My Therapist Ghosted Me - Organs & Avocados

Episode Date: November 11, 2022

As Vogue's holiday in St. Barts ticks to an end, Joanne is getting back on the workout wagon. Plus, organ donation, making friends and the end of avocados.If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] is going on tour in Ireland & The UK! Remember to check the venue websites as well as Ticketmaster! For more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThank you!

This is a Global Player original podcast. Hello and welcome to My Therapist Ghosted Me with me, Joanne McNally and her, Vogue Williams. Also, just a flag, we're going on tour soon. Well, next year year and there are still tickets left for Salford Liverpool and some for Cardiff

and Belfast do you want Belfast I'm sorry you should be plugging it more Vogue where are we Joanne we're on tour we're on tour

we're on tour we're on tour you're trying to psych me out now aren't you welcome to my therapist shut up Vogue welcome to my therapist ghost Shut up, Vogue.

Welcome to my therapist, Ghosted Me, with me, Joanne McNally and her Vogue Williams. We're on tour. Places with tickets that are left are Salford, Liverpool and Belfast.

She's always much better when she goes a bit monotone. And Cardiff, Joanne. Don't forget Cardiff. Please come to our tour as Joanne says we're going on tour. I'll be going on tour myself if you keep that up. You'll Please come to our tour. As Joanne says, we're going on tour. I'll be going on tour myself

if you keep that up. You'll be cut for the tour. Joanne, don't you worry about that. I'll be going on tour myself, right? Fresh new comedian on the block. Vogue Williams. She's a hoot. She is an absolute hoot.

She's a hoot! Five stars. She's a hoot. That's your mother, Vogue. Those reviews don't count. Come to my show. Let's paint the town red. We'll have's a hoot. That's your mother, Vogue. Those reviews don't count. Come to my show. Let's paint the town red. We'll have such a laugh together.

Vogue, I'm a little disappointed by your background. Your background is as depressing as mine. And you're supposed to be in the... Are you in the Caribbean or the Bahamas? I don't know. You're in the Carabamas. Where are you? I don't even know the difference. I'm in the rainiest part of the world it would seem that's where I am I beg to differ because it's torrential rain and clapping at the moment oh well it's absolute torrential bullshit here and the fact that I've flown so far to come at

least the rain's warm people are like what's with the weather I'm like you tell me what's with the weather there's nothing like and my mom as well she is dining out on the fact that it's not really sunny here she's like how's the weather it's 27 in Spain I'm like oh she can't wait to get it in I love how petty people get about the weather when they're away or the fact that people but like you're in the carabamas like like you say the weather is even if it's raining it's still sexy hot rain it's still like coconut weather rain you know what I mean? Yeah like you can still go for

walks in your shorts and stuff so I'm kind of delighted but I do have this thing and I was gonna because like it's a serious issue for me and it happens on every holiday I go on I start getting no I don't I'm not really a thrush girl thankfully touch wood thrush girl

hey it's your thrush girl Joanne hey are you thrushy no I've never I've never been one to get it that regularly I just love the tone like you're not into pilates

do you know what I mean you're just like I'm just not really a thrush gal you know what I mean no thrush not really appealing to me no thanks cold sores no thanks sorry no thank you yeah so I come on holidays I have the best time I'm loving life

and about like it happens around now I'm going home on Saturday and I start getting the absolute fear and I go into a real like sadness I'm so sad that I have to go home and I don't know how to like to get out of it I'm just like but then I kind of do want to go home and I don't know how to like, to get out of it. I'm just like, but,

but then I kind of do want to go home, but I don't cause I'm loving my life here so much, even in the pissing rain. And even though they don't have that much nice fruit. Um, yeah, I'm quite sad. Are we going to talk about your issue with the fruit in St.

Bart's or are we going to leave you have a career? Everything goes off really quickly. Cause it comes in on a boat. Yeah, to fucking St. Bart's. Yeah. So it comes in on a boat, but like joe you could go to the supermarket and if you're spencer and you never look at one single thing you pick up in the supermarket you'll just bring home three boxes of completely moldy raspberries that cost an absolute fortune i was like did you have

one single look in this box of raspberries there's literal like mushrooms growing in there it's just like i don't understand it. So you have to be careful with the fruit out here. But if that's my only complaint. She's practically living off the land, Jo. She's practically living off the land out there. They're foraging themselves for berries. Also, I got a bit slut shamed in the supermarket.

Go on. You know the way when you're on holidays and you're like, okay, I'll go to the supermarket. I'll wear my bikini, but with a wrap over it and my flip flops because I'm on my holidays. Well, I walked into the supermarket and this woman. Sorry, that's my door. And look, I got off this woman. I haven't been looked at like that. I don't remember the last time from the days when I actually was going around in completely no clothes.

