My Therapist Ghosted Me - Pat's Pizza Party!

Episode Date: July 7, 2023

There are those who set the trends and the rest of us just follow. Joanne's Mum is showing us all the way, when it comes to entertaining in the garden this year. Plus, Vogue has been party shamed and some daft fella was arrested for defacing The Colosseum. If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] review Global's Privacy Policy: https://global.com/legal/privacy-policy/MTGM is going on tour in Ireland & The UK! For tickets, merch and more, visit mytherapistghostedme.comFor more information about Joanne's gigs, visit www.joannemcnally.comThis episode contains explicit language and adult themes that may not be suitable for all listeners.Thank you!

This is a Global Player Original Podcast. Her with the new hair, Joanne McNally. And you with the new hair also, no? Have you not got new hair? I think we spoke about this, so it's been a while. I'm going to chop it all off now, bored. You only got those extensions in like 48 hours ago. No, I wait for six weeks until they're about to fall off my head. And then I cut them short. I take most of them out and I only leave a couple in.

I was just down in Ciarán Lambert's getting my little front pieces put in because, as we all know, I'm balding at the front. Yeah, absolutely. She's not. I am. It's all broken off. I'm on these

nettle tablets now and all. But, um, so what, because I'm filming something next week so I just like to have the front pieces put in. Like, it's like, um, I can't comb over it.

It's like I have a little, little, two little wigs at the side. A hairpiece. A touch of a toupee. Nothing wrong with that. A toupee. That's what it is. Just our two toupees just hanging down at the side. I just have touch of a toupee nothing wrong with that a toupee that's what it is

just like two toupees just hanging down at the side I just have toupees all over my head then Lina's like what's that in your hair mammy what's that in your hair

I'm like no business I came home to my house in Hoth and my bedroom's like a graveyard there's about 20 dead flies and I've just seen

there's bones outside because obviously on my balcony I'm just looking there's these big bones but seagulls are so seagulls I'm telling you it's bones outside because obviously on my balcony, I'm just looking at these big bones. But seagulls are so, seagulls, I'm telling you, it's the seagulls, Joanne. They eat animals and then they just throw the bones on my balcony. They don't give a shit.

Do you know, our friends live in this apartment that's like 20 floors up. And there's a, there's a rogue falcon who basically batters the pigeons and goes and clutches a pigeon grabs it and then eats it to death and they had theatre out there they were like wait we might see the falcon

and all he goes on about is the falcon killing the pigeons now it's the circle of life baby this is true do you know what I mean speaking of flies my mother

was up in her house last night because she had a pizza party more of that later And She She's after getting a pizza oven Anyway She has this

Blue electric fence For the flies That she keeps in the kitchen And that you hear them Kind of go And they go Zzzz When they get electrocuted to death

So it's kind of like A little session It's just like Zzzz Zzzz Zzzz It's like a little ray I'm going to get one of those

Hanging sticky things So all the flies can just go to that I'd rather that Like You don't hear them die It's like having your pizza party On death row You're like

I don't need to hear the flies Being electrocuted to death Anyway my mum She's so cute You know the way she loves a gadget And we call her Inspector Paget She went She went

You have to explain that You have to explain that You have to explain that Because I know her name Well her name's Her name's Pat It's like Inspector Gadget So we call her Inspector Padgett Like she

She was the first I believe she was the first woman In Ireland to have A rotating electric Mascara wand If my facts are correct I don't even know that they existed I thought you were going to say

An air fryer I was like well that's a big Talking a big game She bought an air fryer Back was like well that's a big Talking a big game She bought an air fryer Back when they first came out When they were six grand Like she like Saved up

Bought an air fryer Now they're kind of 20 quid They're 140 I was perusing one today Are they? Yeah 140 Very competitive prices You can't put a price on an air fryer in life

You just can't Like it changes everything It will change how you live And eat Joanne Joanne have want Have you Have you ever used an air fryer I've seen it

I've seen it I've I've seen people put things in Them and take The things out When they're cooked And it looks very impressive Lovely chip

You love chips Yeah Chips Chicken Full of chicken You can put in there I did meet a woman today We were talking about an air fryer

And she said that she doesn't even Use her oven anymore She only uses the air fryer Are we sponsored by an air fryer And she said that she doesn't Even use her oven anymore She only uses the air fryer Are we sponsored by an air fryer This week What's going on She's not So she

Mum's like My mother She'd go out Like she'd go out for one thing And come home with something else Do you know what I mean She'd go out for a baked pan And come home with a barbecue

