, I was like, if they made a mural of people from the south side of Dublin,

I mean, people don't really like, people from the south side of Dublin aren't considered real Dubliners. They just, they look down on us because we're not glugging on Guinness all day and we don't have the pool bag chimney stacks tattooed across our tits so they think we're not real Dublin.

They're like, you don't have a pigeon as a tramp stamp so you're not an actual Dubliner. You're like, okay, whatever. But I was like, if I was a Southside mural, who would be on it? So I was like Googling like who's famous Southsiders

and this list came up including, do you know the lion from the MGM logo? Yeah, but that's probably bullshit too. No, he was. You two are not. No, he was born.

Well, the lion's not from Dorky, but like. Is he from Dublin Zoo? He's from Dublin Zoo. No. You two are not. No, he was born. Well, the lion's not from Dorky, but like. Is he from Dublin Zoo? He's from Dublin Zoo. Stop. Anyway, I. Also on the north side, by the way. Also on the north side.

So I assumed that was just a hack, like a joke that someone had put in. Anyway, I posted a photo of the list going like, oh, look, the lion. They're saying the lion's from the south side of Dublin. That's hilarious. The amount of messages, because there's loads of misinformation

in that list. I didn't write the list. Joanne, you were pushing the list. People were... Someone actually accused me of revising history by claiming that Colin Farrell was from the South Side. Someone else accused me of trying to, like, corrupt North Dublin history by claiming the lioness.

I didn't write the list. You were discussing it and you were promoting it like it was your own. I didn't write the list. Back off. Go back to talking. I didn't write the list. You were discussing it and you were promoting it like it was your own. I didn't write the list. Back off. Go back to talking. I didn't write the list. That's it for this week. Remember,

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