And she looks at me from there and she goes, no, no, she goes no no no no no no and I was like pardon and she's like pull this up pull this up two more times during my shopping trip she came around to just throw me filthy looks I was like oh my god I have never felt and then I went over to her and I was like excuse me excuse me this woman's in a swimsuit and I had to rat you absolute grass but the other woman was already standing outside the supermarket she'd gotten kicked out she was kicked out for wearing a swimsuit do you remember we spoke about this before wasn't it some there were some cities that they were fining women for walking around in their bikinis yeah yeah, yeah, yeah. And we were talking about kind of holiday etiquette and stuff.

Yeah. Now, I forgot to wear shoes the other day, so I didn't even dream of walking into that supermarket. Because you do have to go every couple of days because stuff goes off so quick. And I just had to sit in the car and wait because I just didn't want to be bullied by that woman. No, no, no, no, no. Shoes, like your feet aren't sexy enough for her to give a shit that you've got no shoes on. It's the fact that you're kind of going in there in a sexualized form you should have just wanked off her husband

and left that's why I wore the bikini to get him ready for it excuse me where's Timothee Timothee knows me your husband knows me ask Timothee to come out Timothee no but it is funny over here

but you don't care about the shoe thing but you're the girl who takes your shoes off on the plane and has your feet out they're socked feet like I refuse to be shamed you had your tits out in a fucking supermarket in St. Barth who are you to judge me I've got a toe out in a plane

she says toe now, Jo. Let's be honest, Joanne. You had your socks off. We know you had the socks off. You admitted it. I absolutely did not have my socks off. My socks were very firmly on my feet.

However, I paid for that seat. If I want to... No, Joanne, stop. It's not fair. If I want to sit there bollock naked, I paid five quid for that fucking airplane seat. That's why I don't eat fries on the plane anymore because I think

it's very rude of me are you joking no I used to have a fry in a box in Dublin airport they have fries and if you say can I get that to go

and I'd like waltz onto the plane with beans and eggs and sassos remember how much I used to love a fry though like I'd have three or four fries a week

oh and you're worried about the odor and you don't want to be an unpopular passenger. Yeah, you can't be doing that. You can't. No, no fries, no hummus. You've got to be, you've got to be careful. Hummus? Even on a train.

Hummus on a train, I think it's frowned upon because I got some dirty looks with that. And then I thought, you know what? You're right. That's well directed. Stinks. No, the only thing that I would have a problem with on a train, and again, I can't, I won't food shame,

but if someone like whipped out an egg wrapped with like a fish skin then I'd be like ah come on now take that to the toilet eggs

eggs reek even if you've cooked your own eggs and you go off to go to the toilet and you come back into the room they absolutely stink

anyway back to our weeks what did you do this week I'm sitting and clapping in the rain you're waltzing around I've seen you are you like this week I'm sitting and clapping in the rain you're waltzing around I've seen you are you like hanging out with tortoises and all that jazz

there's like all sorts of shit going on over in the loads of great shit loads of good shit going on over here we just go for run walks every day like we go for a run walk

I went to the gym it's very wholesome although I was drinking the other day and then yesterday I just oh god I just hate being hungover

I'm back with John Belton I kind of just, oh God, I just hate being hung over. I'm back with John Belton. I kind of fell off my fitness journey. I'm back. I kind of, I took a diversion into a petrol station and just sat there in the loading bay for about two months. But I'm, and I was saying to myself, do you know what you want? A fitness journey is a journey, is a journey. A journey has obstacles and roundabouts and cul-de-sacs and traffic lights and wrong turns and loading bays. And that's just what a journey is.

So anyway, I'm back on the main road now it's mostly just we just stretched because he was like my god you're tight not in a not in a good way he's like my god I can't even touch my own elbows at the moment so anyway he's the dream it's half an hour and you're done I know we just kind of stretch I know when John feels sorry for me when he just kind of is like okay just tip your toes we just spent half an hour tipping my toes the tour is coming to

an end so I just want to make sure that I you know don't have high cholesterol well the Irish bit is oh sorry the Irish UK

I had my last I did my Apollo's were on I did my last Apollo on Sunday and lovely show lovely show

there was a I mean when I and lovely show, lovely show. There was a, I mean, when I say lovely show, I actually don't mean about myself, I mean the audience. I did a great job. I was very funny.

Absolutely. Smashed it, guys. Smashed it. No, but it was, I was kind of distracted for the first half of the show because there was what can only be described as a commotion on the balcony

to the point where I had to stop the show which is saying something in the Apollo because it's a big room and I monitor it playing myself back to me so it has to be quite loud for me to hear it

and I was like girls you alright up there and I think she was like I've lost my handbag or something I don't know anyway but it turns out she was getting kicked out

so there was a young one from Cork who was pulled out allegedly now I'm only getting this from girls DMing me so I didn't see it happen pulled out by her arms

like she was pulled carried out by security arms and legs like they do with a protester look I'd say she was thrown out into the street it looked like she was

protesting the fucking work conditions of Prosecco farmers who gets who gets pulled out are you joking me I'm fucking running a post office in this flat.

Anyway. Taking all the packages. So anyway, there was, someone said there was a brawl in the balcony, but she was pulled out by her arms and legs.