Or whatever Do you know So she went out To buy I don't know Domestos or something And she came back With a pizza oven Now she was like I'm having a pizza party I she came back With a pizza oven Now She was like

I'm having a pizza party I'm out to buy a pizza oven And I was like Alright great I assumed it was going to be Those gorgeous Kind of chimney Stack pizza ovens

Yeah It's not It's basically just A pan for the garden So it's like This isn't an authentic Italian experience It's just

Like a frying pan That sits on a On the barbecue On a table in the garden No it doesn't even go in here At the barbecue Oh Anyway we all got stuck in

We were queuing up Throwing on the Domayo And the cheese It was great crock Fair play to my pizza party Do they work out well? Yeah Now you know I don't really eat pizza

But I had a taste It was lovely She made me a spatchcock chicken From scratch In the air fryer Of course in the air fryer She made it from scratch She raised the thing And everything She's like I'm gonna cook you chicken from scratch. In the air fryer? Of course in the air fryer. She made it from scratch. She raised the thing and everything.

She's like, I'm going to cook you chicken from scratch. I was like, go on. It's going to take you a couple of years. I've never known someone to eat so much chicken as Joanne McNally. Honestly. I suppose you don't have a beak. No. A little claws.

I was in, as I was saying, I was in Dunn's today. I was doing a job. And basically I stole again. What are you doing? Are you working the tills? What, I was in Dunn's today. I was doing a job. And basically, I stole again. What are you doing? Are you working the tills? What are you doing in Dunn's? I was doing something with Ferry. And I got really hungry during the job.

And because I was in the supermarket and I was just used to doing, back in my stealing days, I'd meant to pay for them. But I basically picked up just a giant bag of hunky-dory's and I just ate the buffalo ones. And I brought them up to the office. They didn't leave the building But I didn't pay for them I think that's fine

It's fine If you ingest on the move It's fine Yeah Like what are you going to do Shit it out for the guards It's gone Do you know what I mean

There's no going back now And just say If you get stung You just say what all Celebrities say You say you were Researching for a rel Yes

Winona I was researching for a rel yeah poor Winona she really got stung that time at least she was doing high end robbing

Winona's grand she's had a research now she's like imagine being done for stealing a packet of buffalo hunky dories though like that's just I was well

I was arrested for stealing a baguette a baguette yeah it could happen to you too, Vogue. Yeah, they'll be up to the guards. They'll be up to my gaff in no time.

No one's above the law. All right. No one's above the law. Joanne, tell me about your week. My week. I love, I love when you put your week in the, in the pod doc. I just, I love it. Cause I'm like, she's got something in there.

It just says had to be done oh yes I just put Vogue's week is like this really detailed itinerary about everything it reminds me of two lines one says trying to buy a vape and the other says had to be done because I was laughing I did my last two Vicar's Streets last weekend and um usually after the Vicar's Street like there'd be a couple you'd be tagged in bits and bobs like stories

as you know Vogue from doing the Ghosted live shows people are very they're very kind and they're very sound and they say nice things in photos they tag you in stories

so someone was like oh yeah there's a couple of stories that sound they'd really enjoy the show blah blah blah and then someone else just posted a photo of me on stage

and then just wrote underneath had to be done it's like not I enjoyed it not that I had a blah, blah, blah. And then someone else just posted a photo of me on stage and then just wrote underneath, had to be done. It's like, not I enjoyed it. Not that I had a, not that I had a nice night out. Just like, it just had to be done.

Had to be fucking done. Jumped on the bandwagon. I was like, thank you. Everyone else was doing it. Like, I'd be the same. I felt like I had to go.

I didn't have a choice. I had to go. Everyone's doing it. Didn't sound like they wanted to go. They just had to go. Had to be done I was like thank you like I'm a smear test

do you know what I mean like I'm just like like a tax return had to be done yeah thank you buddy thank you I'm glad you enjoyed the show do come back again

do come back again so that's that's Prosecco in Ireland done for the moment anyway for the moment I reckon we can resurrect Prosecco in Ireland done for the moment anyway for the moment I reckon we can resurrect Prosecco but you know what

actually in fairness I might I might drag it out from the grave again only because I honestly and I don't know where the fuck

they're coming from but I still get messages from people looking for tickets I'm like and you love you love being in Vicar Street

I love being in Vicar Street I love being in Vicar Street I love doing the show so I might do like a Christmas special and me and Garell will perform Jingle Bell Rockers

do you know what though the show changes so much because I saw what have I seen it three times and like loads of I was like she didn't say this

the first time around it kind of evolves as your life goes on it evolves but you see it can't evolve too much because I have to write another show

so I want to save that any fresh thoughts yeah any thoughts in there at all yeah

I'll tell you I'll be listening back to this podcast Jo I'm going to hire you to transcribe every single episode of the podcast we've ever done

if there's any gags in there we can use for the next show which will be either called Pino Camino or Pino Psycho