So I don't know what I'm going to start doing. I'm going to either have to start putting Valium in the Prosecco or teaching self-defense classes on their way in. Or like, wear a bum bag

because if you are thrown out, you're going to need your bag. You can't delay getting thrown out by looking for your bag. If you've got to go, you've got to go. Anyway, I don't know what to do. I hope she's okay. I'm thinking of going to your show.

This is one of the reasons I'm a bit scared to go to your show because I was going to go on the Saturday before Otto's christening and then I thought, I won't make the christening if I go to the show. Of course you will.

Of course you will. I don't know. I don't know about that. Sarah, listen. We're making it sound like Prosecco Express is like Creamfields. It's not.

That kind of is. You haven't been in the audience. I've been in the audience. You haven't been there. It's exactly like Creamfields. So what do you have left? You've got New York, Dubai, Australia, done.

Yeah, well, I'm doing Canada and stuff. So this December is the end of the Ireland-UK and then from next year on, there's a couple of stragglers, but it's mostly just foreign ones. And obviously we've got the Gausta tour. Yeah, and then you have to,

then you have to write a whole new show. Yeah, Rick's like, oh, mate, we're going to buck in, buck in, buck, buck, buck, buck. How do you say buck in London? Buck.

In some works and progresses for the next show but you don't have to write some stuff first yeah to write some stuff but the only way you're really you're really motivated to write stuff is if you have a work in progress booked in oh my god it's bloody non-stop oh my god come here to me so last night we we were allowed to stay in the hotel because it's always very, very, very busy. Poor Spencer. I had to have Otto there because I'm still feeding him. So it just made sense to have him there. I know.

I know. Feeding Otto for, he must be the size of a house. You've been feeding him for months now. I know. You're never not feeding that child. He is always eating. But we went and we stayed in the hotel and I watched because you told me about it. The Conjuring.

No, I told you about it. Did you watch it did you watch it in the end hold on did you just take your own recommendation and watch something you'd already watched I recommended this to myself last week and I had to say five stars I did I recommended it to myself I was absolutely petrified I had all the lights on curtains open so it was still bright outside and I just thought this, have you seen it yet? No, I don't like them. Scary movies.

I was just thinking, imagine being possessed. I know that you probably don't believe in all that stuff, but I was talking to a girl about being possessed and she said that a lot of exorcisms are really frowned upon because it's basically people just like holding people against their will. They like die of starvation and stuff like that, but there's like it's like so i feel like some people do get

possessed sorry who are you speaking to about being possessed this girl she's a she's a what is a paranormal psychologist she's so interesting like you'd actually love her i would find that interesting yeah she's really interesting but like she doesn't know if she really believes in possessions or not, but like, when you watch something like that and it's all based on a true story of being possessed. Hold on a second, she doesn't believe in possessions? Is that not like a priest saying they don't believe in God? No, because she tries to see, like, she

believes in, like, the paranormal because, like, she's seen stuff herself, but she always tries to look for a reason, a scientific reason as to why it would happen but sometimes there just isn't like the poltergeist of Battersea the Battersea poltergeist like there was no scientific explanation for what happened there and like police were in the house and like the also the the poltergeist of Enfield remember that one no I'm not yeah you're so familiar with the

poltergeist industry I'm not as familiar at Well, I'm actually just brushing up on my skills so I know when I go, what to do. How to tap your way back into planet Earth. How to come back, that's how I know. Possess me so I start working out. That'd be great. She's a hoot What? Well I think she's a

I think she's an absolute hoot Now I have to say I think she's absolutely brilliant I won't hear anything you haven't said about her So about Williams last night in the Hammersmith Apollo She was an absolute hoot

She was brilliant Brittle Brittle pads Prada Peter won't even watch Dr. Pimple Popper Oh I love that show Peter won't even watch Dr. Pimple Popper I love that show He won't even watch Dr. Pimple Popper

It is just a person Popping pimples And he's too scared It's pretty disgusting It's pretty disgusting I mean Mother of God It's like going out

With a two year old I'm like Do you want to put What do we put on Cocoa melon Is that the only thing You watch Cocoa melon

I love that You even know what Cocoa Melon is I date men younger than me I have to know what Cocoa Melon is is Alan younger than you no Alan's not actually he's he's older than me oh that's nice Benny's younger than me four years younger than me looks older than I would say do you know do you know when you were saying there about uh you were like oh it was brilliant last night joking Benny would honestly say that about himself he'd be like oh oh no, I did it. I'm like, oh, how did you get on? Oh, absolutely, smashed it.

Did a really good job there. And he would come up about everything. Like I could ask him now how he got on at the gym. Oh, it was brilliant. Like if you saw what I lifted, like I was amazing. And that's how he would discuss himself. He is certainly, he is a confident young man that's now denying it.

He is a confident young man. He says that denying it. He is a confident young man. He says that we're the same. I'm like, no, no, no, Spenny. I don't think anyone is like talks about themselves the way you talk about yourself. Speaking of Spenny, he's got a new podcast out tomorrow. No, wait, it's already out. By the time this goes out, it'll be out.