Or Sauvignon Slut That's a good name for a show Oh I like Sauvignon Slut Sauvignon Slut's good isn't it Yeah But you don't drink Sauvignon So it doesn't feel very on brand It's not a TED talk

There is room for poetic license I just like And I used I used to drink Sauvignon And then it was like I had a head injury I just woke up one day And I could no longer

Drink it I just The taste of it just woke up one day And I could no longer Drink it I just The taste of it Just made me want to gag So bizarre Overdosed on salt I was pregnant So I moved to Pino

And I've been drinking that Throughout the That's all pregnancy And I Feel great actually Mummy and baby Doing very well Loving the vino

I had Sheeshie's party this week Did you see her at her party? Little sheeshie Did I see her at her what like I would have just put myself in the background and called it my 40th

I've never seen such a spread Joanne thank you so much because that was actually in terms of London parties so they went to I did She She's Party on our balcony

and we had a really nice day and I thought I did a really good job they went to a party the next day it was in a really fancy hotel in London. The adults were having truffle pizza. And the kids came home with a party bag.

I'm not joking. It was an actual school bag. Like T had a Spider-Man one. He had a full-size Batman man. What are they called? Figurine. A full-size Flash figurine. A book.

I sent them home with a lunchbox I got for seven pounds on Schmiggle or whatever it's called. Schmiggle. Is that what it's called? Is it called that?

I don't think there's an S-H. I think it's just Schmiggle. Schmiggle. I thought it was a German brand. Schmiggle. You've gone all, very Sean Connery. Schmiggle.

I thought it was Schmiggle. Sorry, but who gone up Very Sean Connery Schmegel I thought it was Schmegel Sorry but Who are your kids mixing with? Like where was the party? I don't know but That sounds like I'd gone out in a high On the Saturday

I even had a few drinks After the party Because I thought to myself Well done Vogue Well done And then they arrived home And I got told about The truffle pizza

And the giant party bags And I thought Now I feel embarrassed It's too much you can't be sending your kids home from parties like they've been to Santa's Grotto

do you know what I mean like it's supposed to be a fucking bun in a bag that's what it's supposed to be well I asked Theodore I said well Theodore which party was better and that little traitor

Judas said this one I thought get out of my get out of this house you're not you're not getting a party September 5th forget about it

nothing imagine your child coming home with a Svorsky crystal in a bag this is all ahead of you now get out of this house you're not getting a party September 5th forget about it nothing imagine your child coming home with a Swarovski crystal in a bag this is all ahead of you now a Swarovski a Swarovski Swarovski

a Swarovski or a or a box of Schmiggle I don't wear crystals so I don't know a Swarovski that's what it's called a Swarovski a Swarovski

urine urine oh yeah Winnie Peg anyway that's too much pressure I'll be honest that's too much pressure I'll be honest That's too much pressure

On parents having parties Like simplicity is key That's what I've done I've done tea parties At home most of the time Because like We're in the house in Ireland Like you're just having

Cups of tea and coffee I might get an old Croissant in for the parents The kids go home With a little small party bag That I've picked up In Super Queen like you know basic shit like what what's the point of hiring like you need to lower your children's expectations I have this theory if I had a child I I've told you this before I would put it in a bag until it was about eight or nine until it

realizes what it's wearing and I would would take, just basic, basic shit. No presents, none of that shit. That's not true. No, they don't remember. You would be so outrageous with your child. You'd find stuff. I wouldn't. You would.

You'd find cute outfits and stuff and you wouldn't be, look at you, look at you do for Audrey's baby. Do you know if I had a child, I would time it. I would either take it out earlier or keep it in longer

and I would make sure that I had the same birthday as Gigi so every every year the child would be flown over to your balcony

to celebrate his birthday for free and we'd have all the whatever you've organised I'd even add a shmiggle water bottle to go with the lunchbox

we were talking about this at my Pat's pizza party To go with the lunchbox We were talking about this At my Pat's pizza party She had jalapenos And everything She got And we're all cute enough To cook our pizza

What does Pat have on her pizza? She had Well obviously She was busy hosting So she She did have a pizza But I think I think she cooked a few of them

Because she kept losing them Around the garden She's a classic pizza bitch. So she's like sweet corn, cheese, peppers, jalapenos, like three olives kind of like fully formed, just like bubbling around the top. Two minutes back inside in her pizza oven. Very impressive.