Big fish. It's actually, do you know what? It's very good. I've listened to like three episodes. He has DJ Fat Tony on and loads of other really cool guests they're talking about all things business and how they got to where they got to plug plug plug do you want to pretend you've listened to it well I haven't seen the fee come in for this ad let me check my emails oh it's in there it's in there zero zero point zero zero at least you get a seam and i get nothing oh i don't want that no don't i forgot to take my pill you can't don't don't

don't yuck gross well anyway his podcast is out Big Fish so go and have a listen it's actually very very good bleep all that Joe cut all that

and if Spencer says so himself it's one of the best podcasts in the whole entire world he's not a reliable source I'm going to Cardiff

I have a day in Cardiff all on my own booked into a hotel and I'm going to do a solo spa day all alone and I'm going to spend the day just getting knuckled to death

and reading I want a real page turner book like something I just like inhale in a day. Oh my God. Okay. Right.

And I don't know if you'll be into the same kind of books as me, but It Ends With Us is honestly one of like, I couldn't stop reading it. Like, you know, when you're just excited to go back to bed to read your book, that's the only place I ever read. And also she has another one because that one did so well. It's called It Starts With Us, but but it ends with us as the first one and it is honestly anyone listening if you want an amazing page turner book get stuck into that you won't be able to stop okay so much i can't wait to forget it more so i can read it again i'm watching i'm watching motherland again and i've forgotten it it's amazing i know

one more book one more book the heart's invisible fururies it's like it's kind of Irish-y based and it is so fantastic The Heart's Invisible Furies and when I I know when I post a book and like I get hundreds of messages

of people just being like I can't wait to like you're so lucky that you're just starting to read that and that book was one of the ones and it was amazing

amazing well I'm looking forward to have a whole day on my own I'm going to just stand under one of those mushroom fountains like I have been fantasizing about a spot every time I see a fountain now in a town square I'm like could I creep into it for half an hour just fucking submerge myself and walk out relaxed with a pocket full of coins I have been living for this day I

actually once this is so disgusting and it's when I lived in London when I was 18, when I did that radicourse, and I got absolutely hammered. I know, I got absolutely hammered. I went and swam in the fountain, is it at Leicester Square? And to say I stank, like that is like, I think that's where people just go to piss, honestly. You'd need a tetanus shot coming out of that thing I was absolutely oh god the smell of my clothes the next day and everything just like how is that even funny no that's not that's not relaxing

that's not what I want imagine like swimming in a fountain and getting out and putting on a tailed robe and just like lying by the side of the fountain that's what I want

I just want a day in a tailed robe and eating teeny tiny sandwiches anyway that's what I have planned for myself solo spa day delish oh my solo days are over's what I have planned for myself. Solo spa day. Delish. Oh, my solo days are over

on Saturday. I have to go back. I have to work so much. Oh, you're going to be back in St. Barts in January. I'm not. The plane is coming back doing a U-turn

and going back. I'm not coming back. That's the problem. I don't know when I'm coming back again. Probably sometime next year. But Theodore is now, Theodore's,

Theodore got into the school I wanted him to get into and to say I am thrilled about it I thought he didn't and now he's just gotten in on waitlist and like honestly it nearly brought me to tears yesterday I was so happy mainly because it's like five

minutes around the corner Gigi can go to it too oh god I'm so delighted about it was there a couple of what happened a couple of brown envelopes what happened no no brown envelopes he just got in we tried to veer away

Jo from anything to celebrity but there was two really good stories and it just happened that they involved celebrities now we try to balance it don't we

we do actually try to balance it we're like we can't be like we don't want to be pure celeb goss yeah it's not we're high brow we're basically we're David Attenborough high brow I'm not so sure about that um no you go with yours first we are low our brows are on the ground we're like people are standing on our brows are so low just dragging them along the ground that's honestly that's why I thought that that T wasn't going to get into a school. I was like, they must have listened to the podcast.

They must have listened to it and thought she is lowbrow. We don't want her in the school or her offspring. I honestly thought that was it as well. Well, anyway, he's in, so we're celebrating. Go on anyway, tell me. Well, my favorite story of this week, which I kind of did a bit of a deep dive on. Go on anyway, tell me. Well, my favorite story of this week,

which I kind of did a bit of a deep dive on. So Selena Gomez has allegedly fallen out with her organ donor, Francia. So basically Selena's promoting her documentary at the moment called My Mind and Me. So she's doing the rounds, doing all the PR stuff. Yeah. And she did an interview with Rolling Stone and Variety Magazine, maybe both.

Maybe the same thing, I don't know. Anyway, they were like, I wasn't really one of the cool kids in show business Taylor Swift is my only friend in the industry anyway in comes Francia who's an actress

they met like filming together who gave her a fucking organ going oh that's interesting and then Selena clapped back as they say

saying oh sorry I didn't mention everyone I know well she gave you a kidney you could give a little nod to her. And then Francia, apparently they did a bit of a look and doesn't follow Selina on Instagram or anything like that anymore.

So I went in and did just a little bit of reading, just a little bit of reading. I was like, what's the dirt here now? Because there's always more to it than you think. So apparently they've been falling out for a while since Francia gave her the organ see this is what i read as well and i want to hear your take on it so she was given out so it allegedly

started when francia saw selena drinking in a club like obviously this is why most organ donors are you know anonymous it'd be very hard to see your organ getting mad out of it at a session. You know what I mean? You don't want to see an organ that you donated and suddenly the person's on a 68 hour bender. Do you know what I mean? Excuse me? Excuse me, I would like my kidney back.

No, you're not doing it well. I want it back. Yeah. You're like, hold on a sec. But then it's like that thing. It's like if you give someone a land of money and then they're off on holidays and you thought it was for their rent.

I guess it's that thing where once you give an organ the organ is theirs you kind of have to just let them have the organ I always and if you're saying it about money I think if you're willing to lend somebody money you should be willing to lose that money because there is a strong chance that you won't get it back also with regards to the organ stop standing there judging her because she's having a drink you gave that organ away in your own free will the body has two kidneys for a reason i'm sure yes you can survive on one but it's probably not ideal i was thinking about this yesterday if i needed a kidney and you know much you absolute bitch well it would depend if you wanted fat for your ass I'd give you that Because I have loads of that But otherwise

You honestly wouldn't Give me a kidney If I was going to die You'd rather let me die So you could You could squirrel away Your two kidneys That you don't even need

Squirrel away your two Yeah you scabby bitch With your fucking two kidneys You don't even need The other one You never use it I'm always looking at you You're never even using your second kidney.

Of course. No, genuinely. Of course I would. Of course I would. You wouldn't be happy about it because no one wants to have to do that. But sometimes you just got to, you got to take the hit.

I'd be like, here's the kidney. Make sure and tag me in that post, please. I want to be tagged very clearly. Organ collab. I was saying like, if I gave you, and of course I'd give you an organ, of course I would. But I would want like my face tattooed on your back. Like I would want like when they say the way that she's saying, sorry, I didn't mention everyone I know. It's like, how many organs do you have belonging to other people, Selena?

Like how long was the list going to be that you didn't have time are you like oh thank you Lindsay Lohan for my corneas and Jessica Biel for my fingers like how many how many organs have you taken from other people I'm actually thinking you know the Oscars where they're saying their thank yous at the end and they have to get like the music oh I know I know yeah yeah get off the stage just a timber leg for my hair thank you thank you but I just think that like how long do you like you're very grateful

for the kidney of course you are but you have to be like so so like grateful for the rest of your life or can you not just accept that it's now

part of you and you've said thank you it's a weird dynamic that you're like I owe this person my life and I'm pissing out through one of her organs like it's a

you know it does kind of shift the dynamics slightly. How do you kind of fight with them about anything? It'd be very hard for Selena to kind of pull Francia up on anything. They're a canceling arrangement. Oh, I'm not arsed going to meet Francia for brunch. Really? Really?

You're not arsed meeting me for brunch? I fucking went into surgery for you. But you see, that's the way it read to me because I read up on it as well. into surgery for you but you see that's the way it read to me because I read up on it as well and it kind of read to me like she was just wanting like even like so what if your one is having a few drinks if Selina's having a few drinks it's fine like like that's her decision it's her body and it's not her body it's half of Francia's organs her organ is now in Selina's body so it's now Selina's organ yeah I guess there is a bit of

you can't I feel like this one's really holding it against her forever more because she gave her a kidney you didn't give her a liver you gave her a kidney okay there's a difference

right yeah as Dr. Vogue says we don't even know if people need their kidneys so yeah we're not even sure we'd like to see proof

that they're even essential because it sounds to us like you can just hand them out willy-nilly and everyone's grand. So how important can they actually be? They're like tonsils, you know? Don't need them. Get rid of them.

What's that other thing that we have? Appendix. Get rid of it. Yeah, get rid of it. Thumbs. Who needs them? Get rid of it. Do you know what?

I randomly met her once. Did you? I was at Australia's Got Talent years and years ago and Justin Bieber and her were there and she is like stunning she looks stunning not in real life but in real life she is like outrageously gorgeous this is the thing the Hollywood glitterati or whatever they're called because they're all so gorgeous when you put them together it kind of dilutes the gorgeousness but then when you see them in real life on their own, they're like gods.

They're like angels. Yeah, yeah, they really are. Like imagine what Kendall Jenner looks like up close. I was thinking actually, who would be your friends in Hollywood?

Like Selena only has Taylor. I think Taylor, I don't know if we'd be friends. She has a lot of friends, Taylor. We seem to be the only women in show business not friends with Taylor Swift. It's suspicious.

Jo, are you friends with Taylor? Is Taylor your friend in show? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. Everyone's friends with Taylor. We seem to be the only women in show business not friends with Taylor Swift. It's suspicious. Jo, are you friends with Taylor? Is Taylor your friend in show? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. Everyone's friends with Taylor. Who would you like to be friends with? I want to be friends. I'd be friends probably

with Amy Schumer. I'd say Kim Kardashian as well, obviously, because she can just give me all her cast offs. Who else? Khloe Kardashian I'd also be friends with.