Anyway, we somehow went down memory lane about children's parties also, coincidentally. And we remembered one year when Connor, we were, somehow went down memory lane about children's parties also, coincidentally. And we remembered one year, Gwen Connor, my brother, one of his birthday parties, I don't know what he ate,

he was like nine or something. Anyway, she cooked a pair of knickers into his cake. Yeah, it's like, you know the ring in a brack? Yeah.

She just took it to completely. How knickers though? Where did the knickers come from? Were they clean? I said to her, you cooked the knickers into from? Were they clean? I said to her, you cooked the knickers into the cake. She goes, I didn't. I said, you didn't.

She goes, they were boxers actually. And I was like, right, okay, grand. It wasn't like she cooked a suspender into his cake, but she did cook a pair of jocks and wrapped them in tinfoil and cooked them into the center of the cake. Why? Nobody knows.

I don't even know. Nobody, even on reflection. She actually said, I have no idea why I did that quote unquote because I was a bit mad wasn't I a bit of a mad woman

mad bitch I once cooked Spenny well a delicious pavlova for his birthday cake but I cooked him what are they called

moussaka because he was really into moussaka I'm not a fan of aubergine anyway I got this special slicer for the aubergine I made a real effort I bought myself a blender of aubergine anyway I got this special slicer for the aubergine I made a real effort

I bought myself a blender but the blender was brand new I didn't see the plastic that was in the blender so I chucked the onions in it blended the plastic with the onions

and then it all went into the oven and it was delicious until someone pulled a piece of plastic out of their mouth it was like plastic

I just no one could eat it then the whole thing was absolutely ruined one of the first dinners Alan cooked for me and last I'd have to say and he just moved into

his new house and he was frying vegetables I can't remember anyway he didn't realise you can't use those plastic spatula anyway

I was like what's all this rubber shit basically the plastic spatula had dissolved into the thing yeah and he was trying to convince me it was just like a bit of whatever like a kind of a rough bit of mushroom and I was like dude this is this is full-blown plastic this will like kill you we laughed couldn't be as bad as those summer rolls that you made him one time remember do you remember them it looked like you'd thrown a load of vegetables into a condom. Into a condom, yeah.

Listen. I just. Who cares? I'm very sexually aware. She was posting them. Well, I don't like using condoms. We have to use them up somehow. I don't like waste.

If it means turning them into a summer roll, that's what I'll do. a skill it's that wet rice paper there's a skill you know that you get a notion sometimes and you buy a bit of you buy a bit of sesame oil you know what I mean you think you're living your best Asian life anyway they they did look like they kind of look like well yeah they looked like an organ didn't they they looked like they looked they really looked maybe a bit of satay sauce it might have been all right no that only would have made that would have made it look a lot a lot worse it was just i put too i over i put too much veg in and didn't chop the veg up large enough or sorry small enough and then when i wrapped the rice well yeah and they're all like falling out the back and all it was it it was an epic fail as the kids would say I wouldn't say

We're not cooks We don't We're not I'm saying that We're not cooks I'm cooking tonight I'm cooking steak For my whole family tonight

Here I don't know We probably won't be able to use Because obviously the podcast Or the podcast is Audible and not visual But do you remember These two little dolls

Yeah where's mine Stealing stuff from me again That's you I know but why That's you I don't have it She This woman I can't remember who she is I don't have it She knit This woman

I can't remember who she is I can't remember her name now God I should have kept the card With the dolls She knitted me and Vogue And em I'm wearing a little pink jumpsuit And I'm holding a bottle of

I believe Prosecco Yeah And Vogue is here In her little blue dress Holding a little glass of Milk or cocaine I'm not sure It's just a white bag

I'm hoping it's milk me too I was trying to get a rumour started but yeah there we go now did you by any chance did you by any chance

see Spencer's stories of him at my kids sports day no you didn't see them did you see them Jo oh by the way we should explain

Jo is on mute because he's uh micromanaging us today from a shared workspace so we don't want to hear and he only he only paid two pounds an hour so they're it's really not very good audio but really what happened was we did we asked for feedback on the podcast and everyone said they wanted joe to shut up so we've cut him yeah yeah joe's out for good out Joe good luck just do some pretend laughs and add them in Joe you can do that

yeah ha ha ha Spano and the sports day fill me in so we had to go to sports day and like I really I'm not a sprinter I'm not a sprinter

okay I never said I was I did not win the mother's race but Spenny I've never seen somebody look so serious in my life to the point where when he was running it he did the hands

back head forward thing like Linford Christie and he Oh my god That is so embarrassing Theodore won his race. Do you think he told anyone about Theodore winning his race? It's been all about Spenny winning the dad's race Look at the first video he sends to his parents

Him winning the dad's race. Look at the first video he sends to his parents. Him winning the dad's race. Doesn't even doesn't even doesn't even get a video of Theodore Sheetie won the potato and spoon race. No mention of that. No, no, no.

Oh my God. She was so crap. Why am I not surprised? I'm surprised. I'd say Spencer was like shaving his body to improve his speed For months in advance

Of the sports day He was in full That's what he's like Full sports gear But he was going around To all the parents And to the teachers Being like

Oh Vogue's been training For this Vogue's And I was like Honestly That's not funny Stop doing And he's like Yeah she's been training

For ages for this She knew this was coming up I'm like And then I literally Didn't come I'm a large person To get in the move I'm tall

You have a very wide gait. Did you try the hurdles? I would be good at the hurdles. You'd be great. You wouldn't even notice you were going over them. No, I wouldn't. Just be walking normally. Just running normally.

You'd just be walking around and then someone would give you a medal. You'd be like, what? What was that? You'd be like, you just came first at the hurdles there. Did you not notice? You just,

you just leapt over 60 fences high jump I was great at because again I just walked over the pole I didn't know that anything

was happening straight onto this cosy mat I'm not doing it next year I don't want to get involved I'm not

I'm there to watch my kids I'm not there to be competitive don't want to be shown up by a girl in sandals

no less sandals she was wearing and she won I was in my assics nothing I wonder could I join a it's the only I guarantee it's the only sporting event By a girl in sandals, no less. Sandals. She was wearing and she won. I was in my Asics. Nothing. I wonder could I join a...

It's the only... I guarantee it's the only sporting event I have a chance of winning if I went to a children's sporting day. Now, I've seen you on your runs. Remember that one time we went for a run? I'm not really sure it was a run. How could I forget?

How dare you? I kept moving the whole time. I thought we were running I didn't realise we were walking most of the time I was like if I hop in one of those

swan peddlers and get right over the other end of Battersea Park is she going to know us even Winnie was looking behind being like are you okay

and I was like shut up Winnie little judgy face on him he is a judgmental dog we know that about Winnie oh look I've just got my room key look voosh

see they all call me voosh now ah vooshy voosh voosh I'll tell you one thing I'm getting very good at though

What? The Peloton I am terrible at the Peloton I think it's too hard 45 minutes Banging it out Every day No

Not every day Now is it a 45 minutes Like you do in my house Or have you improved since then? Excuse me? Joanne I've been down You're on your phone

You might as well bring your book On there with you I'm only on the phone For the warm up and the warm down. And if there's important business to take care of on the phone. Alan has me on this pre-workout stuff. Oh, I know it. Yeah. Great for a night out.

Alan has me on some sort of performance enhancing drug. Just called Opsynox or something. I just can't stop moving. It's full of caffeine. I should have taken that on sports day. That's why I didn't win. I can't stop moving. It's full of caffeine. I should have taken that on sports day. That's why I didn't win. I wasn't caffeinated. Next year, Vogue,

so you don't make a holy shower yourself. Start the roids early in the season. Okay, that will work. So by the time the egg and spoon race comes around, you're built like a brick shithouse. They won't know what's coming. They won't be getting your way. I'll be taking off my runners,

taking off my socks. I'll be ready. I'm going to go down on off my runners Taking off my socks I'll be ready to I'm going to go down on my knees For a ready set go Yeah Just eating nine chicken breasts Before you go Just like with your bare hands

Proteined eggs Down and just like raw eggs Ready to go They better watch out Yeah What's the prize? Oh Is your school

Is it one of those School sports days Where everyone gets a prize for competing I don't know because like Gigi did she got her certificate say she came first in the no I don't think they all did get one now because she only won the the potato and spoon race so she got her certificate say she won the potato and spoon race T got a couple of certificates he's a bit more sporty than Gigi but I don't know they might have been handing them out willy-nilly to all the other kids and I don't think that's right I don't I want my kid to lose so so it understands

the importance of winning that's the point you have to like T was obsessed with winning and I was like well you might win but like try to win and I'm not going to say oh it's just about competing because it's not try and win it's a race it's not about competing try and win the race if you don't win the race that's grand you're useless you've got time now Gigi's shy at sports there's no fixing that now you've got time you can start your baby

on the roids now Gigi I wouldn't say she's shy at sports she's just so I would lazy I would

I've seen her I would say that I bring her to nursery they tell us to stop bringing them on buggies at certain ages so like

I'm like Gigi why? because she needs to buggies at certain ages. So I'm like, Gigi. Why? Because she needs to scoot. We don't live far away. And I'm like, okay, Gigi, we're going to scoot. She comes out of her house like a bat out of hell. And then we get about 20 meters and she starts whinging. I've had to get a rope for her scooter to just drag her the rest of the way

because she won't scoot at all. She'll just cry and whinge. So I'm like, oh God, I'll just drag you. Gigi knows, even at her young age, she knows full well she wasn't born into a family, like a life of scooting. That's not going to be her life. Gigi was born to be laid out in a chaise longue and fed.