You could wear Kim Kardashian's cast off. She's five foot two. Everything would be a tank top on you. You'd look ridiculous. Joanne, I'd also be friends with. You could wear Kim Kardashian's cast off. She's five foot two. Everything would be a tank top on you. You'd look ridiculous. Joanne, I like everything to be short

and skimpy like the supermarket girl thinks I wear all the time. Okay. You need tall friends. You need to be friends with NBA players. You can only hang out

with basketball players if you're looking for cast offs. tell us how you got on in the gym today let's see how did you do smashed it standard are you giving away

your organs when you die when you move when you pass on did you know that you can be compasta bubbles hold on compostable now compostable Are you giving away your organs when you die, when you pass on? Did you know that you can be compostable? Compostable, what do you mean? Yeah, so again, my facts are sketchy and non-existent, but usually either you get burnt in an oven or you get put in a coffin into the ground.

Whereas now they're making it legal in some places where they just put you in a compost bin and then use you to build plants they put you in with this special like this special concoction of uh wood chip and this kind of special sauce and then they cook you into a soil and you literally just become a plant i think that's a bit gross because then like we're eating the plants so then we're kind of being cannibalistic in a way no you're not you're not an asparagus you're like you're just soil for a plant like they just put you back into the earth you. Well no, you're not an asparagus. You're like, you're just soil for a plant. Like they just put you back into the earth.

You're basically, you're ashes to ashes, dust to dust, soil to soil, earth to earth. You're nature once more. You don't have to decompose in a box

or get burnt in it all. I think it would be easiest for people if you got burnt because then they could just like transport you to anywhere you want to go. Considering you want to go and live on a Caribbean island

for the end of your days, you'll have to get. Considering you want to go and live on a Caribbean island for the end of your days, you'll have to get burnt. I want to be sprinkled on your chicken salad. That's what I want in St. Bart's. I want to be taken to St. Bart's, but when I'm alive. Put me in an urn. And then you'd be like,

she's still alive. I'm like, I'm still alive. That little witch. My dying wish is to get buried in St. Bart's, but I want to go there first and have a look at the place, see what it's like, see where I I'm still alive. That little witch. My dying wish is to get buried in St. Barth's, but I want to go there first and have a look at the place, see what it's like, see where I want to get buried.

I think you'll be really happy when you see it. You'll be really happy when you see it. You won't be happy with the fruit, but that's okay. You'll be dead. You won't be needing that. Well, something else I would like to talk about. Yes. Avocados are over. No, they're not.

I had avocado this morning. They are not over. Vogue, I'm telling you now, if you order avocados, basically people have copped on that the carbon emission is so bad you might as well be setting fire to a fridge in the middle of a restaurant.

That's how bad they are. Shut up for an avocado. Yeah, and the markup on them is so high that apparently in Mexico the cartels are in on it now. So do you know the way posting a photo of an egg and an avocado on a Sunday used to be a kind of a basically you were kind of going I've got my

shit together and it was usually ex-ravers who kind of had rehabilitated themselves and now all they do is kind of go to food fairs on a Sunday and post photos of avocados but actually you're still financing the cartels you might as well be posting photos of bags of cocaine because they're still making money off it anyway now people are saying that because they're really bad for the environment they're on the way out so now if you order an avocado you might as well be turning up to brunch wearing a pair of culottes you're completely out of

fashion and making a show of yourself excuse me I've never claimed to be in fashion avocados are a very healthy source of fats they're delicious I had it this morning. Do you know what? They do need a bit of help though. You have to put salt in an avocado.

You can't just have it on its own. They have five times the carbon footprint of a banana. Okay, do you want, if I ever see you eating an avocado again, right? And I would like to say another thing. I don't love bananas.

I don't love bananas. I don't eat very many bananas. So my avocado in cake to banana ratio isn't that bad. I've seen you mill into avocados. I've got no kids, Vogue. You've got seven kids.

I've no kids. And I take that carbon footprint back and I put it into avocados. That's what I do. All right. So Joanne's telling the rest of us

not to eat avocados, but Joanne's going to continue to eat the delicious avocados. No, I genuinely, and do you know why I don't eat avocados really in the UK

that much? Because the restaurants, which I didn't realise why, it was only when I was reading about it the other day, do you know where they mush it up into like child's food? It's disgusting.