Yeah. You want to say? Gigi, she's got a life of gout ahead of her not of vicious exercise and fucking sports that sounds like quite a nice life to be fair

she's got she's about three jewellery boxes now full of jewellery she's gone around like Mr T she's just got like about 20 chains

on all these bracelets and sitting there with her sunglasses she's got the she's got the best life can't wait to ride them very funny story I've been reading about me and Vo got a great kick out of this Jo I know no one can hear Jo but um so I didn't realize what was happening so first

firstly there was a story going around that someone had thrown their mother's ashes up on stage when Pink was on stage right I'm sorry but I'm writing it into my will if I'm not thrown up on stage in a sandwich bag after my death

who do you want to be thrown at great question Val because I as we know don't really like music so I could see myself being thrown up on stage

at a TED talk or just like get the bag of dust and just literally I'll take my hand in and throw it so it doesn't get thrown back

Maybe a chat about Tooting Camus Something like that Some big like Egyptian academic They're just I just want folk there I just want you to throw

A sandwich bag Of my ashes up I just I just That's what I want That's what I want I'll bring it to the bitamids I'll bring it to the bitamids

No no no It has to be into Someone's face on a stage Okay It has to It has to be Some kind of assault Around that no

Anyway I'll do it for you I'll do it for you Yeah you could You could call it an assault Yeah you could But what are they going to do Arrest me I'm dead So anyway

It's dust Then the next story I saw about Pink Someone was handing her A big wheel of cheese Onto the stage So I was like What is going on

Is this like a pink thing? And then, then it all got very serious because I think it was actually before. Bebe Rexha with the, Yes. Yeah, someone threw a phone on her face. She got five stitches or something.

Yeah. And then there's another woman called Ava Max that someone smacked in the face on stage and another woman called Kelsa Ballerini that someone threw a bracelet at her face on stage and it scratched her eye so anyway then i was down went

down this hole there's a really good article in rolling stone magazine about this trend of throwing stuff on stage but one thing that those three women have in common apart from surviving a live assault which my heart goes out to them i'd never heard of them before Okay Pink My ignorance No not pink The three ones after Oh yeah yeah yeah okay Eva and Kelsey

I'd never heard of them And I was like oh my god I'm I know Listen we're always looking for a way To sell more tickets If anyone wanted to Gently assault myself

Or Vogue At a live event Something I can see Joe's face Something gentle Gentle Don't smack Just throw something soft

Like a Veruca sock Would be fine A Veruca sock Would be fantastic Now Cher Lloyd Had piss thrown at her Please don't throw piss at me I would not enjoy that

Well No That's why people Promoters Or security Don't let people Bring in lidded Like they take the lids

Off their plastic bottles Because there is a trend Of people throwing piss Like how could you Just throw piss At someone David Bowie Had a lollipop thrown at him Once and it nearly blinded him Like they take the lids off their plastic bottles because there is a trend of people throwing piss. Like how could you just throw a performance and piss at someone? David Bowie had a lollipop thrown at him once and it nearly blinded him.

Kanye West had coins thrown at him, didn't he? And he stopped the concert. That was in Dublin as well. Someone's throwing money at him. Apparently it's a TikTok trend. Apparently that's where it's coming from. And people are like, oh, people don't know how to behave since lockdown.

I'm like, we just sat inside for a couple of years. We didn't regress the stage in evolution. You should still know how to behave at a concert people throw shit on stage yeah but people have been doing it for years Ozzy Osbourne had

what he thought was a rubber bat thrown at him he bit the bat's head off obviously it's a real bat yeah how could you not acke my eye

had to get a rabies shot and all stop where'd your man get the bat how do you sneak a bat in I did see a man walking through Sloane Square

with a falcon on his wrist. I'm not joking. This was yesterday. I would pay money. Now, obviously, a pinch of salt and all that. But imagine you'd done something similar. I'd love if you were involved in a scandal

where you bit the head off something really low rent, like a ferret or... A ferret? Oh, I do have a big mouth in fairness. Is that why you're saying ferret? No. Ferret or a goat ferret? Oh, I do have a big mouth in fairness. Stop. Why are you saying ferret? No. Ferret or a goat.