They like mush it up, like, do you know, kind of what do they call it? A crushed avocado. It's just, it's like, oh, it's gross. I'm like,

I can eat solid foods, I'm an adult. It's because, because they take so long to get here and because trying to get them ripe in the UK because they pick them early because they have to travel from so far that they're in such bad nick that they have to crush them up to make them edible because they're

rock hard because they've been picked too early no I would say in a restaurant the reason they crush them up is because they add a bit of lemon to it so it will last for longer once they take them out of the skin I'm telling you I read about it that's why they of the skin. I'm telling you, I read about it. That's why they're doing it. Yeah, I don't believe that. I don't believe that. Okay, this is where Vogue just denies science. Grant, deny science. Joan absolutely hates avocados. Who knew? Anyway, the point is that people thought they were doing

a good thing by not raving anymore and posting photos of avocados. You might as well be on a rollover in a crack den because you're still funding the Mexican cartels. But now you're doing it with fruit. But yeah, they're on their way out. According to a global food trend expert, which is obviously a ridiculous job,

but there you go. What was other foods? I remember everyone was into grapefruits. Like you did the grapefruit diet. Well, I never did, but my mum would have done that. Like where you had half a grapefruit. Of course you're going to lose weight

if you have half a disgusting grapefruit. Of course, I know. Basically, avocados are problematic now. They're the new fascism. They do. And I think they're going to go illegal and people will be literally going into toilet. You'll be coming out of the toilet cubicle

and be like, you've got a bit of green on your nose. Are you all right? You okay? Yeah. Grant, why? Joanne stayed up till two in the morning looking into avocados. Back off, bitch till two in the morning looking into avocados. Back off, bitch.

I'm going to eat my avocados. I'm not finished. Oh, Christ. Okay. If you order an avocado now in a restaurant, you might as well be wearing a squirrel as a scarf. People will look at you. It's very unethical.

You might as well be ordering. Those little things that had the head on it still, the scarf. What were they called? Minks or something? Yeah, the ferrets. Oh, gross. Yeah. Avocados are the new fur.

You heard it here first. Okay. Well, oh my God. Do you know what? Do you know the way I always joke, kind of half serious, that I'm going to get Winnie's head stuffed when he dies? Well, this family who own a golden retriever, right? They stuffed the whole dog.

They turned him into a rug so they didn't actually really stuff him. They sucked all of his insides out, left the head and everything and it's just a rug in their house, this golden retriever. I mean, it's gorgeous,

but like, I'm not going to turn Winnie into a rug. I thought that's a bit far. Although, Winnie's too small. He'd be more like a bath mat, really, wouldn't he?

He wouldn't be a rug. You'd have to really iron him to get a rug out of Winnie he's a tea towel Winnie would be a tea towel Winnie would be a great tea towel face cloth maybe

a face cloth a tea towel yeah that's actually worth looking into imagine though people just walk in oh your dog died

and it's just there lying on the ground you're like yes but he's still with us. Another thing I saw online that I found kind of interesting, and as well, because not that I'm moving to St. Barts, but Spenny and I had said that, oh, we could possibly do a year here. And I was just saying to him, how would I make friends? Like, how do you make friends? Then I saw this thing, Ellie Goulding is on Raya and she says she's there to make friends like how do you make friends then I saw this thing Ellie Goulding is is on Raya and she said she's there to make friends so what's the crack so was she stung for being on Raya and

she kind of defends herself or does it say on her profile here for friends do you know yeah she's like a here for friends on her profile but like I still think that that's like like where are where are her friends she probably travels a lot for work I only have my old friends really like I get some new friends along the way but like I wouldn't even know where to start to make friends here but then I thought my kids are a good way if I ever wanted to make friends here like you'd all you do is like you would just like ask for play dates and that's that's how you make friends. But I kind of understand it for Ellie because I would love more friends in the industry. I would love more writer friends even.

I would love to be friends with like Phoebe Waller-Bridge or Michaela Cole, but how do you, I don't know. How do you meet these women? You can't meet them. Also, I'm on Raya, but I was like, I couldn't even risk. I would feel more rejected. I would rather get rejected on Raya by some lad off Coronation Street than by like Lily Allen being her friend. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, I don't know. It's worse rejection. But people will only get in touch if they want to be friends. It was like Frederick, my brother, so embarrassing, but like fair play to him as well. I don't know if I've told the story on here. He was in Spain visiting my mom for Christmas and he was on his own and he went to the pub and there was these two guys

having a drink and he went over and he goes, do you mind if I join you? And they were like, no. As in, yeah, we do mind. Yeah, as in,

you're not sitting with us. And he had to just go slink off back to his table. How embarrassing. But fair play to him as well. At least he tried to make friends. But I couldn't handle that kind of rejection.

I'd be so, I'd have to like make the ground swallow me whole because I wouldn't be able for that. Isn't it so funny how you can go to a stranger in a bar and be like, do you want to come back to mine and ride? But it's more embarrassing to be like, do you want to be my friend? It's actually more embarrassing. It's like, because it shows a vulnerability I guess

and that's why the Ellie thing is so interesting because she's showing that she's kind of vulnerable or she's a bit exposed by saying yeah I'd like to have more friends Ellie I'm on Rhea

I'll be your friend Ellie I'm on I'm not on Rhea but I'll be your friend as well and I'm more crack than Joanne I thought Rhea was just to meet people I didn't realise I could be friends with Sophie Alice Baxter so that's why I'm more crack than Joanne I thought Rhea was just to meet people

I didn't realise I could be friends with Sophie Ellis Baxter so that's why I'm still on it Sophie any of the girls reach out feel free I think I'm going to go back on Rhea saying that Joanne like you say you want more friends but you're very busy with the friends that you have come on you just don't want more people to have to ignore on your phone don't do it

don't do it to yourself it's stressful once this tour finishes, who am I going to hang out with? Me. You're going to be in St. Bart's fucking riding tortoises down to the beach. I need a plan B.