Just a goat in the mouth. Like a killer whale. She just like snapped the head off in one go. I just swallowed an elephant on stage. No, something funny like a pigeon or something. And then you're like that girl, you know. The pigeon girl. Oh my God, I heard she bit the head off a pigeon one day, yeah you're like That girl you know The pigeon girl Oh my god I heard she bit

The head off a pigeon one day Yeah You'd bite the head off a chicken You love them so much You wouldn't care I wouldn't do it You absolutely wouldn't Tom Jones used to have

Hotel room keys Thrown at him Come back to mind vibes I don't think I would have Fancy Tom back in the day now I know that's controversial I just don't think I would have banged him

I don't Little Nass had a sex toy Thrown on stage at him Which I was that's controversial I just don't think I would have banged him I don't Little Nass had a sex toy thrown on stage at him which I was like it could have just been that it was on a high mode and just you know

flew out of her hand yeah that's also you know maybe he shouldn't flatter himself by saying that someone threw a sex toy at him

it could have been someone bored at his concert and she just turned it up a notch too much and the thing fucking flew out of her hand Well you do get those ones with switches now

You know you put it up and you can give the switch to anyone you want And they just do it for you Yes remember we tried that folk it was great crack We did I had you on switch for a while And then we swapped over And they were like maybe this is too much A little rinse in the sink oh can we talk about the man that you sent in that um the british tourist that carved his name into the coliseum so this is why the earth will never last right this is it's not gonna last

we just can't respect Anything Well I was all up on my high horse About it right And I was like Oh my god Like what a twat Like how could you possibly Think that's okay

Apparently he's shitting himself now Because They found him And they're saying that he could Go to prison And get a huge fine Which he should do But then

Do you remember There was an Irish guy Done for doing the same thing At the Coliseum Years ago Yeah So this guy Is not the first To try and scratch his name But then, do you remember there was an Irish guy done for doing the same thing? At the Coliseum? Years ago. Yeah. So this guy is not the first to try and scratch his name into the Coliseum.

Yeah. There was an Irish guy found. I don't know how. God, what I suppose. They're thick criminals. They're literally. Your mom probably fucking sketched in his air coat. I don't know what he did, but they found him anyway.

And yeah, I think they find him two grand. Two grand is a lot though though just go to the Paris Bridge with your little lock and just stop wrecking everything imagine going to the Taj Mahal and getting out a compass Juwan was here going yeah that seems like

a normal thing to do sound there was a there was a there was a Chinese teenager who ruined some hieroglyphics in Egypt

it's one of Egypt's greatest national treasures. That was in 2013. What did he do? I don't know what he did to them. He ruined them, it says basically. He ruined them. It's literally like scratch your name into the Rosetta Stone.

You're ruining history. Stop doing it. A Danish YouTuber simulated sex with his girlfriend at the top of the pyramids of Giza. I suppose it's disrespectful to your friend. Toots. Yeah, Toots. I don't think Toots would appreciate that. But now Toots was buried with an erect penis.

So I think that's quite rude. It's our favourite fact. Yeah. It's our favourite fact. One of the only ones that we know about him. Two British tourists, I remember this, stole a penguin from an Australian zoo in 2012. To what end? It was like, I once dragged home a traffic cone.

Like, it was a long walk home. I was living in Balali at the time. And I don't know, like, it was very, it was a long walk from where I was going and I took an entire traffic cone. Why? I don't know. Because you're a mad bitch I'm a thug

but a penguin you're rock and roll you're the Damon Albarn of hoax but robbing a penguin so at what stage did they like did they give up did they how far

how did they get it out I have a lot of questions so two men three men actually they are were facing charges This is in 2012 They stole a penguin

From SeaWorld On the Gold Coast of Australia And then they started Bragging about it online The penguin was called Dirk He was one of the park's 29 penguins

And he was found This is This is terrible Now Found under Don't say he died No but he was found Under the pier

On Sunday night Really scared But he wasn't hurt The poor little penguin terrible now found under don't say he died no but he was found under the pier on sunday night really scared but he wasn't hurt the poor little penguin there's a picture of dirk uh he's tiny like he would he looks like it could fit in your pocket but penguins have like a special like oil on their skin and everything so you're not meant to be like touching them toxic masculinity at its finest he could have been eaten by a shark in the water oh dear because he was found

by the sea he was he was born in captivity no I meant the accent okay sorry do your Australian accent go on

there's a shark in the water don't I sound Australian do your English accent yeah go on I'm so bad

I really can't do accents I really really can't neither do accents I really really can't neither can I I really really can't I love a nibble a nibble that's what you want suggestion

garden nibbles that's what you want garden nibbles garden nibbles okay suggestion garden nibbles that's what you want garden nibbles garden nibbles okay I have a new job for us oh

and it's because that's just what we need Joanne and I actually sent each other this at the same time it was that Twitch star who makes

11 grand by streaming herself sleeping She can make up to 15 thousand dollars A night By live streaming Herself sleeping What's the catch?