We can go to St. Bart's together. There was a room for you this time, but you were working. I could give you my organ and continue to watch you live your life because you live very well if you gave me one of your organs

we'd never be able to see each other again because the way I treat it would keep you awake at night so I know that we're trying to steer clear of celebrity stuff too much but for some weird reason

I've been wanting this to happen and it's only gone and happened Irina Shayk and Bradley Cooper are back together all over each other kissing rubbing bums and stuff like that like rubbing each other's bums not rubbing their bums together but I'm sure they do that

too in public yeah he made a shit hit out of her over all that Lady Gaga

stuff I don't think him and Lady Gaga were together I guarantee that's why him and your woman broke up

for sure like the time it was around all that time it's like Lady Gaga and him were basically

fucking wanking over each other on stage in front of everyone else remember they were having all these intimate moments they were kind of staring each other like the time it was around all that time and like Lady Gaga and him were basically fucking wanking over each other on stage in front of everyone else remember they were having all these intimate moments they were kind of staring each other in the eye

do you remember you could have cut the sexual tension with the machete it was so intense it was allegedly I don't know 100% if that happened

are you Joe are you saying I have to say they were allegedly flirting yeah he might sue you Lady Gaga is she a big fan allegedly flirting yeah he might sue you Lady Gaga is she a big fan of the pod she might sue you

you don't want to get sued you don't want to get sued by Lady Gaga well I'm happy for Irina Shake and Bradley are back together I would just say

he mugged you off the last time so just watch your back no sorry that sounds like I'm threatening her I mean watch yourself watch your back Ir sorry that sounds like I'm threatening her I mean watch yourself watch your back

arena okay because Bradley's in my DMs and he's a gamey bastard oh god Bradley Cooper is such a ride

honestly I think he's one of the hottest men in the whole world do you not that's why I'm probably interested in this story

I'm actually surprised I'm happy for them I think it's because I know he's so he's so out of reach for me that I'm like okay you can have him not that I ever had a chance but I'm like I'll be happy for them I think it's because I know he's so he's so out of reach for me that I'm like okay you can have him not that I ever

had a chance but I'm like I'll be happy for you then fine it has to be anyone it could be her no that's nice that they're back together

but like I say wait till he's got a new leading lady huh he'll be back sprawled over her piano at an awards ceremony in front of everyone

making a show out of you again Irina I'll tell you this between you and me woman to woman once a slag always a slag Bradley's a slag you don't even know

if he's a slag you dirty little bitch a slag doesn't change their spots a spotty slag will always be a spotty slag but did you not

used to be a spotty slag I used to be a little bit of a spotty slag for some time. Well, I never worked with Lady Gaga. I never had the opportunity, but I'm just saying. I wasn't spread across some woman's piano with my ass cheeks open in front of the whole world on the Oscars

or wherever they were, making a show out of my brain. I wouldn't like to be you if Lady Gaga's little monsters, whatever they call themselves, fans, come after you. That is like a world of pain. I wouldn't fuck to be you if Lady Gaga's Little Monsters, whatever they call themselves, fans come after you. That is like a world of pain. I wouldn't fuck with Taylor Swift. I wouldn't fuck with Lady Gaga because I don't need that abuse in my life.

Love you, Lady Gaga. I love you, Taylor Swift. I don't think we're on their radar. Oh, those fans will hunt you down. Same with Justin Bieber as well. I think it's fair to say that Vogue is riding on a horn just in case any of the one of you fanatics

want to know and Harry Styles she's riding them both Joanne's having sex with Zayn and what's the other one called what is his name

Louis Joanne's having sex with Zayn and Louis Zayn and Louis I am I love it I love leaking my own stories it's the way to do it

like a snail Harry Styles would absolutely get it. Thank you for listening. That's been the podcast. And don't forget, keep sending your emails into hello

at mtgmpod.com and also tickets. That's been the podcast. Joanne, do you know what? Your ins and outs are so shit. And the reason we find ourselves here is because of you. That's been the podcast Joanne do you know what Your ins and outs are so shit And the reason we find

Ourself here Is because of you And you took it away That's been the podcast You took it away from Joe And he loved doing The ins and outs And you said no

Okay bye everybody We're off to Strangle Joanne It was lovely to be here With you today And actually it would just be me On my own Bye Well I've got very powerful friends

I don't know if you've heard But me and Ellie Gelding Just matched on Rhea and we've already been spotted painting the town red and showing our exes what they're missing. So, we're all out

with the Daily Mail. Whatever. Don't need you anymore. Bye.