Like what is she doing? She literally Is setting up a camera In her room And she goes to sleep It was like that time That you left your camera on And Joe could have seen you

Doing whatever you were doing At night time But you didn't charge him She gets 10 to 15 grand A night to have people watch her sleep. But I'm assuming they think it's a snuff film or something. They think something's going to happen. Like, why would you just watch someone sleep? Do they find it calming?

Is it like kind of white noise? I don't really know. But people are just into different things. Maybe people get off on that. Is it a sexy sleep? Is she moaning? What is it a sexy sleep what is she is she moaning what is it

is it just literally an innocent sleep I don't think she's wearing like earplugs and an eye mask I think she's trying to do like a semi sexy sleep I went into my bathroom

last night and I looked at myself and I had an eye mask on and two green earplugs hanging in my ears and I was like poor Spencer like poor Spencer

so he has to sleep beside that's why I think couples should have a partition in the bed just a screen that you can close do you remember

when you were younger and you'd first start going out with somebody and you'd like you wouldn't want to wake up with no makeup on I used to sleep with my makeup on

and be like I'll just do a little bit of concealer when I wake up and of course the illusion of this is what I look like instead of a goblin

that I've turned into I know you were so self-conscious I know God love us God love us little yeah gargoyles

but I honestly think like when didn't we talk before about there's this trend on YouTube where people will just watch videos of people eating mukbang mukbang it's called

and it's usually Kind of Well you The ones I've seen Are these like Cute young Asian girls Eating noodles And ramen And it's all kind of

Getting slurped into their face But it's all very Cleanly done And it is kind of hypnotic I went to watch it For research for something else And then I I just

Ended up just watching it No I can't stand Watching people eat Yeah I don't know I just got kind of got into it so yeah I mean

these women are smart business bitches who found out ways to make money by doing fuck all the dream I mean to make

10 to 15 grand a night just from sleeping that's the kind of thing we need to be doing so that's what you do while you're sleeping everyone's buying bear by vogue

ching ching ching ching not enough goes to 20 goes to I wonder Everyone's buying bear by Vogue. Ching, ching, ching, ching, ching. Not enough. Goes to 20. Goes to... I wonder if there's ever been a pot I haven't gotten that in. I can't remember mine in Spenno's code, so I just used goes to 20 on that too.

Did you miss Jo's laugh, Vogue? I did. Can't say I did. Oh, you didn't. Okay. I didn't. I didn't. I'm only joking. I do what Joanne tells me did. Oh, you didn't. Okay. Okay. I didn't. I didn't. I'm only joking.

I do what Joanne tells me to. No, I didn't at all, actually. Not at all. Jo's giving us the finger from his shared workplace in Bristol. Before we go, quick plug of the tour.

Our autumn tour, we have autumnal dates. We're going to Brighton, Bristol, Liverpool, London, London, Belfast. Oh yeah, and of course the last three arena in Dublin. Yeah. Tickets, tickets, roll up.

Tickets, tickets. Tickets, tickets, tickets. Tickets. I'm actually worse at selling tickets than you. You're like a dab hand at this now We're going to have A great time in Bristol See

Great at accents Bristol Bristol And also I've been asked To plug my They've given up On Winnipeg

But I've been asked To plug Is Winnipeg not happening? I'm like What about Winnipeg? They're like Don't worry about Winnipeg Have you seen Have you seen Your sales from Montreal? They're not great happening? I'm like, what about Winnipeg? They're like, don't worry about Winnipeg. Have you seen your sales from Montreal?

They're not great now. And I was like, okay, sorry. More uplifting calls with my agent. Yeah, Montreal, if anyone is around, around the town. Did you slag off Canada at some point in your career? Because I don't know what's happening. Montreal, July 28th.

Club Soda. I'm doing the Just For Laughs. Just if anyone's around. If anyone's around. If anyone knows anyone in Montreal. Good night out, I'd say. Good night out. Thank you.